STONEY BALONEY

ANYONE WHO’S EVER worked in a restaurant knows that when you have two half-empty bottles of the world’s most popular condiment, you pour one into the other to make one of them appear fresh and new while the other gets tossed. It’s called marrying the ketchup. That’s a figurative term.

But what if we made it literal? Because let’s face it, there are a lot of people on this planet who are unhappily married. And if they could run off with a bottle of ketchup to a tropical island for a glorious honeymoon without the rough repercussions of divorce, most would probably drop everything and go. Think about it … a plush balcony overlooking the crashing waves of a majestic coastline with your culinary love. Where’s the sign-up sheet?

If I could marry a bottle of ketchup, I probably would. We already share bottley fluids, so why not consummate what you consume? I mean, talk about compatibility: I want succulent tomato flavor and the sauce’s only objective is to be eaten.

In no time, we’ll have a small family of packets.

And it will never guilt you for inviting other tasty items into the relationship. Like a greasy burger beckons to be dipping in the dripping. And French fries are lacking the jazz with no sauce to give them pizzazz.

Ketchup is good on just about everything. In fact, I’m pretty sure that if you look up the food pyramid from the year 1955, it will tell you that man can survive off ketchup alone. Because we’re not just talking about tomatoes and sugar – but onions, cloves, garlic and other healthy items that put the zing in amazing.

I understand that there are some cultures that prefer soy sauce or chili sauce, but I don’t get it. You could smother a piece of plywood with ketchup, and it would probably still taste good.

By the way, is ketchup really the world’s most popular condiment?

For me it’s bubble hash.

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