tots

amount of other changes happening and try to keep your tot’s routine close to normal.

There might be some bumps in the road as the new baby enters your tot’s world, but remember to keep things in perspective and when you have the opportunity make some tot and mama only time. That can be the best medicine to keep your tot trudging up the mountain of tot-hood.

Sshhhh…do you hear it? From the depths of the hallway it starts quietly and gains strength. “MAAAA-MOM!!!

Bobby called me a duck! MAAAA-MOM!!! Bobby left the bathroom door open! MAAAA-MOM!!! Bobby’s in my room!” And there it is…the dreaded TATTLETALE has invaded your home!!!

i’m telling

The good news? Your tattling preschooler is right on schedule. During the ages of three to five, our preschoolers understand there is right and wrong. The bad news? They have trouble with the grey areas. That is where it can get annoying for us mamas because we don’t want to hear about every little thing someone does that crosses the path of your watching preschooler. For your preschooler, his moral compass kicks in when he sees things being done the wrong way or things that frustrate him. Brother takes his toy, sister calls him a name, or mama didn’t eat all her veggies [oh ya, no one gets a free pass] are all fair game. How can we expect him to keep these atrocities quiet? Of course there are times you want your preschooler telling you things, especially when someone could get hurt. The key is helping him decipher those times and teach him conflict resolution:

• what’s your motivation When your preschooler comes to tell you something [tattle], make sure you understand the situation. A tattle is one sibling trying to get another in trouble and that is what you need to have your preschooler understand. Ask him why he is telling you this. Is it to get his sister in trouble? Get him to think about his actions.

• nice job, rule follower When your preschooler comes to you with a tattle involving the breaking of a “rule,” praise his rule-following vigor and leave it at that. Then tell him he needs to work it out with his sibling and you’re not getting involved. Watch yourself that you don’t run to the tattletale’s rescue unnecessarily. That will only reinforce the tattling behavior.

• monkey see Mama got a tendency to gossip and talk about others? Watch out! Your preschooler can interpret this as tattling and no one, I repeat NO ONE, likes a 30, 40-something tattletale…very unattractive.

Some sibling fighting with your big kid is to be expected. None of it is ever fun for you, but put it in the close quarters of a moving vehicle and it’s a recipe to go absolutely bonkers! If only your mode of transportation was equipped with one of those screens in a limo that separates the driver from the passengers. Ahhhh…wouldn’t that be heaven?

You Wanna Walk

Every mama’s tolerance to kiddo fighting differs. That level of tolerance can also change in the car, because let’s face it…you can’t get away! Here are some tips to keep the quarreling [and your sanity] in check:

• here’s the deal Set expectations. Start with where everyone will sit. Then get into the no fighting rules. And if you have had a tough day and know your nerves are already worn thin put your big kids on notice the minute they get in the car. None of that on this ride!

• look over there Distraction can be a blessing. Sure, you can pop in a DVD, but try some conversation or car games. Get them thinking about something other than the sibling sitting a few feet away who is breathing so annoyingly.

• use your inside voice As the volume in the backseat raises, try your best to keep yours within normal limits. Keep your cool best you can.

• don’t make me Feel free to make irrational, brutal threats…in your head only! Blowing your stack is not going to help. Count to ten and address the situation. If the fighting is really out of control, don’t try to referee while driving and staring in the rearview mirror. An accident isn’t worth it. Pull over to address the situation. Let your kiddos know their fighting is distracting and you will not move the car until they can stop. Even if it means you are going to be late. You need to address the situation.

Time to Clean Out the Closets?

Brothers and sisters. Same mama and daddy. Same environment and experiences. Makes sense that they are so much alike…NOT! Different kiddos means, well, different kiddos! Don’t get caught in the trap of thinking your tweener is or should be like his sibling. Not fair, mama!

i am who i am

As a parent of more than one kiddo, you have to be this ever-changing leader of future upstanding citizens. Each kiddo learns differently, has a different personality, and thinks about things differently, so you need to be an effective parent for each. One big disservice you can do to your tweener is comparing him to his sibling. Talk about a blow to the ol’ self esteem. Here are some things to keep in mind before you throw out a, “Can’t you be more like your brother?”

• i’ll call you Because our kiddos are so different, it can be easy to see certain skills or traits each child excels in. That’s great, but refrain from attaching labels [the social one, the athlete, the scholar, etc.] to your differing kiddos. Labeling can increase competitiveness amongst siblings and also make one kiddo feel less than his sibling in certain areas.

• a for effort Yes, your kiddos are going to have varying degrees of success in different areas, so reward effort as much as outcomes. And don’t forget attitude. A positive attitude can get you far in life, so be sure to reinforce it when it appears positively.

• perspective in sight Being best in your class but second at home can be tough to swallow. Help your tweener keep things in perspective. If he has a sibling who is extremely gifted in an area, acknowledge that both of their performances are something to be proud of.

• no i in team Early on in your family life, work to be each other’s biggest cheerleaders. Celebrate the accomplishments of each kiddo and get the kiddos cheering for each other.

Yep, your kiddos are individuals all the way. So don’t forget to treat them that way.

Need to get out. Errands, work meeting, date night, whatever it might be, you’ll enjoy it because it is “out.” But wait! Who will watch the kiddos? And it starts: the calls, emails, and texts searching for the mature teen looking to make a few extra bucks. Hold the phone… you have one right under your noses…don’t you?

large & in charge

Finding a good sitter is golden! Someone who is responsible, attentive to your kiddos, and liked by the kiddos is a huge lifesaver. Being able to leave your home confident you will return to the same kiddos and the house will be in good standing is great. Now that your teen is older, can you expect him to be the sitter of his younger siblings? Sure! If some things can be agreed upon:

• ready or not Just because he may be “old enough” doesn’t mean he will be a good sitter to his siblings. Maturity has to be there to assure he can handle things while the queen is gone. The sitter is there to handle things if something goes wrong. Can your teen do that? If not, keep the sitter outside the family. And if your teen is completely against babysitting, be careful how hard you push. Forcing him in could create an un-enjoyable experience for all.

• no world wars allowed How do your kiddos normally get along? If they fight and it can get really aggressive, don’t expect that to change because you are gone. Putting one sibling in charge of the other can be like throwing gas on the fire and it has nothing to do with the age of your teen. The younger sibling may be just fine with the authority given to an outside sitter of the same age. But given to his brother or sister, the situation could turn bad quickly.

• in the know If your teen is going to be doing the sitting, treat the situation like you would with an outside sitter. He needs to know all the emergency contacts and numbers, the care needs of each child, and that he is actually watching his siblings and not supposed to be on his phone or playing video games the whole time. He’s the sitter and needs to act like it. He’s responsible for them all.

When the queen is gone and the teen is in charge, expect some stumbles. But if everyone plays a part in successful time away, praise your teen sitter as well as the obeying siblings.

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Who is Sally?

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story by | deb uglem

Iknew it was inevitable. It had been building for years; 42, to be exact. But now it is official: I am in my forties. They say 40 is the new 30. So I guess I should be heading into these “wonderful” years with a smile on my face—easier said than done. Each year my birthday party gets a little smaller. Funny how things started changing and I didn’t see it coming.

I am now carrying cheater glasses and on weekends I read the paper from beginning to end. I am scheduling appointments for hair coloring, hair removal [frequently], and mammograms. I find myself watching infomercials about face creams and I apply eye cream nightly, which is something that I never had time for in my thirties. I am concerned about crazy things like what my lawn looks like and the weather. Not to mention now it takes days to recover from a night out with friends. And if I had a dime for every time I was called ma’am—well, let’s just say I would have a lot of dimes! All of the sudden this is the new me.

The result of these changes is me hitting another tipping point. I have had several in my 42 years and most of them are directly related to motherhood. Professionally they are easy to recognize. For a writer it is when the reader “gets it” and in marketing it’s the point where sales increase. But as a mom and women it is easy to not see the forest for the trees. We get overwhelmed with the detail and we hit a breaking point. When I was younger I would second guess and over analyze everything from naptimes to my jean size. I would obsess and over extend myself for family and friends. I worried about how people perceived my parenting, relationships, and career. I know now that I missed moments by being over concerned with how things may work out. It was frustrating. Well, I have lived enough to believe that with age comes wisdom.

I realize now that this most recent tipping point has been my favorite. That’s right! I’m glad am aging. Through all these crazy changes in my body and mind I found my confidence. I cannot pinpoint the exact date it arrived but this confidence boost has had a huge effect on me. The self-assurance has given me an understanding of who I am, and once you know that it’s easier to express yourself. Now don’t get me wrong; I am not totally confident all the time. No one can expect to be, but I am finding as I get older I feel it more and more. The results are eye-opening. I realize now that I will never quit learning how to be a parent. The decisions I make, regardless if they are right or wrong, will teach my children how to be better people. I have even accepted my jean size. I have let my guard down and have closer relationships with my husband, family, and friends. They know me and still love me!

So here’s to aging gracefully. I know it’s easy to get bogged down running a house and looking after your family. But it requires more energy to not be you. It can be emotionally and even physically draining to convince yourself you did something wrong or made a poor decision. It’s time to be confident in your decisions. I for one have decided not to mourn my youth but embrace my forties. As you reach your next milestone birthday remember they say that age is just a number. I am not sure who “they” are but I believe “them.” Enjoy your next birthday!

Raised in Finley, ND, Deb has called Moorhead her home for the last 11 years. A graduate from Drake University in Des Moines, IA, with a degree in Journalism and Mass Communications, she is currently Communication Director for Wanzek Construction. Deb welcomes the pleasant distraction that writing brings and thanks her children Jake [19], Tony [18], Nick [18] and Emily [16] for inspiration. Deb and her husband Tim like to spend their free time running in several directions with kids and on the golf course.