PAPER CLOUD
SPRING EDITION 2019 presented by the pride center
editors note
Art is a transformative medium. Whether we are distilling our ideas or echoing hurts, we are transforming our experiences, not only for consumption, but also for catharsis.
It seems fitting that so many of this edition’s works evoke themes of transition or transformation as we move toward Spring weather and brighter, longer days. There is something to be said for the garden we are growing on these pages. Sink your hands into the earth that is your experience. Perhaps there is something remarkable growing there.
Wren Alman, Editor-in-Chief & Paper Cloud Committee Members
2
Contents
TBC Tiana Week
6
i bid my heart be still, but she beats ever faster
Christine Hoang
7
Mùa Xuân Này Chung Toi Yêu
Morgo Yon
8
The Cards We Are Dealt
Isabella Preble
9
Self-Crown (excerpt)
Ceph
10
All You Have to Do is Smile
Morgo Yon
12
The Surgery
Ceph
13
Witch Way
Ty Han
14
Remind Me of Tomorrow
Hannah Wayman
16
Friends
Rue Dickey
17
Summertime Sapphics
Christine Hoang
18
Under Lotus Eve
Wren Alman
20
Ache
Rue Dickey
21
Lasting Impression
Tiana Week
22
you were the last thing i expected
Sho McClarence
24
Psychosis
Juniper Alliston
25
June
Hannah Wayman
26
Sleepy
Quianna Pabiana Ohren
27
Want
Sho McClarence
28
Dark Heart of Eagle Nebula
Anonymous
29
Nail
Quianna Pabiana Ohren
30
Futch
3
Artist Biographies Ty Han
Masks, Remind Me of Tomorrow Ty Han is a nonbinary lesbian artist, graphic designer, and writer. Their art mainly centers on their experience as a lesbian and as a trans person. They like to make art examining the experiences of women of color, immigration, and exploring fat bodies and lives. They enjoy video games, tabletop rpgs, and writing.
Tiana Week
i bid my heart be still, but she beats ever faster, you were the last thing i expected I love science and math, but my favorite playground is human vulnerability. I love how we feel about each other, and that it’s a spiritual experience. Words are often the net to capture that. I use she/her pronouns and identify as lesbian. A big part of my comingout process involved stories, because I loved stories as a kid. When I found out I was gay, I wondered, “Where do I fit in with all those stories?” Then I started reading and writing better stories, stories that involved people like me, and I felt so whole. I hope you feel that way, too.
4
Christine Hoang
Mùa Xuân Này Chung Toi Yêu, Under Lotus Eve Energized by the desire to build interconnectedness through reimaginings, Christine creates mirrors of art for people to feel and just be. Their hope is that through art and storytelling, people can recognize the power and worlds they embody within them. Whenever Christine is able to take a break from living on survival mode - they enjoy playing video games, baking scrumptious sweets, being with those that reciprocate their love and care, attending cultural events, and engaging their creative agency to share stories about intimate love, relationship with home and family, intergenerational trauma, and soulful collective care.
Morgo Yon
The Cards We Are Dealt, The Surgery Howdy howdy howdy, I’m Morgo!! I use he/him, and I’ve been doing art in my free time for a few years now! I use art as a way to get my frustrations out. I’m an avid frog and cat lover and I love working with color!!
Isabella Preble
Self-Crown (excerpt) Isabella is a Pansexual Canadian, American Argentine woman and is working on her masters in Public Health with a focus in Global Health at Oregon State University. She loves Art because it helps her practice self care
and creative communication. She is a poet, dancer, painter, singer and film director.
Ceph
All You Have to Do is Smile, Witch Way Queer artist focusing on analyzing and creating work around queer coding in Hay’s code era and contemporary horror movies, creating dialogues and art pieces around the topics of what was thought of as queer.
Hannah Wayman Friends, Sleepy
Lesbian graphic novelist and digital artist currently working on a comic called The World is Ours (read it on Tapas!!). Fueled by tea and memes.
Wren Alman Ache
I’m a disabled non-binary lesbian. I love girls, my cats, and sometimes, myself. I write a lot about my body, other disabled bodies, and my reality as a deaf and otherwise disabled queer person.
Rue Dickey
Summertime Sapphics, Lasting Impression Rue is a 4th year student at Oregon State University. He identifies as a pansexual nonbinary trans man. Something that is very important to Rue is accurate representation of intersectional bodies. Queer identity
has never been white, skinny, ablebodied, and traditionally beautiful, and Rue strives to produce art that breaks those bonds.
Sho McClarence
Psychosis, Dark Heart of Eagle Nebula Sho is a graduate student in the Masters of Interdisciplinary Studies program, studying mysticism through the lens of philosophy, history, and environmental arts and humanities. When they are not studying and working as the GTA to the Trans Task Force, Sho spends their time working as an abstract painter and amateur sculptor.
Juniper Alliston June
June is a queer trans woman studying fine art and art history at Oregon State University. Her art often centers around her dominating emotions as each piece she creates is typically done in one sitting.
Quianna Pabiana Ohren Want, Futch
Quianna is simply a non-binary lesbian artist who explores themes of love and gender through representing organic forms. They utilize line and color to express their feelings about gender, love, and weird ocean creatures. They also enjoy photography, video games, and fashion.
5
i bid my heart be still, but she beats ever faster Tiana Week i bid my heart be still, but she beats ever faster. i follow you through time, the bright peals of your laughter. in chain mail dense and onto bloodied fields, or modern times, where phones are what we wield. sometimes when i wake, we are man and woman by our names, and yet, despite it all, the warmth of you can never change — in asphalt jungles, in cities built of only leaves and lush blue-green, we once were genderless children running down a deep ravine. how do i know that it is you, when your eyes are ever changing? the seasons and the wars and your greetings in every language. i do not know, except to say, i’ll see you when i wake.
6
Mùa Xuân Này Chung Toi Yêu Christine Hoang Content warning for next page: fatphobia, internalized homophobia
7
The Cards We Are Dealt Morgo Yon 8
Self-Crown (excerpt) Isabella Preble She took off the fatphobic sweater that is hiding her fears of being fat and unloved and decided to love and own her curves no matter what She took off all the hats that were toppling over her head of each of all the ideologies she “respected and tolerated “ and decided that she was only in need of a couple that really meant something amazing that she could truly speak through less filtered and censored lenses and more of love Then she went into her closet and put something on that made her feel like she was drop dead gorgeous a pink, yellow and blue ruffled dress with sequin heals These colors meant a lot to her because it validates her idea of who she knew she is and wanted to be open about being a Pansexual woman She wanted to come out to her loved ones that she likes to be in relationships with people of all different sexualities and genders She is happy that her queer friends invite her to parties and let her know about the boys and girls and nonbinary people they and she think are cute and she wants to share the opportunity with everyone because that is how she really thinks She never thought she would really want to come out because she was scared of losing so many people, especially her Argentine catholic family but then she looked at herself and what she wished she could have told her 13 year old self when she started to feel these ways and the 19 year old who asked out this girl she liked but was too afraid to disappoint her family so she told them that they couldn’t date So she would have told her younger self go go go I don’t want anyone who conditioned you to think that you had to apologize or feel obtuse. No! Not here and not now you go and love so hard! And don’t you ever feel like you made a choice — the only choice you made was to accept yourself! Don’t you ever shrink down small so you can fit into small spaces and small minds. Go out and grow!! This world is big. You will fit. I promise.
Content warning for next page: mentions of blood
9
All You Have to Do is Smile Ceph 1/18/19 “Now go greet Him, remember — all you have to do Is Smile.” — But truly, what am I to you? For, you are but a simple sycophant: here only to tear me apart with gilded aristocracy. To justify the act of murder, no less. A heathen in sheep’s clothing — Riskless sentiment welling in your ribcage only to be met with disappointment, no — Fear. What is this smile if not a spontaneous crisis, a plea for help if I’ve ever seen one. Rough, forced, jammed onto my face, but, it never quite fits. I just have to bare my teeth, like I curl my fist; strong, crushing, just hard enough to break Skin. Blood rushing beneath my fingers, beneath my teeth. And yet, I am still tentative, still tepid. Meek, and motherless in front of this monstrous man. I am told I should be gracious, for this wretch. That it could be worse; but it is just more Nonsense — from a mouth that is not mine.
10
All I have to do is Smile, if I am to be — what’s the word: Complacent. And I’ve never been good at sitting on Fences. He is just an effigy of every other disaster, Every other death on this god forsaken soil. Every bigoted, writhing, squeal, of colonial adoration cheering him on. Yet, I’m told I’m the one overreacting. I am forced to prove that I am even worth existing, In front Of Him. And It has come to self loyalty, it is all I have left. This smile is a warning, there are no gifts here, I am the God of this decrepit hovel; battered and beaten from decades of famine, of war on my land, my people. And I am oh, so zealous in my Vengeance. What I owe to this man, is everything he’s ever given me, every threat, every weapon, every epidemic, every bared tooth. In grimace and gain, cracked across my face. Remember, all I have to do is Smile.
Content warning for next page: mild colorful gore
11
The Surgery Morgo Yon
12
Witch Way Ceph 13
Remind Me of Tomorrow Ty Han 14
15
Friends Hannah Wayman
16
Summertime Sapphics Rue Dickey
17
18
Under Lotus Eve Christine Hoang
19
Ache Wren Alman
Heat in the pit of me Broad wounds across narrow shoulders Fire up my spine Air in my ears Failing body Trembling hands Cane that says ‘None of your business’ Eyes that say Please don’t ask I can’t take it Heart that says I loved a girl, I loved a girl, I love a girl
20
Lasting Impression Rue Dickey
21
you were the last thing i expected Tiana Week i. you were the last thing i expected. a tinge of childhood pain colors everything i do – how i walk, how i move, how i love… who am i to ask for anything more than loneliness? who am i, that someone might see something long-lasting in the way i laugh? my father says i have no common sense. my mother is perplexed on the days i don’t wear dresses. my last lover couldn’t sit on the same side of the couch as me in front of her mother. i suppose i thought living in the real world was about settling for less, and then less, and then less, until everyone else had long-beaten the passion out of me and drained the longing from my lips. ii. you come, and you come with music that swells around me in the dark at first. i try to shrug you off, but something in the way you move is straight out of the stories i loved so much when i was finding out for real who i was, and i think that’s quite healing. anyone who’s gotten close enough has always edged my gashes wider, sometimes intentionally. it’s happened to you, too, so you make it your mission to be a balm. you’re so beautiful that something tells me i shouldn’t believe you, but i want to – i want to. so my mind is made, and i do.
22
iii. we kiss, and i hold your cheek with my palm – when i draw back, i see in your eyes that it moved you, i can move you? i have never moved another person in my life, and why should it be you, with the ringed thumb caressing mine, the cheeks carved from rose quartz, the impossibly long eyelashes that seem to smirk their triumph at me? why should it be you, the one who has no unkind words for anyone, in not the holier-than-thou sense, but in just living in a higher state of being that you have no time for such transgressions? iv. i wait for the sign of danger or a compromise. i expect it to come in the form of unmistakable distance, i flinch when others encroach on where we are sharing space – you put your hand on my knee in the backseat of your roommate’s car to settle my nerves. oh. and through the night, my hand edges to do the same. and suddenly, i have yet to compromise anything i’ve been wanting in order to keep you near me, and i have yet to feel alone when you’re beaming up at me. i only feel whole. i love that. i love us.
23
Psychosis Sho McClarence 24
June Juniper Alliston 25
Sleepy Hannah Wayman
26
Want Quianna Pabiana Ohren 27
Dark Heart of Eagle Nebula Sho McClarence 28
Nail Anonymous
29
Futch Quianna Pabiana Ohren 30
31
Artist Statements Masks, Front Cover Ty Han
This is a self-portrait piece. Moths are very important to me as a symbol of my young adolescence and the identity and mental health issues I went through as a younger human. I struggled with living as my true self to the outside world, and this piece is an homage to that closeted existence, which while painful contained its own moments of joy and fleeting beauty.
i bid my heart be still, but she beats ever faster, Pg. 6 Tiana Week
This piece reminds me of the deep spirituality of loving someone, defying time and gender. If you like that sort of thing, I hope someday you love someone who feels like you’ve met them over and over and over again.
Mùa Xuân Này Chung Toi Yêu, Pg. 7 Christine Hoang
Two Vietnamese queer femmes embrace under their shared conical hat, nón lá. This design symbolizes the vulnerability with sharing our fears and desires that we may hesitate to confront ourselves. What holds you back, and what moves you to name them? Sharing our vulnerability can mean sharing access with ourselves and each other. We create a sense of feeling home with much love and care.
The Cards We Are Dealt, Pg. 8 Morgo Yon
I always wanted to call this one “The Cards We Are Dealt,” and it has to do with Asexuality, aka Ace. I made this piece mid 2018 when I identified as Ace (and had the chance to try out photoshop!). I think it’s something a lot of Ace folks have experienced, a realization how the world revolves around attraction and 32
impression and “matching,” and that’s not a bad thing! It just feels isolating at times. The individual may feel old fashioned compared to others because she can’t grasp what others are into. The foundations of the society are built on attraction. A King and a Queen go together, but there isn’t really a match for an Ace. (While I don’t ID as Ace anymore, I think a lot of folks resonate with this feeling!)
Self-Crown (excerpt), Pg. 9 Isabella Preble
This poem is an anthem to myself to be proud of who I am and hopefully inspire others to live in their truth. I also recognize that the intersectionlites of my identity are also not unique to me and it is important for all people to step up and love more.
All You Have to Do is Smile, Pg. 10 Ceph
All you have to do is smile is just about me being very uncomfortable around men and how policy affects my expression as a queer person for fear of my safety!
The Surgery, Pg. 12 Morgo Yon
My thoughts towards top surgery. I’d give anything to have my chest removed, so this piece is kinda a cartoony-interpretation. You can tear me limb from limb, but so long as you remove my chest too, I can’t complain.
Witch Way, Pg. 13 Ceph
A photo study based on gender portrayal in horror movies in regards to gender, and specifically transness.
Remind Me of Tomorrow, Pg. 14 Ty Han
My chief intention with this piece is a celebration of women loving women. As a flaming lesbian, I love looking at and interacting with women. Making art of girls being intimate and affectionate with each other has been more healing for me than anything else.
Friends, Pg. 16 Hannah Wayman
These are the main characters from my comic! They are close friends and of course, all queer!
Summertime Sapphics, Pg. 17 Rue Dickey
Nothing warms up the chill of winter and spring than girlfriends lounging on the beach.
Under Lotus Eve, Pg. 18 Christine Hoang
Paper boats and lotuses migrate across the blue in the pacific water. Turned agent orange and maroon red by western imperialism, the ripples of making meaning with our sense of being sinks deep. This pattern echoes the unexpressed, yet expressed, and expressing yearn of a language, culture, and history from which colonialism forces a disconnection. Redefining wholeness, liminal possibilities reflect on the flesh of the lotus petals.
Ache, Pg. 20 Wren Alman
I wrote this when I was having difficulty coping with chronic pain, and feeling lonesome and unloveable because of my illnesses.
Lasting Impression, Pg. 21 Rue Dickey
“Once you’ve met someone, you never really forget them.”
you were the last thing i expected, Pg. 22
wanted to make it clear that it’s possible for us to find someone who makes us feel like our best self, has the best intentions for us, and meshes with us in all the ways that matter. This is for a special someone named Maddy. I love you, strawberry.
Psychosis, Pg. 24 Sho McClarence
This work explores the terrifying mind-altering experience of psychosis and how even everyday objects can be warped in the mind’s eye to seem horrific. Sitting on the intersections of queer and mentally ill, there are many stigmas about what it means to accept self even during hard times and as someone who struggles with psychosis, I find this work to explore these struggles and shine a light on something that affects 1 in 100 people.
June, Pg. 25
Juniper Alliston This piece signifies the duality of my bodymind: where my body attempts to stay structurally sound like flying buttresses balancing and redistributing weight from a Gothic monument, and where my mind is like a stained-glass rose window- beautiful yet unpredictable as for when it might shatter.
Sleepy, Pg. 26 Hannah Wayman
These are two of the main characters from my comic, they are a gay couple and very in love.
Want, Pg. 27
Quianna Pabiana Ohren
Tiana Week
Simply a want.
This is the most personal of my pieces for submission. I just wanted to share something hopeful and a connection that I’m proud of. I have struggled in the past with my insecurities, my family’s perception of me, coming out in college to a sea of people who wanted to take advantage of my attention or my body without giving any affection in return (I feel that this is a gay issue that hasn’t been touched upon yet, but is deeply important to mention), and relationships that were born more out of convenience than true compatibility. I just
Dark Heart of Eagle Nebula, Pg. 28 Sho McClarence
This work explores the ideas of space and color outside of our earthy plane. Modeled off of the Eagle Nebula the colors bleed together in an abstract cloud, that opens like a curtain to reveal more colors beneath the surface. In some ways, I see this piece as an allusion to intersectionality and that the more you pull back the layers of our identities there are always more facets to our selves. 33
Thank you to our wonderful committee members, contributors, and staff members for all your hard work this term. Look out for the next edition coming soon!
Editorial Team
Matronly Mentor / Assistant Director / Cindy Konrad Design Demon / Creative Director / Ty Sokalski King of Communications / Editor-in-Chief / Wren Alman
Committee
Artistic Afficionado / Design Consultant / Juniper Alliston Literary Legend / Literary Editor / Cori Elam Strategic Strongarm / Literary Editor / Rue Dickey Editorial Eminence / Committee / Hope Trautman Editorial Eminence / Committee / Aleysa Garcia Rivas
Visit Us
Facebook: facebook.com/OSUPrideCenter Twitter: @pridecenter Instagram: @osupridecenter Phone: 541-737-9161 Email: Pride.Center@oregonstate.edu Location: 1553 SW A Ave., Corvallis, OR 97333 For a digital version of the zine, extended content, and to submit to the next issue, visit our Facebook page!
34
ACCEPTING SUBMISSIONS
PAPER CLOUD 2019 To submit, check out our Facebook page @OSUPrideCenter for a link to the form! The early submission deadline is Week 5 of Fall Term 2019.
35