On the Morality of Gastronomic Theriocide

Photo courtesy of Scientific American.

AN INTERVIEW WITH LOÏC TYRAN

Photo courtesy of Food Network.

Acclaimed as the founder and Chef de Cuisine at Le Dératiseur— where or two decades, he worked tirelessly to redefine French cuisine over and over again, Loïc Tyran is perhaps the most important chef in France (and by extension, the entire world). Now, the infamously reclusive 65-year-old is the subject of much debate and criticism after a report revealing the practice of animal brutality in the Le Dératiseur kitchen was published in the Sunday Times. I reached out to Tyran in hopes of getting his testimony and opinion on the controversy, and he agreed to sit down with me for an exclusive interview. Due to his reputation as one of the world’s best and cruelest chefs, my stomach was swathed with butterflies as I sat in the Le Dératiseur dining room awaiting Tyran’s arrival; however, when he (accessorized in a towering toque) entered the room and sat down across from me, my nerves calmed— as I could feel I was no longer the only one present with insects crawling around their innards.

(The following is a direct transcription of our conversation)

Langston: Hello, it’s so nice to finally meet in person.

Tyran: Indeed it is. Do you like my restaurant?

Langston: Well, I haven’t had the privilege of dining here yet, but I like the ambiance very much. I feel as though we are right in the center of the gardens at Versailles.

Tyran: That is intentional, of course. I wanted to channel the beauty and spirit of the French garden into my restaurant design and menu. Considering the abundance of topiaries, I think I was successful.

Langston: Your three stars are a good indication of success too.

Tyran: Yes, but who's counting?

Langston: How have these last few days since the Sunday Times report been for you?

Tyran: I will not lie, very upsetting.

Langston: How so?

Tyran: As an animal lover, it’s hard to be accused of animal brutality.

Langston: You think you’re an animal lover? I did not get that impression from the Sunday Times.

Tyran: Of course not. That report in the Times was utterly ludicrous. Every good chef (and I mean real chef, who cooks animals in addition to plants) is an animal lover. If you don’t love the animal, the food won’t be delicious. I have always made delicious food, thus I have always been an animal lover.

Langston: I see. Could you go into more detail on the absurdity of the Times report?

Tyran: I’ll start by saying that the phrase “animal brutality” is rather inappropriate in regard to my practices.

Langston: And what practices are those?

Tyran: I am the premiere French chef, which means I make the best escargot. That means I season my snails better than any other. What is the secret? Season them while they’re alive, and add the salt last to finish them off.

Langston: To clarify, you don’t kill your escargot the conventional way— by submerging them in boiling water? You salt them?

Tyran: Yes, and is that really any crueler than the boiling water? I don’t think so. Besides, the product is divine. I am widely considered to make the most beautifully fresh and flavored snails in the world.

Langston: I want to focus on the freshness of your escargot, as I think that might clarify why the salting is found to be crueler than the boiling water. On many occasions, there have been reports of your snails being too fresh, am I right?

Tyran: Is there such a thing?

Langston: I am referring to snails slinking off your plates and onto guests, served alive.

Tyran: That’s not too fresh. The tastiest escargots slide themselves down into your stomach. Delicious and easy to eat!

At this point, I had visibly blanched, which Tyran then interpreted to mean interest in further explanation of the similar practices he employs in his establishment. It seemed now that instead of butterflies, an escargatoire of very fresh snails was slipping around in my intestines. The longer I looked into the increasingly animalistic eyes of this lauded culinary star, the more I understood how deeply his faith and identity as a devout Buddhist plays into his delectable dishes and cutting-edge concoctions.

Langston: You’ve been very vocal about your discovery of Buddhism and the way that your life has been influenced by the concept of respecting life and animals. How does that translate into your cooking with creatures such as live snails?

Tyran: Well my beliefs inform so much of how I approach cooking. I only pick the freshest, most lively animals for my dishes. As I was taught in my time at L'Union Bouddhiste de France, life as we know it is nothing more than a temporary timeline in the grander cycle of life between all organisms. By choosing the animals in their prime, or even some of the precocious young snails and cows, I am giving them the head start they need to continue onto their new, better incarnations.

Langston: I’m not sure I entirely understand. Are you not just cutting these animals’ lives shorter? What does L'Union Bouddhiste de France say about killing and what some would consider, torture?

Tyran: Is life itself not torture? Every day, there is something new to be disappointed about. The new season of Eurovision that only lets Swedish nuns win. The smell of the metro, and by extension the stench of human piss. Boring interviews. By the Buddha, woman! I am suffering right now! What makes a little invigorating pain right before sweet release so bad? In fact, I am sure that I am helping France’s declining birth rate. All my snails are sure to have comported themselves well, and thus they shall become the next generation of French vitality.

Langston: Ah, right. Well, um, speaking of French vitality-- many have commended you for the recent reanimation of the nouveau and experimental cooking scene, escargot and all… What does it mean to you to be on the forefront of French cuisine and have such an impact on modern French culture?

Tyran: It’s always good to be a forward thinker. I’d rather advance the new ways we consume animals than participate in whatever France thinks is the society of the future. Consuming live animals is just one of the ways in which we can challenge the antiquated ideas of “brutality” and “cruelty.” This kind of revolution is much preferable to whatever the socialists are up to these days… universal healthcare and all that filth.

Langston: Lovely. So safe to say that we will be looking forward to more animal abuse in our meals at Le Dératiseur?

Tyran: Clearly. I love the idea of expanding to mammals. We often have the notion that killing mammals, because of their warm bloodedness and furry little skins, is more evil. But if you argue for a cat’s life, why not the ant you have just ground to bits with your heel? I’m currently in the process of recipe testing a traditional flamiche with cardamom, sultanas, and sumac for a twist, served in the body cavity of a calf that was salted and dried live. Of course, the eggs will be ripped from live chickens as to preserve their integrity.

I’ll leave the readers with that scrumptious thought, and the news that since the time of this interview, Le Dératiseur has officially put “réunion des animaux de ferme” on its menu for the general public to enjoy. Cruel or not, Loïc Tyran continues to amaze France with his innovative cooking and unapologetic public persona. If the Sunday Times is looking to send Tyran running, tail tucked, they’ll have to expose more than live escargot. And while some have raised concerns as to his kitchen’s “servitude sous contrat” policy for workers, it is in my personal opinion that focusing efforts on swaying the public opinion with creatures of the less human type will be more effective and efficient.

BY: LISA LANGSTON