The Dam

By Abigale Mazzo

The best parties were always at the Sherman County Dam. It didn’t really matter who was throwing them, they were bound to be good once word got out. Everyone between seventeen and twenty-two went and most everyone contributed to the pile of contraband. The best of the best parties happened early in the summer when the kids that moved away for college came back and were still reeling from campus life, wanting to share their newfound bong and keg skills with younger friends. Johnny and Kyle liked the dam best when the weather was bitter cold. They could almost guarantee they would be the only ones out there. It was cold and every breath was a sharp pain in the center of their chests, but it was quiet and isolated in a way that made things feel open and easy.

Friday afternoon Kyle followed Johnny down the front steps of the high school. He wanted to ask him to go to the dam that evening and hang out, but he was nervous. Even after they’d been hanging out for almost a year, Kyle still worried he was going to bother Johnny anytime he spoke to him. Johnny almost always said ‘sure, let’s do it’ but it still made Kyle’s palms sweat to ask. Kyle had a hard time making friends at school. In his sophomore year he had developed a severe case of acne, leading to everyone calling him “Crater” and avoiding him like the plague for fear he might be contagious. Johnny didn’t seem to mind the acne. He was semi-popular since he was so laid back, everyone couldn’t help but like him. Johnny was also funny, even his teachers let him get away with more jokes in class than anyone else, but he never made fun of Kyle. Kyle appreciated that about him and felt like it meant something. Like maybe Johnny felt some sort of affinity for Kyle.

Johnny didn’t really care one way or another about Kyle hanging around. He didn’t condone how the other kids treated Kyle, but Johnny also didn’t really try to stop them from teasing Kyle. He felt generally indifferent about most things in life, so when Kyle started hanging out with him, following him around after school and on weekends, he just let it happen. Kyle was nice enough, and pretty easy to talk to. They didn’t have many shared interests, but it didn’t really matter since they could always fall back to talking about school or homework when an awkward silence threatened to set in. Johnny didn’t mind silence, but he could tell Kyle hated it. Kyle would say just about anything to fill the void and sometimes it made Johnny laugh, even when Kyle wasn’t trying to be funny. Johnny could tell this made Kyle feel good in a way. Johnny could see Kyle smile and look almost bashful whenever he laughed at something Kyle said. But still, Johnny never gave him a pity laugh, and he felt good about that.

“Want to hang out tonight,” Kyle asked, “Unless you got plans or something.”

“Sure, sounds alright. Want to go now or you gotta go home first?” Johnny asked.

“Let me go home and tell ma that I’m going out. I can meet you around six probably.” Kyle said.

Johnny wanted to laugh. Kyle always had to tell his ma where he was going and when. Johnny’s parents never asked, hadn’t even asked when he was little either, they just assumed he’d be out with someone and come back when he was hungry. Instead of laughing, he gave Kyle a nod and said he’d see him later before setting off to the McGuires’ house. He bought all his weed from the McGuire’s, and sometimes other stuff if he was feeling particularly bored. It wasn’t great quality, but it came in great quantity and they didn’t care when he was a little short on cash.

The McGuires lived a few blocks from the high school and Johnny wondered if that was a tactical move on their part. Students could easily drop by on the way home without losing much time or even missing the bus if they rode home. It was just as easy to pop over and say hi to Tony or Laura during the lunch break too. Johnny learned the hard way to always knock before entering. It wasn’t pleasant to catch some of the activities that took place in their house. He knocked with three quick raps and heard Laura’s muffled call for him to come in. The house was dark and cool, with just a small table lamp in the back corner of the living room illuminating the space. Laura was in the kitchen just off to the right making lots of noise with metal pans.

“Come in here. I’m making dinner for Nickie,” she called.

“How’s it going, I just stopped by to pick up a baggy.”

“Oh, well in that case,” she put a pot full of rice back on the burner and moved to the small table set up in the dining room, “I’m gonna have to go get it. It’ll just take a sec.”

She pulled a black purse out from under a pile of newspapers, magazines, and other mail and dug around for a small key inside. Then she disappeared down a dark hallway and Johnny heard the dampened sounds of a cabinet being open and a heavy door swinging on hinges. Then a few moments later Laura was back with a small brown bag in her left hand. She held out her right hand, palm up. Johnny reached into his backpack and pulled out a wad of crumpled bills.

“I’m pretty sure this’ll cover it, but you can count just in case,” he said.

They exchanged their bundles and slipped them into their respective pockets as Laura guided him back to the front door.

“Nickie and Tony will be back soon, so you go ahead and run along now.”

Johnny stepped back out into the chill and pulled his collar closer around his neck. It didn’t look like snow, but the north wind was bitter. He thought he might stop by his house before heading to the dam and get another jacket.

Kyle’s mom was waiting for him when he got home. She always was. She sat at the front window in her chair and watched for him. Sometimes she would pretend to read a book or work on a needlepoint, but really she was sitting and watching.

“Did you have a good day at school?” she asked as he came through the door. She never gave him a chance to get all the way through the threshold before she was asking questions.

“Yeah, it was alright,” he said, “Me and Johnny are going to hang out tonight. Do some homework at his house.”

“Are you sure you can’t do it here?” she asked this every time.

“Yeah, ma, you know he’s got a computer so we have to do it there,” Kyle said.

Johnny didn’t have a computer, but Kyle’s mom didn’t know that and she would never be able to get a hold of Johnny’s parents to check.

“Do you need to eat before you go? I already have dinner in the oven. It should be ready here soon,” she said.

Kyle looked at his watch, it was only 4:30 now. He could eat and still make it out to dam with plenty of time. He felt his mom watching him, hopeful.

“Yeah, ma. I can eat before I go.”

“Oh good,” she clapped her hands, “I made chicken and sweet potatoes. I hope that’s okay.”

“Sorry I’m late,” Kyle said.

Johnny was bouncing on the balls of his feet, cheeks red and breath coming out in short gusts. He had decided to walk to the dam instead of riding his bike so that he could hitch a ride back into town with Kyle without

having to worry about fitting the bike in the backseat. But Kyle had come out on his bike instead of bringing his mom’s car.

“Shit,” Kyle said when he saw Johnny eyeing his bike, “Ma said she needed the car to go to some book club or something.”

“It’s alright,” Johnny said, “I should have brought mine.”

“You can always ride on the back or something,” Kyle said.

“Nah, it’s whatever. It’s not that cold.”

Kyle left his bike near the rotten wood picnic table near the head of the creek and the two started walking along the bank towards the dam. The creek was covered in a layer of ice that seemed more solid than usual and as they walked they threw rocks and debris onto the ice.

“You think this place will ever dry up?” Kyle asked.

“No,” Johnny said as he looked ahead to the lake created by the dam, “There’s some, like, massive aquifer or some shit under ground that feeds all of this. It’s what makes that spring at the start of the creek.”

“That’s why it never really freezes, right?”

“Something like that. But it looks pretty frozen to me right now.”

Johnny spotted a large stone on the side of the path and picked it up. He held it above his head for a moment before flinging it onto the ice. It hit with a loud crash, but didn’t even make a mark on the ice. They laughed and continued on, throwing as many heavy stones as they could onto the creek. The sound of stone meeting ice echoed around them and for a while they didn’t say anything. The wind was blowing and they shivered in their coats and caps. Kyle didn’t wear gloves, he hated the way they made his fingers feel stiff and unusable, but now he wished he had some as the cold was making his fingers completely numb.

“Want one of my gloves?” Johnny asked.

“That’s okay,” Kyle said.

Johnny removed a glove anyway and passed it to Kyle, who took it without another word and slipped it onto his left hand. He wanted to try and squeeze his right hand in too, but decided against it. They made it to the dam and climbed up the side where years of wear had created a rough set of stairs to the top. Kids had been climbing the dam for decades, even though the signs posted everywhere told them to stay away.

“Yeah, but it’s just some rumor. There’s nothing for them to come back for,” Johnny answered.

“Maybe. But I guess her mom liked it here and doesn’t want to keep moving around like they had been so Julia and her mom might come back while her dad moves on his own.”

“Like, they’re getting divorced or something?” Johnny asked.

“I don’t think so, just like living apart for a while or something,” Kyle said.

They sat on the edge of the dam, their feet dangling over the edge. The wind pushed against their backs and they huddled into themselves against its chill. They could see a long way into the distance from there but there wasn’t really much to see. Just fields that went on for miles and a spattering of trees here and there. The sun was just now slipping beneath the edge of the horizon. It took a long time to set out here, even in the winter, because the earth was so flat. There wasn’t a hill or a curve or even a ridge for the sun to set behind.

“I always thought she was kind of cute,” Kyle said in a slow voice.

They didn’t talk about girls very much, it felt strange for them to bring up the girls they liked to one another.

“Yeah. She’s cute,” Johnny said, “Nice too, I guess.”

“She never really said much to me. But she also never said anything mean to me.”

“That all it takes for you to like a girl?” Johnny laughed before he meant to.

“No,” Kyle scowled.

“I know, I’m just kidding.”

“I like her because she’s smart,” Kyle said.

Johnny pulled out his little brown bag from Laura McGuire. Kyle looked at it but didn’t say anything. He envied Johnny’s ability to do whatever he wanted all the time. Johnny’s parents didn’t grill him about every detail of his day. They trusted him. Kyle knew his mom wouldn’t say it that way, but it was the truth. She didn’t trust him to make the right decisions and she didn’t trust him when he said he was doing fine. She always seemed afraid that Kyle was on the verge of having some sort of mental breakdown or major depressive episode. Kyle thought she was probably projecting. Johnny’s parents didn’t seem to have the same fears about their son.

“Woah, man! We’re too high up here for that.”

Johnny was skilled with joints. He had one ready in less time than it took Kyle to recover from his embarrassment at Johnny’s gentle reprimand. Johnny had been smoking since he was twelve after David Hollingsworth introduced him to the substance at a sleepover. Johnny offered the joint to Kyle.

“Want the first hit?”

“I don’t know.”

“It’s so windy out here, your mom would never be able to smell it. And by the time you get home, all you gotta say is that you’re tired from all that studying we did.”

Kyle looked at the joint extended between Johnny’s fingers. He felt something inside him twisting. He had never smoked or drank. He’d never kissed a girl, or even held a girl’s hand for that matter. Kyle had never done anything interesting. Johnny was always doing interesting things. That’s why people liked him. He was laid back, but he was cool. Johnny had stories and he was good at telling them. Kyle needed to make more stories.

“You know what, yeah. Okay. Let me see it.” Kyle reached for the joint and Johnny gave a surprised laugh.

“Sweet. Remember to breathe it in deep and hold. It might make you cough.”

Kyle took a deep breath and tried to focus on making the smoke go all the way into his chest. He could not cough. He wouldn’t. It would be too embarrassing.

“Okay, okay! You can let it out now. Don’t make yourself sick.” Johnny thumped Kyle on the back.

Kyle let the smoke out in a large plume. He could feel his eyes welling up and every part of his lungs and throat wanted to cough, but he wouldn’t. Instead he swallowed a gulp of frozen air and shoved his hands into his coat pockets.

“I don’t feel anything,” Kyle said.

Johnny laughed again. He put the joint in his own mouth and took a deep pull. It seemed impossible, but it was getting colder and the wind was blowing harder.

“Why don’t we climb down out of the wind? It seems stupid to stay up here,” Kyle said.

It was cold enough on top of the dam wall that they didn’t need further discussion to climb down and find a place along the bank of the lake to sit and smoke out of the wind. Each of them took a few more pulls in silence. Kyle felt a little sick to his stomach. Johnny was relaxing into himself.

“It hasn’t been this cold for as long as I can remember,” Kyle said.

“That’s because you can only remember the moment you’re in,” Johnny said.

“I bet the lake is frozen. It was already sort of shallow this summer since it was so hot, perfect conditions for it to actually be solid this year.” Kyle started looking for a large rock. He found one that he couldn’t lift on his own.

“Help me throw this out there.”

Johnny looked at Kyle and lazily stood up. To Kyle, Johnny looked like he was moving underwater. They lifted the rock, grunting against its weight. It was heavier than Kyle anticipated. Johnny cursed under his breath as they waddled to the edge of the lake.

“On the count of three,” Kyle grumbled, “One, two … three!”

They launched the rock as hard as they could. It slammed into the ice with a loud crack but the ice didn’t break. The boys dissolved into a fit of giggles. They looked around the bank for more large rocks to heave. Each time a rock struck the ice and the sound reverberated around them, they laughed uncontrollably.

“I dare you to walk on the water,” Johnny said through tears streaming down his face.

“Like Jesus?” Kyle said.

“Like Jesus,” Johnny burst into laughter again.

Kyle didn’t hesitate as he normally might. He ran out onto the frozen lake with gusto, laughing hysterically as he ran. The air hurt his lungs as he took deep breaths between laughs. He’d never been more cold in his life, but he’d also never felt more free. Kyle sprinted in circles out on the ice, sliding on his turns. Johnny cheered him on from the bank and they both laughed harder and harder until it felt like ice was filling their lungs. It stung deep in their chests, but that didn’t stop them. It was as if their insides were bursting open and laughter was pouring out.

“Stop, stop it. You’re killing me!” Kyle yelled back to Johnny.

Kyle stopped abruptly with his hands on his knees. He was panting hard, blowing large gusts of steam from between his lips. Drops of sweat formed on his forehead and upper lip and almost immediately froze in place.

“Holy shit,” Kyle shouted to Johnny on the shore, “It’s never been this cold in all my life.”

“You want to head back?”

bank. “I don’t know, maybe.” Kyle straightened up and took in a few deep gulps before turning to walk back to the

“This air is vicious, man,” Johnny said.

Kyle laughed and started to do a stuttered skip across the ice. His hands were deep in his pockets and he flapped his elbows like wings.

“Cock-a-doodle-doooo!” he hollered as he strutted across the ice.

“I’ve never seen an uglier cock in all my life,” Johnny called.

“You’ve seen lots of cocks, huh?” Kyle yelled back before dissolving into laughter all over again.

Johnny started to yell a response, but a loud crack echoed through the air and took them by surprise. It sounded like a gunshot and they looked around the lake for the shooter. The noise came again, but this time it set off a crescendo and crackles that seemed to go on forever. Kyle froze. Johnny froze.

“Oh no…” Johnny mouthed.

Kyle dropped to his knees before sliding onto his stomach and flatting his body into the shape of a starfish. The ice was jagged on his cheek. He clenched his jaw and through gritted teeth began to pray.

“Kyle, oh shit … Kyle don’t move,” Johnny felt himself jumping up and down but couldn’t seem to make it stop, “I’m gonna get help. Just don’t move, man.”

Johnny started to run towards the mouth of the creek but quickly remembered they didn’t have a car, just Kyle’s bike. He turned around and ran back to the bank. He could see Kyle no more than 150 feet away, his dark silhouette frozen on the ice.

“We don’t have a car, Kyle. There’s no car. It’ll take too long for me to go in and come back.” Johnny felt something rising from his stomach. Something nasty. Kyle remained silent and stiff.

Kyle didn’t respond but Johnny could see that his form was slowly moving. Kyle’s arms came up as he tried to inch himself forward with miniscule movements. Johnny’s breath was coming in ragged gasps. His whole body was alive and full of energy, but he felt completely helpless. If he could ride the bike back to town, maybe he could get someone to drive out to the dam with a rope and some supplies to pull Kyle back to shore. It was late, but he could find someone with a truck. It wouldn’t be hard to do. But what if Kyle fell through the ice while he was gone, what if he could do something now to help and instead he left when Kyle needed him most.

“Should I go get someone? What do I do?” Johnny yelled again, but there was still only silence from Kyle as he inched himself forward in centimeters.

Every few minutes, another crack rang through the air and Johnny held his breath as he waited to see if it was the crack that would suck Kyle under.

“Stay flat,” Johnny yelled, “Don’t stand up, just stay flat and go slow.”

Kyle clearly knew that. But Johnny didn’t know what else to say. He kept shouting encouragement and advice while jumping up and down uncontrollably.

“Please shut up, Johnny. Please.” Kyle’s voice was strained.

“I’m sorry, what should I do?”

“Just shut up.”

The ice was shifting beneath Kyle’s weight, like a water bed. There was no water on the surface around him, so the cracks were likely not close to him yet. If he could get within twenty feet of the bank, the water would be shallow enough that he could likely make it to shore even if he broke through the ice. If he fell through now, he would need a rescue team to get him out. He wanted to tell Johnny to go and get help, but he also didn’t want to be alone. Kyle focused on his breathing and the slow motion of bringing his arms up and slowly pushing them back on the ice. He moved deliberately, always checking the ice in front of him for water or cracks. His arms came up, hands met ice, and slowly pushed them back again as his chest slid forward slightly. Kyle completed this motion continuously though he couldn’t tell if he was making any real progress in the dark. Johnny remained quiet on the shore.

Kyle pushed his hands above his head and when he drew them back, he felt water seeping into Johnny’s borrowed glove on his left hand. He stopped moving.

“Water?”

“In front of me,” Kyle said, “There’s water.”

“Shit.”

Kyle continued to inch forward, slower than before. There was more water and the ice was undulating beneath him. He wanted to go faster, to get away from the water and make it closer to the shore. Vomit was rising in his throat and he knew he was on the verge of panic. Everything in him wanted to get up and run. To escape the ice as quickly as possible and get back to the shore. If he got a little wet, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Johnny could get him back to town and it would be something to laugh at in the morning. His mom would be pissed, but she would forgive him.

“I’m gonna run,” Kyle said.

“No!” Johnny yelled, “No, don’t!”

Kyle was already pulling his knees underneath him and pushing himself onto his hands. From this position he began to crawl forward and covered more ground in a moment than he had so far. He felt hope. The bank was getting closer and closer, he could see Johnny erratically bouncing up and down with his arms over his head. There was water, sloshing around his hands and knees, soaking his jeans but the ice seemed to be holding under his weight. He placed a foot down on the ice, his silhouette looking like a sprinter at the blocks.

“Kyle, don’t!” Johnny screamed.

Kyle pushed off and began to sprint. The ice was holding. He was going to make it to the shore.

“Stop! It’s going to break!”

Kyle started to slip, he felt the ice dropping out from beneath him. It was like a stupid cartoon, his legs sprinting but his body sinking instead of moving forward.

“Kyle!” Johnny was screaming his name.

Water filled his shoes and his jeans were soaking up to the waist. Kyle flung his arms out to catch the ice, but instead he broke through and the freezing water rose to his neck. He flailed around him and tried to scream for help but water rushed into his mouth. The water was black and cold. Kyle’s clothes swelled with it making them heavy and stiff. He fought to keep his head above the water line, but kept slipping deeper after ever

Johnny stood on the bank screaming for Kyle. He watched as Kyle slipped and fell through the ice with disbelief. He wanted to race into the water and pull Kyle to safety, but he knew that would only kill them both. He wanted to run into town and get someone to help, but there was no time. Kyle was already in the water. Johnny screamed until he lost his voice. Then he sank to the ground and cried.

Johnny wasn’t sure how long he stayed there, but when he tried to stand both his legs were asleep and he felt completely numb. The fingers on his left hand, the hand without a glove, were white and burning. He stumbled to Kyle’s bike but didn’t touch it. Riding it home would be faster, he could ride to the fire station and alert them to the accident. They would ask him lots of questions. They would wonder why he didn’t do more to help. People in town would ask him even more questions and they would never let him forget. And Kyle’s mother. Her grief would haunt him. She would follow him through life, always begging for the answer to why he hadn’t done more. Johnny looked away from Kyle’s bike and towards the lake. It was too dark to see anything, the expanse of water and ice was inseparable from the black sky. It was like looking out into a deep void.

It took forty-five minutes to walk home. Sometimes he jogged, but he didn’t want to break a sweat and freeze. The house was dark and quiet when he arrived. His parents usually went to bed early during the week but left the back door unlocked for him. It was easy to slip in and climb the stairs to his room without making a noise. Years of practice taught him how to secure the latch slowly without a click, and how to walk directly in the center of the steps to avoid a squeak. In the morning, he would tell his parents that he arrived home around eleven p.m. rather than two a.m. He would say he had been at the basketball game. When Kyle’s mother called, as he knew she would, Johnny would tell her the same thing. He hadn’t seen Kyle, wasn’t sure where he’d been. He would tell her that, yes, they normally studied together after school but that they hadn’t that night. Johnny wanted to go to the game instead.

Johnny knew they would find Kyle’s bike at the lake eventually. They would put it together. They might even drag his body from the lake and give his mother closure. It would be sad. People would cry and lament the loss, but they wouldn’t blame Johnny. It would be a terrible, possibly suicidal, accident. But it wouldn’t be Johnny’s fault. Johnny stripped off his stiff clothes and threw them in a pile next to the bed. The bed was freshly made, his mom sometimes did that when she felt like they hadn’t seen each other in a while. He slipped beneath the heavy comforter and pulled it up to his neck. His hand was still burning, but the color was returning. There were neon stars on the ceiling above his bed. A remnant of his childhood in this room. They glowed in the dark and Johnny counted them over and over again until he fell asleep.