Satire

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Satire Editors: Sascha LO & Rory Cronin For more, visit www.palatinate.org.uk/category/satire

Thursday 13th October 2022 | PALATINATE

Satire

Professor-student affairs are declining

Kieran Molloy

The student population is devastated as a time-honoured Durham tradition is at risk of disappearing completely. The professor-student affair has been a staple of Durham life since the 1800s, pre-dating many of the colleges and even the marketplace Tesco. As of 2022, the number of affairs has reached a record low. Palatinate sources have uncovered that it is a concentrated effort by the University. The University has gone on record to say: “While we do treasure those traditions that make Durham a special place, some traditions are simply meant to be le in the past. Maybe students can embrace other, more wholesome, Durham traditions like spiking.” Some people believe that this decision has been spurred by the hot, anarchist philosophy professor’s wife going away to her parents’ for a week.

The elimination of professorstudent affairs has sparked debate amongst the student body. An anonymous second year said that “I think it’s good that it’s being phased out. How am I supposed to compete with someone that has a PhD?” Alternatively, a finalist stated that “I think it’s really unfair that it’s going. It’s been a stable of my, and many others, experience here. It’s really helped my academic career.”

Many teaching staff at the University have expressed scepticism towards scrapping the affairs. An anonymous

It pushes the elitist narrative that only educated people from certain backgrounds can get raw-dogged in a faculty office at 3am by someone old enough to be their father

lecturer that recently celebrated his wife’s 50th birthday said that it was an “outrage” and that “it defeats the point of being an academic.” Another said that “it would seriously impact the number of students attending my lectures as well as seriously impacting my performance… at my job, obviously.” Finally, a senior academic said that “many of my colleagues, here and at other institutions, wouldn’t be where they are today without it” and that it “enables students who aren’t traditionally gi ed to get ahead of her, I mean, their peers.” There are even reports that some departments, mainly in the humanities and social sciences, are considering strike action over the decision.

The Students’ Union has issued support for scrapping the tradition. A representative said that “It promotes a colonial, patriarchal and anti-queer worldview,” and that “it pushes the elitist narrative that only educated people from certain backgrounds can get rawdogged in a faculty office at 3am by someone old enough to be their father.” The representative finished his statement by saying that “If the tradition wants to stay, then [Lecturer name redacted] should accept my Facebook friend request.”

It's impossible to say if the phasing out of professorstudent affairs will result in other Durham traditions disappearing. Rumours are that the annual Elitism Ball is also at risk of being phased out.

Molly Mihell

College family incest: Honey, I sharked the kids

Caleb Tutt

The start of the new academic year heralds new opportunities for relationships. Whether you are a fresher who has just recently gotten over your unorthodoxly attractive frep or a returner with a new, albeit seedy, lust for university life, the city is your oyster. But this new beginning can be permeated by a moral quandary like no other, in the form of college family incest.

At the end of the day it’s a socially constructed label, so why does it feel like it should come with a jail sentence and nationwide register? It appears appropriate that things as messy and informal as college marriages should lead to the Freudian trainwrecks that college family incest facilitates. The cringey initial reach-out to college children is steeped in awkwardness that any other meet-up would fail to muster. The mundane conversation starters of where they are from and what course they are studying are dusted off and wheeled out in a variety of perfunctory college bars. The whole thing is bad enough as is without the somewhat harrowing realisation that you also happen to fancy your college children.

So what is worse? A walk of shame from a single bed in college back up to the viaduct where you belong, or the feeling that you would be more at home at the kink society than as a college parent. Both seem to conjure up feelings of self-resentment. I argue that this shame is not the result of whatever misadventure occurs within the college family, but rather the notion of a college family itself. Why beat yourself up about liking your college child when they may also happen to be older than you in age?

Admittedly, this isn’t the most fashionable argument to make. I’m not coming out to bat for the most prolific of Durham sharks here, but humdrum Durham problems relegate college family incest to the lower shelves of student concerns. With clubs now breathalysing people like some Orwellian nightmare, with woodgates now priced at five whole pounds, and with Rod Liddle planning on making his return to the proverbial crime scene, we all have bigger fish to fry. It’s the last days of Rome, so shag whoever you want, even if they do happen to be your college parent. I really couldn’t care less.

A note from... The Collingwood rugby player who went to Cuth’s FemSoc

Orla Cowan

Like finding sushi in the reduced aisle, or the death of a monarch, it was a red-letter day for Cuth’s FemSoc. The Collingwood rugby captain had, unbeknownst to him, got himself muddled and stumbled into St Cuthbert’s Feminist Society’s biggest night out; a Bailey bar crawl (with a side of dense second-wave feminist literature, but mainly shots).

In Chad’s bar, FemSoc Pres eyed up her new co-feminist, trying very hard to think feminist thoughts while examining the enormous biceps before her. “So,” she began, “tell me Ted, what’s your take on today’s topic, we are talking sex workers, hookers and prostitu…”

He was greeted by twenty claw-clipped fem-soc heads

He interrupted, only hearing the middle word, and began, “I mean hookers are essential. Hookers have to be the most reliable people in the game.”

Ted sensed something was wrong. He was greeted with twenty, swivelling claw-clipped femsoc heads. Built like a tank but with the common sense of a small spoon, the penny finally dropped for Ted as he realised he had mistaken a debate about prostitution for his favourite position out on the field.

He le urgently, vowing to invest in a better dictionary and spend more time in the Billy B. Heartened by the experience, this very same rugby player was found the next Wednesday in another college bar, hoping to attend ‘Women without Borders’.

Which member of a society exec are you?

Which society are you a part of? A. Champagne society B. Your college's football team C. DUCFS D. Tone Deaf Theatre Company What subject do you study? A. Economics B. Physics C. Ancient History D. English

Where do you study? A. TLC because that's where all your lectures are B. Your college's library because there's free biscuits C. Billy B, Level 4 D. The SU What is your love life like? A. Your partner (of 4 months but you're

Instagram official) is a fourth year who plays lacrosse. B. You’re in the background of your friend’s

Instagram post where they’re smiling and you’re getting off with someone in Babylon (absolute banter). C. No time for a love life, although you are snapchatting your childhood crush from home. D. You shag everyone in your friendship group IF YOU GOT: • Mostly As: You are a treasurer! You are the organised one on the exec.

Always on the move with several spring weeks lined up. • Mostly Bs: You are a social sec!

You're here for a good time and a 2:1 in your degree. Keep snogging in Jimmy's. • Mostly Cs: You are a vice president!

Nearly there, keep your eyes on the prize honey. If you keep this up, you'll be top dog next year and people will finally respect you. • Mostly Ds: You are a president! You are ambitious but also have the least work on the exec. You got where you are today due to your hard work and good looks.

Where are you from? A. 'North londonish' B. Surrey (the real answer to A) C. Devon D. Edinburgh