If Not for Grace

By Renae Kitchin Director of If not for Grace ministries

58 Sit still my daughter | Winter 2022 Melanie** looked up from the blue couch in our office with eyes so full of pain it broke our hearts. She had been abused and abandoned so many times in her life, she had lost count. Desperate for love and affection, she went from one risky relationship to another, hoping this time things would be different. When she found out she was pregnant she was excited at first. Cautiously she approached her partner with the news, secretly hoping he would embrace her, tell her he loved her, and they would be together and raise the baby. Unfortunately, she was met with hot, angry words of blame and accusation. With threats of harm, and nowhere to turn, she scheduled the abortion appointment.

The clinic was cold and business-like. No one seemed to really want to listen to her, and all ignored the tears streaming down her face. After a brief talk with the staff, she was given a tiny little cup with a pill to take. Then she was

handed a small brown bag to take home with more pills to finish the process. “You will feel slight cramping for a few hours. Maybe some light bleeding, but it will all be over soon.” she was told. Nothing could have prepared her for the horror of the next twelve hours. When it was all said and done, Melanie lay limp in her room, exhausted. At first, there was relief, but the wave of emotions she felt in the days and weeks ahead almost consumed her. Every time she saw yet another baby announcement on social media, or experienced overwhelming grief when walking by the baby aisle at the store, her heart and mind were pushed to dark places. No one seemed to care. No one would listen. She felt all alone.

This story and hundreds more have walked through our doors in the last nineteen years. Statistics tell us that one in four women will have an abortion in her lifetime. Time and time again we hear stories of desperation, regret and shame. In 2003 our founding Director, Lori Driggs, stepped out in faith to walk with women who were suffering after an abortion. Fueled by her own abortion experience and healing journey, she knew countless others needed help. Eventually, her efforts led her to officially start If Not For Grace Ministries in 2008. Since that time INFG has served hundreds of women, men, and families as they reach for a place of restoration and healing.

The current social climate has been volatile when addressing this issue. There is a divide deeper than the ocean separating both sides. Many find it uncomfortable and divisive even to address. Those who would say they are pro-choice are passionate about

women’s rights. Birthed out of years of frustrating injustice, imbalance, and abuse of power, this stance recognizes that women are left holding all the cards when pregnancy occurs. Our societal systems have time and time again failed to support women in general. Those who would say they are pro-life are passionate about the life of the unborn; they believe what it says in Psalm 139:13-14, For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. They hold fast to the belief that life begins at conception and that every life deserves the chance to grow into who God intended them to be.

The rhetoric from the world that has been swirling for many years, says “my body, my choice.” What we are experiencing as a ministry, is that women and men alike, are sorely uneducated as to what can and often does happen to them after making the abortion decision. When their experience does not align with the world’s narrative that life will be better and you will feel relieved, they are suddenly abandoned, called mentally ill, and ridiculed. It’s their body their

After an abortion, many will deal with Post Abortion Stress Syndrome. Presenting like PTSD, PASS can be devastating to someone’s life without recognition and help. Women and men who have participated in an abortion will often deal with these symptoms not realizing how they are tied to their abortions.

It is our hope that as we address some of these issues in our clients’ lives, they will begin to make the connection that many of these symptoms are tied to their abortion decision or, at very least, to the circumstances that led to their abortion decisions. We know that in every abortion story there are men involved and impacted. Some men were active in the decision, some were passive, and some never even knew a child was lost. In the last few years, we have seen an increase in men seeking healing and support. It has been an honor to watch many reconcile with their spouses, partners, and others. What this has proven to If Not For Grace Ministries was founded on Isaiah 61:1-3

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

With this Biblical Mandate, we have been commanded to have compassion and grace so we can serve those who are hurting without judgment and accusation. Our goal has always been to meet people where they are and bring truth and light to their darkness.

With the use of weekly support groups, INFG is able to walk intentionally through the healing process with those we serve. We work on the issues like anger, shame, denial and forgiveness. Often our clients have never heard someone else’s abortion story, and something powerful happens when they participate in the journey with others. We have seen clients deal with extreme isolation for years, having built up a wall of protection. They keep people at arm's length to protect their hearts and their secret. There is beauty in watching the community and connection that is birthed out of these groups. We have heard it described as a sisterhood…a sisterhood of healing and freedom.

We also offer our Reconciliation Weekends. This Friday night through Sunday morning retreat is open to all who have been impacted by abortion. Whether the mother, father, spouse, grandparent, sister, etc., this weekend can be an important and crucial

62 Sit still my daughter | Winter 2022 step in one’s healing process. This weekend is held in Missouri and culminates in a thoughtful and personal memorial service giving honor and dignity to those lost children.

Our Next Steps program has become a vital part of our ministry model. When people live in secrecy and shame, they are often isolated and lonely. They are often not plugged into a local church community or friend group. We seek to offer a safe place for them to build safe community connections, grow in their understanding of God and His Word and explore the gifts, talents, and purposes God has given them! It is beautiful to see God’s truth pierce hearts and see lives transformed!

Healing is complicated and can be a challenging process. In our years of ministry, we have been reminded time and time again of how complex and complicated the abortion issue is. It only takes hearing a few stories to understand the decision and the after-effects are never a one size fits all scenario. One of our biggest challenges is to help others within our Christian community engage with grace as they talk about this issue. Sometimes in our Christian bubbles, we forget we don’t always know someone’s story. With the abortion statistics so high, likely many in our close circle carry this secret. Our hope is that all who say they are Christ-followers would always speak with grace and compassion, that they would be safe places to share and would be an extension of Jesus’ hands and feet.

We are grateful for the opportunity to serve so many women and men. Women like Melanie who have had the chains of shame and depression lifted off their hearts and see their lives restored to a place of purpose and joy. Melanie now uses her story to share the hope of the gospel to those in her family, church, and community and she has seen God work miracles in their lives as they hear her story of transformation. She is now able to live, love and serve abundantly because of the freedom she has found. This is why we exist, to take what the enemy meant for evil and turn

If you or someone you know is struggling after an abortion experience. We encourage you to reach out. Whether to us or any other abortion healing resource. We want you to know that you are LOVED. We want you to know you can find forgiveness, freedom, and purpose through the healing process. We want you to know that God is with you, ready to welcome you with His loving arms. We want you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

For more information, to ask questions, or to learn how you can help visit www.infg.org or call 866-7217881. A few other helpful resources include www. optionline.org/after-abortion-support and www. supportafterabortion.com

**Name changed for confidentiality.

T H E M E A N I N G O F Christmas flowers

Hypericum Berries

The Hypericum comes in red, green, and white berries. But, these "berries" actually flower before producing berries.

The name “hypericum” is Greek for the two words hyper, meaning above, and eikon, meaning picture. The ancient world would traditionally hang plants over images, pictures, and windows.

Poinsettia

Poinsettia is synonymous with Christmas. These flowering beauties are available in the traditional red or white but are available in a variety of colors such as pink, candy cane (red and white stripes), and yellow.

Poinsettia, over the years, has come to symbolize the Star of Bethlehem due to its star shape, while the bright red color represents the blood of Jesus Christ.

Red Carnations

Maybe not the flower you would typically think of for Christmas. However, consider this: a red carnation symbolizes love, admiration, and friendship—so not a bad choice to add to your Christmas arrangements.

Amaryllis

Although a tropical flower, the Amaryllis makes a perfect Christmas flower because it blooms throughout November and December.

These flowers symbolize beauty and surprise. However, Victorians believed the flower symbolized pride and vanity.

Holly

The symbolism of the holly bush dates back to the ancient Druids. They believed the plant to be a symbol of everlasting life. Adding Holly to Christmas has become a symbol in the everlasting life through Jesus Christ.

I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprizing a basket of freshly picked green peas.

I paid for my potatoes, but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.

"Hello Barry, how are you today?"

"Hello, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Just admiring them peas. They sure look good." "Fine. Gittin' stronger all the time."

"Good. Anything I can help you with?"

"No, Sir. Just admirin' them peas." ''Would you like to take some home?" asked Mr. Miller.

"No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for them with."

"Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?"

"All I got's my prize marble here."

"Is that right? Let me see it" said Miller.

"Here 'tis. She's a dandy."

"I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is, this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?" the store owner asked.

"Not exactly but almost."

"Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way, let me look at that red marble", Mr. Miller told the boy.

"Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller." boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store."

I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man.

A short time later I moved to Colorado , but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.

old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there I learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them.

Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer what ever words of comfort we could.

Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts... all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket.

Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband's bartering for marbles.

With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.

"Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim 'traded' them."

"Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size... they came to pay their debt."

"We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world," she confided, "but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho".

With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shiny red marbles.