AFTER 50:

This is, in many ways, a comforting denial of the need for intimate connection. This is often done in response to a hurtful divorce or breakup. Still other clients, those who have lost a partner in death, deny any need for connection because it feels like a betrayal. They were married for 30+ years, and the idea of finding another person interesting, comforting or compelling feels wrong. They wish to remain true to their marriage vows even when their spouse has passed.

These responses are normal and part of the grieving process. We grieve the loss of not only a relationship but the dreams and expectations linked to that relationship. We don’t lose just the presence of another person but the dreams we created and dreamed together.

As time passes and we grow to accept our aloneness, we also begin exploring the idea of reaching out and finding companionship. This looks different for each person. Many of us will reach out for friendships, some old and some new. We will pick up an old sport or hobby and begin to socialize this way. We may join a bridge club or book club. We meet new friends and become reacquainted with past relationships. We meet for coffee and breakfast. We might travel together. We swap books and stories of the grandkids. We explore business ventures and finally get in that round of golf.

For others, a desire for a deeper, more intimate connection exists. We are looking for a romantic connection, which can be scary and exciting. A lot of questions, fears and hopes lurk in the background of the question: do I even want to start dating again?

We begin asking friends about their experiences, talk to our therapists about the pros and cons and, on a late Friday night after a glass of wine, log into an online dating site and quicky, very quickly, log off.

What are the fears, myths and realities of dating later in life? What can we expect? What should we look out for? What are the little lies we hear that cause us to cringe, step back and sign off (literally and figurately) altogether? And how, for those of us who choose to, do we move forward with dating when we’ve been out of this world for decades and the landscape has, inevitably, changed?

In considering dating, the first sticking point for many of us is the negative association with dating, particularly as we get older. Myths abound. Horror stories garner thousands (if not millions) of views online. Our friends make blanket statements about dating after a bad (or good) experience. Suddenly, the landscape looks bleak, and we can’t figure out why anyone would venture forth into such an unreliable prospect as meeting someone for coffee and attempting a life history in 5-minute chunks.

What are the myths keeping many of us glued to the sofa and heating up another cup of tea? The first myth is related to age, of course.

MYTH #1: OLDER MEN WANT YOUNGER WOMEN, AND OLDER WOMEN WANT EVEN OLDER MEN.

This myth has been around since the beginning of time: Older men want younger women and will leave their wives when they find a woman 20-years younger who can tolerate their work schedules and cook them a decent meal. Or, women (of any age) are seeking older, high-status men who can care for them financially.

I see clients each week who defy these myths. The men who speak with me about what they’re looking for in the women they’re dating report a desire to date women their own age or even a bit older. They’re looking for intellectual companionship and wish to date women who share their values and understand their life experiences. I have never worked with a male client who has been interested in dating a very young woman, and they never report finding younger women more attractive or alluring than women their own age. I believe this is a myth perpetuated by Hollywood and confirmed by occasional social proof: Uncle Marty is dating a girl in college with legs of a supermodel and the stamina of a gazelle. Does this occasionally happen? Yes. Is it the norm? No. It’s not.

In fact, according to evolutionary researchers, “…on average, males preferred a mate who was

TIPS FOR DATING IN THE 2020S…

1. Online dating isn’t the only game in town. Start a new hobby and meet someone naturally based on interests, values and lifestyle. These friendships and relationships often have a much longer staying power than relationships focused solely on romantic connection made during the traditional dating process. You can go online for hobby groups as well as attending in-person meet ups, volunteering or joining groups (like book clubs, church groups or athletic clubs).

2. Choose shorter dates in the beginning, giving yourself enough time to chat and get to know someone over several dates. This helps by allowing each of you to think between dates and really digest what you’re seeing, hearing and learning about the other person. A great first day is meeting for coffee or tea or going for a walk. Dinner, as a first date, can feel like a long endeavor if you’re disinterested or uncomfortable.

3. As a rule, avoid alcohol on the first few dates, which can cloud judgement and isn’t always safe. If ever there is a time to keep your wits about you, a first date is that time!

4. Play it safe by meeting at a public location, telling friends where you’ll be and not disclosing too many personal details before you get to know someone.

about two and a half years younger” (Delton et. al, 263). Interestingly, when it comes to evolution, men tend to be attracted to women who have high fertility. For younger men (teenagers), they are actually attracted to older women. Older men, those who seek to have children, may be attracted to younger women.

But for many men past the age of 50, the purpose of dating is not to begin a family but to find companionship. For this, men seek out partners who share their values and life goals and with whom they can connect.

In fact, researchers hypothesize that men seek partnerships in two distinct phases of life: the mating effort phase and the parenting/ grandparenting phase. In the mating effort phase, men are focused on procreation, and therefore may be looking for younger women. In the parenting and grandparenting phase, men are seeking mates with whom they can focus attention and resources on family life. According to researchers, “…these men are essentially looking for a long-term cooperative partner and not a reproductive mate, per se” (Delton, et al., pg. 264). What is clear in the research and in our personal experience is that how and why we date is complex and based on many variables, the least of which may be age.

On the flip side, women are thought to always be searching for an older (arguably wealthy) man.

Again, this is not what I see either professionally or personally.

Many women are independently financially secure, so seeking a rich, older man has become a cliché. It may have been relevant in a time when women had fewer financial options and less security, but today’s dating scene is very different.

In fact, according to one study, women who are married to men 10 years younger actually report being more satisfied with their relationship than women married to older men or men within the same age-range (Lehmiller, 2023). Women often date younger men, but mostly, women are looking for the same connection as are men: with people who share their values, interests and experiences.

These myths about both men and women keep many from opening up to the dating world and seeing it with excitement and hopefulness rather than cynicism. Are there men out there looking for young women? Sure. It happens. And there are women looking for an older man to keep them financially secure. But this is happening less often than the alternative, which is people looking for genuine companionship and connection. Letting go of these myths is a good first step in seeing potential partners as people rather than cliches.

MYTH #2: ROMANCE AND INTIMACY ARE DEAD AFTER 50.

Many people report that intimacy and romance are actually better after age 50 than before.

5. Know what you want before you head out into the dating world. Do you want a friendship? Do you want a dinner partner or someone to explore the outdoors with? Are you looking for a romantic spark or a friendship that may grow into something more? Be clear about your goals before dipping your toe into the water. You’ll be much more likely to know when you’ve got what you’re looking for if you have a clear idea what it is.

6. Know what you don’t want, as well. If you don’t want a romantic relationship, be clear with yourself about that. On the flip side, if you don’t want another friend, it’s good to identify that ahead of time. It’s easy to go down dead-end roads when we’re only thinking about what we want and haven’t considered what we don’t want. Both are important.

7. Do your best to be open to new relationships being different from what you’ve known in the past. You’re different now than you were a decade ago, so you’re likes and dislikes, your habits and your preferences have likely changed, too. This is a time to explore, which can be scary and uncomfortable at first but can also lead to a lot of personal growth and exciting discovery. Be open, honest (even with yourself) and safe.

SECURE DATING: Safety Tips Everyone Should Know

1. Do not give someone money (under any circumstances, no matter how sad or compelling the story). If someone asks for a loan or money for a plane ticket, think twice (and then think again!). Do not give money to anyone you don’t know well, especially not a stranger you’ve met online.

2. Do not provide personal information such as birthdates, phone numbers, social security number, etc. Use a Google Voice phone number, which is free and easy to set up and rings directly to your cell phone. This keeps people from searching for information using your phone number, which is a great way to find out key details about your personal history.

3. Be wary of love bombing – otherwise known as “coming on too strong” with attention, affection and gifts. When this happens too quickly, it’s often a sign of manipulation. If someone seems to be overthe-top with affection, be careful. Remember the old saying: gut feelings are guardian angels. Listen to your gut.

Numerous studies of older adults report that at least 25% of the 50+ population have regular and satisfying intimate relationships and plenty of romance.

This comes as a surprise for many of us who believe romance and intimacy are dead by the time the kids leave home. The TODAY show, for example, collected data from over 1,400 people for its “This is 50” survey and found that a third of people in their 50s are having regular (a few times a week or month) sex. Many reported having more satisfying intimate relationships after the age of 50 vs. in their younger years.

Several reasons for improved intimacy and greater romance after the age of 50 exist. First, many people say they simply have more time and energy to focus on romantic relationships. The kids are off and on their own, or at least they’re getting close to leaving the nest (and likely driving themselves to and from soccer practice). There is greater work/life balance in the later years, as people have established their careers and are less likely to work long hours trying to build a reputation or skillset. For many, the 50s and 60s are a time of financial and job security, and there is greater capacity for life outside the office.

Another reason intimacy can be better as we age is greater confidence and acceptance. As we age, we tend to accept what we can’t change and feel more confident about what we’re doing well. We have fewer inhibitions and more confidence that the right person will find us compelling. We don’t need to try so hard or create a façade. We tend to be more authentic and genuine because decades of life have taught us that trying to be who we’re not is exhausting and unsustainable.

There is a lot of comfort in the confidence we have simply being ourselves, flaws and all, and to trust that the people who love us at our best will also love our imperfections, too.

We have gotten over the need to be perfect at all, which leaves more room to explore, have fun and enjoy the journey.

Romance and intimacy are about connection. For people in the second 50 years of life, connection is based on authenticity, which is easier for many people the older we get. There is less pressure to be perfect. There is a certain maturity that comes after living through five or more decades of life. Enjoy the beauty of knowing yourself and sharing that with others, and allow room for romance to follow, butterflies and all.

MYTH #3: THE POINT OF DATING IS TO GET MARRIED.

This myth is as applicable to dating at 20 as it is to dating at 60. The belief that dating must lead to marriage puts pressure on just about anyone in the dating pool, no matter the age. Thanks, again, to Hollywood, we often link dating to marriage, and the more romantic the story, the quicker those two events happen. However, for many people dating later in life, marriage is not a focus at all. In fact, many people don’t wish to marry at all.

Many reasons exist for choosing not to marry, especially later in life. As divorce rates for people over the age of 50 continue to climb, many couples are hesitant to tie the knot. According to research in the Journal of Gerontology (2022), one in three divorces are among people 50 years and older.

With so many divorces later in life, many dating couples are happy to date or remain in committed, long-term relationships without marrying. In fact, many couples report that the absence of marriage is what keeps the relationship working. Rather than feeling “tied” to a partner, many older adults want the freedom to continue choosing a relationship each day. Other reasons people may want to date but not marry include financial considerations, the feelings of their adult children and a desire to “live apart but together.”

Living apart but together (LAT) means maintaining two households but remaining in a committed couple. For many couples, the autonomy and independence of LAT is a huge perk of dating after the age of building families and combining finances.

Dating can be whatever a person (or couple) wishes it to be. It can be a way to socialize and meet new people. It can be the pursuit of a committed, long-term relationship. It can lead to marriage. It does not, however, have to be onesize-fits-all. The fear that dating is opening the door (and running through it) for marriage is a myth easily overcome by open conversations based on clear desires and goals. If your interest is to meet people for morning coffee or a weekend movie, it’s perfectly fine to say that and explore it. If your goal is to find your forever love and live happily-ever-after in wedded bliss, that’s fine, too. The point and beauty of dating later in life is to make it personal to you, your needs and your desires.

Online Sites for Dating After 50

There are plenty of online dating sites, some better than others. Here is a list of the Top 5 Dating Sites from our research, singling out the safest and most reliable options.

Dating after 50 is, in many ways, different than dating in our twenties or thirties. We have different perspectives based on years of experiences. Our histories are longer. In some ways, we know ourselves better. We are more certain of what we’re looking for, what we wish to avoid and how we react to certain situations. We have more financial security and, often, more time for hobbies, travel, adventure and love. We are wiser and more confident. We are also often more hesitant, knowing what we know about relationships, time and the challenges inherent in sharing our lives with someone else.

In other ways, dating later in life is the same as it was decades earlier. We are seeking companionship and connection. We want to share our meals and sometimes our lives with another person. We want excitement and a little bit of intrigue. We want to wake up looking forward to dinner and a movie. We want to care about others and feel cared for in the same way. These desires don’t change no matter our age. The number of years we’ve lived may change our physical appearance, our financial status or the street number on the house, but it doesn’t change our need for closeness, connection and fun. Dating is one of the many ways to explore these human needs, and with a bit of caution and a dash of courage, it can be as much of an adventure at 65 as it was at 25.