“Face your life, its pain, its pleasure, Leave no path untaken� - Neil Gaiman
INTRODUCTION This year, I focused on being open to everything, self-refection, experimentation, and personal development, artistically as well as personally. I didn’t know it at the time, but when I applied to graduate school, my objectives came from the perspective of a teacher, my previous occupation. I wanted to understand myself better as a creator to be a more thoughtful art teacher. I have to say this lack of understanding of the angle of my goal, made it that much more shocking and difficult to make sense of just how personal my work became in graduate school. I underestimated the path of a creator. I did not expect the reflection to go as deeply as it did or affect me as greatly. I break this experience into two convenient halves of the journey, the fall semester, and the spring semester. The fall semester being about experimentation and following my intuition, where my illustration work is a place of interest and solace. The second semester is more of a struggle to see if this new, more experimental/surrealist way of working is truly sustainable and meaningful to me. So...follow me down the rabbit hole!
Looking Inward IMAGE HARVEST The image harvest was the most meaningful project for me. It served as a guide in my fall semester, as I changed my process of working and delve into more personal content, my sexuality, repressed anger, and the fickle nature of human connection. My image harvest project has three iterations. The first iteration is a series of three drawings. The pieces (below) evoke sensuality, where I use a dragon woman that shows up in them all. I represent sexuality and Asian stereotypes; however, the work is more about aesthetic than process and content. While the work shows my hand, it also is me trying to imitate someone else... Yuko Shimizu to be specific. Kim (my guiding light) pushed me to start over and this time trust my artistic skill, make something that comes from a place of spontaneity, faith, and honesty. Looking back, I want to soothe my frustrated pushed to the point of “I don’t give a sh*!” self and say, “it’s going to be okay, this WILL be meaningful.
Angry Comics The second iteration is a series of abstract comics. I create these comics, in a completely different way than my usual planned out manner. For these comics, I wanted to be free to show my perspective of anger, vulgarity, and a sense of humor. I show my repressed feelings through these sorts of uncomfortable and ambiguous narratives. At this time, I love the work that makes the least immediate sense, that doesn’t have a clear narrative.
Finding My Language and Going Inward IMAGE HARVEST In the third iteration, I develop my visual language, in order to combine all my ideas into one succinct comic. The comic titled, Inward, reflects my subconscious and what it could look like. This comic is about that act of looking within, trying to understand one’s own existence and what makes it meaningful. I asked myself, what does each layer of turning inward look like? I include images that imply parts of myself, my need for human connection, my sexuality, my religion, and my hope that in the end, there is a clear moment of clarity and connection.
Death and Deteriation PAPERCUT
My paper cut project is inspired by a reading from another class, Tolstoy’s The Death of Ivan Iliach. The story is about a man, a high-level government official, suffering from a terminal illness and coming to terms with his own mortality and potentially wasted life. The story goes through the stages a person endures in the face of death, the first stage being denial, then anger, then acceptance and three more I have not named. I wanted to portray death and the decay that happens to a person’s physical being, representing the misplaced value we put on our actually very fragile bodies. Also, I wanted to show the confusing feelings of denial and anger Ivan Iliach goes through. My style inspiration was the work of Michael Deforge, whose abstract comics, I’ve gone back to again and again throughout the year.
Trying a different Process LASERCUTTING The laser cutting project was a way for me to see my drawings in a three-dimensional form. I repurposed these silly face drawings I was doing on my own, for this project and for a few future project. I was trying a new way of generating ideas. These drawings were inspired by a Michael Deforge interview, where he discusses how he generates ideas for the album covers and band posters he illustrates. He listens to the band’s music and draws whatever comes to his mind. This is what I did when I created these face drawings. I listened to a few songs from the movie Dancer in the Dark, a musical one of my classmates, Alicia, suggested to me. She said it was a very strange and sort of disturbing movie, so this intrigued me. I listened to the soundtrack and just started to draw and these faced are what came out.
FABRIC WORKSHOP
Through the fabric project, I discovered I really enjoy the act of making a physical and functional object. I wanted to focus on the making and test out what my drawings could look like as decoration. The black velvet I chose for the pillow case is supposed to feel luxurious, make the illustrations have a tactile quality. My drawings are always black and white and the high contrast pushes my interest in them, so I kept this color palate. Again, I just wanted to see how to best represent these ink illustrations through fabric. I enjoyed the material exploration and the making of a complete and professional looking pillow case.
Hello Old Friend PUBLISHING PROJECT For the publishing project, we were asked to choose a book and create an entirely new book cover/ jacket for it. One unexpected criteria is that they cover had to go on a tiny matchbox. This assignment is a fine art object as well as an illustratio. We were asked to create a one word summary of the book and incorporate it into the inside of the matchbox somehow. We could do whatever we wanted in the inside to further represent the story. I chose one of my favorite books and authors, Neil Gaiman’s “The Graveyard Book”. In creating my cover, I thought about the feeling of the book, the tone of Neil Gaiman’s writing overall. His writing is a perfect blend of fantasy, darkness, spirituality, and hope. It is mysterious and magical. At the same time the characters always have innocence to them. They are likable heroes overcoming something, so Gaiman’s stories often feel like a fairytale or fable.
The book is a about a boy whose parents are killed by a secret society, while he is just an infant. He then flees the scene, by crawling to a nearby graveyard. He ends up being protected and raised by the ghosts in the graveyard, and by Silus, the graveyard keeper. All the while the secret society is still looking for him. Looking back on this piece, I see another side of my work in the midst of a very confusing moment.
The Struggle TYPOGRAPHY I began this project with a quote and I let my interpretations of its meaning, guide my decision-making. The quote represents the cross road I’m at in my work, between making work that has a message and work that is strictly for myself. Typography is really unknown terrain for me so I use a limited color palate and think of the words as music, like notes on a sheet. My focus is on experimentation, adjusting the text size and placement so that it guides the reader and underscores the quotes meaning. Judging from my critique, I’d say the project was not a huge success, but it certainly showed me what I need to work on.
Lesson Learned ART MARKET For my art market project, I give a personality to my face characters, Filthy Fiona and Caffeinated Carl. Caffeinated Carl is an angsty, over energized character. He represents the sort of eccentric part of me that never knows when to stop. Filthy Fiona is a celebration of what we as humans see as filthy. I took a more humorous with Filthy Fiona. She represents the part of us that has unconventional desires. I used a female character to push the message that it can be empowering to accept all parts of ourselves and that shame is unproductive. I purposely made Filthy Fiona look grotesque and crazy, make her an “unattractive” female character. Fiona is letting go of all societal expectations, including keeping up appearances. She’s drooling or frothing at the mouth for what is in her hand, feces. I’ve looked at my own sexuality with a lot of shame, so while the characters come from a serious part of myself, I want to give them a humorous and hopeful spin. In the end, the product didn’t sell well. Staying up till 6am two night in a row does not always make a successful outcome. However, quality is one variable I was able to take out when I assessed why my product might not have sold well. I asked myself if it’s not the quality, then why didn’t my plushies sell? I thought about the product itself. A plushy is supposed to be similar to a pillow or stuffed animal, soft and comforting, so the imagery should match this somewhat. As much as I love Caffeinated Carl and Filthy Fiona, they aren’t necessarily the faces that will sooth you after a scary movie, hard work day, or difficult break up. Then I ask myself, if they are characters, then they must be closer to stuffed toys. Stuffed toys are usually for children and I actually think children would love these faces, BUT parents are the ones buying the toys. I could imagine even myself giving it a second thought before buying my child (who may be afraid of the dark) the poop addicted Fiona. Overall, a valuable lesson learned.
SKETCHBOOK The sketchbooks were just a really great place for me to do whatever I want and test out styles, execute loosely. There is no pressure to create something original, smart, or even beautiful. That is the point of a sketchbook that I really take to heart. It is whatever you want, but one thing it never has to be is finished. It’s a working idea, an observation sketch, a doodle, a nonsensical baring of the soul, but it is not done, so no pressure.
Borderline Where is the borderline? Between pain and pleasure Hovering over beauty But fixed to violence Caressing the edge Dragged by desire Ending in shame Sparked by… Sliding into… Fitted comfortably… In confusion Borderline is a series of illustrations about sexuality, and how personal one’s own desires can be. In many coming of age stories, sexuality is one way to gain self-discovery. Often there is confusion around this when one suddenly realizes their new found need for pleasure, love, and beauty, but also violence and shame. This series illustrates my perspective on how sex can be complicated and confusing, where one is often on the borderline between something natural and something obsessive. This project was a turning point for me in my use of color and storytelling through abstract imagery. It is one of those lucky moments when you start an assignment, hate what you are doing, then decide to do whatever you want (in my case, draw vaginas and erotic women) and the end result is even better than you anticipated. This. Is. Rare. I have tried this again in future assignments (i.e. pattern) and it doesn’t always work, but when it does work, it’s gold.
The Burn Out SILLY CITY I poured myself entirely into this project. Initially it was a struggle because, I didn’t really understand what the project was. It was a timeline, reference sheets, worksheets, and an illustrated lesson plan. The size of the project was overwhelming, but I tried to approach it as an exploration. I can’t say that this proved to be a very successful approach. I first just really thought about HOW to draw buildings using the basic elements of art, line shape and color. I walked around Baltimore, looking at buildings and considering how I relate to the buildings as a pedestrian, what makes them interesting to me. In the end I realized, the buildings are meaningful, in relation to other parts of the street, people, pets, plants, and everything that comes with a more urban landscape. I can’t say that all this thinking really went into the creation of a lively neighborhood. I found myself bouncing around from one assignment to another, focusing on making a better teaching tool. I ended up trying to illustrate too much. The end result I’m proud of, but I definitely learned what NOT to do when tacking a project of this size.
Letting Go ANIMATION Animating with sand ended up being extremely fun and liberating. Because sand is a completely foreign medium to me and because my partner, Shruti ended up having a similar approach to collaboration, embracing every outcome. I didn’t think too hard about this project and focused more on smooth collaboration.
Having a teaching background and years of ice breaker experience, I have some sense of how to work with others, which is to let go of attachment of the outcome. The story in the end was humorous, light, and sort of random. If you’re afraid of animation, I’d recommend sand, because it destroys any semblance of control you think you have.
Handlettering “What a stroke of luck!”, is what I thought when I had my hand lettering critique. I began with an interest in vintage tattoo art and assessed how I could make each letter into a tattoo pictogram. The drawing of it was very enjoyable because I could use ink, at a time when Kim was pushing me to use more color. My line work was noticeably stronger to me at this point. The stroke of luck I speak of comes when I speak to one of my classmates, Hayley, about how to execute or display the lettering. It being an alphabet of tattoos (relating to sailors), she suggested I put my alphabet on a very buff sailor back. Why not? I think. I’m very open to suggestions and I’d like to see how this could look. The outcome is dramatic and one I anticipate going either way in the critique. But it ends up going well, which I am thankful for. At this time during the second semester, I am feeling a bit lost in my direction. I recall a moment in my life when a mentor of mine says, “The best way to find your voice is to make bad art”. In response to that, “Then I must be on the right track”.
Too Much At Once PATTERN This is a classic case of trying to do too much at once. I was so impressed by our guest artist, Katie, her thorough research and incorporation of personal content in her patterns. I would have never known so much thoughtful work went into a single pattern. I wanted to do the same, so I chose the topic of empowered female sailors. The process of creating a pattern was entirely new to me and didn’t anticipate the type of imagery I’d need for my inventory. The end result felt sort of blocky and colorful in an unsophisticated way. In re-doing this project though, I came to actually like the process of making a pattern. Thank goodness.
Take Two PATTERN
BDSM/ Leaving My Safe Space SELF DIRECTED Self-directed began with a lot of pressure. I wanted very much for this project to be the culmination of the year I had. It was a tough, but also surprising. The process of looking at myself made me feel deeply and made life feel real, not just like an artifice one projects. However, the pressure, unsurprisingly did not help. I unexpectedly discovered a topic of interest to create myself directed project from, BDSM. I tackled this topic like a journalist. I went to a BDSM workshop, KINK 101 and observed this world like an explorer, conducting interviews and being a perceptive, nonjudgmental observer. After writing a paper about the event, I realized I didn’t know how to illustrate the text. In the first phase, I just started painting, fell back on my intuition and the surrealist style I was developing.
Change of Heart STORYBOARD The imagery was satisfying and is something I will return to, but I wanted to push myself to tell a complete story. I began creating different story boards, the first story board being a fun, but more literal representation of the experience, the second being very abstract and wordless. The third and one shown in this book, is in-between, not too literal but not too abstract. Prior to the third storyboard, I thought about what the BDSM event meant to me. The novelty of it had sort of worn off, and I could see more clearly that this way of life just wasn’t for me, so why did I do in the first place. Why did I need to do this? Perhaps I just needed to go too far in order to my interest, values, and limits. I try to represent this in my storyboard, this act of leaving one’s safe space and realizing it isn’t quite what one expects.
Just Finish The story board ends up being raw and haphazard. I am not completely satisfied with it, nor do I really understand what I’m trying to say. But I just continue, creating two full color illustrations. Surprisingly, this is the one time, using color is a relief.
CONCLUSION What does it mean to make something authentic? Does it even matter in the case of art? Who am I really helping? I can’t say that at the end of all this, I’ve come to a clear conclusion about my work or my voice. I do have a greater understanding as a creator and of the possibilities of art. My world is a little bigger. Scratch that, there is some life lessons I’ve come to, that vulnerability, in one’s art or in life, is a great way to learn. It is an unpredictable teacher, and although the outcome can be acute pain, it can also be a way to reach greater understanding. It can be the soil from which empathy grows, for oneself and others. Vulnerability levels the playing field and it allowed me to see, not quite clearly, but see and understand my struggle as well as the struggle of others. If my first year was this hard, it must have been pretty helpful.