A Love Not Worth Dying For

Looking into how the romanticization of abusive or unhealthy relationships can negatively impact those watching

BY RILEY RUNNELLS| PHOTOS BY PROVIDED

“I’d die for you,” they said. “I’d kill for you. I can’t live without you; you’re my one and only.”

It is likely people have come across these quotes in various film and television productions. These “words of affection” are said within the context of relationships — specifically, intense relationships that utilize unhealthy methods of expression that are glorified as romantic by fictional media.

Shows like “Pam and Tommy'' and “Pretty Little Liars” and films like the “Twilight” saga or the “After” series are all some of the worst offenders of promoting these unhealthy relationships.

Often, this leads to misinformation spread through fictional projections about what is normal and healthy in a relationship, further leading to psychological damage. But why is it that they are promoted in this way? Carmen Pierce, a graduate student at Ohio University in her second year of the film studies program, believes the oversaturation of unhealthy relationships comes from the disconnect between what people want to see and what is accurate to real life.

“It’s kind of like an ouroboros snake eating its tail because if we, as the general public, continue to consume this content, it’s supply [and] demand,” Pierce said. “If we keep eating it up, they’re going to keep making it.”

Pierce also cited the more recent phenomenon of hatewatching, where people watch content even though it is not something they are truly interested in. It becomes more of a catalyst for conversation between groups of friends or self-entertainment. There is also the premise of watching shows or films because of the actors in them.

Either way, the content will continue because no matter the audience’s motivation for watching a piece of fictional work, the industry creatives behind the project are still getting the revenue. This means as long as the demand exists, the supply will continue.

Though the audience’s voyeurism of watching these relationships in a fictional sense can seem harmless, the

psychological effects on the perception of real relationships can be extremely damaging. Kristin Waltz, an advocate in the Ohio University Survivor Advocacy Program, or SAP, explained that oftentimes people equate intensity in a relationship with a healthy relationship. There are a lot of romanticizing behaviors of intensity: doing anything for someone, instant attraction, thinking trying harder means getting love in the end, and more unrealistic and unhealthy tropes.

“Somehow we’ve convinced ourselves that’s romantic,” Waltz said. “I don't know how we romanticize that, but I think it's like, ‘They love me so much that they're gonna follow me around and give in,’ and it's awful.”

Waltz said these intense types of behavior have trained our brains to believe that is what real love and real attraction should be. Though the scenarios and pieces of media change over time, there are some tropes that have not and will not go away in regard to what is healthy or not in a relationship.

“I certainly don't think that it's new,” Waltz said. “I think what's new is that we're recognizing it and that we desire for it to change or to be acknowledged that it's not OK.”

But let’s look at some of the characteristics to tell when a romanticized relationship is actually a toxic one. Because SAP works with survivors of intimate partner violence, sexual and mental abuse, and stalking, Waltz is trained to understand the warning signs and help others identify them as well.

First, it goes back to the intensity in relationships. Waltz cited Bella and Edward in “Twilight” as one of the worst offenders of unhealthy relationship promotion. The vampire boyfriend and human girlfriend have five films and four books of unhealthy behavior. Warning signs in “Twilight” include Edward watching Bella while she sleeps, his overprotectiveness to the point where he wants her to leave her father and not see her friends so

he can keep her safe 24/7, and, in the second book/film, Bella’s reckless behavior putting herself in danger to get back at Edward for abandoning her.

“That film was made for a certain audience, right?” Pierce said. “Like we're not gonna say that was general public; that was for like tween/teenage young girls at that time. I think that gets into a psychology of what we're taught as young people to what we should want in a relationship is someone who watches over us. And it's taken too literal to its craziest degree in that film.”

This type of intensity is also present in the “After” film series, which follows Tessa, a good girl who just got to college and falls for Hardin, a bad boy who is allergic to commitment. The films themselves stemmed from Wattpad fanfiction about Harry Styles, so already it was beginning on a fictional premise. However, the first “After” film set up the series to have a PG-13, teens-and-early-20s viewership. But the second film, “After We Collided,” then switched to an R-rating and perpetuated even more harsh abuse.

Anyone watching the films is made to root for Tessa and Hardin. However, the toxicity is more than present in every action: Hardin’s substance abuse due to mental health issues and his treatment of Tessa with possessiveness, overstepping, isolation from her loved ones, and more is made to be romantic, which skews the perceptions of those watching. More than that, though, is the way Tessa then makes excuses for him and stays with him in the hope that he will change his behavior, which sends the message to young women

that behavior like that is OK and can be rectified.

Moving over to television, “Pretty Little Liars” is a prime example of unhealthy relationships as well. One of the main characters, Aria, meets a man named Ezra when she is at a bar underage, and though he is a college graduate, she still flirts with him and ends up making out with him in the bathroom. Quickly after, the two discover that Ezra is Aria’s high school English teacher, but they continue their affair in secret until much later in the series. Their on-again/off-again relationship continues throughout the show and eventually results in their marriage. The age difference is not only romanticized but justified by the show’s creators.

“As people are growing up, I think we need to talk about things that are red flags,” Waltz said. “Like love bombing. I would say things like feeling that super instant connection where everything is great, like the first time you meet and this is the person you're going to be with forever.”

A huge proponent of these red flags comes from Hulu’s show “Pam and Tommy,” which is arguably the worst offender of romanticizing unhealthy relationships. The show follows the whirlwind romance of model and actress Pamela Anderson and Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy

Lee. Though the show mainly focuses on the leaked sex tape of the couple and the aftermath of that, it mostly shows the good parts of their relationship — and absolutely none of the mental or physical abuse Tommy enacted on Pamela throughout their relationship.

More significant than the reframing of abuse, though, is the fact that the show was created without Pamela’s consent.

“The show is about her sex tape without her consent, and now this discourse is circulating on the internet that this show that we have made is now on the same pantheon of that original sex tape,” Pierce said. “I think that's, frankly, gross. It's also like, you’re flaunting this as this feminist stance of, ‘We're giving her story back,’ and ‘We're telling it,’ and ‘We now understand in the year 2022 how she was demonized and sexualized and fetishized,’ and I still think even that language of saying, ‘We're giving her her story back,’ what do you mean? If she wanted to tell her actual story, like if Pam Anderson came out and was like, ‘I have this script that I wrote about my tumultuous trauma of those 1990s years’ and it gets greenlit, that's a story. That would be interesting. But I do think there's this weird undercurrent of sexism and misogyny that they're like trying to wrap it and sugarcoat it in feminism and it's

the exact opposite.”

Waltz and Pierce’s concerns also come from the people who are not doing the extra research into understanding how Pamela was abused, and are just seeing the romanticized version on screen.

On a broader scale, they wonder how all of these toxic relationships impact those watching and how they can deeply skew perceptions of reality. The theory of cultivation describes this best, as it is a theoretical framework that longterm exposure to media shapes how the consumers of media perceive the world and conduct themselves, according to a report from Simply Psychology. This can apply to relationships, as people’s exposure to harmful, abusive relationships can impact how they see the world and interact with others romantically.

“I think there does need to be pressure to have things be a little more realistic,” Waltz said. “But as long as [unhealthy relationships] sell, as long as they are very popular, it's going to be very difficult to get people to change that. I think learning to recognize red flags, and if things are moving too fast, maybe we need to sort of reevaluate where

“I THINK THERE DOES NEED TO BE PRESSURE TO HAVE THINGS BE A LITTLE MORE REALISTIC,” WALTZ SAID.

we are. Recognizing that love is built over time and not in the first two times you've talked to them on an app or something.”

Pierce and Waltz encourage creators to make a change in perpetuating some of these unhealthy ideals. For Pierce, it mostly comes down to who is in the writers’ room.

“Who is telling the story?” Pierce said. “Is it someone that went through this? Is it the real person? Are there women in the writers’ room? Are there trans women in the writers’ room? Are there people of color in the writers’ room? If you're going to tell a story like this, have the person telling the story be the creator. And if they're not behind the camera, if they're not the screenwriter, have them in the room at least. I think that's what

a lot of modern, recent things are missing, like ‘Pam and Tommy.’”

On the flip side, it is not just up to the creators to make a change: viewers of these types of media can self-educate or work to better understand healthy relationships to avoid having their perspectives skewed by a film or television show.

“The people who are willing to address that publicly, I think that needs to happen,” Waltz said. “I think the biggest piece to all of this is going to be open discussion about it. And with more open discussion, then perhaps fewer people will seek out that sort of content. But I think if someone chooses to watch “Twilight” but is going into it with eyes wide open, it's not going to impact their behavior and make them think it's OK to behave that way. But I think with children, maybe those discussions are things that are good to happen ahead of time with parents or caregivers or siblings who can have those discussions.”