COVER STORY

PAM MCGEE

Story by | Mary Jo Hotzler I n Pam McGee’s life, she’s been a teacher, a consultant, a public speaker, and even a semitruck driver. But her most rewarding role of all has been that of mother. When she was young, Pam never dreamed about having kids. She never planned on getting married or conforming to any of the societal norms. Instead, she had her mind set on being a “jetsetting, briefcase-carrying businesswoman living a fancy rich life.”

Needless to say, the last 20 years of parenting — and of life — have been an unexpected journey of learning, self-discovery, and acceptance.

“You’ve got to be open to the unexpected,” she says. It’s more than just talk for this Fargo woman as she now faces the biggest plot twist of all: Stage 4 cancer. The prognosis for advanced-stage cancer, by all statistical accounts, isn’t great. But then again, Pam isn’t one to get wrapped up in odds and averages.

With the support of her family — whom she calls “The Pack” — her friends and her community, Pam is determined to overcome this latest challenge.

“The only thing I can control is my optimism,” she says. “It’s not blind optimism; I honestly believe I’m going to lick this.”

Living the dream

Pam’s fascination with becoming a career-woman started when she was just a kid, living with her family in Mondovi, Wisconsin.

One day in church she noticed two women seated ahead of her: one in a business suit and one in military uniform.

“Mom, I want to wear one of those suits,” Pam announced. “I want to be one of those women.” Business seemed to be the best fit for Pam’s independent spirit, but she knew that would mean going to college — not a small consideration since no one in the family had ever gone.

“That’s a really good goal ...” Pam recalls her mom saying, “but we are so broke that I don’t know that it’s going to be a reality.”

Pam was determined. She got a job at the local bowling alley and began saving money in a big Tootsie Roll bank. She made good on her goals and attended college at the University of Wisconsin, Lacrosse.

Pam graduated in 1987 — a time when the unemployment rate was low and the job market competitive. Still, she knew she needed to start somewhere and had been offered two possibilities: a management job at Taco Bell or a management training job at Dayton's in Grand Forks.

“I really didn’t want either of them, but I knew Taco Bell wasn’t going to be my deal, so ...”

Pam took the Dayton's job and moved to North Dakota. A few years later, that opportunity led to an expanded role with the company and a move to Minneapolis.

Everything was going as planned — that is until adventure came knocking.

Life on the road

“I got distracted. Completely distracted and off the path,” she says of her abrupt decision to quit Dayton's and buy a semitruck with her boyfriend. The two spent the next 18 months driving and living in a semi.

Reflecting on it now, Pam smiles and shakes her head ever so slightly: “I was in love. I was merely in love.”

Of course, the luster of this life eventually wore off. So one day as she was driving through Pennsylvania, she pulled off the road at a truck stop, picked up the payphone and called the University of North Dakota to inquire about graduate school.

That, Pam determined, would be her next step. “It’s always been education that’s regrounded me,” she says. “When I was lost in my career, I got a different certification; when I was lost in life, I went back and got another degree. That’s just how life works for me.”

While attending graduate school, Pam met her eventual husband, Scott Spanjer, and a handful of other important connections that would later help her find her way back into the business world. One of those people was Dave Homstad, with whom Pam opened the Blue Moose restaurant in East Grand Forks.

“That changed my entire trajectory,” she says. After graduating, Pam moved on from the restaurant business and taught for one year at Dickinson State University, which led to a position at Mayville State University and a few consulting positions, including at Great Plains Software. There, she eventually took on a full-time position as a global trainer.

Back on track, working for a major company, traveling the world and teaching: Pam was truly living her dream.

Bruce Springsteen changed all of that.

Becoming Mama Bear

The Springsteen concert was in November 1999, and just before Christmas, Pam learned she was pregnant.

“I went to the doctor because I thought I was dying,” she recalls. “My doctor told me that I was pregnant, and I looked at her and said, ‘I really want a second opinion on this.'”

She and Scott weren’t married, and so when she shared the news, he proposed.

Needless to say, that didn’t exactly go as planned. “I couldn’t think of anything else to say but ‘Good God no, I’m pregnant! What do I need a husband for? I’ve got bigger issues right now,'” she says.

Scott, too, can laugh about it today. Over the years, he says he’s developed a good sense of humor — and persistence — thanks to Pam.

The couple will celebrate 20 years of marriage this year.

When Isaac came along, everything changed. All of Pam’s preconceived ideas about life shifted in an instant. She became “Mama Bear,” feeling an overwhelming need to protect this new little baby. In the beginning, she even took Isaac to work with her.

Three years after Isaac was born, another surprise: daughter Erika.

Pam McGee poses with family during November 2019. | Photo courtesy of Ann Arbor Miller

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At a Chamber of Commerce Women Connect event, Pam walked on stage to a crowd of more than 250 women, all who wore red “Team Pam” T-shirts. | Submitted photo. “I did not want to let go of Erika,” Pam says. For the first six months, Erika traveled around with her mom and the two were inseparable.

A love of learning

There was a time when Pam tried being a stay-athome mom, but she knew that would be short-lived when she started making flip charts in the living room and calling meetings to discuss the family's goals and vision. That was when her family urged her — insisted really — to get back to work and back to pursuing her career dreams.

A teaching position at Minnesota State University Moorhead was the right fit at the right time. It wasn’t corporate America, but it allowed Pam the freedom to do something she loved and still spend time with the ones she loved.

She remains at MSUM today as an associate professor in the professional management department. She’s had a number of roles at the university over the years, including a recent run as the interim assistant vice president of academic innovation and engagement.

One of her biggest accomplishments was launching the Bachelor of Science degree in project management at MSUM and building one of only six globally accredited programs in project management. Isaac, now 19, and Erika, 16, have discovered the same love for learning, and McGee says that’s one of the parenting accomplishments of which she is most proud.

Isaac, a sophomore at Yale University, said one of the important things his mom taught him is that “learning is more than reading textbooks.” It’s about culture, it’s about community, and it’s about seeing and approaching the world with an open mind, he explains.

That, and she taught both kids some very practical advice that has helped both with their academic success: “No work is done unless you’ve doublechecked it.”

Lessons in vulnerability

The cancer diagnosis came just before Mother’s Day this past year.

There had been subtle signs over time: fatigue, weight loss, hoarseness, shortness of breath. It wasn’t until she went to the doctor, thinking it was asthma, that tests ultimately revealed advanced stage lung cancer.

Sharing the news with family was one of the most

difficult parts of all. After telling Scott, Pam’s first call was to her sister, Susie, and then to her mom, Sally. Pam and Scott waited a couple of weeks to tell the kids until Isaac was home from college and they could sit together, face-to-face, like they do for all important family discussions.

It was news no one expected. From the start, Pam tried to be honest and hopeful. More than anything, she just wanted things to stay as normal as possible. She quickly realized that isn’t as simple as it sounds, no matter how hard you try to control the narrative. Pam admits she has had a few “meltdowns” but acknowledges she is more private with her emotional responses. Realizing that doesn’t work for everyone has been an exercise in vulnerability and has taught Pam an important parenting lesson: Even though your instincts are to protect your kids from hurting, you have to also be careful about trying to control their emotional responses.

The family knows their mom has only the best intentions. One of the most amazing things about Pam, says husband Scott, is her compassion and that unique ability she has to make any situation better. Isaac, too, calls his mom a “natural-born problem solver” and on top of that, the most attentive person you’ll ever meet.

Since the diagnosis, there have been good doctor appointments and disappointing ones; good days and bad days. So far, she says she’s feeling good and hasn’t experienced some of the extreme side effects that often accompany chemotherapy, like hair loss and sickness. “I have the easy job,” Pam says. “I have the cancer so people wait on me, hand and foot. It’s those around you that struggle the most with cancer.” Wonder Woman

Humble. It’s a word frequently used by Pam’s friends to describe her. She never demands the spotlight, and yet she has a radiant energy that people just want to be around.

Her extensive network of friends, acquaintances and admirers has been a big part of her journey these past six months.

One of the most humbling experiences was this past summer when Pam and longtime friend, Tonya Stende, were scheduled to present at a Chamber of Commerce Women Connect event.

Pam walked on stage to a crowd of more than 250 women, all who wore red “Team Pam” Wonder Woman T-shirts. Tonya had worked with the Chamber to provide shirts for every woman.

“There were so many Pam champions in the crowd, and there were some just coming to hear us speak,” Tonya recalls. “The fact they also put the

Wonder Women shirts on to support this amazing leader, community member and selfless human was so inspiring.”

Tonya says she was especially moved seeing Pam’s family at the front two tables. It was the first time Pam’s parents had seen her onstage.

“The look of pride they had on their faces is a memory I will cherish forever,” Tonya says.

Tonya and Pam’s paths first crossed 11 years ago when both were involved in launching the United Way’s 35 Under 35 Women’s Leadership program. Pam continues to participate in the program as a speaker, sharing lessons she has learned throughout her journey.

“Every year we receive feedback that she is one of the most impactful speakers throughout the sixmonth program,” says Kristi Huber, president of the United Way of Cass-Clay. “It’s incredible to hear from women in the program, as many attribute success in their careers post-program to hearing Pam’s presentation.”

Kristi says she’s grateful for Pam’s mentorship and for their friendship.

“Pam inspires me to think bigger about the potential we have to serve more people in our community and create new collaborations that will provide lasting change,” she says. All of the attention makes Pam uncomfortable, but thankful nevertheless. Feeling love from so many — near and far — makes dealing with the unexpected twists in life a whole lot easier.

“Why not me to get cancer?” she says. “I’ve got the best insurance. I have the best husband on the planet. I’ve got two of the best kids. I could call any girlfriend at any point in time, and they would come to my house and clean my toilets if they had to ... so why not me to get cancer? I’m equipped to handle it.” In particular, Pam’s dad Dean has been a special source of inspiration these last few months. Thirty-five years ago, at the age of 42, he suffered a serious heart attack and was told he likely had five years to live.

Today, he’s 77. For Pam, it’s proof that odds and averages shouldn’t dictate anyone’s story, or its ending. It’s why she isn’t giving up hope.

“I’m going to beat the odds. I know I am,” Pam says. “It’s going to be a hell of a journey we didn’t plan on, but we’re going to do it together, and we are going to win.”

Guiding couples back to Love

Pam McGee and kids Erika Spanjer, 16, and Isaac Spanjer, 19, sit for a portrait outside the family’s north Fargo home. Photographed on Nov. 27, 2019. | Ann Arbor Miller The Forum

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Kurtis Karn, husband to Katie, and dad to 3-year-old Kendrix and 8-year-old Kingston, is passionate about making "awesome humans." | Photo courtesy of Lindsay Kaye Photography