Only Child by Only Child Enterprises

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Volume 8 Number 4

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Devoted to the World of Only Children

BRAIN, CHILDâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S Jennifer Niesslein Weighs in on Only Children

Peculiar, Exceptional or...

Invasion of Privacy: The Reality of Adolescence OOn7y Child: Pierce Brosnan The Empty Nest: Freedom From & Freedom For Off the Net: Your Letters to Only Child

Normal?

www.OnlyChild.com Only Child is published by Only Child Enterprises, Inc. 137 N. Larchmont Blvd., #556, Los Angeles, CA 90004 (323)937-6815, fax (323)937-1808 e-mail at OnlyChild@OnlyChild.com

Editor-in-Chief Publisher/Creative Director Production/Circulation Copy Editor Editorial Consultant Editorial/Production Assistant Web Designer

Carolyn Noren White Charles S. White Trent Taylor David Moss Jane Lee Alexis Lam Noriko Carroll - ConceptImages.com

Editorial Contributors

Carolyn Noren White Carl E. Pickhardt, Ph.D. Jennifer Niesslein Debra L. Eckerling Alexis Lam

Contributing Psychologists

Carl E. Pickhardt, Ph.D. Susan Newman, Ph.D. Nina Asher, Ph.D.

Only Child (ISSN# 1097-5217) is published by Only Child Enterprises, Inc., 137 N. Larchmont Blvd., #556, Los Angeles, CA 90004, (323) 937-6815. Printed in the U.S.A. Copyright ÂŠ2007 by Only Child Enterprises, Inc., All Rights Reserved. No material may be reproduced in any manner without written permission from the publisher. Only Child is not intended to replace advice of health care professionals. Please consult your physician or therapist for your individual health concerns and needs. We welcome your letters and comments. Address them to: Only Child, 137 N. Larchmont Blvd., #556 Los Angeles, CA 90004; email to onlychild@onlychild.com, or via fax at (323) 937-1808. If for any reason you are not satisfied with this publication, we will refund the prorated portion of your remaining subscription. All emails and letters become the property of Only Child and may be edited for space and clarity. The publisher assumes no responsibility for unsolicited artwork and manuscripts, or for the return or safety of artwork, photographs or manuscripts. Query letters should be addressed to the editor. Only Child was founded in 1996 by Only Child Enterprises, Inc. Only Child and onlychild.com are registered trademarks of Only Child Enterprises, Inc.

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Table of

Contents

Just the One

Jennifer Niesslein, Editor at Large ~ Co-founder of Brain, Child magazine, and her husband have one child. “It’s not something I make a fuss over because, to be honest, we don’t have big reasons—philosophical, environmental, medical—for holding the line at one kid. Also, when you make the decision not to do something, the story’s a little thin and the scenes behind that decision feel quiet, personal, and, well, slight.”

Invasion of Privacy

When only children become adolescents, parents wonder how much privacy to give their child. It’s a tightrope walk. Give too much and your child may think that there is no trust. Give too little and your child may think that you don’t care. Barbara Ruth Williams, Assistant Head and Director of Admissions at Village School in Pacific Palisades, California offers sound advice on this very important issue.

007 ~ Pierce Brosnan

Pierce Brosnan is an old-fashioned Hollywood star. An only child who had a difficult upbringing, Pierce was never bitter. Instead, he found refuge in the theatre where he could express his feelings in appropriate ways. Voted People Magazine’s, “Sexiest Man Alive” in 2001, Brosnan continues to make films that engage him, but he is also spending more time with his young family.

The Empty Nest

When an only child leaves home, things can feel empty but much is gained as well. Dr. Carl Pickhardt writes that the cure for parental sadness over a child leaving home is “parental gratitude.” He explains that as children become adults, parents must redefine their relationship with their child and be ready to treat them as grown-ups (or at least as “almost” grown ups).

DEAR ONLY CHILD Only Child offers advice and answers your letters.

Letter From the Editor I recently paid a visit to our family doctor. She has

treated our family since my daughter (now 26) was ten. We were chatting about our families, (since this is one of the few doctors on earth who spends more than ten minutes with each patient), and she asked about my daughter. I answered that she was great and that she and her husband had just celebrated their first wedding anniversary. She wanted to know what we had done to make our daughter turn out so well. I said that perhaps it had something to do with her being an only child. Anyway, I assured my doctor that I didn’t hold a patent on how to raise great kids and that I felt lucky. I know that sometimes you can do everything right and still have things go wrong.

When I told my husband about my conversation, he was upset and said, “We

need to take credit for having done a good job. Don’t be so modest!” So I started thinking about what we had done to raise such a vibrant, loving, and motivated person. I knew that we had sacrificed many of our own needs to raise our child, but little did I realize how old-fashioned we were in some ways. We set clear boundaries for her, implemented appropriate discipline when necessary, made active listening an important part of our lives together, but I must admit, that I read only one or two books about parenting. What was I thinking?

Later, I was sifting through articles about education and ran across a story

about Rob Evans’ book, Family Matters, How Schools Can Cope with the Crisis in Childrearing. While the book offers excellent advice to teachers and school administrators, it is also a valuable resource for parents. Evans points out that many of today’s parents place more importance on their own fulfillment than on what is good for their families. In the Ozzie and Harriet days (which Evans certainly doesn’t idealize) home was a haven and marriage vows were considered sacred. Evans writes that togetherness was valued, parental authority was unilateral, childhood innocence and adolescent immaturity were the order of the day, and most parents raised their children by intuition rather than by consulting psychologists and reading parenting books. Most of this no longer applies. The bonds of today’s nuclear family are much looser and unravel more easily. Being a parent has morphed into the verb “parenting,” which unlike fifty years ago, tends to be a shared experience. That’s a good thing. But according to Evans, “instead of togetherness we value independence, authority tends to be mutual, and children are expected to be “competent and adolescents sophisticated.” We don’t trust our intuition as our parents and grandparents did, but we rely on psychologists, magazines (like this one) and books to help us craft our parenting skills.

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Evans writes that 50 years ago families were child-centered and home was a

place of comfort from which everything else emanated. Today, home is too often a pit stop where families grab quick meals and parents head off to work. Children are over scheduled, have inch-thick resumes before they are ten, and everyone is harried. Parents who feel guilty about leaving their kids may fail to set boundaries and maintain them. Children learn to negotiate early and may get their way when it’s neither appropriate nor healthy.

After thinking about what Evans says about families and where ours may have

gone right, I have to conclude that many of our values were probably left over from the fifties. Other than the fact that my husband was just as involved a parent as I, we both believed that a sheltering home was more important than accumulating possessions, and we walked the walk. Whatever we did seems to have worked, so maybe not being particularly cool and living a little in the past is a good thing. After all, isn’t retro in?

n this issue, Jennifer Neisslein, editor of Brain, Child Magazine examines her own decision (or decision by default) to have one child, and wonders whether being an only child makes people different? Of course it does, just as coming from a large family, where each child has to establish an identity, makes them different. After much reflection, Jennifer concludes that having one child is right for her.

Parents rightfully make most decisions for their children when they are little,

but as they grow we have to allow them to make some decisions on their own. But how much freedom should we give? Privacy, for instance, becomes more important. But how much is too much? Barbara Ruth Williams offers guidance about the fine line between “careful watchfulness” and becoming a card-carrying member of the parental CIA.

Nothing very right happened to Pierce Brosnan as a child, yet he turned out to be a fine human being, especially given his ultimate mega-star status. His mother moved to London when he was four and left him in the care of his maternal grandparents At six, his grandparents died, and he was passed from relative to relative. It wasn’t until he was eleven that he once again lived with his mother. Finding the theatre and a talent for acting saved Pierce and allowed him to express his feelings in a creative way.

hen kids leave home for college, parents often feel that nothing will ever be right again. But Dr. Carl Pickhardt explains that while the house will be emptier, it’s also an opportunity for parents to claim new freedoms for themselves.

As always, Dear Only Child presents the issues that are foremost on parents’

minds. Our readers talk honestly about what is right about having an only child and how things might be better.

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Carolyn Noren White Editor-in-Chief

BILLIONS AND BILLIONS ... Without even trying, the number of people on this planet has hit 6.5 billion. The good news is that birth rates are now declining in every nation in the world. The United Nations predicts (and so far they have been a good predictor) that population will peak at about 10 billion by 2050 and will then decline. For birth rates to stabilize, women on average must have fewer than 2.1 children. In the United States our fertility rate is 1.99 children per woman. With a birthrate of 1.15 per woman, Spain is the champion of low fertility in industrialized Europe. Italy comes in second with 1.20. But let’s face it 10 billion is a huge number with an enormous impact. Overpopulation is at the root of almost every environmental problem. Robert Engleman, vice-president for research at Population Action International, is concerned. “What really isn’t clear,” he states, “is whether governments will continue to make the progress they have made in providing reproductive care. If they don’t, fertility decline could be stalled.” Whether they know it or not, only child families are important in helping our planet survive. We at Only Child, are optimistic about the 21st century and the role that only children will play in. With their inner strength, intelligence, desire to communicate, and determination to get things done, only children will have a large role in helping us become a more intelligent and compassionate society. O C

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BRAIN, CHILD Just The One by Jennifer Niesslein

Only children: Peculiar, exceptional, or normal? PICK ONE!

My husband and I have one child. It’s not something I make a fuss over because, to be honest, we don’t have big reasons—philosophical, environmental, medical—for holding the line at one kid. Also, when you make the decision not to do something, the story’s a little thin and the scenes behind that decision feel quiet, personal, and, well, slight.

There’s me, primping in front of the mirror in the hospital room, preparing to

take my newborn son home. I’m frustrated. There will be pictures and my hair looks totally stupid. It needs to be fluffier, thicker, something. At this moment, my brain won’t register the puffy dough face of pre-eclampsia or the inscrutable sunken raisins that are my eyes. It won’t register this and it doesn’t take note of how high my blood pressure got and how it won’t come back down. It’s all about the hair.

There is us: My husband is running the bath water for Caleb. I hear

preschooler feet running around upstairs, grown-up feet corralling said preschooler into the bathroom. Me, I’m reading a magazine, my legs slung over the armchair, a cup of hot tea on the low table next to me, refueling from a nice but long afternoon with the boy at the park. If we had another kid, I realize, I couldn’t be doing this at this moment.

A nd later: There’s a potential misfire with the birth control, and I drive to the drug store, the whole way there thinking that, hey, maybe I can pry my mind open to this. The newborn nuzzling! The tiny diapered butt! The crazy infant giggle! But I drive home, and all that’s going through my mind is: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. I take the test. No.

A nd that, I thought, was it, in terms of drama. When you have just the one— and that’s how I’ve always said it, “just the one,” in a tone of let’s-take-this-no-further— life tends to progress linearly: no Return of the First Day of Kindergarten, no Potty Training, Part II.

It’s only recently, now that my baby is eight years old, that people have started feeling more certain that Caleb is, in fact, an only child.

t’s only recently, now that my baby is eight years old, that people have started feeling more certain that Caleb is, in fact, an only child. Not that he doesn’t have any siblings yet. He doesn’t have any siblings. And this itself has brought about a surprising new drama that’s evident when people tell us things like He doesn’t seem like an only child or You can tell he’s an only child or That’s because he’s an only child.

By having an only child, did I unintentionally create an entirely different sort

of person of my son? Are my husband and I different sorts of parents for the experience? Will our boy face anything in life that other people, someone’s sister or brother, Clearly, my family’s won’t face? As his parents, will we?

Clearly, my family’s not in a unique situation

not in a unique situation here. In the past thirty years, the number of only-children families has almost doubled.

here. In the past thirty years, the number of only- children families has almost doubled. The U.S. Census Bureau doesn’t keep stats on how these only-child families came to be—by choice or by circumstance—but it does keep records on how many children women in the U.S. have given birth to. Looking at women ages 40-44 (considered to be, I assume, the end of the line of the birthing years), the Census found that in 1976, 9.6% of these women had one child. In 2004, 17.4% of American women this age had just the one. The numbers, of course, don’t take into account adoption or the occasional woman who gives birth at forty-five or later, but it’s clear that the only child is not as rare a creature as she used to be.

Not rare, and according to research over the past decades, not as strange as

people once thought either. The stereotype of the selfish, weird, little only child has haunted onlies for a long time. Bill McKibben, in his 1998 book Maybe One, traces The stereotype of the selfish, the American incarnation of the stereotype to an weird, little only child has 1896 study by the pioneer of child development haunted onlies for a long time. and psychology G. Stanley Hall titled “A Study of Peculiar and Exceptional Children.” (Other sorts of peculiar and exceptional children Hall spotlighted include those who are “dainty,” “loquacious,” “ugly,” and “nervous.”) In 1972, a public opinion poll (quoted by the late Judith Blake, a family size sociologist) found that 72% of white Americans saw only children as “disadvantaged,” and “more unsociable and aggressive.” In American culture, only children have spanned the spectrum from peculiar (Harriet the Spy, the Brady Bunch’s cousin Oliver) to the exceptional (Nancy Drew, Chelsea Clinton). Exceptional isn’t bad. But it’s not normal either.

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I called Toni Falbo, a sociologist and professor at the University of Texas, who’s the preeminent researcher on only children. When I asked her if only children were different from other people, she sounded a little exasperated, as if I were a figure from the past who might next ask about the dainty or the loquacious. “Well, they’re not that distinctive,” she said. “I mean, they’re homo sapiens.

“When you work in social science, you look at variation around the mean. And “Only children are by and large like other people.”

when you look at the scores of only children, they’re pretty much in the pack in terms of common measures like height/weight and GPA,” Falbo continued. “Only children are by and large like other people.”

They do have a slight advantage in some areas over their siblinged peers (only children are slightly higher achieving and have slightly higher self esteem) but these are functions, Falbo claims, of the parents being able to focus more attention and resources on their one child.

Happily, the stereotypes seem to be loosening their hold, according to Carolyn

White, editor of Only Child, a web-based magazine that she and husband founded in 1996. Back then, her family had felt pretty isolated and stereotyped. “Our intention [in starting Only Child] was to normalize having an only child or being an only child,” she says. Their only daughter is now twenty-six, and, White points out, “In her generation, twenty percent are only children.” They don’t seem to be any more selfish, maladjusted, or lonely than anyone else, she notes. One thing that’s changed from her early days of editing Only Child? “By and large, only children’s adNow most kids go to preschool and are sovantages exist [in China] similar to cialized long before kindergarten: “From a the West,” Falbo told me. “They do very early age, they learn how to resolve conflict, learn how to be conciliatory, and learn better in school. In their personalihow to share.” ties and so on, they’re like other

people.

oni Falbo has studied only children in China, which implemented a one-child policy in 1979 and, as a result, has more only children than anywhere else in the world. In 1990, Falbo studied schoolchildren who were born just before and just after the policy went into place—only children and those with siblings. They measured the kids physically, academically, and through a questionnaire about the child filled out by his parents, his teachers, his peers, and the child himself. “By and large, only children’s advantages exist [in China] similar to the West,” Falbo told me. “They do better in school. In their personalities and so on, they’re like other people. The differences are certainly not of the magnitude to support the ‘little emperor’ stereotype.”

In fact, Falbo looked specifically at the little emperor stereotype—the Chinese only

child who’s fat, bratty, badly behaved, and does not play well with others—and found it didn’t stand up. Chinese parents of only children were more likely to “push,” she found, though not “indulge.” In those questionnaires, the parents of only children tended to give their children lower scores than the teachers, peers, and

the kids themselves did. A Chinese only child, Falbo told me, was more likely to get piano lessons or English lessons than a child with siblings. “But they’re not more likely to get their way.”

A Chinese only child, Falbo told me, was more likely to get piano lessons or English lessons than a child with siblings. “But they’re not more likely to get their way.”

Which brings us to the parents of only children. For better or worse—but, okay, for better—I tend to not be on the receiving

end of harangues about my family size. My parents and in-laws have not said word one about our family size, and strangers don’t approach me about it, either.

ut I have friends—who were, in fact, trying without luck for a second child— who tell me they were often accosted with the painful Look, she needs a sibling! and Better get working on number two! when their daughter reached toddlerhood. My My sister—also a mother of one— sister—also a mother of one—was once inwas once informed by another formed by another mother attending a socmother attending a soccer game that cer game that she wasn’t a real mother until she wasn’t a real mother until she she had another. I’ve heard of women had another. dreading family holiday gatherings; certain relatives seem to believe that if a grandparent just campaigns enough, a baby will be born. Even though I haven’t really experienced it, there is such a thing as pressure to have two.

here is also such a thing, though, as small talk, and lately I’ve been listening carefully when people ask me if Caleb is my only child. Is it small talk? Or something else? And when I reveal the answer, is there some judgment there, too—a stereotype of the parent of the only child?

ack in the day—the day being before good birth control—people assumed that Back in the day—the day being if a married woman had just the one, it before good birth control—people wasn’t for lack of trying. Secondary inferassumed that if a married woman tility was the de facto, if unsaid, explanahad just the one, it wasn’t for lack tion. These days, in polite company, I suspect there are two explanations battling for of trying. primacy in the is-he-your-only questioner’s mind. Secondary infertility is still a possible explanation, but there’s something else, something suspect, about a mother who stops at one. “The stereotype stems from something deep down inside,” Toni Falbo told me. “If you have only one, that one might die.” She points out that although child mortality is down in the West, a child has represented many things for a long time, above and beyond a companion for the parent: help with work, a reassurance that she won’t starve in old age, her very biological line. “In general, across

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the globe, people had a lot of children, but it wasn’t really unusual for a parent to end up with nobody.” Thomas Jefferson and wife, she pointed out, had many children, but only one made it to adulthood.

If there is a reptilian part of the brain that considers the evolutionary consequences If there is a reptilian part of the brain that considers the evolutionary consequences of having just the one, the inner cavemen might well be assessing people like me with a sort of disbelief.

of having just the one, the inner cavemen might well be assessing people like me with a sort of disbelief. Just the one, huh? Isn’t that kind of arrogant? Reckless? Maybe a little stupid?

till, Falbo maintains that unlike in China, most Western parents who have one kid do so by default. “On average, parents who have just one kid … they never planned it that way.” Life happens. Couples split up. Careers mushroom. Money gets tight. The body doesn’t do what you want it to. The urge for a second just never presents itself.

If you’d asked me when I was in college how many kids I would someday have, I

would have told you two. (I also would have informed you that they would be girls and that they would look like me. See? I was insufferable and I have three siblings!) But at some point my husband and I made the active decision to have the one. Only Child’s Carolyn White says that from what she knows from her readers, this probably means that I have a different only-child parenting experience than a parent who has had that decision made for her.

“People who can’t [give birth to a sibling] feel more guilty,” she told me. “And

they blame themselves if they don’t try everything [to provide a sibling].” When White was trying for her second, there wasn’t the whole gamut of fertility treatments available that there is today, but she says she doesn’t think she would have gone to great lengths. They didn’t explore adoption. “After the third miscarriage, it was so enormously distressing. It was interfering with my relationships with my husband and child.” White made peace with and seems to revel in the size of her family. But she says she gets thousands of letters and emails from readers with the theme of guilt: “They feel guilty because they think they’re depriving [the child] of a special relationship.”

In addition to editing Only Child, White has also written a parenting manual for

parents of only children, The Seven Common Sins of Parenting an Only Child. According to White, this guilt—along with other factors like the simple fact of not having other children to turn your attention to—can bring child-rearing issues to a head. You have to be willing to let your only child fail, White says. You should also be careful not to overindulge, even if it’s no trouble to you. You have to let go of the fear that your kid will hate you if you discipline him. Wait, I said. This sounds a lot like what sociologist Sharon Hays has called “intensive mothering,” the modern-day mothering ideal in which a woman loses herself in keeping track of playdates, library books, the baby’s bowel movements: the minutia of childhood. Aren’t these pitfalls that could befall anyone, even those with more than just the one?

If you can be a helicopter parent with two,”

White told me, “you can land your helicopter on a kid’s head when you have one.”

And according to White, the stakes are

“If you can be a helicopter parent with two,” White told me, “you can land your helicopter on a kid’s head when you have one.”

heightened with an only child. In the nature/ nurture balance, White stands firmly on the nurture end of the spectrum. When I ask her whether the stereotypes of only child were at all true, White says, “It’s all about the parenting, not about the kid.” In a bigger family, a child has more role models in her But in a one-child family, the parents brothers and sisters, and, as a result, she are the front-and-center role models, says, “Things are more random.” But in a and the parental influence on the child one-child family, the parents are the frontand-center role models, and the parental is more pure. influence on the child is more pure.

Falbo concurs, sort of. She tells me about the research on abusive parents that sug-

gests that an only child gets the brunt of the abusive parent’s abuse. With more children, she says, “There’s at least someone else to take some of the punches.” On the other hand, in multi-child families with abuse, often one child gets designated as the “whipping boy.” And siblings, Falbo imagines, aren’t of great comfort if you’re the whipping boy. Still, she says, “An only child might suffer disproportionately.”

I asked Falbo if it worked in reverse, or

converse, or inverse. Does good parenting affect an only child more strongly than it I tend to put a goodly sized portion of affects a child with siblings? I didn’t phrase my faith in nature; if not our DNA, the question intelligibly, but she offered then our individual human natures... this: “Parents of only children sometimes the soul, if you will. assume their parenting is causing their child to be a certain way. When people have more than one child, they realize that children come with their own baggage when they’re born.” Some kids are cheery, some more reserved, more rambunctious, more something. So, in the nature/nurture balance, I asked, parents of only children are … what? “You’re more likely to ignore [nature] if you just have one kid,” Also: I’m not a big fan of any idea that Falbo said.

Let me admit something here: I’m in a

suggests my parenting is the make-orbreak factor for my boy. Do it wrong and he’s peculiar. Do it right and he’s exceptional. That kind of pressure can make me crazy.

really bad position to receive Carolyn’s White’s message. I’m the oldest of four sisters and all of us have been, from the get-go, different from each other, and I don’t think it’s because of inter-sibling influence. I tend to put a goodly sized portion of my faith in nature; if not our DNA, then our individual human natures... the soul, if you will.

Also: I’m not a big fan of any idea that suggests my parenting is the make-or-break factor for my boy. Do it wrong and he’s peculiar. Do it right and he’s exceptional.

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That kind of pressure can make me crazy. And yet even if I believe Falbo’s research

that only children are just normal, not peculiar, not exceptional, almost undistinguishable from people with siblings—and, truly, I don’t doubt her findings—I still can’t shake the feeling (prodded by the recurring Is he your only?) that there is something to the experience of being an only child that’s different. It’s certainly different from my own childhood, and I think that when people ask about our family size, the question—for all my blasé attitude—plunks at some chord in me.

I still can’t shake the feeling (prodded by the recurring Is he your only?) that there is something to the experience of being an only child that’s different.

What I’m asking, I think, is impossible.

I would like to compare my son’s onlychild childhood with the childhood I know: my own siblinged one. What’s it like to have the entire backseat of the car to yourself? Do you miss something when you don’t spend a portion of your early years with one sister sharing your bicycle’s banana seat, another balanced on the handlebars? What does the dynamic feel like when the grown-ups outnumber the kids? And, when you grow up, are spouses What does the dynamic feel like when and cousins and friends sufficient? With whom do you laugh about the hand-methe grown-ups outnumber the kids? down wrap-around skirt that fell down in a public place at each stop in the handing down? Who cares about your mother and father as much as you do?

What I’m asking, I think, is impossible. I would like to compare my son’s only-child childhood with the childhood I know: my own siblinged one.

I don’t just want reported answers to these questions. If I did, I could ask my

husband, who’s an only child himself. (For record, he points out that he’s always been an only child and doesn’t know any different, although he believes it worked out for him just fine. Also, when he married me, he got three sisters-in-law.) I I want to know, deep in my bones, want to know, deep in my bones, beyond beyond sociological measures, what sociological measures, what both experiboth experiences—siblinged and ences—siblinged and not—are like.

not—are like.

(Let’s ignore for the moment that I ask these questions as if the sibling issue is the only variant here, which it is not. Caleb is growing up a generation after me. He’s a boy. Our childhoods occurred in different regions of the country. We have different parents. We have different strengths, weaknesses, hair colors, tastes, hobbies, preferences for pizza toppings, favorite colors. We have different tolerances for scary movies, roller coasters, rodents, root vegetables, and the phrase “these days,” the last of which sets the boy’s teeth on edge. Let’s stick with the sibling questions, shall we?)

I’m not the only one wondering, either. 14

Writers and editors Deborah Siegel and Daphne Uviller are both adult only

children. They noticed that, as their friends got older and started families, there would come a point when they’d be approached for the inside scoop on onlyhood. “‘You turned out okay…’” Siegel laughs. “We realized they were looking at us as some sort of test cases.”

The pair put together an anthology of essays, from Harmony Books, titled

Only Child: Writers on the Singular Joys and Solitary Sorrows of Growing Up Solo. In it, they attempt to answer the question, “Okay, but what’s it like?” There isn’t a clear answer even between the editors; Uviller thinks fondly of the experience and Siegel does not.

“W

hen Deborah first suggested it,” ...the stereotypes of the only child— Uviller said, “I thought, ‘Oh my God, what an only child thing to do!’” But she those self-centered, difficult people who reports that the stereotypes of the only are not used to sharing—didn’t hold child—those self-centered, difficult up,... people who are not used to sharing— didn’t hold up, either in their partnership or their interactions with the twenty-one writers whose work they included. (The book has essays by Rebecca Walker, John Hodgman, Amy Richards, Kathryn Harrison, Teller, and others). It was tricky finding out which writers were in fact only children, but once they identified a few, those writers were helpful (read: not selfish) in rustling up other Even if the stereotypes aren’t true, only children to contribute. though, Siegel and Uviller assert that

Even if the stereotypes aren’t true,

there is something different about

though, Siegel and Uviller assert that being an only child. there is something different about being an only child. The writers may or may not have liked the experience, depending, but Siegel says that there are some “commonalities,” like comfort with adults and having no “reality check”—no big sister to put you in your place. Uviller says, “I don’t really see regret …” and Siegel adds, “But I think there’s a lot of longing.”

“W

e sometimes joke that this is an impossible book: there are no control studies,” Uviller says. Some of the onlies have yearned for a sibling; others feel being an only child was a pretty sweet deal and even apologize to their kids for depriving them of the experience.

This longing, I think, maybe it’s the flip side of what I’m also looking for: to simultaneously know all the different ways families can work.

Does being an only child make you different? Uviller and Siegel say yes. “All

of the milestones you hit in life seem, at least from the outside, different— friendships, how you enter a relationship, the decision to have children,” Uviller says. “It is a different experience when your parents are dying.”

nd that’s an issue that gives me pause. “The issues of eldercare will come into play,” Siegel says of the growing only child population. “The sandwich generation becomes even more sandwiched.”

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But she also points out that the only-child-with-the-aging-parents situation can

go a lot of different ways. Looking at the twenty-one different essays about being an only child, Siegel concludes, “Your “The issues of eldercare will come into parents’ attitudes about onliness can shape your attitude about onliness.” play,” Siegel says of the growing only Siegel reports in her essay of feeling herchild population. self sort of stunted in her ability to be a grown-up because, as she puts it, she was “loved only too well.” She also points out that she’s just one person, not a spokesmodel for onlies everywhere.

“Your parents’ attitudes about onliness can shape your attitude about onliness.”

Uviller is at a crossroads, wondering how

big her own family should be. “Having the first kid was an easy decision,” she says. “I’m terrified I would screw up two. I love my first so much.”

I know what Daphne Uviller’s saying. There was a period in my life when I was

actually open to the second child, specifically open to adopting a toddler. My husband and I went round and round talking about it in hushed voices after Caleb went to bed, and I spent a good while immersed in books with titles like Adopting the Hurt Child. I trolled the Internet for information and happened on the profile of a little boy, a “waiting child” in the foster care system. He had big brown eyes shaped like my son’s and my father’s name, a family name. He belongs with us, I thought with surprising, sudden conviction. I should be his mother. Then, after a week, the little boy disappeared from the site—a happy ending for him, I hoped— but with him went my sudden urge for two. Without his picture, I had trouble envisioning another person in the mix. I could only see Caleb and his reactions to the new situation. It would, I realize, at least start as a loss for everyone involved, including the unseen toddler and the known quantity that is my Caleb boy. And it is, of course, the losses that my Caleb boy would experience—of time, of attention, of the cutting of slack—that made the door click shut and stay shut.

It’s true … but on the other hand, how precious is this? Haven’t parents been transforming their only child into a siblinged one since, oh, the beginning of time?

So here’s the other new drama that, I’m sorry to say, takes place entirely in my

head: the battling identifications I feel for only-child families (the one I helped make) and for bigger families (the one I’m from). When I read a book or listen to an interviewee talk about how special and unique only children are, part of me thinks, “Yep—that child of mine sure is special.”

But the other part of me bristles. The flip side of bigger families being normal is

that none of the siblings is special and unique. I can remember sitting with two of my sisters watching an only child we knew dance. We were bossed into it and expected to be as delighted with her performance as her parents were, as if we weren’t also children with our own talents. We were supposed to be the audience, the bland mass of the undifferentiated. There was some surreptitious eye rolling among us. This was not the only time we’d been treated as one mass of Niesslein Girls.

More and more, I’m thinking that the

stereotype of the only child can exist because there is such a thing as stereotypes of bigger families. Specifically, that bigger families are made up of homogenous clumps of DNA with the same interests, talents, modus operandi in life.

More and more, I’m thinking that the stereotype of the only child can exist because there is such a thing as stereotypes of bigger families.

I floated my theory to Carolyn White (who has a brother), and she agreed the

stereotype of the bigger family exists and that it’s bunk. “It’s not Little House on the Prairie,” where everyone always gets along beautifully. She points out that even in families with siblings, often one sibling gets the lion’s share of the work when the parents need eldercare. Worse, she says, sometimes the other siblings can just complicate matters by adding a layer of hysteria or second-guessing the other sibling’s decisions without contributing any help.

Toni Falbo says that in countries where poverty is a larger problem than it is

here, people see bigger families as hungry families—more kids equals “resource depletion.” Here, she says, we have the Cheaper By the Dozen mentality. More kids make for a better story. “With twelve, ten kids, you have more plots. It’s more entertaining,” she says.

It is more entertaining, at least in my case. I go to my mom’s house for holidays

where we all gather, and it’s huge, loud, crowded fun. We play games and sing with the karaoke machine and laugh and cook and watch Caleb and his cousins (all three only children) who dress up and play guitar and dance. There is some resource depletion—some of us will end up on the couches to sleep—but I love being part of this group of people, both siblings and onlies, who are each exceptional, normal, and maybe a little peculiar in a good way.

I also love when the three of us go

I love this neat little triangle of private home—the relative quiet of the house, jokes, small dinners, and resource surplus. the vast room for introspection, the feeling that we’re nimble, able to load the whole family into the car at a moment’s notice. I love this neat little triangle of private jokes, small dinners, and resource surplus.

I’m making it sound like a contest. It’s not at all. As it turns out, a particular fam-

ily size doesn’t guarantee any particular sort of life or any sort of person. That’s the way this story goes, anyway. O

JENNIFER NIESSLEIN is one of the co-founders of Brain, Child. Her book Practically Perfect in Every Way will be out in May 2007, and there is a website: PracticallyPerfectBook.com. There are other angles on this only child thing. If you’re interested in the environmental impact, Bill McKibben’s Maybe One is a good place to start. Also, Carolyn White’s “The Seven Common Sins of Parenting an Only Child,” For a good look at the economic implications of family size, check out Stacey Evers’s “Birth Dearth” in Brain, Child’s Summer 2005 issue.

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Parenting Pointers for

Singular Sensations Reprinted with permission from KIDS Magazine.

The only child has difficulties with every independent activity and, sooner or later, they become useless in life...” So believed esteemed psychologist Alfred Adler. And, about 1885, another psychologist, G. Stanley Hall., stated, “Being an only child is a disease in itself.” Useless? Diseased? I’ll show them useless! Yes, only children still must shake off stereotypes: Spoiled, selfish, lonely, unhappy, maladjusted, or shrinking violet tied to parents’ apron strings.

Here are positive labels for only children developed by Dr. Kevin Leman and others — reliable, responsible, conscientious, well-organized, serious, scholarly, high achieving, cautious, and conservative.

Don’t reinforce ingrained perfectionistic tendencies, and don’t be an “improver” on everything the child says or does. Go easy on reminding what he “should” be like.

Keep in mind that your child may receive concentrated doses of whatever you have to give: Love, criticism, anger, joy, fear.

Be aware of putting too many expectations on your child. With more than one child in the family, roles are diverse. With one, you may expect him/her to fill all shoes: Achiever, athlete, creative, etc.

While only children are adept at using their imagination in fantasy play and finding ways to entertain themselves, they tend to be less playful because of fewer opportunities for real play. Arrange for playmates for your child and make an extra effort if there aren’t other children your child’s age in the neighborhood. Evenings and summer vacations can be lonely times for a child with no siblings. Let your child invite friends to go on vacation or to come over and spend the night. Also allow your child to go to other children’s homes, particularly ones where there are siblings.

Treat your child as a child and encourage playfulness, silliness and risk-taking. Let your child know it’s okay to make mistakes and not be perfect.

Limit praise to what your child has actually done well. Too much praise for minor accomplishments gives a child a false sense of his or her abilities.

Don’t overindulge just because you are able to. Try to dispense the same amount of time, money, and attention to the child as you would if you were splitting it up among two or more children.

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Invasion of Privacy by Barbara Ruth-Williams

Several weeks ago, I had a very interesting discussion with some of our older

students, which led me to think about children and their “right to privacy”. As you might suspect, they all felt their privacy was invaded when parents check where their children are going on the Internet or read their e-mails. It was a fascinating discussion for me – particularly since I am past having adolescent children and can find humor in how grown-up 12-year-olds feel in comparison to how grown-up we know they actually are. However, those of you who have adolescents, children nearing that transformational age, probably find less humor in this situation than I do.

How much privacy to give a child – par-

How much privacy to give a child –

ticularly an adolescent - is probably one of particularly an adolescent - is probably the most difficult decisions a parent one of the most difficult decisions a makes. There is a fine line between too parent makes. much and not enough in this situation. And erring on either side can have serious repercussions. Too little supervision/concern/snooping/invasion (take your pick) can lead to eating disorders, drug addiction, pregnancy – even suicide. Too much oversight/control/suspicion/invasion (again take your pick) can easily lead to In my opinion the fine line in the the child having the attitude, “They think middle is one of careful watchfulness. I’m doing all sorts of bad stuff – I might as well do them.” In my opinion the fine line in the middle is one of careful watchfulness.

I do not think that children – especially adolescents - should have to “prove”

they are trustworthy – a difficult task, since in general they are not. As Anthony Wolf says in one of my most favorite books about adolescence, - Get Out of My Life, but First Could you Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall ?, “The reality of adolescence is that a lot of lying and sneaking around goes on. Teenagers lie regularly “The reality of adolescence is that a lot about the details of where they are going of lying and sneaking around goes and what they are going to do. They also on...” do many forbidden things that elude their parents’ discovery. About those infractions, there’s nothing parents can do. The Testing the limits, taking risks and issue is what to do when you do find out.”

The scary part here is that much of this is

unfortunately making mistakes is an important part of adolescence.

“developmentally appropriate.” Testing the limits, taking risks and unfortunately making mistakes is an important part of adolescence. Thinking back, most of you – even the goody-two-shoes among you - will probably admit to doing things your parents did not know about and of which they would not have approved. Most

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of those things your parents probably still do not know about. This is the good news and what every parent should hope for – deceptions that do not lead to consequences so significant that they come to your attention.

The trick then is to watch carefully, snoop advisedly and act only when it feels like there is real trouble brewing.

The trick then is to watch carefully, snoop

advisedly and act only when it feels like there is real trouble brewing. Easy, right? Well, there are no guarantees that even if you do everything “right” that your children will make only good choices, but there are things you can do to lessen the odds that the bad choices will be catastrophic.

1 - Continue to have family meals – at least several times a week, even as ❏ children enter adolescence. 2 - Do not ‘forbid” them from seeing ❏ anyone – this only makes that person so

Do not ‘forbid” them from seeing anyone – this only makes that person so much more attractive and they will find a way to see them in secret.

much more attractive and they will find a way to see them in secret. While still in elementary school you can invite this kid to your house where at least you can see what is going on, after middle school this doesn’t work as well, but it’s still worth a shot.

3 - Put the computer with Internet access in a public area. If you think your ❏ child needs a computer in his room for doing homework, make it one with no Internet access. Don’t think they won’t find a way around any parental block you put on the TV or Internet – this is not to say that you should not do this, simply that you shouldn’t believe it really works past the age of 10.

4 - Use “spying” judiciously – reading notes you find, checking Internet ❏ sites, listening in on conversations will most

Unless you have reason to believe your child is in serious trouble, doing too much snooping will only make you feel bad and your child angry.

certainly provide you with information you don’t like. Unless you have reason to believe your child is in serious trouble, doing too much snooping will only make you feel bad and your child angry. And if you can’t control yourself, keep what you hear/read to yourself.

5 - M ake your beliefs and limits crystal clear. There should be no doubt ❏ in your child’s mind about how you feel about unprotected sex, drink ing and driving, drug use or any other teenage activity that can kill her. And you need to make those things distinct and separate from sex in general, trying out drinking with friends and experimenting with less lethal drugs.

6 - Practice listening without judging or ❏ jumping to conclusions. A well practiced “Oh,” followed by “Tell me more,” no matter how provocative the statement, can stand you in good stead with teenagers. There is no need to comment on “Jenny’s having a party Friday night” until it is nearly Friday and the party is still on.

Make your beliefs and limits crystal clear. There should be no doubt in your child’s mind about how you feel about unprotected sex, drinking and driving, drug use or any other teenage activity that can kill them.

Realize that the vast majority of your children – like you – will do things they shouldn’t and still grow up to be responsible, trustworthy adults. C elebrate your children’s “bad” choices while they are young, as an

opportunity for learning and growth. Don’t try to keep them from suffering the negative consequences of an early choice – hungry if they forget their lunch, cold if they forget their sweater, etc. Because, surely, if you consistently protect them from the consequences of their actions, they will be expecting you to do the same thing when the stakes are higher and you are unable to do so. O

Barbara Ruth-Williams Assistant Head/Director of Admissions Village School, Pacific Palisades, California

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IS YOUR ONLY CHILD GIFTED? All parents know that their children are “special.” Since every child is a unique

creature with special talents and capabilities, it’s perfectly appropriate to include your child among those who are extraordinary, especially if they are only children. After all, only children spend an inordinate amount of time with adults. And, congratulations parents, you do a lot to make your only children remarkable. Think of all the hours you spend reading to your child, playing with him, devoting yourself to teaching him about the world. When there is only one child in the house, you can usually find the energy to answer those “urgent” questions: “How do airplanes stay up in the air when we can’t?” and, “Where does the gasoline go after we put it in the tank?” For the parent of an only child, such questions can receive immediate explanations. For the parent with two, three, or four children, they may have to wait until mom or dad rescues a little one from the death grip of a sibling or finishes cleaning up the squash one of the children has artistically smeared on the kitchen wall.

If you are certain that your only child is the next Pablo Picasso or Albert

Einstein, and you think that he or she should skip a year of pre-school and toddle right off to kindergarten or go directly from third grade to fifth, you might begin by comparing your observations with the characteristics of “giftedness” identified by educators and psychologists. Then, along with those professionals you can determine the kinds of programs best suited to your child. Because only children spend so much time in the company of adults and are so tuned into adult tastes and behavior, only children tend to be more verbally sophisticated than children with siblings. This can be a charming but misleading quality. A child who is bright and seemingly wise beyond his years, may be identified as an “able” learner. But not all “able” learners are “gifted.” Moreover, not all “gifted” children are “able” learners.

heila and Joseph Perino, authors of Parenting the Gifted, have developed a nononsense guide to help parents identify and encourage giftedness and talent in their children. They write that, “All children say clever and insightful things. What distinguishes gifted children is that they say them more often, with greater depth, and with more extensive elaboration.” And, of course, it’s not just what children say, but what they do that counts. The Perinos point out that gifted children are particularly adept at linking ideas and then generalizing from them. Very often this ability results in extraordinary performance in school, and such children are then identified as academically talented. Often, but certainly not always, these are the same children who score high (between 130-180) on standardized IQ tests. But such tests only measure a certain kind of intelligence. There are children who, from very young ages, exhibit extraordinary talents in art, music, sports, dance, writing, etc., yet may not test very well in mathematical reasoning. Their deficiency in math does not mean that they are not gifted in another specific area. Since every parent wants to do the best for his child from the beginning, how can a parent, identify the “gifted” from an early age? Most psychologists agree that some or many of the following characteristics are found in gifted children. Continued on page 28

Pierce Brosnan: 00n7y Child By Debra L. Eckerling

“P

eople’s” Sexiest Man Alive (2001) and one of the magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful People (1991 and 1996) is busier than ever. Pierce Brosnan’s reign as James Bond may be over, but that certainly hasn’t slowed him down. As this 53year-old only child enters 2007, he remains close to his family, and connected to his personal goals and professional aspirations.

Pierce Brendan Brosnan was born on May 16,

1953, in Drogheda, County Louth, Ireland. His parents, May and Thomas married on August 16, 1952. May was 19 when Brosnan was born, and his father left shortly thereafter. Although Brosnan and his birth father met again many years later, they never forged a close relationship. Strong, resilient, and self-sufficient, Brosnan would use these and other only-child characteristics in the challenges he would encounter in his youth and throughout his life.

Many only children live in an adult world and grow up earlier than other kids.

Brosnan was no exception. At the age of four, he moved in with his maternal grandparents, Philip and Kathleen Smith, so his mother could move to London and study nursing. When Brosnan was six, his grandparents died, and he was passed from relative to relative until finally Eileen Reilly took him into her boarding house. It wasn’t until age 11, that Brosnan moved to London and reunited with his mother.

In London, May met a man named Bill Carmichael who asked her to marry

him. She wanted and received her son’s approval before consenting. Carmichael treated Brosnan like a son and was the one who introduced him to movies, with which he was immediately taken. It’s what inspired him to take up acting. One of the first films the two saw together was the 1964 Bond film, “Goldfinger.”

In his youth, Brosnan didn’t fit in, partially due to his accent and background.

But it was his dual upbringing—first in Ireland, then in England—which made him so authentic in his international roles.

Brosnan started feeding his flare for drama in his teens. When he was 16, a

circus agent saw him as a fire eater and immediately hired him. The Drama Centre in London gave him training as an actor. While in London, Pierce performed in several West End stage productions, including Franco Zeffirelli’s “Fulimena” and Tennessee Williams’ “The Red Devil Battery Sign.” His only-child trait of powerful concentration certainly was a plus

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in his career choice. Another major artistic endeavor for him was—and still is—painting.

Although Pierce had first worked overseas,

and had a few roles in the United States, he really burst onto the American entertainment scene as the title character in the television show “Remington Steele” with actress Stephanie Zimbalist. His character was a ruggedly handsome reformed career criminal who became a private investigator. The handsome part was not a stretch. He was first offered the role of James Bond in 1986. But when contractual obligations kept him attached to “Remington Steele,” Pierce had to pass. It would be almost another decade— in 1994—before the role of James Bond would come to fruition. Brosnan is the one who revitalized the franchise when he starred in “GoldenEye” (1995). Timothy Dalton’s last installment—“”Licensed to Kill”—did so poorly, it stalled the series.

www.denimday.com

lthough Brosnan’s professional life continued to soar, his personal life had many ups and downs. In 1980, he married Australian actress Cassandra Harris and adopted her two children, Charlotte and Christopher, after their father died in 1986. The pair had a third child of their own: Sean, born September 13, 1983. On December 28, 1991, a day after their 11-year-wedding anniversary, Cassandra died of ovarian cancer. Devastated by yet another death of a loved one, Brosnan picked up the pieces as best he could. During Cassandra’s illness, he took to painting again, the profits of which were put into a trust to benefit his favorite causes. In 2006 he was the spokesperson for Lee National Denim Day, which raises more money in a single day for breast cancer research than any other cancer fundraiser.

rosnan met American journalist/model/actress Keely Shaye Smith in Mexico in 1994. The have two children together—Dylan Thomas, born on January 13, 1997, and Paris Beckett, born February 27, 2001, and were married on August 4, 2001 in Ballintubber Abbey, Ireland. The couple resides in Malibu, California but also has homes in Hawaii and North Dublin.

Brosnan has received recognition throughout the world. He was awarded a star

on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (1997); an honorary OBE (Order of the British Empire) by Queen Elizabeth II for his outstanding contribution to the British film industry—the official honor is awarded only to citizens of Britain or the Commonwealth of Nations member countries (2003); and honorary doctorates from the Dublin Institute of Technology (2003) and University of Cork, Ireland (2004). On September 23, 2004, Brosnan became a naturalized US citizen but retained his Irish citizenship. Just last August he was honored in his homeland with a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Irish Film and Television

Academy, one of many Irish honors bestowed upon him.

ilm, miniseries, theatre, art, audio commentary, Brosnan has practiced his craft in various mediums and genres throughout his career. Creativity is a major attribute of only children. Never a creature of habit—nor one to want to be typecast—Brosnan insisted on doing other projects in between Bond films. He did many additional films in the years he portrayed Bond, including “Dante’s Peak” and “The Tailor of Panama.”

Mainstream, independent, big-

Pierce attended the OBE ceremony with his granddaughter Isabella, his daughter in law Charlotte, his son Christopher, his stepfather Bill, his mother May, and son Sean. photo:www.showbizireland.com

budgets and small, Brosnan believes that participation in his art "I feel privileged to have been recognised by is most important. Also he likes variety, so he has acted in many Her Majesty the Queen with this Award. I comedies, including “Mrs. am touched by this unexpected honour."... Doubtfire and “Mars Attacks.” In "In my life, I am fortunate to be surrounded 1996, Brosnan and producing by passionate and courageous individuals partner Beau St. Clair started a whose tireless efforts are an inspiration to me production company, called Irish both personally and professionally. I hope I Dream Time, which has produced “The Nephew” (1998), “The will continue to fulfill their expectations for Thomas Crown Affair” (1999), many years to come." “Evelyn” (2002), “Laws of Attraction” (2004), “The Matador” (2005) (for which Brosnan was nominated for a Golden Globe for Best Actor in a Musical or Comedy for his portrayal of an assassin), and the upcoming, “Butterfly on a Wheel,” a psychological thriller.

After four Bond films—“GoldenEye” (1995), “Tomorrow Never Dies”

(1997), “The World is Not Enough” (1999), and “Die Another Day” (2002), he was replaced as 007 by Daniel Craig for the remake of “Casino Royale.” Although it was not his choice to be replaced (his fifth film option simply was not picked up), Brosnan turned his attention to other projects; he just moved on. Only children tend to be self-motivated and don’t like to stand still.

rosnan’s latest project, “Seraphim Falls,” is an epic action/thriller set against the backdrop of the American Civil War, that will be released this month. It was shot entirely on location in Taos and Santa Fe. The film “Marriage,” a period piece set in Seattle in 1949, will also to be released this year.

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Pierce Brosnan - Actor The November Man (2007) (in production) Caitlin (2006) (in production) - John Malcolm Brinnin The Topkapi Affair (2007) (announced) - Thomas Crown Marriage (2007) (post-production) - Richard Butterfly on a Wheel (2007) (completed) - Tom Ryan Seraphim Falls (2006) - Gideon The Matador (2005) - Julian Noble After the Sunset (2004) - Max Burdett Laws of Attraction (2004) - Daniel Rafferty James Bond 007: Everything or Nothing (2003) - James Bond Die Another Day (2002) - James Bond Evelyn (2002) - Desmond Doyle The Tailor of Panama (2001) - Andrew ‘Andy’ Osnard The World Is Not Enough (1999) - James Bond Grey Owl (1999) - Archie Grey Owl The Match (1999) - John MacGhee The Thomas Crown Affair (1999) - Thomas Crown Tomorrow Never Dies (1999) (VG) (voice) - James Bond The Nephew (1998) - Joe Brady Quest for Camelot (1998) (voice) - King Arthur Tomorrow Never Dies (1997) - James Bond Robinson Crusoe (1997) - Robinson Crusoe Dante’s Peak (1997) - Harry Dalton Mars Attacks! (1996) - Professor Donald Kessler The Mirror Has Two Faces (1996) - Alex GoldenEye (1995) - James Bond Night Watch (1995) (TV) - Michael ‘Mike’ Graham Love Affair (1994) - Ken Allen Don’t Talk to Strangers (1994) (TV) - Patrick Brody The Broken Chain (1993) (TV) - Sir William Johnson Mrs. Doubtfire (1993) - Stuart ‘Stu’ Dunmeyer Death Train (1993) (TV) - Michael ‘Mike’ Graham Entangled (1993) - Garavan

Live Wire (1992) - Danny O’Neill The Lawnmower Man (1992) - Dr. Lawrence Angelo ”Running Wilde” (1992) TV Series - Wilde Victim of Love (1991) (TV) - Paul Tomlinson Murder 101 (1991) (TV) - Charles Lattimore Mister Johnson (1990) - Harry Rudbeck The Heist (1989) (TV) - Neil Skinner ”Around the World in 80 Days” (1989/I) (mini) TV Series - Phileas Fogg The Deceivers (1988) - William Savage Taffin (1988) - Mark Taffin “Noble House” (1988) (mini) TV Series - Ian Dunross The Fourth Protocol (1987) - Valeri Petrofsky/James Edward Ross “Remington Steele” - Remington Steele (94 episodes, 1982-1987) “Moonlighting” - Remington Steele (1 episode, 1987) Remington Steele: The Steele That Wouldn’t Die (1987) (TV) - Remington Steele Nomads (1986) - Jean Charles Pommier “Nancy Astor” (1982) (mini) TV Series - Robert ‘Bob’ Gould Shaw “Play for Today” (1 episode, 1982) “The Manions of America” (1981) (mini) TV Series - Rory O’Manion The Mirror Crack’d (1980) (uncredited) - Actor playing ‘Jamie’ The Long Good Friday (1980) - 1st Irishman “Hammer House of Horror” - Last Victim (1 episode, 1980) “The Professionals” - Radio Man (1 episode, 1980) Resting Rough (1979) Murphy’s Stroke (1979) (TV) - Edward O’ Grady Producer The 1 Second Film (2007) (in production) (producer) The Topkapi Affair (2007) (announced) (producer) Butterfly on a Wheel (2007) (completed) (executive producer) The Matador (2005) (producer) Laws of Attraction (2004) (executive producer) Evelyn (2002) (producer) The Match (1999) (executive producer) The Thomas Crown Affair (1999) (producer) The Nephew (1998) (producer)

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Continued from page 22

gifted child? Gifted children are highly alert and observant From their early infancy, gifted children seem totally involved in what goes on around them. Your infant may follow your every movement. Sometimes even when you are not looking directly at your child, you can feel his eyes on you. Your infant is highly alert and responsive to stimuli. Your child walks earlier than most (between 6 and 8 months) Gifted children do more than mimic the way adults speak.Verbally gifted children collect words and often use them in original and complex ways. Gifted children are often avid collectors. Some collect rocks, minerals, comics, fossils. They like to sort and catalogue. Some, but not all, gifted children are early readers. Gifted children can become intrigued with counting and invent creative ways to do it. Many gifted children seem to possess remarkable memories. They remember things that happened long ago and their memory for detail is excellent. If your child is gifted, you may notice that he seems to require less sleep than other children. Your child may choose to spend time with older children or adults. Gifted children are often idealistic and intense. They may believe from an early age that they have a calling, a destiny to fulfill, and they need to get on with it. Gifted children have a sense of humor. If your only child has at least a few of these characteristics, he could certainly be gifted, and you need to be involved in fostering his academic growth and creativity. You can have your child tested to find out just what his strengths are and then work with your school system to place him in the educational setting that works best for him. What you want to remember at all times is that while you may indeed have a gifted child, you may not have a child who is as emotionally mature as children older than he. Because each child is an individual, you need to carefully assess your child’s strengths and weaknesses. Don’t push your child into social situations that are more than he can handle, and don’t let him languish in rigid academic environments. Provide a home life that fosters creativity, then watch your child’s “gifts,” whatever they are, grow and develop. While it is probably true that giftedness can’t be taught, it certainly can be nurtured and cultivated. And no one can do that better than the devoted parents of an only child.

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THE EMPTY NEST: When the only child departs your care by Carl Pickhardt Ph.D. www.carlpickhardt.com

It’s important to understand when the only

child moves away from home, that “the empty nest” is a two-way loss. There is loss for you, and there is loss for your child as well.

It’s important to understand when the only child moves away from home, that “the empty nest” is a two-way loss.

he family will feel “emptier” without the comings and goings of your only child to fill up your daily lives. Mourning this loss with your spouse or family if you are a single parent, is healthy. However, don’t express heartache to your child who may feel burdened by guilt: “My leaving is only causing my parents pain.” The antidote to parental

grief over the empty nest is gratitude.

he antidote to parental grief over the empty nest is gratitude. If you feel bereft it is because you have been blessed with so much to miss. By celebrating the gifts of family history, you can put pain into positive perspective: “What wonderful growing up years we have had together!”

Certainly, the physical absence of your child causes a lack that you must fill.

You can do so by claiming two kinds of freedom that loss always creates — freedom from and freedom for. You can claim some freedom from old parental responsibility by turning more independence over to your child. Relieved, you can declare: “Now it’s your job to keep your own schedule and see that you get enough rest, not ours.” And you can claim some freedom for what daily parenting did not allow before. Liberated, you can declare: “Now we can be freer with each other and more out in the world since we no longer have a child at home.”

hose parents who refuse to claim freedom from may insist on exercising old control in the child’s new locale to ensure all is going well, holding on when Those parents who refuse to claim they need to let go. Wonders the child: freedom from may insist on exercising “How am I going to learn independence with my parents still supervising how I old control in the child’s new locale to do?” ensure all is going okay, holding on

As for those parents who refuse to

when they need to let go.

claim freedom for by keeping the child at the center of their daily concern, instead of creating an independent life for themselves they end up holding on to this preoccupation when they need to let go. Wonders the child: “If their life is still all about me, how am I ever going to feel free to leave?”

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The empty nest creates loss for their child as well. Only children tend to be very well parented. Part of that adequacy is being

strongly attached to those who have provided such conscientious care over the years.

This is why there can be disconnection fears for the only child at the departure point. “Will I make it without you there?” “Will you miss me when I’m gone?” “Will you be okay without me here?” “Will you be there for me if I have need?” “Will you keep me adequately informed?” “Will you want to hear from me when I’m away?” “Will you welcome my visit back home when I return?”

It is by answering such anxious questions with reassurance that parents encour-

age separation from family that many only children find scary to make. “Of course we will miss you and we’ll always be happy to see you!” With affirmation of With affirmation of family standing family standing and parental love, the child and parental love, the child feels feels able to brave those normal fears that able to brave those normal fears that leaving home can bring.

leaving home can bring.

t also helps if you explain how separation in no way severs your old relationship, but builds upon it instead. To your history of love for each other it adds freedom of independence from each other, creating the mix required for your adult friendship to grow. This friendship can only be claimed if parents and child let go of old dependencies between them.

What facilitates this redefinition is the

What facilitates this redefinition is willingness to treat your child as an adult. You do this by shifting more willingness to treat your child as adult. self-governing and self-support responsibility to the young person and by altering your traditional parent role – from being the manager of your child’s world to becoming mentor in the young adult’s life. No longer in the business of regulating your child’s decisions, now you stand ready to help inform that decision-making with your more seasoned life experience if asked. This is your role as mentor: not to rescue, but to advise.

nd you will be asked so long as your child can come to you without fear of criticism or control. Having chosen his or her way into trouble, the child seeks consultation from you about how to choose a way out. Now there is two-way respect between you. You respect your child’s right to make decisions and to recover from missteps; your child respects the wisdom from more life experience you have to offer, much of that wisdom learned from making youthful mistakes of your own.

Now there is two-way respect between you. You respect your child’s right to make decisions and to recover from missteps; your child respects the wisdom from more life experience you have to offer, much of that wisdom learned from making youthful mistakes of your own.

The empty nest is a beginning, not an end. It is a time to look forward, not back. It is a time to redefine the relationship with your child on more independent and equal terms. Most important, it is a time to begin building a mature friendship with each other to enjoy the remainder of your adult lives. O C

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DEAR ONLY CHILD The Most Loving Child I live in South Africa and only recently came across your website. I am a single mom of an only child. Jason is eleven-years-old, and the most loving child a mother could ask for. He is polite and has wonderful manners. Everywhere we go he makes friends and people love him. I am so proud of my child. Recently he expressed his concerns at being an only child He said that one day he won’t have anyone to talk to, or if I die he won’t have any family etc. I didn’t know how to respond. I just said, “Don’t worry baby, there are lots of only children out there, and many of them are famous people. But even if you don’t turn out to be famous, you will still be special.” Also, I told him that because he is so loved by everyone he will always have someone out there who loves him a lot. I explained that it is very important to be loyal to your friends and limit making enemies because one day your friends will be there for you just like a brother or a sister. He shrugged his shoulders, told me that I was probably right, and never mentioned it again. I am still worried though. I hope with all my heart that Jason stays the wonderful child he is now, I’m scared about when he turns 13 and perhaps starts up the wrong road. How can I avoid this? How can I keep my perfect child perfect! It looks like you are doing a fine job raising your son. I understand your son’s fears because my daughter had some of the same ones. It’s great that your son is so open about his feelings so the two of you can talk them over. It’s important for your son to cultivate friends, which is something that only children are actually pretty good at doing. Keep encouraging him to maintain those friendships. Also, it’s a good idea for you to let him know exactly what your arrangements are for him should anything happen to you. I think that you will be surprised at how much more secure this makes him feel. Also, you should cultivate an “extended family” of adults that he knows he will be able to rely on. You don’t say any-

thing about your family, but if your son has cousins, they can also be excellent support for him as he grows older. I understand your fears about the difficult teenage years, but as long as you are clear about your values, but not unduly restrictive, your son won’t push the envelope too far. Yes, he is going to try things, all kids do, but only children won’t push so far as to damage the relationship with their parents if it’s a good one. You are your son’s lifeline and he knows it. In preparation for teenage-hood, you will get a lot out of reading “Get Out of My Life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall? ”You can find it on Amazon. Keep up the good work!

Help Along The Way I signed up for my subscription to “Only Child” yesterday after exploring your web site. I have already devoured the materials you sent me and can’t wait for the next issue. The thoughtful writing regarding the topic of only children, the pitfalls parents can fall into, what it’s like to be an only child, etc. is just what I was looking for. My husband and I have been trying, unsuccessfully, to have a second child. We’ve recently decided it’s time to stop attempting to grow our family and focus on what we already are – a wonderful family of three! I firmly believe that life would be different with another child in the family, but not necessarily better. I hope that in the future, when my son asks or wishes for a sibling, I can explain it to him that way. I think your magazine will help him and me along the way.

That Internal Voice I am French, married to an Italian, and we live in South Wales, UK with our nearly four-year-old daughter. We moved around quite a lot because I used to have a job that involved travelling abroad. When our daughter was born I took a part-time job involving no travel, but I got bored very quickly due to the lack of intellectual stimulation and international dealings. We moved again, and I decided to do a Master’s degree part-time, which is leading me toward

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a big career change. This will allow me to be there for my daughter but still get the intellectual stimulation I need. After a period of adaptation i.e. not having financial independence, I have found a very nice balance in my life and my daughter is very happy too. I keep receiving compliments from friends about how lovely she is. I am nearly 38 and my husband would like another child, but deep inside I don’t want one. However, I feel guilty about my daughter missing a sibling relationship. Anyway, I don’t believe that it’s right to become pregnant if the mother does not really want a child. Hence, despite all the external pressures, e.g. parents who want one to avoid the only child thing, am I right to stick to my internal voice? I felt a sense of relief when I read your website. Thanks!! That internal voice is absolutely the one you should listen to. If you are happy with the size of your family and the way that your career works for you, stay with it. You should only have another child because you want one, not to give your child a sibling. After all, the truth is that many of us who have siblings aren’t close to them when we grow up. And they may not even be there as support to help out with elderly parents. Only children frequently find that they are closer to their friends than they would be to siblings. My own daughter met her best friend 24 years ago when they were in pre-school. They clicked right away and at 27 are still closer than most sisters. So, don’t let your husband talk you into anything that doesn’t feel right to you. Follow your heart and you can’t go wrong.

Need For Constant Attention Perhaps this isn’t an only child issue, or maybe it is. I have a sensitive only child three-year- old boy... not potty trained, so he isn’t in preschool at the moment. We do have different classes during the week: art, gym, and reading. I’ve been noticing that he never wants to leave my side at home. He wants me to play with him constantly, and if I don’t play with him, he claims he can’t play by himself and then watches TV or plays a computer game instead until I’m free. He also has sleep issues and doesn’t want me to leave him alone in his room at bedtime.

He calls for me in the middle of the night to “watch” him, etc. I’ve been telling him I can “see” him from my room, and so far that’s worked to allow me to leave his room at night. On the flip side, when we are out he is constantly walking or running away from me. If we are sitting at a restaurant, he wants to sit at the next table, or he will walk around. If we are at a reading at the library, he is the only child who walks around or crawls around. It’s gotten so I’ve told him that we are leaving if he can’t sit still for the story, but I’m not sure he really wants to be there anyway. I just bring him there because he needs socialization, and they have crafts after the stories (which he doesn’t seem to care about either). This behavior confuses me because I always thought kids stayed with their mothers in public. But that seems not to be the case I also feel that trying to keep him with me is fueling his fears at night about being alone. How can I stop this cycle? Or is this just a three-year-old contrary phase? P.S. As a parent I still feel a loss for him not having a sibling... I used to be afraid of being in my room as a child, but I shared mine with my sister, so I knew I could rely on her. But I can’t give that advice to my only. How can I work to rid myself of this feeling of loss so that I can be the best for my child? I think that having had siblings it’s harder for parents of onlies to understand what it’s like. I’ve read your book and have just started a subscription. You don’t mention a partner or any family, so I assume that you are raising your son on your own. Three-year-old boys are not known for their long attention spans or ability to sit still. At that age my own daughter had difficulty maintaining composure for any real length of time in a restaurant. She also liked to socialize with the other diners and would start conversations with them before I got to her and explained that we would have to leave the restaurant if she persisted in that behavior. It sounds like your little boy is just dying to be around other kids on a more regular basis. Until he is potty trained, try to find a playgroup through your religious organization or the YMCA. Also, see if there is a Mom’s Group in your neighborhood that you can join to build relationships for both you and your child. If your child is demanding attention from you and refuses to go it alone for short

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amounts of time (three-year-olds can’t keep that up for long), don’t give in, but don’t use TV and video games as substitutes). Keep TV to a minimum and permit video games on a very limited basis. Those things can be rewards for positive behavior, Instead, encourage your son to build with blocks or Legos or sit down with books. A three-yearold boy needs lots of physical activity, and any way that you can provide that on a daily basis will make a big difference. Many three-yearolds have sleep issues, but be firm about not allowing him to leave his bed or interrupt your sleep. You should read “The Answer is No” by Cynthia Whitham. You can find it on Amazon. Good luck.

Our Family Situation I am a 35-year-old only child with a fifteen-month-old little girl who will, most likely be an only child. I am estranged from both my parents for numerous reasons – mostly their destructive lifestyle and subsequent behavior towards me. So my partner and I are a small self-sufficient family. His family lives interstate – they visit regularly but will, for the foreseeable future, have a close but geographically distant relationship with our daughter. Could you please recommend some books we can read? I would like to address some of the concerns I have with regard to our family situation. On one hand, I am glad that our daughter will be free from the judgments and negative dynamics families can inflict on each other, even the normal ones, but I am concerned that she will be isolated and lonely. Your daughter won’t be isolated or lonely if you make a conscious effort to build an extended family of friends for her. Have close friends over to dinner and celebrate holidays with them if at all possible. Establish relationships with other parents of young children through parenting groups or your religious organization. In other words, use all means possible to cultivate your own family group. I did it, so I know that it can be done. As your daughter gets older, she will make her own dear friends who will be there for the rest of her life.

Smothering Mother Consequences My boyfriend is an only child who grew up with one parent. His father died when he was four and his mother never remarried. His mother has smothered him and still does. I want to know if it’s going to be possible to have a future together. I am the youngest of five and was pretty spoiled myself. Your long-term relationship could be VERY rocky (if it isn’t already) at best. Your boyfriend’s mother has probably, unwittingly sacrificed his emotional independence for her inability to move on. Since you recognize that you are “pretty spoiled” as well, I assume that you want the relationship to work. You might suggest couples therapy to your boyfriend. I was pretty sure that I already knew the answer, but I wanted confirmation from a knowledgeable outside source. I’m afraid we’re both too needy and demand so much attention that we just cancel each other out. My boyfriend is too self absorbed and self centered for me to handle. I’ve helped everyone else all my life that now I’m being selfish and just want someone to take care of me. Thank you for answering me.

Will Not Judge Others I would like to know if you have any helpful resources for special needs parents who have an only child. My wife is a young mom ( 29 years old), and she has concerns that her disability (severe polio and scoliosis) will have an adverse effect on our three- year- old daughter. I’m of the opinion that our daughter will grow up to be a compassionate, caring person, who will not judge others based on their appearance. You are absolutely right! Your daughter will grow up to be more caring and compassionate than most kids. She will also have more patience. All great qualities! You may find resources through your wife’s doctors and medical services regarding child support groups. Your daughter should be involved with her peers and understand that every family is different.

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She’ll be fine. Don’t leave her out of the process as far as your wife’s disabilities are concerned, although you don’t want to expose her to more than she can handle at her age. A good family therapist can be very helpful to all of you. Also, try this web-site for assistance. http://www.lookingglass.org/parents/

The “Right” Only Child I was married for 51 years to a wonderful only child. She died a year and two months ago. We have four children, four grandchildren and one great grandchild. It would be impossible to find a more loving wife, mother, mother-in-law, and grandmother than Jody. She gave of herself, 110%, to her family. She was involved in many activities and often headed them for the benefit of the kids and thoroughly enjoyed them. Each child has grown into remarkable adults and each has a loving, solid relationship with their spouse. All of this “only child” concern that some people have is unnecessary if you find the right “only child”. You are a wise man, and you are certainly correct. It’s all about the right person whether it’s an only child or not.

Very Alone I am a 45-year-old female only child. I have a longstanding marriage of 21 years and have two sons ages ten and seven. My youngest son has a brain injury. Four years ago I lost my 71-year-old mother quite suddenly (only three months notice) to cancer. She was my only living relative. She too had been an only child, a choice made by my grandmother in the face of WWII, perhaps similar to the choice my career oriented mother made after WWII. My father died when I was 18 of a brain tumor. My mother was the child of an immigrant family from

Latvia, and her parents’ parents lived with us in Australia, so I had a rich childhood with adult company. But suddenly in middle age I feel very alone. I feel I have nobody to help pass my children their heritage. My husband has a large family but his parents are not the grand parenting type. His mother returned to live in her birthplace of Lithuania when independence came in 1991. His father is 84 and lives in Melbourne. The other relations also live in Melbourne. Suddenly in middle age I feel I have nobody of my own to offer my children. I try to cultivate my Latvian culture. I take my children to Latvian School to nurture their cultural heritage. I am a strong personality, perhaps a result of being an only child, but I have no connections left, nobody to relate to, nobody who understands where I have come from. Suddenly in middle age I want to tell people not to have just one child. When a young adult loses a parent (your father) it can be even more traumatic than a loss that occurs when a child is younger. Kids can feel betrayed that their parent won’t be there to see them married and meet their grandchildren. I’m sure that losing your mother without adequate time to prepare left a lot of open wounds. Moreover, probably having a child with special perhaps isolates you further. So, you are angry about having been left alone…but you aren’t alone. You have your own family and community. Can I assume that if there is a Latvian school for your kids there is also a Latvian church through which you can seek support? Also, you might consider grief counseling to deal with your feelings about your losses. I don’t think that being an only child is the real source of your problem. Siblings do not guarantee that you will be understood or supported. Sharing a history is not the most important thing in life, but being loved is. That’s where your husband and children come in. Please consider counseling.

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A Time To Reflect WOW! I happened upon your site this morning and now I have to leave the house, but I just know Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll be thinking about what I read all day long! Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m a 52- year-old woman who is an only child. I have been married for 31 years to a man who is number four in a family of thirteen. At certain times in life I have been called to reflect upon growing up alone and right now happens to be one of them. When I read the letters on your web site I had tears in my eyes. This is one site I must bookmark, for sure. What a wonderful idea this Dear Only Child is. I love it

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A Prayer for Children By MARIAN WRIGHT EDELMAN

We pray for children Who sneak popsicles before supper, Who erase holes in math workbooks, Who can never find their shoes. And we pray for those Who stare at photographers from behind barbed wire, Who can’t bound down the street in a new pair of sneakers, Who never “counted potatoes,” Who are born in places we wouldn’t be caught dead, Who never go to the circus, Who live in an X-rated world. We pray for children Who bring us sticky kisses and fistfuls of dandelions, Who hug us in a hurry and forget their lunch money. And we pray for those Who never get dessert, Who have no safe blanket to drag behind them, Who watch their parents watch them die, Who can’t find any bread to steal, Who don’t have any rooms to clean up, Whose pictures aren’t on anybody’s dresser, Whose monsters are real. We pray for children Who spend all their allowance before Tuesday, Who throw tantrums in the grocery store and pick at their food, Who like ghost stories, Who shove dirty clothes under the bed and never rinse out the tub,

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Who get visits from the tooth fairy, Who don’t like to be kissed in front of the carpool, Who squirm in church or temple and scream in the phone, Whose tears we sometimes laugh at and whose smiles can make us cry. And we pray for those Whose nightmares come in the daytime, Who will eat anything, Who have never seen a dentist, Who aren’t spoiled by anybody, Who go to bed hungry and cry themselves to sleep, Who live and move, but have no being. We pray for children who want to be carried and for those who must, For those we never give up on and for those who don’t get a second

chance. For those we smother, And for those who will grab the hand of anybody kind enough to offer it.

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www.childrensdefense.org

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