Chayyei Sarah: The “Exquisite Risk” of Love
Death, love, death.
Sandwiched between the death of our first matriarch and our first patriarch we witness the choreography of a dramatic, divinely directed love story between Isaac and Rebecca. How does this powerful connection come to be? What internal qualities or practices were active in the Rebecca and Isaac story that allowed them to be open to what poet Mark Nepo calls the “exquisite risk” of an open heart? I want to highlight three: chesed, meditation, and vulnerability
I. The Text
Isaac’s love for Rebecca is clear and unequivocal:
67. And Isaac brought her to the tent of Sarah his mother, and he took Rebecca, and she became his wife, and he loved her. And Isaac was comforted for [the loss of] his mother.
Bereshit 24:67
Rebecca brings Isaac back to life after the death of his mother. She literally illuminates the place in his life that was in darkness and despair:
“Three years Isaac mourned for his mother. Every time he entered her tent, and saw it in darkness, he would tear his hair. But when he married Rebecca, and brought her into the tent, the light returned to its place.”
Midrash Ha-Gadol 24:67
Does Rebecca love Isaac? The text is less clear, but something powerful happens to her when she sees Isaac for the first time:
63. And Isaac went forth to meditate in the field towards evening, and he lifted his eyes and saw, and behold, camels were approaching.
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64. And Rebecca lifted her eyes, and saw Isaac, and she fell down from the camel. .דס קחציתאארתּוהיניעתאהקבראשּׂתּו :למגּהלעמלפּתּו
65. And she said to the servant, "Who is that man walking in the field towards us?" And the servant said, "He is my master" And she took the veil and covered herself.
Bereshit 24: 63-65
II. Rebecca and Chesed (kindness/generosity)
.הס
Rebecca’s kindness and generosity upon meeting Abraham’s servant at the well is as abundant as the water she pulls up to quench the thirst of the man and his camels. Avivah Zornberg writes, “as she runs back and forth at the well, eagerly providing for the needs of the servant and the camels, she resembles Abraham welcoming his angel-guests – impatient, energetic, overflowing with love (chesed).” In fact, the text uses the word chesed four times in the space of two chapters, underlining the trait in relation to Rebecca. Chesed is also the trait most commonly associated with Abraham.
Rebecca’s chesed should not be considered simply being nice. Chesed in the Torah can be defined more accurately as a profound generosity of spirit. Alan Morinis writes that chesed involves acts that sustain another. She gives from a bottomless well (pun intended) of this sustaining love and kindness.
Why does this make Rebecca particularly open to receiving love?
One possibility is that chesed works directly to counteract scarcity mentality, i.e. “I don’t have enough myself, how can I give generously to others?” Chesed abides by its own rules – generating love even as it “spends” it. As Shakespeare’s Juliet says, “My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I give to thee, / The more I have, for both are infinite.”
Emily Esfahani Smith, writing about this topic for the Atlantic, cites research that underlines this point. She writes, “the more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which leads to upward spirals of love and generosity in a relationship.”
Rebecca has this kindness orientation, and from this space, her heart is primed for an intimate connection with Isaac.
III. Isaac and Meditation
Isaac “went out to the fields to meditate” ( אציּוקחציחוּשׂלהדשּׂבּתוֹנפלברע ).
Actually, the definition of the word for what Isaac does in the field, “lasu’ach” is contested. Rabbi Larry Bach, in his parsha study for the Institute for Jewish Spirituality, beautifully explored the different interpretations of this word, including “conversing [with God]” (Rashi’s take), “going for a stroll” (Radak’s interpretation), and/or “planting growing things” (Rashbam). In all of these readings, Isaac emerges as a deeply spiritual person, walking out to the fields to connect to some version of the Divine, himself, and the world.
The fact that Isaac is in the process of this spiritual activity when his eyes lift to see Rebecca approaching does not seem to be accidental. Those of us that meditate and pray have felt one of the clearest byproducts of that practice: a tender, sensitive and open heart. After long meditation retreats, I often find myself, for a certain period of time, resisting killing bugs in my apartment and finding the people around me particularly beautiful. It is not that meditation causes love to manifest, it simply helps to remove the obstacles and distractions that cloud the heart’s natural loving nature.
Rav Kook, when writing about the phenomenon of prayer, writes: “The soul is always praying [...] it constantly seeks to fly away to its Beloved.” (Gold from the Land of Israel pp. 56-57). If the soul is always seeking to fly to its beloved, always in prayer, we merely have to surrender to that process, allowing the Beloved to burst forth. It is said that Rebecca, when looking upon Isaac for the first time in that field, “ saw him majestic (hadur), and she was dumbfounded in his presence.” (Bereishit Rabbah, 60:15). Isaac’s presence – his being completely present – shook the foundation on which she sat. And so she fell.
III. Vulnerability
Rebecca humbles herself before Isaac at the moment they first see each other in the fields (either “falling” or “descending from” her camel, covering herself with her veil). Isaac brings Rebecca to his mother’s tent – his place of deepest suffering and grief. The first explicit love story in the Torah reverberates with vulnerability from both of the protagonists, which perhaps is the most important requirement for love. Brene Brown says, “there can be no intimacy—emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, physical intimacy—without vulnerability... It’s about being honest with
how we feel, about our fears, about what we need, and asking for what we need. Vulnerability is a glue that holds intimate relationships together.” When Isaac and Rebecca fall in love, they meet each other fully as they are: raw, unfiltered, with generous, open and vulnerable hearts.
Our challenge is to meet the world with the same.
The Institute for Jewish Spirituality’s mission is to develop and teach Jewish spiritual practices so that individuals and communities may experience greater awareness, purpose, and interconnection.
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