We are passionate e in Aging Well Experts

Question:

My parents keep asking us if my wife and I have found a church home in our new city. To be honest, neither my wife nor I want to go to church. We just don’t feel comfortable, but I feel somehow ashamed or nervous to explain it to my parents. I’m tempted to just lie because it’s comforting for them to think we attend church, but I also feel like I should be able to be honest with my parents at the age of 45.

Answer:

This is a wonderful, if difficult, question and an important topic for many families. Your parents likely believed raising you in a church home was fundamental to a healthy, stable upbringing. Most parents share their religious habits and beliefs with children as an expression of love. For many families, church and faith provide a strong foundation of support for the entire family. For your parents, they may want to know you still have this foundation and support even in adult life. It may be tough for them to understand that your experience with religion has changed. And it may be difficult for you to express these changing beliefs to your parents for several reasons.

First, you may not want to “rock the boat” and get into a challenging conversation. Second, you may not want to upset your parents, who will likely find your decision hard to understand. Third, the thought of answering questions about your choices may feel overwhelming or exhausting. Finally, you may have had negative experiences in church and discussing these may not feel appropriate or comfortable. There are so many reasons we shy away from talking about touchy subjects, religion topping the list.

However, a conversation sounds like it’s in order. Your parents have questions. Addressing the “elephant in the room” can ease a lot of underlying tension surrounding this subject. Here are a few tips for preparing for and having a hard conversation:

1. Talk in Person – most of our communication is actually non-verbal. It’s the way we stand, the tone of our voice, the tilt of our head and the expression in our eyes. Sitting with your parents enables both of you to hear what the other is saying beyond words and is helpful for connection. Though it may seem difficult to connect on this subject, one of the ways this happens is when we can see how the other person feels in their expressions and body language. Also, talking in person can be a sign of respect for many people. It signals that the conversation is important and valued.

No one likes to be in pain. In fact, I have spent the past 20+ years helping people get out of pain. The most common question I hear is “How can I get this pain to go away?” The answer to this is simple. We first need to know Why you are hurting. Then we can figure out how to stop the pain. So, why are you hurting? There are many different reasons for pain to occur in our bodies. Pain can be due to a problem in the Muscles, Joints, Tendons, Organs or Nerves. It can also be due to Medication, Psychological reasons, or Nutrition

2. Use Your Active Listening Skills – for any conversation, and especially for important ones, active listening skills go a long way in creating connection and avoiding misunderstanding. When your parents are expressing how they feel, listen. Try not to formulate a response in your head. Do not interrupt. Really lean in and listen. Listening isn’t a sign of agreement. But it is a sign of respectful engagement and caring, really caring, about what the other person has to say. Ask for the same listening in return, as well. Ask your parents to let you speak without interruption when you explain your own feelings.

3. Separate Your Relationship from the Subject – before speaking to your parents, do some internal work and reflect on the fact that your parents are people with different opinions and beliefs. Their views on religion affect your relationship but do not determine the entirety of that relationship. You can love and respect your parents (and they can love and respect you) while disagreeing about a topic, even a topic as important as church.

4. Agree to Disagree – the point of this conversation is not to change each other’s minds. Your parents may, after you’ve explained how you feel, disagree with your decision. That’s okay. They don’t have to agree, and you don’t have to agree with them. The point is to

Many health care professionals diagnose pain by Special Tests. During these tests, your practitioner will use their hands to push, pull and twist the areas that are causing you pain. These tests are very useful to find what structure is causing you pain. If you place stress on a structure and it increases your pain, it is likely that structure is contributing to your symptoms. Although helpful, many of these special tests are only 60-80% accurate. While this may look good at first, changing the way the question is framed will show that this also means they are 20-40% inaccurate. Misdiagnosis of pain can be very costly. At best it keeps you in pain longer, while in other cases it can allow symptoms to intensify. When you are dealing with pain, missing your favorite activities and sleepless nights… you want to be as accurate as possible!

The addition of Diagnostic Imaging in Physical Therapy has revolutionized the way pain is addressed. By utilizing Diagnostic Imaging, PT’s are now able to look inside you express how you feel honestly and respectfully. Avoid disappointment and further tension by letting go of expectations to agree. Perhaps the only agreement will be respectfully disagreeing. and diagnose your pain with over 98% accuracy. That means that we can find the real problem, or problems, and address them from the beginning. No more trial and error. No more “try this for a few months and if it doesn’t get any better we will try to get an MRI”. With the addition of Diagnostic imaging, your Physical Therapist can now say “From my evaluation it looks like you have a problem in ____. We are going to do a Diagnostic Ultrasound and confirm this and fully check your joint.”

In a matter of a few days, we can have your test performed, results given to you and a new, more comprehensive plan to improve your pain.

Diagnostic imaging in physical therapy includes:

1. Musculoskeletal Ultrasound (MSKUS)

5. Determine Success Ahead of Time – decide, before you begin the conversation, what success looks like for you. Will you feel better simply letting your parents know where you stand? Will you feel better asking your parents to table this topic after the conversation is over? Will the conversation be “successful” if you keep the conversation respectful and avoid yelling or arguing? What does success look like for you? And is this definition of success possible? If you want your parents to respect your opinion, and they can’t do that, will you feel you’ve failed? If you want your parents to agree with you, and they don’t, will that feel like failure? Think about this ahead of time and choose the realistic outcome you’d like to aim for.

At the end of the day, your parents’ concern and questions are likely a reflection of their love for you and your wife. They want what’s best for you, which they view from their perspective. Remind them they did a good job raising you to think on your own and make decisions for yourself. Part of growing up means getting to decide how you feel on topics such as this, and the love and respect you all share endures.

MSKUS is a safe, non-invasive, and painless diagnostic tool. It is used to diagnose structures such as tendons, muscles, bursas, ligaments, nerve entrapment/pinching and joint structure changes. Like a video, MSKUS captures real-time images of body structures and can assess a joint/area while it moves. This feature is especially useful as many times pain does not occur at rest, only with movement.

THE GRAY DIVORCE: The How and Why of Divorce After 50 GRAY

Researchers have found several key issues in this increasing trend. Economic independence is a big reason. For women in particular, financial independence has increased over the past 50+ years. At the turn of the 20th century, only 5% of women worked outside of the home; now, roughly 50% of women are employed outside of the home. There is a certain financial freedom linked with paid work (much of the work we all do is obviously unpaid, such as childcare, home maintenance, etc.). Women now have greater options for living independently, which affects marriages in many ways including the rate of divorce. Liz, a friend who recently divorced at the age of 57, says, “I realized I could make it on my own, that I’m good with money and can invest myself. Once I realized that, I wasn’t scared anymore.” Men, too, are finding themselves able to live well on one income. Paul says, “The kids are gone. I make enough to live alone and live well. My ex-wife also makes enough to live on her own, so we don’t feel guilty, like someone is going to starve or be homeless. We just realized we like living better alone than we do together, and we could do that.” With greater financial flexibility, couples are able to think about possibilities beyond mutual financial dependence. For some couples, divorce becomes an option when they realize they will manage financially on their own.

Another factor related to higher divorce rates is what we refer to as “empty nest syndrome.” This happens when, after years of raising children together, couples find the home empty as the last child has left the “nest.” Going off to college, getting married or finding a job and living alone are all reasons kids leave the family home and start a home of their own. When this happens, some couples struggle to connect and create a new life together, without the “glue” of the kids holding the relationship together. Couples may argue more often or find they have little in common once the house is quiet and there is time to reflect.

FOR COUPLES WHO MAY NOT HAVE HAD THE TIME OR RESOURCES TO DEVELOP HOBBIES TOGETHER, THE ABSENCE OF SHARED GOALS AND ACTIVITIES BECOMES A BIGGER ISSUE WHEN KIDS ARE NO LONGER THE PRIMARY FOCUS.

Some couples find themselves living parallel lives, each person tending to his own needs, as the relationship itself withers. The marriage itself was neglected during these childrearing and career-focused years, and for some couples, it’s too broken to repair. There may also be disagreements about what life should look like when the kids go off. What does “empty nest” life look like? For one person, it may be a time for travel and adventure. For another person, it might be a new career or moving to be closer to the grandkids. Tension mounts and disagreement about values and expectations begin to cause friction for many married couples during this life transition.

One way to avoid divorce because of empty nest syndrome is to communicate before issues become problems. Talk about what your expectations are of life after the kids leave.

LISTEN TO YOUR PARTNER’S IDEAS AND THOUGHTS WITHOUT RESPONDING OR ARGUING. SIMPLY LISTEN, EVEN IF THE IDEAS ARE DIFFERENT FROM YOURS, AND TRY TO SEE WHAT LIFE LOOKS LIKE FROM YOUR PARTNER’S POINT OF VIEW.

Be open, too, about your own expectations or goals. If you work together, you can build a life that meets both of your needs rather than parting ways after a period of silence and resentment has created too wide a gap to bridge.

Lack of intimacy is yet another reason for increased divorce rates in midlife. Many couples report intimacy issues in marriage, often increasing as the marriage increases in age. According to Marriage.com, the number one issues leading to lack of intimacy in marriage is stress. Whether it’s from finances or health issues or extended family, stress takes a toll on a couple’s ability to connect emotionally and physically. When stressed, couples may feel resentment from lack of intimacy, leading to greater disconnect and resentment. The cycle continues until, years after the kids have gone, there is little attachment left at all. Intimacy, physical and emotional, hold many relationships together, uniting couples and enabling them to express empathy, desire and trust. Without this intimacy, many partners feel lonely and disconnected. When one partner feels bids for intimacy go unheard or, worse, disregarded, it can lead to divorce.

If you want to increase intimacy, slowing down is a good first step. It’s difficult to connect with someone who is always busy without time for a meaningful conversation or even a hug. When we slow down, we can listen (instead of simply hear) and bond with our partner over simple, daily things like meals, going over the day’s events or talking about the kids. When we slow down, we have time for hobbies, for relaxing, for watching a show together or cooking a homemade meal.

WHILE THESE EVENTS MAY SEEM MUNDANE (AND A ROMANTIC CRUISE TO THE CARIBBEAN SOUNDS FAR MORE EXCITING), IT’S IN THE DAY-TO-DAY MOMENTS IN WHICH WE BUILD TRUE, LASTING CONNECTION.

This connection leads to intimacy; we can begin to get there when we pause, take a breath and ask our partner what they need to feel closer and more bonded in the relationship.

Licensed Clinical Social Work Associate Colleen Merkins suggests, “Be intentional about physical touch. Hold hands, hug, etc. several times a day. Physical touch is actually so important to human connection in general. I notice that disconnection happens when couples become too busy or preoccupied with life for physical touch.” Often, couples think of physical intimacy as far more sexual in nature, but the building blocks can be a hug, a pat on the shoulder, a head rub after a long day at work. These small gestures go a long way in helping your partner (and you) feel bonded and attached. This attachment is the foundation of connection, and connection is the foundation of a strong, healthy marriage.

Other reasons that lead to divorce at any age also play a role in the gray divorce. From infidelity to addiction to growing apart and falling out of love, couples divorce after 50 for many of the same reasons they divorce before 50. Marriage isn’t easy, and the idea that it’s easy if you can stick it out until the kids are off or retirement has kicked in is a myth many couples fall victim to. Empty nest syndrome can sneak up on any couple, even the ones who have cruises planned and have turned the last bedroom into a home gym. Intimacy issues creep up slowly in many marriages. Feelings of disconnection, loneliness and isolation can happen even when someone is sitting beside us. In fact, for many married couples, this is the most difficult form of loneliness to endure.

For anyone struggling in a marriage (or who has family struggling), it may be time to consider taking a step back and assessing what can be done to avoid a potential divorce. Counseling can be a great starting point. Discernment counseling is a type of marriage counseling that identifies where each partner truly sits in terms of committing to the marriage before beginning marriage counseling. Once counseling begins, divorce is taken entirely off the table for six months as the couple works intensely toward solutions to the issues they face. This is a helpful way for couples to explore problems without also defending themselves against possible separation. For couples who have decided on separation, it may be time to consider legal counsel as well as couple’s counseling to have the best possible outcome for everyone involved. Either way, the gray divorce is an aspect of midlife many will consider, and some will experience as a major life transition. Bill and Melinda Gates are proof that even the strongest teams struggle, and in the shifting social and economic landscape, the gray divorce is on the rise.

DIVORCE AFTER 50: LEGAL & FINANCIAL CONSIDERATIONS

A gray divorce comes with unique legal and financial issues. Here are some of the most common things to consider when facing a gray divorce:

• Retirement Benefits – the need for retirement benefits becomes more critical and pressing after the age of 50. There is less time to contribute to retirement accounts and recover from financial losses. A financial advisor and strong legal team can help navigate this issue, and it’s one to pay close attention to for both spouses.

• Healthcare – often, one spouse holds the healthcare benefits for both partners. How both spouses will obtain healthcare postdivorce is an important consideration in the division of assets and in anticipating monthly expenses moving forward.

• Estate Planning – many estate planning documents will need to be updated after a divorce. Partners will need to re-work their wills and identify new powers of attorney (medical and financial).

• Postnuptial Agreements – a postnuptial agreement is typically signed after a marriage has taken place, and it can be useful for couples who are considering divorce but still trying to save the marriage. By agreeing on the financial aspects of separation ahead of time, couples can take a highly volatile subject off the table and focus, ironically, on keeping the marriage together by working through other sticky issues.

Finding qualified legal counsel and financial professionals can make all the difference in working toward an amicable divorce or, in some cases, avoiding divorce altogether.

Be careful ordering medications through the mail as many of these programs are on autoship and end up costing you and the healthcare system more money due to wastage.”

Just like most decisions, there are pros and cons to cutting costs on prescription medication. Some options are better than others and finding the right fit will be an individual choice. Some people may not care about personal privacy, and GoodRx will be a great choice for cost savings. Others will save money through switching to generic alternatives or getting off medications entirely after a review with their physician. Rather than cutting out a necessary medication or taking it less often than prescribed, speak to your doctor about alternatives or costsaving programs.

The importance of heart health has long been promoted, but brain health is just as crucial for our ability to think, act and live well. Brain health is a critical piece of your overall health. Brain health is about reducing risk factors, keeping your mind active and getting the very best out of your brain as you get older.

The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention defines brain health as an ability to perform all the mental processes of cognition, including the ability to learn and judge, use language, and remember. It underlies your ability to communicate, make decisions, problem-solve and live a productive and useful life. Because the brain controls so much of daily function, it is arguably the single most valuable organ in the human body.

Mental decline is one of the most frightening aspects of aging, but it is not inevitable. By working to improve brain health you can help maintain your memory, understanding, communication and quality of life. Chronic conditions that affect our overall physical health – like diabetes, heart disease or high blood pressure, can affect our brain health. All these conditions can increase our risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease or certain forms of dementia, like vascular dementia.

Changes to your body and brain are normal as you age. However, there are some things you can do to help slow any decline in memory and lower your risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease or other dementias.

1. Exercise Regularly

2. Get plenty of sleep

3. Eat a Mediterranean diet

4. Stay mentally active

5. Remain socially involved

Could you use tips on keeping your brain healthy as you age? Would you like to learn about how you might get involved with brain health research?

If so, the NC Registry for Brain Health is a wonderful resource. The Registry links people who want information about ongoing research studies in North Carolina designed to improve brain health and lower the risk of Alzheimer’s disease and other conditions. The Registry connects people like you with information about:

• Studies of how lifestyle change (diet and exercise) may improve brain health and slow down disease in those who may already have a memory problem.

• Clinical trials examining medications that might work to improve memory functioning or slow memory decline.

• Studies of new technologies to help us better identify the early signs of disease.

When you join the Registry you will also receive regular updates including quarterly newsletters filled with brain health information, research discoveries, events and resources to help you and your loved ones.

Any North Carolinian over the age of 18, with or without a memory disorder, is welcome to join the Registry. To learn more and join, please visit: ncbrainhealth.org; you can also contact the registry staff at 919.613.8633 or NCBrainHealth@duke.edu

ACROSS

1. Gulf war missile

5. To sow again

10. Sylvester, to Tweety

13. French door part

14. Park place?

15. Female sheep

16. Impossible to avoid

18. “Dig in!”

19. Short novel