michele@micheleomara.com 52 Strategies for a Better Relationship By Michele O'Mara | LCSW
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Published by: Michele O’Mara, LCSW USA http:www.micheleomara.com Michele@MicheleOMara.com Copyright, 2012
OBLIGATORY LEGAL NOTICE: While all attempts have been made to verify information provided in this publication, neither the Author nor the Publisher assumes any responsibility for errors, omissions, or contrary interpretation of the subject matter herein. This is an informational product and is not intended to replace counseling or professional support when needed. The reader of this publication assumes responsibility for the use of these materials and information. Publisher reserves the right to make changes. The Author and Publisher assume no responsibility or liability on the behalf of any reader of these materials. _________________________________________________________________________________________ Relationship Coaching Available by Skype - Wherever You Are! micheleomara.com for info -2-
ONE | Accept Yourself OUTstanding couples realize that their relationship must take priority over the discomfort of potential rejection, social disapproval or parental disappointment. Every choice you make to discount your relationship chips away at the integrity of your connection, one piece at a time.
You cannot be comfortable in a gay
relationship if you are not comfortable in your gay skin. If you don't accept yourself, and you don’t accept your attractions to members of the same-sex, then you are at high risk of eventually rejecting the one you love because he or she represents what you are not able to accept about yourself! We cannot build love on fear and self-loathing. Love and fear are opposites. To love requires vulnerability, openness, and great risk. In fear we close ourselves to possibility, we look beyond what is and we focus on what we worry will be. Love occurs in the now, in the “what is” of life; fear occurs in the “will be” – the future, the not yet. Little steps toward self-acceptance: 1. Find safe people to be open and honest with about who you are and who you love. 2. Once you have a core group of accepting people with whom you can be open and honest, begin to take risks sharing with other people. 3. Only speak the truth, even if your truth is to say “I’m not comfortable answering that question,” or “I’m not ready to have that conversation,” when asked about your love life or sexual orientation. 4. Keep reading.
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TWO | Invest Wisely Invest Yourself Wisely. You are the single greatest resource you will ever have. As the sole manager of the resource called “me,� you are in charge of how you use yourself in this life.
The decision to join lives with another is the single greatest investment you can make with your life.
You invest yourself in a variety of
ways. Though you are not in control of all of the variables in your life, you do have choice about how you respond to what you experience, and how you proactively choose to invest yourself. The investment you make when you choose a life mate, a partner, spouse, lover, or significant other is an investment that affects every aspect of your life.
If you struggle to find meaning in your life, you will be disappointed when you do not find it in your relationship. This is because your relationship is an investment you make with your life to further you toward your highest good - your best self. Your relationship is not an end in and of itself. Your relationship is a means to an end that is shared by another who is ideally headed in the same direction. In relationships, you have the opportunity to invest yourselves intellectually, spiritually, socially, emotionally, and physically. This opportunity is different than any other investment. It encompasses every aspect of who you are and what you are about. If you invest yourselves in a relationship that does not support the vision you have for your own life, then you are making a poor investment. Likewise, if you invest your life with someone who has a vision for his life that you are unable to support, you are also making a poor investment. How you choose to invest yourself (your life), and how you manage the investment of your own life in a relationship with another directly affects the quality of your relationship, and the satisfaction you will experience in life. Are you investing yourself well?
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THREE | Commitment Once you decide with whom you are going to share your life, make a conscious, intentional commitment that details your agreements and your vision for your relationship. A commitment is a statement of intention. When you commit, you are holding yourself accountable to your word, your hopes, and your dreams. For many gay and lesbian couples there is no stated commitment, goal, or purpose described for their relationship. Each decision that is made between same-sex couples requires intention and consciousness. Should you live together? Should you combine your money? It is not assumed that you will. There are no assumptions that you will proceed with your relationship in any particular way. In many ways that is a liberating place to be. Without intentional planning and commitments, though, this can be overwhelming and confusing and a roadmap for how to partner would sure be helpful. When do you move in together? Who do you tell? Do you pursue parenthood? How? Do you have a commitment ceremony or go to Canada to get married? Who do you invite? Will they throw you a shower or send you anniversary cards? Do you take your partner home for Christmas, or do you go home at all if he is not welcome there? Nothing is automatic. Each decision, even if made easily, is a conscious decision. Heterosexuals tend to date, get engaged, and then marry. It is a well-established tradition and has created an unconscious roadmap for most heterosexuals. This tradition is one that few heterosexuals question or consciously decide upon - it is simply a given. The threads of marriage weave in and out of every aspect of our culture. This unearned privilege, however, is not one shared by gay couples. You are on your own to craft your own relationship. The more thought and intention you put into this, the more rewarding your relationship will be. Another advantage of the heterosexual model of relationships is that our culture, including institutions, families and friends, has an understood language for interacting with married couples. It is considered odd if heterosexual couples spend the holidays apart. It is unacceptable for the in-laws to not include the new spouse in invitations and social _________________________________________________________________________________________ Relationship Coaching Available by Skype - Wherever You Are! micheleomara.com for info -5-
engagements, and it is assumed that the couple will vacation together, sleep in the same bedroom, get just one hotel room when traveling, share expenses, consider parenthood, live together, and the list goes on and on and on. When you have a formal commitment (which is still an option even if it is not legal in your state), you are communicating to your loved ones (whether they attend or not), how to view your relationship. It is no longer a mystery to them, and they are gifted with the language that you give them – “we are getting married,” or “we are having a commitment ceremony.” It can be difficult for loved ones to know how to treat your relationship if you haven’t’ given them the information to know how to! Take responsibility for communicating to the world that you are a couple, and what that means for the two of you.
FOUR | Close the Exits A commitment requires that you close your exits, eliminating people, places, things, and activities that give you an escape from fully being in a relationship. This may include: setting clearer boundaries with your families of origin, so that your new partnership is the priority. Or this could involve dealing with your addictions to food, drugs/alcohol, sex, and work. Or this could mean ceasing involvement in friendships with people that distract and tempt you from your partner. If your goal is to nurture a meaningful partnership, where your relationship is the hub of your life – offering you safety, acceptance, support and encouragement, then you must treat your relationship with the respect and care that you want in return.
FIVE | Aspire*Inspire Aspire and Inspire Only the Best. When you aspire to be your best, and you inspire your partner to be his or her best, the two of you have achieved the most important function of a relationship.
The single greatest reason to partner with someone
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is to better your life. By aspiring to your personal best, and supporting your partner to do the same, you are able to strengthen not only your individual selves, but your relationship. Your relationship is only as healthy as those in it. Therefore, the easiest, quickest route to a healthier relationship is ALWAYS (and this is without fail), to become healthier yourself, while genuinely encouraging the greatest health and well-being of your partner. You cannot go wrong with this.
SIX | Reminisce Reminisce Frequently. Though it is rare for a couple to ever be able to recreate the exact combination of energy, passion, time commitment, priority and excitement that was experienced in the start of their relationship, you can re-experience the passionate feelings by talking about it. The reason it is difficult to ever recreate the start of your relationship is because when you first fall in love or infatuation, your body chemistry literally changes with the influx of feel good chemicals like dopamine, norepinephrine, causing all of your senses to be heightened (taste, touch, sight, smell, sound) and your energy to increase as well as a dramatic improvement in your mood. To help you begin your reminiscing, here are some helpful sentence starters:
One of my favorite memories is…
I felt so when you…
I loved that…
I love thinking about that because…
These are just a few helpful starts down memory lane for you. Take the walk - it's a wonderful thing to reminisce about all of the fun, sexy, loving, playful, exciting, interesting, and memorable times you have created in your life together.
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SEVEN | Learn Knowing how to be in a healthy relationship is not genetically coded data in your brain. You can save yourself a lot of struggle and strife by simply learning what is natural and healthy in relationship development and what is not. While there is a lot to learn about relationships, it is very helpful to understand the three key stages of relationship so that you can normalize your experience as you travel through these stages. Though there are several different perspectives on relationship development, they all follow a similar path. The three stages I am sharing are those developed by Harville Hendrix in his bestselling book, Getting the Love You Want.
Stage I • Romantic Stage We all know and love this stage - this is the part of your relationship where you feel passionately attracted to your newfound love. It is during this time that you are likely to spend every minute thinking about her and longing to be near her. You are also chemically assisted in this phase of relationship development, (if you want to know more about this just read the fascinating book by Helen Fisher titled, Why
We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love). Because of these chemicals, you often have more energy and can operate on much less sleep than usual. Your senses are alive and heightened so that everything tastes better, feels better, smells better, sounds better and as a result, is better. I bet if you sit for a minute you can remember foods, songs, scents and even visuals of times in your life when you were falling in love (whether you still nurture that particular love or not). The entire purpose of this stage is to bring two people together for the purpose of committing. Your natural body chemistry responds to your attractions by flooding you with feel-good chemicals, long enough for you to decide that committing is a good idea! _________________________________________________________________________________________ Relationship Coaching Available by Skype - Wherever You Are! micheleomara.com for info -8-
Stage II • Power Struggle After the chemically-assisted process of romantic love does its job and you have made a commitment, you are typically rocketed into the next stage, seemingly without warning, which is the power struggle. The second stage of relationship development is designed to help both partners find your selves again after
the romantic stage simmers down a bit. Often it is the time in a relationship just after both of you feel more secure in your commitment (maybe you've moved in together, agreed to have a ceremony, commingled your finances) and your relationship, and you come out of the chemically assisted-love-fog, only to realize you have spent so much time thinking about, spending time with, and focused on your new love that you have neglected some key responsibilities in your life. It's time to clean the house, mow the lawn, pay bills, get some groceries, call your friends that have been leaving message after message, visit your family, catch-up on lost time at work, and generally get your life back in order. Falling in love is a lot like going on vacation from everything without actually leaving. There's a lot to be done when you get back to reality!
Stage III • Real Love When you arrive at a place in your relationship where you look at one another with respect and admiration without the need to change this or that about your partner; when
you really accept who he is, inside and
out, without judgment; and you feel like he is doing the same, then you have arrived at the most amazing place ever, called real love. Real love is about helping your partner become the best version of himself while accepting, loving, supporting, and celebrating who he is along the way. Many couples never reach this _________________________________________________________________________________________ Relationship Coaching Available by Skype - Wherever You Are! micheleomara.com for info -9-
stage – years together will not get you here – it’s the way you nurture both yourself and your relationship that will bring you to this stage.
EIGHT | Unsolvable? Recognize Unsolvable Problems. Well-known relationship researcher John Gottman, author of The Relationship Cure among other books, suggests that 69% of
all
relationship conflicts are irresolvable . The difference between couples who succeed and those who don't is their ability to accept these differences without consistently butting heads. My partner loves antiques, an eclectic and busy sort of style of decoration, whereas I enjoy contemporary, clean lines, and a less cluttered style. This is not resolvable. We are who we are. We can either butt heads for an eternity, or accept our differences and find a middle-ground that works for us. This phrase comes in handy at times of disagreement:
“Would you rather be
right, or be in love?”
NINE | Receive Love It is surprisingly difficult to receive love. How comfortable are you with compliments? Do you like receiving gifts from others or does it stress you out? Are you able to let a friend buy you a cup of coffee or treat you to lunch? All of these things offer insight to your ability to receive love. In order to receive love we must allow ourselves to be vulnerable to the sweetness of others. We must see the goodness in them, to receive it in us. In some cases you may not be able to receive love because of messages you received from important people in your life. Perhaps you were neglected, abused or otherwise _________________________________________________________________________________________ Relationship Coaching Available by Skype - Wherever You Are! micheleomara.com for info -10-
mistreated as a child - and left with the feeling that you must be unlovable. Or maybe you realized early in life that you are gay and as you grew older you picked up messages everywhere you turned that being gay is bad and wrong. Many gay men and lesbians have internalized the messages that are prevalent in our culture that being gay is "bad," "wrong," and that as a result you are broken, sinful or unworthy. When you buy into this thinking, you prevent yourself from receiving love. Another major obstacle with receiving love is the fear of losing it. Perhaps this fear is in place because you have a history of feeling unloved, rejected, or having had experiences with getting your heart broken. If you have difficulty receiving your partner's love you are rejecting the greatest gift she has to give. It is your responsibility to develop the receptors so that you can have a mutual exchange of love in your relationship. Ways to begin that process may include reading selfhelp books, deepening your spiritual connections, journal writing, talking with friends about your feelings, or seeking the guidance of a professional. If you have difficulty trusting or believing you are loveable you must begin putting energy into healing these wounds before you can expect to feel loved by a partner.
It is
not your partner's job to convince you that you are loveable. It is up to you to develop self-love. When you do, your partner's gifts can flow freely and you can experience OUTstanding love.
TEN | Grow Respond to Your Partner's Feedback. Oh how I wish I had a dollar for every partner I have heard say to the other, "You knew I was this way when we got together." Here's the deal.
Committing to a relationship is not an agreement to stop
growing.
OUTstanding couples realize that each partner is expected to continue
developing as a human being and improving as a partner. _________________________________________________________________________________________ Relationship Coaching Available by Skype - Wherever You Are! micheleomara.com for info -11-
Securing a relationship is not an invitation to stop growing. In fact, you might find yourself kicked to the curb if you are more attached to remaining the same than you are attached to becoming the best version of yourself possible. When you fall in love, you fall in love with both the person you see in the here and now, as well as the vision you have for who that person will become. You are making an investment in your future - and
good
investments grow. How you grow in the context of your relationship is affected by two key ingredients. The first key to personal growth stems from the personal observations, insights, lessons, experiences you have, and the work that you do to grow yourself. This might occur through intentional efforts such as completing a degree, advancing your career, staying physically fit, and learning new hobbies, engaging in personal growth activities such as reading, journaling, or therapy. The choices you have to enhance your life are endless! The second key to personal growth in the context of your relationship is through the observations, insights, lessons, experiences and the work that your partner does to grow herself. Often, your partner will observe in you characteristics that you are not comfortable with. You may reject his observations and actually accuse him of being mean or insensitive. If you do reject your partner’s observations and feedback you are rejecting one of the most valuable gifts your relationship has to offer you.
Your partner has the capacity to see you in ways that no one else can.
Because of this front-row view into your life, your partner is able to mirror for you,
parts of yourself that you do not always want to be seen. You may hear complaints such as: “you are too generous,”” you work too much,” “you need to stop drinking so much,” “you are sleeping too much,” but in reality, these observations are invitations to improve your life. These invitations to grow don’t always come in nice envelopes. Sometimes they are wrapped in emotions such as anger, frustration, and disappointment. If the delivery of this feedback is insensitive, it can be hurtful. Though the facts usually remain - that there are areas of your life that are in dire need of improvement. You can resist out of spite, hurt, or anger; or you can grab a hold of this gift, the gift of honest feedback, and use it to improve your life. _________________________________________________________________________________________ Relationship Coaching Available by Skype - Wherever You Are! micheleomara.com for info -12-
The question I encourage you to ask yourself when your partner makes a request of you is this: “Will doing this add to, or take away from, my life?” If the answer is “add to,” then it seems like a win-win. What do you have to lose? If you are struggling with the concept of what "taking away" from you means, you can ask yourself question: “If I honor this request, and work to change in the ways my partner is asking me to, am I compromising a core value that defines who I am and what I am about?” This helps separate the things that you simply don't want to do (like clean the house or take out the trash) from things that take away from your core values or your core sense of self (such as asking you to change your religion to hers). Be sure to clarify the difference between something that doesn’t feel good to you, and something that is not good for you. If you justify not changing because it is no fun or you don't like to do something, then you are likely rejecting an important opportunity to become a better version of yourself!
ELEVEN | Show Respect Respect is a fundamental ingredient in all relationships. Respect is the ultimate form of gratitude. Respecting your partner at all times is an act of love and gratitude. Respect is honoring your partner at all times - not just when you feel good about him.
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TWELVE | Check-In I recommend that every couple set aside a minimum of thirty minutes each week to do what I call a "check-in." Though there is no "right" way to check-in, here are some guidelines to help you in the process:
Summarize your feelings about how you experienced the previous week. (For example, "I feel like we've had a great week and I feel really connected to you.")
Share your observations - both the good and the frustrating - about how things unfolded. For example, "I noticed that we were both taking more time to talk together and I think that really helped me feel more connected to you."
Communicate Your Insights about how you can this as information to continue improving your relationship. For example, "I think it would be a great idea for us to really commit to spending more time just talking because I really want to feel connected to you on a regular basis."
Your Partner’s Turn Now. Once you complete steps 1-3, then your partner shares her observations. Discuss any differences in your observations. This is simply a time where you literally observe how you are doing as a couple and what you like about how things are going and what you would like to see be different.
Helpful Guidelines: This time is NOT about 1) problem solving; 2) being defensive or sensitive; or 3) criticizing or attacking. This exercise is designed to create a much more conscious relationship by being as aware as possible about the influences on your connection with one another and your relationship happiness.
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THIRTEEN | Team Sport Relationships are a Team Sport. Just like any successful team, each player has to take extreme care of his self and develop his personal skills and ability so that he has something to contribute to the team. When you partner in life, you are teaming up with another person to achieve a very important goal. Your team's goal is simple: to help yourself, and your partner, become your best selves possible. When you decide to invest yourself with another in a shared, intangible entity called a relationship - both you and your partner are affected by the choices you each make.
FOURTEEN | Turn Toward John Gottman, relationship researcher, outlines three options when it comes to communicating with your partner. When your partner makes an attempt to communicate with you (either verbally or physically) you have three choices:
turn away from her (ignore, or pacify her with a response of indifference)
turn against her (actually express outright frustration or anger at her for the interruption or her need for your attention)
turn toward (acknowledge your partners attempt to connect with you - by either engaging them in the moment or affirming your interest and offering an alternate time when you will be more available to engage with her).
Which do you think will produce the best result? Yes, to Turn Toward!
Every time you choose to turn toward your partner you are saying to her, “You matter to me.”
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Even if you do not agree with what she is saying, or you are not in a good space to have the conversation she wants to have, you can still communicate that “you matter to me,” by acknowledging her attempt to be in communication with you – and this in turn teaches her to do the same for you. Be the partner you wish to have.
FIFTEEN | Know Know Your Partner. Most people literally spend more time consciously researching, exploring, identifying and learning about a car they are buying than they do in their mateselection process. How crazy is that? According to the US Department of Transportation, that the average life of a car is 12 years. How long do you think the average relationship is going to last if we put less time into learning about that than we do a vehicle? Once you are in a relationship, it's easy to let your curiosity wane. One of the ways to continually stay in touch with your partner is to stay current with the changes in her life. When she develops new interests, talk about those with her. When she is struggling with friends, family or coworkers, take time to understand how it is affecting the person she is and the person she is growing into. A fun way to keep the curiosity alive in your relationship is to pick up my book, Ask Me! 728 Questions for Heterosexual and Gay Couples. Keep a copy in the glove box of your car or your bed night stand so you can generate random conversations about numerous topics that you otherwise may never discuss.
SIXTEEN | Give Attention Give Your Attention. There is no more basic method of expressing love that I know of than simply giving someone your full attention. Your attention may simply be listening, spending time together, or holding your partner when he needs held. Or it _________________________________________________________________________________________ Relationship Coaching Available by Skype - Wherever You Are! micheleomara.com for info -16-
may involve calling to check on him when he is feeling sick, or asking him to talk about his feelings when he seems blue.
Giving someone your full attention is possibly the single greatest way to show someone you love them.
SEVENTEEN | Desire vs Criticism Behind every criticism is a desire.
When you have a critical thought
about your partner there is always a corresponding desire. For example, suppose your partner sleeps a lot. Your critical thought is likely, “You sleep too much.” Your desire, however, may be one of many things, such as, “I would like more help around the house,” or “I miss you when you are sleeping,” or “I feel shut out and unimportant when you sleep.” Which approach is likely to get a better response? The critical statement: “You sleep too much!” or a more direct communication of your feeling, need, or experience? Right, the direct communication is always the best bet! If you do one thing different in your relationship starting today, I encourage you to shift your entire perspective about how you see your partner. If you find yourself having critical thoughts and feelings about her on a regular basis it is time to turn those criticisms into curiosities. Criticisms are toxic, negative, hostile thoughts and expressions that lead to anger, resentment and frustration for both parties. Let me ask you this. Are you more likely to stop taking naps if A) your partner belittles and criticizes you or, B) if your partner expresses heartfelt concern for your behavior and its affect on your partner and your relationship? I don't know about you, but I'll take curiosity over criticism any day! Try it, it works!
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EIGHTEEN | Be Loving In order to feel love, you must be loving. Think about the start of your relationship and how you were driven to express your love. Perhaps you wrote notes and emails, sent flowers, called, left voice messages or text messages, you left gifts and surprises or arranged special outings. It is by expressing our love, and by being loving, that we actually experience love. Love is an ever-changing resource that encourages our growth and our healing, and it is both a motivation and a reward for the expression of our care and concern about others. In a committed relationship love must be nurtured through action. For love to sustain and grow, it must be treated as a verb, not a noun. Love is a constantly changing emotion that has the capacity to expand and contract in accordance with the rhythms of our life and our actions.
NINETEEN | Love All Lose the Scoreboard. In OUTstanding relationships you give because you recognize that giving in relationships is = to receiving in relationships. When you load up your gifts with hidden expectations both you and your partner are in for a disappointing outcome. For example, do not surprise your partner with a romantic candlelight dinner because you want to get her in the mood to make love. Do it because you want to nurture your partner and treat her to a delicious, romantic meal - no strings attached. If by chance your evening moves you to a more physically intimate place, enjoy it - don't expect it.
Mean what you give, and give what you mean.
If you give dinner,
mean dinner. If what you really mean is an invitation to be sexual - give an invitation to be sexual, and don’t disguise it as dinner. And when you give, don’t keep score. Give because you want to give, not because you want to add points to your side of the scoreboard. _________________________________________________________________________________________ Relationship Coaching Available by Skype - Wherever You Are! micheleomara.com for info -18-
When you nurture your relationship, you nurture yourself. We ARE fifty-percent of our relationship.
You cannot add to your relationship without also adding to yourself.
What a great investment - one that always gives back. If you find yourself always giving, ask yourself if you are giving to your relationship (that which also gives to yourself) or if you are giving to your partner? If you are focused on your partner and adding to his life, it is possible that you might be adding to his while taking away from you. If for example you are doing more for your partner than your partner does for himself, that is not “adding to his life,” that is enabling him to not become his highest version of himself.
When you take care of your relationship, you both will always win.
You cannot take care of each other - each of you has to take care of yourself (just as
players on a team can’t work out for each other, each has to strengthen his skills himself).
What you can do, and must do, is take care of the relationship. The relationship is your shared resource. It is the investment that offers you dividends and keeps on giving back to you if you keep giving to your relationship.
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TWENTY | Be Influenced Let your partner influence you. One of the greatest gifts associated with having an OUTstanding relationship is the gift of partner influence. For those of you sensitive to being "controlled" I want you to listen closely to what I'm saying, turn off your filter and be sure that you get the difference between influence and control. When you partner with someone, typically you do so because you have respect, value, admiration, appreciation, and belief in the person with whom you choose to spend your life. If that is not true for you, then you may need to revisit your motivations for your partnership, and get honest with yourself about whether or not you have made a good choice for yourself. Remember, you partner to improve your life. If your investment in a relationship does not improve your life, then what purpose does it serve? By partnering you are positioning your life in such a way that you have an expanded resource (your relationship) on which to draw from and assist you in becoming the very best version of yourself. If you have indeed partnered with someone you respect and value, then it only makes sense that their thoughts, opinions, beliefs and suggestions may be worth listening to. Outstanding couples respond to one another in ways that consistently communicate to the other, "What you think and how you feel about things matters to me, and I value you and your opinions, even when I disagree." OUTstanding couples do not have to agree on everything, but they do have to respect and value one another's opinions, and allow their partner to influence their decisions in life.
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TWENTY-ONE | The Outcome Focus on the outcome, not your ego. In one of my Couples Weekend workshops, I had a couple share with me that when they found themselves in battle over something small, one of them would interrupt the argument with the question: “Would you rather be right, or in love?” There are a million-and-one ways to achieve the same outcome. How you clean the house, for example, might be very different than how your partner cleans the house. Maybe you like to do it all at once. Perhaps your partner takes it a day at a time, bathrooms one day, dusting the next, windows the day after that, etc. until the cycle starts again. Is one way the right way? If you think so, think again. Whenever two people from entirely different backgrounds, with very different life histories and experiences partner and hold tightly to THEIR WAY, you can bet there's going to be a struggle. When the focus remains on the outcome and not our ego - or how we want things, we are able to achieve far more in life and love.
TWENTY-TWO | Same Side OUTstanding couples always remain on the same side of the court. A lifetime partnership with your mate is an agreement to team-up in life, together, to improve your odds at achieving your respective life goals and comfortably living a fulfilling and happy life. Outstanding couples do what is best for the relationship (the team) regardless of what is “fair” or whose turn it is. If you were playing a game of ping pong, you would not refuse to return the ball because the last three that crossed the net came to you instead of your teammate, would you? No. You do the next right thing for the relationship with the belief that in the end you will benefit from your investment in your relationship. _________________________________________________________________________________________ Relationship Coaching Available by Skype - Wherever You Are! micheleomara.com for info -21-
TWENTY-THREE | Choose Love Love is a choice. For gay men and women the word choice is loaded, so let me clarify that in this context I am not referring to the concept that we have choice about to whom you are attracted, rather you have a choice about how and if you nurture that attraction once it presents itself. A commitment is a choice. The choice does not stop with the commitment. The commitment is the foundation for all of the choices that you continue to make each day. Every day you have choice about love and how you communicate your love for your partner. To love is a decision, a choice. Just as it becomes your choice to decide to not love. Remember this, when, in the midst of your long-term relationship, you unexpectedly find the new girl at work who is flirting with you every day quite attractive. When you entertain thoughts of starting fresh, and flirting back, know that these are choices you make. An affair is not an accident. Infidelity is a choice. The decisions you make to be faithful are rooted in the same ability you have to make the decision to be unfaithful. Choose the behaviors that support the person you want to be, and the relationship you want to have.
TWENTY-FOUR | Best Interpretations Your thoughts are what give meaning to the experiences you have in life. How you view any given situation will determine the feelings you have about it.
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“A shoe factory sends two marketing scouts to a region of Africa to study the prospects for expanding business. One sends back a telegram saying, SITUATION HOPELESS STOP NO ONE WEARS SHOES ~ The other writes back triumphantly, GLORIOUS BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY STOP THEY HAVE NO SHOES.”
Benjamin Zander and Rosamund Stone Zander The Art of Possibility
You are in complete control of how you interpret your life experiences. You are not, however, always in charge of the circumstances that life presents you. What you have control over is the meaning you give them, and how your respond. OUTstanding couples develop the ability to give the very best meaning possible to the situations they encounter in their life and their relationship. For example, when your partner is late coming home from work, you have the option to view that situation in many different ways. Through a lens of fear you might think that she has been in an accident. Through the lens of insecurity you might think she is being unfaithful. Through the lens of anger you may think sheís being disrespectful. Through the lens of love you may think that there are numerous reasons for her running late, none of which have to do with her love for you. Given the choice, which thought will lead to the most peaceful outcome? Creating the best meaning possible for the events in our life does not mean that you ignore facts and naively pretend that all is well when it is not. Interpreting the best meaning possible requires honesty and openness. If your partner is late from work every night and it is getting to be a pattern, then you have to work within the framework of the facts. These facts may suggest that your partner has poor discipline when it comes to managing time, or she is unaware of the impact her tardiness is having on you and your relationship. The point is to not create negative meanings in the absence of facts. If all of the data before you leads you to a conclusion that you don’t want to see, it is important to see it anyway!
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TWENTY-FIVE | A Compliment a Day Do you ever tire of hearing "You look great, baby," Or, "Good job, I'm so proud of you!" And, "What a great dinner - thanks for cooking." And, "I couldn't have picked better partner in the entire world." I don't. Compliments are free and easy. Share at least one a day with your partner. A compliment a day keeps the therapist away.
TWENTY-SIX | Say Thank You Though you may have agreed that it's your job to clean the house and your partner's job is to mow the lawn, that doesn't mean you can't be grateful when he does his job. Always say thank you. Every time your partner exercises an act of love, be it big or small, it is important to acknowledge and express gratitude for that love. Every behavior, action or contribution either partner makes to the relationship deserves recognition and appreciation. Have you said “thank you� to your partner lately?
TWENTY-SEVEN | "How am I like that?" When you find yourself irritated with a characteristic in your partner, or anyone for that matter, stop and examine how that characteristic affects you. Ask yourself, "How am I like that?" The answer may not come easily and you may have to sit with it for a long while. In fact, the frustration, hurt or irritation you experience by observing this in another may _________________________________________________________________________________________ Relationship Coaching Available by Skype - Wherever You Are! micheleomara.com for info -24-
actually prevent you from opening up to the possibility that you are somehow like that. When you find yourself in judgment of another, particularly your partner, it is important to really challenge yourself to see what it is about that judgment that resonates with you. Sometimes it is not obvious. For example, if you grew up in a house where there was a lot of anger - you may have decided to not be an angry person yourself. So as you go through life, holding in your anger, refusing to raise your voice or express your frustrations, you may find yourself very uncomfortable in the presence of others who do express anger. In this case, when you ask yourself, "How am I like that?" it is not that you express anger in the same way, it is that you both struggle with anger. You struggle to express it; the other person struggles to manage it. Identifying how you are like that is another great way to learn about yourself, to become the highest version of yourself.
TWENTY-EIGHT | Terms of Endearment I'm sure you've heard them all and then some, “honey," "pumpkin," "love," "sweetie," as well as many others. Hopefully you use some of them. Of course in mixed company, unhappy couples may find these terms of endearment annoying, but don't let that stop you. Two things happen when you refer to your partner with affectionate names one, when used genuinely, terms of endearment foster and express fondness for one another. Doing so every day is simply an easy way to add lots of warm fuzzies to your relationship. Two, terms of endearment create a safe environment where each partner feels nurtured and comforted, just as children do when you speak lovingly to them.
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TWENTY-NINE | Create Fun Don't wait for fun to find you. Think about fun things to do. This comes naturally when you are courting, but once you commit, you get a little lazy in the old fun department. You go to work, come home, eat dinner, watch TV or work some more, feed the dog and go to bed. No fun there. Create fun on a regular basis. Make a fun-list. Take turns trying new things from your list of fun.
THIRTY | Address all Conflicts Un-addressed conflicts NEVER GO AWAY. They fester and fester, going from a frustration to anger to resentment. Trust me, given the choice, you would much rather deal with a frustration, than with anger, or with anger than resentment. Not dealing with conflicts is like not paying the balance on a 21% interest rate credit card. Not paying it won't make the balance go down, and in fact you will experience a higher debt next month, along with a late fee. Deal with conflict today.
THIRTY-ONE | 30 minutes a day If communication is difficult for you, focus on three things: 1) What you did during the day; 2) What you thought during the day; 3) What you felt during the day. If you are unable to come up with 15 minutes of sharing (15 minute for each partner is a total of 30 minutes) then you are likely not tuned into your own thoughts and feelings. You may need to do some journaling or self-examination to help you raise your personal awareness and ability to be conscious of your thoughts and feelings. _________________________________________________________________________________________ Relationship Coaching Available by Skype - Wherever You Are! micheleomara.com for info -26-
THIRTY-TWO | Tell the Truth Your relationship is the sum of what both you and your partner deposit in it. If you fill it with lies, your relationship becomes a lie. If you fill it with the truth, at least your understanding of truth, then it is based on reality. Occasionally I meet couples where one partner describes himself as "just telling the truth" when it appears what is actually going on is that the partner has taken observations, feelings or thoughts and delivered them in such a way that the "truth" is being used as a hurtful weapon because of the way it is delivered. Be sure that the delivery of your truth is respectful and kind, rather than blunt and abrasive. How you communicate is also a part of our message - not just the words you speak.
THIRTY-THREE | Live Your Truth In order to achieve real intimacy you must be known. To be known, you must be true. OUTstanding couples are willing to reveal themselves, their true selves to one another. If you present yourself as other than you truly are, then you can expect a relationship that is built on that same facade. You cannot build a strong foundation on anything less than what is real and true. If you were to build a house you could not do so on block-shaped foam that is painted to look exactly like concrete blocks. Eventually the foam will falter under the pressure that is placed on them.
The first responsibility you have to your relationship is to be true to yourself.
All you have to offer is who you are. If you are not that,
then your offerings are empty, meaningless. You must protect your truest self above all else. Without yourself, you have nothing. When you behave in ways that contradict that _________________________________________________________________________________________ Relationship Coaching Available by Skype - Wherever You Are! micheleomara.com for info -27-
which you believe, your values, morals and principles, you will eventually grow discontent and unhappy, even shame-filled. The ways in which you must be true to yourself start small, and grow from there. A client shared with me that years ago his boyfriend ordered a pizza that he didn’t like, but when he was asked, my client said he liked it. Ten years later he’s still eating the same pizza he didn’t like back then. If he isn’t speaking up about pizza, what are the chances he is speaking up about the more important things in life? ____ "Facing the truth requires that we retain an ongoing openness to the possibility that we may not be seeing ourselves - or others - accurately." ~Loehr & Schwartz (The power of Full Engagement) ____
THIRTY-FOUR | Present in Your Life In order to stay in touch with who you are, what you want, and where you want to go with your life you must remain present to your life.
Being Present means accepting the moment. ~ Lunden, Paul & Christensen
Staying present requires personal awareness to the people, places and things that surround us at any given moment. When you are present, you are able to experience the gifts of life. You live in the present tense. You dream in the future tense and you regret in the past tense.
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The art of staying present requires that you tend to each precious moment offered to you. Moments such as mine is in writing you now, and yours is in reading these words now - in this moment we are connecting and this is the moment that counts for now. In a minute, that moment will change and new gifts will be offered. Cherished and appreciate each moment for what it is. By staying present to each moment in time and the feelings you have about that moment you are better able to clarify what our next step needs to be.
THIRTY-FIVE
| Twist on Golden Rule
Do unto yourself as you would have others do Unto You. No, this is not a typo. Translation: treat yourself as well as you expect others to treat you. You literally teach others how to treat you by first showing them how you treat yourself. When you respect yourself, you are informing others, including your partner, that you are person to be respected. When you disrespect yourself you are establishing a precedent that suggests it is not necessary to respect you. Do you treat yourself as well as you want others to treat you?
THIRTY-SIX | Thoughts as Data Every relationship conflict starts with a thought. How you interpret the data in your life will determine how you feel. Earlier I talked about giving the events in your life the best possible meaning. Sometimes though, you generate thoughts that are not even triggered by specific events 単 they come out of the blue, or so it seems. And in these cases, _________________________________________________________________________________________ Relationship Coaching Available by Skype - Wherever You Are! micheleomara.com for info -29-
it is important to view our thoughts as data 単 as information, as just another resource from which to make decisions.
"The stream of thinking has enormous momentum that can easily drag you along with it. Every thought pretends that it matters so much. It wants to draw your attention in completely. " Eckhart Tolle | Stillness Speaks
THIRTY-SEVEN | Self-Care Eat right, exercise, and sleep well. These are the fundamental building blocks for a healthy life. Your physical body is symbolic of your emotional health. How you treat your body is an indication of how you feel about yourself. Remember that you are the resource that your partner has invested in. If you are not taking care of yourself, no one can do that for you.
THIRTY-EIGHT | Be Disciplined Happy people are disciplined people. The unhappiest people are those who do nothing, and find themselves in envy of those who do. Discipline requires keeping your _________________________________________________________________________________________ Relationship Coaching Available by Skype - Wherever You Are! micheleomara.com for info -30-
focus on what you need, not what you want. Being disciplined requires that you know what will add to your life, and knowing what will take away from your life. OUTstanding partners develop the ability to separate their wants from their needs and they consistently work to make the next right choice toward their highest good.
THIRTY-NINE | Clarify Wants & Needs Outstanding love insures that both partners are able to get their needs met, not their wants. You may want a Hummer to feel safe, but you don't need a Hummer to feel safe. You do need to know that your partner will not harm you, that you can count on her to do what she says she is going to do and be where she says she is going to be, when she says she'll be there. When you know the difference between what you want and what you need, you can focus on really getting your needs met. Everyone NEEDS to be able to meet their needs. In OUTstanding relationships, both partners know that it is never in question whether or not each partner will get their needs met, the question is simply, “how will we get our needs met?� Together OUTstanding Couples decide what needs to happen to affirm each partner and support one another in reaching their highest good.
FORTY | Take time to be alone Relationships make it easy to never be alone. Yet everyone needs alone time. Alone time gives you the opportunity for self-reflection. It is as essential that you continue to listen to your inner voice. You must be able to identify who you are, what you want, how you feel, where you are headed and how you want to get there in life. _________________________________________________________________________________________ Relationship Coaching Available by Skype - Wherever You Are! micheleomara.com for info -31-
Without a self; a mind of your own, feelings of your own, goals and dreams of your own, you have little of yourself to actually bring to a relationship. Remember, you are the resource. When you partner with someone, you are literally investing your life in a relationship that is also invested in by one other - your partner. Together you each have strengths and challenges which you deposit in your shared investment - the relationship and that is what comprises the sum of what you have to draw from in your relationship as you move through life as a couple.
FORTY-ONE | Shared Decisions When you team up with a partner in life, every decision that you make now affects not only you, but your partner as well. Sharing decision making is crucial if you are going to move forward in the same direction, together. Sometimes sharing the decision making process includes deciding together who is going or make certain decisions for the couple or the family. For example, often times there are partners who couple up and each has a different set of strengths and skills. If one partner is an artist and the other is an accountant, the partners may agree that the accountant in the relationship will take charge of making decisions around the investments that are made with the couples financial resources. The artist, on the other hand, may be given full reign over the decoration of the house. Sometimes both partners want to be involved in all decisions that affect the couple. The key to successful shared decision making involves very intentional communication around the topic of who is going to be deciding what. Each partner to a relationship must feel at all times as though he or she is able to influence the direction of his or her own life and that the decisions that are being made are decisions that he or she willingly consents to.
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FORTY-TWO | Issues & Opportunities When conflicts arise in your relationship you have the choice to view them as threats or opportunities. When you view conflicts and issues as threats you are likely to respond defensively - and when you are in a defensive mode you think and react more like an animal. Animals respond according to instinct, not logic or analytical thought. When you respond instinctively like an animal does, your skill set is limited to fight, flight, freeze, attack, submit or play dead. As you can see there is not a lot of flexibility in this set of coping responses. When you view a conflict as an opportunity, you are responding from the highest functioning part of your brain that is able to reason, analyze, negotiate, and problem-solve not just react. Every conflict you face in the context of your relationship holds golden information for you to grow. It is always conflict, tension, frustration or discontent that precedes growth. Think about growing your muscles for example. You literally stress your muscles to the point of tearing them, and in the process of healing, the muscles grow stronger. Though it is never good to stay in a chronic state of discontent or frustration, it is very important to welcome the conflicts that do arise in your relationships as another opportunity to grow into the best version of yourself.
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FORTY-THREE | Ask Most of us do not come equipped with extra sensory perception (ESP). If you find yourself waiting for your partner to "get you" and to understand what you need without telling him, then you are 100% responsible for those needs going unmet. There is a dangerous myth going around that has people believing that “If he really loved me, he would know to _____. “ The myth of this test (the test being that you can tell if your partner really loves you if he knows what you want without your telling him!) is the source of many conflicts and a whole lot of disappointment in relationships. Wouldn’t it be easier to just state clearly and directly exactly what you want and need? Hurdle number two that goes along with this, however, is that love does not always mean getting what you want. It does, however, mean getting what you need!
FORTY-FOUR | Share Meals Sometimes the simplest things make the biggest difference. The ritual of sitting at a table, facing one another, and sharing a meal is a wonderfully simple way to incorporate a shared purpose (fueling your bodies so you are strong and healthy), while connecting and sharing meaning (through conversation and time together), and enjoyment (the pleasure of a meal together.)
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FORTY-FIVE | Share Passions Passion is contagious. Whether or not you share the same interests as your partner does not matter. What does matter is that you share their passion. If gardening is your partnerĂs passion and not yours, then walk with him all around the house, looking at every tree, shrub, plant, flower and piece of bark that he is excited about. Share his excitement Ăą whether or not you share his interest!
FORTY-SIX | Prioritize In our society it is more socially acceptable and at times encouraged - to put most anything else above our same-sex relationships. Working long hours, spending time with family, friends, hobbies, and just about everything else is prized more highly than prioritizing a same-sex relationship. With the endorsement of a society that seems to support the message that just about anything you want to do is more valuable than engaging with your same-sex partner, it is no wonder you might struggle to know how to be successful in relationships. Who do you prioritize when you are faced with competing demands? Do you visit your family for the holidays with or without your partner? Who are you prioritizing when you make that choice? Do you rearrange your house before you family visits (putting pictures of you and your partner away, setting up the spare bedroom to look like you have separate rooms, etc.)? Who are you prioritizing when you make this choice? No matter how you look at it, where you put your time, energy and resources is a reflection of what is most important to you.
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FORTY-SEVEN | Expect the Best Your standards and expectations pave the way for what you attract into your life. If you operate from the belief that you cannot have a partner that is “healthy” or “intelligent” or “attractive” because you aren’t enough of those things yourself, you are limiting yourself. If you want to improve your golf game are you going to play with someone you consider to be inferior to you? No. Relationships are similar in that if you want to invest your life with another, you want to do so with a partner that you believe have something to offer you. Ultimately you are in charge of whether or not you want to improve your game of life by the partner you choose to share it with.
FORTY-EIGHT | Expand Intimacy When you think about intimacy, what is the first thing that comes to mind? If you are like many people it is sex. Sex and intimacy are definitely in the same book ñ the book of vulnerability - but many times sex and intimacy are several chapters apart. Sex is a loaded topic for many couples. And intimacy is often not a topic at all. As you deepen your connection, your authentic, loving, intimate connection, you begin to peel back the layers that serve to protect your real self. Intimacy is the act of two people revealing themselves in the most honest, genuine and real way possible. It is the act of knowing and being known. In a love relationship, intimacy is a shared experience - a mutual revealing of the mind, body, and spirit with someone you respect and love.
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FORTY-NINE | Laugh Daily “It is said, the closest distance between two people is humor. “ ~ Matthew Kelly, 7 Levels of Intimacy Fun and laughter go hand in hand. Pleasure leads to safety and safety leads to intimacy. You are more likely to reveal our truest self when you feel safe. Be sure to include some humor in your world. Humor is passion, aliveness, connection and fun. Humor brings light and laughter and fun and pleasure. When you take yourself too seriously you begin to lose perspective, you begin to sink under the weight of such seriousness.
FIFTY | Find New Ways Say I Love You every day, without using these three words. Love is a verb. You experience love through doing, not being. Love is often viewed as a passive experience that either exists or it doesn’t exist, but in all reality, love is an action ñ a verb, something that you do. When you rely on the three words, “I love you” to convey how you feel, you are missing out on a whole wide world of opportunity to express love. Be creative and authentic and genuine. Think every day about one thing you can do to let your partner know that you love her.. Put a love note in her purse. Call just to say hello. Rub her feet after a long day. Look in her eyes and smile at her with your whole heart. It doesn’t take much to communicate love. It doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive or complicated. Keep it simple Keep it real.
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FIFTY-ONE | Vision vs. Reality Discover, in detail, the truest, most authentic person within your partner – the person inside that is striving to come out, that is trying to overcome doubts and fears, and trying to sort through old messages and expectations others had of her. Learn her deepest dreams, her wants, her goals, and know what she values, what inspires her and what brings her to life, and life to her. Create a vision in your mind of the person she is becoming, and hold that vision of her – mirroring this person back to her, until she becomes who she knows on the deepest level, herself to be.
FIFTY-TWO | Love Who She is Many people try to change their partners into the image of their ideal mate. This is a natural, though unproductive, pursuit for most people in relationships. We are constantly seeking wholeness and healing. When we begin believing that we would be happy if only she would______________, or if only he would ______________, we have lost our way. Happiness comes from within. It always has, it always will. Take the pressure off of your relationship and focus on what you can control: yourself! When you decide that in order for you to be happy your partner has to become someone she is not, then you are taking away from yourself, and from your relationship. And when that happens, you lose. And so do your partner. Choose to love your partner exactly as she is (even if I don’t like everything she does, and even if you disagree with her 69% of the time), because it feels better to love what is, than to be constantly disappointed in what isn’t. Cherish what you already have – because in the loosely quoted words of Byron Katie, “We are already in paradise and don’t even know it!” _________________________________________________________________________________________ Relationship Coaching Available by Skype - Wherever You Are! micheleomara.com for info -38-
To love your partner exactly as she already is, well, that is the greatest gift of all.
If this e.book has been a helpful resource to you, please share with your friends and loved ones.
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