HOW IBOGAINE CHANGED ME

For as long as I can remember, anxiety has always manifested itself in me in some way. Whether it was ordering a burger as a child and being unable to make eye contact with the waiter, or simply feeling uncomfortable in situations out of my control, anxiety has always been present in my life.

LIKE MOST souls struggling with mental illness, I tried to find comfort from this disorder in any way that I could. Some of the most popular anti-anxiety drugs for immediate relief are benzodiazepines such as Xanax, Klonopin and Valium.

Around the age of 18, I had my first experience with a benzodiazepine after having what felt like a heart attack (little did I know I was having an anxiety attack). From that point forward, every time I had what I now know as generalized anxiety, I convinced myself that I needed this medication to continue my day without any additional internal disruptions.

After a rocky and unhealthy relationship with xanax over five years, which ultimately led me to a sense of numbness and lack of connection, I knew a change had to be made - a healthy change for myself in order to live a meaningful life.

In November of 2018 I embarked on my journey to Tijuana, Mexico for ibogaine therapy, in hopes of finding out what caused me these great levels of anxiety, and how I could potentially find a better way to live my day-to-day life without the use of benzodiazepines.

To give a little back story on ibogaine, traditionally the root barks of the iboga tree from which ibogaine is extracted, was first discovered by the Pygmy tribes of Central Africa hundreds of years ago. Ibogaine is still used today in their culture in the transformation process while helping turn young boys into men.

Moving forward into today’s day and age, ibogaine is now used as an alternative medicine treatment for drug addiction in some countries, as it has been proven to also facilitate psychological introspection and spiritual exploration.

After flying into San Diego, I was met by a driver who facilitates the transfer of getting patients to the treatment facility in Tijuana.

During our two hour drive from California to Mexico, I had no idea what I was in for and the transformations that were to come.

As I settled into what would be my home for the next week, I slowly started putting together the pieces and created a list of reasons and intentions of why I was there to begin with. I was asked to curate this list in hopes that it would better help guide me during what is known as “the trip from hell.” While most ceremonies or treatments tend to be done in a more natural environment and are performed by shamans, the facility I attended was fully staffed with on-call doctors and nurses in case anything were to go south.

Following a series of blood tests and heart scans, I was ready to commence what would be a life-changing experience. I was then laid down in a bed with all of the lights turned off, when the attending doctor started to walk me through what I may experience throughout the night ahead.

Nothing that he said could have prepared me for what was next. Following the ingestions of two large capsules, I started to feel the effects of the ibogaine take hold. “The West African medicinal plant iboga reveals truly wide-ranging potential to treat multi-substance addiction.” -PsychedelicTimes.com “In this space, I was no longer connected to my internal monologue, but was speaking to an unfamiliar voice that seemed to be a higher power.”

As this was a rather unfamiliar feeling to me, I was unsure as to what I was feeling exactly, or the possibility that it was just a placebo effect. About what felt like an hour after ingesting said capsules, I was now sure that these effects were no longer a placebo. I had fully transcended into another level of consciousness and existence. In this space, I was no longer connected to my internal monologue, but was speaking to an unfamiliar voice that seemed to be a higher power.

Additionally, I was able to connect with a handful of friends that unfortunately are no longer physically here. I was rest assured that they were all in a better place, now watching over and protecting me. Though I tried deeply to connect and ask questions to those friends of the past, they reminded me that this experience was about me, and shortly after I began to start fighting all of my internal demons.

During my experience, I was met with a vast majority of my self-doubts, insecurities, and reasons for benzodiazepine use. These were some of the most anxiety-ridden and terrifying moments of my life and existence.

Throughout my 20s, I had used benzodiazepines as a coping mechanism to numb myself and try to hide from the world after feeling an unmanageable amount of anxiety.

Overall, what I proved to myself during these 12 hours of hell, is that I am stronger than the drug that once ruled my life. And most importantly, that if I can get through an experience as intense as one like this without pharmaceutical medication, I can probably get through day-today life without it as well!

I currently have been free of benzodiazepines for two years and counting, and owe a big majority of my transcendence to ibogaine.

It is a great aid in fighting addiction, but without my self perseverance and dedication to that path of recovery, I am unsure that I would still be alive today.

If you or a loved one are struggling with addiction, I highly recommend looking into ibogaine therapy as an alternative to the typical rehab route.