Satire

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Satire Editors: Sascha LO & Rory Cronin For more, visit www.palatinate.org.uk/category/satire

Thursday 27th October 2022 | PALATINATE

Satire

Durham Students VS. The Cost of Living Crisis

Sascha LO

Electricity bills are at a record high, inflation is at 9% and entry to Klute now costs £17. Durham students are being faced with a cost of living crisis so severe that they can no longer afford their weekly shop of Boursin and salmon fillets. As a result, many students have been forced to ask their parents for an increase of their £500 a month allowance. This required them to make their first call home of the term and listen to their mum talk about the family cockapoo for twenty minutes. A worthy sacrifice.

However, students (whose parents do not work in consulting) have been tasked with trying to find part time jobs. Worryingly, it has since been discovered that being head stylist for a college fashion show is not a paid position. Furthermore, despite unionising, the only reimbursement for fashion show models is still only in a banging instagram post and ‘clout’.

Many students have been forced to ask their parents for an increase of their £500 monthly allowance

As a result, many have begun to search within the hospitality sector. Yet similar roadblocks have emerged when it was revealed that being social sec of DU Rugby C team is not a legitimate profession. Even those following more traditional routes have failed to personally profit from being treasurer of the Consultancy Society.

Those who have discovered that their society-based jobs do not, in fact, pay (or offer any linear career progression) have been forced to cut costs. For example, some remarkable students have decided that, instead of spending money on drinks and club tickets, they will drink a half pint of sourz at home and then go to Jimmy’s. In addition, many have decided to cut down to only one ball a term (to Caledonian Society’s great dismay).

The most shocking money-saving technique in Durham was witnessed by a second year from St Mary’s college. She claimed that one of her housemates ‘took the bus to Aldi rather than joining their house Ocado order’. These scenes are near-apocalyptic. The day that head stylist is not considered a respected position is a sad day for us all.

(Molly Mihell)

The Viaduct: not so cool now is it?

Caleb Tutt

“She came from Surrey, she had a thirst for knowledge, She studied psychology at Hatfield College”. No, those aren’t the opening lyrics to ‘Common People’ by Pulp but they may as well be. And you can bet a pesto-pasta diet that this archetypal Durham student will, with excitement and naiveté, be living in the viaduct at some point in their university life. This dense neighbourhood, with it’s “grimy aesthetic” and totally studentified housing is inexplicably irresistible to students moving out of college and into the “real world”. The viaduct is gentrification incarnate only without the nice housing or artisan bakeries, but Afghan coats and boarding school boys clubs. It is its own guerrilla marketing campaign. The hype exists, but why?.

I remember my first term in the viaduct. The excitement wore off within the first two weeks when appendicitis le me bedbound in a house that had both awful mould and a non-functioning boiler. What else could I expect from the charming property empire of one of Durham's premier estate agents. I’d sold my soul away in the contract and I was now at their mercy.

North road Tesco looked like it had been raided in a pre-apocalypse panic so no paracetamol could help my already dire condition. Going all the way to boots or God forbid the GP was like an expedition to Mordor.

Cartoon of the week: Tory House of Cards

Rosie Bromiley

Secondly, I would like to cite a Frep - whose identity shall remain anonymous – who admi ed to me that his group of younglings, were just, plain, boring. They don’t drink, they don’t go out, they don’t have fun.

So, what exactly do they do? This Frep confessed to me that he had certain members of his entourage shifting swiftly across campus to their 9am lectures. I’m not advocating that students shouldn’t a end their lectures, not explicitly anyway, but isn’t the precise purpose of Level One to ease you gently into the course, while you consume an abundance of alcoholic beverages midweek. Perhaps I’m mistaken, if so, I’m extremely lucky to call myself a second-year student. I do jest; I understand that university life can be stressful, but 9am a endance is an entity that is still foreign to me.

Perhaps there is an implicit truth, a structural unevenness; these freshers might argue that their growth has been somewhat stunted by that spiky ball coined SARS-CoV-2. I do lend some sympathy, just a tad. I was schooled in the pandemic, and I turned out just fine…I think.

Yours sincerely, An avid darts fan/alcohol consumer.

The viaduct is gentrification incarnate only without the nice housing or artisan bakeries

Walks to lectures were long, walks to college or MC were longer, but I suppose at least Babylon was on the doorstep. Yay.

With the Durham housing crisis now looking like a scene out of “The Big Short”, can one really justify paying Park Lane prices for a Hawthorn Terrace shoebox?. Sure, it was “fun” in second year to live there, but all I have le from my viaduct days is 20% of my original deposit and chronic liver damage. Whilst proving better than the punitive sentence that is Gilesgate, I’d argue many places beat the viaduct. Even HMP Durham is closer to the library, and at least they have a legal obligation to keep the place warm.

So just remember when you’re on the 40 minute walk back from MC on a dark wet Monday evening and you reach the foot of Mount Crossgate, how cool do you feel now?

Tips n Tricks: how to make your room vibesy

Joe Gellman Do you have no clue on how to make your newfound college accommodation as vibesy as can be? Well fret no further. All you need as your room's focal point is a: Fax Machine

If I have learnt anything from my years at Durham, it is that retro is the future. From record players to disposable cameras, relics of the past are becoming increasingly savvy. The key is to be ahead of the game though and try to predict the next craze before it becomes a fad. As such, I would strongly recommend purchasing a nice old fax machine before it is the commonly done thing. You will thank me later.

A le er from... A second year to the freshers

Ollie McKenna

Dear Mr/Ms Fresher,

To put it quite bluntly, I have been rather disappointed by your overall contributions to university life so far.

I would like to reference two case studies. The first case in question, the infamous Grey College Darts Club (GCDC), a club with a decorated history of success as well as some very accurate ‘dartists’. I was informed by the GCDC president that the intake of freshers has so far been…one. Do tell me, how can a successful darts team be run without a flourishing crop of freshmen to be cultivated? In summary, it can’t. This is reflected in possibly one of the most shocking headlines of the incumbent academic year, “JOBO E team shock GCDC A team 7-1”. An indefensible result, which must be blamed on these lethargic level one students.