Open Space

I’m an organizer at heart. When I’m stressed, I tackle a junk drawer. When I’m overwhelmed, I pull a closet apart. When I need to bury my head in the sand, I head to the overflowing garage shelves. On the verge of a birthday when I’m turning double nickels as I did recently, I headed to the underwear drawer.

I’d call it ‘lingerie’, but that would make it sound as if it was full of frilly lace corsets, garter belts, and leopard print teddies when in fact, it is not. That being said, there are quite a few holdovers from my thong days.

There was a time — a solid decade or so — when I: a) felt confident enough to wear a thong; b) convinced myself that a piece of string between my butt cheeks was far more comfortable than all that material; and c) thought my jiggling cellulite was more sexy than panty lines.

I was young and naive.

Staring down at three decades worth of underwear, the voice in my head whispered, “You’re old. You’re never wearing a thong again.”

But, maybe I could. Maybe I would. Maybe if I can lose enough weight to fit into those white capris. I’d NEED a thong for those.

“Who are you kidding?” the voice said. “You’d wear a tunic.”

Oh, right.

“Besides, you’ve passed those thongs over the last five major drawer organizing attempts. What happened to your three strike rule?”

Well, yeah. But, it’s not like they take up all that much space. Besides, think how much easier they’d be to wear now that I don’t have to worry about unexpected visits from Aunt Flo.

“Girl — who are you talking to? You went straight from thongs to boy shorts. You bypassed french cut, hipsters, and low rises. You are literally one step shy of granny panties.”

STOP IT. That is not true. Boy shorts are sexy! And, I’m not old! I’m mature…

My thong years were not my happiest by any stretch of that cheap lycra. I was buried in work and not living my best Oprah life. Chances are that sexy pair of fuchsia thongs were worn under a pair of old sweats while cleaning out a client’s basement. Pretty sure that not a lot of pairs saw the light of day let alone any romantic candlelight. But that’s one of the reasons we wear sexy undergarments, right? For ourselves. To make ourselves feel pretty and sexy.

Those thongs helped me feel beautiful on days I needed a little extra convincing. They were an investment in my sexuality and femininity. I may have been eating Ramen noodles at night while watching Law & Order with my cat, but damn it, my underwear said, “Girl—you are hot and sexy and you don’t need a man to prove it. But, if he does show up, you’ll be ready. In the meantime, clean the litter box and open another can of tuna.”

I’m tossing my thongs, and you know what? It feels freeing. I’ve entered a new stage of life. One where I am embracing my body for how it is today. It is good, healthy, and strong. I no longer need to be an underwear masochist. I no longer require a style of underwear to gauge my confidence, attractiveness, or sexiness.

You know what’s sexy? Being able to rock a pair of boy shorts and my husband’s XXL tee. You know what’s sexy? Feeling confident, content, and well. And, being in love with yourself. (Working on that, but succeeding more than not).

Boy shorts are the new thong. They are sexy, in a fun, flirty, ‘let’s lie around after brunch’ way. Besides my Poise panty liners fit in them better. When I laugh—which I plan to often—I need to take a leaky bladder into consideration. A small price to pay for not having to deal with cramps and bloating if you ask me.

I may be anxious about many things, but panty lines isn’t one of them. They are the least of my worries. Maybe I’ll tackle those heels next.

“You’re never gonna wear those pink patent leather stilettos again. Look — you can barely find them for all the sneakers and Uggs.”

Oh, shut up. I might. There are many date nights in my future. At a real restaurant with candle light. Maybe I better hold onto a pair of those thongs too just in case.

Please follow Lori on Medium. She is a local writer, painter and pet lover who loves to share her experiences and expertise.