Caregivers Are Allowed to Cry?

Caregivers are Allowed to Cry? Coping with Difficult Feelings

By LISA M. PETSCHE

Caring for an aging relative can involve physical, psychological, emotional, and financial demands. Caregivers may experience a variety of distressing emotions along the way.

Read on for the most common ones and the reasons for those feelings.

Guilt – Because unlike their relative, the caregiver enjoys good health; many have not, until recently, beensignificantly involved in their relative’s life; they have mixed feelings about their role as a caregiver; or they have made promises they’re not sure they’ll be able to keep.

Resentment – They’ve had to make personal and financial sacrifices; the relative has treated them badly in the past; their relative is demanding and critical; family members aren’t helping out; or family members are critical of the care provided.

Frustration – Often due to the helplessness of being unable to change the course of their relative’s illness; personality differences between them and their relative; having to contend with “nuisance” behaviors, such as repetitive questioning; or being unable to reason with their cognitively impaired relative.

Anxiety and fear – Their charge may fall or, if their relative has dementia, household accidents, physical aggression, or wandering away from home may occur; or there are concerns about what the future holds in terms of their relative’s disease progression and care needs.

Loneliness – Arises from social isolation; feeling no one understands what they’re going through; having to do things alone that they used to do with their relative; or being unable to relate to their relative in the usual ways due to changes in their cognition.

Sadness – Because their relative is gradually losing their abilities and perhaps also their personality; joint plans for the future must go unrealized; or they can’t imagine life without their relative.

Anger – Because their relative is ill or disabled, is overly dependent on the caregiver, or refuses recommended medical equipment or community support services. Feelings of anger may be directed toward their relative, family members, healthcare providers (continually finding fault with them), or God, orthey may be non-specific.

Caregivers may also be angry at themselves for taking on the caregiving role or for not being more assertive with the care receiver, family members, or health professionals.

While a certain degree of caregiving-related stress is inevitable, when left unchecked it can lead to burnout. Physical warning signs include fatigue, memory problems, sleep difficulties, significant weight loss or gain, frequent illness, and development of chronic health problems.

Some emotional red flags are frequent crying, frequent irritation by small annoyances, difficulty controlling one’s temper, feeling overwhelmed, feeling inadequate, and feeling hopeless. In severe cases, burnout can lead to abuse of the care receiver; this signals the need for immediate help. Coping Strategies

If you are a caregiver, read on for some strategies to help keep stress manageable.

• Look after your own health. Find something relaxing you can do daily to give yourself a break, perhaps enjoying a cup of tea, reading, writing in a journal, or listening to music.

• Stay connected to your friends; your faith community, if applicable;and other supportive groups.

• Focus on your relative’s abilities, not disabilities, and the things you can still do together.

• Acknowledge your relative’s right to make decisions you disagree with (provided they are mentally capable).

• Let go of past grievances. Seek counseling if necessary to help you move forward in your relationship with your relative.

• Don’t promise your relative you will never place them in longterm-care, because you don’t know what the future holds.

• Take things one day at a time. Recognize there will be good days and not-so-good days.

• Join a caregiver support group.

• Don’t try to do it alone. Accept offers of help. If they’re not forthcoming, ask other family members to share the load and be specific about what you need. Lisa M. Petsche is a social worker and a freelance writer specializing in r boomer and senior health matters. She has personal experience with elder care.