Ask Dad & Buried

“I’m no fan of climate change, but if it helps limit the amount of snow we get this winter, that’s fine with me. I’m getting too old to shovel and my kids never help! Am I alone in this or are all kids useless after a snowstorm?” — Jackie, Larchmont

Oh, Jackie. My sweet, innocent Jackie. I assure you, as a fellow parent constantly bemoaning my kids’ laziness and complete lack of upper body strength: No, you are not alone. My kids are the very definition of useless.

Sure, they’ve made progress in some areas. They can dust, if my wife and I threaten them enough. The 11-year-old can handle the vacuum and occasionally charge his devices, the 5-year-old can properly return the juice to the fridge and wake the dead with his soul-piercing shrieks. They have skills. But none of their skills have anything to do with yard work or manual labor of most kinds.

It’s not all their fault. In the old days, half the reason you had kids was to get extra farm and factory hands. Nowadays, the only thing my kids use their hands for is to swipe to the next TikTok video. Times have changed, and unfortunately it’s on us to instill a healthy work ethic—and to get them to do the backbreaking chores they’ve made us too old and too tired to do ourselves.

Little kids get a little slack. I certainly can’t blame my 5-year-old for not helping to clear the walkway; the shovel is taller than he is. Plus, it takes a solid 5 months to get him dressed in snow gear, at which point the snow has melted and summer has arrived, so he’s not really the issue here.

But my 11-year-old? He can handle a shovel. Not well, but that’s fine; sometimes we just need to see a little effort! It’s the thought that counts, right? He puts plenty of thought and effort into his Minecraft builds! He’s downright enthusiastic about decorating his virtual properties, but ask him to hold a bucket of salt so I can sprinkle some around and he starts complaining before I can even finish my request.

The way I see it, the key to getting kids to do chores is simple: threaten and bribe. Or, if you’re a good parent, you can just incentivize their work. That’s why I’ve decided that the next time there’s a snowstorm, I’m going to bury his tablet and his Nintendo Switch in one of the drifts. If he wants to play video games, he’s gonna have to break a sweat first.

Our advice column features the wise and humorous commentary of Mike Julianelle (aka @DadandBuried), a 40-something influencer with a popular podcast who lives in Brooklyn with his wife and two kids.