Ask DadandBuried

I don’t really have a question; I have a problem: laundry. I have two kids under 8 and I’ve barely seen them all summer because I’ve been loading and unloading the washing machine and dryer. Oh, I do have a question: Can you fold it for me? I’m tired. —Meghan, Bay Ridge

I feel you.

I also have two kids, ages 10 and 5, and they generate an almost supernatural amount of dirty clothes. At the risk of sounding like a bad parent, my kids aren’t even particularly active. They prefer to play video games, read books, and build LEGO sets to going outside. My 5-year-old is downright dainty! The dude won’t eat Doritos lest his fingers get yucky, let alone go in the backyard and dig. And yet, somehow, he still needs three outfit changes a day!

This was one of the hidden perks of quarantine. We all mostly sat around in our pjs and had a lot less laundry. No, my kids didn’t get to see their grandparents, but I wasn’t spending my nights half-watching Tiger King because I had 800 pairs of socks to match up.

We live in Brooklyn, and despite our (small) backyard, we don’t have a ton of space. My wife and I share a closet and a dresser, and we manage—mostly because neither of us has bought new clothes in a 1½ years. Meanwhile, my kids have continued to accrue new outfits. It’s like they’re feeding their clothes after midnight.

Among them, they have countless superhero shirts, 11 pairs of jeans (and every pair inexplicably has holes in both knees even though we bought them last week), multiple bathing suits, and tons of hand-me-downs from other families who actually buy name-brand clothes for their kids. As a result, my 5-year-old has more hip outfits than I do. It’s almost like he’s the Cher of Brooklyn, switching into a new outfit as he goes from “I Got You Babe” to “Believe.”

Despite your claim that you aren’t looking for advice—and the fact that we are in the exact same boat, so I have none to give—this is an advice column. I feel obligated to offer some sort of solution. So here you go: If you want to have less laundry, have fewer kids!

I know, that’s not funny. But I honestly can’t think of any other way for parents to lessen the laundry load. Maybe just buy a set of potato sacks that can be re-worn and tossed out instead of folded. Which reminds me: No, I will not do your folding for you. It’s the worst part!

Our advice column features the wise and humorous commentary of Mike Julianelle (aka @DadandBuried), a 40-something influencer with a popular podcast who lives in Brooklyn with his wife and two kids. HAVE A QUESTION FOR DADANDBURIED? Send it to editor@nymetroparents.com with the subject “DadandBuried’s Advice.”