HEALTHY MARRIAGES in Ministry
Oklahoma Outlook
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The MARRIAGE TRIANGLE
A Message from Our Pastor
God created marriage before He created the Church. God does everything intentionally, and I believe God desires ministers to focus more on the health of our marriages than the health of our churches. Church health is vital, but it is impossible to have a healthy church if the leader’s marriage is unhealthy.
The marriage triangle illustrates the importance of God in a marriage. Many couples ask how to draw closer together through life’s hurdles and obstacles. The simple answer is Matthew 6:33, “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” As a husband and wife pursue God, they naturally end up closer together, as illustrated in “The Marriage Triangle.”
God
Wife
Husband
Here are four keys to pursuing God and becoming closer to your spouse:
Make prayer a priority
Prayer changes things, but mostly changes us. As you prioritize prayer in your personal life, God’s presence will shape you into a more mature spouse. Following your personal prayer time, spend time as a couple with God.
Make the Word a priority
God’s Word is God’s will. A daily diet of Scripture will enlighten your marriage path. Carve out a personal time in Scripture and then share the insights you glean with your spouse.
Make fasting a priority
Fasting allows us to focus. Select one meal a week or a month to simply fast for your marriage. Continue to fast for other areas of ministry and life, but dedicate a specific meal each week to marriage. Giving up a meal is easy when you focus on seeking God and becoming closer to your spouse.
Make forgiveness a priority
Any long-term, healthy marriage will require two really good forgivers. Practice it daily.
As we seek God first, we decrease, and He increases. Pursuing God allows the fruit of the Spirit to manifest in our lives, especially in our marriage. Could your marriage use a prescription of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, or self-control? All of these qualities improve the health of a marriage. Which “fruit” would your spouse indicate that you need to work on? Seek God in that specific area.
Remember what the Apostle Paul said about love. This passage from 1 Corinthians 13 applies to marriages.
Love is patient and kind
Love does not envy or boast
Love is not arrogant or rude
Love does not insist on its own way
Love is not irritable or resentful
Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing
Love rejoices with the truth
Love bears all things
Love believes all things
Love hopes all things
Love endures all things
Read that paragraph again and transpose your first name for the word Love. As you transpose your first name, what lines would your spouse agree are accurate? Keep those areas strong. As you transpose your name, what lines would your spouse not agree are accurate? Seek God and ask Him for help in those areas.
May we continue to seek God first throughout our lives. However close we get to God, we can always find areas to draw closer. That means that as close as you are to your spouse, there are also areas you can discover to draw closer. Instead of worry, instead of stress, and instead of anxiety, PURSUE GOD. God will help you grow. God will make you a better spouse and help your marriage grow. When both spouses diligently seek God, the effects multiply, and you grow closer together. Carve out time each day to pursue God individually and together as a couple. God will allow your marriage to become BETTER…TOGETHER!
Dr. Darryl Wootton OKAG Superintendent
Networking TOGETHER to better share the love of JESUS with the least, last, and lost.
WINNING TEAM A
Robyn Fullerton
Over the past 23 years of marriage, my husband and I have engaged in some disagreements, but the biggest one I can remember was a few short months after our wedding at a marriage enrichment retreat. Let that sink in for a second…an event meant to ENRICH our star-crossed, head-in-the-clouds, newly-formed union brought some of our biggest personality differences to the surface.
It shone a floodlight on the darkest sides of our humanity. This was due to the late-night game time where wives and husbands teamed up against each other. It ended with me in tears and him sleeping on the other queen bed that our room was lucky enough to provide.
Many details have faded since that eventful evening, but the residual emotions can still easily rise to the surface. The guys’ team was losing a game of Pictionary, so they resorted to clever, light-hearted cheating to gain the lead. As the easy-going group of men repeatedly denied their guilt and even began laughing about it, the ladies team, marked by a deep sense of justice and intense concentration for the win, became angrier and angrier. The game was allowed to continue much longer than it should have, and I believe several couples slept in different beds from each other that evening. However, it
brought to light an important fact that we were able to take into the rest of our marriage: we work better when we are on the same team.
Christian marriage is a powerful demonstration to the world around us of the sacrificial relationship Christ has with His church. Marriage in ministry is even more powerful because we work together for a missional purpose. Because of the power of this unity and the ultimate purpose it serves, Satan works overtime against marriages in ministry. What I have discovered in 20 years of counseling couples is that Satan is incredibly intentional but not terribly creative. He repeatedly uses the same tricks in different forms, ultimately leading to the desired goal: division. When we learn to recognize what is actually happening, it is much easier to stand firm against him.
Here are some key areas he takes pleasure in using against ministry marriages because, unfortunately, they are proven to work:
Incorrect Priorities
When our priorities are out of order, our marriage is out of alignment. And guess what? Getting our priorities out of order while doing ministry is amazingly easy. Our natural default is focusing on the areas that make the most noise. We easily spend inordinate amounts of physical, emotional, and mental energy working to solve the problems that arise in our immediate world. If everything is on a level playing field, the noise from our spouse and children is drowned out by the dull roar of our church. When my husband and I speak at marriage conferences,
we frequently discuss the importance of the priority pyramid in maintaining marital and personal health. God is first, our spouse is second, our children are third, and under that is everything else. It may feel uneasy to place our church or ministry in the “everything else” category, but if it is placed any further up the line, it will derail the rest of the balance.
There are times in our home when devices quit working, and due to lack of technical savvy and, quite frankly, lack of time to bother with them, we opt for what we call a “hard reset.” We simply turn the device off, wait a few seconds, and start fresh. Amazingly, this solves the majority of our technical difficulties. We have found our marriage priorities to be the same way. When we feel out of balance, we physically disconnect from the chaos, discuss what adjustments need to occur in our lives, and move forward with better footing.
Ineffective Communication
In today’s world, there are many identified causes of marital problems: infidelity, conflict, lack of commitment, unmet expectations, unresolved differences, and the list goes on and on. However, when we truly examine each of these problems, we can find the origin is a lack of effective communication. Sometimes the ability to communicate was once there, but due to hectic lives and attention elsewhere, it became lost. Sometimes we reach a stage of life where we truly think we are communicating, but instead we are only administrating the day-to-day details. We have lost the ability to truly be present with the thoughts and emotions of our spouse. Sometimes we lack the mental and emotional energy to honestly communicate after spending the day putting out ministry fires. Sometimes it is easier to mindlessly scroll on our phones than to address the issues that might require us to go deeper than we want.
An interesting study about the power of communication takes place in Genesis 11 with the Tower of Babel. Verse 1 says, “The people of the world spoke the same language and used the same words.” In other words, they communicated effectively toward a central purpose. In this case, their purpose was intended for evil, so God ended their ability to communicate. The result was confusion and a complete halt to their work.
Satan knows firsthand how powerful it is to cut off communication because it was used against him. Is it any wonder he uses this same scheme to handicap marriages that are focused on building God’s Kingdom?
An antidote that we encourage couples to apply is to have preset questions to discuss regularly that encourage deeper communication even amid life’s chaos. The goal is to create a consistently safe space where we focus
on the areas of our marriage that work well and identify the areas that may need adjustment. Here are just a few examples:
• What do I do that makes you feel loved?
• What is one thing you value about our relationship?
• What can I do more of that makes you feel appreciated?
• What are some things that you have been worrying about recently?
• How can I help lighten the burden you are carrying?
Questions like these often lead to discussions about other areas of life and make meaningful communication the norm rather than the exception.
Division through Differences
I am always amazed at the diversity in personalities and giftings the Lord brings together in Christian couples. The fact is, we are most attracted to personality traits we lack in ourselves. After all, if we married someone who thought the same way, acted the same way, and observed the world the same way, there would be no need for both of us. When Jason and I walk through the commons area of our church on Sunday mornings, we observe and interpret from entirely different angles because we see the world through two different sets of eyes. Sometimes, our observations and interpretations are so different that it feels like we have attended two separate churches that morning.
The question is, which one of us is right?
Therein lies the problem. When we feel differences should be categorized as ‘right’ and ‘wrong,’ we both lose. This is pride in its most basic form. God meant for us to value our variations as the avenue through which we balance out our polarized viewpoints and challenge our own ways of interpreting and reacting to the world around us. If we consciously choose to value our spouse’s differences rather than challenge them, we end up enriching our ability to relate to our spouse, family, and church.
One way to grow in appreciation rather than frustration with our differences is to make a daily mental log of the qualities we are grateful for in our spouse. We can even write these down and keep an expanding list. As we all know, not every day will feel like a marriage in paradise. On those days, we find it particularly hard to embrace a positive mindset and use the written list as a reminder of the gift God has given us in our spouse.
We’re on the Same Team
I did not grow up in a sports-centered home but I married into one. Saturdays come alive in our house during college football season. I have never been very fond of football, but I enjoy analyzing the game’s psychological and social dynamics. It is always interesting to see teams succumbing to frustration when they are not accomplishing all they feel they should. More often than not, they turn on each other. Coaches yell at coaches, coaches yell at players, players yell at coaches, players yell at players. It adds a whole new level of entertainment for the television audience. More than anything, it allows the other team an easy path to victory.
Every couple in ministry knows how easily this can translate into their marriage if they allow it to. Satan would like nothing less than to render us completely ineffective, and losing our team mindset is a proven way to allow him to do so. If we can recognize his schemes, we can team up against him rather than turn on each other.
Ironically, marriage retreats have become our favorite events to put on for our church family. As I reflect on our first marriage retreat experience, I want to tell our new-
lywed selves so many things we have learned since then. If one of us wins at the expense of the other, neither of us wins. How we communicate in difficult times is much more important than what is happening around us. The personality differences that made that one evening so frustrating are the traits we have learned to value most in each other.
But the biggest advice I would give our newlywed selves is simply this: always remember who the real opponent is.
Robyn Fullerton is a Licensed Professional Counselor and serves as the Director of Marriage, Family and Spiritual Development for SpiritCHURCH in Bartlesville, where she and her husband, Jason, have pastored for the last 3 years. They have two children in college, and a Sheepadoodle still at home.
The Distinction of
PASTORAL MARRIAGES
Charles W. Kinman, PhD, LMFT (retired)
As a pastoral marriage and family counselor, my two favorite questions were, “How did you meet?” and “What attracted you to the other?” No matter what conflict brewed in the foreground, the couple would, for the moment, remember why they fell in love.
In remembering came a sense of connection to the mutual hopes and promises to which they had both committed the rest of their lives. The Lord reflects on such a moment with Israel, “I remember the devotion of your youth, how as a bride you loved me and followed me through the wilderness, through a land not sown” (Jer. 2:2).
Some of the most complex cases I served were ministerial marriages. Unlike any other profession, when one is called, both are called because they are one. The two mutually submit to one another out of reverence for Christ Jesus (Eph 5:21), living life together in witnessing to Christ’s love. Bonhoeffer states, “The mandate of marriage is…for the glory and service of Jesus Christ and the enlarging of Christ’s Kingdom…where children not only are born but also are educated into obedience to Jesus Christ.”1
Three factors distinguish these pastoral unions in God’s mandate of marriage. First, these marriages integrate with the flow and interaction of three major systems: the ministerial family itself, each separate congregational family, and the church as a collective family, each with
dozens of subsystems (i.e., school, finances, youth & children’s groups, second job, church building, etc.). It is not unlike wheels within a wheel rapidly spinning. Serving these systems of eternal bonds at times becomes complex and exhausting. Serving them can generate countless distractions, consuming time needed or desired elsewhere. Moses experienced the same thing when Jethro came to tell him to delegate (Ex. 18:13-24).
When there is a sense of loss in these moments (e.g., missing your child’s game or date night), guilt or grief enter the family emotional system. When one unintentionally brings home the sorrow after compassionately ministering to another’s pain, it is felt by loved ones. Often, I observed emotional saturation or compassion fatigue. Couples described anger and frustration with people, making them feel disloyal to their calling. Yet, Jesus reached moments of saturation from the crowds, and He sought a quiet, still place to pray and bring back His singular focus of God’s work on earth. Emotional saturation and stress can perpetuate the second factor.
As Jesus’ servants, we share in His suffering and grief for those who will not hear His voice. We often see people struggle to make sense of powerful, often painful feelings and changed beliefs. Extended compassion fatigue potentially forms Vicarious Traumatization (VT). This refers to the accumulative effect on a helper who works with traumatic life events (e.g., nurses, firefighters, law enforcement officers, 911 dispatchers). Pastors and their families face these neurobiological episodes regularly. They transform one’s inner perspective due to empathetic connection and engagement with a parishioner’s story and emotions. 2
Our capacity for empathy is an essential gift and tool in serving the people of our church. Yet, our empathy is also a source of our vulnerability to VT. In periods of prolonged stress, a ministry couple can come to feel battered, helpless, and confused when trying to sort out complex events experienced in people’s lives. Arguments become about other people’s stuff rather than the necessity of comfort and acceptance for each other. If unabated, some points of stress and conflict can change what one believes about another, creating different problems.
Third, our belief system reflects what I believe about myself and what I believe others think about me. It develops over time and through experiences. Our beliefs help form interpretations of the stressful stories we encounter. Those interpretations guide decisions, behavior, or feelings that produce a result that usually confirms our belief. Paul rebuked the Galatian church for its distorted beliefs and the resulting perversion of the Gospel (Gal. 1:6-9).
When inaccurate beliefs are projected onto our spouse (i.e., ‘you don’t care about what I am going through’), it erodes the foundation of trust on which the marriage is built. Often newly formed beliefs about the mate entangle with others’ emotions and experiences. Behavior emerges as reserved or misleading, resulting in insecure or uncomfortable relations. As trust declines, it can potentially create false assumptions, and again, arguments become about something else. This wearing process wastes valuable time and energy and makes problem-solving hard. It confuses and hurts both, and it feels as though marriage commitments are fading.
These three factors, combined with our zeal to serve, are what distinguish pastoral marriages. God’s marriage mandate is not just about procreation and companionship. Our lives together bring eternal witness of Christ’s love, to which the world will one day be held accountable. Here are a few suggestions to help a pastoral marriage navigate some of these complexities and live in fulfillment of His mandate.
Plan Transitions
Moving from one system to another challenges our mental process and awakens our body metabolism to adapt to each new environment. If time hassles the change, then matters can get anxious.
Create touch points or rituals that are familiar and meaningful to each other. Fashion ways the family can come back together and make reconnecting intentional. Milk and cookies used to be a welcome greeting for kids coming home from school. Both Karen and I worked in caregiving careers that were emotionally stressful. One day, I got into her car to see a note posted on the steer-
ing wheel stating, “Change.” She replied, “It reminds me to change from my work clothes into my pajamas.” It was her way of coming home to be present mentally and emotionally.
Couples should take private moments to “be” with one another to stabilize beliefs and emotional states, sometimes just to say “Hi.” I often reminded them that connecting is less something you “do” and more of a way of “being” with each other. In the Winter 2023 issue of Outlook, I described the importance of undistracted presence, being fully with someone. If we are fatigued by being present with people, we need to plan a pause of rest before engaging those to whom we most wish to give our love.
Clarify Beliefs
Establish written value statements to organize decision-making and a unified family teaching. As leaders among Christ’s witnesses, pastoral couples should have honest discussions about what they believe together. Years ago, Dr. James Dobson suggested that families write out their family values, and each member memorize them. The process forces couples to work through their beliefs and define their application. Consequently, it serves to clarify relational boundaries in both the home and church. The church institution is especially secondary to the family. I sometimes used such a tool as a ‘final exam’ for couples visiting me.
Values are principles that form a framework for making decisions in any situation. They are most important in emotionally chaotic events. The Holy Spirit can guide us from their premise. They are distinguished from priorities that stem from and reflect my values. Priorities are flexible according to one’s situation or schedule. However, values remain consistent with Biblical understanding and a relational framework.3 Karen can end an argument abruptly by stating, “That doesn’t align with our values.” It honors us when our children begin to live by those same ethics and standards we taught them.
Lovingly Renew Covenant
We vow to glorify our Lord and love our mate in marriage ceremonies. I frequently asked how often a couple reviewed such sincere moments. Most were taken by surprise at the thought. For fifty-three years, Karen and I regularly talked about our love for one another, resulting in strong trust and intimacy. When we became Christians in 1979, we formally renewed our personal vows to each other and our new purpose to serve the Lord.
God renewed the Abrahamic covenant with almost every early generation of Israel so they would trust that He would finish what He began. Our Communion sacrament renews our remembrance of Jesus’ sacrifice and
His promise of our restored relationship with God (Matt. 26:26-30). This regular practice refreshes our faith to withstand hurt and loss. The elements symbolize His suffering for our sake and His faithful promises to fulfill our hope for eternity, making this life our reasonable sacrifice to be transformed by the renewing of our minds.
In the Revelation, Jesus recognized the hard work of the Ephesians but sternly called them to return to their “first love” (Rev. 2:1-5). It was not about their work; He called on their hearts to remember the power of His transformative love for themselves and all who believed in Him. Fuller professor, Ray Anderson, said of marriage, “No other social institution has the resources for such endurance and renewal. For this reason, the family as constituted by the covenant love of God is the source of renewal and stability for society.”4 Covenant renewal refreshes our spiritual health and marriage.
Honor Your Comrade
Military personnel often form deep bonds from shared experiences and memories. They are comrades for life. I have heard many pastoral couples speak of their ministry as a battlefield with emotional landmines, snipers, and power struggles. Empathy for one another shares this experience, providing some of the most cohesive material for oneness. As mentioned, when one is called, both are called because they are one. Both are also anointed to serve in each role assigned by the Lord. Peter, a married disciple, spoke of a couple as joint heirs “of the
gift of life” (I Pet. 3:1-8). They share the responsibility of the witness, and marriage is their first witness to the world. The wife fulfills her role as a helper; the husband submits to serve the family with love and leadership (Eph. 5:25-33). Peter warns that a couple’s prayers may be hindered without loving mutual respect. Each should give honor and respect to the other to encourage the empowerment God gives for faithfully working together.
In conclusion, plan ways to connect to refresh your beliefs. Write out your shared values as a family constitution to be lived and taught, stabilizing confusing worldly events. Finally, celebrate each other as an eternal family; that is who you are. We can wish for nothing more in this life than the wife who holds you and cries with you and the husband who embraces the beloved family with sacrificial love.
Thus, marriage and family unify within social constructs to bear witness to God’s relationship with His creation. Husband and wife affectionately bond to one another, not out of preference, but out of election to witness Christ’s love for His church—us. God intended for husband and wife to work together to learn the art of eternal cherishing. Scripture repeatedly compares a husband’s protective love and a wife’s devotional caring to reveal a more complete picture of God’s heart. It is a distinct privilege above all else in the world to serve in a pastoral marriage.
Dr. Kinman recently retired from 30 years as a pastoral marriage and family counselor and 20 years as a professor at Northwest University. He is a nine-year military veteran and now serves the Oklahoma district as an encourager. The Kinmans live with their family in Newalla.
1Bonhoeffer, D. (2015). Ethics: Dietrich Bonhoeffer Works—Readers Edition. Minneapolis, Minnesota: Fortress Press. p. 21.
2Pearlman, L. A. & Saakvitne, K. W. (1995). Trauma and the therapist: Countertransference and vicarious traumatization in psychotherapy with incest survivors. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.
3Sample Value statements might be: We value the life we lead under the Lordship of Christ. We are grateful for the opportunity to work out our salvation and worship in the freedom of Christ’s Kingdom (Phil 2:12-13). We value “Kingdom” ministry. We value responsive and heartfelt love for one another (1 John 4:7-8).
4Anderson, R. S. (2007). Something Old/Something New: Marriage and Family Ministry in a Postmodern Culture. Eugene, OR: Wipf & Stock Publishers. p. 43.
January 2-3, 2025
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JANUARY
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2025 CALENDAR
January 2-3
OSOM – Locations 1,2,3 January 4
Called One Day January 4
OSOM – Locations 4,5 January 11
Hispanic School of Ministry, McAlester January 11
Sectional LIFE Rallies January 17
Speed The Light Rallies January 19
Century Leadership Roundtable January 23
Girls Ministries FLOURISH Conference January 25
ACMR Deadline January 31
FEBRUARY
OSOM – Locations 1,2,3 February 1
OKAG Sectional Tour: Section 11 (AM) February 3
OKAG Sectional Tour: Section 12 (PM) February 3
OKAG Sectional Tour: Section 7 (AM) February 4
OKAG Sectional Tour: Section 10 (PM) February 4
OKAG Sectional Tour: Section 9N (AM) February 6
OSOM – Locations 4,5 February 8
Hispanic School of Ministry, McAlester February 8
OKAG Sectional Tour: Section 5E (AM) February 10
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OKAG Sectional Tour: Section 9S (AM) February 11
OKAG Sectional Tour: Section 6 (PM) February 11
OKAG Sectional Tour: Section 3 (AM) February 13
OKAG Sectional Tour: Section 2 (PM) February 13
NextGen Conference February 21-22
Hispanic Training for Church Leaders-Tulsa February 22
OKAG Sectional Tour: Section 1 (AM) February 24
OKAG Sectional Tour: Section 5W (AM) February 25
OKAG Sectional Tour: Section 8 (PM) February 25
MARCH
Fun Arts
March 1
OSOM – Locations 1,2,3 March 1
Hispanic Training for Church Leaders-OKC March 1
Network Council Resolutions Submission Deadline March 7
Oklahoma Women of Valor Retreat March 7-8
Hispanic School of Ministry, McAlester March 8
OSOM – Locations 4,5 March 8
Level Up Lunch March 20
Hispanic Men’s Conference March 28-29
APRIL
Fine Arts Festival
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April 4-5
April 5
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Hispanic School of Ministry, McAlester April 12
Better Together Conference
April 28-29
Women in Leadership Luncheon April 28
Rural Pastor’s Breakfast April 29
Heritage and Elite Ladies Luncheon April 29
MAY
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Hispanic School of Ministry, McAlester May 10
Youth Camp #1
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JUNE
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Youth Camp #4
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SEPTEMBER
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OCTOBER
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December 1-31
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Senior Ministries – Heritage Christmas December 6
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OKAG Faith Promises Due December 12
OSOM – Locations 4,5 December 13
Hispanic School of Ministry, McAlester December 13
Ministerial Credentials Renewal Deadline December 31
Dates, Locations, and Times are Subject to Change. OKAG.ORG/EVENTS
What’s My
STORY?
How Should the Single Minister View Their Singleness?
Sarah Taylor
Hosea and Jeremiah were both Old Testament prophets, called to the same type of vocational ministry, serving similar purposes. One was married, and one was single. The Lord spoke to Hosea to take an adulterous wife, while years later, God spoke to Jeremiah, saying he “must not marry” or have children (Hosea 1:2; Jeremiah 16:1). It wasn’t the demands of full-time ministry that caused Jeremiah to remain single, but obedience to the voice of the Lord.
Similarly, today, we have those serving in ministry who are married and those who are single, and each marital status presents its own unique challenges. What is often overlooked is how ministry flows out of our marriage or singleness, for both portray a piece of the grand drama of Scripture. There was a reason Hosea was married, and Jeremiah was single – a powerful prophetic word was being portrayed through their lives. Our own marriage and/ or singleness are equally telling a story to those around us.
Marriage is used as a metaphor throughout the Bible to illustrate how God loved His people, Israel, and how Christ loves His bride, the church. Therefore, Christian
marriages today should display this same type of love. Having been established by God from the beginning when He created Adam and Eve, marriage is not an afterthought or second-place priority for your ministry, but rather where your ministry begins and ends. Too often, we miss this important truth. What is even more often overlooked is how singleness portrays essential truths of the Scripture as well.
If the ministry of Hosea flowed out of his troubled marriage, and Jeremiah’s ministry flowed out of his singleness, then how should the single minister of today come to view their singleness? Let me share four Biblical truths on display through celibate singleness.
1. Singleness points to the age to come and is a constant reminder this life is not all there is.
Celibate singleness witnesses to the age to come, which the entire body of Christ should eagerly await. Singleness illustrates the active waiting and preparatory state the church lives in at present. Marriage is only temporary, for after the resurrection, women and men will no longer participate in marriage, but Jesus says, “They will be like the angels in heaven” (Matthew 22:30). Theologian Paula Gooder notes, “God in heaven is surrounded by hosts and hosts of angels, to whom he gives tasks…whose role is to serve God, to worship him and to help him carry out his tasks as divine king and judge.”1 If the role of angels is to serve and worship God, and, in the age to come, all will be like them, it could be argued singles in this
life draw attention to that future existence. Singleness is a way of living like the angels now, while at the same time pointing towards and anticipating the day when all people will do so when we are forever in the presence of the Lord.
2. Singleness boldly declares Christ is sufficient for all things.
As previously stated, marriage is an extremely important metaphor right now because it communicates truth to the church about how much God loves His people, and the manner in which Christ loves His church. Christian marriage should serve as a sign reminding us to eagerly anticipate the day Christ returns for His bride. However, singleness should also serve as a sign pointing us to the day when the marriage of the church has taken place and all we need will be found in Christ. The single life portrays the sufficiency of Christ to meet every need we have while at the same time pointing us forward to the day in the future when we’ll be in Heaven with our Savior, Jesus, and no longer have any need at all. This is the day when every person will completely and fully know the sufficiency of Christ–those married on earth or single in this life. Christ will BE all we need, and IN all we have. We won’t need the sun or the moon because the glory of God and the Lamb will give us the light. We won’t need seasons because the trees will bear fruit month after month. Everything will change and be changed because Jesus will be all we need and will provide for anything and everything we could even think about. Every emotional, physical, spiritual, and relational need is met by Jesus in the age to come, and Christian singles bear witness to this fact in this age.
3. Singleness should be viewed as radical discipleship and as counter-cultural obedience. Modern evangelicalism has emphasized the free gift of salvation without explaining that discipleship will cost one everything. The call to take up one’s cross daily, deny the inner self’s cravings, and live not for one’s own pleasure but for His pleasure has become a message too difficult to deliver from most pulpits. A life without sex in an oversexualized society, in a culture that glorifies and idolizes sex, uses sex to sell anything and everything, exploits it, celebrates it, and promotes it––in that type of culture, to think anyone could live life without sex is believed to be ridiculous. It’s impossible, it’s un -
thinkable, it’s inhuman. Yet the path of discipleship, which the follower of Christ is called, is a path of obedience, including sexual purity. (That includes sexual purity for both the married and single.) The world isn’t supposed to understand single people remaining pure, but the world (and the church), whether they know it or not, needs single people to remain pure. A life of purity due to complete obedience and allegiance to Jesus is part of the ministry that flows out of the single minister’s life. It is an act of surrender, complete discipleship, radical devotion, and total denial of self.
4. Singleness is a declaration and a commitment to be faithful to God alone. A life of promiscuity and sex outside of the covenant of marriage messes up the picture of the Gospel message. It changes the meaning of the metaphor on display
throughout the Scripture, which beautifully portrays Christian marriage and singleness. The New Testament tells us Jesus returns for a virgin bride, and therefore, celibate singles are the only ones who convey this vital message. Celibate singleness is also a way of destroying the idol some make of marriage and sex, and the view that they are needed for human flourishing rather than recognizing a relationship with a faithful God is what fulfills and completes a person. Celibacy is a way for singles to remain faithful to God even as He proves Himself faithful to those who have devoted themselves in this way.
When the metaphors of marriage and singleness are used together, the church should be able to look at married couples and stand in awe at the picture they see reflected, an image of the way in which Christ loves the church and gave Himself for them. Equally, the church should be able to look at singles and stand in awe at the picture of sufficiency found only in Christ, a sufficiency that will be fully known by all on that future day for which the church is preparing.
Hosea and Jeremiah each told a different story through their call to marriage and singleness, yet both exemplified obedience to God, God’s relentless pursuit of His people, His unfailing and unconditional love, and His plan to redeem and restore. The question for us today is, “What story is my singleness or my marriage communicating to my congregation, my friends, and the world around me?”
For those who are single and serving in ministry, my
Finally, for those who are single, don’t isolate yourself from others. Even Jeremiah had his scribe, Baruch. Find your community and prioritize it because ministers need the support of friends and family. Jesus can be seen in the Gospels forming a community and redefining what family looks like. Humankind was made for community, as we’re told in Genesis 2. In the Garden of Eden, the solution was marriage, but the alternative is community. The community to be found looks like a family formed not with biological ties but with spiritual ones. It is this spiritual family that creates relational dynamics that last into eternity.
From this newly formed community within the church comes support, encouragement, accountability, intimacy, friendship, and extended family. When Jesus was told his mother and brothers were there to see Him, He responded by pointing to the crowd around Him and saying, “Here are my mother, brothers, and sisters. For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother” (Matthew 12:50). In saying this He redefines and reimagines what family looks like. Single minister, find your reimagined family, and don’t attempt being single on your own!
Sarah Taylor holds a D.Min from Asbury Theological Seminary, where her dissertation was on Preaching a Biblical Theology of Singleness. Currently, she is planting Kendall Whittier Church in Tulsa. The church will meet in a local coffee shop, which perfectly suits her passion for drinking
MINISTRY
Uncle Screwtape on and MARRIAGE
Cody Phillips
In The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis provides insight into spiritual warfare through the fictional lens of a senior demon named Screwtape, who writes to advise his nephew and apprentice, Wormwood. While Lewis doesn’t address vocational ministry marriages specifically, we can make an educated guess as to how Screwtape might advise Wormwood. Through the following strategies, Screwtape hopes to undermine the unity and strength of a marriage, especially in the context of vocational ministry, where the pressures and visibility can be intense.
My dear Wormwood,
It has come to my attention that the marriage you have been dealing with has recently switched vocations and has stepped into a ministerial role. This does not bode well for you, dear nephew. However, while this does not look good on the surface, we do our best work from the inside out. While this young couple is in the ministry of the Enemy, I have developed some strategies that may help you if applied appropriately and consistently. The Supreme Commander Below is determined that you must be successful in your tactics with this couple and their family as well. Be sure to enlist others to help, as you will be held responsible if they remain with the Enemy.
We have done excellent work regarding marriage over the past many years. Marriage is on the decline, and divorce is rising even within the church. Long ago, our Supreme Commander Below established a foundation within all human flesh to bend toward selfishness, individual rights, and seeking their own way. You have certainly taken my advice by exploiting the human heart to the fullest. There is no way more effective and swifter at inflicting damage and gaining many for our Supreme Commander Below than ruining marriages. Why go after the one when you can take down a whole family and a church body as well? It is good for you to know that our Supreme Commander Below receives the added delight of seeing vows broken that were made before the very eyes of the Enemy! Let me share with you strategies that previously have been effective with subjects like this.
This new ministry role in the service of the Enemy can be used to create division within the family. Be sure to exploit the spouse’s ministry duties to create imbalance and neglect within the marriage. In your schemes, attempt to subtly encourage one spouse to become so consumed by their work for the church that they neglect their partner; this will lead to feelings of isolation or resentment, which is even better. This resentment can be used to push the minister to dive even deeper into “caring for the congregation” because they enable and applaud such sacrifice. Be sure to whisper to the spouse, “Your partner cares more about their ministry than they do about you.” This will encourage your subject to feel like they are competing with the church for their partner’s attention. Wormwood, you will want to foster a martyr complex within the husband and wife. They may start thinking that sacrificing family time for the sake of ministry is a noble, even necessary, sacrifice. You must continue to push them to believe, “If I don’t do this, the church will fall apart,” thereby justifying their neglect of family under a misguided sense of dedication to the Enemy. This would exhaust the subjects and breed frustration within the family, leading to further distance between the couple. In this, our Supreme Commander Below is pleased.
This leads me to the next strategy: Use the admiration and applause the couple or minister receives as a trap to catch them in pride. You must begin by redirecting their passion for the Enemy and their desire to “help the lost” inwardly, back toward themselves. Relying on the validation of the work and the people’s admiration will begin to consume their whole identity and leave no room for nurturing their marriage. This can lead them to isolate themselves from each other further, but something even better is that it will give them a view of superiority over other couples. To achieve this, convince them their marriage is above common struggles because of their “holy calling.” They will become blind to their own relational issues. This is the desire for your subjects: to think of “ministry” as their “ultimate calling,” distorting the Enemy’s hierarchy where family relationships also serve Him.
Our researchers have discovered through surveys that the Enemy’s ministry often involves emotional and spiritual caregiving for others. Therefore, we can easily convince the ministry couple that their emotional energy should be reserved for the congregation or those in need. Encourage them to “spiritualize” every issue in their marriage without addressing the practical or emotional needs. In doing so, this weakens the bond of intimacy between spouses. Wormwood, I must encourage you to push the ministry spouse to elevate their calling above all else, especially above their marriage and family. Influence them to think, “My ministry is for God, and therefore, it justifies all the time spent away from my spouse or children.” The idea that their ministry work is more important than their family responsibilities will lead
to an unbalanced life where the family feels neglected or undervalued. While we have made several attempts to imitate the intimacy the Enemy creates, our attempts are still weak compared to his. However, we can attack best when we notice that emotional energy is spent on other people but never on their spouses.
Ministry marriages are often easy to shame and embarrass. They often feel pressure to perform and appear to have everything perfectly in order in their marital life and in their family. Continue to push this idea into their marriage: “You are a role model and must focus on outward appearances and performance.” This idea should lead them to ignore any real issues or strife in their relationship.
Finally, be mindful of one more strategy: Exploit the inevitable burnout that comes from trying to serve two demanding “masters” without balance. Pushing the subjects toward exhaustion and frustration is pivotal in making them feel trapped between their call to serve and their desire to be present for their family and each other. As burnout increases, it becomes easier for you to divide them as each will withdraw emotionally from the other due to exhaustion. However, when exhaustion and burnout are present, the Enemy is always close by to remind them of His love for them, not based on their performance, but simply for being His children. So, while it is easy to attack them in burnout, be aware He is nearby. The last thing you want them to do when they are burned out is turn to the Enemy for rest. Try to remind them of a television show to catch up on and correspondence to reply to. The best trick is to keep them on their phones, scrolling and scrolling. If they begin to share how they are feeling, the Enemy will loom closer and closer to build back their intimacy with Him and each other; once they start to pray to Him, you have lost them. By any means necessary, do not allow them to pray together. Let me remind you again: do not allow them to pray together! This is how the Enemy resets their souls, and then you start all over.
I am looking forward to hearing about your progress. Continue to write, and I’ll be pleased to respond. The best way to earn favor with our Supreme Commander Below is to take down a minister of the Enemy through their marriage and family.
Your affectionate uncle,
Screwtape
Cody is a graduate of Fuller Theological Seminary (MATM). He and his wife, Lindsay, serve as Executive Campus Pastors at The Bridge Bricktown in Oklahoma City. But their favorite role is being parents to their daughter, Eleanor.
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Be The BUFFALO
Part Two: The Lion, Lamb, and Buffalo
The book of Revelation has a recurring theme where what John hears often doesn’t match what he later sees. A clear example of this is found in Revelation 5:5-6. In Revelation 5:5, John hears one of the elders say, “Behold, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root of David, has triumphed.” This is a powerful image of strength, royalty, and victory. But in Revelation 5:6, when John looks, he sees, “A Lamb, looking as if it had been slain,” standing in the center of the throne.
The contrast between hearing about a victorious Lion and seeing a slain Lamb is striking. Fortunately, John could both hear and see, allowing him to take in the revelation of God as best as his human senses would allow. In leadership, there are times when we are limited by what we see and hear, as they may be incomplete or incompatible. But we can learn from the buffalo.
Buffalo have poor eyesight, but this doesn’t stop them from navigating their environment effectively. What they lack in sight, they make up for in hearing. Their keen sense of hearing allows them to communicate well. Cows and calves exchange pig-like grunts, and bulls can be heard bellowing across long distances during mating season. Though buffalo can’t see or perceive much, they tune into their environment to listen to threats, warnings, and even invitations from one another. Much like John on Patmos, they employ both senses to gather feedback from their environment.
In life, even after much prayer, hard work, investment, and suffering, we may not see our ministry, marriage, children, or neighborhoods flourish. This can negatively affect our faith. We must take up the responsibility of hearing from God about what we do not see in the natural so we can become prophetic people, encouraged by His Spirit, when our reality doesn’t match our expectations.
=We can be like the buffalo by trusting what we hear from God over what little we see in reality. Maybe today, you can’t see a way out. Maybe your vision betrays you, and sight fails you. Perhaps you aren’t seeing what you long to see in the situations, people, and ministries you’re praying for. In those moments, listen to what God says. Trust in His voice and guidance over your sight. These practices of listening and trusting build faith. Here are some reminders from Scripture to help you be like the buffalo:
• 2 Corinthians 5:7: “For we walk by faith, not by sight.”
• 2 Corinthians 4:18: “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
• Hebrews 11:1: “Now faith is the assurance of what we hope for and the certainty of what we do not see.”
Ponder: What are some things you have long prayed for but cannot see today? What do you need to do to hear from God about this situation? Set aside time to listen to Him specifically about the things you have no vision or sight for so you can be encouraged in the Lord.
Cynthia and her husband, Destry, live in Tulsa with their son Obadiah. They lead Tulsa Metro Chi Alpha. She is an award-winning writer and speaker who loves encouraging everyone to embrace their Kingdom identities. Cynthia also serves as the Director of the Network of Women Ministers for the Oklahoma network.
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