The Art of Being Self Kind

Dancers are known for seeking perfection, and all too often we are very self-critical.

Finding time and compassion for yourself can help you find balance, positively affecting your overall wellbeing, writes psychotherapist and coach to creatives, Nicolette Wilson-Clarke FACCPH.

Nicolette Wilson-Clarke

It has certainly been a year to remember. With such turbulence, you could be forgiven for feeling somewhat down and anxious about today and the future. Wherever you are in the world, chances are that life is offering you a few day-to-day curve balls.

I totally resonate with this, however – as the saying goes - what you choose to focus on you become, right? Positive psychologists believe that by focusing on your character strengths , you can improve your quality of life and thus thrive with an optimistic outlook.

So, what if one of your character strengths is kindness? Could you use it to cultivate a feeling of glass half full, even when it feels like the glass is completely shattered and haemorrhaging liquid everywhere?

Below are my thoughts on self-kindness and how it can support you to get through the day without hanging yourself out to dry in the process.

Be kind to yourself

Is it fair to say that you are your own worst critic? Especially when you want to do or be better, fear failure, are experiencing low self-esteem or depression or have had childhood experiences that lead you to believe you are unworthy?

Now imagine a loved one has come to you upset because of a mistake they’d made, or with feelings of disappointment and self-doubt. Upon hearing this, would you add fuel to the fire and agree? Tell them what stupid mistakes they’ve made and say they could have done better? Chances are you’d immediately swathe them in love and reassurances. You’d probably avoid judgement and criticism and instead reinforce their successes and try to build their confidence. Right? When those feelings of self-doubt and criticism come from within, and you’re asking yourself for reassurance, are you your own ally in the same way? Do you remember that it's ok to be messy, because that's how you grow?

Self-criticism limits your growth and reduces your ability to take risks. It perpetuates anxiety due to a fear of being ’wrong’ but what if you could replace self-criticism with self-compassion?

Self-compassion reminds you that you are worthy of love despite your imperfections. It reminds you that you deserve love, kindness, and compassion on good and bad days because - like every other human being on this planet - you are flawed! It's natural to err, and you are not alone when things fall apart, it happens to us all.

“With self-compassion you can shift from the feeling of loneliness often felt during self-criticism to a feeling of acceptance and forgiveness.”

So how do you offer yourself self-compassion? Just as a delicious cake comes out of a well-balanced recipe, so too is self-compassion made from three balanced ingredients. These ingredients are self-kindness, believing that everyone stumbles or falls, and being mindful. So, if you can care for yourself without judgment, realise that everyone is flawed and imperfect, and experience each moment with clarity and balance, then you can indulge in a well-balanced slice of self-compassion.

Here are three practical ways to focus on selfkindness whilst loving who you are and living with both acceptance and forgiveness:

1. Remember that you are not your crisis

How you react and behave in the moment of crisis may be out of your usual character, so upon reflection remember that you're not at your best at these times.

Your reaction is an immediate response to the situation at hand, and who you become in the moment depends on the tools you have. So, be kind to yourself by recognising that you showed up! You used the resources you had at the time - whatever that looked like - and that's all you could do. If those resources were not sufficient to support you, then acknowledge that you may need help in developing and exploring them.

Practicing self-kindness here will remind you that a crisis is not a true reflection of who you are. Self compassion will create space to see that you are not your crisis.

2. Avoid taking a mental selfie of yourself

It is very easy to get caught up in the mental freeze frame of a situation where you ruminate on it for hours and refuse to give yourself a break.

Take effective action to change this by deliberately breaking the pattern and asking yourself what you’ve learnt from the situation. How could you do it differently next time, especially if others were involved?

3. Journalling

If you don't have access to a community, then writing or voice recording are excellent alternatives. Reading your own written words or hearing yourself back can really help you to see the truth of the situation and offer a compassionate perspective.

When you also include a daily gratitude you make space for forgiveness, understanding and kindness, plus it can work as a reminder that you always have a choice.

When you choose self-kindness and self-compassion over self-criticism and judgement, you prepare for a life open to curiosity, self-awareness and the courage to question your inner critic.

With these choices, why wouldn’t you choose a life of self-love and self-kindness every day?

Further information

Nicolette Wilson-Clarke FACCPH is founder of The Creative Genius, and is a psychotherapist and coach trained in psychology, psychotherapy, counselling, Emotional Intelligence, CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy), Somatic Coaching, Transformational Coaching and Master Coaching.

www.thecreativegenius.co.uk