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June 2003 Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America Department of Religious Education 50 Goddard Avenue, Brookline MA 02445

Volume 3 Issue 4 Family

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F ROM T HE

SAINTS If one will put in such an order the upbringing of a child from his first The joint prayer of husband and

years, then little by little the

wife is a great force. That may be

character which his whole life

one of the reasons why the enemy is

If we seek the things that are

should have will be revealed before

trying to get both of you to break

perfect, the secondary things will

him, and he will grow more

So then, brothers and sisters, we are

this excellent habit. [This is] one

follow. The Lord says, "Seek first

accustomed to the thought that

debtors, not to the flesh, to live

God

the kingdom of God and His

upon him there lies the obligation

according to the flesh—for if you

permits so that you should learn to

righteousness, and all these things

given by our God and Savior to live

live according to the flesh, you will

overcome it and come out of the

shall be added to you." What sort

and act according to His decree, that

die; but if by the Spirit you put to

testing stronger than before!

of person do you think the children

all other deeds and occupations are

of such parents will be? What kind

lower than this and have a place only

will live. For all who are led by the

of persons are all the others who

for the course of the present life, and

Spirit of God are children of God.

associate with them? Will they not

that there is another dwelling place,

For you did not receive a spirit of

eventually be the recipients of

another homeland towards which

slavery to fall back into fear, but you

countless blessings as well?

one must direct all one’s thoughts

have received a spirit of adoption.

generally the children acquire the

When we cry, "Abba! Father!" it is

character of their parents, are

that very Spirit bearing witness with

formed in the mold of their parent’s

our spirit that we are children of

temperament, love the same things

God, and if children, then heirs,

their parents love, talk in the same

heirs of God and joint heirs with

fashion, and work for the same

Christ—if, in fact, we suffer with

ends. If we order our lives in this

him so that we may also be glorified

way and diligently study the

with him.

Scriptures, we will find lessons to

temptation

which

death the deeds of the body, you St. Macarius of Optina Hermitage

For

and all one’s desires. St. Theophan the Recluse

guide us in everything we need! St. Paul the Apostle St. John Chrysostom

P R A X I S

My beloved in the Lord, This issue of Praxis is dedicated to the family, an institution of vital significance for our society. In Orthodox Christian theology, the family is much more than a social institution. The family is a microcosm of the entire Church, a most sacred place where relationships with one another are cultivated in the love of Jesus Christ. As our American society grows increasingly complex, families are confronted by new challenges. “Traditional” families, single-parent families, families of divorce, interreligious, inter-ethnic, and intercultural families are but a few terms that are indicative of the variety and complexity of related issues concerning these challenges. Despite this complexity, all families hold in common the tremendous responsibility of ensuring among their members healthy avenues of communication, emotional bonds of love and support, and atmospheres that promote physical and spiritual health. Orthodox Christian families in contemporary America reflect a variety of forms, and every family has different and unique pastoral needs. These needs demand deep sensitivity and understanding on behalf of our clergy and lay ministers who encounter families in a variety of circumstances. They also demand that we be ever mindful of our sacred obligation as an Archdiocese to insist upon quality education for those who provide pastoral care and for those who preach the healing message of the Gospel of Jesus Christ to families in need, especially to families in crisis. This is our common responsibility and mission as Orthodox Christian educators: to equip clergy and lay ministers of the Church with the resources needed to promote healing and growth within families. Each article in this month’s publication of Praxis serves precisely this responsibility and mission. Our modern period is a critical one indeed for families everywhere. Our Archdiocese is committed to addressing critical family needs in a comprehensive fashion, as we recognize that Orthodox Christian families are certainly not immune to the contemporary issues of our world. Recently, the Archdiocese has convened two roundtable discussions on the family, bringing together family and marriage professionals and clergy at our Saint Basil Academy in Garrison, NY. These discussions constitute an important first step toward the establishment of an Archdiocesan Center for Family Care. It is envisioned that this center will address issues that Orthodox Christian families of diverse circumstances and backgrounds throughout America currently encounter. By offering educational resources, counseling services, and seminars that will address critical areas of need, our hope is to create a model institution that will be a leader in the field of family care among the Christian denominations of contemporary America, a most worthy goal requiring not only vision but also great labor and diligence. This is a goal that has as its ultimate target the creation of families which will embody what St. Paul describes as church at home (I Corinthians 16:19, Romans 16:5). It is my heartfelt prayer that the guiding wisdom of Christ be with all of you as we feed families with the spiritual nourishment of His Gospel through critically addressing the issues of our contemporary society. May the grace and love of Jesus Christ abound in your hearts and within every Orthodox Christian family, ensuring you all lasting fulfillment on earth and eternal life in His Kingdom.

† DEMETRIOS Archbishop of America

Praxis is a quarterly journal. Subscription rate $15 per year. Checks, payable to the Department of Religious Education, should be sent to: Praxis Circulation 50 Goddard Avenue Brookline MA 02445 (617) 850-1218

SUBMISSION GUIDELINES Submissions should be 1,000 to 2,000 words in length and directly discuss education in the theology and tradition of the Orthodox Christian churches. Lesson aids or graphic enhancements may accompany the articles submitted. We also encourage the submission of photographs relevant to parish life (praxis). Please also provide a biographical sketch of the author not exceeding fifty words. Material previously published or under consideration for publication elsewhere will not be considered without prior consent of the editor. We reserve the right to edit for usage and style; all accepted manuscripts are subject to editorial modification. Articles sent by mail should be accompanied by an electronic version on 3.5" diskette in Microsoft Word for Windows or for Macintosh. Articles in Microsoft Word may also be emailed as an attachment to JuliaMason@goarch.org Address submissions to: Rev. Dr. Frank Marangos and/or Julia Mason

CREDITS Executive Editor:

Rev. Dr. Frank Marangos

Managing Editor:

Julia Mason

Design and Layout:

Stefan Poulos stefan@poulosdesign.com

Cover Photo: John Howell Photographers The marriage of Andrew Wierzba and Athanasia Bastounes at Assumption Greek Orthodox Church in Chicago, Illinois. Printing:

Atlanlic Graphic Services, Inc.

We gratefully acknowledge St. Isaac of Syria Skete in Boscobel, Wisconsin for providing icons reproduced in Praxis. Visit their website at www.skete.com. Scripture quotations taken from THE HOLY BIBLE CONTAINING THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS WITH THE APOCRYPHAL / DEUTEROCANONICAL BOOKS, NEW REVISED STANDARD VERSION. The views expressed in this magazine are not necessarily the views of the Department of Religious Education. ÂŠ2002, Department of Religious Education of the Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America. ISSN 1530-0595.

P R A X I S

Letters My regards and thanks to Fr. Frank for all he has done and continues to do for the Department of Religious Education and religious education everywhereâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;the proliferation of teaching materials, Praxis Magazine (exemplary), the online courses, and the new curriculum being developed. I also love the Summer Institute and the religious education workshops. May God continue to bless you and your ministry.

Dear Fr. Frank,

With Love in the Lord,

I have been listening to your lectures on the ISOS website and I must commend you and all the other clergy for the wonderful job you are doing reaching all of us. I have learned much valuable information from the site. God bless you, so you can keep up the great work.

Marion Pappas

Sincerely,

Sunday School Teacher Panagia Greek Orthodox Church

Kelly Monastiriakos

Cohasset, Massachusetts

Montreal, Quebec

CORRECTIONS

In the article, "Fruits of an Orthodox Education" by Jane G. Meyer, published in the last issue of Praxis Magazine, please note that St. John of Damascus Academy is actually under the jurisdiction of Bishop JOSEPH of the Antiochian Archdiocese.

Returning the Prodigal Family to God

Rev. Frank Marangos, D.Min., Ed.D.

Making Time for Family and Church

Marilyn Rouvelas

Rev. Constantine Sitaras, M.Div.

Marital Commitment and the Betrothal Service

Michael A. Kallas, M.A., M.Div.

Let the Dead Bury the Dead: A Sermon Rev. George Nicozisin, M.Th.

Dn. John Oliver

The Flaws of the Fifties

Presvytera Frederica Matthews-Green

Members of the Household of God Presvytera Renee Ritsi

Choosing a Spouse: A Contemporary View of the Advice from St. John Chrysostom

Love Divine: The Sacramental Form of Sexual Love in the Traditions of East and West

Rev. Charles Joanides, Ph.D., LMFT

Making a Space for Prayer at Home

Naming Our Children for their Spiritual Family

Seeing the Face of God in Our Siblings Sheri San Chirico, M.Div.

Nurturing our Children from Conception to Kindergarten Rev. Thomas Kazich, M.Div.

Phyllis Meshel Onest, M.Div.

P R A X I S

Dear Reader The Old Man of the Mountain is a 700-ton natural granite formation in New Hampshire. The naturecarved 40-foot profile, which resembled an old man’s face, was New Hampshire’s most recognizable symbol. As the state’s official emblem the profile can be seen on license plates, coins, and road signs. Recently, New Hampshire awoke to find that its stern granite symbol had collapsed from its 1,200-foot high mountain-side perch into an indistinguishable pile of rubble! The fall ended nearly a century effort to protect the landmark from a combination of heavy rains, high winds, and freezing temperatures. In the 19th Century, the Old Man of the Mountain inspired Daniel Webster to write, “In the mountains of New Hampshire, God Almighty hung out a sign to show that there He makes men!” This issue of Praxis is dedicated to the Orthodox Family. The numerous essays and insightful articles respectively emphasize the importance of nurturing and protecting the divinely created institutions of marriage and family. By necessity, these articles remain brief and selective, serving their limited role as a foundation for more specific investigations into the unique, personal, fundamental unit of our world’s social system. In our world of ever-changing systems and values, there has never been a greater need to study what the Church has to say about family and family relationships. Our contemporary society seems to question the traditional models of family in every sphere of life with an apparent insatiable appetite for novelty. Consequently, it should not come as any surprise that long-established family values and core structures have been weakened. Unlike the Old Man of the Mountain, the Church’s profile of the family must not be allowed to crumble. Although it was once considered the true source of societal stability, the heavy rains of social re-engineering have combined with the high winds of secularism to slowly erode the strong granite profile of the Judeo-Christian understanding of family! As such, it is important for Church leaders and educators to focus their attention on preserving the sacred standards of the traditional family. Only by bringing our respective talents to bear on this important issue can we hope to avoid waking up one day to discover that the Church’s well-known symbol has collapsed into a pile of unrecognizable rubble. With a slight alteration, Daniel Webster’s comment about the Old Man of the Mountain is as true now as it was for his 19th century readers. God Almighty has indeed hung a sign to show how He creates a healthy humanity. He does so in the Mountain of the Church where the granite-like profile of the Family hangs as a sacred icon!

Father Frank

P R A X I S

Returning the

Prodigal “For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found” (Luke 15:24). REV. FRANK MARANGOS, D.MIN., ED.D.

“Teach me your way, O Lord, and lead me in a smooth path, because of my enemies.”

Psalm 27:11

The American family is in a state of operational exigency. Many consider the sanctity of marriage and family in a precarious state of spiritual free-fall. We live in a day when words like love, commitment, responsibility, compassion, faith, church, righteousness, sacrifice, common sense, and God have been so deconstructed that they mean virtually nothing. As a result of this obscuring of important societal narratives, the last fifty years have seen marked increases in juvenile delinquency, discipline problems in school, crime, sexual diseases, unwanted pregnancies, drug use, and suicide! The role and responsibilities of husbands and wives are being re-defined, distorted and confused. If nothing is done to help the family safely re-align its trajectory towards God, the damage that this divinely-ordained institution will sustain upon itself and upon the welfare of our nation will be analogous to the space shuttle Columbia’s recent cataclysmic demise. At 9:00 a.m. (EST) on February 1, 2003, NASA lost contact with the space shuttle Columbia. It was flying at an altitude of 200,700 feet and travelling at 12,500 mph. As Columbia entered the Earth’s atmosphere it suddenly broke up and splintered into a mass of flaming wreckage, observed by eyewitnesses from California to Louisiana. In an attempt to offer consolation to stunned Americans across the nation, President Bush offered the following prayer: “The crew of the shuttle Columbia

did not return safely to Earth. Yet, we can pray that all on board are safely home.” The recent tragedy of the space shuttle Columbia has engendered a great deal of speculation. As it prepared to re-enter the Earth’s atmosphere the spacecraft broke up into hundreds of pieces. But why did it explode? Why did NASA lose contact with it? Numerous opinions and theories have been expressed to satisfy the curiosity of both scientist and citizen. The shuttle has more than 20,000 thermal tiles to protect it from the extreme heat of re-entry into the atmosphere. If it has lost, damaged or missing tiles in crucial spots, a spacecraft can overheat, break up and plunge to Earth in a shower of hot metal. Rather than speculate on the cause of Columbia’s unfortunate demise, this article will examine the disaster against the backdrop of the contemporary Orthodox family, which oftentimes finds itself distanced from God. The familiar Parable of the Prodigal Son will be used to draw several spiritual applications for our lives.

The Prodigal Son The Great Feast of Pascha celebrates the safe re-entry of the family of mankind to its eternal homeland. This most important liturgical cycle of “spiritual return” is preceded by a 70-day season divided into three parts: (a) Pre-Lent, (b) Great Lent, and (c) Holy Week. Pre-Lent is comprised of

Family to God five Sundays, the third of which is dedicated to the recollection of the Parable of the Prodigal Son. Appearing only in the Gospel of Saint Luke (15:11-32) the story of the Prodigal Son encapsulates the theological missive of the entire Paschal season. Listening to the parable’s message of God's loving forgiveness, we are invited to “come to ourselves." Like the prodigal son, we are challenged to consider ourselves as being "in a far country." Far from our Father's House, we are summoned to make the necessary adjustments for a safe return to God. When compared to the Parable of the Prodigal Son, the unfortunate tragedy of Columbia provides the attentive Orthodox family with numerous spiritual lessons. In many ways the unsuccessful re-entry of Columbia underscores why it is crucial for us to seriously examine the direction and speed of our respective family’s spiritual trajectory. Only when we adequately re-align our lives and place our spiritual tiles in robust condition can we appropriately prepare to celebrate Pascha and thereby successfully return to our “Father’s House.” The Family’s Direction The valiant crew of Columbia enjoyed the attainment of their profession’s ultimate aspiration, to escape the forces of gravity and explore the recesses of space. Simultaneously, however, they most certainly relished the day when they would return to Earth! Even if they were intent on extending their excursion into space, their provisions were not adequate for a prolonged stay. While outer space may indeed be the ultimate direction and vision of every astronaut’s lifetime goal, Earth represents their “homeland.” It is the location of their birth and of their families. The Earth’s atmosphere provides the very breath of life. The Parable of the Prodigal Son is concerned with the personal as well as interpersonal aspirations of the

family unit. When compared to the vision of unrestricted scientific advances, the parable discloses the manner in which the family may evaluate its participation with societal invitations and thus avoid technological and ethical recklessness. Numerous theologians as well as social philosophers have warned that each scientific advance carries a corresponding ethical burden. While it is not the thesis of this writer to advance the perilous notion that the explorations associated with the space program or accruals in medical research should be necessarily understood as movements away from our “Father’s House,” great care should be taken to safeguard the family against participating in activities and philosophies that may result in such arrogant prodigality. If mankind’s creativity is understood as a characteristic of our God-imparted rationality then every exploration, no matter how distant, will never exceed the boundaries of our “Father’s House!” Unfortunately, however, there are occasions when our technological agenda overruns our Lord’s natural designs. When an Orthodox family discovers that its trajectory may be taking it towards the “far-off country” it would do well to emulate the manner in which the prodigal son assessed his direction and made the necessary adjustments in order to return to his Father’s House.

Societal Speed Speed was the enemy of the space shuttle Columbia. In order to safely land the shuttle it was necessary to abruptly change its direction, slow its velocity, re-enter the Earth’s atmosphere and bring the vehicle to rest, all within a fifteen-minute period of time. Speed made this a most daunting goal! In the final analysis, the shuttle broke apart while being exposed to the peak temperature of 3,000 degrees on the leading edge of its wings, while traveling at 12,500 mph or 18 times the speed of sound.

P R A X I S

Speed is also the enemy of spiritual progress. Unlike the Church, however, society is regrettably intoxicated with speed. The media appears to celebrate occasions of velocity’s triumphs. From sport’s car to airplane, phone call to Internet connection, student graduation to promotion, from puberty to sexual activity, society seems to venerate extremism. The popular magazine called Fast Company features stories that celebrate how many companies, families, and individuals have been able to break free from the tyranny of previously set boundaries. Unfortunately, even science and medicine are not immune to such extremist postures. Without a simultaneous increase in wisdom, society’s ever-quickening steps towards cloning and other genetic-based research can speed the family along a path of unforeseen consequences. How can the contemporary Orthodox family slow down the rate in which it identifies itself with society’s postmodern postures? How can we change our family’s direction when it has often been duped into pursuing its intoxicating extreme quests? What is the process by which the contemporary family may re-enter the atmosphere of our Father’s House? What tiles are necessary for such spiritual reentry? If we truly desire to re-approach our “Father’s House,” great care should be taken to ensure the condition of our family’s spiritual vesture! Several Church Fathers have provided valuable insights into these important questions from their exegesis of the Parable of the Prodigal Son.

Patristic Wisdom Saint Clement of Alexandria interprets the Parable of the Prodigal Son in an allegorical fashion. While the parable focuses on only one of two siblings, he nonetheless emphasizes that the story has personal as well as interpersonal implications. As such, he suggests that the inheritance the prodigal squanders in the “far country” is much more than an individual son’s personal estate. This inheritance should be understood as humanity’s “ability to reason.” Numerous Church Fathers insist that the capacity to think is a divine characteristic and, as such, a valuable inheritance that we have received from our Creator. While Clement believes it is in humanity’s nature to expand our rationality through a responsible use of this God-given creative process, he warns that we should guard against utilizing this inheritance for arrogant and selfish purposes, thus falling into spiritual prodigality! “The possession of reason,” Clement writes, “is granted to all for the pursuit of what is good, and for the avoidance of what is bad.” Through a “bad use of the knowledge given to us,” Clement warns, “we land in the profligacy of evil practices and waste the substance of reason.” Consequently, it is the responsibility of both the immediate and the extended family to utilize this Godinspired inheritance as a divine tool to adequately reason and evaluate how they will respond to society’s countless messages. Canticle Eight of the Orthros service for the Sunday of the Prodigal Son underscores what may happen to a family that squanders their use of God-given reasoning power. “Ruled by corrupting thoughts,”

insists the hymn, we, like the prodigal son, “become full of darkness, separated from God, and lose possession of ourselves.” The final hymn of the Orthros service indicates that Christ came and died on the Cross so that, “He may snatch us from the beast and re-clothe us in our original raiment.” Emphasizing the hymnology of the Church, Clement urges his listeners to “employ the gift of reason for actions of prudence,” and thereby, “return to a near relationship with our heavenly Father.” Like Clement, Saint Gregory Palamas interprets the substance of the prodigal son’s wealth as “above all, his inborn mind.” The eating of the pods of the swine indicate for Palamas, “the extreme filthiness of the passions.” When the family occupies itself with the satisfaction of such self-centered and arrogant “pods” it distances itself from God. Palamas warns that here in the far country and apart from God we, like the prodigal son, “will never be able to satisfy our shameful impulses because satisfaction naturally produces a change in relation to what is being consumed.”

Spiritual Tiles NASA insists that there was nothing the crew could have done to provide adequate protection for re-entry. Even if the astronauts had gone out on an emergency space-walk, there was no way they could have safely checked under the wings and repaired the damaged heattiles. “There's nothing that we can do about tile damage once we get to orbit,'' a NASA representative said. “We can't minimize the heating to the point that it would somehow not require a tile. So once you get to orbit, the tile insulation is all you have for protection on the way home from the extreme thermal heating during re-entry.'' The contemporary Orthodox family begins its return to our Father’s House when we come to our senses, and realize the distance that our actions have created between God and ourselves. However, like that of a returning, damaged space shuttle, both Palamas and Clement concur that “no one can manage the steps of repentance on his own . . . the Father of Mercies must come to meet us and help us live a virtuous life!” Our damaged and lost spiritual tiles must be repaired and replaced—only Christ Himself can clothe the family with garments appropriate for its return. According to the Church Fathers spiritual garments are not obtained by self-mastery but must be placed upon us by the “servants of the Church.” The servants who clothe the prodigal son are interpreted by Clement and Palamas as the “priests of the Church,” who in obedience to the Father’s directives “re-clothe the penitent” for their safe return! Consequently, each article of clothing placed on the prodigal son by the servants is understood by Palamas in a theological fashion. The “robe” placed on the returning prodigal son symbolizes the son-ship that humanity receives through Holy Baptism. The “ring” symbolizes the “seal of the Holy Spirit” which provides the Grace of “contemplative virtue on the active part of the soul.” The hand upon which the ring is placed symbolizes the promise of the inheritance to come. Finally, the shoes placed on the prodigal son

symbolize for Palamas “the holy protection and assurance” that the faithful will be able to “tread upon snakes and scorpions and all the power of the enemy.” Palamas concludes by stating that “these gifts are so surpassingly great that even the angels desire to look into the things that He has bestowed upon us.” Like Palamas, Clement suggests that the garments placed upon the prodigal son represent the robe of immortality, the divine ring, seal, impress, and signature of divine consecration that every penitent can receive. For Clement, the shoes placed on the returning son are the “imperishable shoes by which we may place our feet on holy ground.” They “do not impede or drag to the Earth, but are buoyant and ascending, and waft to heaven, and serve as a chariot as one needs to return his mind towards the Father.” These spiritual garments are, in the final analysis, the tiles of repentance, that provide the Grace by which families may abandon the evil one and his herds and begin their gradual movement towards God. Through the assistance provided by the spiritual tiles of the robe, ring, and shoes, family members may withstand the friction of re-entering the atmosphere of our heavenly homeland! Slowly withdrawing from the life-threatening trajectories of self-centered extremes the contemporary family may safeguard itself from society’s enticing invitations towards prodigality and realign itself towards the pastures of our Father’s Province where the faithful will find rest in God’s Eternal Celebration! The Columbia joins the Challenger disaster of 1986 as two metaphorical bookends of a family’s spiritual journey. While Challenger exploded during its initial minutes of lift-off, Columbia burst apart upon re-entry! Similarly, the first as well as the final steps of any spiritual quest should be undertaken with great care. Perhaps this is one way we may understand the nuance of the Vesperal hymn of the Sunday of the Prodigal Son that invites the faithful to “learn the mystery of the Prodigal Son!” By focusing our attention on the spiritual insights provided in this most important parable of our Lord we may avoid the temptation of launching our families into prodigality and the friction associated with the rapid re-entry of self-determined repentance.

Rev. Dr. Frank Marangos is the Director of the Department of Religious Education of the Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America and Adjunct Assistant Professor of Religious Education at Holy Cross Greek Orthodox School of Theology. He can be reached at frfrank@goarch.org.

P R A X I S

Making Time for Family and Church REV. CONSTANTINE SITARAS, M.DIV.

From the mundane activities of life a pearl occasionally jumps out. Standing in line to make a purchase at a supermarket, I glanced over some nearby magazines—no doubt placed there to motivate last minute spending—and noticed a headline which read: “Get balance back in your life. Americans are working fewer hours, exercising more, surfing the Net less and spending more time with family. You can too.” Although “spending more time with family” came last in the order of presentation, its inclusion made me purchase the magazine (the May 2003 issue of Smart Money). It seemed to me an interesting article for this type of magazine.

“Be careful then

Perhaps Americans want to make their lives more meaningful by investing in relationships with family and friends and being less driven by their careers and material success. “We are shaving down our working hours,” read the article, “and planting seeds in other half-forgotten areas of our lives: family, friendship, spirituality, hobbies. We are busy redefining ourselves—who we are and what we care about.”

how you live, “Who we are and what we care about”

not as unwise people but as wise, making the most of the time, because the days are evil.”

Ephesians 5:15-16

Commitment to family is an integral part of Orthodox teaching, defining “who we are and what we care about.” Throughout the Bible we learn of many families and their trials. God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make a helper fit for him” (Genesis 1:18). After creating Adam, God took a rib from him and “the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man” (Genesis 2:22). This was the first family as created by God, Adam and Eve. In the book of Ruth we discover Ruth and Naomi, her motherin-law, joining together after they are both widowed. Imagine a bride and her mother-in-law together as a family, suffering hardships, supporting each other. In Matthew 12:48 we find Jesus extending the definition of family when he points to his disciples and says, “Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.” The Church is a family of those who follow the will of the Father. As a family headed by Christ, we do not follow social trends but ground our lives upon worship and obedience to God. This implies, of course, that we must make time for family, praying together at meals and in the home. Parents, as St. John Chrysostom says, are instructors in the home, guiding their children in the love of God. We also must come together for communal prayer and worship with the larger family of the local parish week after week. Sundays spent worshiping in the Divine Liturgy are the bookends of our weekly life. We come together to be fed by the Holy Eucharist, edified by the Gospel, and supported by the community of the faithful so that we can be armed and able to live, work, and play the remainder of the week. We set aside for God his Day—kyriaki—the Day of the Lord. The Church also designates fasting periods such as Great Lent, the Dormition of the Theotokos, the Disciples’ Fast, and the Nativity Fast. In her wisdom, the Church gives us these special times to help us re-prioritize our lives. Knowing that we easily fall away from Christcenteredness through the everyday living of life, the Church teaches us to make God, Jesus Christ, the and Family our priorities. This is an interesting concept—to live life for the joy of God and the salvation of one’s soul. If we do this with humility and love, then family will naturally be a major concern and source of joy. Fr. Constantine L. Sitaras is the Executive Director of Saint Basil Academy and holds a Master of Divinity from Holy Cross Greek Orthodox School of Theology.

Marital Commitment and the Betrothal Service REV. CHARLES JOANIDES, PH.D., LMFT

Dear Father Charles, The other day I was having a discussion with my teenage daughter. She was sharing some information she received about marriage from one of her classes…. We have a good relationship and we talk about almost everything. When she started describing to me what her classmates were saying about marriage, I was stopped in my tracks. The extent to which her peers valued marriage seemed to fall short of what I believe and have tried to share. For instance, when marriages are having problems, most students seemed to believe that divorce was a good answer to a troubled marriage. That’s not what my husband and I believe, and it’s certainly not what we’ve taught our daughter. After our conversation was over, I left feeling as though I didn’t do as good a job explaining my position as I wanted. Can you help me?

“Let marriage be held in honor by all, and the marriage bed

Concerned Parent

undefiled….” Dear Concerned Parent, Before offering you any specific feedback, let me congratulate you for keeping the avenues of communication open between you and your daughter. Life is very complex these days, and teenagers need all the help they can get - especially if that help comes from a parent. Contrary to popular opinion, research suggests that most teens and parents have good relationships, and that parents continue to be an important source of information as children pass through adolescence. So, keep talking to your teen(s). She may not always agree immediately, and she may sometimes even disagree, but at least you will have given her another perspective to think about. With that stated, I’d like to provide you with some observations by turning your attention to the first part of the wedding service, known as the Betrothal Service. This service provides a good illustration of what we believe about commitment.

Hebrews 13:14

Please let me know if you have any other questions. In Christ, Fr. Charles

P R A X I S

A Working Definition of a Sacrament The Betrothal Service is celebrated before the Sacrament of Marriage. Before discussing this service, it is important to provide a working definition of a sacrament from an Orthodox and Christian perspective. If you desire more information after reviewing these few observations, there are a number of other helpful resources that can be of further assistance.1 If you are not certain how to find them, I am sure your priest can be helpful. From an Orthodox perspective, sacraments are God-given gifts that have emerged from Holy Tradition, and have either been instituted by Christ or the Apostles. Orthodox Tradition also refers to them as mysteries. This is because, while the service is tangible and can be explained, there is a profound dimension to these experiences that exceeds the immediately visible and must be accepted by faith. Writing about the sacraments, St. John Chrysostom observes, “It is called a mystery because what we believe is not what we see.” The sacraments are best understood as God-given points of contact, where God makes himself available to us on a very personal level. This is as true for marriage as it is for communion or baptism. Moreover, as we choose to faithfully participate in these mysteries, God’s life giving grace touches our lives and, by extension, makes us holy.

Some Historical and Theological Information The Orthodox Wedding is comprised of two interrelated parts—the Betrothal Service, and the Sacrament of Marriage. This arrangement evolved over a number of centuries. By the end of the 16th century, the sacrament as we know it was being celebrated. Prior to this, shortened versions were conducted. Up until the 9th century, marriages were blessed during the Divine Liturgy. Thereafter, marriages were blessed outside of the Eucharistic context. Despite these historical variations, the Church has always sought to define marriage as a spiritual journey within the Church. Above and beyond the legal, psychological and sociological

dimensions of marriage that society typically identifies, the Church expands the definition of marriage and describes it as a holy union whereby a man and woman struggle together toward sanctification and eternal life within a community of faithful. Moreover, as we will see, the symbolism, prayers and rituals that unfold during the Betrothal Service, as well as the Sacrament of Marriage, serve to reinforce, communicate and celebrate this teaching.

The Betrothal Service The first part of the service is referred to as the Betrothal Service. It is comprised of a series of petitions, a few small prayers, the exchange of the rings, and a lengthy prayer. In the past, it was conducted separately from the Sacrament of Marriage, and served to signify the couple’s first personal and spiritual pledge to one another. Today, these services are conducted together. However, the meaning behind the Betrothal Service has not changed. It continues to affirm a couple’s first spiritual and personal pledge to one another. Let’s briefly examine the components of this service while keeping in mind that these various pieces are interrelated and should not be understood apart from one another. Together, they lead the couple to an experience that is greater than the sum of its parts.

Petitions A petition is a form of prayer. Since many of our prayers tend to be offered to God in the form of requests or petitions, this type of prayer is perhaps the most familiar to most people. A simple example of this type of prayer is, “Dear God, please help me today.” This set of petitions begins with some general requests asking God to bless those in attendance with peace and salvation. The priest then asks God to be mindful of our world, the Church and our leaders. After these opening petitions, the focus quickly narrows to the man and woman who are pledging themselves to one another. The prayers will ask God to bless the couple with divine peace, love, harmony and oneness of mind. God is also asked to bless the couple with children, while promoting fidelity and

Two books I often recommend are: The Orthodox Church by Timothy Ware, and These are the Sacraments by Anthony Coniaris.

mutual trust within their lives across the life cycle. These are all indispensable values that promote marital well being and satisfaction. Before leaving these opening petitions, note that these prayers place an emphasis on community. Unlike our society that often values the individual above community, these prayers view both individual partners as being a part of a social, human ecology. They enlighten the couple with a truth often overlooked or disregarded by many contemporary couples—that marital satisfaction is protected and sustained within a village of faithful. It is interesting to note that the latest research agrees with this last point. Recent studies comparing religious and non-religious populations indicate that religious people report significantly higher rates of marital satisfaction and are less likely to consider divorce.

an Orthodox perspective is a more than sufficient witness of their dedication to one another. Moreover, the rings they will wear on their fingers will henceforth be a silent reminder of this commitment. It is not uncommon for non-Orthodox, and with increasing frequency many Orthodox Christians, to wonder why there is no exchange of vows. This perceived omission sometimes incites challenges. As such, I would like to suggest that those who are preparing to marry in the Orthodox Church prayerfully consider the content of the Orthodox wedding service, giving attention to the meaning of its prayers and rites. If this exercise is done, I believe it will help the couple deepen their perspective of this holy experience. When couples do so, most report that the sacrament is not incomplete because it lacks a verbal exchange of vows, but rather is a different way of proclaiming their commitment to one another—the Orthodox way.

Two Short Prayers The priest will subsequently read two short prayers. Though short, these prayers communicate significant theological truths about marriage. They remind the couple—as well as those in attendance—that God’s love has brought them together, and will sustain them in “peace and oneness of mind” across the marital life cycle. They also remind the couple that they are standing before God, family and the Church pledging to enter into an “indissoluble bond of love.” Regarding this last point, our society’s perspective is often watered down considerably. Simply listen to a few sit-coms or review what popular media have to say about marriage, and you will quickly discern that undying commitment and the idea of an “indissoluble bond” has little to do with how married couples are encouraged to think about their commitment to one another. More often than not, popular opinion promotes divorce as a solution to marital conflict—irrespective of children’s needs, and certainly, the other partner’s needs.

The Exchange of Rings A ring is a symbol of an unbroken circle, used almost universally across cultures and faith groups to symbolize the eternal commitment that a couple enters into when they wed. This holds true in the Orthodox wedding service. However, because this is a Christian rite, this symbolism is embedded within Christian theology, and takes on a Christian meaning. That stated, let us look a little more carefully at how this ritual unfolds. The priest will stand before the couple and bless them in the sign of the cross with their wedding rings. Beginning with the groom and then the bride, he will prayerfully intone the following statement: “The servant of God ______, is betrothed to the servant of God ______, in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.” This will be done three times. Once this step is complete, the priest will begin with the bride, prayerfully repeating the same pattern. From an Orthodox perspective, this liturgical action seals the couple’s commitment. No vows need be spoken. The couple’s silent participation in this rite presupposes their concurrence, and from

The Closing Prayer The final prayer is also the longest. It provides closure by recapping some of the overarching themes. It is also a transition into the second half of the service. Numerous Old Testament references tell the couple that God will protect their commitment, and guide their future footsteps, as He protected and guided other faithful before them.

Summary I pray that you discerned how this service provides parents much to model and teach their children who are growing up in a divorce culture. The Betrothal Service celebrates an understanding of commitment that does not fade away as a result of disappointments, distress and lingering conflict. While all couples will certainly be challenged across the marital life cycle, this part of the marriage service teaches them that these challenges can be overcome. Of course, in some instances, when one or both partners fail to protect their marriages, marriages die. In these cases, the Orthodox Church simply acknowledges this fact, and grants a Church Divorce. However, these cases are an exception, not the norm. We do not enter marriage believing that we can end it should we experience difficulties. We enter marriage knowing that our mutual commitment, the love of family, the faithful community in which we are embedded, together with God’s grace will help us through the hard times that will arise, not only helping us through, but bringing us closer together. Rev. Charles Joanides, Ph.D., LMFT, is Director of the Interfaith/Interchurch Marriage Project of the Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America. He is pastor of St. Nicholas Greek Orthodox Church in Newburgh, NY.

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Let the dead R E V. G E O R G E N I C O Z I S I N , M . T H .

“…See, now is the acceptable time; see, now is the day of salvation!”

2 Corinthians 6:2

Now when Jesus saw great crowds around Him, he gave orders to go over to the other side. A scribe then approached and said, ‘Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go.’ And Jesus said to him, ‘Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests; but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head.’ Another of his disciples said to him, ‘Lord, first let me go and bury my father.’ But Jesus said to him, ‘Follow me and let the dead bury their own dead…” (Matthew 8:18-22). In my early years at the seminary I found Matthew 8:22 quite troublesome and not a little disconcerting. I see the same reaction from parishioners when I read this passage during the Holy Unction service on Holy Wednesday. Eyes lighten and ears perk up as the provocative passage rolls off my lips: “Let the dead bury the dead!” At first sight these words appear harsh and perhaps even cruel. What did our Lord mean by these words that seem to contradict the honor we are told to show our parents by the Mosaic Law? The Jews felt it a sacred duty to ensure a decent burial for a dead parent. When Jacob of the Old Testament died, Joseph asked permission of Pharaoh to bury his father. The Prophet Elijah allowed Elisha, his protégé, to bid farewell to his father and mother. When Jesus was on the cross, He entrusted the care of His Mother to His Beloved Disciple John. And yet Jesus said, “Follow me and let the dead bury the dead.” Was Jesus saying that family devotion and discipleship are mutually exclusive? Despite the stern and unsympathetic tone of this saying, we must be careful not to extract a strictly literal translation. I submit to you that there is much more here than meets the eye. Therefore I invite you to join me in a journey of biblical exegesis. One possible explanation is that Jesus, recognizing that this young man lived in a sinful society, was exhorting him to leave quickly even if it meant leaving his father unburied. Nothing, not even the most sacred duty must delay his embarkation on the Christian way. But a more thorough investigation into the passage will give us even more insight. Firstly, it will help us to remember that Jesus spoke in the Aramaic dialect used in biblical Palestine at the time. Secondly, while all the rest of the New Testament books were written in Greek, Matthew first wrote his gospel in Aramaic. He either translated it into Greek or it was translated into Greek by others at a later date. However, today we have only

bury the dead A SERMON

the Greek translation from the Aramaic text. Therefore, in order to interpret this difficult verse, we must learn how the Jews of biblical times used the phrase: “I must bury my father.” The following story related by William Barclay, an eminent Bible commentator, helps to explain. According to the story, a Syrian missionary invited a young Palestianian to make an extensive visit to Europe. The Palestinian said, “First I must bury my father.” The missionary expressed his sorrow and sympathy that his father had died. The young Palestinian answered that his father had not died! He was still very much alive and in good health. What he meant was that he had parental obligations and family duties to fulfill before he could leave and go on the tour. In fact, he might not be able to go until after his father’s death. “First I must bury my father” became an idiom that basically meant, “Someday when I am free from family responsibilities I will follow you.” Knowing what we know of family responsibilities, this time might never come. This no doubt is what the man in the gospel incident meant. He was putting off following Jesus for many years to come, or perhaps a lifetime, and using his ties to family as an excuse. Jesus was wise. He knew the human heart. He knew well that if the man did not follow Him then, at that moment, he might never follow Him. And so He answered, “Let the dead bury the dead.” Again and again there come to us moments that require immediate action. The tragedy of life is so often the tragedy of such un-seized moments. We are moved to some lofty and noble goal or to the abandonment of some weakness or sinful habit. Or we are influenced to impart words of encouragement, or to give a gesture of friendliness to someone in need. The moment, however, passes; the evil that hinders us is never conquered. The healing word is never spoken and the cloud of stubbornness remains. In the best of us there is lethargy and inertia, indecision and procrastination. The Bible is replete with men, women and children who accepted God’s challenge and invitation: from the time of

Abraham, David and the prophets to John the Baptist, Andrew and Saul (who became Paul). In each instance God embraced them with love, fortified them with power and surrounded them with angels. God will do no less for us, but He expects us to respond now, not tomorrow. This is the message Jesus conveys to us in Matthew 8:22, eloquently, succinctly and clearly: to put away all excuses and follow him. “Let the dead bury the dead!”

Rev. Fr. George Nicozisin is a retired Greek Orthodox priest who served in parishes for forty years. He was director of the Deparment of Religious Education from 1973 to 1977 and has published numerous books on Orthodox theology. He now resides in St. Louis, Missouri. 17

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The

Flaws of theFifties

PRESVYTERA FREDERICA MATTHEWS-GREEN

“When I was a child, I spoke like a child…when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways.”

1 Corinthians 13:11

Some conservative Christians are tempted to look back on the 1950s as the golden age. Wouldn’t it be great, they think, if families were like the Ozzie-and-Harriet households of that day? Strong two-parent families, where the dads worked and the moms stayed home with the kids. Where kids were cherished and not hurried through childhood. Where “family values” were supported by schools, the media, and entertainment. If only things were like that again… …we could raise a new generation of Americans who would take drugs, burn flags, have indiscriminate sex, champion abortion, mock the faith, and complain continuously about what a lousy deal we handed them. There must have been something wrong with the fifties: they led to the sixties. The kids that grew up in those tidy two-parent homes weren’t out of their teens before they began doing all they could to overthrow that wholesome security. We shouldn’t try to blindly recapitulate that social experiment before asking: What went wrong? Though there are many factors, one short response might be: children received too much pampering attention. This sounds impossible in an age when millions of children are aborted, abandoned, and institutionalized in faceless day care. But

there are two different traditional approaches to childrearing, and they have widely differing results. In the fifties an attitude toward childhood bloomed which had first sprouted in the Victorian era. In this view, childhood is seen as a carefully delineated, circumscribed experience; it’s almost a physical place, a playroom stocked with toys, where precious children linger all a long golden afternoon. Adults look on with wistful, vicarious pleasure, fawning over the tots and shielding them from the harsh winds of the cruel adult world. Adults place a high value on preserving children’s “innocence.” But this view expects both too much and too little of children. The assumption of childhood innocence is naïve; although children are unknowledgeable about much of the world’s evil, they are far from innocent when it comes to the root of inborn sin, self-centeredness. The adult who expects children to be angelic sprites is in for a disappointment. The idea that children are born pure, then gradually corrupted by this evil old world is a Romantic notion of the late eighteenth century; it has no support in Scripture, developmental psychology, or commonsense experience. The process of unlearning selfcenteredness is a difficult, life-long one,

elsewhere known as “dying to self.” When a child’s natural tendency to pamper self goes unchallenged, there’s trouble down the road. Witness the late sixties, when my generation took a sledge-hammer to every aspect of cozy fifties life we could reach. The Baby Boomer crew is still mirrorgazing in fascination, gluttonous with consumerism, blubbering over its fragile self-esteem. We are a cohort of Emperor Babies, leaving spittle on everything we touch. But fifties-style childrearing also expected too little of children; it expected them to stay idle children, not adults-intraining. In indulgent childrearing, parents pay attention to children. In the earlier, scriptural approach, children pay attention to parents. Childhood is not a restingplace isolated from the world, but a brisk walk of growing self-discipline and responsibility; at the end, the child has earned the right to be counted as an adult. Childhood is just one phase of a continuum, a path of lifelong growth and accountability before God. Responsibility parenting does not isolate children in a special protected sphere, but places them at Mom or Dad’s knee learning daily the trades, chores, and skills of adulthood. Parents attempt to include their kids in the adult world as much as is feasible. As children accompany a parent moving through the day, they learn, not only skills, but values: how to be courteous, deal fairly, control temper, and plan ahead. If they are not spending those hours watching a parent, they’re watching someone else’s values.

Instead, responsibility mothering includes setting an example of full-fledged adult womanhood. While time spent cuddling and playing on the child’s level is an indispensable source of fun and security in a child’s life, a mother must also prepare her children for adulthood, not lifelong childhood. Her own long life will encompass many more roles and responsibilities than the intensive childtending of the early years. So she sets her kids an example of the “virtuous woman” of Proverbs 31, busy with home management, hobbies, and church ministries; she may even keep her hand in a career while caring for small children, by working from home or keeping on top of continuing-education opportunities.

similarly indulged. But the damage those children, now grown, have done will haunt us the rest of our lives. Let’s give our children something better than unlimited coddling; let’s give them the guidance to grow to mature, responsible lives.

Presvytera Frederica Matthews-Green is an author and speaker. She is also a commentator on National Public Radio and “Come Receive the Light” radio program. * Reprinted with permission: Frederica MatthewsGreen, Gender: Men, Women, Sex and Feminism. (Ben Lomand, CA: Conciliar Press), 2002.

When contemporary Christians look back longingly at the cozy family life of the fifties, we may forget to read the experiment to the end and assess how those kids turned out. Rather than adopting the Ozzie-and-Harriet model wholesale, we should look to older traditions for something more spiritually nutritious. Jesus used the illustration of a father who, when his son asked for bread, would not give him a stone. In an age when children are treated as property, discarded and killed, we may long to answer the simple call for bread with cuddling and cake. The fifties glow as a time when children were

An approach that directs attention from child to parent, rather than the reverse, also calls into question another fifties assumption: that a mother’s job is full-time doting. Not only did the fifties style of child-centered mothering feed childish selffascination, but it led to such loneliness, frustration, and depression in some educated women that the feminist movement sprang up in response. 19

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MEMBERS OF THE PRESVYTERA RENEE RITSI

“All the ends

of the earth

have seen the salvation of

our God.”

Isaiah 56:7

As religious educators it is critical for us to present our Church’s concept of family to our youth. Oftentimes when we define a word our past experiences may influence our understanding of that word. When we define the word family we may first think of the actual family members who live with us. As we stretch this initial definition of the word, we may include our extended family that lives far away. Perhaps we might even expand those boundaries and say that we have family in the old country. The circles which we include in our definition of family become even larger when we consider our Orthodox Church family around the world. I challenge you to widen the definition of family to include the Orthodox living all over the world. In Ephesians 3:15, St. Paul speaks "For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named." In the Orthodox Study Bible the study note for that verse states that a family is a group descended from one ancestor. As our Holy Orthodox Church spreads around the world, catechizing and baptizing people into the family of Christ, and as they too begin calling upon God as Father, we see that our family boundary is truly increasing. In another verse from St. Paul’s Epistle to the Ephesians, we hear the challenging message that we are all members of the household of God (Eph 2:17). "And He came and preached peace to you who were afar off and to those who were near. For through Him we both have access by one Spirit to the Father. Now, therefore, you are no longer strangers and foreigners, but fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God." Christ came to preach peace to those near and far. St. Paul then goes on to say that we—through Christ—are members of the household of God, and as members of the household of God we are no longer strangers and foreigners, but family. So that our youth are aware of belonging to the large family of our Holy Orthodox Church, as religious educators it is critical for us to present Orthodox Missions in our classroom. This ‘belonging’ to a larger group brings with it a sense of comfort in our disenfranchised

HOUSEHOLD OF GOD

society and at the same time it brings with it a great responsibility. For, as brothers and sisters in Christ, we take joy in knowing that Orthodoxy is transforming the lives of people around the world and this encourages us to live in imitation of Christ, living our lives according to His Will. Observing the growth of Orthodoxy around the world, we look beyond our own small world and see Christ at work in the lives of others.

Christians love one another. They never fail to help widows; they save orphans from those who would hurt them. If a man has something, he gives freely to the man who has nothing. If they see a stranger, Christians take him home and are happy, as though he were a real brother. They don’t consider themselves brothers in the usual sense, but brothers … through the Spirit of God…. There is something divine in them.

Our actions become the means which express to others that we are Christian. For a moment let us examine a very ancient text which was written by a non-Christian, Aristides, who defended a group of Christians before they were led off to martyrdom. In his defense he beautifully described the life—the transformed life—of Christians, motivated by the example and words of Christ, to live a life which is different from the society in which they dwelled:

Christ’s life and His words motivated these early Christians to action. Just as the Christians of the first centuries were motivated to action, we too can be transformed as a member of the household of God. As our horizons are opened and we see our Orthodox faith embraced by people of different ethnic and cultural backgrounds, the value of our faith becomes evident. For example, as we are introduced to Orthodox youth who must walk long distances—miles

in the warm sun or pouring rain—to attend services, we no longer take our Church for granted. As we see others making life-style changes when they learn about the Christian way of life, we are encouraged to make good moral and ethical decisions even if they go against the wave of social acceptance. To see others translating the words of Christ into action, even though they live in extreme poverty, or in areas where Christians are persecuted, encourages us to live a Christian life with Christ-like actions. The example of an Orthodox youth group in Tanzania shows us a very concrete example of Christ’s words transforming individuals to a life of action. The Orthodox Church in Tanzania is growing slowly but steadily. Twenty-one priests and one deacon struggle to offer our holy Orthodox faith to forty thousand believers in Tanzania, a nation of thirty million people. Communities of Orthodox lay in isolated pockets, far from phones and

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electricity and linked to other cities only by foot paths. Priests may visit a parish once a month or even less frequently as the church is spreading more quickly than trained clergy are being ordained. Poverty is rampant throughout the entire country. Orthodox young people have heard about Christ’s compassion for His creation and have been motivated to gather together as a youth group and translate this concern into action in their lives. Seeking out the elderly whose children had moved away to find a better life in larger cities, the youth thought of what they could do to share Christ’s love with them. Many of the villagers live in grass homes which need regular repairs. The youth came up with a project to restore the homes of their neighbors regardless of their church affiliation. In addition, they wrote plays about Bible stories and addressed social and ethical issues in order to teach and entertain the community. To understand the life-changing effect Orthodox Christianity has on others opens our eyes to the effect our faith can have on our own lives and community when we really apply ourselves to living our faith. When Orthodox Missions is presented in our

Sunday School classes, our children grow up with an encompassing world-view. We display our love for Christ through following His word—through a life transformed to action—and we see modern-day examples of Orthodox youth groups alive in Christ in Tanzania. Through exposure to Orthodox Missions our concept of family is enlarged and we learn to be aware of the world and others around us. Our own faith becomes precious and sought-after by people who are searching for the true faith, established by Christ our Savior. As our vision of the "household of God’ broadens to include Orthodox from around the world, we are greatly enriched both by our Orthodox faith and our family. The Orthodox Christian Mission Center in St. Augustine, Florida is the foreign mission body of our Holy Orthodox Church in the USA. With the imperative of the Gospel of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who commissioned us to "go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit" (Matthew 28:19) the Mission Center sends long-term missionaries and short-term teams into the field, supports 237 indigenous priests in fifteen countries, and supports numerous philanthropic and scholarship programs

around the world. The OCMC provides a Sunday School lesson plan to raise Mission awareness for our Orthodox youth. The Mission Lesson plan for 2003 is entitled: "The Household of God" and is available by contacting the OCMC or on our website at OCMC.org.

Presvytera Renee Ritsi is the SAMP (Support a Mission Priest) Coordinator at the Orthodox Christian Mission Center in St. Augustine, FL.

Naming Our Children FOR THEIR SPIRITUAL FAMILY

PHYLLIS MESHEL ONEST, M. DIV.

When a couple awaits the birth of a child, much time and effort is taken in selecting a name. There can be much disagreement at times until just the right name is selected. The name of a child is important. It goes with our child throughout his/her life. Today people choose their children's names on a far different basis than in the past. Parents pick a name because of the way it sounds, or after a sports or entertainment personality of the moment. We find people of traditional Orthodox background with names like Alisha, Kimberly or Elvis. Traditionally, however, people chose names for more substantial reasons. To express continuity with their family they would "recycle" the names of parents, grandparents or other relatives. Thus the family of John the Baptist was surprised when his mother chose a name that was not common among them: "None of your relatives has this name" (Luke 1:61). I have three cousins in Greece named for our grandmother, Stelliane, by their fathers (my uncles). There was Stelliane of John, Stelliane of Matthew, and Stelliane of Aristides! I learned from an elderly woman, Mary, of a local parish that in her day (Mary is ninety) the first-born girl was named Mary in honor of the Theotokos. During memorial services, my daughter Maria Irene (named after her grandmothers, Mary and Irene) counted fifty-six Mary's amidst the litany of "Mary, Mary, Olga, Helen.…"

Named in Christ Christians have long chosen the names of saints to proclaim their link with their spiritual family, the Church. The name may be that of a saint commemorated on the day or near to the day of the child's birth, or for whom the family has a special devotion. Likewise, an adult who is received into the Orthodox Church chooses the name of a saint to whom he/she has a strong attachment. In days past, this was often a costly kind of witness for believers living in a non-Christian society, as their very names (Nicholas or George, Elias or Barbara) automatically labeled them as Christians. The church calendar lists a number of saints whose memory may be observed each day of the year. One's "Nameday" is an occasion to honor the memory of the saint whose name we bear and to give thanks for his or her daily intercession on our behalf. It is my understanding that people whose names are not found on the calendar of saints would celebrate on All Saints Day, the Sunday after Pentecost.

“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward.”

Psalm 127:3

It is to our patron saint that we should pray and have a special devotion. His or her life should be read and studied. In this way we learn how our own lives should be directed. Our patron saint becomes a true hero/heroine for us to emulate.

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Soon, however, children begin to ask questions about death, heaven and hell. Having a relationship with those who have died in Christ (the saints) can help to conquer the child's natural fear of death. Later the idea of children giving gifts or favors on their Namedays would be another weapon in the parents' arsenal against possessiveness and materialism, cravings that affect every child.

Celebrating Name Days A number of popular customs are practiced among Orthodox Christians on Namedays. Among some Orthodox, a service is celebrated by the parish community—either a service of intercession in the saint's honor or the Divine Liturgy. The persons named after the saint might offer the sweet bread, the Artoklasia, to be shared by the worshippers. Another simple way that Orthodox acknowledge the Nameday of their parishioners is for the priest to intone "God Grant You Many Years" at the end of a service. The Congregation in response sings “God Grant You Many Years” to all parishioners who share the name of the saint who is being celebrated on that day. There may be a cake during coffee hour for those bearing the name of the saint of the day. Many Orthodox Christians celebrate their name day by inviting family and friends to their home. Since this day is to focus on the saint, his/her icon is prominently displayed. Whoever comes to visit wishes "Happy Name Day" to the celebrant. Favors or token gifts can be part of the day, but with a significant difference, the person whose name day it is gives the gifts rather than receives them. Giving is the best sign of gratitude for Christians. I remember one such day while a student at Holy Cross Seminary. It was the feast of St. Maximos the Confessor, January 21, Metropolitan Maximos', then Fr. Max's, Nameday. During a Dogmatics class, a classmate, Fr. Steven Callos wished Fr. Max a happy Nameday, and half-jokingly asked him if he was going to treat us for his Nameday. To our surprise he said yes. That evening we traveled to his brother's home for coffee and sweets! In the family much can be done to initiate children into this custom of celebrating Namedays. During the early years the child will simply delight in being the center of attention yet again. Bringing out the saint's icon, placing it in a central location and adorning it with flowers shows our devotion to the saint. When my daughter Maria was in preschool, we celebrated the Theotokos' birthday (September 8) by having Maria blow out candles on cupcakes. We still have the pictures!

In the home, icons of the patrons of family members should be obtained and placed in the family icon corner or in the rooms of the individual family members. On the Nameday these icons could be placed in a special setting surrounded by candles and flowers. The family could go to church for the Liturgy or arrange for a special service preceding a festive gathering in the home. The life of the saint could be read or related at mealtime, the troparion of the patron saint read or sung, and special treats served. Inventive families have planned skits, made mini Pilgrimages to local churches named for the saint followed by a trip to the child's favorite restaurant, or created banners and other home decorations about the patron. The child can help prepare the liturgical or party foods, make or pick out favors to give to friends or relatives or otherwise help with the day's preparations. You can imagine that children, who generally like being the center of attention, would react favorably to this "something special" which our Church tradition offers. The Church is one body in Christ: one household of all the baptized living or dead with Christ as its Head. Maintaining and celebrating our association with one of the great saints of Christian history helps us to see the Church, not as an impersonal institution but as it is meant to be: one family under the lordship of Christ. Saints who died before the Great Schism in 1054 belong to both the Eastern Orthodox and Roman Catholic Churches. The Internet has many sites dedicated to Saints, Orthodox and others. “Orthodox World Links” found on TheoLogic’s website [http://www.theologic.com] can take you many places. Here are just a few: Common Names & Namedays: http://www.theologic.com/oflweb/feasts/saintdts.htm Orthodox Saints of the British Isles: http://www.theologic.com/oflweb/inhome/britsts.htm Saints Called upon for Special Purposes: http://www.theologic.com/oflweb/inhome/pray2sts.htm Phyllis Meshel Onest holds a Master of Divinity from Holy Cross Greek Orthodox School of Theology and is the Director of Religious Education for the Greek Orthodox Metropolis of Pittsburgh.

Making a Space for Prayer at Home M A R I LY N R O U V E L A S

Before marrying into a large Orthodox family, I came from a dysfunctional family in which my mother told me from a young age that she would divorce my father, and did when I turned eighteen. Perhaps the lack of safety in my family of origin has helped me cherish the family my husband and I have created over the past thirty-five years together, starting with our two children, their spouses, and now two grandchildren. I have known both the pain of living in a fragile family and the joy of belonging to a stable one. How does a stable family evolve? I am not a professional in the field of marriage and family, but through the years have learned that the basic components required to establish a solid family are love, trust, forgiveness, communication, commitment, discipline, and responsible behavior. These do not come easily for any family. However, in a family who commits to living a life of prayer, they will evolve more naturally and deepen through the years. This happens when families work to establish a foundation of prayer in the home. The Orthodox tradition of the ikonothiki (center for icons) provides a physical setting for the practice of regular prayer and worship. One of the most important spaces in the home, here an individual or the whole family can gather to say prayers of supplication and thanksgiving. It is a place to commemorate

special family occasions and feast days. Here the family is constantly reminded through the icons that Christ and the saints are with us every day. If you do not already have an ikonothiki, establishing one is easy. It usually contains the following items: icons of Christ, the Theotokos, family patron saints, and significant church events; cross; prayer book; Bible; seal for communion bread; censer and incense; candle; marriage crowns; and seasonal items from church holidays such as a piece of vasilopeta, holy water from Epiphany, palms from Palm Sunday, holy oil from Holy Unction, flowers from Good Friday, Easter egg, etc. If possible, try to set up the ikonothiki somewhere accessible to all members of the family and locate it so that they will pray facing east. (According to Orthodox belief, Christ, the light of the world, will come again from the East.) There are variations of ways to arrange the ikonothiki. The items may go into a glass-enclosed cabinet, on open shelves, and/or hung on the walls above a small table.

â&#x20AC;&#x153;Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who

build itâ&#x20AC;Ś.â&#x20AC;?

Psalm 127:1

Once the ikonothiki is in your home, it gently invites prayer and worship. Here the family can develop a regular religious practice in the home, essential for the religious foundation so necessary to good family life. Praying together at the ikonothiki and at the table before meals brings everyone closer together. Something

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remarkable happens when family members become quiet and put aside their activities to speak and listen to God. They are united in their petitions and thankfulness. They recognize God as the source of their lives and blessings. The ikonothiki is also a powerful tool in participating in the worship cycle in the Orthodox Church. Since so many of the feast days and special events in the church are based on Christ’s life and that of his mother, there is the opportunity to remember these events by displaying icons that commemorate them. (Sets of paper icons for the feast days are affordable and easily stored when not in use.) For example, at Epiphany, an icon of the baptism of Christ and holy water from church can be given a place of honor. On Good Friday, an icon of the Crucifixion and a flower from the kouvouklion (funeral bier) can be highlighted. Bible readings and prayers appropriate to the day can be read, as well as writings of the Fathers. Patron saints of family members can be remembered by decorating their icons with fresh flowers. These rituals are reminders of the importance of Christ, his life and the saints for the family. In the Orthodox teaching, each person is made in the image of God, but falls short because of sin. The goal in life is to return to that image, achieve theosis (become more like God). God sent Christ to redeem our fallen nature and enable us to live our lives in Him. The saints are people who exemplify such a life in Christ. When families create a physical space to acknowledge Christ as their true life, take time from their busy schedules to quiet themselves in prayer, the miracle of a solid family is closer to being realized.

Marilyn Rouvelas is the author of A Guide to Greek Traditions and Customs in America and a member of the Greek Orthodox Archdiocese “Roundtable on the Family.”

Choosing a

S pou se

A Contemporary View of the Advice from St. John Chrysostom

MICHAEL A. KALLAS, M.A., M.DIV.

The objective of this article is to consider the contemporary relevance of an ancient patristic text in the area of mate selection. We will look specifically at St. John Chrysostom’s How to Choose a Wife and Homily 12 on Colossians 4:18 in order to understand how Chrysostom advised his fourth century audience on this topic. We will then compare Chrysostom’s concerns with contemporary psychological perspectives on mate selection. Point by point we will highlight similarities and differences between Chrysostom’s advice and the tenets used by contemporary counselors to prepare engaged couples for a successful marriage and well-adjusted family. Chrysostom’s advice on mate selection can be broken down into six main points:

“The kiln tests the potter’s vessels; so the

Point 1 - View marriage for the important decision that it is One very obvious overlap between Chrysostom’s view and that of current psychology is in their treating mate selection as a decision of great consequence. Chrysostom does not take the decision to marry lightly and he exhorts his audience to the same view. For the sake of comparison he alludes to the foresight that, in the ancient world, went into buying households and slaves. One who chooses a wife, he argues, should undoubtedly show even more foresight due to the permanency of marriage (he then declares that houses and slaves, unlike a marriage, can be returned). His point is not to equate marriage with slavery nor is it to objectify women. He merely gives examples (contemporary for his audience) of how much time, effort, and consideration are invested in other decisions and urges his audience to apply this process to marriage since it is permanent and cannot be undone.

test of a person is in his conversation.”

Sirach 27:5

The permanency of marriage shows that it is more than a personal matter, but rather subject to divine law. This introduces a sublime element into it. And as with anything associated with the law of God it carries both the risk of divine punishment if transgressed, and the promise of blessing and virtue if it is obeyed (a teaching clearly grounded in both the Old and New Testament.) Psychology in its own way affirms the magnitude of mate selection when it, for example, recommends that couples have a courtship period of an appropriate length. (At least a one-year courtship seems to be an ideal.) The longer the couple has been involved before marriage, psychology attests, the better will be their opportunity to get to know and observe each other in a wide variety of settings. Consequently, a longer courtship decreases the possibility of premarital deception and increases the potential to truly know and understand the person one is marrying. Both Chrysostom and current psychology recognize the social ramifications of marriage. Both affirm that appropriate preparation for marriage is necessary to increase family wellness and

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St. John does not even give his own opinion about marriage but rather faithfully relates the biblical teaching. Thus Chrysostom himself exemplifies the wisdom of using an external reference point. Moreover, he endorses not just any external reference in general, but the writings of St. Paul in particular. He gives examples of potential problems in marriage as well as possible reasons a man might give to divorce his wife. The way to handle this, he says, is to "consult" the apostle Paul. In this way he is inviting his audience to adopt a practice of consulting a source of wisdom for counsel. This notion challenges contemporary society in which individuals are accustomed to being their own reference point. Many hold that marriage is a private affair, to be lived out however the couple (or the more powerful individual in the marriage) decides. This sets the stage for an antisocial stance and power struggles within the marital dyad. According to Chrysostom, when husbands-to-be submit to scripture via St. Paul, "…we will gain not only the benefit that will never divorce her, but also that we will love her intensely…." Thus, the gain is two-fold: 1) a long lasting marriage and 2) a strong love. This is powerfully illustrated in the Orthodox liturgical rite of marriage when, after the couple is crowned, they take their first steps as a couple. The priest who leads them holds none other than the gospel itself—the couple’s way is to be illustrated by the Word of God! Is there a contemporary analog to this point?

thus decrease dysfunction and divorce. Many parishes require some type of premarital counseling and education (although exact requirements are not uniform or evenly applied from parish to parish). Requiring preparation for marriage clearly challenges the privatization of marriage by connecting it to society as a whole. It also confronts the notion that people innately know how to have a good marriage. Or put in another way, no matter how much knowledge a couple may claim to have in this area, they should not be exempt from preparatory programs for such an important decision with such farreaching societal ramifications.

Point 2 – Use an external reference point as part of the decision-making process The principle that couples should not be left to themselves while preparing for marriage leads to the next point. Chrysostom in no uncertain terms directs the attention of those considering marriage to the writings of St. Paul: "I advise, therefore, and exhort those who are about to marry that they should approach the blessed Paul and read the laws which he has recorded concerning marriage."

A contemporary counterpart might be found in couples who, when they undergo a premarital counseling/education program, defer in some degree to the program itself. That is, they acknowledge that they will learn something significant from this process that they could not learn on their own. They are consulting some type of expert/authority whether it is a minister, counselor, or physician. There are also many contemporary tools for helping couples prepare for marriage. Among them are formal tests that assess a couple’s strengths and weakness, and mentoring programs. All of these are resources that couples can turn to in making this important decision. How are these similar to what Chrysostom prescribes and how are they different? While pre-marital preparation tools outside of the church offer couples a reference point outside of themselves, none of them prescribe scripture as a source of wisdom. We might compare secular mentoring programs in which a new couple is asked to probe the "story," so to speak, of an older, mentor couple. In the same way, Chrysostom asks his audience to probe the scriptural story for the models offered there. And while both current psychological methods and Chrysostom confer that couples seek a third party for wisdom on their decision to marry, scripture is only binding to those who are members of a particular faith community. In our study of Chrysostom’s homilies, we must remember that a homily, by definition, is an exhortation to the faith community and cannot be imposed on those outside of it. We can conclude that it is wise for everyone, regardless of faith identity, to seek guidance when preparing to marry. But Christians in particular, are directed to what Chrysostom would consider the highest and best source: the Word of God.

Point 3 – Have a common vision for life Premarital counseling will usually provide a forum for members of a couple to discuss and learn about each other’s values. The process includes understanding on some level what is important to each of the partners and what life means to each; they are the ones to define the content of the life vision they will share. Similarly, Chrysostom clearly affirms that couples should share a common vision for life. But what is the content of this vision for the Christian couple? While non-Christian psychology allows the couple to determine the content of that vision, Chrysostom recommends that a couple direct their line of vision not to any arbitrary source, but to the Word of God. This is supported in Chrysostom’s text firstly in his consistent reference to the writings of St. Paul, secondly in his frequent scriptural references (note that between the two homilies in question, he makes forty-three direct references to scripture), and finally in the way he holds up Old Testament couples such as Isaac and Rebecca as teaching examples. This notion of marital and family unity is informed by the biblical theme of unity among the people of God and by the unity of Christ and the Church.

Point 4 – Have a common vision for marriage Psychology speaks of the "I" of the individual transformed into the "we" of the marital dyad. Such transformation might take place by default as the couple plans their life together and shares experiences over time. Christians might call this "unity" in the scriptural sense or, the two becoming "one flesh." But Christian unity requires more from us as it is modeled after the unity between the people of God, and between Christ and the Church. As said, scriptural themes are central in Chrysostom’s teaching. But how is this unity accomplished? A careful review of these homilies shows that Chrysostom’s vision of marriage includes the following characteristics: love expressed as service, forgiveness, and acts of gentleness and kindness. The husband is to be a servant to his wife according to the model of Christ and the Church in Ephesians 5:25: "He gave himself up for her." This role of servant has two important implications. First, a servant follows someone else’s rule instead of doing as he wills. Second, a servant focuses on tending to the needs of the other. In marriage, it is no longer what I want but an attunement to the needs of my wife or husband. For the one who is married there are really only two realities: God and the spouse. Forgiveness is another practice by which a Christian couple achieves unity. Again Chrysostom sets the bar high: "…if your wife sins against you more times than you can count, you must forgive and pardon everything." What does this mean for marriage? An attitude of forgiveness is incompatible with that of judgment. Thus, regardless of the fact that one’s spouse is a sinner one cannot use that as an excuse to pronounce judgment, or justify oneself. Acts of gentleness and kindness are the third way in which St. John

tells couples how to achieve Christian unity. A husband is admonished to take this approach even if his wife is bad-tempered. A husband in this predicament must pattern his actions after the example shown by Christ toward the church—a powerful image when one considers how in scripture the people of God repeatedly rebel against him. Divine faithfulness and mercy must be emulated. Only when there is an atmosphere of caring rather than rejection can a marriage be transforming for both spouses. The husband is called to be faithful regardless of his wife’s behavior. According to divine example he is to respond to his wife’s sins with forgiveness. It is important to note that while God allows humans to participate in divine activity (procreation for example), judgment is reserved for God alone.

Point 5 – Choose a spouse based on virtue not on wealth In Homily 19 (on I Corinthians 7) Chrysostom asserts that marriage exists to promote virtue. Chrysostom prioritizes virtue to the extent that he advises both men and women to search for virtue when considering the qualities of a mate. In his Homily 12, St. John advises parents to look for "piety, gentleness, wisdom, and the fear of the Lord" in a husband if they want their daughters to be happy. Throughout the sermon, How to Choose a Wife, he elaborates the qualities of virtue with special attention to the scriptural narrative of the marriage of Isaac and Rebecca. He uses this reference to illustrate for his audience the qualities of modesty, chastity, hospitality, generosity, physical vigor and beauty. Using scripture, he radically redefines marriage, providing a corrective for people of that time who had their own vision of marriage. Chrysostom contrasts this to those who marry for wealth, social status, and physical beauty (alone) in his advice to both men and women as each searches for a spouse. For example, to emphasize the uniqueness of a Christian marriage, St. John cautions against extravagant spending of money for the wedding reception. Charity is another characteristic that distinguishes Christian marriage. Chrysostom recommends that the poor be invited to the wedding banquet and, in this action of charity, Christ himself is present. Such hospitality is reinforced by the story of Isaac and Rebecca. For Chrysostom, hospitality is the greatest virtue. The hospitable couple opens their household to strangers and provides their guests for more than what is asked. In emphasizing hospitality, Chrysostom underscores the biblical mandate to love the neighbor. If a man and woman find each other attractive for these qualities and choose spouses with these criteria in mind they will enjoy the benefits of marital compatibility and longevity. Does this teaching make any points of contact with psychology? The first thing people tend to notice about others is their physical appearance, and whether we like to admit it or not, physical appearance plays a key role in who we select as mates. Two people who initially find each other physically attractive are likely to interact, and interaction is necessary for relationship formation. As the couple interacts, they learn more about each other, find common interests, and eventually physical appearance becomes less important in keeping the relationship

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going. However, upon first encounter, an individual’s perception of another’s physical appearance is the strongest determinant of whether future interactions will occur. Chrysostom does not seem to deny that physical attraction takes place but always mentions physical beauty in the context of virtue. In contemporary premarital counseling a couple is encouraged to go beyond mere physical attraction when asked to explore what each one values: honesty, achievement, community service, fun, and time for family, for example. It is also important that partners explore and discuss their mutual expectations prior to marriage. Participants are invited not only to describe the behaviors they expect, but to state the behaviors they do not expect. This is done with the goal of understanding and clarifying each other’s views without criticizing or judging each other. All of this corresponds with Chrysostom’s teaching: a couple must find each other attractive on a level that transcends the surface—whether material wealth, or physical beauty. As we saw earlier, meeting the other’s needs (in the manner of a servant) is a necessary component of interpersonal relationships for Chrysostom. Likewise, the Gottman Love and Respect Scale is an assessment test designed to evaluate the degree to which a couple exercises such merits as demonstrating concern for the other’s feelings, giving affection, valuing the other’s point of view, and showing genuine interest in the other, among others. These behaviors resonate with those of servanthood and concern for the other that Chrysostom teaches. This psychological assessment tool can be used as a springboard for a couple to discuss a marital relationship that is predicated on the biblical teaching of love for the neighbor. Psychology, then, confirms a view of marriage that is sacramental in that it is characterized by a love and commitment qualitatively different from a relationship centered on self-gratification. Building on these principles, love reaches beyond the marital dyad to achieve an unconditional love of the neighbor.

Point 6 – Family of Origin is Important We have looked at the dynamics and issues related to the couples themselves. What of the family of each one? Does Chrysostom have anything to say about the family of origin in his advice to those contemplating marriage? In an indirect way he does. While giving the biblical example of Rebecca he connects upbringing with virtue. He maintains that virtuous daughters like Rebecca had "virtue in their souls" and "a great vigor in their bodies" because "those mothers gave their daughters all kinds of hardy training." By illustrating how daughters develop virtue in their family of origin he makes a case for the impact of upbringing. Rebecca demonstrates how the daughter’s family shapes the kind of adult the daughter will become. Does contemporary psychology find it necessary to delve into the family history of those preparing for marriage? Premarital counseling does typically explore the partners’ families of origin. The purpose here is not only to look at the parental models that a man and woman bring into their relationship, but also to trace how these models influence the

way they treat one another. Perhaps this is why we often hear the experienced caution the inexperienced that they cannot expect to marry an individual without, in the process, marrying that individual’s entire family. Combining what we know about the influence of families of origin with Chrysostom’s observations we may extrapolate that one would be wise to inquire into the other’s family of origin as part of the mate selection process.

Some Conclusions We can conclude that this ancient text has relevance today as evidenced by the numerous points of contact between it and contemporary psychological views of premarital counseling. Psychology provides couples with a variety of tools and forums to aid them as they prepare for marriage. It also provides interventions for couples that experience obstacles to a attaining a functioning relationship. In the midst of a societal shift from tradition and obligation to autonomy and self-gratification it seems increasingly crucial to teach about marriage as sacrament and provide a language for couples to describe it as such. As we saw earlier most premarital counseling trains couples to explore one another’s values and expectations—an approach that moves the marriage conversation beyond self-gratification. Chrysostom furthers the challenge by applying the gospel of Jesus Christ to marriage. Marriage thus becomes the training ground to practice loving the neighbor in the person of one’s spouse. By appealing to divine law and the gospel, Chrysostom affirms that marriage is more than a private emotional relationship: it is also a social good with a variety of positive outcomes for children, adults and even the larger community.

Bibliography Caring Couples Network, The United Methodist Church, P.O. Box 840, Nashville, TN, 37202. Giles, C., Giles, J., McKay, J., & McKay, P. Couple-to-Couple: A Manual for Training Lay Mentor Couples. (1996). Tulsa, OK: Coupleto-Couple Press. Glendon, M.A. & Blankenhorn, D. (1995). Seedbeds of Virtue: Sources of competence, character, & citizenship in American society. Lanham, MD: Madison Books. Gottman, J.M. (1999). The Marriage Clinic: A Scientifically-Based Marital Therapy. New York: W.W. Norton & Company. Hatfield, E. & Rapson, R. (1996). Love and Sex: Cross-Cultural Perspectives. Boston: Allyn & Bacon, 1996. Hatzopoulos, H.P. (1991). The Marriage Service According to the Rite of the Greek Orthodox Church. Boston: Hatzopoulos. Hunt, R.A., Hof, L., & DeMaria, R. (1998). Marriage Enrichment: Preparation, Mentoring, and Outreach. Philadelphia: Brunner/Mazel. Knox, D. (1979). Exploring and the Family. Glenview, IL: Scott, Foresman. McManus, M.J. (1995). Marriage Savers: Helping Your Friends and Family Avoid Divorce (rev. ed.), Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Press. Olson, D.H., Fournier, D.G., & Druckman, J.M. (1992). Prepare/Enrich Counselorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Manual. Minneapolis: PREPARE/ENRICH Life Innovations, Inc. Roth, C.P. & Anderson, D. (1986). St. John Chrysostom: On Marriage and Family Life. Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimirâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Seminary Press. Stahler, J. Cartoon. Newspaper Enterprise Association, Inc., 2001. Stahmann, R.F. & Hiebert, W.J. (1997). Premarital & Remarital Counseling. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers. Worthington, E.L., Jr. (ed.). (1996). Christian Marital Counseling. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books.

Michael Kallas holds a Master of Divinity from Holy Cross and is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the Assistant Director of the Office of Student Life at Hellenic College/Holy Cross Greek Orthodox School of Theology.

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LoveDivine The Sacramental Form of Sexual Love in the Traditions of East and West

DEACON JOHN OLIVER

“My beloved is mine and I am his….”

Song of Solomon 2:16

Anthropological confusion is one of the enduring, and mournful, legacies of the Fall in the Garden. The Christian sense of who man is remains shattered in most of the world, and no clear sense can emerge of who woman is while such confusion remains about who man is. Understanding male and female differentiation is possible only within the context of relationship, just as an appreciation of the unique quality of blue, for example, is possible only when it is compared with red. Consider marriage. For those who believe that a sacrament of the Church must always be angelic and peaceful to be efficacious, there is the example of marriage. Indeed, sparks may fly as iron sharpens iron, but all the toil and grating is going somewhere – toward the purification of husband and wife. In Orthodox marriage, male and female differentiation is gradually refined until the differences become complimentary. Commenting on Matthew 19:5 – “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”1 Fr Matthias Wahba in Honorable Marriage According to St Athanasius notes that “the saying of the Lord does not promise that marriage will bring about ‘one heart,’ but only ‘one flesh.’” To become one flesh requires only a moment of urge and opportunity, but to become one heart requires monumental feats of dying to self and unconditional love for another. In an age of such anthropological confusion, one would hope that true prophetic guidance would come from the Christian Church. One, in fact, would be disappointed. George Barna, the leading authority on statistical surveys of religious America, has discovered in a recent poll that the differences separating the believing culture from the unbelieving culture amount to something less than a thin vapor. Consider these findings: • The divorce rate among Christians is no different than the divorce rate among non-Christians; • Only a minority of Christian adults (44 percent) and Christian teenagers (9 percent) are certain that absolute truth exists; • A relationship with God rates sixth, after “a comfortable lifestyle,” on a list of twenty-one life goals.2 Barna’s findings suggest the sad encroachment of modernity upon those who once believed in ancient truths. But while Orthodox Christians have our share of struggles with anthropology and sexuality – abortion rates, for example, are higher in the Orthodox communities of America than in the surrounding secular culture3 – we have never known any form of dogmatic confusion over these matters. The Western Churches, in contrast, have a different problem—the institutionalization of anthropological and sexual confusion. Simply put, trouble in the East comes when we do not practice what we preach; trouble in the West comes when they do practice what they preach.

Wahba, p. 185.

Houston Chronicle Newspaper, October 4, 2002.

Statistics courtesy of CareNet, the parent organization for Zoe For Life, a crisis pregnancy care center for Orthodox Christians.

Two points emerge: first, Orthodoxy alone has fully preserved the Scriptural and Patristic understandings of right anthropology and sexuality; and second, anthropological and sexual confusion is not an East-West problem, but a human problem. The Orthodox Tradition is clear on questions of personhood and relationship, but that does not mean the Orthodox Christian is. Right Sexuality Defined Anthropology is the study of the human being, of origins and cultures, but our focus will be on the sexual dimension of anthropology, and even narrower still, on the sacramental form of sexual love. Here, the differences between East and West appear stark: the Eastern Tradition has typically understood that sexual love can be, but is not automatically, sacramental; the Western Tradition has understood that sexual love, though admittedly necessary for propagation, is intrinsically sinful, void of sacramental possibility. Both Traditions root their understandings deep in the soil of Eden. Let us begin by defining our terms. Philip Sherrard writes: [The] sacramental form of sexual love is something different from the love (if it can be called that) which is simply sensual desire or passion. It is something different even from that mutual sympathy, fidelity, and affection which by and large stands as the Christian ideal of marriage. What is indicated in this form of love is a relationship between two people – a man and a woman – in which through their mutual awareness and recognition of each other they experience what Plato calls that ‘something, they do not know what’ which overflows their beings and transforms their individual existence into a single reality.4 Sherrard is describing here an awareness and recognition which is a total act of the soul. But we must be absolutely clear that the sacramental form of sexual love has nothing necessarily to do with carnal expression. It is sexual love inasmuch as it involves both sexes, and only secondarily may it involve sexual activity between a male and female within marriage. It is, rather, the mystical state of otherness overcome, in which differences between male and female are acknowledged and transcended. Such transcendence occurs between male and female, but also within male and female. “The human being is a kind of natural bond,” writes St Maximus the Confessor, “mediating between the universal poles through their proper parts, and leading into unity in itself those things that are naturally set apart from one another by a great interval.”5 Understood theologically, the sacramental form of sexual love is, in origin, “a spiritual energy. It is rooted in divine life itself,” Sherrard notes, “and its principle is placed in man and woman in their creation.” We tend to distinguish between the love of God and the love of one person for another – to distinguish between agape and eros – and to regard the second as a rather debased form of the first, if not as directly opposed to the first and only indulged at the expense of the first. In a [sacramental form of sexual love] there is no such distinction. It is transcended and eliminated and

Sherrard, pp. 1-2. St Maximus the Confessor, Difficulty 41. 6 Sherrard, pp. 2,3.

there is but a single communion, a single participation of the man and the woman and the divine in each other, although it must be remembered that however transparent the two human beings become to each other in its light, the divine itself always remains hidden and inaccessible in its essence.6 We have seen such powerful, comprehensive love before, for it is with agape that God so loved the world. John Romanides observes that God loves both His only-begotten Son and the world with the same love, the same uncreated energy in which we are called to participate. For those theological traditions that do not make the essence/energy distinction, human beings can only imitate, and not participate in, Divine love. Those traditions believe that God’s love toward Christians is a created thing, and not reflective of His selfcontained essence. “It is startling to discover,” continues Romanides, “in the thought of the Scholastics and the West in general the prevailing idea that not only man but God Himself is ruled by a kind of self-seeking love, since God cannot have real love for things outside of the divine essence.” Augustine did not make the essence/energy distinction, but his misunderstanding of the sacramental form of sexual love was rooted more in experience than in theology. More precisely, he theologized his experience. From the age of fifteen to thirty, he lived with a woman of Carthage, and with her had a son at the age of eighteen. Augustine’s Confessions is his attempt at a deeply self-cleansing purgation of his licentious past. “Nothing is so powerful in disturbing the spirit of man as the caresses of a woman,” he writes, and we can almost feel the shudder of his pen. In 401, he authored a treatise called On the Good of Marriage that contained ideas on sin and sexuality most subsequent Western theologians would adopt—Jerome, for example, as fuel for his aggressive posture against women. Augustine declared here that sexual intercourse was an act of lust and always a sin: a “venial” sin if the couple concentrated icily on the child being conceived during the act, but a “mortal” sin if they took any pleasure whatsoever in the act itself. It may be said, though, that for one who believes in the fundamental impoverishment of the human soul as a result of original sin, no other conclusion about sexual love can be reached. If each human being is born into a life of sin through an act of sin, a deep tension results between such procreational sinfulness and a holy God’s command to be fruitful and multiply. Such confusion did not trouble the Eastern Fathers who predated Augustine, for they refused any concept of the doctrine of peccato originali that would be named and established by Augustine. Instead, these Greek Fathers referred to propatorikon amarthma, an understanding of Adam’s sin as an individual transgression or a specific act of iniquity. 8 Ancestral Sin, Original Sin Redeemed sexuality is possible only from redeemed anthropology, and redeemed anthropology is possible only from a right understanding of the drama of the Garden of Eden. Here, the

Romanides, p. 104. Romanides, from the Translator’s Introduction by George Gabriel, p. 7.

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distinction between ancestral sin and original sin is the fork in the road where the paths of East and West diverge.

hermeneutic understands that Holy Scripture often uses the word “sin” to denote not an individual transgression, but the host of sin’s effects—mortality, disease, corruption. The fuller understanding of David’s lament, for example, is that it was in the universal consequences of sin that his mother conceived him. Second, such a misunderstanding of Romans 5:12 is based on the Latin translation—in quo omnes peccaverunt—of the Greek original. “The Latin text,” John Meyendorff believes, “by translating the Greek eph’o as in quo, implies that ‘all have sinned in Adam.’ But this is impossible grammatically.”

The concept of original sin is this: Adam introduced sin into the world, and as a result every generation after him is guilty of that original sin. Guilt is transmitted to subsequent generations through sexual procreation. Such guilt requires punishment, and punishment for sin is death. All of this put man in a legal debt to a righteous God – specifically an Aristotelian God, an Unmoved Mover Who does not move toward anything outside His essence—that cannot be repaid except by the satisfying death of Christ on the cross. The concept of original sin was introduced by Augustine, specifically in his work The City of God. In today’s parlance, the book was a bestseller – educating and influencing Catholic Europe for a full thousand years. Book Fourteen of The City of God reveals the foundation upon which later Catholic anthropological teaching would be built: sexual expression is inseparable from lust. Lust requires “darkness and secrecy” for its consummation, Augustine writes, therefore human beings are right to be ashamed of sexual expression. Such expression is punishment for original sin. “Had there been no original sin,” he continues, “conjugal partners could have generated and born children without the shame of lust.” Just as we can move our hands and feet freely, and they do exactly what we want in our present experience, so in Paradise, the members should have discharged the function of generation without lust. This lust is all the more shameful because the body, which is by nature inferior to the soul and subject to it, resists the authority of the soul. This would not have been the case in Paradise where the body would not have been in rebellion against the soul, where there would have been no quarrel between lust and flesh.9 Adam and Eve, in the mind of Augustine, were created perfect in every way, so their fall from grace was especially long and hard. God’s wrath, then, was simply in proportion to their fall. Augustine did not share the Greek Fathers’ understanding of Adam and Eve—that they were created as spiritual children with free will and some growing to do. In the mystical theology of the East, perfection allows for growth toward perfection.

The two possible translations would read: ‘Death passed to all men, from the fact that all have sinned’; or, ‘Death, on account of which all have sinned, has passed to all men.’ The latter version finds confirmation in several Greek Fathers. In the first case, St. Paul would be referring to the personal sins of men committed by them on their own responsibility and meriting punishment like that which Adam suffered; in the second case, mortality, transmitted to the whole race of Adam, would be the origin of their personal sins.10 Augustine’s misunderstanding of the Eden drama was like poisoning the theological river upstream—all those suffer who might take nourishment from it. Professor Romanides observes that “the dangerous development of soteriology in the West after Augustine is demonstrated very clearly by its similarity to the presuppositions of the Scholastics’ so-called natural theology, of the Renaissance’s purely humanistic philosophy, and of the liberal Protestants’ theology as well. For all three of these schools believe that the soul is naturally immortal and bodily death is the will of God, irrespective of whether death is the result of a punishment, or simply a natural phenomenon.”11 In contrast, the ideas of the early Greek Fathers—among them Ss. Irenaeus, Athanasius, Basil, Cyril of Alexandria, and Theophilus of Antioch—did not include any notion about universal guilt inherited from original sin. Nor were there any juridical notions about a legal debt that must be satisfied to appease an angry God. Rather, Adam and Eve were solely responsible for their own sins. Every subsequent generation has inherited consequence, not punishment. St Cyril addressed this very issue at the Third Ecumenical Council of 431: Yes, Adam indeed fell and, having ignored the divine commandment, was condemned to corruptibility and death. But how did many become sinners because of him? What are his missteps to us? How could all of us who were not yet born be condemned together with him…. In Adam, human nature fell ill and became subject to corruptibility through disobedience, and, therefore the passions entered in.” 12

Augustine and his theological descendents believed not only that original sin is imbedded in every man born of woman, but that such a belief is reconcilable with Holy Scripture. Romans 5:12 is the grand proof text: “Therefore as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, so death spread to all men because all men sinned….” However, there are two considerations:

9 10

Augustine, City of God, 14:23. Meyendorff, p. 179.

first, a proper

For the West, death is a phenomenon of God. For the East, death

11 12

Romanides, p. 25. St Cyril of Alexandria, Commentary on the Epistle to the Romans.

is not a creation of God, but a consequence of the sin in Adam, just as our sin is a consequence of the death in us. Western logic is lifelessly airtight on this: original sin is imbedded in every man born of woman, therefore the act of procreation itself is sinful. The East presents a bracing alternative: mortality is imbedded in every man born of woman, therefore the act of procreation is not inherently sinful, but tragic. More precisely, it is man—glorious, sacred man—who is the tragedy. Metropolitan John Zizioulas says that patristic theology sees man as a “hypostasis of biological existence.”13 That is to say, the constitution of man is made up of conception and birth. But since man is a being within space and time, his constitution must also include mortality. Put simply, a man who is born is going to die. “This means that man as a biological hypostasis,” continues Zizioulas, “is intrinsically a tragic figure.”14 He who is the beneficiary of an ecstatic act—erotic love—is also the victim of a static fact—natural death. Man is ecstasy and tragedy.

Traditionally, Western theology has allowed for either the hypostasis of biological existence or the hypostasis of ecclesial existence – man is either soiled by sexual necessity or exalted through strict abstinence. Those religious traditions that have lost their moorings in genuine patristic theology have created a dreadful dilemma for modern man: “either a hypostasis without ecstasy (a kind of individualist pietism), or an ecstasy without hypostasis (a form of mystical escape from the body). The key to the soteriological problem lies in the safeguarding of both the ecstatic and the hypostatic dimensions of the person equally.”17 The Orthodox Tradition allows for such a possibility: man as both biological and ecclesial. In order for this possibility to be realized redemptively, however, the proper order must be maintained: we are ecclesial beings first, biological beings after. “Sex is not evil,” wrote St John Chrysostom, “it is a gift from our God.” But it can become a hindrance to someone who desires to devote all his strength to a life of prayer … concerning sex, we must strive for self-control. St. Paul tells us to seek peace and sanctification, without which it is impossible to see the Lord. Let us pursue holiness, then, in order to attain the Kingdom of Heaven.18

Eros and Ecclesiology Reassuringly, Metropolitan Zizioulas does not stop with man as a hypostasis of biological existence. Once again, Good Friday does not get the last word. “For salvation to become possible,” he writes, “it is necessary that eros and the body, as expression of ecstasy and of the hypostasis of the person, should cease to be the bearers of death.”15 Notice that Zizioulas did not say that eros and the body should cease to be, only that they undergo a change in their orientation. Such reorientation is possible, he believes, because in addition to being a hypostasis of biological existence, man is also a hypostasis of ecclesial existence. Here, the Orthodox anthropological vision comes into full view. “In order to avoid the consequences of the tragic aspect of man,” he notes, “his hypostasis must inevitably be rooted, or constituted, in an ontological reality which does not suffer from createdness.” If one should ask, ‘How do we see this new biological hypostasis of man realized in history?’, the reply would be, ‘In the Church.’ The first and most important characteristic of the Church is that she brings man into a new kind of relationship with the world which is not determined by the laws of biology…this means that henceforth he can love not because the laws of biology oblige him to do so – something which inevitably colors the love of one’s own relations – but unconstrained by the natural laws.16

Love Divine A casual glance in the direction of any modern media will reveal an age deeply troubled by anthropological and sexual confusion. We are shattered beings, and the pain from that is not lessened according to our membership in any theological tradition. The path toward reintegration, however, is a theological matter, and it has been well-trod by Orthodox saints – married and celibate – who have attained to a right and pure and sacramental form of sexual love, what St. Dionysius called a “real love that is praised as appropriate to the divine.”19 BIBLIOGRAPHY Augustine, St. Confessions. New York: Penguin, 1961. Chrysostom, St. John. On Marriage and Family Life, tr. Catharine Roth and David Anderson. Crestwood: SVS Press, 1986. Meyendorff, John. The Orthodox Church. Crestwood: SVS Press, 1981. Romanides, John. The Ancestral Sin. Ridgewood, NJ: Zephyr, 1998. Sherrard, Philip. Christianity and Eros. London: SPCK, 1976.

It is precisely in participating in the uncreated divine love of God through the full sacramental Tradition of the Church, then, that man is enabled to love not according to the laws of biology, but the laws of the Kingdom. In the Kingdom of Christ, there is no “male or female” in the sense that there is no destructive differentiation. There is differentiation between the sexes, to be sure, but it is transformed into radical complementarity, into wholeness and communion and deep knowledge. After all, the Holy Scriptures speak of sexual intimacy in terms of one person knowing or earning the knowledge of another.

Zizioulas, p. 50. Ibid, p. 52. 15 Ibid, p. 50. 13

Ibid, pp. 54, 56. Ibid, p. 53.

Wahba, Fr. Matthias. Honorable Marriage According to St Athanasius. Minneapolis: Light and Life, 1996. Zizioulas, John. Being as Communion. Crestwood: SVS Press, 1985.

Deacon John Oliver is a Master of Divinity student at St. Tikhon’s Orthodox Theological Seminary in South Canaan, Pennsylvania.

18 19

St John Chrysostom, pp. 41,42. St Dionysius, p. 81.

P R A X I S

SEEING THE

IN S H E R I S A N C H I R I C O , M . D I V.

“…First be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift.”

Matthew 5:24

A few days before my wedding, several important women in my life came together to celebrate at a bridesmaid’s tea. They took turns offering me words of marital wisdom. My sister exhorted me to forgive, saying that forgiveness is essential in marriage. She also said that it was significant for her to share this with me since our relationship had called for much forgiveness throughout our years together. My sister was right. As far back as I can remember, the two of us, less than two years apart in age, were constantly at each other’s throats, screaming, scratching, and being cruel to each other in ways that shame us as adults. Upon hearing the exhortation to “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,” I would cringe at the impossible challenge it contained for me personally to be nice to my sister. I did not want to love her, and did not think I could. While many siblings grow out of their fighting, my sister and I did not. As we entered high school and the Christian faith took root in each of us, we set aside overt hostility and treated each other with fragile politeness, wary of approaching anything of substance. In moments of stress however, the politeness dissolved quickly into unkind words and obvious dislike. Although I knew that our relationship affected me deeply, I later discovered that I was not alone. Throughout my college and seminary years, I eagerly watched my

roommates and friends as they interacted with their siblings, wondering if my situation was unique. I believe God opens our eyes to the world around us through the wounds we receive. My troubled history with my sister served to sensitize me to the same troubles in others. While most of these relationships were less belligerent, I was surprised not only by the pain I discovered, but also at how formative these relationships were. I began to identify characteristics in people affected by their birth order. Eldest siblings were bold, assertive, and less aware of others around them. Youngest siblings were observant, hesitant to take charge, and often less responsible. The Holy Scriptures are full of sibling rivalry and anguish. Cain and Abel, Leah and Rachel, Joseph and his brothers are only a few. In the New Testament, the story Jesus tells of the Prodigal Son ends with the question of who is the true prodigal, the brother who left, or his jealous elder brother, who could not forgive? For many of us, our enemies are those who are closest to us. The desire for acceptance, approval, and admiration, as well as the inability to forgive, can fuel competition between siblings and thwart familial loyalty.

“…Then I will kill my brother Jacob…” (Gen.27:41b). The story of Jacob and Esau is found in Genesis, chapters 25-35. The relationship of these twin brothers is especially intriguing as a model for fraternity. The words above spoken

FACE OF GOD

OUR SIBLINGS by Esau reveal his anger after Jacob, his younger brother, finagles both the birthright and blessing reserved for the eldest son. After realizing that his younger brother had cheated him, he plans to murder Jacob, who then flees the land. For twenty years the brothers were estranged. Both marry and prosper. Finally Jacob longs to return home, despite the threat of his brother.

“…To see your face is like seeing the face of God…” (Gen. 33:10b). The story’s conclusion promises healing and reconciliation. This is our hope of fraternity. For after twenty years, upon his return, Jacob sends flock after flock of gifts to Esau, hoping to pacify his grudge. “Jacob himself went on ahead and bowed down to the ground seven times as he approached his brother. But Esau ran to meet Jacob and embraced him; he threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. And they wept” (Genesis 33:3-4). Often in reading and hearing the story of Jacob and Esau, we stop at their separation, highlighting Jacob’s cunning dominance over his brother. The true lesson, however, shines through in Jacob’s meek return and consequent reconciliation with his brother. Jacob’s words above, “…to see your face is like seeing the face of God…” give us insight into our inner desire to live in harmony with our families, that we are incomplete while we are still at odds with our brother or sister.

Beyond Sibling Bonds For the past ten years, my sister and I have actively worked on our relationship. Before her engagement, she drove with me across the country, both to keep me company and to face our fragmented relationship before she entered into marriage. The trip was not successful, yet it was a step. At her wedding, we faced our worst fight, and this became a turning point. Weeks later, we were able to talk openly about our pain, and steadily since then, a mutual respect and understanding has been born. My sister and I are different people. Our birth order characteristics and dissimilar personalities have caused us to clash and misunderstand each other. Yet as our relationship heals, I am given the gift of learning to love and respect someone that has been so difficult to love.

my sister's personality, I no longer shy away or dislike them; rather, I learn to appreciate their differences. As I break out of the pattern with my sister, others are also more able to receive me as well. My eyes are opened to the ways my behavior causes reactions in others. The healing takes place not only within my relationship with my sister, but also with those in the workplace, the Church, and my marriage. As God brought reconciliation between Jacob and Esau, so God can reconcile each of us to our families and communities.

Sheri San Chirico holds a Master of Divinity from Princeton Theological Seminary and is employed by the Greek Orthodox Archdiocese Department of Religious Education.

The wounds I received from my relationship with my sister are being healed. Where I was hesitant, I am learning to be assertive. Where irresponsible, independent. The transformation of these wounds from weaknesses to strengths opens the doors to healthy relationships not only with my sister, but also with others who carry the characteristics of oldest siblings. When I meet an oldest child, it is easy to slip into a predetermined role. As I am able to break out of that role in my relationship with my sister, I also experience more freedom with others. When I encounter other people resembling

P R A X I S

Nurturing our Children from Conception to Kindergarten R E V. T H O M A S K A Z I C H , M . D I V.

Introduction “ ‘As soon as the child is weaned,

I will bring him, that he may appear in the presence of the

In the 50's and 60's there was a surge of interest in early child development. Out of this interest sprang a belief that the first five years of a child’s life form the groundwork of his personality—his intellectual, emotional and physical being is laid. With this said, it is an ironic phenomenon of modern family life that parents take their child to daycare as soon as he is born. Then when he is ready to start his education at five, those same parents, after a taste of the public school system, whisk him out and back into the home beneath the all-protective cover of home schooling. The Orthodox Christian mother possessed insight into the importance of a child’s early years long before contemporary psychologists. A Serbian saying for a seasoned mother goes, "Give me a child when he is born and I'll finish the job by the time he's five." But it seems that today the first five years of a child's life, even among Orthodox, is put on the back burner. Yes, we take them to church, enrolling them in nursery and preschool programs, but what we give our children at home in those early years is all too often insufficient, overly "babyfied." What do children from birth to kindergarten need? What are they ready for? How can parents help them on a monthly or even daily basis during these important years of growth? These are the questions I am asking as I study how children are spiritually nurtured during the first five years of their life. Let me share in brief what I have learned, first by giving an overview of developmental patterns and then by exploring how these might be applied by Orthodox Christians who are responsible for a child’s development.

Lord….’ ”

Stages of Growth From conception to birth: 1 Samuel 1:22

Studies have repeatedly shown that all the characteristics of the human individual are present at conception. From the time conception takes place a unique human being exists, having a unique set of chromosomes, his own life, his own soul. Even before the third month, hereditary and personality traits are present. If this is true then it follows that spiritual and emotional development can also begin in the womb. Fetal research reveals how integral a baby is with its mother during these nine months. Besides relying on its mother’s diet, nutrition, and lifestyle for physical growth, the unborn baby is affected by the entire context in which the pregnant mother lives—the quality of her relationships and the emotions that she feels, the father’s care for her and the unborn child, the presence of siblings, and even the mother’s engagement with music and the arts. One bit of research demonstrates how a child in the womb can learn pitch and rhythm from songs his mother sings.

Infancy/Age 0-3 : It is amazing that an infant at birth, a small, helpless inarticulate being, grows in three years or less into a small human person that walks, runs, and speaks, expresses his likes and dislikes, recognizes people, experiences fear, happiness, sadness, love, and jealousy. He accumulates factual experiences and information but cannot intellectualize them. It is a period of discoveries, mainly through the physical senses. The young child accumulates all the impressions of things he sees, hears, touches, smells, tastes, that he will gradually transform into ideas and thoughts. By the end of the first year he is in charge of his motor systems and can recognize familiar people and objects. He can use spoons and cups and may be toilet trained. He is beginning to master his body. He can keep a mental picture of an object and search for it, and he can verbalize his wishes. By the third year, he enjoys speaking, asking questions, and using new words. The unconscious mind is beginning to form. Preschool/Age 3-5: The preschool child grows quickly by imitating and repeating unfamiliar words, even those he does not yet understand. A child's play is his most creative activity. He enjoys fantasy play because he can manipulate his own world. By three he begins to interact with his peers. By four, fully cooperative play with another child is possible. At five, cooperative play with a group becomes a regular part of the child's life. Though a five year old's interests are still mainly in his home and family, he begins to take interest in others outside this scope. His language becomes more meaningful and corresponds better with his experience. The young child's senses are a vehicle to discover the surrounding world. He does not think about it consciously per se, but perceives it through his senses. Gradually this sensual perception develops into intellectual concepts—he can grasp simple explanations. Words now stand for concepts. Preschool children think in egocentric ways and most things are seen as absolutes—good/bad, big/small.

Boundless curiosity makes a child eager to discover, to experiment. He wants to touch, open, taste, feel all he sees. He does this when his curiosity is awakened and in his own way. He wants to know the "why and how." This applies to words, behavior patterns and manners. It is through this process that he learns and gains experience.

Response of Orthodox Christians What insights can we hope to apply to the spiritual development of the young child? Sophie Koulomzin, Orthodox education pioneer, speaks of how the unconscious mind in infancy can shape the conscious personality later in life: The ascetic, spiritual tradition of our Church understands that the "self" which we know, accept and even "create" is just the 'tip of the iceberg.' There is the much greater part under the surface, which is not known but is tremendously active in determining our lives. And this very important and critical depth is formed almost exclusively in infancy. In a certain sense all of adult life is a reaction to a development received in infancy.... Though we cannot speak of the infants' 'moral consciousness,' they do go through many experiences that prepare them for later moral concepts. It is in these early years of a child's life, during infancy, before she develops a conscious moral personality, can reflect on her own actions, feelings and thoughts—roughly the first five years of human life—when much of her religious development is acquired. What can those responsible do as the child is being formed intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually? Now that we have discussed the different developmental states of these years, it will be helpful to examine this in reference to three areas: the church; the home; the parents.

In the Church Nine Months of Pregnancy: After the Virgin Mary receives the news from Archangel Gabriel that she has conceived the Son of God, she makes a trip to visit her

aunt, Elizabeth. As they greet, the babe in Elizabeth's womb (the future John the Baptist) leaps for joy. What a happy response to the presence of God! This story might inspire expectant mothers as they prepare for their children to enter into this world. What better way can one bring the unborn infant into the presence of God than in church, through its worship and the Eucharist? In the Divine Liturgy of St. Basil, the Church prays for and remembers even those not yet born, "whose names are known by God even in their wombs." As the mother anticipates the child’s birth and loves it before it is born, so does the church community. In this way a child begins attending church even before birth. As a mother periodically sees the doctor for routine check ups and is careful about the baby's nourishment, so her participation in the church is the spiritual parallel to this. Pregnancy might also be a good time for mothers and fathers to take stock of their faith and what they would like to pass on to their new offspring. Infancy/Age 0-3: In a short period of time after birth, an infant receives three sacraments of the Orthodox Church: Baptism, Chrismation, and Holy Communion. There are also naming prayers said on the eighth day of a child’s life, prayers for the mother on the fortieth day, and the churching of the baby. The Church accepts the infant, even before she can understand, as a member of God's family and a bearer of grace. She is welcomed into God's home, where all of God's family awaits her each Sunday. There she finds her friends the saints, the living and departed members of this new family, the Mother of God, and God's Son Jesus. From birth to three years, we preserve and build upon this grace, needed to live a Christian life, which the child receives at baptism. The infant is exposed in church to objects, persons and actions: the cross, icons, candles, incense, vestments, and choir. He feels holy water sprinkled on him, senses the priest's hand of blessing on his head. He is fed with Holy Communion. The Gospel passage, "Let the children come to me.... He [Jesus] took and blessed them [the children], laying His hands upon them," (Mark 10:13-16) truly comes alive. The whole congregation places its hands, so to speak, on the child and

P R A X I S

embraces him whenever he enters the church. Christ gave His love to children, not as a lesson or a story, but through bodily contact. Each time we see an infant we must realize that his religious experience, the way he receives God's grace, begins tangibly. Preschool/Age 3-5: By the time the child turns three, in many churches, he is welcomed into a preschool program. Children this age can listen to short stories that appeal to their imagination. Classes for three and four year olds may cover the elementary things one sees and does in church or the main events of Jesus' life. Stories on the creation of the world, of God's care for us, and of miracles that Jesus performed will all help children understand a number of religious concepts and experiences. Through these, children can form an idea of God, who made everything, who is kind and very powerful. Such programs are very valuable. Creative activities are also important to include in any religious lesson. Round games, drama, and songs are wonderful for children. Learning how to work and play with other children and to follow simple rules are important skills to be achieved at this age. What of the situation today when many families are composed of parents who both work, who are of mixed faiths, or who are far away from family and church affiliations? How can the local parish help? We have heard how, towards the end of the fall of communism in many countries, the babushka (grandmother) transmitted the faith to younger generations. Several prominent leaders, like Gorbachev and Putin were baptized and raised by their grandmothers. However, in our disenfranchised culture, the proverb, "It takes a village to raise a child," may hold little weight except within the church community. Does not the local parish act as a sort of village? Older members of a church community can be commissioned as caregivers for younger families. For further examples of this, see how during the immigrant days of the last century in America Yaiya's, Bunichas, Taitas and Baba's of the church community had an extraordinary effect on nurturing children’s faith. Another way in which the local parish can help families on a practical level is to provide a

tote bag of resources for new parents. It might include booklets on baptism and churching prayers, Orthodox names, growth charts of the first two years, instructions on parenting. It might also include a wall cross, an icon, and books and toys with a religious theme. Finally, if children feel familiar and comfortable in the church building, they will feel at home in the context of worship. So while education programs are essential, worship and Holy Communion should be central to the child’s experience of church. We can never measure the effect of the grace of God that touches infants and children in the sacraments, particularly Holy Communion. It is a mysterious action of God, which those responsible for the child must facilitate. It is unfortunate that in some churches, babies up to pre-school age are entertained in nurseries until services are over. A room may be made available for mothers who are nursing, changing diapers, and calming their little ones. But to use these rooms as alternatives to the liturgy defeats, I believe, the whole purpose of Christian education—to integrate the child into the life of the church.

In the Home Life St. Basil in his Divine Liturgy mentions "raising the infants." When one looks at cultures in which Orthodoxy has been long established, we find the home as a place where

Orthodox Christianity is lived. Yes, real training takes place in the home where parents are teachers. But faith is not transmitted to the child so much by a taught lesson as "by life lived." St. John Chrysostom compares parents who shape their children to an artist who molds a piece of clay. Home is a small church, according to St. Paul, where God is to be glorified (Philemon 1:2). Through the ages the home is a kind of fortress, a defender of the faith. In places where Orthodoxy has been oppressed nationally, it is precisely the home that helped to preserve the faith. In the family, the smallest unit of God's Church, parents enact a priestly role as they bring God into the life of their infant and dedicate the child's life to God. Whatever they do for the child is religiously meaningful if it expresses love and conveys a sense of happiness and security. How does all of this take place? First there are the religious activities done with the infant—praying over the child at bedtime; blessing it by making the sign of the cross; placing an icon over his cradle in his room; putting a cross around his neck; touching the cross to his body; burning incense in the child’s presence on occasion; singing a hymn; surrounding him with an atmosphere of happiness during church feasts; teaching him to make the sign of the cross. These may appear to be "baby-talk" or

"finger-play" for the child, but they are valid, meaningful actions that will not be discarded later, gestures that will permeate his life in the Orthodox Church. It is important to begin very early to expose infants to a religious vocabulary. Secondly, there is the atmosphere of the home, where life is lived. Icons are displayed, vigil lamps are lit, incense burnt. All this is normal, and not imposed. Values and priorities are apparent in the way a home is decorated, what prominence is given to an icon, whether fellowship is encouraged at the dining room table, how important occasions are celebrated in the home, how Lenten discipline is observed, how sad events and crises are handled, how choices are made in the family, how the home is open to others in hospitality, how time is made for happiness and fun. Children who grow up in the festive moods of celebrations like Christmas, Easter, and namesdays, will carry them throughout their life. Each family lives within a certain structure, obligations, and standards of behavior. Parents help their children to recognize these for themselves. From infancy the child experiences all these things daily through her senses. All of this is undergirded by the presence of God in the home.

The Parent-Child Relationship Bonding takes place between parent and child immediately after birth. The most basic actions, often taken for granted, are critical at this stage. The way a mother or father changes the baby's diaper, cuddles him, or holds him is just as important for his religious growth as praying or taking him to church. The love that is passed through such actions, particularly the mother's love, can link him to the adult experience, to a life of prayer and participation in the church. This love is essential to human development whether done inside or outside the context of faith. Research in the 1970's by Dr. Marshall Klaus and Dr. John Kennell shows that to the degree that an infant feels secure with its mother, this bonding takes place. An infant's emotional growth and development depends on a sense of security and love. But the

tenderness and approval the child experiences must be balanced with negative expressions of disapproval or punishment. Neither can parental love be overly possessive. From the start, mothers and fathers must come to terms with the movement away of the child. They must always be aware of the child leaving them to enter a new life of his own. When a child is churched and parents give over their infant to the priest, they sense the beginning of this gradual process of "giving away." Both parents must rejoice at every stage of growth for independence. They should accept without jealousy the child's shifting affections—from one parent to another, to friends, to those outside of the home and to the world at large. One further activity worth recommending to parents for the sake of their child’s overall development is reading. If a child’s environment is enriched with language it can improve her literacy skills. What happens to a child, even in her first twelve months, impacts her brain development and intellectual maturity. Dorothy Butler of New Zealand was an early advocate of reading to babies. Reading, singing, talking and reciting from birth to kindergarten has a great impact. Rhonda Brain, principal of the Parkes Public School in Australia and leader of a movement to improve child literacy said, "If we read to children they are likely to grow up to be happy, healthy readers. Moreover, parents who read to, model reading, talk and listen to their children present them with self-esteem and a stronger foundation in life." The Orthodox Church has precedents for such auditory learning. Faithful attendants, regardless of education, have been able to learn prayers and scripture not by reading and memorizing, but by hearing them over and over again in church.

Conclusion

each month of his growth to affect this?” Orthodox educators must convey relevant information to parents who are responsible for raising and nurturing a young child. I have begun to research this issue and hope to establish a web site to track comments, experiences, suggestions, and thoughts from new parents, parents to be, and parents that have been. Anyone interested or having comments on this subject please contact me at littlefalcons@owc.net. One thing is certain: it is not enough to say, "Wow, they grew up so fast! Where did those years go?" We must appreciate the importance of the first five years of a child’s life and creatively and actively respond.

Jean Piaget's theory of cognitive development puts the first stage of development, which he calls "sensory motor intelligence" at 0-2 yrs. During this period behavior is primarily motor. The child does not yet think conceptually, though cognitive development is seen. The second stage, "preoperational thought," takes place during ages 2-7. This period is characterized by the development of language and rapid conceptual development. Barry J. Wadsworth, Piaget's Theory of Cognitive Development (New York: David McKay) 1971. 1

2 Sophie Koulomzin. Our Children and Our Church (Crestwood: St. Vladimir's Seminary Press) 1975, p. 34, 37.

See the following websites: Orthodox Christian Education Commission (OCEC) at www.orthodoxed.org; the Greek Archdiocese Department of Religious Education at www.religioused.edu; and OCA Focus Curriculum at www.oca.org. 3

4 Rhonda Brain, "Innovative project aims to improve child literacy," Sydney Herald, 24 July 1996.

Father Thomas Kazich is the Religious Education Director of the Serbian Diocese of America and Canada, holds a Master of Divinity from St. Vladimir’s Orthodox Theological Seminary, and is creator and Editor of Little Falcons Magazine.

The Gospel offers us ideals that we must "translate" into contemporary culture and put into practice. Orthodox Christians must ask questions such as, “What does an infant need to have a good foundation of faith for future development?” and, “What can he take in at

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