You Can’t Pour from an Empty Cup

As human beings, we all have basic needs that need to be met. They’re different for all of us, but if our needs aren’t being satisfied, we end up feeling tired, unhappy and unfulfilled.

In today’s society, the importance of self-care is rising. We generally understand that if we are stressed out, overworked or exhausted, we don’t perform well; yet we still struggle to take note of it and look after ourselves. In a way, it’s almost as if burning yourself out is praised because you’re working so hard and showing so much dedication, even though deep down it’s not doing us any good.

This emphasis on self-care is important for everyone, including parents and even our children. Whether you have one child or four, the daily routine can be an exhausting one. You may have next to no time for yourself, the children are constantly wanting your attention and you’re often left wondering if you’re doing a good job at all. You might find yourself feeling as if you’re hanging on by a thread.

Sandi Phoenix is the co-founder of Phoenix Support. Having studied psychology, worked in early education and being a mum herself, her framework The Phoenix Cups has revolutionised the way parents and educators think about behaviours and needs.

“Phoenix Cups represent your basic human life needs,” Sandi explains. “The cups are mastery, freedom, safety, fun, and connection. We all have those five cups, and when they are full, we have a strong sense of wellbeing. However, when the cups are emptying or empty, it impacts quite severely on our sense of wellbeing and self-esteem.”

Having studied psychology for years, Sandi stumbled upon the theory of filling cups. “All we do is behave, we’re just a string of behaviours. Every single behaviour we choose at any point in time, is a behaviour we’re choosing to meet one of those needs,” she said. “The Phoenix Cups profile looks at the size of people’s cups. I have a big mastery cup, whereas I have a child with a really big freedom cup, and our behaviours are driven by that.”

Once you start to understand your basic life needs, you’ll begin to understand the meanings of your behaviours (and that of your children, too). For instance, a child who wants your attention constantly is often labelled as attention-seeking – when in reality, they may just have a bigger connection cup that needs to be filled. It’s the same for adults, and we can catch ourselves choosing behaviours to desperately fill up whichever cup is empty. By having fuller cups yourself, you’ll have more to give your children.

Sandi’s one piece of advice is to fill your own cups first, before trying to fill that of your child. “It is really, really important to know your own needs first, from your biggest cup right through to your smallest cup. Know which ones are full and which ones are empty,” she explains. “Your big cup is always going to be your big cup, but sometimes it’s going to be full, and sometimes it’s going to be empty. It’s important to think of all of your cups, because even if your smallest cup is empty, it’s really going to disrupt your wellbeing.”

Self-Care Tips To Fill Your Cup

So, how do you go about refilling your cups? Taking care of your needs is important not only for your happiness, but your general wellbeing. Self-care is a fantastic way to start; here are a few ways to up your self-care routine.

Recognise which cups need filling – Everyone has different needs. You may be craving the need for physical connection, which may mean more quality time with your partner. If you want to have more fun, you may want to organise an exciting outing. Alternatively, your work schedule may make you feel restricted, so a quick escape may help refill your freedom cup. Think of what makes you feel fulfilled, and chase that feeling.

The basic components – Remember that the basic components of self-care are to eat a healthy diet, get seven to eight hours of sleep each night (easier said than done) and exercise regularly. These things take time, and you probably won’t become a self-care pro straightaway.

Meditate – Don’t underestimate the power of mindfulness! Even a quick five-minute escape to close your eyes, breathe, and clear your head can make a huge difference. A guided meditation app such as Calm or Headspace can help you get started if you’re finding it difficult.

Get out and about – Schedule in a hike with a friend, visit the park and feed the ducks or simply take a walk around the block. Take a moment to appreciate the fresh air and listen to the birds chirping.

Dance – Music has been proven to have a positive effect on the mood. Put on your favourite album when you’re getting ready for the day, or hop in the bath at night and turn on some soothing classical music.

Have fun – Whether it be going out for coffee with friends or scheduling some time for yourself to read that new book, schedule in some time to just enjoy yourself.

If you’d like to learn more about the Phoenix Cups, listen to episode 56 of The PakMag Parents Podcast. Take the free quiz on www.phoenixcups.com.au to find out what size your cups are, what you can do to keep them filled and consequently, keep you feeling happy and fulfilled.

The Phoenix Cups: A Cup Filling Story

By Sandi & Christopher Phoenix

The Phoenix Cups: A Cup Filling Story is a theoretical framework delivered through an endearing tale to help increase your overall wellbeing. Delve deeper into the Phoenix Cups and discover a life-altering experience that will change your perspective of yourself and the people around you.

Keep an eye on the PakMag Cairns Facebook page for your chance to win a copy of The Phoenix Cups: A Cup Filling Story and a copy of the Educators Tool Kit for Behaviour Workbook.