Aren’t you hungry?

8 Things You Need to Stop Saying to Your Kids Right Now

By Pam Moore

They say there are no dumb questions. They are wrong. There are, in fact, many dumb questions. I know because I ask them more often than Kim Kardashian posts a selfie. In the spirit of conscious parenting and minimizing the urge to stab myself with a Lego, I’ve composed a list of dumb questions to stop asking my kids.

1. Are you ready to go?

Before asking this question, assess the situation. Are the child’s shoes on? Has the child gone to the bathroom? (Alternatively: Is her diaper smuggling a wrecking ball?) Is the child already holding whatever toy, doll, or tchotchke she needs to bring? If not, save your breath and some aggravation. The child is not ready to go. you were doing by 7,832. Plan to finish sometime next year.

Next time, try saying, “Not right now,” and then placing either the child or yourself in a locked, soundproof chamber where you or they will remain until your task is complete.

3. Do you have to go to the bathroom? She might be emulating Michael Jackson, the way she’s holding her crotch, but if your child is like mine, unless she’s actually on the toilet, the answer to this question is a big, fat “no.” You might think you’re being a responsible parent when you ask this question. In fact, you are wasting your time. Your kid will go when she’s good and ready and not a second before… hopefully.

2. Can you wait a minute?

If you say this to someone who has no idea how long a minute is, prepare for the aftermath: A small voice will ask, “Has it been a minute?” approximately every 15 seconds until you lose your mind. Multiply the number of uninterrupted minutes required to complete whatever

4. Did you poop? (toddler exclusive!) You saw her disappear into the other room. She smells like a dumpster. And you know that every day of a toddler’s life is sponsored by the word “no.” Asking a two-year-old whether she pooped is like asking the Trump administration if climate change is really a thing.