Don't be Mean to Grandma

By Noreen Sibanda BA Psychology/MSc-Counselling Psychology

“...Grandma’s own needs have been overlooked, partly because she struggles to identify them. Her world has shrunk to the confines of child-friendly spaces, and she fears venturing outside in the unwelcoming and risky cold and snow... Often, she expresses her desire to return to her homeland but she’s repeatedly told that the baby is still too young...”

In a recent engagement with Black elders, respectfully referred to as “seniors,” I found myself contemplating the concept of elder abuse within our community. It became evident that the perception and experience of elder abuse among seniors in the Black community are nuanced. It's important to acknowledge that various forms of abuse, including physical, sexual, emotional, financial, and psychological, can and do occur within our Black community.

My aim is to shed light on a less-visible but equally insidious form of abuse that often goes unnoticed in our community. It has become a common practice to invite parents to migrate, and to live with us, especially when we're starting our own families. This intergenerational arrangement serves as a means to pass down traditions, values, language, and an opportunity for grandparents to forge deep bonds with their grandchildren.

Imagine a senior woman, who has spent her entire life in her homeland, arriving in Edmonton in mid-November, shortly after her daughter gives birth. She's filled with excitement, eager to finally experience the North America she has only heard about. Upon her arrival, she is greeted with the ‘royal treatment’ – thoughtful gifts and a brief orientation about her new life in this foreign land. The initial weeks are filled with joy as friends and family visit regularly, creating a warm and welcoming atmosphere. Grandma eagerly embraces her role in supporting the family and looks forward to her cherished Sundays at church.

Fast forward two years, and Grandma's physical health begins to decline, despite numerous visits to doctors with clear exam results. Her smiles become infrequent, and the joy of attending church on Sundays seems to have waned. Over these two years, fewer people visit, and Grandma finds herself constantly occupied with the baby, now a toddler. Grandma is on a cycle between taking care of the baby and managing household chores. Meanwhile, she remains in the dark about her daughter's schedule, never knowing when she'll return home.

Grandma's own needs have been overlooked, partly because she struggles to identify them. Her world has shrunk to the confines of child-friendly spaces, and she fears venturing outside in the unwelcoming and risky cold and snow. She remains unaware of the services available for seniors in the community and hasn't had the chance to connect with her peers. Often, she expresses her desire to return to her homeland but she's repeatedly told that the baby is still too young.

It's becoming increasingly evident that Grandma is no longer finding joy in her life in Edmonton. She feels trapped, obligated to continue providing childcare and managing household chores because her cultural background expects this from her. What began as a welcoming environment, filled with joy has inadvertently turned into one of hurt and isolation for this elder.

So, what can we do to ensure that the transmission of culture remains beneficial and fulfilling, rather than becoming abusive? Here are several ways to achieve this:

1. Recognize Their Humanity: it's crucial to remember that grandparents are humans before they are grandparents. They have their own friends, communities, and identities that they have left behind. We must acknowledge their individuality and listen to their needs.

2. Encourage Building New Connections: Helping and encouraging them to build new social networks and engage with other seniors in the community can be a vital step in reducing isolation and fostering a sense of belonging.

3. Provide Free Time: Recognize the importance of leisure, moments of respite and free time.

4. Address Cultural Taboos: It's essential to have safe, honest, open conversations about cultural taboos and expectations to help bridge the gap between tradition, and the evolving needs of our loved ones.

5. Offer Cultural Education: Consider offering cultural education programs that help grandparents adapt to the new environment while preserving their cultural heritage.

6. Seek Professional Help: If needed, don't hesitate to seek professional guidance, such as counseling or support groups, to navigate the challenges of cultural adaptation and family dynamics.

Incorporating these strategies can help ensure that the cultural transmission remains a mutually enriching experience, promoting intergenerational understanding and well-being for all family members involved.