U
S IS
Published April 2018
E 01
BEFORE YOU BEGIN The aim of this magazine is to share experiences surrounding mental health and wellbeing with honesty. Therefore, some articles may trigger an adverse reaction. Reader discretion is advised.
Disclaimer: Written and visual works featured in this magazine are based on the current level of knowledge, and understanding of the respective authors surrounding mental health, mental health issues and wellbeing. Not all issues are discussed or presented in detail due to the length of this magazine.
Opinions expressed throughout the magazine are those of the speaker, and do not represent the perspectives of the OTG Mental Health Committee, Overcome the Gap or McMaster University.Â
CREATIVE WRITING / MINDMAP
HEART Sweetheart, it’s red for a reason. - it’s been broken before; the pith of emotions, our instrument of love one word, one bite, one shattered now you hold the broken pieces in your mouth - you’ve done this before; swallow them whole, wallow it all splintered like cinnamon hearts, leaving trails of blisters trying to gulp before the burn, but left unavoided - you’ve taken them before; the sweet release should soothe your flaming tongue so now you wait for the release of pain the sweet ruby drop promised in the first bite I’ve told you before. - after the first time - after the second time And I tell you again. - after this last time you can never kill the pain, it does not live. you are only killing yourself, you are the one who lives. no amount of jawbreakers, no amount of painkillers, they will come back - the aches will come back - each time stronger. these solutions are temporary, conditions extemporary - we need true vulnerary. Sweetheart, it’s red for a reason. - it’s a sign
AUTHOR: KENNETH MARU RYU
3
4
MINDMAP / PHOTOGRAPHY
PHOTOGRAPHY
SOLITUDE
Description: It isn’t uncommon for university students to struggle with feelings of isolation. Among many significant changes that accompany the transition from high school to university, this time marks a shift toward increased independence and freedom. However, this push towards self-sufficiency can also leave students feeling adrift. These feelings are only compounded by the predominant academic culture that pushes students to succeed, leading to even greater feelings of alienation for those students having difficulties. In this photograph, the marble statue uniquely depicts the perspective of a person who feels that they are nothing more than an onlooker to life — an individual struggling with feelings of isolation, yet incapable of reaching out to those around them. For those of you who are experiencing these feelings, it is important to recognize that you are not alone and that there are many individuals willing to help if you reach out, as difficult as it may be.
AUTHOR: ADRIANA FEDOROWYCZ
PHOTOGRAPHY / MINDMAP
5
IT’S OKAY As I stand on a beach feeling the warm, white sand beneath my feet, I admire the turquoise ocean in front of me. As I listen to the crashing waves, I look up, open my arms out wide and feel the warmth of the sun on my face. I smile as calmness washes over my body. This is the most beautiful moment of my life – I have never felt so free, mindful and at peace. All of a sudden, I hear my alarm clock ringing. I turn towards the clock and realize I slept in. I rush out of bed and quickly step into the shower. The water didn’t come out warm today and I step out shivering. It’s okay. Keep cool. The day just started. I rummage through my closet, put on something casual, fix up my hair and then look at myself in the mirror. I take a deep breath and smile. But something just didn’t feel right – I still feel so tense. It’s probably the cold shower. It’s okay. It’s going to be a great day. I rush downstairs for breakfast only to see nothing prepared for me. I look outside for my mom’s car and see that she already left for work. I guess today just had to be the day she didn’t make breakfast for me. It’s fine. Mom was probably in a rush today too. It’s okay. It’s going to be a great day. I look at my watch and realize I don’t have much time. I run to the kitchen and reach for a cup but it slips out of my hands and falls straight to the floor. I look at the broken pieces and tear up. No, don’t cry. Things happen. It’s okay. I clean up the mess and then head out for class. I’m already fifteen minutes late and I didn’t even have breakfast. I run to the lecture hall and sit at the very back row. I try to calm down but for some reason, I just can’t concentrate on what the professor is saying. Relax. There’s still the rest of the day left. It’s going to be okay. I text my friend after class, hoping to get lunch together ut I get a reply back saying that she won’t be able to come. I was really looking forward to meeting her. Once again, tears well up in my eyes. Maybe something really important came up last minute. That’s why she can’t come. Cheer up. It’s okay. While having lunch alone, I decide to check if my midterm marks have been posted. I had been waiting to see what I got for a while because I studied really hard for this midterm. I click on grades and see that I got a 67%. This time, I couldn’t control the tears. I go to the washroom and quietly cry in a stall. I thought I did better, but I failed. It’s okay. Don’t cry. It’s just one mark. You’ve gotten worse marks before and you still have a few more chances to raise your grade. Chill. It’s going to be okay. I walk towards my last class of the day. A couple of classmates greet me. I give my best smile possible but I won’t be able to hold it in for long. I just want to go home, lock myself in my room and… cry. Why are you crying? Just forget about what happened and focus on the rest of the day. Everything is fine. You’re strong. You can’t cry over these small things. Just relax! It’s going to be okay. I take a few deep breaths and start to feel somewhat calm. My phone vibrates and I check my email app. It’s about the interview I had two weeks ago. I confidently open it only to read that I am not being offered a position. I have been rejected for the fifth time in a row. I feel like total loser. Nothing is going right today. This is horrible. My life is such a mess. Maybe you aren’t meant to get that position. Relax. It’s not the first time you have been rejected. Something else will come up soon. It’s going to be okay.
6
MINDMAP / PHOTOGRAPHY
I slowly walk back home. I feel no sense of the world around me. I wait for the pedestrian signal but I have this urge to cross the street for a car to run me over. At least that way I can be free from my problems. I am done with life. All I wanted was a good day. I walk straight to my room then cry on my bed. Why are you crying? STOP crying! You’ve been crying the whole day! Things like this happen in life. Just accept what’s going on. Everything is fine! You’re crying as if it’s the end of the world. Just stop! It’s going to be okay! You’re okay! I don’t think I have ever cried for so long. I finally calm down then stare out my window. I look up at the sky. It was cloudy all day long with a little rain every now and then. I let out a heavy sigh and close my eyes. Maybe the sun will come out tomorrow. It just happened to be another one of those days – but I promise, like always, it’s going to be okay.
AUTHOR: MEERA PATEL
DYSEMBODIMENT / MINDMAP
7
DYSEMBODIMENT Curated and Produced by Katherine Chan Hosted by Break’ Art Mix, artist’s residency 10 rue Séguier, 75006 Paris Original Publication Date: January 26th, 2017
“DYSEMBODIMENT” is a creation of an experience in which your awareness of your own and of others’ sexualities is heightened. This experience invites you to think about INTENT: why are you exposing your sexuality, and why do we feel the need to identify and understand others’ sexualities? The body carries the semantics, the symbolism, and the inevitably ‘easy’ introduction to first and lasting impressions, whether we intend for it or not. There is a disjointedness that exists between the multiple personas within us. How far away is our mind from our physical form? In what ways are our bodies hindering, shaping, and limiting our definition of the selves? How much does the tangible represent us, and how much do we allow it to? Participating artists are Consent (mixed media artist,) Ray Hsu (poet, educator, connector between the arts, virtual reality and technology), and Katherine Chan (writer, curator). The show consists of presentation of poetry and prose, including responses to the artworks created for this show, from Katherine and Ray, read and performed by Parisian artists and Katherine; art installation from Consent; a brief video documentation of a virtual reality experience from Ray and Katherine, and a discussion with audience. This is an interactive exhibition of inter-arts practices from three Canadian artists, producing individual and collaborative artwork.
8
MINDMAP / POEM
POEM / MINDMAP
POEM
TITLE: IRRATIONAL EXUBERANCE Extend the arms and see no limbs — what a revolutionary way of being! I pace, paying attention to every step my invisible feet take. Pushing gently, I knock down the concrete collected, condensed, and compromised Congregated the everything I’ve ever learned about what my body and sexuality mean. What do we know? The irresistible new light has positioned itself beyond my concretized self, Silently, calmly, for eternity. I now see the man-made concrete behind my own cement As I watch the virtual disintegrated float in that sweet temper, the symbol of life and chance continues to prove its existence, Like an unfailing reassurance. The feeling is a continual reminder: you alone are possible.
9
NOTE TO SELF Taking care of myself is not personal failure. My mental health is worth more than the test, the interview, the meeting, the assignment, the grocery-run. I am exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel. My happiness is essential. Self-care is how I take my power back.
CREATIVE WRITING / MINDMAP
SOMEONE I USED TO KNOW You are someone I used to know, Someone who would make me feel uneasy if we were to cross paths again. At first glance, you seem like a stranger—time has not been so kind to you. You ran my world, you called the shots, you kept me alive. But underneath the coat of compliments you filled in my head, the truth remains. The truth: you are a memory I want to forget. You are an emotion I want to suppress. You are an inconvenience, a haunting presence from my past— Disrupting the present, blinding me from what’s to come. As much as I despise you— what you did and how you made me feel— I can’t seem to let you go. You were once a significant part of me. Don’t get me wrong, you still are: I have so many scars, scars from people like you, from people far worse than you. I have so many scars, but they are ONLY scars—wounds that will heal over time. Yet, the wound you inflicted has not healed, and time only seems to rub more salt. Perhaps that’s why I can never forget you, let alone forgive you. With every brief movement, I am reminded of your memory; I no longer despise you, but I am still haunted by you. It scares me to think that there is a chance, even a slim chance, of you waltzing back into my life. It scares me to think that there is a chance, even a slim chance, of me losing control, Once again. Your sly grin taunts me: you do not think that I am capable of moving on. You’re not wrong. But I’m trying. So let me try. Because I don’t want to feel sick inside at the thought of you. I don’t want to be belittled by your existence. I want to be able to look at me and not see you. But before I bid you farewell—a farewell that has long been awaited—
11
12
MINDMAP / CREATIVE WRITING
I do want to thank you. I want to thank you for keeping me and all my broken pieces together. I want to thank you for the realization that you are someone I never want to know. I want to thank you for helping me. So now, I bid you farewell, hoping that this is truly the last Because although we are separated by only a mirror, You were I And I was you some long time ago.
AUTHOR: ANONYMOUS
CREATIVE WRITING / MINDMAP
13
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is marked by a “pervasive pattern of instability in affect regulation, impulse control, interpersonal relationships, and self-image”.1 I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder last fall, after seven years of seeing various healthcare professionals. To this day, the hardest part of my experience has been trying to get someone to believe me. As my emotions were perpetually passed off as being “part of the teenage experience”, I, too, was passed off from one healthcare professional to another. I finally booked an appointment with a psychiatrist and was given the answer I had craved for so long: borderline personality disorder. The disorder presents itself in many ways. For me, it means that my mood changes rapidly – from very happy to very sad – sometimes without reason. I also experience periods of extreme anger and bitterness, usually as an overreaction to something upsetting a loved one has done or said to me. However, underneath the rapid mood changes lies a chronic feeling of emptiness. This is not to say that my mood is always either extreme or absent; I am often in what I can only describe as a “baseline” state in which I am content. Nevertheless, the mood swings do happen and can be quite intrusive, leading me to waste entire days in bed. In addition to being unable to properly regulate my mood, I am highly suggestible. My goals, desires, and opinions change often – sometimes spontaneously and without me realizing it. On a small scale, this means I’ll decide that I want to go back to my old summer job when, months before, I was convinced I was never going back. On a larger scale, it means that I am never fully sure of decisions, commitments, or key features of my own identity. Over the last few years, I have gone from being committed to the Catholic church I was raised in, to deciding that Catholicism isn’t entirely for me. I imagine that this spiritual journey, which likely stems from unrelenting uneasiness and fear, will take me to explore Buddhism, Taoism, and many other religions. All of this, in an effort to find peace. Nothing sits right with me. As is the case for many with BPD, self-image has been a problem for me for as long as I can remember. Although I am trying now more than ever to love my body (tummy included!), the thoughts of never being thin enough or having the “perfect body” continue to haunt me. I hope that I, along with everyone else who experiences difficulties accepting their bodies, will do ourselves the justice of remembering that there is no wrong way to have a body. Despite the mood swings and self-image issues, the most mournful aspect of BPD for me lies in interpersonal relationships. The intensity with which I experience romantic relationships is immense and often one-sided. When I love someone, I smother them. I love them with every possible fibre of my being and when it’s over, I lose a part of myself. I am still trying to move past a relationship that ended almost four years ago. We’re both dating different people now, but sometimes I think about everything that happened and I shake so hard that I can’t breathe and everything turns a darker shade of blue. Even though he probably never thinks of me anymore, I still have nightmares about him. The grieving never stops. As one would imagine, this heartbreak is not only hard on myself, but also on my current boyfriend. Even with him, I will switch between completely devaluing him to idealizing him – a concept referred to as “splitting”. Sometimes he is the worst person on earth, and other times I want to spend the rest of our lives together. Again, this is not to say that I am always devaluing or idealizing him. I am most often in a “baseline” state where I am very much content with our relationship. Although I rarely act on the feelings associated with splitting, the intensity to which I feel them is relentless and exhausting. I’ll also go through periods of time where I feel like
14
MINDMAP / CREATIVE WRITING
we are not suited for each other, allowing prolonged panic to settle in with me. In fact, in one of these periods, I broke up with him – only to become so distraught that I threw up and begged him to stay with me, all in the span of an hour. I am forever grateful for the patient and gentle nature of my boyfriend who is taking every step with me. Regardless of the challenges that I experience in relation to BPD, there are as many upsides as there are downsides. Because romantic relationships are always intense for me, I am able to love deeply, passionately, and loyally. I am able to invest large amounts of time and energy into relationships, and I have a lot of love to offer. It also means that I am a very compassionate person. I can empathize with people, making me a caring friend. My experiences, especially the distressing ones, have given me insight into topics not often discussed. They allow me to offer advice from a personal perspective and suggest possible solutions to problems people may face. If anything, I am able and happy to listen to friends’ struggles with an open, non-judgemental, and compassionate ear. Above all else, I am resilient. With each struggle, I continue to blossom. I have been given a remarkable opportunity to grow stronger and learn which battles are worth fighting. Nonetheless, it remains an unfortunate fact that BPD and those who experience it are highly stigmatized. I see this in my own life when I am told that I am manipulative. It must be recognized – and I cannot make this clear enough – that the reason I act in those ways is not because I am trying to be manipulative or benefit from someone else, but simply because I seek love and validation. For example, sometimes I frame questions in certain ways to get my boyfriend to tell me he loves me. Although my actions are not always the best means to an end, they are well-intentioned. I will admit that people like myself can be hard to deal with at times, but we also have so much to offer. For all of the challenges we may present, we have an equal – if not greater – positive attribute. We are worth it.
AUTHOR: ANONYMOUS
ART SUBMISSIONS / MINDMAP
15
In Denial
Looks can be deceiving; what we often see isn’t the full truth. The painting highlights my personal depiction of how I handle every situation, and my perspective on the way mental health is anticipated in society. In the painting, the girl is surrounded by various strokes of colour, which represents the emotions the diversified sentiments that come from life. This means that her emotions are merely a reflection of her surroundings, and not what’s beneath the surface — her own self, portrayed using greyscale. Therefore, this painting demonstrates how mental health is not physically visual to society, but paints the life of the individual experiencing the journey.
AUTHOR: Momna Sajid
16
MINDMAP / ART SUBMISSIONS
AUTHOR: Jessica Yorga
Only through the open exchange of ideas, beliefs, and perspectives can we truly recognize the nuances of personal experience and history surrounding mental health and wellbeing. MHS Team 2018/19