RAISING RESILIENT KIDS

Raising Resilient Kids AN AGE-BY-AGE GUIDE TO HELPING KIDS BOUNCE BACK

by Malia Jacobson C hildren’s lives have always been chock-full of disappointments large and small: Your toddler’s long-lashed eyes brim with tears, her hopes of playing at the park dashed by the swirling snowstorm outside. Your eight-year-old animallover begs for a dog, only to learn that he’s allergic. Your teenager spends hours completing SCHOOL-AGE 7-12: Future Focus Notoriously emotional, tweens tend to exaggerate even small setbacks. But parents shouldn’t dismiss seemingly insignificant emotional upsets; a minor issue like a missed video chat with a teacher or a poor grade can seem like a mountainous problem to a school-age child. Resist the temptation to use a disappointing situation to prove a point, says Jones. At the height of a child’s emotional distress, voicing a school assignment, then snaps her laptop shut without remembering that he might have avoided the bad grade by studying harder makes to save her work. the problem immediately worse. Instead, listen without replying or

In 2020, the scope of disappointments has expanded to include swooping in to solve the problem, advises Jones. Sometimes, all your massive shifts in schooling, cancelled camps, disrupted sports and child wants is your ear. extracurricular activities, and health worries. No wonder everyone’s “When failures occur, it’s important to keep a future orientation,” nerves are frayed. notes Everly. “Ask the child what he or she learned from the failure

When kids’ hopes are dashed, parents are crestfallen, too. After that will help promote success in the future.” Encourage positive, all, nobody wants to see their child suffer. How can parents help future-focused thinking about what your child might do differently kids navigate a world that isn’t always fun, or fair? Read on for agenext time. To help build confidence to try again, adopt the mantra by-age guidance on helping kids bounce back from disappointment “Anything worth having is worth failing for!” and failure.

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Though it’s instinctive to want to protect young children from the relationships all on the line, disappointments loom large for teens. sadness that accompanies disappointment, this tactic can backfire. After a setback, help your disappointed teen cope by focusing on

“Many well-intentioned parents structure their child’s environment her disappointment, instead of on your own feelings. “It’s critical to try to avoid allowing the child to feel any disappointment,” says for parents to pause and reflect on their own emotional response parenting coach Stephanie T. Jones, M.S., chair of the North Carolina to their teen’s disappointments and failures,” says Jones. Some

Parenting Education Network. While parents’ motivations are parents are over-involved in their teen’s success and take a child’s positive—they generally want to help a child avoid negative emotions failures personally—which can lead to regrettable reactions instead and be more successful—shielding kids from uncomfortable feelings of constructive help. can prevent them from the developing emotional resilience required Teens who cope with disappointment well are those with “an inner for success in preschool and beyond. confidence,” says Everly. Parents should play a supporting role, allowing

Protecting kids from all disappointment or failure can be crippling teens to solve problems independently and stepping in as a coach or to preschoolers, says George S. Everly Jr. Ph.D., affiliate professor of cheerleader only when needed. Teens with strong self-efficacy—belief in psychology at Loyola University Maryland and author of The Resilient their own ability to handle life’s problems—are better equipped to deal

Child: Seven Essential Lessons for Your Child’s Happiness and Success. with the emotional roller coaster ride of the teenage years. And resilient

Instead of giving in to a child’s unreasonable demand simply to keep the kids of all ages are well-prepped for the future, whatever it holds. peace, acknowledge and name his emotion—“I know you’re angry that Malia Jacobson is a nationally published parenting journalist. Her most recent you can’t have that cookie before dinner, but you’ll have to wait”—to book is Sleep Tight, Every Night: Helping Toddlers and Preschoolers Sleep Well validate his feelings without stifling emotional growth. Without Tears, Tricks, or Tirades.