Satire

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Satire Editors: Sascha LO & Rory Cronin For more, visit www.palatinate.org.uk/category/satire

Wednesday 28th September 2022 | PALATINATE

Palatinate Satire

Rishi the smallish dishi

Joe Gellman

UK politics is no stranger to scandal and deceit. Yet, Palatinate has uncovered arguably the most shocking deception by a political figure in recent years; Rishi Sunak is only 5 foot 6.

Since he burst into politics, becoming Chancellor of the Exchequer shortly before the Covid-19 pandemic began, Sunak has generally been perceived as a man of great stature. However, the start of lockdown so soon a er he became relevant meant no one was able to meet the man in person. The nation was duped by photos and videos where he either stood alone or next to stooped pensioners, exaggerating the size of the short king. The fact that everyone’s mum slowly developed a subtle crush on him further contributed to these fabrications.

Upon further investigation, we discovered that delusions around dishy Rishi's height go back as far as his Oxford days. Initially Sunak had no interest in politics. Despite this, he was repeatedly heard roaming around his college shouting “don’t tread on me!”, the famous libertarian slogan. Resultantly, he was swi ly adopted by the free market wing of the Conservative Party before becoming more of a moderate as the years went on. Sunak, however, was not intentionally spreading libertarian propaganda; his shouts were merely concerns about his wellbeing, since he was out of the eyeline of many of his taller peers and genuinely feared being trodden on. To avoid drawing attention to his miniature frame, Sunak went along with it and entered politics out of embarrassment.

Getting personal: your personal statement

Caleb Tutt

Durham is preparing itself for the fresh slew of newly-old Harrovians. A successful Freedom of Information request has landed Palatinate unique access to their personal statements, and, in the spirit of noblesse oblige, I have opted to share with the masses some of the most efficient personal statement points to weasel yourself a place into our university. These achievements, from the first day of prep school, to the last hazy days of their upper sixth, have landed the incoming freshers safely on their airforce-clad feet.

An easy place to start is always referencing work experience with a local MP, senior law partner, or any high-ranking job your godparent occupies. Academia is important, so flood the page with your standard qualifications and exam boards like Pre-U and CIE to show your calibre. Be sure to pontificate in a long and ornate manner about a book you haven’t properly read. Remember, big and impressive words warrant big and impressive offers. You essentially want to be writing in verse.

Most Durham applications, academia laden, are sent off early around September time (does one smell Oxbridge?). Remember that inclusions of “super-curricular” activities are like proverbial opium of the ‘powers’ at the applications board. School trips work well, especially if they are beyond Britain or Northern France. Proficiency in a musical instrument also counts although try to make it above grade 7 as not to look embarrassingly amateurish. Executive positions are brilliant and are so o en accessible from your dayto-day school sports clubs like shooting, skiing, or Eton fives.

Charitable efforts show a great public-mindedness, like Mother Theresa with a Lacrosse stick . Durham loves this. Examples like bravely volunteering at the local state schools or a charity trip to Kenya have proven themselves successful. For the latter, bonus points come with photographic evidence of some disadvantaged child in front of a shoddily built brick “community hub” you ‘helped’ build.

Charity examples from last year’s freshers include vintage clothes sales in Fulham and work at the Reigate couscous kitchen; all for the greater good.

"It is hard not to feel sorry for Sunak who is only able to fall back on his net worth of over £700 million"

We approached Sunak to tell him that we had finally learnt the truth. Still gloomy from his loss to Liz Truss in the Conservative leadership election, he begged us not to break the news, claiming that the “woke mob” would use it against him. We asked Mr. Sunak if the woke mob was in the room with us at that moment, to which he declined to comment.

Like many men of small stature, Sunak sought to overcompensate elsewhere. He did this via attempting to become the most powerful person in the United Kingdom. Unfortunately, this plan was foiled by a woman who is merely 5 foot 3. Such a defeat was nearly as embarrassing as being the same height as Napoleon. It is hard not to feel sorry for Sunak who is only able to fall back on his net worth of over £700 million. To be fair, the fall is not particularly far as he is rather close to the ground.

We approached Mr. Sunak a second time, apologised for our prying, and instead told him that we would be writing a fair and balanced article about the highs and lows of his tumultuous political career, with a focus on recent events and how he brought down Boris Johnson leading to most of the Conservative Party turning on him. Sunak begged us to write this article instead.

What type of fresher are you?

You introduce yourself by... A. Notifying everyone that you took a gap year B. Telling the group to refer to you by your last name C. Asking if anyone has a filter D. Notifying the group of what subject you study and asking whether this was everyone's first choice of college What will you wear on your first day? A. Your favourite alpaca jumper from Peru B. Straight leg jeans, hoodie, chain, bosh C. A long skirt and doc martens D. A pair of flares and a Durham University jumper How do you decorate your uni room? A. Hang a tapestry of a mandela you bought for £20 B. Put up one pulp fiction poster and put navy sheets on your single bed C. Cover all surfaces with pictures of you and your nonuni friends D. LED lights, fake vines and a bottle of tequila rose What societies do you want to join? A. Art society and Durham Student Film B. Rugby, fottball and lacrosse (but only if it's mixed) C. None, just do the occasional 'Rotate' post D. Palatinate and nab a role in the JCR IF YOU GOT: • Mostly As: You took a gap year! Unfortunately, half the uni also did that so they could reapply to Oxbridge. But keep that sense of adventure alive and channel it into your social sciences degree. • Mostly Bs: You are a legend! You will get into your college's

Rugby B team and get lucky every Wednesday at Babylon. • Mostly Cs: You're not like the other freshers. You're a mystery who goes to Fractal and 'does drugs'. Stay sick and so sorry about Jean-Luc Godard's passing. • Mostly Ds: You're a keen bean! You're enroute to being the next college president and getting a high 2:1 in first year!

Whilst freshers is about having fun, make sure to keep your eyes on the prize.

(Rosie Bromiley)

A note from... An editor - Rory Cronin

As a seriously sympathetic second year, I naturally feel the deep urge to welcome our dear Fresh with a short introduction to our most important institution, the Billy B (does anyone remember what this stands for?). It's a place where some of us go to chat and third years go to work. You, as the youngest, might go purposely to check your emails or discuss how much work you’ve got and I’ll go to double check that I’ve looked in every crevice of the Zara sale. Either way we will cross paths so here’s a few tips.

The library is open almost 24/7. So, when you get to the point where that summative is a ma er of life, death and Jimmy’s there will be a place for you here. You can write that essay using your notes beautifully etched onto notelets from Jack Edward’s stationary collection, surrounded by older years who will look at you quizzically and welcome you to your first 3AM ‘session’. Of course, there are books by the hundreds here but ignore such affectations, none of us actually know why they insist on taking up space with them. There is a café that serves demonic Red Bull esque coffee and tables where group presentations don’t get done. And most importantly, there are four floors of the library of which you, fresh, are solely obliged to remain on the uppermost one, ‘level four’. Oh, and do remember the snacks. Have a great year!