If My Dating App Algorithm Could Talk

by Ellie Pritchard

Greetings! I am your friendly Dating App Algorithm. I am here to help you find love.

Hey, look at this guy holding a fish. Isn’t he cool? Oh, he’s not what you wanted? Try this one instead!

“I’ll fall for you if…you push me over.” Hey, isn’t he clever, isn’t he funny and quirky and hilarious? No? Next. This is so much fun!

“Hey”. Okay, even I know this isn’t a great start.

What do you mean you can’t tell which one you’re supposed to be looking at in this lovely group photo? He’s cool, he’s sociable, he’s…the least good-looking one. Fair enough.

Okay, this one’s cute. It’s a match! Now we wait…isn’t this fun?

Let’s have a look at the comments on your photos:

“Hi sexy”

“Wow”

“You look delicious”

Don’t you feel like a person anymore?

Okay, next. How do you feel about this gym selfie?

Or how about this shirtless bathroom selfie while he holds his crotch? No, no, no, no - isn’t this what you wanted? I am trying my best.

“Hey baby girl, let me come over later and I’ll show you a good time.” You’re flattered. You’re vibing. You’re absolutely considering it. I’m giving you no other options.

…You’re having fun, right?