See Golden Corral

Thursday, April 1, 2021 | Page 5 Golden Corral: Moe’s replacement announced

Continued from Page 1

Sophomore Selinna Tran echoed Pitterle’s thoughts.

“I hate Golden Corral,” Tran said. “The thought of that terrible establishment being on this campus raises my basal body temperature by 4 degrees [Fahrenheit]. I can feel my proteins denaturing within me as we speak.”

Pitterle and Tran are joining forces with a group of 60 other students to protest the new culinary addition.

But administrators will not budge. They are insisting that the introduction of a Golden Corral on campus will both improve the restaurant’s reputation and boost the school back into top-25 territory. How either of those seemingly impossible feats will occur is currently unknown.

According to Golden Corral CEO Prance Brenary, the Wake Forest Office of Development reached out to the buffet chain on Jan. 19 to negotiate a partnership.

“We are ecstatic to expand our business by building on a college campus for the first time,” Brenary said. “I am honestly surprised that Wake Forest was the first to reach out — I always thought we would first expand to a campus like Appalachian State. Nonetheless, we are happy to become a part of the Demon Deacon family!”

The university will be hosting a Corral to Conversation to hear student feedback later this month.

Graphic Courtesy of Katie Fox

Students have protested the arrival of Golden Corral on campus to no avail. University administrators insist that the restaurant will bump Wake Forest into the top-25 in national rankings.

Deacon Narcotics Patrol invades Johnson

The DNP braved the desolate conditions of Johnson to find a dark secret lurking underground

BY CONNOR MCNEELY

Opinions Editor mcnecb19@wfu.edu

It’s over. I can’t hide this from anyone anymore. Everyone who knows me or has been in contact with me over these past couple of weeks has noticed that there’s something deeply wrong with me. Today is the day that the truth comes out, no matter what the cost. Last week on a covert mission with the DNP (Deacon Narcotics Patrol), I infiltrated the depths of Johnson Residence Hall.

In retrospect, I really don’t know how I didn’t realize that this was a suicide mission, through and through. In my debrief, everything remained classified (I went in completely blind, not knowing what lay ahead of me, nor the life-endangering risks that I would end up taking). Going in, all I had was some intel about people that didn’t have their masks on in one of the basement common rooms. So, my commanding officer looked to her best, brightest and most passionate snitch on the entire campus. Naturally, I went all out.

I remember thinking to myself, how could I let such a super-spreader event occur under my watch? If I was going to protect every single student on campus, I knew such could only be accomplished by going into people’s rooms, one by one, and making sure that each and every individual had their masks on.

I also knew that my holy crusade must begin in the belly of the beast — the Johnson basement. A place where few, if any, students strayed.

As a proud alumnus of Angelou Residence Hall, I had only heard the legends about this dark biohazard of a dormitory on campus. We told each other the stories we had overheard as we played games on our air-hockey tables and spoke over the incredibly immersive audio system and giant TVs in our media rooms. Yet, my fellow Angelou brethren and I understood that nothing could possibly compare to the nightmarish events that occurred within the walls of Johnson itself.

We wondered in awe about the sizes of their rooms — it was rumored that empty singles were a disciplinary measure used by the administration for solitary confinement. There were times at night when I would gaze over my reflection in the mirror above my sink in my vast double, wondering what it would be like if I didn’t have any of this.

If we’re being honest here, Johnsonites are easy to spot. I mean, they were handselected by Res Life, condemned to suffer for a year in the depths of despair. Now don’t get me wrong, some of them might not deserve it, but after a year or even a semester in that dorm, who amongst us wouldn’t turn to the dark side? Broken air purifiers, heads busting through walls — the list goes on and on. The place was ripe for the picking, and I was beyond ready to contact some residential advisors and annoy the campus police.

I ventured into that darkness on March 6, a time I carefully chose so I could catch wrongdoers coming back from darties hoping for a Saturday evening snooze. Armed with my trusty walkie-talkie and dripping with 10-pocketed cargo-pant swag, I crept into the dorm and awaited action. As I descended down the stairs into the lowest floor, my heart skipped a beat when the overhead lights of the corridor suddenly went out. A dark figure loomed some 20 feet away.

Believe me when I tell you this: that night, I saw a seven-foot-tall reptilian standing across from me. It was only after I called out to the creature to identify itself that I watched it transform back a Johnson resident — a red puffer jacket somehow rising out of her green flesh.

Before I could escape, I realized there was a strange smell in the air. It was as if someone had rolled around the floor of DKE, covering their undergarments with sweat and vomit before taking them to Subway and toasting them in a meatball sub, then dunking said sub in a vat of Pit dishwater, eating said sub, throwing up said sub, scattering the remains of the regurgitation on the upper quad, re-collecting these remains and then storing them in a Tupperware container placed inside of the air ventilation system for years … decades ... eons, even.

SneezSafe reworked to hide COVID-19 cases

SneezSafe now includes a $77,342 paywall to avoid a call from Student Health Services

BY COOPER SULLIVAN

Staff Writer sullcg20@wfu.edu

The company tasked with running Wake Forest’s first and only line of defense against a fourth COVID-19 outbreak on campus has been receiving a hail of backlash over the past 24 hours after a new survey question was revealed without a proper warning email from the administration noting the change. The new question only appears if you click on the red frowning face at the beginning of the survey. Before the update, marking that you felt sick would prompt a call from Student Health Services. With the update, students now have the yes/no option to defer this call with a “simple and secure one-time payment of $77,342.”

Most students who reach this question do not have an issue with submitting the payment, but some have raised concerns. For these students, sporting miniscule thumbs and expansive luck is required — SneezSafe has programmed the page so that the “yes” option takes up the entire screen, and both the options are green. If “no” is miraculously chosen, the app will assume it was a mistake and instantly charge the parent’s Venture Credit Card from Capital One. What’s in your wallet? A lot less money, that’s what.

“I tried to click on ‘no’ but I guess my thumb slipped,” freshman Hadley Bahr said. “Seconds later, I got a call from my mom but she wasn’t the one talking to me. It was some deep, scary voice saying that there wasn’t enough money in the bank account connected to my WIN and that they would need some other form of payment. Then I heard my mom screaming in the background and the phone call disconnected.”

“But, hey, at least I’m not going to the hotel,” she added. “Win-win, I guess.”

SneezSafe has also updated the reminder texts it sends out to students who do not fill out the surveys, making these messages more threatening and personalized. Junior Nick Chihlas sent in a screenshot of one of the ominous messages he woke up to on March 29.

“Chili — stupid nickname, by the way — we here at SneezSafe see you haven’t been filling out the daily surveys we send you,” the message reads. “Very inconsiderate, Chili. We hope that this behavior changes before a hypothetical hitman breaks into your Magnolia dorm (301, first room on the left, the bed below the ‘ain’t no laws when you’re drinking claws’ poster) and hypothetically bashes your ankles in with a baseball bat so you hypothetically are no longer to play frisbee golf with your Sig Pi bros. Toodles, TTYL.”

Though the Old Gold & Black was unable to confirm possible relation, multiple incidents of theft from the David Couch Baseball Stadium and sights of big, black-suited, sunglass-donning, toothpick-chewing men and women around campus have been reported to campus authorities.

In a press conference held by SneezSafe’s company president and life-size runny nose mascot, Sneezy denied any wrongdoing and challenged opponents to take him to court.

“As you can clearly see, we did not threaten Mr. Chihlas whatsoever,” Sneezy said. “The word ‘hypothetical’ or any variant of such word was used numerous times. Thus we maintain innocence and cite pure coincidence, should these actions occur tomorrow night.”

University administration has yet to release a statement of their own on the matter, opting instead to retweet a video of Sneezy’s statement and turn a screenshot of this retweet into a yard sign which was placed outside Farrell.

Rumors have been circulating that President Hatch is planning on announcing a committee to look into the survey updates once the academic year has ended. Why the delayed response? It is reported from a source, who wishes to remain anonymous, that President Hatch no longer has the authority to make decisions that elicit legitimate action.

“Once my tenure as university president begins, don’t worry, this will be addressed,” said the anonymous source in a heavy, 1930s Chicago mobster accent. “Nathaniel is a lame duck — a lame Deac, if you will — and frankly, I have made it near impossible for anything that he does in these final weeks to benefit anyone here. He’s my little marionette and I am going to make him dance so horrendously that when I inevitably [expletive] up, no one will care. And that’s just politics, baby. Hasta la vista.”

University plans return to Wake Forest, N.C.

Administration hopes that a move back to the university’s original site will fix all of their current problems

BY CATE PITTERLE

News Editor pittcj20@wfu.edu

After two days of careful deliberation, Wake Forest’s administration has decided the time is right to move campus back to its original location of Wake Forest, N.C.

One administrator, whom the Old Gold & Black spoke to on the condition of anonymity, discussed the administration’s motives behind the move.

“We’re honestly all just bored,” the administrator said. “After spending so much time on Zillow over quarantine, everyone I work with just wanted a change of scenery. When we looked at the numerous affordable mansions (I mean, they’re under $5 million) near the old campus in Wake Forest, we said ‘why not rip it?’ We think it will be best to move the whole community to the original campus in its entirety. After all, Wake Forest loves tradition, and what is more traditional than relocating back to our original campus town?”

According to the administrator, campus will be shipped in parts via U-Haul. A local startup business, Storage Scholars — a move-in staple for Wake students — will assist with moving students’ personal belongings.

It is said that the spire of Wait Chapel will be flown cross-state via private jet. This decision was made after the Blackhawk helicopters, which landed on campus last week for a ROTC training exercise, were unavailable to rent.

“We know this decision might seem shocking,” the administrator said. “On the other hand, at this point we are hoping our eventual email will be confusing enough that everyone shrugs and goes along with it. The fewer questions the better.”

This anonymous administrator, for their part, fully plans to be relaxing on a beach in the Outer Banks when that email is released.

For those concerned about the price of the move, the administrator reassured the Old Gold & Black that it will cost a tiny fraction of the university’s $1.35 billion endowment.

“We have gone over the funds extensively. There is more than enough room in the budget for us to dig up the foundations of each building, ship them an hour and a half down the road, and place them seamlessly onto an empty field in Wake Forest,” said the anonymous administrator. “We will simply withdraw the funds from dining services and planned renovations to Luter.”

Though in an entirely new location, campus will look almost exactly the same. All dorm building renovations will be pushed back, as will efforts to investigate why on Earth students set off the fire alarm every time they attempt to make popcorn.

With that in mind, administrators hope that the Wake Forest experience will remain largely unchanged despite the colossal impending changes. They emphasized that their goal is not to subvert Pro H umanitate, but simply to have a little fun during unprecedented times.

“We hope this move is not too stressful for anyone,” said the administrator. “We know that the combination of midterms, Zoom fatigue, gathering restrictions, awful weather and a literal pandemic has made for a difficult year. This is why we are keeping mental health at the forefront of our minds as we plan this extensive transition to campus life and upend most facets of the Demon Deacon experience.”

The administrator encouraged students to take yoga classes and long walks outside as they prepare for what is to come. They also noted that Fireside on Manchester will continue to operate as normal on the new campus.

Though the move is planned for this summer, Wake Forest has not yet released information about its plans. However, housing selection has been delayed for the 2021-22 school year due to the transition.

As for Wake Forest’s athletics program, administrators hope moving near the Triangle Research Park, which consists of Raleigh, Durham and Chapel Hill, will finally return the basketball team to relevance. Though the team does not hope to compete with Duke, sources noted, they hope the sheer proximity to Cameron Stadium will “get the juices flowing.” As for UNC and NC State — the other two schools in the Triangle — the administrator acknowledged that, if nothing else, Wake Forest merchandise will be displayed in local Targets as well.

Over the semester’s final weeks, students will likely notice a few changes on campus. Administrators plan to pack all signage for the upcoming move early so it will be ready to distribute around the new campus before movein. Additionally, Storage Scholars will begin sending broadcast-all emails early this year. The company hopes this will encourage students to actually use their services this time.