Murphy’s camping laws (and other stories) IT JUST TAKES INCENTIVE BY CHANTAL MACARTNEY JOKES AND COMICAL stories are great to hear or tell while trekking a hot dusty trail, or around the campfire after another great day. Here are some to keep everyone smiling – perhaps even Murphy!
DON’T BE TOO ANALYTICAL
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his friend. “Watson. Look up and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.” “Yes, but what does that tell you?” Holmes asked. Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. “What does it tell you?” Holmes was silent for a minute, and then spoke. “You idiot! Someone stole our tent.”
MURPHY’S OUTDOOR STRATEGIES AND CAMPING LAWS
• Want to keep neighbours away in a public campsite? Put a tuba on your picnic table. • A potato baked in the coals for an hour makes a tasty, nutritious side dish. A potato forgotten in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck. • Bells provide some element of safety for hikers in bear country. Of course, it’s hard getting them on the bears. • Want to duplicate the warmth of a down-filled sleeping bag, but at half the price? Climb into a plastic garbage bag with several geese. • Any pebble that finds its way into your hiking boot will migrate to the point of maximum pressure and discomfort. • Your side of the tent is always the one that leaks. • The width of backpack straps decreases with the distance hiked, while backpack weight increases. • The sun sets 3 1/2 times faster than normal when you’re trying to set up camp. • When you are in a sleeping bag, the need to pee is inversely proportional to the amount of clothing worn.
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OTTAWAOUTDOORS SUMMER/FALL 2006
A loaded minivan pulled into the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped out and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking gear. A nearby camper marvelled to the youngsters’ father, “That’s some display of teamwork.” The father replied, “I have a system – no one goes to the bathroom until camp is set up.”
CAMPER COMMENTS
Following are real remarks on National Park comment cards, written by backpackers just in from wilderness trips: • Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill. • Too many bugs, leeches, spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests. • Consider paving the trails so they can be plowed in winter. • The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please get rid of these annoying animals. • The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.
CAMP COMMODITY
An elegant, delicate and proper lady was planning a camping trip to a new park. Before making reservations, she wanted to find out about the toilets. But, she mused, “How do you ask this question in a polite way?” She just couldn’t write the word “toilet” in her letter to the ranger. After much thought, she decided on the old-fashioned term “bathroom commode.” But seeing the word in print, she thought that even it looked rude. Finally, she rewrote the letter referring to the bathroom commode as the “BC.” “Does the campground have its own BC?” she asked politely. When the park ranger got the letter, the meaning of “BC” stumped him. After considerable thought, he decided that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church. So he wrote the following reply… Dear Madam: I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located 16 kilometres north of the campground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly, but you will be pleased to know that many park visitors take their lunches along and make a happy day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics
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