Pinchas: Coming Forward
The story of the daughters of Zelophehad in Parshat Pinchas is revolutionary. Not only does it feature five named women who step up, speak out, and change the course of Jewish law, it also features God approving of the sisters’ courageous request. The Zelophehad daughters teach us about the strength and the power that comes from the act of coming forward and asking for what we want.
I. Coming Forward and Standing
1 The daughters of Zelophehad, the son of Hepher, the son of Gilead, the son of Machir, the son of Manasseh, of the families of Manasseh the son of Joseph, came forward, and his daughters' names were Mahlah, Noa, Hoglah, Milcah, and Tirzah.
2 They stood before Moses and before Eleazar the kohen and before the chieftains and the entire congregation at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting, saying…
– Numbers 27:1-2
Before they open their mouths to speak, the daughters take two terrifying actions–they come forward and they stand their ground The text is clear that this “standing” takes place in the most intimidating circumstances possible – in front of Moses, Eleazar, the chieftains and the entire congregation.
What does it take to move from the margins to the center? To come forward from the periphery and stand up, in the fullness of our posture, when the circumstances of our lives so often tell us that slouching, crouching, or hiding is the safer and better option?
Avivah Zornberg writes that the root karav in “they came forward” “signifies intimacy, struggle, sacrifice.” (Bewilderments, 264). To come forward means being willing to be seen as we are. The “intimacy” seen here is both an intimacy with oneself – a deep knowing of oneself – as well as an intimacy with the people in front
of you. The “struggle” is in finding your way there, which for many of us is the work of a lifetime. The “sacrifice” is the willingness to let go of any certainty in order to take the risk.
Every social justice victory we have ever experienced in this country was the culmination of decades of difficult work on the grassroots, legislative, personal and communal levels. Civil Rights, desegregation, legalization of same-sex marriagebehind victories such as these, there are hundreds and thousands of stories of individuals – people like you, me, and the daughters of Zelophehad, who found our legs, took the steps, and struggled our way forward.
II. The Ask
Once they come forward, the sisters take another revolutionary step and ask for what they want The sisters ask for the inheritance that was due to their father, despite the fact that women could not previously inherit land. God hears this request and says ken - yes. Ken to what they are asking for, and perhaps ken to the courage, strength and vulnerability in the asking itself.
In 2003, Linda Babcock, Sara Laschever, Michele Gelfand and Deborah Small published an article in the Harvard Business Review called “Nice Girls Don’t Ask.” In it, they cite a study that showed women graduating from business school consistently start their careers with 8% lower salaries than men. The primary reason for this is that only 7% of the women negotiated for a higher salary, while 57% of men did. Why? Because women are raised to think that if they are “good” and “nice” they will get rewarded without the perceived pushiness or entitlement of asking outright. If this is true of contemporary women, it must have been an even more extreme risk for the Zelophehad sisters.
And yet they ask anyway.
My sister, Breetel Graves, says that the best advice she was ever given was from a therapist she saw at the age of 14 who told her “ask for what you want and be ready to hear ‘yes’ or ‘no’.” She says that she needed to invite in nearly everything she has wanted in life. She needed to articulate her desire and express it to the world: “I want to find a partner.” “I want to find a job that is fulfilling and sustainable.” In that act, she has felt a certain amount of acceptance for herself and her desire. She comes into contact with the intimacy and the vulnerability of the need. After that, she says, she has done her job. She must wait and see whether the world (or the person she has asked) gives her what she asks for.
III. Being Ready to Hear Yes
We often think that of course we are ready to hear “yes” when we ask for what we want, but sometimes a “yes” can bring more questions, more struggles, and can reveal insecurities. Sometimes a “yes” can require us to step into shoes we aren’t
sure we can fill. Being ready to hear “yes” requires trusting ourselves to live up to a version of ourselves that might be larger than we know.
IV. Being Ready to Hear No
For most of us, hearing “no” to a request can feel shameful, or like a punishment. Many of us resist asking because we are terrified of the “no.” Preparing ourselves to hear “no” requires that we face that fear with a certain amount of humility. Perhaps we are not ready to get what we want. Perhaps what we want does not exist. Hearing and sitting with the “no” means sitting with discomfort and feeling what it’s like to yearn for something without resolution. Hearing “no” is part of being human and realizing that we aren’t in control.
God, however, says Yes, and the course of history changes forever. May we find the places of bravery and trust in our own lives to come forward, stand our ground, ask for what we want, and risk the answer
The Institute for Jewish Spirituality’s mission is to develop and teach Jewish spiritual practices so that individuals and communities may experience greater awareness, purpose, and interconnection.
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