Poem from COVID Bed Dr Adam Barnett

Poem from COVID Bed

Dr Adam Barnett

(New College, 2007) Anaesthetist, Whipps Cross and Lister Hospitals, London. Medical adviser HALO Trust. He’s just finished his first novel

Adam is an anaesthetist at Whipps Cross University Hospital and The Lister Hospital, Chelsea, and a medical adviser for the HALO Trust. He’s just finished his first novel. He lives in London with his wife, son and an expanding menagerie of animals.

I’ve read of you. Hid from you. Fought you through masks and nitrile skin and a hundred varieties of imported waterproof gown. Chinese, European. One which smelt of cigarettes that I think was Turkish.

I’ve stood at the foots of beds listening to the hiss-puff of the bellows inflating and deflating ravaged lungs. I’ve called mothers, sons, daughters. I’ve called neighbours who only knew you slightly because there was no-one else. I’ve said things like “much the same” and “No news is often good news” and “Of course she remains critically unwell. Something could happen at any time.”

I’ve held hands through sweat and plastic and bullied people into lying on their fronts hour after hour. “You really don’t want to end up on ICU” “If you can avoid intubation, do it.”

And I’ve said “This could all have been avoided if he’d’ve been vaccinated. Tell everyone you know.” Sometimes they believed me. Sometimes they didn’t.

Sometimes I felt rage. Mostly I felt nothing. I just showed up. It was boring, mostly. It soon became boring. Inconvenient. Just a job. A sweaty, thirsty job.

Once I burst out crying for no reason. The wall of hearts along the river at St Thomas’s - I cannot go there often. I cannot not go there. I used to swear at that fat headed fop on TV. Tell me honestly, are any of you surprised? About the parties? Never forget that bullshit about testing your eyes. Vote them out. The lot of them. In memory of those dead. Of their dithering, their incompetence and their lies.

But that is all a dream now. A story for my son. About the times he was born in . A story he will never understand. A story I will never understand.

It is over. Or, I thought it was. Nearly over. But now, in a small, darkened room, not even my own. Two lines - one bold, one barely there. But that one makes all the difference.

Here you are at last. I thought you would come. That time a bung fell out of my mask and left a hole I only found as day broke and I peeled off my gown. After how many intubations? Eight? How many had I done with this hole? How many invisible blooms had I sucked into my warm, moist lungs?

I waited for you then. But you never came. And slowly I came to believe you never would.

But now, in a stranger’s house. You’re here. Inside me. Co-opting my machinery to stamp out copy after copy of the strands that shook the world.

But I am ready. Oh yes, I am ready for you. I have taught my soldiers well. They know your face. And in my molten blood, they bud and bud until they are legion. And send great gouts of antibodies swarming, thick as starlings. To stick to you. To mark you out.

For the cells that boil like bees to defend the hive. For I am hive. Thirty seven trillions strong. Strong. Strong. And soon, sweat breaks like dawn, and I know we are winning. We are winning.

“But now, in a stranger’s house. You’re here. Inside me.

Co-opting my machinery to stamp out copy after copy of the strands that shook the world.