Thoughts on National Coming Out Day from a Bisexual Cis-Woman

By Abbykate Waugh (she/hers)

National Coming Out Day is an annual 2SLGBTQIA+ awareness day observed on October 11 to support members of the community to "come out of the closet" and live their lives openly. NCOD was inaugurated by psychologist Robert Eichberg and political activist Jean O'Leary in 1988, the midst of the AIDS Epidemic. The movement was to celebrate coming out as a good thing even as many prejudiced pieces of legislation were introduced and put into practice. By 1990, NCOD was observed in all 50 states. At its core, NCOD is a celebration in direct contrast to the homophobia and transphobia 2SLGBTQIA+ folx encounter and for a long time, I did not question that narrative.

In 2001, Teenage Abbykate was adamant that coming out was essential to the full Queer Experience. The act of saying “I’m gay” or “I’m bisexual” or “I’m fill-in-the-blank” was the webbing that bound all the members of the Alphabet Mafia together especially when we said those words to people who may not have been ready to hear them. It was a wild time of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" so telling felt monumental in its importance. My own coming out to my heteronormative parents felt like an act of pride and righteousness and maybe even defiance in the face of my white, suburbanite, upper-middle-class upbringing. When I really look back, however, it was a definite non-event. They already knew (I mean, I was 16 and taping Queer as Folk off the TV like it was my actual job). But the act of saying it out loud to them still made me feel so strong and connected to other queer folks, standing on the shoulders of people who had done so before and before and before all the way through history that I couldn’t imagine anyone not wanting to come out.

In 2022, my thoughts regarding the whole concept of coming out have evolved along with my perspective as an adult, my vocabulary, and my thoughts about sexuality and gender. For example, previously I said “the full Queer Experience” when I should have been saying “my Queer Experience” because every queer person’s choice to come out or not come out is unique and valid. I also now realize that my extremely privileged upbringing in a physically, mentally, and emotionally safe environment informed my coming out experience. I also now question coming out as a necessity. On one side, I still believe that visibility is a powerful force for queer folx to find one another, but on the other, I definitely believe that queer people do not owe coming out to anyone including other queer people especially when doing so would endanger them or cause them harm. Additionally, the language surrounding coming out makes it sound like all queer people are inherently hiding something from society when that's clearly not remotely the case.

Today and going forward, I am committed to building the narrative around inviting folx in instead of folx coming out (which centers the emotional labor onto heterosexual people to do the work of becoming more inclusive) while still showing up as a visible, vocal advocate for my vibrant, growing community.