Vayigash: Unshakeable Forgiveness
“
Vayigash” – “Then he came forward.”
There is a remarkable double “coming forward” in this week’s parsha, resulting in a dramatic teshuvah (repentance) and forgiveness scene between Judah and Joseph. Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks calls this “the first recorded moment in history when one human being forgives another.”
This moment in the Torah is usually understood as a two-step dance. First, Judah’s sincere apology and demonstration that he has changed and is willing now to sacrifice himself in place of his brother. Second, Joseph’s tearful, thorough forgiveness of Judah and all the brothers. Rabbi Sacks – and many others – are careful to point out the multi-stage process of Judah’s repentance that “earned” him forgiveness. Indeed, the entire complicated process by which Joseph tests his brothers seems expressly designed to see whether or not they have changed, and therefore whether or not he will forgive them.
Except, if you look directly at Joseph’s words of forgiveness, nowhere does Joseph mention that his forgiveness is a result of the brothers’ apology or changed behavior.
First in this week’s reading:
4 Then Joseph said to his brothers, "Please come closer to me," and they drew closer. And he said, "I am your brother Joseph, whom you sold into Egypt.
5 But now do not be sad, and let it not trouble you that you sold me here, for it was to preserve life that God sent me before you.
And again in next week’s:
19. But Joseph said to them, "Don't be afraid, for am I instead of God? .טי רמאיּוםהלאףסוֹילאַוּאריתּיכּתחתהםיה א
20. Indeed, you intended evil against me, [but] God designed it for good, in order to bring about what is at present to keep a great populace alive.
- Genesis 50: 19-20
.כ םתּאוםתּבשׁחילעהערםיה אהּבשׁחהבטל ןעמלהשׂעםוֹיּכּהזּהתיחהלםעבר :
Joseph is very clear that his forgiveness does not forget the wrong done to him (“whom you sold into Egypt” and “you intended evil against me”) but he bases his forgiveness on a much larger vision than the level of repentance offered by his brothers. He forgives because he seems to understand that forgiveness is a release into how things are. Or to quote Lily Tomlin, Joseph seems to understand that “forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past.”
This type of forgiveness – completely independent of the repentance-level of the offender –is, in my experience, excruciatingly difficult to practice. In his short essay “About Forgiveness!”, the poet and writer, Mark Nepo, articulates why:
The pain was necessary to know the truth but we don’t have to keep the pain alive to keep the truth alive. This is what has kept me from forgiveness: the feeling that all I’ve been through will evaporate if I don’t relive it; that if those who hurt me don’t see what they’ve done, my suffering will have been for nothing…What it really comes down to is the clearness of the heart to stop defining who I am by those who have hurt me and take up the risk to love myself, to validate my own existence, pain and all, from the center out.
Thinking that I needed to keep the pain in order to keep the truth alive has been the mistake I’ve made over and over again, blocking my way to forgiveness. Each time someone has really hurt me, and I have considered forgiving them, a voice seems to scream at me from within: They aren’t sorry! They are living their lives, as happy as can be, while you suffer! If you forgive, you erase what happened! Nobody will affirm how much pain you are in! It often feels like if I don’t hold my ground in anger, I will be doing damage to myself again – on top of the original wounding, by not standing up for my pain.
But Nepo’s words are wise – the validation I seek won’t come from the people who hurt me (and if it does, that usually doesn’t feel like enough). It must come from myself. And in the meantime, the pain and the burden of holding onto my anger are damaging me – not those who hurt me. As the saying goes, holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Eva Kor, a Holocaust survivor featured in the documentary film, Forgiving Dr. Mengele (2006), has written and spoken about the liberation of forgiveness of unforgiveable crimes. Kor, along with her twin sister, endured brutal and inhumane medical experiments at the hand of Nazi doctors in Auschwitz. In 1995, she gave a speech at the 50th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz forgiving the Nazis for what they did to her. She writes of the experience, “As I did that, I felt a burden of pain was lifted from me. I was no longer in the grip of pain and hate; I was finally free… For most people there is a big obstacle to forgiveness because society expects revenge. It seems we need it to honor our victims. But I always wonder if my dead loved ones would want me to live with pain and anger until the end of my life.”
She goes on to explain that beneath that first level of forgiveness, a cascade of additional forgivenesses seemed to be included:
The day I forgave the Nazis, privately I forgave my parents whom I hated all my life for not having saved me from Auschwitz. Children expect their parents to protect them, mine couldn’t. And then I forgave myself for hating my parents.
Desmond Tutu, in writing about his journey to forgive his alcoholic and abusive father, also writes about the multiple forgivenesses at play in any deep process of healing:
When I reflect back across the years to my father's drunken tirades, I realize now that it was not just with him that I was angry. I was angry with myself. That small boy, trembling in fear, I had not been able to stand up to my father or protect my mother. So many years later, I realize that I not only have to forgive my father. I have to forgive myself.
When I no longer hold his offenses against him, and can also forgive myself, those memories of him no longer exert any control over my moods or my disposition. His violence and my inability to protect my mother no longer define me. I am not the small boy cowering in fear of his drunken rage. I have a new and different story. Forgiveness has liberated both of us. We are free.
I believe Joseph, in this week’s (and next week’s) parsha, is liberated from his victimhood. The clarity of his words to Judah and his brothers indicate an unshakable forgiveness, independent from any prerequisites of remorse.
So why the tests and deception? Why the back-and-forth about fetching Benjamin, and accusing Benjamin? I wonder if it was actually an act of compassion on Joseph’s part to provide his brothers the opportunity to make teshuvah, repentance, for what they had done. Knowing the pain and suffering associated with committing harm, I wonder if Joseph, out of his love for them, gave them the opportunity to “come forward” and make it right. This type of love is possible when born out of the fullness of forgiveness.
The Institute for Jewish Spirituality’s mission is to develop and teach Jewish spiritual practices so that individuals and communities may experience greater awareness, purpose, and interconnection.
Learn more jewishspirituality.org
Inspired by ancient Jewish wisdom, OneTable is a national non-profit that empowers folks (21-39ish) to find, share, and enjoy Shabbat dinners, making the most of their Friday nights.
Our social dining platform makes it easy for you to become the producer of your own experiences, and for Shabbat dinner to become a platform for community building.
We provide simple DIY tools so hosts can get right to welcoming people to a Shabbat dinner in their home, so guests can savor a Friday meal, and for all to experience unique events for Shabbat dinners right in their neighborhood. We do this because we believe good food and good conversation with great people is simply good for you.
Led by our core values of joy, welcoming, and elevation, we envision a whole generation of young people slowing down, getting together, unplugging from the week, creating intention in their lives, and building meaningful communities.
Find Your Friday onetable.org