EMPOWERED TOGETHER

Rev. Charles W. Kinman, PhD, LMFT (retired)

“…that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one—I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity…” (John 17:20-23)

The book of Acts reflects the heartbeat of the church, everyday people living with God among them. As He lived among their believing hearts, our Lord accomplished His purpose of establishing an integrated people who were eager to serve Him and do good in His name.1 God intended these people to work together in a unified purpose, making them the strongest sociological force on earth, not by might, but by the power of His Spirit in us. This flourishing fellowship provides the most enriching environment to encourage our spiritual health.

In Oklahoma, our superintendent, who pastors us, says, “We are better together!” This is not just a slogan or cliché. His vision for us fulfills God’s purpose of inviting us to gather in close fellowship. Jesus prayed His direct purpose in John 17 for His disciples and those of us who would believe their message. He had intentionally “given” something to accomplish the close connection of believers to one another—so we may be one as He and the Father are one.

Today, we as God’s people experience His purposes (Eph. 1:3-12), both individually and corporately, to know Him as the “Father.” Our embrace of this relational connectivity transforms us into His children in the oneness of the Kingdom family. Through that unity, He intended us to know Him and be known by Him through the same love shared between Jesus and Himself (John 17:23).

How can two different people become “one?” God fashioned all living things to interact relationally and environmentally to survive, reproduce, and achieve higher order. All the world has followed this. Throughout history, cultures have attempted to collect and preserve knowledge in libraries from many fields of study and experience. These data stores would provide foundations for future generations on which to build. Collective wisdom connected whole societies together with principles that stabilized and allied people. As people learned the same information and skills, their ability to work together increased, providing them with progressive connectivity. New knowledge reformed people’s practices and thus changed how their lives interacted with others.

Recent discoveries in neurobiology reveal some of God’s intentional design for this connection. Beginning with basic parts of the brain, Daniel Siegel, a renowned neurobiological researcher, stated, “With a left and right hemisphere physically separated and functionally differentiated, we can achieve more adaptive function if we come to integrate them into a whole. This is how, I believe, creativity emerges not from one side or another, but from their integration.”2 This complex science proves individual well-being and maturity increases the more this collaborative integration process takes place. We are smarter when we use both sides of our brain. Relationally, this concept is writ large.

One example shows that men work mainly from the left brain, and women act primarily from the right. The left is more purpose-orientated and linear in function. The male brain appears more differentiated, allowing the separate regions to work more in-depth on their own. Men generally gather for a specific purpose (e.g., cars, hunting, sports), and friendship revolves around activities. A male’s linear processing makes him good at getting a job done and solving problems.3

The right brain works more relationally and is emotionally sensitive. Karen, my wife of 52 years, enjoys her capacity to invite and strengthen relationships. She encouraged me greatly in ways to develop my relationship with our children. Women are more likely to discuss issues involving the dynamics of connection with one another on a broader scale than men. They tend to think more in terms of nurturing relational connections. This function facilitates our need to draw close to God in loving relationship and to show His compassion to the world.4

So, if men work primarily from the left brain and women from the right when they work together, they form one mind. God clearly intended for husband and wife to work together to learn the art of cherishing. Scripture repeatedly draws comparisons to a husband’s protective love and a wife’s devotional caring to reveal a more complete picture of God’s own heart.

How, then, do two actually become one? In 2005, the validation of mirror neurons on the frontal cortex of the brain confirmed that we absorb another’s emotional content through empathetic connection. This empathy generates memory and increased brain development. I have often asked parents if they felt a hurt when their children fell to the ground. They always do and never forget it. How do they receive that physical information? “Mirror properties of the nervous system provide an important window into examining the nature of culture and how shared ritual behaviors within our families, schools, and communities enable us to resonate with each other’s internal states, including intentions”5 Our ability to feel one another provides the means of knowing and being known by another.

This emotional information from the mirror neurons provides a means for compassion to be experienced. When Jesus saw people suffering, He knew something about them and felt compassion. Three actions affect this outcome: presence, attunement, and resonance.

1. PRESENCE IS UNDISTRACTED CARE GIVEN TO ANOTHER.

It is listening fully. When a pastor prays for someone with focused attention, he or she hears where the other person is in their need. We compassionately join with them there to pray effectually. Think of the impact of the opposite: if we are not present, faith is not shared, and the person’s hope diminishes. How do you feel when you are sincerely talking to someone who’s checking their phone? This lessens the construction of conscious memory, distracting from connective knowing.6 When establishing new forms of worship while in exile, the Lord instructed Ezekiel to tell the Israelites, “On the Sabbaths and New Moons the people of the land are to worship in the presence of the Lord…” (Ezk. 46:3). The Lord invites us into His presence undistracted to appropriately worship Him with due honor. Thus, we honor another by giving them our focused attention.

2. ATTUNEMENT OCCURS WHEN ONE PERSON EXPERIENCES ANOTHER’S FEELINGS BEING EXPRESSED.

While praying, we become aware of someone’s need as if we share the weight with them. Both are present in a state of mind and emotion. When two are gathered in such a manner, Jesus joins with them in shared consideration (Matt. 18:20). The context of that passage suggests how a brother or sister is restored in a relationship by making an effort to attune with each other. Family therapists view a parent’s ability to empathize with their children as one of the most helpful attributes that strengthen a child’s well-being and relational skills.

3. RESONANCE MOVES US BEYOND UNDERSTANDING AND INTO ENGAGEMENT.

I am not just feeling the other person; my neuro circuitry moves me to an action of compassion and genuine interest. When Jesus felt compassion for the crowds following Him, He told the disciples to feed them.7 Imagine the impression left on the little boy (possibly Mark) who gave up his lunch for the miraculous event. Resonance makes two a part of one system of knowledge and beliefs. As Siegel suggests, “Two ‘me’s’ become a ‘we’.”8 As believers, we can encourage one another with the common knowledge and experience of our salvation in Christ and our hope in His promises. When Karen and I are sweetly greeted at various churches we visit, we always feel at home because of attuned resonance with the fellowship.

These three neurobiological actions create the essential condition of trust. No one feels spiritually healthy without trust in what we believe. This by-product of trust enables pastors to engage members freely and to heal, encourage, and strengthen people in God’s purposed love.

To practice empathetic connection as we have discussed:

• A person must first suspend judgment concerning the other person’s feelings and experience in order to be present. Upset people do not always accurately express their feelings at first, so one must listen deeper and with patience. And because we can feel them, suspending our judgment, not eliminating it, just suspending, we make more space in our head and heart for shared meaning. As well, we are more able to hear what the Holy Spirit has to say and to guide us. Suspended judgment in presence honors another’s voice.

• As we attune with understanding, it is important to validate what another is experiencing. “Wow, that sounds scary. Seems you would feel very unsafe.” Such acknowledgments help regulate emotions in complex matters. No arguments. Inappropriate reactions, such as judgment or criticism, create further damage. We have all made this mistake at least once. Attuned affirmation of another’s feelings, you “get it,” promotes emotional and spiritual healing through the mirror properties9 and the Holy Spirit’s input.

• In such attuned connection, we are moved to extend an invitation to closeness or further communication. We often offer to pray for them or give care. This process builds meaning around bonding experiences that define the relationship. To give and to answer an invitation is one of the sweetest and most satisfying of all connections—both parties are connected because they want to be. There is little question of belonging.

• Resonance is expressed in the connections of meaning shared from bonding experiences and common rituals. How much meaning is voiced and exchanged in church on Christmas and Easter? Empathetic connections interweave suspended judgment, validation, invitation, and meaningful connection to support the spiritual and emotional dynamic of a Christian community. Thus, trusting such interaction releases brothers and sisters to feel free to contribute to the unifying purposes that glorifies our God in His love for us.

In a symphony, each instrument must play its part to compose the music you hear. Musicians submit to the orchestration of the conductor. Each brings his or her training, skill level, and style to interact with other musicians and instruments. Within their collaboration, a corollary melody emerges we call a song. One song is distinguished based on the resonance from the many parts of the orchestra.

The everyday people in Acts were a symphony to the world that articulated God’s designed melody of the heavenly Family. They carried out extraordinary events in an unbelieving society to demonstrate God’s power to connect us. He called on simple folk and educated leaders, both male and female, to show that His Kingdom develops in the hearts and minds of those who love Him. When we pray compassionately for another or share the inspiration of Scripture in mutual thinking, isn’t it a glorious moment in Christ, Him in us, and us in Him? This collaboration in our design empowers those for whom Jesus prayed. Collectively, we fulfill the enfolding unity that reflects God’s love for Jesus to be the same as for us.10

In Oklahoma, we are empowered together.

Dr. Kinman recently retired from 30 years as a pastoral marriage & family counselor and 20 years as a professor at Northwest University. He is a military veteran of nine years, and now serves the Oklahoma district as an encourager. The Kinmans live with their family in Newalla.

1Titus 2:14v

2Siegel, D. J. (2007) The mindful brain: Reflection and attunement in the cultivation of well-being. New York: W. W. Norton & Company. Page 46.

3Crabb, L. (1991). Men and Women: Enjoying the Difference. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan Publishing House. Page 83.

4Crabb, (1991), p 84.

5Siegel, (2007), p. 167.

6Siegel, D. J. (2012) The Developing Mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are, 2nd Ed. New York: the Guilford Press. “Without focal attention, items are not encoded explicitly.” Page 63.

7Matt. 14:13-21; Mk. 6:32-44; John 6:1-13.

8Siegel, (2012), p. 308.

9Siegel, (2012), i.e. Contingent communication. pp.93-96; 133; 143. 10John 17:23