LEFT OUT

Back to the Future

Republicans are pining for Russia and Ronald Reagan.

I love elections like our midterm showdowns last month. The predicted Red Wave turned out to be Pepto Bismol pink—kinda like if you accidentally washed your Klan robe and your MAGA hat together in hot water, and now you’re all set for the High Noon in Pinkerville Ball. Yeehaw!

I dunno about you, but this election once again reminded me why I do not trust polls. At all. Hell, to be honest, I am even highly suspicious of telephone and power poles. (Yes, I know you spell them differently, but that’s just to throw us off track.)

Look, I do not blame people like me who lie to pollsters. If some guy calls me in the middle of the damn day and wants to talk about who I am going to vote for, I always answer, “Whoever Trump tells me to vote for.” Don’t laugh— it’s worked so far! How do I know the caller is not sitting out in front of my house with his hunting rifle ready for some target practice on my front porch? I’m kinda leaning toward the theory that Republicans do “polls” to scare off people who ain’t carbon copies of my friend Dewayne over at the bowling alley.

Meanwhile, Newsweek magazine broke the news that the Russian parliament will consider requests from any US state wishing to secede from the Union and join Russia. Come to find out, Russian parliament deputy Alexander Tolmachev was responding to an online poll that showed many Americans want their states to break free from the rest of the nation.

“If Americans vote to secede and express a desire to join Russia, Moscow will consider it,” Tolmachev intoned.

I don’t think Comrade Tolmachev understands that whole Dixieland-yearning-tosecede crap. However, I would be delighted to take him up on his offer. But which state should go first?

I know there are those who think we should volunteer Texas, but we’re harder to move. A whole lot of floatation devices would be needed. And since we can’t even build a fence on the border, what makes us think we could dig a trench? You’d have to get Louisiana to scooch over and make room to pull Texas out of the mud. And then Oklahoma would have to quit sucking, and New Mexico would have to find another state to keep their tourist economy going.

Nah, it’s gotta be… Florida.

And lastly, most of you are familiar with Houston-area Republican Congressvarmint Dan Crenshaw. Back in October, Crenshaw spent $2,442 of his campaign funds to rent a 1980s Delorean Time Machine sports car (of Back to the Future fame) for his “Crenshaw Youth Summit” rally in downtown Houston. He told the kids gathered there that the Republican Party needs a time machine to take them back to Ronald Reagan’s golden era of 1980s small government and big tax cuts.

The problem is, today’s Republicans want to hop in that Delorean and crank the dial back a lot farther than the 1980s. How about the sublime days of Herbert Hoover? You know, before women had a say-so and LGBTQIA+ hadn’t been invented yet.

I think our best hope is that Dan will calculate his trip back in time with all the efficiency of a Trump vaccination rollout. A slight miscalculation could land him back in Pompeii on Volcano Day, or on the Titanic for its festive maiden voyage. I’m personally hoping he’ll end up fighting Grant at the Battle of Shiloh—now that would be a Back to the Future sequel I would pay good money for.

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.