March 28 issue by Student Media George Mason University

the ROADSIDE

April Fool’s Day is just around the corner. Tickle Mason’s Finest News Source your funny bone with Broadside’s second annual Roadside insert, featuring fake stories about President Merten, tuition increases, marijuana legalization and more! Section B

George Mason University’s Student Newspaper www.broadsideonline.com

March 28, 2011

Volume 87 Issue 18

President Merten announces retirement Merten to step down in June 2012 Laura Bolt Administration Beat Reporter

Photo by John Powell

Senior Cam Long (20) gets double teamed by Ohio State University players during the Patriots third round NCAA game last Sunday. The Patriots 9866 loss brought their successful season to a close.

The Board of Visitors accepted President Alan Merten’s retirement request on Wednesday. Merten’s term, which had been scheduled to go until June 2013, will now end on June 30, 2012. In a letter to the George Mason University community, President Merten stated that serving his term “has been the greatest privilege of my career.” The announcement of Merten’s retirement came as somewhat of a surprise. In February 2010, his contract had been renewed for two years, extending his term until June 2013. Merten has been president of Mason since July 1996, having previously served as the dean of the Johnson Graduate School of Management of Cornell University and the dean of the College of Business Administration at the University at Florida, amongst other academic and business roles. In his time as president, Mason has grown in local and in-

ternational reputation. During his tenure, student enrollment increased from 24,000 in 1996 to over 32,000 today. There has also been a substantial increase in facilities and academic programs. In a statement that came with the announcement, Rector Lloyd Volgenau said that “One of Dr. Merten's greatest accomplishments has been to create an environment where highly regarded scholars have come and flourished. Because of his leadership, George Mason University is the place where research in the fields of economics, life sciences, computer technology and bioscience is changing the world.” Presidential Chief of Staff Tom Hennessey also praised Merten’s leadership, noting that Mason has had two “visionary” leaders for more than 30 years (Merten was preceded by George W. Johnson, who served from 1978–96). Hennessey also said that Merten’s 15-year term was longer than the average at other universities, giving the faculty and staff members a strong sense of continuity.

A sudden ending Patriots end season in Cleveland, look promising for 2012 Pat Carroll Asst. Sports Editor The men’s basketball season came to a close last Sunday night in Cleveland, Ohio after a 98-66 loss to Ohio State University in the third round of the NCAA tournament. The loss brought an end to an unexpectedly successful season for the Patriots. Coming off a brutal loss to Fairfield in the first

round of the CollegeInsider.net postseason tournament last March, the Patriots looked far from winning a CAA regular season champion and NCAA tournament bid this season. Beating a Harvard team that many analysts, including Dick Vitale and Doug Gottlieb, felt deserved to be in the NCAA Tournament, the Patriots opened their 2010-2011 season with a win. That game at the Pa-

triot Center would be just the ﬁrst of 14 home wins for the Patriots, as they went undefeated playing in front of their home crowd. Senior Cam Long had a strong campaign, leading the team in scoring (15.1 points per game), steals (47) and minutes (33 minutes per game). His experience proved beneﬁcial throughout the season as he lead the Patriots to a CAA regular season

Mason helps Japan relief efforts

title and the most efficient offensive and defensive team in the CAA in regular season play. Long, who has played at George Mason University for all four years, has had a cool, calm and collected demeanor throughout his college career and was a fine leader for a relatively young Patriots squad. Photo from The Mason Gazette

See NCAA, Page 10

Multiple groups collecting money for reconstruction Laura Bolt Administration Beat Reporter

Photo from yisrisʼ flickr account

Students from George Mason University are collec ng money to help relief eﬀorts in Japan following the catastrophic earthquake and tsunami that hit the country on March 11.

George Mason University has begun to coordinate its relief eﬀorts in response to the catastrophic earthquake and tsunami in Japan. The 9.0 magnitude earthquake and subsequent tsunami, which occurred March 11, has left thousands of victims dead, injured or homeless. In a March 14 e-mail, Vice President of University Life Sandra Scherrens, encouraged students and other members of the Mason community aﬀected by

President Alan Merten will re re June 30, 2012.

the tragedy to seek help at the Office of University Life or Office of International Programs and Services. Students can find more information about services and appointments at ulife.gmu.edu. Judith Green, the director of the Office of International Programs and Services, acknowledged that, in addition to providing referrals and support, “OIPS is participating in the collection of money for the victims of the double catastrophe.” Scherrens relayed in that email that “We hope that losses of life and property, and injuries, will be limited, and that the affected areas will make a swift recovery.” Director of Disability Services Linn Jorgenson and Program Administrator of the masters

telecommunication program Toshiko Uchiyama from the telecommunications department, along with groups from Student Involvement, have formed a group they are calling “Smile for Japan.” Jorgenson, who has been involved in some fundraising efforts before in the areas of breast cancer and MS, says that they are a group of enthusiastic students, faculty and staff. The group is still organizing and focusing their goals, but they would like to support education efforts, ideally adopting a Japanese university. Their intention is to support education in the best way they can.

See JAPAN, Page 3

Mason officials to present campus, Quality Enhancement Plan

Student cleared of abduction charges

Visit from Southern Association of Colleges and Schools this week

University currently reviewing March 16 incident involving alleged abduction

Gregory Connolly News Editor The Southern Association of Colleges and Schools begins its three-day visit to George Mason University on Monday. SACS will review Mason's accreditation, and part of the process includes a ﬁveyear plan to improve the program known as the Students as Scholars Quality Enhancement Plan. The SACS representatives will submit a verbal report on their visit to Mason on Thursday with the ﬁnal written report arriving in a month. In December, the regional commission will hand down its verdict regarding Mason's accreditation. Kim Eby, the associate

provost for faculty development and the director of the Center for Teaching Excellence at Mason, said the QEP involves three primary tenants: increasing opportunities for students to get involved in scholarship, establishing an infrastructure that helps to enable student scholarship and creating more opportunities for students to engage with faculty outside of the classroom. In addition to increasing the role of students as researchers, the QEP calls for a new oﬃce that will list classes involved in inquiry-based learning. Representatives from the ofﬁce — some of whom will have worked on Students as Scholars projects in the past — will

See QEP, Page 4

Alex Guichet Connect2Mason Standing Editor George Mason University announced on March 16 that they have dropped their charges against Abdirashid Dahir for alleged abduction. The school plans to continue reviewing the case through their own Judicial Aﬀairs process. Dahir told Connect2Mason that he is "really happy with how things have turned out in the end," and that "everyone at Mason really is great, this is just a small case of a few people messing up that exploded to something bigger than

tial review of the actions taken by it should be." This story began on March 8 University Officers. “…the university will engage when Dahir, a senior, found himself in a conflict with an uniden- in an external investigation to tified woman who allegedly conduct a thorough and impartial analysis of the occupied his actions taken by study room in university police Fenwick Library. For more officers related to After a verbackground the incident that bal altercation information, past led to Dahir’s arwith the woman, stories or to read all rest on a felony Mason police press releases and charge. At the apasked Dahir to comments propriate time the leave the library, regarding the findings of this inand later arincident visit vestigation will be rested him in his Connect2Mason.com made public. common room Thousands voiced for alleged abtheir concern for duction. the students at The University also announced that they will the center of this event during undergo an external and impar- the past week. While this has

been a diﬃcult experience, the university is proud of its diverse and engaged students and alumni, who chose to speak out and get involved,” said the press release. “This is a serious matter and we intend to thoroughly review the actions of all the parties involved in this incident. George Mason University embraces diversity and inclusiveness, and will not tolerate actions inconsistent with this core value,” said University Vice President Maurice Scherrens. Mason Police declined a Freedom of Information Act request for records regarding the incident. Mason Police also continually declined to comment on the case.

News Event Calendar

Broadside

The number of open seats on the George Mason Student Government Senate due to lack of applicants.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Women’s Center Library up and running Features over 2,000 books on subjects pertinent to women’s studies

Monday, March 28 Academic Advising Expo Johnson Center, Dewberry Hall 10 a.m. - 3 p.m. Food Education Seminar Mason Hall, Edwin Meese Conference Room 5 p.m.

Tuesday, March 29 Tune Up Tri Triathlon Freedom Center, Prince William Campus Noon MSA: Sheikh Shaker Elsayed Johnson Center, Room C 6:30 p.m.

Wednesday, March 30 Mason Toastmasters Student Union Building II, Room 3 Noon - 1 p.m. Student Government Presidential Debate Johnson Center, Atrium 6:30 - 8:30 p.m.

Thursday, March 31 Health and Fitness Expo Johnson Center, Dewberry Hall 10 a.m. - 4 p.m. Creative Writing Meet and Greet Robinson A, Room 447 2:30 - 4 p.m.

For more events and activities, check out: today.gmu.edu

POLICE FILES

March 22

March 21

Theft From Building Krug Hall Items reported missing from a locked cabinet. Estimated loss $1600. (41/Rapoli) Fire Incident Piedmont Hall City of Fairfax Fire Department responded for a fire alarm activated by smoke. (53/Colson) Theft From Building Aquatic Center Victim reported personal items missing. Estimated loss $180.00 (38/Rourke)

Grand Larceny RAC Victim reported theft of personal property. Loss estimated at $899. (48/Surber) Possession of Marijuana Commonwealth Hall Thomas Bosworth (GMU student), 20 years old, of Stafford, VA and John Neely (GMU student), 19 years old, of Abingdon, VA were arrested and released on summonses. (40/Ross)

Photo by Gregory Connolly

The library at the Women and Gender Studies oﬃce features over 2,000 books on subjects including gender, labor, violence and sexual assault.

Gregory Connolly News Editor After a long summer of organization, George Mason University’s Women and Gender Studies office library is the best it has ever been. The library boasts over 2,000 books on various subjects including “gender and labor, gender and violence, sexual assault, history of women, money and women, LGBTQ, sexuality,” according to Christine Hernandez, program coordinator for Women and Gender Studies. “We have fiction [books], a lot on gender and race, a lot on Asian American, [and books on] Native American heritage and Latino heritage,” said Hernandez. Using the Library of Congress Classification System, two student assistants at the office, Maryam Sodeifi and Mabinty Quarshie, worked on the library over the summer of 2010. “We put in at least 10 hours a week for 10 to 12 weeks,”

March 23 March 24

Grand Larceny Commonwealth Hall Complainant reported theft of a bicycle. Bicycle later located. (58/Duangrat) Disorderly Conduct Fenwick Library Complainant reported of disorderly individuals in library. (58/Duangrat)

Medical Assist Johnson Center One subject was transported to Access for treatment. (45/Arnold)

Police Files are taken verbatim from www.gmu.edu/police. Broadside does not make any changes to public records.

books in our library that the [Johnson Center] and Fenwick [Library] don’t have, so that’s been helpful for very speciﬁc research.” Books are frequently donated to the library, sometimes a few at a time while other times they receive entire boxes full, Hernandez said. “When I started working here, there were a few bookshelves,” Hernandez said. “They were books people had donated, faculty had donated and people connected with the center had donated.” In addition, Hernandez said the Women and Gender Studies Oﬃce has started a partnership with the Women’s Center at the Northern Virginia Community College. “They were getting their women’s center started, and we had a lot of duplicate books of classics, so we donated some books to them and talked to them about setting up a library resource there, so we partnered up with them,” Hernandez said.

Temple University assistant professor to discuss Africanization of Harlem Zain Abdullah is latest in Spring 2011 Ali Vural Ak Lecture Series Gregory Connolly News Editor

Hit and Run Sandy Creek Vehicle 1 stuck Vehicle 2 while parked. Damage estimated at $200. (49/Broughton)

said Sodeifi, senior sociology dent who was looking for major with a women and gen- sources on gendered violence der studies minor. “There were for a paper. “Once she easily 250 hours found one of put into this “There were eas- the books she project to get it off the ground, ily 250 hours put wanted, there was a whole and it’s a contininto this project row of books uing project.” to get it off the on her topic,” “There are books in ground, and it’s a H e r n a n d e z said. “It’s very women’s studies continuing easy to work classes that come project.” our checkout up over and system. It’s over,” said been really Quarshie, a positive with sophomore Eng-Maryam Sodeifi people coming lish major with a Student Assistant, Women in and out. women and genand Gender Studies Office One goal we’ve der studies had is that we minor. “ We have hold books for most of the clasclasses that are offered. If stusics.” The library is open to students can’t buy the book, they dents and faculty, who may can come in, sit here and read check out books for up to three it. Not everybody can afford textbooks right now.” weeks. “The women and gender “I think student response has been good,” Quarshie said. studies field is kind of specific, “In a lot of my classes, people so a lot of times at libraries, books we need aren’t available,” come in and look for books.” Hernandez helped a stu- Sodeifi said. “We have a lot of

The latest speaker for the Ali Vural Ak Spring 2011 Lecture Series, Zain Abdullah of Temple University, will give a lecture on topics discussed in his recent book “Black Mecca: The African Muslims of Harlem” April 7 at 3 p.m. in Conference Room D3AB in Mason Hall. “He’s taking a close look at the West African immigrant Muslim community in Harlem,” said Ezzat Shehadeh, a program associate at the Center for Global Islamic Studies at George Mason University. “It’s an interesting look because it’s a marginalized community that ﬁnd themselves stuck between prejudice from the American residents of the community and trying to ﬁnd a balance with their new identity with their old traditions from their own societies in West Africa.” Shehadeh said the lecture se-

ries has focused on people con- Abdullah are Nerina Rustomji on April 14 and Ghada Osman on ducting relevant research. “Dr. Abdullah falls in line April 26. Rustomji will talk about the with a young generation of scholars who are pushing their research contemporary debate surrounding theology and and scholarship the concept of into the fore“Dr. Abdullah falls what the virgin entails in front,” Shehadeh in line with a her lecture, “The said. “[The six guest lecturers young gneration ‘Virgins’ of Paradise: From Qur’anic Interin the speaker of scholars who pretation to Contemseries are] not all are pushing their porary American young, but Media.” they’re all proresearch and “She’s putting a ducing pretty scholarship into lens and a focus on notable scholarthe forefront.” all of the theology ship.” surrounding that and Shehadeh how it’s made its way said the Center into the contempofor Global Is-Ezzat Shehadeh rary discussion surlamic Studies Program Associate, Center rounding the Islamic wants to profor Global Islamic Studies world and the beliefs mote discussion, and scripture,” Sheenhance understanding and engage the commu- hadeh said. Osman will talk about the nity in a way that is productive and stays away from negativity history of the Arabic language and and an emotional debate rather how it expanded throughout the world. than an informed one. “It should shed some light on The two speakers following

the history of Arabic language and the dynamic of its expansion,” Shehadeh said. The Ali Vural Ak Center for Global Islamic Studies started in 2009 with a grant from Ali Vural Ak, a businessman from Istanbul, Turkey. In addition to the speaker series, the center has hosted a number of cultural events, including a poetry reading and a musical performance co-sponsored by the School of Music that featured classical Persian instruments. “Largely people on campus are interested in politics and history, culture and art and all of these realms coalesce at Mason to produce some kind of good dialogue,” Shehadeh said. “That’s where we focus our energy — to enhance that dialogue on campus.” A trailer for a ﬁlm related to Abdullah’s work, “Dollars and Dreams: West Africans in New York,” can be viewed at d e r. o r g / ﬁ l m s / d o l l a r s - a n d dreams.html.

Broadside

News

Monday, March 28, 2011 | 3

‘Smile for Japan’ to donate money next year

A PARODY BROUGHT TO YOU BY BROADSIDE

Photo

JAPAN, from front According to Jorgenson, the group’s current plan is to raise money for the next year and then present the funds they collect to their chosen place or organization on the first anniversary of the event. While they are still in the planning stages, they are considering a variety of fundraising efforts including “fun runs, bake sales, and selling bracelets.” The group is still looking for members and Jorgenson says that they “are looking at ways to connect with anyone and everyone!” Their next meeting will be held from 1–2 p.m. Tuesday in the second floor lounge area of Student Union Building I. For more information on this group or how to get in-

volved, contact Linn Jorgenson at ljorgen2@gmu.edu or Toshiko Uchiyama at tuchiyam@gmu.edu. The group also has a Facebook page called “Mason Smiles for Japan.” As of now, there is no word on whether Mason is planning any events similar to the relief efforts that took place during the Haiti earthquake, which included packaging meals and even rebuilding and counseling missions to Haiti from faculty and students. Scherrens, however, is optimistic that those efforts can be matched with community support. She said, “We did a great job in rallying the community to support fundraising efforts for Haiti — I’m sure we will do the same for Japan!”

Husband named ‘person of interest’

Photo courtesy of Gabby Styles

George Mason University student Bethany Decker has been missing since Feb. 19.

News Editor Investigators have named both the husband of missing George Mason University student Bethany Decker and a man who was living with Decker at the time of her disappearance as persons of interest in the case. Decker’s husband, Emile Decker, has returned to the United States from his deployment in Afghanistan and is cooperating with the investigation, according to the Facebook page for the Loudon County Sheriﬀ’s Department. The man Decker was living with, Ronald Roldan, is also assisting in the investigation. Decker, who is now ﬁve to six months pregnant, was reportedly last seen by Roldan at her apartment in Ashburn on Jan. 29. Investigators have found no evidence of foul play, though additional searches are planned, according to the

Facebook page. Investigators have confiscated cell phones and computers via search warrants, and forensic investigators are checking the electronics for any information. The results of their investigation are not yet ready for release. Decker, who was reported missing on Feb. 19, has attracted national attention on programs such as Nancy Grace and NBC Washington. Someone claiming to be Decker appeared on Decker’s Facebook profile sometime after her disappearance, though the identity of the person could not be verified. Investigators have said that Decker has not left the country and that there has been no activity on her bank accounts, cell phone or email. Anyone who has any information on Decker is encouraged to call investigators at 703-777-1919.

Faculty Senate discusses changes to handbook Unable to reach quorum at meeting Laura Bolt Administration Beat Reporter The George Mason University Faculty Senate convened in a special meeting on Wednesday to discuss revisions to the current faculty handbook. According to the meeting’s agenda, the revisions were written and overseen by the Faculty Handbook Revision Committee in conjunction with Senior Associate University Counsel Brian Walther and “representatives from the Provost's Oﬃce, Human Resources and the faculty.” The revisions discussed were minor with no major changes in policy being considered. BOV OKs 7 percent tuition raise for summer 2011 The Board of Visitors approved a 7 percent tuition increase for in-state students and a 6 percent increase for out-ofstate students for summer 2011. The percentages reﬂect the discrepancy between the 2010– 11 rates and the new summer rates.

Students frustrated by I-week lag policy Only flags of countries on immigration docs of Mason students to be flown

Search continues for Bethany Decker

Gregory Connolly

Broadside file photo

The faculty handbook was most recently revised in 2009. Changes then were largely language- and clarity-based, with some sections being moved or rewritten for precision. There were 25 members of the Senate in attendance on Wednesday, which is one short of the 26 needed for a quorum, denying the opportunity to vote on the revisions. The vote on this issue has been moved to the next meeting on April 6. As the provost has already approved the changes, if approved by the Faculty Senate, the revisions will proceed to the Board of Visitors for final approval. This was the only issue discussed at the meeting. “Because the university budget for fiscal year 2012 has not yet been finalized, the rates for the 2011-12 year could differ from the summer rates,” according to a Mason Gazette article. “The final tuition and fee rates for the next academic year will be set at the May BOV meeting.” -Gregory Connolly

Monika Joshi Copy Chief As George Mason University prepares to celebrate its diversity during the 31st annual International Week, some student groups are expressing outrage because they feel they will not be represented. During I-Week, the university hangs the flags of different countries in the Johnson Center. In 2009, a controversy arose over displaying the flag of East Turkestan, a disputed region in China. Since then, the university’s flag display policy has been challenged by other student groups. On Monday, the university released a revised policy for this year’s I-Week. It states that only flags of countries listed on the immigration documents of Mason students will be displayed. As a consequence, flags such as those of Palestine and

Kurdistan, which have been included in the past, will not be flown. These flags can still be displayed at the I-Week opening ceremony and other events with prior registration. Rizhna Chener, president of the Kurdistan Student Organization, created a Facebook page to raise awareness of this change in policy, which she claims on the page is based on “fears that recognizing nonstates … would inflame the Chinese embassy and by extension the Chinese government, which donates a significant amount of money to the university.” The university’s Confucius Institute receives funding from China, but according to Kathy Trump, associate dean of International Education and Programs, the policy was not put into place to appease a specific country. “I want to reassure you that the best interests of our entire

Student Media invites all students to enjoy some snacks with us and learn more about what we have to offer!

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campus community, in all its amazing diversity, were kept in mind as we worked to craft the flag guidelines,” Trump said. Qingwei Hu, president of the Chinese Students and Scholars Association, said CSSA did not raise opposition to flying the flag of East Turkestan and thinks the new flag policy is fair. At three dialogue sessions held by the Institute for Conflict Analysis and Resolution earlier this school year, attendees discussed issues involving emerging nations and separatist movements. Trump said the new flag guidelines were based on “many earnest discussions among students, faculty, staff and administrators … [and] input from dialogue sessions.” Having attended the sessions and voiced her opinion along with other KSO members, Chener said she had been confi-

dent the Kurdish flag would be flown this year. KSO met with Trump on Wednesday to express their disappointment over the new policy. According to Chener, Trump said the policy could not be changed, but perhaps the additional flags could be displayed elsewhere. Chener said she declined the offer because “that is even more discriminatory. It’s saying we can drink from this water fountain but not that one.” Chener said KSO plans on organizing a protest to voice opposition to the policy. The “Mason Bans Flags representing Recognized Student Organizations” Facebook page has attracted more than 150 “likes.” The Arab Student Association is also disappointed because they think the Palestinian flag should be flown, President Tamara Abdelsamad said.

Broadside

4 | Monday, March 28, 2011

News

Over $2.7 million to go to faculty support in QEP Rule change validates senatorial candidates

â&#x20AC;&#x153;That number [$4 million] really speaks to the commitment that our administrators, President Merten and [Provost] Stearns have put to this project.â&#x20AC;? -Kim Eby Associate Provost for Faculty Development, Director of Center for Teaching Excellence

uate students on the committee that has planned the QEP. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Based on what we've heard from faculty, students in the planning committee, conversations with Student Government and GMU Review, students are ďŹ nding out about Students as Scholars through word of mouth,â&#x20AC;? Eby said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;It's much more intellectually interesting to ďŹ nd questions you're interested in and ask questions instead of just memorizing a bunch of stuďŹ&#x20AC;. This could change some of studentsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; classroombased experiences, getting to deal with questions that are intellectually stimulating.â&#x20AC;? After the QEP process began three years ago, Eby, Usher and the rest of the committee worked through 12 topic ďŹ nalists before deciding on Students as Scholars. Eight of the suggestions came from the university community and involved student input, Eby said. The decision to focus on undergraduate scholarship was made in May 2009.

Seven slots still open in Student Government Senate for next year Jeff Giorgi Asst. News Editor With only 23 candidates running for 30 senate seats in Student Government, the applicants will win the seats due to lack of competition. However, without a rule change, only 18 of the seats would have been ďŹ lled, failing to meet the requirement for quorum. Up until now all candidates for Student Government Senate have been required to gather 150 student signatures that also list majors and Gnumbers. â&#x20AC;&#x153;People make mistakes,â&#x20AC;? said David Bier, a sophomore government major, â&#x20AC;&#x153;because thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s no way to verify as a candidate or potential candidate. You canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be 100 percent certain that every signature you have is legitimate.â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;When I was running in my freshman year, someone signed Cornelius Fudge and put witchcraft and wizardry as major,â&#x20AC;? Bier said, highlighting one of the problems with the system as itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s currently conďŹ gured. Students gathering signatures to make a bid for a Student Senate seat have no way to verify the legitimacy of G-numbers they receive. Five of the 23 candidates for Student Government Senate and one of the three tickets for the President/Vice

ning, there have been undergrad-

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President position had problems with signatures. â&#x20AC;&#x153;For Senate, we gave them a 10-signature leeway,â&#x20AC;? Bier said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;As long as you have 140 valid signatures, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re good to go. We did this based on the good faith principle that they're making the honest attempt.â&#x20AC;? Unless major changes are made to the way elections are run, this rule will remain in eďŹ&#x20AC;ect throughout future elections. â&#x20AC;&#x153;It's an inherent problem in senate code that the senators get to choose the election rules,â&#x20AC;? Bier said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Senators pick the rules in which they get to run.â&#x20AC;? The remaining seven seats can not be ďŹ lled until the next Senate is conďŹ rmed. In the ďŹ rst week of May the new Senate will meet and have quorum since they will have at least 21 senators. An appointment process is in place for anyone who wants to take one of the seven empty seats in Student Government Senate then there is an appointment process. Applicants are still required to obtain the signature packet and once the signatures are validated, the packet is given to the chairperson of the government and academic aďŹ&#x20AC;airs committee. That committee votes, and if applicants pass, they then go through a conďŹ rmation of the full Senate. If they pass that, they're appointed as senators.

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TONIGHT!

Free Tickets for Mason Students! The Vision Series: Kim Sheridan, speaker Art, Science, and Games: Learning in Studios Mon., Mar. 28 at 7 p.m. Free/Ticketed CH

Parsons Dance with East Village Opera Company: Remember Me Fri., Apr. 8 at 8 p.m. $ 44, $36, $22 CH ppd Limited Free Student Tickets Available Mar. 29

Mason Players - Mainstage Series: The Elephant Man (contains explicit scenes and nudity) Mar. 31, Apr. 1, 2, 7, 8, & 9 at 8 p.m. Apr. 2, 9, & 10 at 2 p.m. $ 15 adult, $10 student/senior HT Limited Free Student Tickets Available Now

Russian National Ballet Theatre: Romeo and Juliet & Chopiniana Sat., Apr. 9 at 8 p.m. $ 54, $46, $27 CH ff ppd Limited Free Student Tickets Available Mar. 29

Virginia Opera: Madama ButterďŹ&#x201A;y Fri., Apr. 1 at 8 p.m.; $86, $72, $44 Sun., Apr. 3 at 2 p.m.; $98, $80, $48 CH Limited Free Student Tickets Available Now Simply Sinatra with the Metropolitan Jazz Orchestra Sat., Apr. 2 at 8 p.m. $ 40, $32, $24 HC Free Student Tickets Available Now Mason Percussion Concert Thurs., Apr. 7 at 8 p.m. Free/Non-ticketed DL ppd

=Pre-performance Discussion

ppd

Russian National Ballet Theatre: Swan Lake Sun., Apr. 10 at 4 p.m. $ 54, $46, $27 CH ff ppd Limited Free Student Tickets Available Mar. 29 Mason Jazz Ensemble Wed., Apr. 13 at 8 p.m. $ 15 adult, $10 student/senior CH Limited Free Student Tickets Available Apr. 5 Mason Dance Company: Spring Concert Apr. 14, 15, 16 at 8 p.m. $ 15 adult, $10 senior, $7 student HT Limited Free Student Tickets Available Apr. 5

Mason Symphony Orchestra Fri., Apr. 15 at 8 p.m. $ 15 adult, $10 student/senior CH Limited Free Student Tickets Available Apr. 5 Mason Various Chamber Ensembles Sun., Apr. 17 at 3 p.m. Free/Non-ticketed DL Theater of the First Amendment: Live Wire Fri., Apr. 15 at 8 p.m.; $35, $27, $19 HC ppd Sun., Apr. 17 at 4 p.m.; $36, $28, $18 CH ppd Free Student Tickets Available Apr. 5 University Singers & Womenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Chorale Sun. Apr. 17 at 7 p.m. Free/Non-ticketed HT Faculty Artist Series: Laura Kobayashi, violin Mon., Apr. 18 at 8 p.m. Free/Non-ticketed HT Faculty Artist Series: John Healey, piano Tues., Apr. 19 at 8 p.m. Free/Non-ticketed HT

=Family Friendly BB=Black Box CH=Concert Hall DL=de Laski/3001 GT=Grand Tier III HC=Hylton Center HT=Harris Theater TS=TheaterSpace OR TH E RF

Call 703-993-8888 or visit cfa.gmu.edu/students

AR TS

Center for the Arts

give talks to other classes about their experience in the program, said Bethany Usher, the associate director of the Center for Teaching Excellence. â&#x20AC;&#x153;People have been really optimistic about the plan,â&#x20AC;? Usher said. Usher and Eby have worked extensively on the QEP for the past three years. Usher said the QEP will enable professors to oďŹ&#x20AC;er research opportunities for students as both a part of and outside of classwork. â&#x20AC;&#x153;We hope that students will pick up things that are resume builders,â&#x20AC;? Usher said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;And they can use it to explain how these skills can be used in a professional environment.â&#x20AC;? Over $2.7 million from the $4 million project will go toward supporting faculty who are developing courses for inquiry-based learning, materials for students in these classes, travel for students who wish to share their work at conferences and time for faculty to be able to learn new research

methods, Usher said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;That number [$4 million] really speaks to the commitment that our administrators, President Merten and [Provost] Stearns have put to this project and how the Students as Scholars project is aligned,â&#x20AC;? Eby said. Eby said that since the begin-

CENT

QEP, from front

20 YEARS 19

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Style

Broadside

273

The number of ballpoint pens comedian John Oliver has used since August of 1997

Monday, March 28, 2011

Mason breeds success Student excels in major cosmetics corporation Erin Powell Asst. Style Editor

Photos courtesy of Kelsey Riley

Kelsey Riley, a junior tourism and events management major, is also a Mark representa ve and a leader in the sale of cosme cs, clothing and accessories.

At first glance, junior Kelsey Riley might seem like your average college student. Upon looking at her resume, however, you will find that she’s anything but ordinary. Riley, a tourism and events management major, set herself apart from the rest of the crowd when she became a Mark representative in 2008. Mark, a division of Avon, is a leader in the sale of cosmetics, clothing and accessories. After Riley signed up, she quickly began her own success story. “It was kind of a random thing,” says Riley. “There was a Mark event on campus where they did a makeup demonstration. I was really skeptical at first, but they’re all about giving women an opportunity to make money and look fabulous. It gives women the opportunity to gain sales, entrepreneurship and networking experience. They also do the M.Powerment Campaign,

which helps women in abusive relationships.” As a Mark representative, Riley gained experience while selling Mark products to customers. Soon after, Riley applied for an internship at the Avon headquarters in New York, where she was one of many eager candidates chosen to participate in the program. “I sold like crazy to get my name out there,” says Riley. “That was hard because I had such a high goal for myself. Once you get the ball rolling, it gets easier. Once you get past that point, so many doors open for you.” After arriving in New York City, Riley got to sit in on top executive meetings, gain better public speaking skills and ﬁnetune her sales techniques, in addition to learning from the other interns. “The experience was amazing,” says Riley. “New York City is the perfect place to live when you’re young. The projects I worked on are online now, so it

Comedy at the Hylton Performing Arts Center Tommy Davidson discusses career in one-on-one interview

gave me tangible work experience. I even planned an event for over 200 people. I was so humbled to be working with all the Avon employees.” In addition to real-world work experience, Riley was able to network and build connections with the people around her, something she values highly. “Relationships are really important to me, so I think that was the best part of the internship — being around everyone that I came in contact with,” says Riley. “That was a big part of my life.” After returning from the internship, Riley was one of only 50 women across the nation handselected to become a Mark mentor. Mentors are able to host events for their region while helping out representatives and serving as role models to younger women. “As a mentor, I oversee 300 representatives from the D.C. metro area,” says Riley. “I’m there to help the representatives grow from their business. You aren’t

Mason Day Plain White T’s to headline the day’s events with Frankie Muniz’ band as an opening act Emily Sharrer Editor-in-Chief

Photo courtesy of Jessica Pinney

Tommy Davidson will be performing a comedy rou ne at the Hylton Performing Arts Center in Manassas this Thursday.

Delesia Watson Broadside Correspondent Comedian Tommy Davidson (“In Living Color,” “Juwanna Mann,” “Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls”) is preparing for a performance this Thursday at the Hylton Performing Arts Center in Manassas. Meanwhile, he took time to talk to us one-on-one about his comedy and personal life. How did you get into comedy? TD: Actually, a friend of mine asked me to try it one day. He thought I was pretty funny, you know, and I got a job as an assistant chef and I was so happy, and he was like, “You’re wasting your life.” I was like, “What are you talking about?” He was like, “You’re the funniest dude ever. You know, you’re the funniest comedian ever. You need to try comedy.” So he had a club, I ran down there. I went down there for ﬁve minutes, I tried it and I haven’t stopped since. Swear. What is your inspiration for being funny? How do you do it? TD: You know, if I knew that, it probably would go away. It’s just a gift. I know that for a fact. Who’s your favorite comedian? TD: Richard Pryor was my favorite, because Richard Pryor puts everything he has into his performances, you know? He’s like the only example I’ve found that was just really like — he was just really oﬀ the hook. I mean, he’d do everything.

He’d go into character, he covered the stage, you know. He basically did it all. What are the perks associated with being a comedian? TD: I’ve traveled the world. I’ve been able to help people everywhere, from all walks of life. I’ve been able to raise money for countless foundations, whether it be just now for the victims in Japan, or for Down Syndrome this [past] weekend with Kim Kardashian and Bret Michaels, or traveling around to all the military bases and visiting them around the world, or going to see the injured soldiers coming back from Afghanistan and Iraq, with literally no arms and legs. Or going to juvenile and talking with troubled youth. Look at how diverse that is, you know? In movies, do you come up with your own jokes, or do you strictly follow the script? TD: You have to stick to the script because it just makes sense that you do, but I’m one of those comedians that can kind of do what I want to do. If the director really knows me, and knows how good I am, he’ll come in the room and say, “I want you to do what you want to do with this stuff.” Did you see “Juwanna Mann”? That “filet mignon” and “country got you crazy” and all that good stuff? All that was made up. The producer said, “Sit down, and I want you to try to come up with some stuff that you think will make this better.” And I was like, “You don’t need to

ask me twice.” I read that you were adopted at the age of 2. How was your life impacted by that? TD: I was adopted out of Mississippi, USA, by a white family in the 60s and I was raised here in Silver Spring, Maryland, ultimately, [so] I heard a lot [about] George Mason, growing up. When I was real small I adjusted to a lot of racism as far as me being black. And then when I got older, it turned the other way, where blacks were actually judging me, saying I’m not real. Now, I don’t have any question about black and white. I know I’m black. And there’s a history of who I am. It goes past this country. What projects are you currently working on? TD: I’ve got a movie with Cedric the Entertainer coming out in May. And I also have a comedy special that’s coming up this year. I’m the voice of the new Will Smith cartoon, “Youngin’s,” which is coming up soon. It’s going to be on the Hub Network. What advice would you give a young, aspiring comedian? TD: I would say don’t take no for an answer. And keep on going. Cause people tried to stop me. I wouldn’t get put on in clubs, and I was good. And they still wouldn’t put me on. I just wanted to go and have some fun. At the time, I didn’t know how much money you could make doing it. I didn’t ﬁnd that out until pretty much now.

competing against each other. The more successful you are, the more successful the company is and that goes back around to you.” Riley has acquired valuable skills from her experiences and learned some tricks of the trade to help get ahead in the real world. “Pushing yourself to the limit is a really good way to learn,” says Riley. “Jump on any opportunity you get. Even if it doesn’t apply to you, it can be worthwhile. Your career is not always linear. You don’t always travel in a perfect path.” Riley continues to be an inspiration to young women in the Washington metropolitan area and is a perfect example that with hard work and determination, anything is achievable. “In the future, career-wise, I hope to still be working with Mark, or something in business or sales. As long as I love it as much as what I’m doing now, it will make me happy.”

For the ﬁrst time, Program Board is brining two separate concerts by musical acts that hail from two separate genres for this year’s 31st annual Mason Day celebration. Best-known for their 2005 hit song “Hey There Delilah,” the Plain White T’s will headline this year’s Mason Day celebration on April 29 in Lot L, while rapper Wiz Khalifa will play an “After Mason Day” concert on May 4 at the Patriot Center. Program Board also just announced that You Hang Up, a pop rock band from Phoenix, Ariz., featuring “Malcolm in the Middle’s” Frankie Muniz on drums will open for Plain White T’s. “If you like the music then you should come hear it,

but even if you don’t like the music for Mason Day, there’s a ton of other things to enjoy like always,” said Michelle Davis assistant director of programming for the Office of Student Involvement. The Plain White T’s concert is free for students, faculty and staff with a valid Mason ID, or $10 for those without a Mason ID. Tickets for the Wiz Khalifa concert go on sale Monday, April 4 and are only available to Mason students, faculty and staff. General admission floor tickets are $20 for students and $35 for guests, faculty and staff, while riser seats are available for $10 for students and $25 for guests, faculty and staff. Students may purchase one student ticket and up to two guest tickets. Tickets are on sale at the Patriot Center Box Office only.

Broadside

| Monday, March 28, 2011

Style

The comedic stylings of John Oliver ‘The Daily Show’ correspondent discusses career, comedy and new stand-up show

FROM THE VAULT: ‘Oops!... I did it again’ Marine Jaouen Copy Editor

capton hereee

Ramy Zabarah Style Editor Aside from a successful run as a correspondent for “The Daily Show” with Jon Stewart and a regular supporting role in Dan Harmon’s sitcom “Community,” English comedian John Oliver is now embarking on his second season of “John Oliver’s New York Stand-Up Show” on Comedy Central, where well-known and up-andcoming New York comedians come together to perform for large crowds. In a conference call interview with Oliver, Broadside had the opportunity to discuss his career and passion for stand-up comedy. You have a very distinct, British brand of humor, so how do you think that inﬂuence beneﬁts you with the landscape of American comedy? JO: I think comedians are naturally considered outsiders,

anyway. Wherever you’re from or whatever country you’re in, you’re really supposed to be taking an outsider’s view of society, and I think if you sound diﬀerent, then it just makes that distinction even clearer. So the moment I open my mouth on stage, it’s clear that I’m not from around these parts, as I believe your 1930’s Westerns put it, so it does probably help that straight away, I’m audibly diﬀerent from you. How do you choose the stand-up comedians for your show? JO: Some of them are ones that I’ve admired for a long time, like Maria Bamford. She is probably my favorite comedian in the world. Others are very new acts, relatively speaking, who I’ve just seen doing stand-up at clubs, and I thought, “Oh it’d be great to have them on the show.” What is it about standup comedy that keeps you

coming back instead of pursuing roles on various TV shows? JO: Well, I’ve always done stand-up. So, I feel that if I don’t do it for a certain amount of time, I get jittery, so I love to do it, and doing a series each year means I can just burn that hour of material I’ve worked up over the year and can then start again. It keeps me refreshing material. Also, I do love the idea of doing stand-up with people that I admire. What has been the most embarrassing thing that has happened to you on stage during a stand-up show? JO: When you do standup, basically, it’s just a sequence of unremitting embarrassment. Especially when you start, it’s just pure emotional pain. All you want to do is leave the stage to, ideally, not the sound of your own footsteps or the sound of glass in the background. After the success certain

members of “The Daily Show” have had, such as Demetri Martin, Ed Helms and more obviously Stephen Colbert, where do you see your career going from here? JO: I don’t really know. I mean I guess in the relatively long term, I want to stay, which puts me in a position where I don’t really need to think about that at the moment. I’m going to be at “The Daily Show,” according to my contract, for the next couple years. And I’ll do “Community” on the side and stand-up as well, but I won’t be leaving for the foreseeable future. I really love it here, so I won’t leave unless they ﬁre me. How many ballpoint pens have you used since August of 1997? JO: Let me think. I believe, since 1997, we’re looking at 14 years now. August of ’97. OK, so I guess 13 and a half years. I mean let’s say 20 a year, so I would imagine around 273, more or less. Maybe 274.

Once upon a time in 1999, a certain average teenager became a pop sensation. She had an OK voice, better dance skills, a great body and a reasonable personality. No, not Ke$ha (no personality) or Miley Cyrus (too much personality). Her name was Britney (bitch) Spears. Although perfectly average, Spears was molded into a pop starlet from a young age, beginning with her Mouseketeer membership in 1992. Once she grew up, her innocence was played against her sweet, not-yet-a-womandeveloping-a-woman’s-body appearance. Designed to sell, her image was strong enough to captivate young and old listeners. With her huge boobs career blossoming, “Oops!… I Did it Again,” her follow-up album to “…Baby One More Time,” continues her love for ellipses. The album reﬂects Spears’ established sound, without much development. The title track, “Oops!... I Did it Again,” displays Spears’ youthful

naïveté and penchant for toying with men’s emotions without much frame of reference (being a virgin and all). Nostalgia may not truly hit until Spears quotes the quintessential movie of the decade (sadly, not “Good Burger”). “But I thought the old lady dropped it in the ocean.” Britney inevitably dates herself, but it only adds to the album’s quirky charm. “Lucky” is an underappreciated gem, catchy and sincere, foreshadowing Spears’ own spiral into fame’s side eﬀects. In “Stronger,” early signs of her deﬁance toward her critics emerge, with lines like “You might think that I won’t make it on my own.” Compared to the heavily manufactured sound of current pop and hip hop, all of Spears’ songs are composed of uncluttered beats, cumulating in the typical 90’s hip-hop sound, heard in acts like early Destiny’s Child, Spice Girls and Backstreet Boys. Spears’ childish voice and innocent lyrics work well with the music’s simplicity and transport the listener’s ears through a timecapsule of unassuming pop.

Young money entertainment Icons Sports Lounge and Grille hosts official Young Money after party Sonya Hudson Managing Editor Directly following a performance at the Verizon Center next Sunday, members of Lil’ Wayne’s Young Money Entertainment will hit up Icons Sports Lounge and Grille in downtown Fairfax for an ofﬁcial Bed Rock Sunday after party. Weezy’s I Am Still Music tour will also feature Nicki Minaj, Rick Ross and Travis Barker with MixMaster Mike. Directly following Weezy’s I Am Still Music tour stop in D.C., Mack Maine, Gudda Gudda, Jae Millz and Cory Gunz will unwind at the local hangout and perform for patrons. Doors open at 8 p.m. Tickets are $20 if you buy online or about $4o at the door. The after party is open to people 21 and over. Boris “Can Do” Kuperman, an organizer of the event along with his friend Mike C, says that students should attend the event because Icons is within walking distance from campus, so you don’t have

to drink and drive, it’s a great place to hang out with fellow George Mason University students and it’s not too expensive. “There will be four celebrities in the building performing,” said Kuperman. “And Young Money is the hottest group in entertainment right now.” Kuperman says that in the future students can look forward to even more events in the area geared towards the 21 and up crowd. “Mike and I will continue throwing more quality events, and are happy in joining in a partnership with GMU, and are hoping students continue to come to our events,” said Kuperman. Three kinds of tickets including VIP stage passes are currently available for the show. Ticket prices range from $20-65 if patrons purchase online prior to the event. To purchase tickets visit www.iconsyoungmoney.eventbrite.com/ See the WGMU ad on page three to ﬁnd out how you can win free tickets to the event.

Theater is timeless Theater of the First Amendment celebrates long history of on-campus thespianism Dylan Hares Media Beat Writer Alongside George Mason University’s famous and inﬂuential professors, the university is also home to an entire award-winning professional theater company, the Theater of the First Amendment. Founded in 1990, TFA takes its residence at Mason within the university’s well-known theater department, giving students and the community an opportunity to work with local professional ac-

tors and jump-start their own careers. TFA arose from “the need for a professional theater company on campus to do the theatrical equivalent of the “basic research” that goes on elsewhere in the university — creating new knowledge (artworks) and disseminating it (producing plays),” said co-Artistic Director Rick Davis in an e-mail. “[We have the] goal of contributing to local, regional and national theatrical culture while lifting up the university’s visibility in the arts arena.” Recently, TFA produced the highly successful world premiere of the thought-provoking “24, 7,

365” by Jennifer L. Nelson. The production explores race, class and social activity and is a show with which the company is proud to associate its name. The First Light Discovery Program is another way that TFA supports local talent in the community, hosting workshops to ﬁnd, nurture and support new writing for the stage. “It’s entering its 11th year and has an enviable track record of sending plays on to full production either at TFA or at other professional theaters across the country,” Davis said. First Light oﬀers exciting opportunities for professionals, and college-

aged and high school students alike to have their voices heard in the community. Coming soon to the Center for the Arts is the TFA production “Live Wire,” a performance of classic radio shows from the 1930s. Featuring 10 students as well as a cast of professional actors, this is the second time TFA has produced this show. The ﬁrst performance garnered rave reviews in The Washington Post and was even broadcast on NPR. The show goes live April 15 at the Hylton Performing Arts Center and April 17 at the Center for the Arts.

Broadside

Style

Monday, March 28, 2011 | 7

Celtic Woman entertains crowd with ‘Songs from the Heart’ World-famous female Irish group performs at the Patriot Center Nathan Dorfman Staff Writer

Photos courtesy of madproductions.com

Although St. Patrick’s Day occurred over Spring Break, George Mason University celebrated the holiday a few days early when Irish all-female musical ensemble Celtic Woman performed at the Patriot Center on March 11 as part of their Songs from the Heart tour. The Emmy-nominated and Billboard chart-topping group is comprised of singers Chloë Agnew, Lisa Kelly and Lisa Lambe, as well as the vivacious violinist Máiréad Nesbitt. They were joined by a choir, a six-piece band, a percussion ensemble and a bagpipe player. “It is so lovely to be able to share our songs of the heart with you,” Nesbitt said to an appreciative crowd, comprised mostly of older couples as well as families with young children, who thoroughly enjoyed the evening. Celtic Woman performed a wide repertoire of songs, ranging from traditional Irish melodies

Cel c Woman performed at the Patriot Center on March 11 as part of their Songs of the Heart tour.

and instrumental pieces to pop standards, as well as original songs. Each beautifully orchestrated song was a theatrical masterpiece in itself. “We are delighted to be back in lovely Fairfax,” Agnew said, adding that the Mason audience is a really rowdy bunch of people who know how to have a good time. Musical highlights included “The Coast of Galicia,” during which Nesbitt nimbly jumped and danced across the stage and dazzled the audience with her violin playing “Isle of Hope, Isle of Tears,” which paid homage to Irish immigrants at Ellis Island and “You Raise Me Up,” which elicited a standing ovation. “I enjoyed the sweet elegance of the music,” said John Kruszewski of Oak Hill, Va. The artists were glad to return to the Patriot Center, where they celebrated St. Patrick’s Day last year. Agnew, Nesbitt and Kelly have toured with Celtic Woman multiple times. However, this was Lambe’s ﬁrst.

“It is a privilege and I thank you for such a warm welcome,” said Lambe. Although Lambe may be new to the group, she loves her Celtic Woman family. “It’s a fabulous thing to come into such warmth,” Lambe said. “It feels like home.” Additionally, Lambe’s friendship with fellow singer Agnew goes back a long time. “I knew Chloë since I was a little girl,” Lambe said. “We hung out as kids.” When introducing the concert’s last number, Agnew encouraged audience members to get out of their seats and dance, before wishing the audience a safe trip home. “Sing, dance, clap, do whatever it is you do best,” Agnew said. Many of the songs involved special eﬀects such as stage lights, smoke and fog. Yet more than anything, the music’s harmonious beauty and the performers’ astonishing stage presence made the concert extraordinary.

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Opinion Broadside

Monday, March 28, 2011

Broadside

Thumbs Up, Thumbs Down

George Mason University’s Student Newspaper Emily Sharrer, Editor-in-Chief Sonya Hudson, Managing Editor Monika Joshi, Copy Chief Gregory Connolly, News Editor Jeﬀ Giorgi, Asst. News Editor Justin Lalputan, Opinion Editor Ramy Zabarah, Style Editor Erin Powell, Asst. Style Editor Cody Norman, Sports Editor Pat Carroll, Asst. Sports Editor Peter Flint, Photography Editor

Benjamin Shaﬀer, Copy Editor Marine Jaouen, Copy Editor Jared Barrale, Copy Editor Liz Milligan, Designer Michelle Buser, Designer Dylan Hares, Staﬀ Reporter Scott Miller, Advertising Director Jacques Mouyal, Business Manager Kathryn Mangus, Faculty Adviser David Carroll, Tech Adviser

Thumbs up to Mason for having Wiz Khalifa perform after Mason Day. We need something to look forward to after the Plain White T’s. Thumbs up to construction for clearing a path behind Science and Tech I. Now I don’t have to walk all the way around Sandy Creek to get a hamburger.

Editorial Policy

Thumbs down to Alan Merten announcing his 2012 retirement. We’re going to miss him a lot.

The letters, columns and views expressed on this page are solely those of the writers. They do not reflect the views of Broadside or its staff, unless otherwise noted. Broadside is a weekly publication printed each Monday for the George Mason University and surrounding Fairfax community. The editors at Broadside have exclusive authority over the content that is published. There are no outside parties that play a role in the newspaper’s content, and should there be a question or complaint regarding this policy, the editorin-chief should be notified at the information given above.

Thumbs down to Mason for getting the Plain White T’s for Mason Day. I guess that survey I filled out did a lot of good.

Broadside is a free publication. Limit one copy per person. Each additional copy is 25 cents.

Thumbs down to the fact that Bethany Decker has not been found. We’re all hoping for her safe return.

Obama’s failure Put your money where your heart is in Libya The president has made shoddy decisions that have put us in yet another war Alan Moore S E N I O R

Opinion

Columnist

“We Americans are slow to anger. We always seek peaceful avenues before resorting to the use of force — and we did. We tried quiet diplomacy, public condemnation, economic sanctions and demonstrations of military force. None succeeded. Despite our repeated warnings, Gaddafi continued his reckless policy of intimidation, his relentless pursuit of terror. He counted on America to be passive. He counted wrong.” Those are the words of a great president explaining to the American people why military action in Libya was necessary for the security of our country. But those words did not come from Barack Obama. They came from former President Ronald Reagan in 1986 as a response to the West Berlin La Belle discotheque bombing, perpetrated by the Gaddafi regime. On March 19, the United States launched an attack on Libya with the goal of protecting Libyan civilians. Any stated policy on regime change? No, but no one is really completely sure. Exit strategy? None. Congressional approval? Non-existent. This is very strange behavior from a president who was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize just a few years ago. Despite the competent tradition of past presidents during wartime, Obama has forged a new path. Sadly, that path has gotten off to a rocky start. Warweary Americans need to be behind a president before he launches an attack on another country.

Bill Clinton ran into this problem trying to sell military action in Bosnia and the American people responded with indifference. Obama bypassed the process and the American people altogether and has launched the U.S. into its third current war. Not only did he fail to sell the war to Congress or the American people, but he clumsily instigated it. He waited weeks to act while Libyan civilians were being massacred, and he failed to clearly define the mission or the rules of engagement, leaving our military scratching their heads as to how exactly they’re supposed to protect civilians. Does that mean engaging Gaddafi forces when spotted, or do they have to begin killing people before our military can attack? With all the uncertainty and bumbling, Obama still doesn’t feel he needs to cut short his vacation in South America. George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, George H.W. Bush, Ronald Reagan and even Jimmy Carter spoke to the American people directly before military engagements which defined their presidencies. With the exception of Carter, to whom Obama is often compared, all spoke from the Oval Office — indicating the seriousness and solemn obligation the president has to the American people. Obama didn’t have time for that but he did find the time to fill out his NCAA brackets on national television. This laissez-faire approach to governing in wartime is a dangerous game. Of course, that’s what we get for electing a state senator from Illinois with zero foreign policy experience. Is this the hope and change you voted for?

Americans should donate to worthy causes Justin Lalputan S o p h o m o r e

Opinion

Editor

I still remember the morning that I left to go on Spring Break. At roughly 3 a.m., I was in Eisenhower playing pool with some of my friends. I had just narrowly avoided sinking the 8 ball when a security guard walked in and turned on the news, and what I saw was indescribable. Japan had been hit by a tsunami that caused unbelievable amounts of damage. As soon as I saw the carnage that was unfolding, I knew that soon, people would be asking for donations, and of course, I was ready to give.

face. And it’s not just Japan. There are other situations to which people can donate money. The situation in Haiti, though much improved, is still horrible. Children in the Middle East are starving and need help. Even in the United States, many homeless and impoverished families need help. Veterans who put their lives on the line to defend our nation ask for a small donation in return for their courageous service, but too many people don’t care. Instead of giving money, the majority of Americans choose to do nothing. Instead of giving money to people who truly need it, we would rather buy $200 gaming systems and gigantic televisions. We would rather waste money on booze and crappy movie tickets than to give the money to a worthwhile cause. Despite all the money that

our nation has, we are drowning in apathy. We’re so caught up in our own lives that we can’t see the plights of others. However, it doesn’t have to be that way. Instead of just saying how bad we feel for victims of disasters and atrocities like what’s happening in Japan, we can step up to make a difference. By putting our money (and maybe even some volunteer time) where our mouths are, we can contribute to make a difference. Every little bit helps and with the amount of money that we have in this country, together, we can make a significant impact. In the end, all I know is this: You should do unto others as you would have others do unto you. If a gigantic wave of water washed away your life in a split second, you would want someone to help you out, wouldn’t you?

Regarding Sir and Ma’am Words have become antiquated and no longer carry former meaning Benjamin Shaffer Copy Editor Call me irreverent, but I believe the practice of addressing unfamiliar people as sir or ma’am now fully belongs to a bygone era. Those born of more genteel generations no doubt decry the unchecked corrosion of the frontiers of respect, much as they are perplexed by the younger set’s capacity for instant rapport. There is much truth to this just as there is, surely, reason for nostalgia. Nevertheless, the practice is dead and so it is worthwhile to ponder its decline. Sir and ma’am now suﬀer from the worst fate that can become an act of protocol: perfunctoriness. No longer a mark of breeding and manners, they are now the buzzwords of societal cogs that appear to be making an effort but are really just going through the motions. There’s no need to feign interest so long as these bells are rung at their proper moments. This is not veneration; it’s laziness.

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However, many people on campus, and in our country, choose not to give anything to people in need, which I find to be a damn shame. I feel that if someone is in a decent financial situation and has no significant money problems, then they should donate some of their money to cases like this. I believe that the fortunate have a moral obligation to help those who are less fortunate than they are and should donate money to show it. Don’t get me wrong: I am well aware that it is people’s right to donate money or not donate as they see fit, but I don’t see any reason why they shouldn’t. You don’t have to give much, either. Most places accept donations as low as $5 or $10. Imagine if the majority of Americans gave $10 — the Japanese government would have a much easier time with the monstrous task that they currently

The terms have become vested with aging connotations. As with most glacially evolving trends, we absorb evidence of this petrifaction via off-hand observations — of the people who use these terms and the circumstances in which they are used. Subordinate to superior, they come off as being sycophants. Superior to subordinate, they patronize. At their best, they are nothing-isms, sallied forth with a Hail-Mary, received with a pinched groan. Nowadays, usage of these terms is just the filling of dead air. They are kicked around amongst friends or are campy terms of endearment, irradiated by self-parody and robbed of their power to convey deference. Diminished, cutesy and altogether meaningless. At times I’ve gone so far as to suggest that calling someone sir or ma’am — particularly in a service capacity — is in fact a sign of disrespect. That’s probably overstepping a little. Still, there is something quasi-sinister in the demeanor of a steely-eyed,

Editorial Board: Emily Sharrer, Editor-in-Chief Monika Joshi, Copy Chief Sonya Hudson, Managing Editor Justin Lalputan, Opinion Editor

purse-lipped waiter when addressing his supposed better; it is wielded like a knife. Yes, sir. Of course, sir. Thank you, sir. Stab stab stab. There is, no doubt, guilt by association at work. All too often we are lathered up with sirs and ma’ams by persons trying to sell us something, and who, in the course of longwinded pitches, are only wasting our time. But do the words ever actually soften a person’s stony resolve or match his self-expectation? Are there still such people who expect to hear sir or ma’am when addressed? Do they think, “This is my due?” These are people to be wary of, mark my words. Perhaps a re-invigorated term will surface — something epigrammatic on the order of my good man or madam — or perhaps not. But this doesn’t mean the ancient pillars of respect are doomed to topple into the sea — it simply means that regard must be conveyed through channels that haven’t been rendered

All unsigned staff editorials are written to represent the view of the Broadside staff, a diverse set of opinions determined by the members of the editorial board. Letters to the editor, columns, artwork and other commentaries strictly represent the opinions of the authors and do not represent the ofﬁcial opinion of the newspaper.

meaningless with overuse. There is a lady with whom I am in regular contact and her cheeky insistence on calling me “sir” chafes like tight pants. In our single exchange about the needlessness, she countered that it was just how she was raised, thank you very much. No doubt she is presently instilling the same archaic pieties in her children. But something sinister lurks beneath her squeaky veneer. And the way in which she dispenses the word “sir” reveals it is not an entirely selfless act; there is a self-congratulatory pretentiousness at work. The subtext bellows: Look at how polite and well-raised I am! No slouch, not me! And that is all I need to know, the last and most damning turn of the screw. Her persistence tells a cautionary tale about people who do things for their own self-satisfaction that are being passed off as for the benefit of others. Hello, sir. Please, sir. Thank you, sir. Give it a rest, babe.

Phone: 703-993-2950 Fax: 703-993-2948

Broadside

Opinion

Man on the Street How do you feel about the Plain White T’s performing at Mason Day?

Monday, March 28, 2011 |

Nuclear energy is the way to go The Fukushima disaster is an exception, not the norm

A. I love them. I’m really excited! B. They’re alright. It’s a good choice.

Paul Panasiuk

C. I could care less. S o p h o m o r e

D. I don’t really like them. E. I utterly despise them.

What YOU said... “I think they’re better than Cobra Starship”

“I don’t really listen to them, so I’m indiﬀerent.”

Alex Graf Junior Biology

Kristin Elkins Freshman Community Health

Photo by Justin Lalputan

“I like them. They can come, but I feel that we need more diverse artists.”

“I mean, I don’t know them. I’ll see if I like them or not.”

Jasmine Smith Freshman Communication Photo by Justin Lalputan

Matt Kozakowski Sophomore Community Health Photo by Justin Lalputan

If you would like to submit your opinion on this poll, respond at www.broadsideonline.com

Is it really worth voting in student elections on April 5 and 6? Student Government elections are looming. Campaigning has already begun and elections are scheduled to take place April 5–6 . The question is, is it worth voting? SG is split into the Student Senate and the Executive Branch, consisting of the president and vice president. When I was first writing this article, the Elections and Disputes Commission (the branch of SG that handles elections) was preventing five Senate candidates from being placed on the ballot due to “signature issues” with their election packets. There were officially 18 people running for 30 seats — a non-competitive election. At that point, the period to submit a packet to be on the ballot was over. I e-mailed EDC Chairman Dale Warfield for comment. The EDC responded with an official announcement stating, “The competitive nature does not affect our decisions. Any packet that is approved or disapproved is done so according to this commission’s interpretation of Title VI of the George Mason Code of Student Governance.” Then, EDC met Thursday and decided to alter their decision, adding those five individuals to the ballot. I guess they realized how ridiculous it was to prevent students from being placed on the ballot due to minor “signature issues,” despite the “code,” especially in a non-competitive election cycle. Glad to see they woke up. This will bring the grand total to

23 people running for 30 seats. Everyone will win by default, totally uncontested. It’s almost embarrassing to see that our SG doesn’t even have anything close to a competitive election. A bit of competition would be 40 people running for 30 seats. It’s a joke that in a university with almost 20,000 undergraduate students, there aren’t even 30 people that take our SG seriously. I would like to note that there are three tickets running for president/vice president though (still less than last year). A possible reason for the lack of interest could be that EDC didn’t advertise to the student body encouraging people to run for office. Maybe it’s due to the fact the Senate spent time introducing a bill to purchase beta fish for their office, which was tabled. Or spending a good chunk of their general body meetings week after week debating over arbitrary rules on how they govern themselves. However, SG does some great things that aren’t recognized, such as the Academic Advising Expo, coming up on Tuesday. Still, there is so much nonsense that overshadows their good work. So why should you care about who’s representing you if you didn’t even have a choice? Your vote in Senate elections doesn’t matter. Everyone will win by default. All of this raises the question, is Student Government a legitimate functioning organization or simply a mock government? Shane T. Smith contributed to this piece.

America and democracy What does foreign democracy mean to the United States? Chris Oshinski Opinion Columnist The recent chain of events occurring throughout the Middle East and North Africa should come as a welcome shift in politics for a nation promoting freedom and democracy, yet our actions contradict this logic. For years, it has been America’s policy to support authoritarian governments around the world in lieu of democratically elected socialists and various other candidates (Morales in Bolivia, Chávez in Venezuela, Mossadegh in Iran, Torrijos in Panama…). It appears, from a historical standpoint, that the United States is less interested in democratic republics than neoliberal trading partners, as the only kind of democracy seemingly encouraged is a coerced one, supported politically and militaristically by our government. “Democracy” in Iraq was brought about by U.S. military intervention and democracy in Iran was replaced by the ﬁrst

CIA-instigated coup, in favor of a monarchy. The bottom line is, if it isn’t created, supported and indebted to the United States, it’s not desirable. Popular arguments against this idea abound and we are never short on “examples” of why democracy, in particular cases, is bad. (In fact, forcing any kind of political structure upon a nation often exacerbates pre-existing socio-political tensions). Hamas, the extremist group in Gaza, was popularly elected, and this serves as an impetus for fear-mongering and paranoid rhetoric against free elections. It is important to understand the context of any given state, however, as there cannot be one method or technique that will function perfectly across the board. Gaza is in a deplorable state: International aid, when given, is first “examined” and often confiscated by Israeli border controls. The territory is completely cut off from coastal trade routes,

as the sea space belongs to Israel, therefore restricting any possible trade from the Mediterranean. The PLO, also democratically nominated, is not recognized as an international government and Palestine itself has been repeatedly deprived of statehood. The list goes on. However, these limited examples demonstrate the horribly unique position the Palestinian territories, speciﬁcally Gaza, ﬁnd themselves in. To use this as an example for why democracy should not be encouraged in the Middle East is a fallacy. It will be interesting to see America’s stance regarding Egypt, and other revolutionary countries after they hopefully succeed in overthrowing undesirable governments, seeing as how a social movement brought these changes about. Concerns regarding the Muslim Brotherhood proliferate, although this group has been demilitarized, cooperative and shown no interest in the pursuit of political power.

The movement was national — Egyptian, not Muslim or Coptic. Hopefully, we will see open support of true democratic states become the new U.S. policy, replacing the corrupt and intolerable practice of authoritarian support, defended by rhetoric, which wrongfully constructs images and situations “existing” in the area. A fear of al-Qaida gaining a foothold in politically active and tumultuous places translates into support of the status quo and a sacriﬁce of human rights. Instead of thinking what is best for America, we should redirect our thoughts to encompass everyone: What is best for Egyptians? Libyans? The world? Living freely and openly, without fear of inward or outward oppression, should be sought after and defended by “the leader of the free world.” Our imperial legacy is steadily collapsing, and being remembered as altruistic should surpass being remembered as self-serving.

Opinion

Columnist

The Fukushima nuclear disaster that followed the magnitude 9.0 earthquake in Japan on March 11 sparked an emotional worldwide debate on the safety and potential dangers of nuclear power. While some countries such as Switzerland and Germany have gone as far as halting the building of new nuclear plants or phasing them out altogether, most countries have called for increased safety checks and reviews. Although the nuclear power debate has been ongoing for decades, anti-nuclear supporters use these rare and tragic disasters as momentum to spread deceptive fears about “imminent dangers” and “disastrous environmental effects.” Usually these same supporters seek to advance a green agenda filled with expensive governmentfunded wind and solar plants, and books full of regulations on energy companies that exorbitantly increase energy prices for all consumers. It is important to consider what realistically happens when nuclear energy is banned or growth is halted. When anti-nuclear proponents drive out nuclear plants, an onslaught of imported fossil fuels rushes in to fill their place, increasing emissions and consumer energy costs. Although I do not subscribe to the global warming theory, those that do often overlook the most cost-effective, efficient and environmentally friendly sustainable resource of them all: nuclear energy. Worldwide, a mere 443 nu-

clear power plants supply 14 percent of the world’s energy. In comparison, imagine how much acreage would be used for solar panels and wind farms to supply a small fraction of the world’s energy. In the past few decades, nuclear technology has advanced exponentially in terms of safety. In the United States, safety inspectors are present every single day at each of the 104 nuclear plants. Despite potentially being the most regulated industry in the world with average new plant capital costs around $45.2 billion, nuclear plants provide some of the cheapest energy known to man. Although I endorse the building of new nuclear plants in the United States, I am fully supportive of other forms of energy as well as long as they come from local, non-governmentsubsidized sources. The Bush administration carelessly distorted the energy market when subsidizing ineﬃcient biofuels, but the Obama administration, along with the Environmental Protection Agency, has made it nearly impossible to extract resources from our very own country. Time and time again, it seems our leaders care not about the prosperity of the average American, but the prosperity of some far-oﬀ land supplying the resource at high cost. There is no reason why companies should not be allowed to extract resources and at the same time be encouraged to respect the environment. If energy does not soon become an American export, the consumer and American businesses will forever be subject to a volatile energy market where prices rapidly increase at any sign of turmoil in the Middle East, which as anyone can guess, will not subside any time soon.

Islam Awareness Week Muslim Student Association teaches culture Sumaya M. Al-Hajebi Guest Contributor Monday marks the beginning of the annual Islam Awareness Week celebration. IAW is a national event that Muslim Student Associations from colleges all around the U.S. celebrate. According to the MSA National website, IAW aims to “introduce Islam on a unified platform to all university and college campuses.” Every year, the George Mason University MSA comes up with a program to enhance diversity and expand Islamic knowledge to both Muslims and non-Muslims. Hamna Riaz, the outreach director for MSA and a senior biochemistry major, says, “Last year's IAWwas a great success! We did our best to reach out to Mason students, faculty and departments to inform them about the event and our intentions to promote awareness of a growing faith group in the U.S. and world. We were even honored by our university with an award for being the student organization with "The Most Educational Program of the Year." It was inspiring to see the support we received from our faculty and the interest displayed by the student population. This year, we hope to reach out to more people to promote understanding between different faith groups on our campus and also in our increasingly diverse community.” IAW this year consists of a series of lectures that bring back the true essences of faith. • Monday: The first lecture is called “Tawheed: Oneness of God in all the Abrahamic Faiths.”

• Tuesday: The topic will discuss the life of Prophet Muhammad and his journey of Islam. • Wednesday: The topic will be focused on the essence of the Quran and its importance in the lives of practicing Muslims. • Thursday: The topic will include the life of Abraham from a Muslim perspective with details of how the oneness of God spread. • Friday: The week will end with a spiritual event called Night of Light, in which student will enjoy diﬀerent recitations of the Quran while enjoying refreshments. Throughout the week, MSA has scheduled an art gallery and will set up stations with more information about Islam. The ﬁve pillars of Islam will be promoted through visual aids in the Johnson Center, and kiosks have been reserved to answer any questions and to get more facts about Islam. Jihan Al-Hilali, president of MSA says: “This year we're trying to ‘bring it back to the basics.’ We want our attendees to leave every event having learned something new. Whether it be about our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) or about the Quran, etc. We're really excited about the line-up of events that we have planned for this year!” For more information check out the MSA website gmu.edu/org/msa.

Al-Hajebi is a member of the Muslim Student Association

Sports

Broadside

The number of players the Patriots will lose following their NCAA Tournament appearance this season. They will return four of ﬁve starters in 2011-12.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Mason’s historic season comes to an end at the hands of the tournament’s top-ranked team NCAA, from front With a career-high 30 points against James Madison, Long proved his scoring ability to the college basketball world and began to draw attention from NBA scouts. The most spectacular aspect of Long’s game is not just his skill but his intelligence on the court. He always seemed comfortable and conﬁdent when running the offense. This personal quality will be one of the biggest losses for the Patriots as they prepare for next season. With the help of senior guard Isaiah Tate as the sixth

man, the Patriots ﬁelded a relatively deep team along with redshirt freshman guard Vertrail Vaughns, sophomore forwards Johnny Williams and Paris Bennett. Tate provided a spark oﬀ the bench with a tenacious defensive intensity and opportune shooting. He had a clutch performance against James Madison with 12 points including key shots in the waning minutes of the 75-73 thriller in Harrisonburg. Down the stretch, Tate was heavily used by Coach Larranaga as a defensive presence to matchup against a team’s best player. With an injury to his wrist, he had a minor setback in his shooting and began to dip in

his 3-point eﬃciency and shooting in general. A big 3-pointer by Tate in the ﬁrst round of the NCAA tournament against Villanova led to a dramatic gamewinning 3-pointer from sophomore guard Luke Hancock. The senior leadership from guards Cam Long and Isaiah Tate will surely be missed by next season’s team. However, we return three future seniors in forwards Mike Morrison and Ryan Pearson and guard Andre Cornelius as well as future junior forward Luke Hancock. Morrison averaged 6.8 points and 5.5 rebounds per

game. The 6-foot-9 junior provides the Patriots with a defensive presence in the paint and led the team in blocks with 40 on the year. Pearson had a breakout year for the Patriots, finishing the season as the second leading scorer (14.2 ppg) and rebounds per game (6.7). He will be the leading returning scorer and has the potential to improve on this year, as he has each year in Fairfax. Cornelius had a solid year averaging 9.5 ppg and shooting efficiently from deep. His ability to shoot off the dribble and catch a shoot made him a constant threat behind the arc.

Photo by: John Powell

Mike Morrison(22) sails over Villanova to dunk in their win over the nine seed.

Along with Vertrail Vaughns, Rashad Whack and Sherrod Wright, Cornelius will have options on offense in a pretty talented backcourt. Hancock had an impressive season as well, averaging 10.9 ppg and led the team in assists with 4.2 per game. The cagey, deceptively athletic sophomore guard built on a freshman campaign in which he was named to the All-CAA reshman team and a Mid-Major Freshman All-American. Hancock is a terrific passer and is a great fit for the Patriots in scoring and facilitating the offense to get shots for his teammates. After the best regular season

record in George Mason men’s basketball history, the Patriots team of next year will have a lot to live up to. The loss of Long and Tate will sting to start the year but this team has all of the weapons to win in the CAA and make another trip to the NCAA tournament. Sherrod Wright will ﬁll in nicely for Long and will be a key cog in the Patriot’s success next year. Along with Johnny Williams, Rashad Whack and Bryon Allen, who showed promise with their performances in the NCAA tournament, the Patriots’ underclassmen will be main contributors to next year’s team.

Photo by: John Powell

Mike Morrison(22) drives in against Villanova during the March 18 second round NCAA game.

Section 124 A Fan’s Perspective A weekend in Cleveland that I will never forget: Is this what it felt like in 2006? Daniel Zimmet Patriot Platoon Member Three words: What a season! Emotional ups and downs the entire way, especially when it came down to the ﬁnal two games during the NCAA tournament. Let’s back up just for a few seconds to talk about my trek to Cleveland, Ohio. I woke up Thursday at 7 a.m. and begin the drive with my roommates Stephen and Mark. With a few stops for gas, food and restrooms we made it to our hotel around 1:30 p.m. Apparently the three of us were the only people in the city who forgot about St. Patrick’s Day because the streets were absolutely packed. By the end of the day we saw nearly a dozen rowdy paddy patrons get arrested for their behavior. Anyway, we got into our room just in time to see Old Dominion get knocked oﬀ by Butler, on a last-second, right-place-at-the-right-time put back. Considering I had ODU taking out Pitt, that game didn’t make my bracket look so

hot. After the game we just took it easy, got some pool time in, and watched the 1st day of the best 3 weeks of the year in sports. Day 2 was gameday. After a quick early breakfast we put our game day gear on complete with flair — mine includes headband, right arm sleeve, left arm band and 5 sets of beads. We headed to the Clevelander, which was the official Mason Nation headquarters for the weekend. There was a pregame party there to get everyone hyped for the game against Villanova. Once fans were allowed in, we headed over to Quicken Loans Arena, commonly referred to as “the Q”. Our student section’s seats for this game were in the upper deck right behind the Mason bench. The game got underway, and if you were anywhere in the arena you could definitely hear all of our standard chants clearly. There couldn’t have been a closer game, however, I think we all know how it ended. As Gus Johnson called it, “HANCOCK…AHHH!” I still find it hard to put into words

the feelings I had once Luke hit that shot, as well as when Mike Morrison slammed the ﬁnal one home. There was a lot of jumping, a ton of screaming, and everyone was hugging anyone that they could see wearing green and gold. It’s going to be tough to ever match that kind of sports emotion for a team I care so much about ever again. Right after the game I called my sister, who graduated from Mason in 1999 and attended the 2006 tourney games here in D.C. Before I could even say hello, she answered with “That IS the Final Four feeling.” Granted that us making it into the Final Four by beating UCONN probably enhanced he feeling tenfold, but believe me, I got the idea loud and clear. We must have watched the replay of the ﬁnal 30 seconds of basketball time — real time about 6 minutes — about 10 more times throughout that night. That game is one of those moments in someone’s life where you will never forget where you were and what you were doing when that happened. It’s easy to say, the absolute best sports moment of

my life so far. On our off day I headed over to Canton to check out the Pro Football Hall of Fame. A great and funny finish to my visit was that I noticed an Albert Haynesworth Redskins jersey marked down from $80 to $20 on the clearance rack. They can’t even give those away right now. The next day was the OSU game. Not much to talk about other than we lost to a perfect team playing a perfect game. They are the best team in the country this season and certainly played the part against us. After seeing them live, no surprise they are the favorite to win it all. It was a tough way to finish out an incredibly fun and eventful season. We headed home right from the game and got back to our house around 2am. All we could think about on the ride home was not the tough loss, but the enjoyment and excitement that this season brought us. So, beloved Section 124 readers, we’ll see you next season for the Mason Madness. GMU, WHHAATT!?

Interested in obtaining valuable experience and exposure as a sports journalist? Get your start with Broadside and visit the Student Media office on the bottom floor of SUB II or e-mail Cody Norman at cnorman2@masonlive.gmu.edu for more information.

Mason Scoreboard March 26 Softball vs. Delaware- W 1-0 March 26 Men’s Volleyball vs. LewisW 3-1 March 25 Men’s Tennis vs. Mount St. Mary’s- W 5-2 March 25 Baseball vs. UNCW- W 9-7 March 25 Men’s Volleyball vs. Lees-McRae- W 3-0 March 20 Men’s Basketball- L 98-66

Broadside

Sports

Monday, March 28, 2011 |

Club football team takes shape With tryouts underway, Mason football prepares for new season Pat Carroll Asst. Sports Editor Ten in the morning on a Saturday is not the usual time that any college student wants to be waking up let alone trying out for the club football team. With a group of about 20 looking to try out for the George Mason club football team, head coach Matt Dyson was pleased with the turnout. “It’s a good start for what we’re working with and we will be canvassing the campus to find those who have an interest in playing,” said Dyson. Dyson, a two-time All-Big Ten selection at Michigan and a fifth-round pick of the Oakland Raiders, has been coaching Mason club football for three years now and replaced Dr. Joe Paschale, who established the team in 1993. Under Paschale’s tenure as head coach, the Patriots won five Seaboard Conference titles from 2000-05 and then was mysteriously let go. Paschale helped those players looking to transfer to better football schools and ever since, the team has been in a rebuilding stage and trying to gain more recruits. As a club team, the most difficult aspect is recruiting. Relying on exposure, word of mouth and advertising are the only ways of gaining new recruits. Along with that comes the implied casual play of a club team that is one of the only club

teams that is the lone option for the sport across the board. “One of the biggest issues that we have is that people think that because we’re a club team, they only have to come to practice once a week and still get to play, which is the wrong mentality. We take our football very seriously and we play serious games against NCAA competition and junior college competition.” Junior quarterback Jack Langley has been with the team since he came in as a freshman, even joining the team in the summer before his freshman year. Since then he has seen a steady improvement in the recruiting. “The recruiting process is definitely better than any other year I’ve been here. We have a lot more kids coming out which is a really, really good thing. We’re definitely looking for more big bodies for the line which is our weakness right now,” said Langley, who has been playing football all his life. With President Merten leaving in 2012, the talks of a varsity football team have heated up. Merten has been a strong advocate against the institution of a football program at Mason along with the city of Fairfax. The possibility of having a team will be discussed by the Board of Visitors in 2013. The Mason club football team will be holding another tryout around finals.

Sports Editor Mike Morrison got up out of his seat, tapping his glass with the silverware laid out in front of him. It was Thursday evening and Morrison was making a toast to celebrate the birthday of his teammate, Vertrail Vaughns, who turned 20 the day before. After Friday night’s win against Villanova, the team returned to the same restaurant, cancelling previous dinner plans to fulfill coach Jim Larranaga’s superstitions. Since the year George Mason made its historic Final Four run in 2006, Larranaga’s superstitious nature has been very well-documented. He enjoys routine and believes that any disruptions could throw off his team’s mojo. So on Friday evening, Morrison, again, got up out of his seat, tapped the glass with the provided silverware and gave a toast in honor of Vaughns’ birthday. As superstitious as Larranaga is, he had to be feeling very good about his chances in the NCAA tournament this season. So many different things were lined up exactly the way they were in 2006. It’s almost a little bit scary how closely everything tied together: Sophomore injury After a promising freshman campaign that saw guard John Vaughan average better than 7 points a night for the Patriots, Vaughan was ruled out for the 2005-06 season on Sept. 15, 2005, after tearing his ACL. Vaughan was expected to have a much larger role in his sophomore season. Following a successful freshman season in which guard Sherrod Wright averaged 5.5 points per game for the Patriots, Wright was officially ruled out for the 2010-11 season on Sept. 12 after tearing his labrum. Wright was expected to have a much larger role in his sophomore season. ESPN / USA Today Poll For the first time in school history, the 2006 Patriots were ranked in the top-25 of the ESPN/USA Today Coaches’ Poll coming in at No. 25 for the week of Feb. 20. They held a top-25 spot for just one week before their loss to Hofstra knocked them out. In the week of Feb. 28, the

Mason’s club football team held tryouts to scout out new talent to bolster their roster.

What’s a homerun?

The same. But diﬀerent. Cody Norman

Photo by: John Powell

2011 Patriots were ranked in the top-25 of the ESPN/USA Today Coaches’ Poll coming in at No. 25. They remained in that spot for just one week before their loss to VCU knocked them out. Semifinals loss In 2006, the Patriots dropped a semifinals matchup to the Hofstra Pride after defeating Georgia State in the quarterfinals. They were the second-ranked team in the tournament after sharing the season title with 27 victories. In 2011, George Mason dropped their semifinals matchup to the VCU Rams after defeating Georgia State in the quarterfinals. They were the top-ranked team in the tournament after winning the season title with 27 victories. Playing in Ohio After getting knocked out of the CAA tournament in the semifinals in 2006, the Patriots picked up an at-large bid and were sent to Dayton, Ohio for the first two rounds of the tournament. In 2011, following their semi-final loss in the CAA tournament, the Patriots received an at-large bid and were sent to Cleveland, Ohio, for the first two rounds of the tournament. Lacking playmakers In 2006, the team’s point guard and arguably the best play-maker was Tony Skinn. He was suspended by the team for the first round of the tournament against the Michigan State Spartans from the Big Ten conference. The 2011 team did not have a true point guard. Andre Cornelius, Cam Long and Luke Hancock shared the responsibility of bringing the ball up the floor. However, Hancock proved to be the best play-making option the Patriots had after torching the Villanova Wildcats for 18 points in an incredible performance in the first round of the tournament. He was, however, unavailable in the second round after contracting a stomach virus and/or food poisoning the night before facing off against the Ohio State Buckeyes from the Big Ten conference. Unfortunately for the Patriots, the similarities ran out in the second round of the NCAA tournament this season when they were eliminated by the Buckeyes. But the similarities were certainly there. Pretty weird, huh?

Conveying my knowledge (or lack thereof) of baseball will be a test

Photo by: Peter Flint

Despite recent losses Mason’s baseball team s ll has a long season ahead in which they can improve.

Brandi Moorehead Staff Writer Baseball. I do not get it at all. And I am supposed to write about it for the rest of the semester. That is a scary thought. So to just go ahead and cut myself a break I am writing this feature on how little I know about baseball. So when you baseball fans read it later and I sound like an idiot I can say “Hey, I warned you.” What do I think of baseball? Well, like I said, I do not know it. I do not know the rules and regulations; I do not know how they do anything in the sport. I know that you hit a ball, hope for it to go over the fence and run like hell to each base. I feel like that is really all I should need to know. Is the rest really that important, anyways? When I think of baseball I think of so many stereotypes and, yes, you can totally thank that movie “Angels in the Outﬁeld.”

After watching that movie, which used to be one of my favorite movies of all time, and then, well I grew up and realized it is deﬁnitely a movie for kids, however, do baseball players really chew on paper? Please tell me it is tobacco and they are all at least chewing it for an addiction. And why is it that all baseball players chew that shit? Do they have an aching for mouth cancer? Not to mention “Angels in the Outﬁeld” has made it impossible for me to go through life without going to a baseball game and having a hot dog. I must do this. Baseball is the only sport that I have ever heard of that the home team gets to bat last, no matter what. What the hell is that? So if the away team is winning, in baseball the home team gets a free chance to beat the other team? That doesn’t seem fair at all. What if the home team is already beating the away team?

Do they just get the shit spanked out of them? So I hear all the time about pitchers “throwing out” their arms. This has got to hurt. Isn’t “throwing out” your arm basically dislocating it at a high speed, trying to get the ball to the home plate? If that is the case, why don’t they just make the mound (oh yeah, I looked that up. “Baseball for Dummies.” It’s helped me a bit.) closer to home plate? Then people would not have to throw as hard and hurt themselves, I feel like. Another thing I have no clue about is their signals. I hate to say it but wow, they look so dumb. In a “League of their Own,” they always pulled an ear, whipped their head, patted their thigh, all in a way to communicate with the batter, or pitcher, or catcher or someone. I do not even know who. But what in the world is all that goofy-looking stuﬀ? Why don’t they just tell them before they go out onto

the ﬁeld? Another thing about baseball, something that I ﬁnd wonderful, is that all baseball players seem to be so damn hot. What is with that? It is fabulous, and in those awesome white pants! Woo woo! Amazing. With my understanding of baseball right now, it is stupid to me. However, I used to think football was stupid too, until I understood the game. Now that I am going to be writing about Mason baseball for the rest of my time here at Mason, I have decided to learn the game and get a damn hotdog. Soon you will be thinking you’re reading the column of a former baseball player. These are all questions I really have wondered about since learning about baseball. Throughout my writings I will answer these questions for others who, like me, aren’t quite the clean-up hitters when it comes to this sport.

Events Calendar Softball vs. Georgetown March 30 at 4:00 p.m.

Baseball vs. James Madison April 1 at 3:00 p.m.

Mason enters this week with a record of 10-12. They will play the Georgetown Hoyas at home in a double-header at 4 p.m. and 6 p.m. on Thursday evening. Since starting the season 9-6, they have dropped ﬁve of their last six contests.

The Patriots will host CAA conference-rival James Madison on Friday afternoon. They will look to right the ship and rebound from recent struggles as they enter the week with a record of 9-15-1.

...we’ll see you at the field.

| Monday, March 28, 2011

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PATRIOTS ȘɄɑ PATRIOTS BRING CHANGE, LEAVE A MARK

Come by Southside this Wednesday (11am-2pm) or the JC on Thursday (11am – 2pm) to pick up your very own Patriot Piggybank! Bring your change to leave your mark! The class with the highest percentage of participants will receive their own funnel cake truck on Mason Day!

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EXCLUSIVE: FRESHMAN ADMITTED INTO GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS AFTER BREAKING WORLD MASTURBATION RECORD WHILE PUTTING OFF PAPER

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Friday, April 1, 2011

MARIJUANA LEGALIZED; CAMPUS DEGENERATES INTO 4-DAY HIPPIE-FEST FEATURING BUFFALO SPRINGFIELD

’S N E RT

L U O A S L ER! A T TO EOV K A T E

M N A L

MERTEN WANTS TO ‘GET BLAZED’ DURING MEETINGS, PASSES AMENDMENT NEW LOGOS

AWESOME CONCERTS

ONLY WE H AVE THE S TORY ! SEX COLUMNIST CHANGES NAME OF COLUMN TO BE MORE DIRECT

FRAT PARTY A PARAMILITARY MEETING?

BOARD OF HIGHERUPS BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER AFTER RAISING TUITION Ryan Pearson

Star mistaken for homeless man in DC Fall Out Boy cover band slated for Patriot Evening

L C X

E V I S

Students unsurprised by shitty band choices

B2 |

Friday, April 1, 2011

the ROADSIDE

Parody

BOARD OF HIGHER-UPS SHAMELESSLY GOUGES STUDENTS WHOSE INTERESTS THEY ARE APPOINTED TO LOOK AFTER WITH ANOTHER TUITION INCREASE ; RAUCOUS LAUGHTER HEARD COMING FROM MASON HALL All 16 members of the George Mason University Board of Higher-Ups burst into raucous and sustained laughter on March 9 after voting to raise tuition for the 2011-2012 year, meeting attendees reported. “This $700 tuition hike constitutes an increase of eight percent!” howled Rector David Valvito as tears of mirth poured down his face. “And the students are powerless to stop us! Utterly, utterly powerless!”

Valvito then exclaimed, “My ribs!” before falling into a puddle of his own urine and shrieking at the top of his voice. Other BOH oﬃcials were similarly overcome by the underlying hilarity of their shamelessly gouging the students whose interests they are appointed to look after. “This decision is one that we made only after careful and considered debate,” board member Joni Hierle gasped while visibly

fighting the urge to claw her silk blouse and cackle maniacally at the ceiling. “Aw, who the hell am I kidding? We just jacked tuition up by more than four times the rate of inflation! Fuck the students” Some BOH members, such as Wesley Cliont, were particularly tickled by the fact that, while tuition jumped nearly 10 percent, the amount of financial aid awarded remained unchanged. “Their Stafford loans aren’t even enough to cover their hous-

ing costs!” cried Cliont as fellow board member Kim Glimmens tore oﬀ her clothing and drenched her naked body in champagne. “If we keep going, we’ll soon make Mason completely unaﬀordable. And this is a state school!” Outgoing George Mason president Alan Merten praised the BOH’s move, saying that it upheld the proud Mason tradition of “building a world-class university that nobody can attend.” The meeting thereupon de-

generated into a drunken fracas in which board members threw chairs through windows, defaced a wall with profane graﬃti, and sexually violated both of the board’s student representatives. “I am the supreme maharajah of India!” proclaimed a stupendously trashed David Valvito as he mounted Dana Jenkson, one of the students. When reached for comment on the incident, Valvito said that he felt his conquest of Jenkson

was “only appropriate.” “Given that Ms. Jenson is a student representative, I actually thought it was quite ﬁtting,” Valvito mused. “After all, we’re essentially doing the same thing to all of her classmates.” As of press time, the BOH had voted to increase its members’ salaries by 25 percent.

STUDENT EATS AT BISTRO, FIRST CUSTOMER IN THREE YEARS TO ENTER DOORS OF EATERY George Mason University senior Frutaska Wedgenworsal was running late. “I went to Sub Connection, but there were like 25 people in line,” Wedgenworsal said. “I went downstairs, near the radio station, and there was this place called Bistro. I went in and got something to eat.” Bistro manager Jimmer Eugenides was in his oﬃce when Wedgenworsal entered the restaurant. “We haven't had a customer in three years, so we were, of course, surprised when he walked

through the door,” Eugenides said. The Bistro staff had to scramble to make sure Wedgenworsal's order could be filled. “I've never been in dry storage before,” said chef Augustus Octavius. “I was looking for a bag of salad croutons, but I could only find one that expired during Bush's presidency.” Wedgenworsal said he was willing to forego croutons if he could just have a salad. “I was really hungry,” Wedgenworsal said. “I would take anything if it meant I'd have time to eat it before class started.”

Wedgenworsal's decision to eat at the restaurant meant the staff had to clean three years worth of dust accumulation from the tables. The oven hadn't been turned on since the last guest came in three years ago, though that person had mistaken the Bistro for Jazzman's Coffee Shop across the hall. “I turned the oven on for that guy, but he quickly turned around and went to Jazzman's,” Octavius said. “What a waste.” The Bistro opened years ago, though a poll conducted by Roadside couldn't find anyone who

knew the restaurant existed. Eugenides was hopeful that more students would eat at the Bistro after Wedgenworthal did. “I don't think it's unreasonable to expect another student to eat here by the end of 2012,” Eugenides said. “Wedgenworthal has given us the publicity we've always wanted.” Eugenides said the cash register's software had not been updated in years, resulting in problems when Wedgenworthal tried to pay for his meal using a meal plan. “We've never actually turned

the cash register on before,” Eugenides said. “The computer fired right up, but we had trouble connecting to the network.” Eugenides wrote down Wedgenworthal's student information so that he could manually deduct the meal plan. “Later that afternoon I went to the Dining Services office,” Eugenides said. “They had hired a whole new crew of people since I was hired, and they didn't believe me at first when I explained who I was.” Dining Services coordinator Roberta Sikoonski was in her of-

ﬁce when Eugenides entered. “You mean to tell me there's a restaurant on campus I've never heard of?” Sikoonski said. “I thought this Eugenides fellow was playing some kind of joke, but it turns out that he was telling the truth.” When asked if Sikoonski might go have lunch at the Bistro, she laughed. “Maybe,” she said, “if it ever comes to that.”

Merten steals students’ souls to maintain youth; president nearing 3,352nd birthday

Merten buries the remains of students whose souls he thrives on to remain alive.

Alan Merten, who recently announced his imminent retirement, seems like your average university president. However, it has recently been discovered that this is just a façade, and Merten is in fact, a necromancer. The story broke when Skilliva Lagahoo, an archaeologist at Thunder Jackson High School, discovered hieroglyphics of what appeared to be Merten in an ancient Egyptian tomb. “I thought it was just a coincidence,” said Lagahoo. “But after looking closely at the hieroglyphics and comparing them with recent pictures, the conclusion was unavoidable.” The hieroglyphics say that Merten was actually known as Mertenhamun in ancient Egypt. He was the royal advisor of the late King Tut, and he arranged the death of the young pharaoh in order to steal his life force. This, it seems, is the secret to Merten’s long life. Every year, he must take the life force of young adults, which made being a university president seem like a golden opportunity. What he does is simple. Merten tells students that they’ve won the Scholarship for my Lifetime Award and that they have to come to his office to pick up the award. When they arrive, he invokes the incantation of Anubis, and seals the souls of his students into a glass cylinder, which he then devours at his will. “Yeah, that’s pretty much what happens,” said Hilgya Varuni, a student who won the award, but was able to escape due to his inability to control most of his bodily functions. When Merten attempted to suck his soul, Varuni vomited on him, giving him a chance to escape. “I think he hides the bodies on campus, but I’m not sure where,” Varuni also commented. “He hides the bodies in buildings all over campus,” said Shiliki Smiki, of the Office of Strategic Hiding of Student Bodies on Campus (OSHSBC). According to Smiki, the buildings on campus are full of dead bodies. “Look at your closest building and poke a hole in the wall. If you don’t see a dead body, then I’ll give you a hundred dollars. Not only is it a good way to hide bodies, it also provides decent insulation,” Smiki declared. “That’s our handiwork, and I feel proud knowing that I play a part in helping Merten achieve immortality.” Things have gone awry for Merten, as Varuni has contacted the International Witch Hunter Association. He has announced his retirement in order to escape the hunters, who made the mistake of trying to enter through the Mexican border, and were promptly hailed with gunfire from an impromptu Texas border security patrol. “We don’t like them there people comin’ into our country with their witchcraft and voodoo,” said Reddard Necklington, a member of the patrol. A reporter was sent to obtain a comment from Merten, but has not been seen since.

the ROADSIDE

Parody

Friday, April 1, 2011 |

Mason reconsidering logos after pot legalization incites improtu concert on quad; Merten can be heard saying, “just let a thug smoke,” to Board of Higher-Ups

George Mason University oﬃcials expected some deviation from normal protocol in the days following the legalization of marijuana on campus, though not even their most far-fetched contingency plans could account for the rock festival that began on the quad four days ago and continues through the

publication of this article. Following Thursday's legalization, hundreds of thousands of people swarmed Mason's Fairfax campus. A makeshift stage was built on the stairs of Student Union Building I. “I was doing a jay on the sidewalk with my homie Randolph when I heard some sweet guitar playing,” said sophomore Cletus Wengenworth. “Turns out it was Iron Butterfly starting a threehour set.” The stage played host to many bands over the weekend including Iron Butterfly, Buffalo Springfield, The Byrds, The Rolling Stones, The Who and Bob Dylan. The highlight of the concert was Saturday night's Pink Floyd reunion, only the second time David Gilmour, Roger Waters, Nick Mason and Richard Wright had performed together on stage since Waters left the band in the 1980s. “They've still got it,” said junior Starchild Infinity. “When they brought out the entire fourth grade class from Poplar Tree Elementary School to sing Another Brick in the Wall Part 2, I knew that I was in for

Serial cat killer ‘really a nice guy’ according to acquaintances

Fairfax resident and computer technician Thomas Lankeyton, 42, is a totally nice guy despite his carnal taste for animal blood, friends and acquaintances reported Monday. “Tom is just really decent,” reported neighbor Eli Quinning, 37, who is unaware that Lankeyton ritualistically dismembered 27 house cats in the alley between his and Quinning’s townhouses last weekend. “Very easy to get along with.” Others echoed Quinning’s sentiments, praising Lankeyton’s courtesy, respectful nature, and unusual devotion to cleanliness. “Some of the residents are really bad about maintaining a neat appearance for their property,” said neighborhood denizen and Homeowners Association President Laurenza Balker, 52. “Not Tom, though. It seems like he can never do enough to keep his house and yard in impeccable condition. Sometimes I’ll even see him in the driveway frantically

scrubbing the insides of his trashcans in the middle of the night.” Neighbors were not alone in mistaking Lankeyton’s sociopathic isolation for politeness. “Tom is really quiet, but that’s just because he’s such a gentleman,” said co-worker Melinda Horrisma, 30, unaware that Lankeyton regularly fantasizes about beheading her cats and drinking their blood. Added Horrisma, “I think he’s just lonely. He doesn’t have a lot of friends, but he’s honestly a sweetheart.” Upon hearing of his friends’ kind words, Lankeyton displayed the indicators of happiness that he has learned to accurately mimic. “It’s so wonderful to be trusted,” Lankeyton said with a rigid smile. “I mean, liked. It’s so wonderful to be liked.”

Prof finds student’s anecdotal story to be intoxicatingly pertinent to class content George Mason junior Y’wanda Romaneuzo made waves in her history class Tuesday when she shared an anecdotal story with a connection to the subject the teacher was discussing. This was not the ﬁrst time Romaneuzo had shared an anecdotal story in class, though it is the ﬁrst time the story has had anything more than a tenuous connection to the subject matter being discussed. “The teacher was talking about how the Roman Empire split up during one of the centuries that only has one digit,” Romaneuzo said, “so I raised my hand and talked about my little brother who is in the ninth grade and how he broke up with his girlfriend for two weeks but then got back together just like the Romans did at the end of that century.” Romaneuzo said everything felt right as she raised her hand and Farelly called on her. “Every so often you encounter a student gifted enough to coalesce course content with their lives in highly meaningful ways,” Farelly said. “So many stu-

dents share anecdotal stories that have no relevance to the subject matter, so to hear a story that can be connected to what we're discussing is what I consider to be one of the principal joys of my profession.” Farelly said his discussion of the Crisis of the Third Century was nearly over when Romaneuzo made her comment. “Romaneuzo ﬂuidly connected the ﬁnancial plight and deteriorating domestic conditions that led to the temporary separation of the Roman Empire with the struggle of her younger brother to repair his damaged relationship,” Farelly said. Farelly called Romaneuzo's story “a stunning testament to the will of the human spirit in the face of unspeakable adversity.” Though the Roman Empire split into three states during the Crisis of the Third Century and Romaneuzo's brother is not involved in a polyamorous relationship, Farelly said the connection was strong enough that certain details could be ignored. “I've been sharing anecdotes with my classmates for years,” said

sophomore Derr McWainwright. “Sometimes I'll get close — once I contributed to a discussion in my public speaking class about how I watched someone else speak in public during a mission trip to Guatemala. Some day I hope that I can share stories like Y’wanda with my classes.” Romaneuzo hasn't conﬁrmed that she will share any more anecdotes that are relevant to the course material with her classmates, though she is open to the idea. “I can and will make anecdotes that have no connection what we're discussing for the rest of my time as a college student,” Romaneuzo said. “God only knows whether or not I will ever make one that is relevant to what we're talking about.” Farelly looks forward to the remaining days he will have Romaneuzo in his class and hopes that she will make another anecdotal comment. “I hope Romaneuzo continues the noble tradition of anecdotal storytelling for the rest of her life,” Farelly said.

the concert of a lifetime.” Many members of the Mason community were concerned by the gigantic inﬂated pig that hovered over the quad from the start of Pink Floyd's concert through the publication of this article. “I thought it was some kind of zeppelin, like, a zeppelin from another country trying to bomb us or some shit,” Wengenworth said. “But then I realized it was a gigantic pig and I was like why is their a gigantic pig in the sky and my homie Randolph was all like 'my toenails are made of platinum' and then Pink Floyd started playing and the pig didn't seem so important anymore.” The ﬂood of concert-goers wreaked havoc on an already fragile road network. Reports of abandoned vehicles on all of the arterial roads in Fairfax County have been coming in since the day before the concert began. “I was on my way to work Wednesday morning,” said local attorney Carlson Torrealba. “I abandoned my Camry after sitting at the corner of Ox Road and Braddock Road for 14 hours. The local restaurants were all out of food, so I joined some Mason students in a deer hunt in the forest.”

Torrealba said he eventually made it back to his Centreville residence after a two day trek through Fairfax County. “The roads were impassable,” Torrealba said. “At one point, I holed up in an abandoned Applebee's with a group of Mason students to avoid one of the roving bands of DEA oﬃcials who were conducting operations in the area.”

man reported to police for stalking due to casual greeting George Mason senior accounting major Stanford Jorman, 23, was reported to police by junior Sarah Afder, 20, after initiating a casual conversation while the two waited in line to make purchases at Gold Rush on Wednesday. “This weather is great,” Jorman remarked as the cashier ﬁnished a transaction with a third customer. “Uh huh,” said Afder, turning her attention to the window in a conspicuous display of contempt. “Sure.” Jorman, who had oﬀered the polite greeting only as a matter of courtesy, failed to notice Afder’s snub and her subsequent exclamation of “Oh, my God” when he asked her to pass him a straw. “This guy in Gold Rush was totally hitting on me,” Afder relayed to Roadside, balancing her unspoken but manifest braggado-

cio with a painfully-contrived attempt at disdain. “I was like, ooooooooooookay creeper.” After Afder saw Jorman half an hour later in the Johnson Center, she arrived at the conclusion that, like 11 other young men this school year, Jorman was stalking her. “It’s terrifying sometimes,” Afder mused over the crack of her chewing gum. “Like, I get that you want to try and talk to me or something, whatever. But to follow me to the JC, and then to try and act like you’re just there hanging out with friends when I turn around and catch you in the act is sad. It’s like the most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen.” Mason police, who say they’ve witnessed a 2,000% increase in reports of stalking from college-aged women in the last ﬁve years, were quick to respond to the case.

“We take all reports of sexual assault very seriously,” said Chief Bill Jensen. “And while professional distance is required in order for us to fulﬁll the functions of our job, it is hard not to feel personal sympathy for Ms. Afder. From the deranged lunatic who asked her out to dinner last month, to the unhinged classmate who called her several times in one weekend to discuss their ‘group project,’ to the assumed rapist who informed her that her shoe was untied just so he could see her bend over, this girl cannot catch a break.” As of press time, Jorman was reported to be completely unaware of Afder’s existence or her accusations that he was obsessively following her. Police sent 25,000 e-mails to all Mason students, warning them of a potential sexual deviant on campus.

GMU Police arrest visitor and dog and chase a maintenance cart around Patriot Circle all while blasting “Hey There Delilah” George Mason University police arrested a campus visitor for using sound logic in an attempt to not get arrested on Sunday. Maxwell Donaghue, 22, was visiting his friends on campus this past weekend when university police confronted and handcuffed him and his five-year-old dachsund in front of the Johnson Center. When Donaghue asked why, the officers informed him the charges were theft, assault and wearing sandals in too-cold weather and his dog ‘looked like a wiener.’ “It was embarrassing,” Donaghue said. “I think they were just naming whatever charges they could think of. My friends were like… ‘what?’ And I was like… ‘What? I don’t even go here, dude. I’ve never been here before in my life.’” According to witnesses, the officers responded by accusing him of resisting arrest and threatened to tase him. A clearly dumbfounded Donaghue was hauled off to the police station for further questioning. He was later released on $2,500 bail.

“The officers were acting within the bounds of the law,” said Mason Police Chief Larry O’Malley. “The suspect fit the description and they made the call to bring him in.” O’Malley had no further comments. The arrest was made in response to a call late Saturday made by a female student who “thinks someone might have stolen her ID.” When asked who might have done it, the description given was “a white male, brown hair, approximately 5-foot-9.” Further investigation to the charges is still pending. This incident is just the latest in a long series of questionable actions by university police. Last week, officers were seen in a highspeed pursuit with an electric maintenance cart. A marked university police car followed the cart closely for at least a half mile at one mph before ending the chase. “They nearly ran me off the road!” said Victor Gwana, a maintenance worker and 15-year employee at Mason. “They put a boot on my cart! I didn’t even know

those existed.” A police report following the incident cited Gwana as illegally parking in a marked spot behind SUB II. The spot was marked “Maintenance Vehicles Only.” “I don’t understand; I park there every day,” Gwana said. Students of the university have been blasé and slow to react to what the community calls irresponsible police work. “We like to take a hands-off approach with our officers,” O’Malley said in a private interview. “We typically just let them do whatever they want. As long as the job gets done.” Three students have joined the “Free Donaghue” Facebook page, clearly unaware that he is already out of police custody. “It’s a social injustice, man,” said group member Kelvin Mared, a junior marijuana growing major. “We can’t let them walk all over us. Fuck the police!” Mared proceeded to holler obscenities uncontrollably as he walked to class, high-fiving students at random.

B4 |

the ROADSIDE

Friday, April 1, 2011

Line-up of one-hit-wonders and nobodys slated to play Patriot Evening; students unsurprised In what George Mason University students are calling the shittiest line-up for Patriot Evening ever, the University’s Concert Board announced that Fall Out Boy cover band, Sugar We’re Goin Down Singing, will headline a line-up of tone deaf nobodys including one-hitwonders Deep Blue Something, The Baha Men and the currently homeless DJ Jazzy Jeff. “I’ve been homeless for five years, so I was excited that no other current, popular bands were available,” said Will Smith’s oncefamed mix master, DJ Jazzy Jeff. The concert will be the shortest in the school’s history, with Deep Blue Something planning a one song set consisting of “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” and The Baha Men reciprocating with a two song set: “Who Let the Dogs

Out?” and “Who Let the Dogs Out (Barking Mad Mix)” Though popular artists like Jay-Z, Ke$ha, Kings of Leon and Justin Bieber appeared on the Concert Board’s student survey, in keeping with tradition, bands that received no votes were named concert headliners. “This is bull shit,” said senior hair design major Janie Fitzcurb. “My freshman year Falco came, sophomore year it was Kelly Rowland and junior year they brought Puddle of Mud. Deep Blue Something? Seriously? Fuck you guys.” The Facebook “Fuck the Concert Board” page had 22,000 likes within an hour of its creation. Tickets are free for students, though nobody has RSVPed via Facebook to the shitastic concert.

Sorority passes new campus dress code that emphasizes sameness, favors those who do not wish to express individuality Mu Taup Mu sorority has ﬁnally won their petition for a university-wide dress code. After long deliberation and convocation, the university has decided to issue a new student handbook containing the proper apparel for enrolled students. The new handbook will be issued in the fall. The dress code is as follows: Tops: T-shirts, short or long sleeve. Preferably with lettering or screen-printing. Bottoms: Denim only. Jeans, shorts or mini-skirts for females. Preferably pre-distressed. For classes meeting before 10:30 am, sweatpants will be accepted. Preferably with words on the rear (e.g. JUICY or MASON). Footwear: High-end sneakers are always acceptable. Flip-

ﬂops are accepted at temperatures of 32 degrees or above (basically, when its not snowing).However, for females, UGG boots are favored over all other options, even when it is 90 degrees and you are wearing shorts/skirt. Please do not remove footwear during class. Outerwear: Fleece and pullover hoodies only. North Face and lettering/branding are preferred. Accessories: Smartphones and spray-tans are necessary. Also, friends in matching or similar apparel are acceptable. Students who do not follow the dress code will be shunned from any and all university and community activities. They will be forced to undergo a series of ridiculously campy antics as well as pay ﬁnes up to $1,000.

army themed frat party mistaken for paramilitary organization

Parody

sorry ‘bout it: Roadside staff mesmerized by fax machine In the midst of numerous technological advancements surrounding our lives here at George Mason University, the Broadside staff witnessed the impossible early Friday morning. A letter, signed ‘The Roadside staff, 2036,’ came through on the fax machine. “Yo. Check it. I didn’t even know what it was,” said Roadside Opinion Editor Justin Lalputan about the fax machine. “It’s been sitting there this whole time, and I thought it was just antique decoration. Then it started beeping, and a paper came out. I was like, ‘whaaaaaat?’” The letter read: Dear Roadside staff, A lot has changed since the event of 2012. It is VERY IMPORTANT that you stick together! Many of you are still here with us today, only because you abided by this letter of warning. On April 16, 2011, a man in a black suit will visit your offices. Follow him. He will give you instructions that will save your lives. In the meantime, BEWARE OF THE BLACK SMOKE!

George Mason fraternity Kappa Taup Oma got more than it bargained for Saturday when police arrived on the scene of their “G.I. Joes and Army Hoes” party. Police responded to a noise disturbance and pulled up to the house to see that there were several men who they thought were members of a paramilitary organization. “We thought the suspects had turned the house into a fortified position,” said Sgt. Willyam Stumpfoster of the George Mason Police Department. “I counted three AK-47 assault rifles [later found out to be super soakers painted to look like Kalashnikov rifles] in addition to numerous other small arms and what we thought was a defensive perimeter consisting of trash cans filled with explosives [later found to be discarded jungle juice receptacles].” Police called in other officers from neighboring jurisdictions in addition to the Department of Homeland Security, Department of Defense, FBI, CIA, Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, Drug Enforcement Agency, Secret Service, and all the branches of the military. Two F-16 Fighting Falcon jets were scrambled from

Andrews Air Force Base in Maryland. The joint law enforcementmilitary task force was quick to establish a perimeter around the house, located on Fiddlebury Street. The Kappa Taup Oma members and other party goers were unaware of the nearly 2,000 members of the task force who responded within two hours. The situation nearly exploded when three people tried to leave the party at 1:25 a.m. “Three unidentified male subjects attempted to leave the residence at approximately 1:25 a.m.,” Stumpfoster said. “One was carrying what looked like a Kalashnikov rifle that turned out to be a fake weapon from a 'private sluts-a-lot costume.' We knew the weapon was fake when we saw that it was half the size of a normal rifle and was painted hot pink. We were, fortunately, able to diffuse the situation without the loss of life.” The students were happy that they were not shot as they left the party. “So, I was really wasted with my buddies Zack and Corbin and we were going to walk to the iHop down the street for some pan-

cakes,” said junior Paul Wittesorbin. “All of a sudden these dudes roped out of a tree and had us all pinned to the ground and I was like 'what the fuck this must be those assholes from Oma Chia Delma getting us back for coating the seats of their cars in margarine last summer.'” Stumpfoster said officers examined Wittesorbin's identification and confirmed its legitimacy with the help of a CIA analytical team. “We decided that the house's registration to Kappa Taup Oma

was in fact legitimate,” Stumpfoster said. “When we combined that with the identities of the three men we detained on the front lawn and the testimony of the person who originally ﬁled the noise complaint, we reached the conclusion that this was in fact a fraternity party.” Witnesses said the task force was able to set up its perimeter with ease as the noise they made was masked by the 2005 Nickelback album “All the Right Reasons,” which was being played on repeat inside the house.

George Mason University sophomore and campus resident Traya Poe, 19, expressed worry yesterday evening that living on campus was depriving her of "the Mason experience." "I try to stay involved and keep up with what's going on, but it's easy to feel left out," said Poe, who has commuted to class from her nearby dormitory since the fall of 2009. "My first year I was in [Presidents] Park," Poe detailed with a roll of her eyes. "And I meant to move off campus after that, but the pressure of finding a place in a decent neighborhood, pulling together roommates who weren't crazy, and somehow coming up with enough money for rent just got to be too much. I'm stuck here."

Poe, one of only 7,000 residents out of a total student population nearly five times as large, said that being a member of such a tiny minority only made matters worse. "It would be different if there were a bunch of other people in the same boat as me," she said. "Then at least we could complain and be miserable together. But it seems like everyone else is enjoying this awesome off-campus lifestyle and the couple of us who aren't just get left behind. The other day I asked this girl Julia if she wanted to grab dinner with me after class. She was like, 'I can't. I have to go sit in traffic for three hours.'" Off-campus commuters agreed that the residents had it rough.

"I feel really bad for them," said John Jack Hamerson, 28, an engineering major who is earning his degree part time while living in Arlington and working at a computer software company. "While the rest of us are out in the world working jobs, paying mortgages, and juggling our school schedules around our children's daycare hours, those poor saps are stuck sitting around on an empty campus. Like, even when there isn't class. What would you do?" Shaw Burman, 23, agreed. "What would Mason be without a total lack of meaningful social encounters, harried professionals doubling as students, and endless hours spent screaming in futile frustration at the unyielding gridlock of Northern Virginia traﬃc?" Burman

asked. "I'll never forget this one morning my junior year. I had just spilled coﬀee all over my skirt, [Interstate] 66 was a parking lot, and I was half an hour late for a 9 a.m. class. I started crying hysterically from the sheer hellishness of it all, and that's when I realized: 'I'm a Patriot.'" As of press time, Poe was making the best of her situation. "I don't really have anything to do this afternoon," she conﬁded. "So my roommate and I will probably pass the time at Southside or just fucking around on YouTube." She sighed. "It's not like we have to drive home or anything."

Sincerely, Roadside staff, 2036 Current staff members were boggled to hear that the fax machine actually worked. Some people even tweeted about the phenomenon. “We have a fax machine at Roadside??? Holy shit, now I’m not gonna get ANY work done!” tweeted Cody Norman, Roadside Sports Editor. Soon after the letter was received, the Roadside staff in its entirety was huddled around the machine, as they were determined to send out a fax to confirm that it actually worked both ways. Copy Editor Ben Shaffer took the initiative, since he is the

only current staff member old enough to remember how to operate such a machine. “Alright, so what we do now is type in the phone number and hit OK,” Shaffer mumbled. “If all goes according to plan, my parents should be receiving this test page shortly, and they’ll call me.” Staff members were relieved to have someone with Shaffer’s wisdom and experience among them, for without him they wouldn’t know what to do with the alien machine. Other students were upset that they had just now learned about this hidden fax machine. Had they known about it earlier, they would have been able to spend less time on Facebook and more time productively sending inter-office faxes. Some students are already preparing their messages and choosing their recipients. Assistant Style Editor Erin Powell writes a fax to Style Editor Ramy Zabarah: “OMG I found these adorable pictures of baby elephants on the National Geographic website! Remind me to show you when you get this.” Editor-in-Chief Emily Sharrer writes to Managing Editor Sonya Hudson: “Hey Saunz, Greg and I are going out for a cig. Wanna join?” News Editor Gregory Connolly writes to Shaffer: “Hey Ben, how do I work this thing?” Staff members are placing the blame on Sharrer for keeping them in the dark about the fax machine, claiming she knew about it all along and chose not to disclose its existence due to the fact that it would distract her employees and give them an opportunity for fun. “Sorry ‘bout it,” Sharrer apologizes.

STUDENT SETS OUT TO WRITE PAPER, ENDS UP Campus resident worried she’s missing BREAKING WORLD the ‘Mason experience’ MASTURBATION RECORD

Ryan Pearson may be in violation of NCAA rules for being mistaken for a homeless man In an investigation set to continue Friday, Patriots junior forward Ryan Pearson is at the heart of allegations brought upon by the NCAA claiming that he violated the extra beneﬁts rule set forth in the Student-Athlete Handbook which states: “Student-athletes may not receive any kind of extra beneﬁt provided because of their athletic ability or reputation.” It is rumored that Pearson accepted money from businessmen in the District, who mistook the 6-foot-6 forward for a homeless man in the midst of the team’s 16-game winning streak – a time in which Pearson and his teammates vowed not to shave and/or cut their hair. “[Pearson] was looking very rough,” said Randall Goalton, one of the alleged District businessmen. “I

had some extra money and he certainly looked like he could use a haircut. And a good shave, too.” Oﬀended by this businessman’s accusation, Pearson dragged the man back to the Patriot Center to talk to Coach Larranaga who would prove Pearson was in fact a college student and a major part of the Mason men’s basketball team, not a homeless man. “Well I can see where Mr. Goalton got this impression,” said Larranaga. “You never had to vow not to take a shower during the winning streak as well.” “Hey, I’m a superstitious guy,” said Pearson in his defense. If Pearson is found to be in violation of the rule, he will likely be suspended for at least a portion of his senior season.

With a term paper due the next day, George Mason sophomore Alexander Mussolini knew that he would have to squeeze one out for it to happen. Little did he know the fruits of his diligent labor would lead to an appearance in the forthcoming “Guinness Book of World Records 2011.” “I started masturbating, and the next thing I knew, four hours had passed and I was more sore than I had ever been,” Mussolini said. Mussolini, who is no stranger to marathon masturbation, said that when the fourth hour started, he knew what he had to do. Mussolini is hoping that the soreness subsides in the next few days so that he can walk again. He stressed the importance of only masturbating within one's

comfort zone. “Leave the home run to the home run hitter,” he said. Mussolini is proud of his place in the record books. “The previous record for masturbation was held by one Xavier Lipsmacker, a Romanian farmer who wanted to make a name for himself,” Mussolini said. “I feel bad taking the title from Lipsmacker, but what can I say? I have few marketable skills, so it's important to capitalize on what few things I have.” Mussolini never ﬁnished his term paper, but he was not upset. “I look at it like this — in 10 years, who will remember my term paper?” Mussolini said. “Nobody. Who will remember that Mason student who masturbated to orgasm 27 times in four hours? Hundreds, if not thousands of people.”

DISCLAIMER: All stories printed in this insert are parody and any resemblance to actual students, Mason departments or goofy frat bros is unintentional and purely coincidental. Side effects of reading this insert may include, but are not limited to: becoming defensive, hating Broadside, laughing uncontrollably, vomiting, nausea and heart attacks. Discontinue reading The Roadside if any of the following occurs: itching, vertigo, dizziness, tingling in extremities, loss of balance or coordination, slurred speech, temporary blindness, profuse sweating, or if you canʼt feel your legs. Tell your doctor if you experience increased drinking, sexual or other intense urges. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. Text may contain explicit materials some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised. If rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue reading. Must be 18 or older to read. It is understood that you have read and agreed with the terms stated in this disclaimer and can now go back to the offensive hilarity of The Roadside.