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Long-live the new type of grandparent! Forget about the old-fashioned image of the grandma who wears her grey hair in a bun and the grandpa who smokes his pipe in a rocking chair on the porch. Today’s grandparents work or go to university, they travel, go to shows, paint, jog, ski, and are far from being ready to give up their active lifestyles. Old age and grand-parenting are no longer synonymous — on average, people these days become grandparents around the age of 50. This means that grandchildren can enjoy long-term relationships with their elders, who are often in excellent health. Indeed, because of the prevalence of reconstituted families, many grandchildren now find themselves the beneficiaries of more than one set of grandparents.
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But this multiplicity of grandmothers and grandfathers can raise the question of what kind of role they should play. It is always a good idea for grandparents to ask themselves what kind of grandpa or grandma they want to be. What values do they wish to transmit? How far can they go without being too intrusive or offending anyone? The whole family will benefit from frank discussions between children, parents, and grandparents. One thing is for certain: grand-parenting can be a truly enriching experience. It is often with the grandchildren that we can catch up on lost time with our own now-adult children. INTERGENERATIONAL HOMES When thinking about the practicalities of daily life with young children and aging parents, an intergenerational home, also called a bi-generational home, is a great option to consider. It is a model for living that allows the whole family to be close together while keeping a certain amount of privacy. It can make becoming homeowners easier for younger adults, and it allows adult children to have support with childcare and childrearing. Conversely, sharing a home provides aging parents an alternative to isolation. It can also provide them the kind of support that would let them to stay out of a seniors’ home for longer. Building an intergenerational home or renovating an existing house is a challenge that must take into account privacy requirements and financial resources. The legal aspects of this type of project are also of vital importance and should not be overlooked. Above all, parents and grandparents must not let emotions override the need to keep things legally clear regarding home ownership and financial responsibility. While the idea of an intergenerational house is very attractive, everything should be put in writing in order to avoid any unfortunate disagreements. There is another essential step to take if you’re ready to embark on an intergenerational home project: check your municipality’s regulations about renovations or apartments within homes. These regulations can vary from one town to another, so it is essential to carry out a complete enquiry before putting any plans into operation. In some municipalities, for example, the dimensions of the supplementary living space will be limited to a precise percentage of the main living area, or perhaps a communal kitchen will be required. Living in an intergenerational home has many advantages, but in order to make sure the project is nothing but a success, be sure to plan things out fully, down to the very last detail.
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Telling the kids that you’re splitting up Announcing a separation or divorce is surely one of the hardest conversations a parent will ever have with a child. Telling your child that Mom and Dad will no longer be living together will be a life-changing moment for him or her, one that will likely shake their sense of security and well-being. Above all, you want to minimize the hurt and fear that the news could entail. At the same time, it is important to realize that avoiding the conversation could leave your child in confusion and uncertainty about what is going on in their family. Telling children about a divorce or a separation is never easy, and that is why it is so important to keep your explanation simple and honest. Here are five points to keep in mind: 1. Plan together how to announce your separation to the children. Ideally, both of you should be present for the conversation with them. It isn’t necessary to go into all the details that led to the rupture, but give them enough information so that they don’t feel responsible. This is a time for both parents to set aside their unresolved tensions and to be compassionate in front of their children. 2. It is absolutely essential to make them understand that they have nothing to do with your decision, that they are not to blame in any way. State clearly that this is a problem between adults and they could have done nothing to prevent it from happening. Don’t string them along with hope for a reconciliation. 3. Continue to show them through your words, actions, and listening that this separation will never change the love you feel for them. Reassure them: explain to them that you will always look after them and that they will continue to spend time with Mom as well as with Dad.
4. Encourage them to express their feelings. Listen to them, be patient, but don’t make them talk if they don’t feel like it at that point in time. 5. Be ready to answer any questions concerning their new way of life. LIVING WITH A RECONSTITUTED FAMILY Does your new spouse have children from a previous union? Are you introducing your own children to a new step-mom or -dad? Coping with this situation is not always easy, especially when you have the distinct impression that the children resent it. So, what is the best way to handle such fragile dynamics? A bit of empathy is a good place to start. Children can resist the arrival of a new partner in the life of their father or mother because they perceive the new person as an intruder who is destroying any chances of Mom and Dad getting back together. After all, while you and your new partner have made a choice to be together, the children have probably had little say in the matter. When seen that way, it’s not surprising that they’re not putting on a grand welcome. Take your time and let ties build slowly between children and a new step-parent. That means not imposing your authority on the other’s children, and leaving them the space they need in order to adapt. It also means not trying to buy their affection with gifts or unrealistic promises. Children need honesty in order to feel secure, and they will appreciate your integrity. Naturally, there will be conflicts, but don’t forget that they are children and that you are the adult. When a problem arises, remember that respectful communication is your best asset.
Telling children about a divorce or a separation is never easy.
What if every child was sent on the right path? What if every child stayed in school? Got a job? Gave back to the community? What could that start? It could be the start of something Big. When you enroll your child in Big Brothers Big Sisters, you help set them down a better path to a brighter future.
For info on enrolling your child or becoming a mentor, call 507-414-0308, visit www.bbbsofsouthernmn.org, or email robyn.goldy@bbbsofsouthernmn.org.
©2013 Family First is published by the Owatonna People’s Press 135 W. Pearl, Owatonna, MN 55060 and printed by Cannon Valley Printing, Northfield, MN. No portion of the advertising or editorial content of Family First may be reproduced without permission of the publisher. Publisher - Ron Ensley Advertising Director - Debbie Ensley Media Consultants - Danielle Schmitz, Betty Frost, Deb Theisen Graphics and Design - Taylor Huber, Paul Ristau, Kelly Kubista Cover Design - Taylor Huber
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How many times a week does your entire family eat together? Not the five minutes it takes to polish off a bowl of cereal in the morning, but really sitting down together around the table. You are doing well if dinnertime in your home means everyone getting together most evenings over a tasty, home-cooked meal! Unfortunately, such family meals are rapidly becoming the exception, even if there is plenty of evidence that doing so is beneficial on many levels.
Perhaps the best way to manage to sit down all together for at least one meal a day is to plan the week’s menus in advance. Doing so might not be effort-free, but it is a challenge well worth the trouble of taking up. It can improve family relationships, foster self-esteem, and set everybody up for good health.
According to the experts, family meals are usually healthier and more balanced than those eaten in solitude or on the go. The chances are, a family menu includes more fruits, vegetables, and dairy products, while a solo “heat and eat” dinner is more likely to include the saturated fats and salts commonly found in prepared, processed foods. In family homes where the television is switched off, the body mass index of children is lower. Studies show that there is a correlation between children and teenagers eating meals with the family and better academic results and a lower dropout rate. Drug and alcohol usage and depression also seem to diminish among children who eat regularly with their families. That makes sense; after all, taking the time to share a meal, discussing the events of the day, and strengthening family ties is a great and relatively simple way to create a climate of wellbeing and balance in a child’s life.
In your home, does dinnertime mean sitting down together over a balanced meal? Experts say it is a family habit with many advantages.
A family budget is a must Would you be able to give an accurate answer if you were asked what your total monthly income and expenses were? If not, you would probably benefit from keeping closer tabs on your household finances. By staying on top of what’s coming in and what’s going out you can be better prepared for a rainy day. It can also help you tuck money away for dream purchases and be more effective in reducing your debts. By creating a monthly budget, you can keep better track of where your money is going and then decide where you would like it to be going.
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non-essentials — such as restaurants, movies, alcohol, lottery tickets, and the like. This exercise will allow you to see exactly where your money is going and where you will have to cut back in order to save for emergencies or for long-term dreams. If you think you need help with that, you could always consult a financial advisor. In no time at all, you will see that you and your family can keep a tighter rein on your money and actually control where it goes.
To draw up a list of your income and your expenses you need a piece of paper, a pen, monthly bills going back a few payment cycles, and a bit of uninterrupted time. Draw a line down the middle of the paper and list your sources of income on one side and your expenses on the other. Income is the easiest section to complete: write down all the money you receive in a month, including any salary, tips, government allowances, and child support payments. The expenses section can be a bit more difficult. First of all, note all your fixed expenses, meaning all those that recur every month: rent or mortgage, electricity, telephone, cable TV, house and car insurance, child support payments, and any regular school fees. Next, list the other expenses that vary from month to month, such as groceries, car repairs, gas, clothing, and dental care. Lastly, list all discretionary expenses — the
Controlling your finances can help you realize your dreams or say goodbye to your debts.
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Multiple births, multiple challenges
Do you get along well with your in-laws? According to experts, difficulty with the in-laws is one of the top three causes of conflict between spouses, along with childrearing and family finances.
Expecting twins or triplets can be very exciting for new parents. But having “multiples” entails some challenges that must be prepared for well in advance of the births. During the pregnancy is the best time to start organizing help and support from family and friends. Looking after several children of the same age is a huge challenge, and it will certainly feel like you’re on a roller-coaster ride for a while. With a bit of organization, however, you’ll be able to enjoy all the beautiful moments the babies will bring you.
We can’t choose our parents, and in a way we can’t choose our in-laws either. But that isn’t necessarily a bad thing; in many families, the mother- and father-in-law, the uncles, aunts, and all the rest of the clan become acquaintances and often even friends. However, for some couples, the in-laws are a source of annoyance or worse. These difficult relationships can cause a great deal of tension between spouses, leading to a bumpy and uncertain future. You or your spouse might not be imagining the problem: some parents-in-law really do go heavy on the criticism or stick their noses where they don’t belong. Alternately, sometimes a spouse can be overly territorial or jealous of filial love. In the case of “interfering” parents, it is important that spouses protect themselves and stick together if a family member demonstrates such behaviour. And it is equally important that each spouse not denigrate his or her partner in front of parents or in-laws, especially when the relationship may be adversarial. Rather than getting involved in an argument, a couple should set their boundaries and draw up some clear cut rules so the situation doesn’t deteriorate. A polite discussion between adults, where negative comments and displays of anger are avoided, can often solve the problem. Building a family life based on love and harmony is possible, as long as the couple considers their union a priority in the midst of such conflict.
batch of frozen home-cooked meals every week while the babies are young. - Organize a timetable that allows you to get some sleep. It will surely evolve as you get to know your babies’ habits, but it will help you plan some basic rest and support. If you’re breastfeeding, a breast pump will become your most valuable asset, as it lets Dad, family members, or friends take over for a while.
- A multiple pregnancy and birth can provoke some strange reactions. Family and friends might hover closely, wanting to be at your service, but this could become overwhelming. Don’t hesitate to express your need for space and rest when it’s necessary. - Before the due date, schedule some extra help for the first few weeks after the babies are born. Take down the names of all those who are available, and pencil them in for assistance in feeding, bathing, and comforting your twins or multiples. - Prepare as many freeze-and-reheat dishes as you can before the births. They will come in very handy! If your freezer is already full, suggest to family and friends that instead of offering baby-shower gifts, you would really appreciate a
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How can I keep my children healthy?
Make some time for yourself Do you have the impression that all you do is rush around from morning ‘till night trying to meet the demands of work and family? If you feel overwhelmed by all your responsibilities, perhaps it’s time to take a break. The first thing to consider is whether it’s your work that’s encroaching on your family life or the other way around. Or is it both? Being solely or mostly responsible for all the housework, doing the grocery shopping, planning and preparing meals, helping with homework, putting out the garbage, driving the children to school and to extracurricular activities, making yourself available every time a child or a spouse needs you — plus bringing work home: only a superhero could do all that without feeling deeply stressed. Not setting limits may be at the heart of the problem, and if so, the good news is that you can do something about that.
every night. You can let your family know that you will be completely available to them between 7:00 and 8:00 p.m., but before and after that you will be focusing on household tasks. Setting limits also means making time for yourself, time to pursue an interest or get some exercise. If you don’t look after yourself your health will most likely begin to suffer, and you certainly won’t be able to create a satisfactory family/work balance if you’re sick. Remember that for your health’s sake, you are entitled to some well-deserved breaks. Sit down and leaf through a magazine, take a 10-minute walk, make yourself a cup of hot drink, take a bath — even if you have to schedule it in your agenda!
Setting limits is the key to reconciling work with family life. You can decide to leave your files at work except for weekends or to spend no more than an hour dealing with them at home, in the evening. You can decide to be in bed by 10:00 p.m. Bringing work home, being responsible for the cleaning, grocery shopping, meals, homework, and all the rest: it’s a combination that would make anyone feel overwhelmed.
The Child and Teen Checkups Program! • All children and teens on Medical Assistance, Minnesota Care, Blue Plus and South Country, from birth through age 20, are eligible. • Regular health checkups can prevent or manage health problems in their earliest stages. • Well-child screenings are available at medical clinics in Steele County. • Health checkups include exams, vision, hearing, shots and more. Any questions you have about child development can be answered. • Dental exams are available from providers in the area.
Steele County Public Health Nursing Service Child & Teen Checkups Program For help with transportation, interpreters or making an appointment call
Jane or Karen at 507-444-7650. 6
Is your family ready for a pet? Before you completely give up your heart to the cuddly little ball of fur in front of you, take a few minutes to think over the pet ownership question carefully. Having a cat, dog, hamster, or even a parrot or fish is a commitment that you will have to stick to every day, for years to come. Is your family ready to take on all the responsibilities that keeping a pet entails? If your children are planning to be involved, discuss the sharing of pet-related chores ahead of time. Be prepared to take on the commitment if others shirk theirs, otherwise the animal will suffer. It might not be reasonable to expect kids to follow through without encouragement or reminders, so don’t be surprised to find yourself asking who wants to take the dog for a walk or who is going to feed the cat or clean the aquarium. While both children and pets are young, it will also be necessary to be vigilant about handling the animal: a loving cuddle can be a life-threatening squeeze for a kitten or a hamster! Despite the caveats, acquiring a pet has many advantages, as long as you choose the right animal. That means choosing one that all the family will like, one that suits your lifestyle and will have every chance of being happy in your home. Every animal has different needs, needs that you will be responsible for meeting in order to ensure its well-being. So, before making a decision, do some research and talk with family members about their expectations. Find out all you can about the animal
you wish to adopt and the ways its presence will affect the daily routines of your family. For children, the presence of a pet can be a source of real pleasure and a good way to learn to be gentle, patient, and respectful. However, children’s safety should never be neglected: close parental supervision is necessary so that both child and animal can experience a positive relationship.
Owning a pet has many advantages, as long as you choose an animal that the whole family will enjoy having.
Child and teen checkups Jane Nyquist, Steele County Public Health Our children are our most precious gifts. They are growing and developing very rapidly. The best gift we can give them is good health! Do your children get regular “Well Child” exams by a healthcare provider? Healthcare providers see a huge drop in “Well Child” exams in children after the age of 5, especially prominent in the teenage years. This can be prevented! Most of us do a great job when our children are small, but it’s easy to forget about making a routine clinic appointment when they aren’t complaining of an earache! We all want our children to stay healthy and do well in school. Early identification of potentially challenging conditions results in diagnosis and treatment of specific medical conditions and encourages the development of good health habits early on. Regular “Well Child” exams accomplish all of these goals! Children should get “well child” exams between birth and 1 month, and at 2, 4, 6, 9, 12, 15, and 18 months. They should also be seen at 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 years and every two years after that. These exams should include a complete physical exam, including height and weight, hearing and vision checks, a developmental assessment, information on healthy behaviors, nutrition, and injury prevention, lab tests - including lead tests for toddlers at 12 and 24 months, immunizations, and referrals to other health professionals when appropriate.
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The appointment should also be a place where parents can ask questions about their child’s health and development. Parents of teens might have questions about alcohol, tobacco and other drug use. Sometimes teens are more willing to discuss these issues with a health care provider than with a parent. Regular dental exams are also important for children and teens. They should occur within six months after the first tooth erupts or no later than age one. Dental visits should then be done every six months or more often if you have concerns or your dentist recommends it. Preventative dentistry for children has many benefits according to the Academy of Pediatric Dentistry (AAPD). Oral problems can inhibit eating and keep youngsters from getting proper nutrition. They can also interfere with speech. The AAPD warns that kids with painful dental problems like cavities may be unable to concentrate properly in school. They are at risk for low self-esteem if crooked or damaged teeth are visible. Early dental care can prevent or minimize these negative effects. Regular dental care also potentially saves money because uncorrected dental issues often cost more to fix later in life. Not everyone has insurance that covers regular health or dental exams. A Child & Teen Checkup (C&TC) is a FREE preventative “Well Child” exam at YOUR
clinic, by YOUR health care provider. C&TC is a comprehensive child health care program offered to children from birth through age 20 who are enrolled in Minnesota Care, South Country Health Alliance (SCHA) and Medical Assistance. Exams follow the well child schedule mentioned above. Dental exams at no cost are also a benefit. Steele County Public Health keeps a current list of regional dental providers who accept Minnesota state insurance plans. Child and Teen Checkups meet the health requirements for Head Start, WIC (Women, Infants & Children nutrition program), school, sports, or daycare. Be sure to bring any forms you need completed to the clinic appointment. Call Steele County Public Health at 507-444-7650 if you need help finding a dentist, an interpreter, transportation, or with other questions about the Child and Teen Checkups program. We wish you and your family good health!
A single mom starting a family?
Discovering that one’s child has a disability or a serious illness can come as a terrible shock for parents. It means that all the dreams they had previously imagined for their family will no longer be valid. When a diagnosis comes in, the lives of all involved are forever changed in ways no one could have planned for. On learning the diagnosis, and for years after, parents might experience deep sadness, denial, anger, and guilt as they try as hard as they can to adapt to the situation. They might feel conflicting feelings toward their child, veering between helplessness and compassion and resentment. Daily life, filled with worries and challenges, can be so hard to bear that some couples are unable to rely on each other for support, and their relationship suffers or falls apart. And, if everything wasn’t already complicated enough, the often embarrassed or intrusive looks of others reminds parents loud and clear that their child is different. The great gift in all this is the discovery and acceptance of the fact that these children are complete human beings with strengths, interests, qualities, as well as faults. They have favourite games, they might love to laugh and be silly, and they can have their own unique talents and ways to touch the hearts of those around them. This is what family and friends must discover. Above and beyond the prognosis, these children must be allowed to spread their wings as wide as they are able to. Like any child, they want to blossom and surpass themselves, and they want to be loved and accepted for who they are, the way they are.
As we’ve seen in the changing social tendencies over the last 30 years, women today typically delay starting a family until their careers are established. The ominous sound of the ticking biological clock gets loud eventually, though, and so more and more women are deciding to have children even if they do not have a life partner. Unthinkable just a few years ago, this is now a route taken by many single women who prefer to experience motherhood alone rather than not at all. Fertility clinics, sperm banks, and surrogates are some of the many resources that they can now consider.
Wanting children is one thing, but raising them is quite another matter. Raising a child alone requires good financial standing, as surviving on just one salary is not easy these days. Will some important things have to be sacrificed so the child won’t be deprived? Will the child be able to have positive male role models, quality childcare, or a comfortable home to live in? Women who are lucky enough to have a good job and strong family relationships will not have to spend a lot of time with these questions. For others, however, the financial aspect must be assessed realistically before taking any other steps.
Even more than money, women preparing to become single moms must be sure they will have lots of support. Do they have access to help from family, friends, or help groups? Who will be there to break their isolation and help them out when they need it most? It’s essential that a single mom be able to count on an effective network to help her in her daily life. A sick child, a time of stress, and childcare all take plenty of organization and support. Luckily, a single woman can now start a family all on her own, but before taking the leap the whole experience must be considered very seriously. With the right kind of support and adequate financial resources, having a child can truly be a dream that will last a lifetime.
With lots of solid support and financial stability, single women can now start a family all by themselves.
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Sibling rivalry
When to intervene? Arguments between brothers and sisters are inevitable. Children disagreeing over a toy or because one has more juice than the other is an everyday occurrence that can certainly leave parents feeling stressed. The good news is that these types of arguments are harmless and normal. If the arguments get out of hand and deteriorate into physical confrontations, however, limits need to be set. Whatever the source of the conflict may be, your children have to understand that injuring one another is out of bounds. It is imperative that every child feel safe in his or her own home. When a quarrel degenerates into a fight, separate the children, put a stop to whatever was happening, and explain why you’re doing it. When regular squabbles break out, try not to automatically interfere with a judgment: children can learn to settle their disagreements by themselves. It is especially important to not take sides if you don’t know how it all started. That doesn’t mean you should ignore the situation; rather, avoid becoming the referee every time. Teach them to express their feelings and help them name their needs, such as for fairness, safety, cooperation, creativity, or independence. Help them articulate what they are really fighting about, for example: “I’m angry because you don’t want to let me hold the remote. I want to have my fair turn”. Show them how to listen to each other, to negotiate, and to find satisfactory compromises together.
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Modern dads do it their way Fatherhood has sure changed in the last 40 years or so. Not too long ago, dads were pretty much limited to the role of provider and breadwinner, taking care of the physical needs of their families. Nowadays, at least in the western world, fatherhood entails a much more active role in the daily life of the home and family members.
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The modern dad changes diapers, bottle-feeds the baby, and takes his turn cooking supper and washing the toilet. He is more actively involved in childrearing without being merely the disciplinarian of the house. It’s nice to think that this new role isn’t an imposition, but rather a choice: dads now elect to have more of a presence in the lives of their children. And a fully present dad does make a difference: several recent studies have shown that the involvement of the father or father-figure positively affects a child’s development. Among other things, a healthy father-child relationship can facilitate a more rapid adaptation to the outside world and a greater ability to confront the unknown. Young children who have a father-figure who plays with them and teases them gently can socialize more easily with other children. Despite all this, many young fathers are afraid to get involved because they’re not sure how or simply because they are not given the chance by their parenting partner. Moms need to understand that being a competent father doesn’t mean doing things the same way as a mother. Being a dad is different but just as important!
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Remember that children learn by example, and that they are watching and listening when you are having a disagreement with your spouse or another adult. Try to practice what you preach!
When a squabble breaks out, try not to automatically intervene with a judgement every time: children can learn to express themselves non-violently and settle their disagreements by themselves.
Several recent studies have shown that the close involvement of a father-figure has positive effects on a child’s development.