V’Zot Habracha: The End and The Beginning
It was around 8pm on a very long fast day – Tisha B’Av in the middle of the summer. I was weak and hungry I was on a retreat at the Isabella Freedman Retreat Center in Connecticut. I lay down on the small dock that juts out into Lake Miriam in the waning light of the day. I listened to the sound of the water gently rapping against the wooden poles of the dock. I felt the warm sun on my face and the heated panels of wood underneath me. My thoughts slowed to a crawl. I felt empty and still, grateful and peaceful. Each blink of my eyelid felt like it was happening in slow motion. I thought: “So much that I worry about doesn’t matter.” I thought “this life is precious. ” Too tired and weak to struggle, I felt happy and whole.
And then somewhere, out of the timelessness and the stillness, day became night, and I got up to go break the fast.
Later, looking back on that afternoon, I wondered whether that glimpse I had into wholeness is exactly the point of Yom Kippur, fast days, and the final book of the Torah when we read about Moses’s death. Although the struggle is important, in the end, everything falls away to reveal the stillness, wholeness and love underneath.
Moses Dies
Chapter 34
1 And Moses went up from the plains of Moab to Mount Nebo, [to the] top of the summit facing Jericho
5 And Moses, the servant of the Eternal, died there, in the land of Moab, by the mouth of the One.
6 And He buried him in the valley, in the land of Moab, opposite Beth Pe'or. And no person knows the place of his burial, unto this day.
7 Moses was one hundred and twenty years old when he died. His eye had not dimmed, nor had he lost his [natural] freshness.
8 And the sons of Israel wept for Moses in the plains of Moab for thirty days, and the days of weeping over the mourning for Moses came to an end
10 And there was no other prophet who arose in Israel like Moses, whom YHVH knew face to face
- Deuteronomy, Chapter 34, (1, 5-8, 10)
In this scene of remarkable tenderness, Moses climbs the mountain and looks at the land that his people will enter. God then takes his life with a kiss (according to Rashi), and then buries Moses in a mysterious and unknown location. With Joshua in position to take over, Moses’s only job is to let go of his life.
And our only job is let go of Moses.
It is harder than I thought it would be. I’m sure Joshua is great, but the text itself says that Israel never knew another prophet like Moses. Even though I knew it was coming, Moses’s loss is a tough one to take. Something about his struggle and his grit, his insecurity and his faith made me feel close to him as I read about his journey each week. I feel a great sadness and loss when he climbs that mountain and dies. I feel clingy to Moses, and to all the (real) people in my life whom I want to remain alive forever Why does he have to die? Why does everyone have to die?
The Secret Stillness
And then I remember that day on the dock. I remember what Abraham Joshua Heschel calls “the secret stillness that preceded our birth and succeeds our death,” pulsing underneath the entire universe. I remember that birth and death are just stages of a wave that ultimately returns to the sea and was always composed of the sea.
In fact, all nature points to the truth of this constantly birthing, constantly dying cycle. Nothing comes from nothing and nothing that is present ever disappears. If you look big enough and you look small enough, you see that all of life is flow and change, crest and fall. No beginnings. No ends. One Chasidic tale describes the actual process of death as so gentle and quiet, “it was like picking up a piece of hair out of a bowl of milk.”
So why do we fear death? Why does Moses beg and plead to avoid it (according to the midrashim)? Why is there a long legacy of Chasidic Rebbes who devise elaborate plans to avoid the Angel of Death when their time has come? Perhaps part of it is an evolutionary attempt to hold onto life with all our might so that we survive. Perhaps another part of it is our hearts’ natural tendency to cling and attach to what we know and what we love.
Yom Kippur is our time to practice letting go. We practice dying so we remember what it is to live fully In some Tibetan Buddhist traditions, the monks wake up each morning and practice dying in order to throw their lives into stark relief. They slow
their heart rate down, stay extremely still, and practice just being within the natural stillness of their bodies and the world. They then return to the world with a freshness and newness – eyes that are seeing their world, again, as if for the first time.
I believe this might have been what happened to Moses after he climbed the mountain. We are told that his eyes didn’t dim and that he still retained his “freshness.” I think Moses was wide awake when we died. I think he saw life clearly and fully. I think the kiss he shared with the Divine was a release of life into Life. That was the model he left for us.
And Judaism, in its infinite wisdom, reminds us of the cycle of death and life in the Torah itself. We read this parsha (Torah portion) of Moses’s death often at the same moment (Simcha Torah) as we re-start the cycle over again. Moses’s exhale becomes Adam’s inhale. We can (and should) grieve the loss of Moses, and all who have died and will die. We can fear our own deaths. But we have a reminder every year that underneath all the drama and grasping in life, we can let go and find God again. We can come: “Panim al Panim” – Face to Face - with Life, with Breath, and with the One.
Stephen Levine has a beautiful poem called Millennium Blessing that describes this process:
“There is a grace approaching / that we shun as much as death / it is the completion of our birth. / It does not come in time / …….but in timelessness / when the mind sinks into the heart / and we remember. / It is an insistent grace that draws us / to the edge and beckons us surrender / safe territory and enter our enormity. / We know we must pass / …….beyond knowing / and fear the shedding. / But we are pulled upward / …….none-the-less through forgotten ghosts / …….and unexpected angels, / luminous. / And there is nothing left to say / but we are That. / And that is what we sing about.”
That is what we sing about.
There is a beginning, and an end, and then a beginning again.
Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in again.
THANK YOU
I want to thank all of you who studied with me throughout the year I’ve learned so much from all of you. Even those with whom I haven’t communicated, I’ve felt your presence out there on the other end of these weekly emails. Thank you.
Thanks especially to the Institute for Jewish Spirituality for the tremendous opportunity. Please sign up for the torah study again next year – there is a fantastic new line-up of teachers on the roster!
Finally, please stay in touch! You can find more information on my classes, coaching and offerings at yaelshy.com, email me at yael@mindfulnessconsulting.net or find me on Instagram at Yaelshy1.
May this be a year of many blessings for you all, as you have been such blessings to me.
The Institute for Jewish Spirituality’s mission is to develop and teach Jewish spiritual practices so that individuals and communities may experience greater awareness, purpose, and interconnection.
Learn more
jewishspirituality.org
Inspired by ancient Jewish wisdom, OneTable is a national non-profit that empowers folks (21-39ish) to find, share, and enjoy Shabbat dinners, making the most of their Friday nights.
Our social dining platform makes it easy for you to become the producer of your own experiences, and for Shabbat dinner to become a platform for community building.
We provide simple DIY tools so hosts can get right to welcoming people to a Shabbat dinner in their home, so guests can savor a Friday meal, and for all to experience unique events for Shabbat dinners right in their neighborhood. We do this because we believe good food and good conversation with great people is simply good for you.
Led by our core values of joy, welcoming, and elevation, we envision a whole generation of young people slowing down, getting together, unplugging from the week, creating intention in their lives, and building meaningful communities.
Find Your Friday
onetable.org
