Satire

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Satire Editors: Sascha LO & Rory Cronin For more, visit www.palatinate.org.uk/category/satire

Thursday 12th January 2023 | PALATINATE

Palatinate Satire

Durham boat parties: set sail or set fail?

Thomas Page

The chief of Durham Police has reportedly requested naval support to assist their efforts to contain the chaos ensuing at the psychedelic raves onboard the Prince Bishop. This is not the first time that the vessel, currently holding a monopoly on the UnhingedStudent-Boat-Party industry in Durham, has come to blows with law enforcement. Officers were called to the boat earlier this year to investigate reports of hostages being tortured however, on further investigation, it was the Taylor Swi society and ‘victims’ were allegedly free to leave at any point. Controversy has most recently courted the boat following a Champagne night party whose launch was prohibited due to the risk of sinking - it was thought to have been caused by the weight of “an excessive amount of signet rings brought on board by attendees”. Tensions, however, were diffused when one member of the Champagne Society remembered that his father owned a much larger boat, and the event was hosted on that instead. from both student bands and DJs and, according to the legends, is organised by a mysterious wizard from Bristol. Although initially intended to be a peaceful party, the boat was quickly set on a course into troubled waters.

Events are believed to have gotten out of hand when one attendee declared the centre of the Wear as ‘International Waters’ and stated that “no laws apply” whilst not ‘technically on land’. The UK Government disputes this claim and asserts dominion over the entire Tyne and Wear river network. Durham Constabulary, which currently chronically lacks a marine unit, saw officers watch helplessly from the river banks as the boat descended into a state of anarchy.

One eyewitness enjoying the psychedelic rave, who asked to remain anonymous,

Reports of hostages being tortured however, on further investigation, it was the Taylor Swift society

The commotion last week occurred during Fractal's 10th event in Durham. The psychedelic music event boasts live performances reported seeing blue flashing lights coming through the leaves of the trees, which split into fractal patterns before coming together to form a personification of his negative thoughts which he was able to overcome using “the power of love”. Police deny either side using such force.

Inside sources revealed that the request was denied by the admiralty, who cited “logistical issues involving the manoeuvring of a Type 45 destroyer through the arches of the Old Elvet bridge” as the main reason for this decision.

It is not clear if the unrest led to a mutiny onboard or whether the captain and crew were compliant in the chaos. Our sources believe the constabulary is currently formulating a plan with the SAS to drop officers onto the boat from above to restore order to the river.

Library floors: a finalist's guide

Caleb Tutt

The Bill Bryson library, or “Billy B” if you’re insufferable; either you go there with your MacBook and superiority complex in hand or, you avoid going at all costs. Some prefer their so called “desk” provided by their so-called “landlords” of their “houses”. For those in the latter camp who find themselves behind on nearly two months of work, despite the new term, I will try my best to explain this complex building of social convention and self-righteous laptop tappers.

Levels 1 and 2 hold little interest. Some comfy-looking armchairs are situated at the east end of level 1 but many Durham students like their elevated social statuses to be reflected in their preferred library seats. For anything beyond PCs and NPCs, you’ll have to go upstairs. A small step for man, one giant leap for chat-kind.

Level 3 is where things get interesting. Polling well amongst second years and freshers who confoundingly give a toss about their grades, this floor resultantly has some youthful character. My first visit to level 3 was in the latter half of my second year. Very little work gets done there largely due to the fact that the group tables allow space for an entire friendship group (even the friends you not-so secretly hate!). More emblematic of school-age private study than university scholasticism, this means level 3 is the perfect place for feigning productivity and procrastinating in a formal setting. The floor is full of library crushes, Geoguessr grandmasters, and those who leave every 30 minutes for either a coffee or a cigarette. Good company and good times.

Just don't bother

Level 4 has no such luxury. Students on this level leave every 30 minutes for a cigarette and a sob, for this floor has been annexed by third years and finalists. In terms of atmosphere I’d liken it to Joseph Conrad’s The Heart of Darkness or perhaps the Black Hole of Calcutta on a good day. My experience of level 3 was of cramming short online exams in beautiful summer weather surrounded by friends. My level 4 experience has been somewhat different, beginning in October and lasting until whenever I have the guts to finish my dissertation (so probably never). Occasionally a disorientated looking second year appears to wonder up to level 4. They’re met with either death stares or pitiful looks as if to say, “make the most of that blissful happiness”. The floor is epitomised best the last lyrics of Eagles’ Hotel California; “You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave”.

My advice to those debating a trip to the “Billy B” would be similar to my advice on Durham’s nightlife. If boring places and posh people aren’t for you, just don’t bother.

What level of the Billy B should you study on?

1) What food or drink do you get from the cafe?

A. Tea in a mug you brought from home, using the cafe’s hot water tap and free semi-skimmed

B. Lentil crisps and a rocky road

C. The tex-mex toastie

D. A surprisingly well priced smoothie 3) What outfit do you wear to the library?

A. Flares, a sweatshirt and a skinny scarf/ beanie

B. Patterned shirt, light wash denim, backpack (both straps)

C. Corduroy, doc martens and attitude

D. Sweats

2) What subject do you study?

A. History/Economics/Music/Law

B. Maths/Chemistry/Physics/

Criminology/ Social Sciences

C. Geography/Philosophy/Anthropology/

Biology

D. English/Psychology/Languages/PPE If you got mostly ... you are...

A. Level 4: you are a no nonsense second year, who takes their studies seriously and has their eyes on the prize, JCR president of John Snow College followed by a second tier consultancy firm.

B. Level 1: you’re a little troll who likes to study in dank dark basements with moving bookshelves filled with dust and the sounds of people making out in the archive section. Have a shower and go to level 2.

C. Level 2: you have diarrhoea and so need to be in close proximity to the disabled loos.

D. Level 3: You aren’t here to study. This is your one social outing of the day. You spent 2 hours choosing the perfect nonchalant outfit to greet all of your library crushes.

4)What grade do you typically get in summatives?

A. 68

B. 62

C. 74

D. 69

A message from: your college Men’s Rugby Club Captain on the University's “new and improved” floodlit rules

Caleb Tu

We have been bestowed with a few commandments for us to heed when watching our brave li le soldiers out on the field this term. Whilst occupying a position somewhere between Oliver Cromwell and the Unabomber, we’d be wise to listen. Failure to comply means withdrawal from the Floodlit, and I speak for all of us when I say I’d rather go to a lecture than see that happen.

Crowd Stewards. They insist that I need to provide two sacrificial lambs with li le or no training to police around 100 or so drunk spectators. Don’t worry though, you’ll be given a hi-vis to wield authority. Your job will be to singlehandedly tell a large crowd of people to stop being abusive, mean, or anyway verging on the naughty - encouragement is tolerated. Cleaning the mess after the match is also expected of volunteers.

No alcohol. As opposed to some tipsy indiscretion next to the rubber crumb with a tin of Guinness, they would prefer it if you were to get hammered on Ace cider and stumble down the thin cliff edge above the A177 beforehand. This is evidently much safer. If any alcohol is found on your person, you may be asked to return home up said dark and dangerous chasm alone with any offending alcohol- this route, not being University property, has no restriction on alcohol, so drink away!

No offensive chanting.

Durham University is more than comfortable when your sexism, homophobia, and general classbased bigotry is done in your college or extortionately overpriced private domicile, but god forbid it should happen where the public, or worse journalists and wealthy university investors, can see it. They advise you to save it for socials or the South College Christmas Ball as is University etique e. Swearing is also banned so we plan to speak solely in French to avoid detection from the security.

Miscellaneous: no public urination, no throwing of objects, no gambling, no arson. This means we will have to disband the role of public urination secretary. This role will be replaced with four welfare officers.