What Do You Carry?

Four months ago, I was packing up my entire life. Again. This was the sixth time I had to move cities since I was born and this time, I was moving to Delaware for a few weeks before finally settling in Maryland for who knows how long.

My things fit into two distinct groups: my pre-college life and my college life. My college life was easy to put in a suitcase. I had already been doing it for the last four semesters. My pre-college life, however, made me look like I was a hoarder. I had to make a decision: what will I carry into the next part of my life and what gets dumped into the black garbage bags?

It took me four weeks to make those decisions. At the end of the day, I knew I wanted to carry the good parts of my life. The parts I wanted to remember. I packed all my school t-shirts from field days even though I will never fit into them again. I packed my trophies and my cross-country tags because I never want to forget the late-night matches and chocolate milk runs. I packed the quilt that I slept on as a baby in Miami and as a young woman in Memphis because I’m desperate to hold onto something constant in my life. I packed all 5000 evil eyes in my room because they are from my family in Turkey and you can never have too much good luck. I threw away all my high school notes that I still had (who the hell knows why) two years after graduating. I donated old clothes that I bought to fit in during high school. I threw away all things related to my ex-boyfriend in an attempt to fully obliterate that relationship from my life. Even though I chose to hold onto the good things, I still carry the bad.

Leah carries her grandma’s jewelry, like this ring. She cherishes all things passed down in her family, whether it be stories, hobbies, or artifacts. Leah is comforted carrying her grandma’s jewelry to the places she goes as it is a representation of traveling and seeing the world, something her grandma taught her to appreciate.

Siegrid carries a crocheted frisbee—it’s “much cooler than a normal frisbee.” It belonged to their dad until two years ago. Now, it’s become their tool to bond with both close friends and strangers, something Siegrid loves to do. It’s easy to pack, fun to play with, and “not a hat, to clarify!”

Chi-Ting carries two bracelets with him, both connected to a close friend. He made one of them in her workshop and she made the other one. Since getting them, he’s worn them every single day. They’ve been with him through his multiple solo travels. They’ve become a memento of his friend, the importance of taking care of himself, and him traveling the world.

In The Things They Carried, Tim O’Brien dives deep into what we carry in our lives. The novel is centered around the Vietnam War, and O’Brien writes about what people carried as a part of themselves as their humanity was being stripped from them during the war. He illustrates the intimacy of terror and trauma bonding and death—not that I think terror and trauma and death are cool, but it’s something that happens in our world, and he explains it in a way that makes the reader’s body get a glimpse of what it feels like. What they carried, literally and figuratively, is connected to their humanity, their burdens, and who they are. Literally, we all carry menial, miscellaneous things with us. We bring our phones everywhere we go. Some people carry a book, a pack of cigarettes, pepper spray, their favorite mascara, a lucky lighter, chic sunglasses or anything else they deem essential for a good day. What we carry figuratively is something else. I believe the things they carry, the things I carry, are both good and bad. I think we choose to carry good things in our lives that remind us of where we come from, who we are, and who we want to be. We get to have some say in what that is. As for the bad things, we have no say in what we carry and for how long. And because we don’t get to choose the bad things we carry within ourselves, it haunts us all the time. Of course, there are moments where we forget the traumas and the burdens and the shitty feelings they give, but there will always be a trigger to remind you of what you will continue to carry in life as it has influenced who you are and your perspective. As much as I like to scream that it’s not fair that we have no control over carrying these traumas, they’re why we hold on so strongly to the good things. And we need to hold onto the good things as tight as possible because we can’t help but hold onto the bad.

—Damla Önder

Corey carries a Kentucky agate with him that his brother gave him as a gift from a hiking trip. He was born and raised in Kentucky, making it a big part of who he is. Ever since he left when he was 18 years old, he carries the agate to keep both Kentucky and his brother close to him at all times

Juliana carries Ed, the Loch Ness monster. She got him when she visited Edinburgh during her semester abroad in Paris. Ed has become her travel buddy, someone to take pictures of as she travels the world. He has become a memento of where she’s gone and everywhere she wants to go.

Ryan carries a necklace he got as a gift from his time studying in Guatemala in 2016. Since then, he’s never taken it off. On the necklace is the Mayan God Kan, the god he was assigned based on Mayan culture. Not only does it remind him to go back to Guatemala one day, but it has become something constant as he is someone who has moved around a lot.