CONFLICTING

Poem by Tamra Pettersen

I love you, my son, I really do, But sometimes I feel like I don’t like you. There are such conflicting feelings inside. Some that are great and some I want to hide. I feel such joy, a warm glow in my chest. I also feel sad, alone and depressed. I don’t know how or why I’m this way. I’d love a break, but I’m sad when you’re away.

I like being wanted, and when you chose Dad, I often am jealous, lonely and mad. Yet when I’ve had a long, demanding day, You’ll cry for “mum” and you want me to stay. I should just enjoy it. I should be so rapt. But instead I am bitter because I feel trapped.

I work hard at cleaning day in and day out. At times I am tempted to throw your toys out. I cook healthy food that you’re supposed to eat, But you’d rather have lollies or another treat. Your emotions are high, and I try to stay calm. But often I think I’m a terrible mom. I get so frustrated and don’t always do right. Especially when you wake in the night.

It hurts to see the tears in your eyes And often I have to apologise. I didn’t know a child could hurt me so much By rejecting me and withholding your touch. Yet you also fill me with such joy and awe That I wonder how I could complain at all.

The years are short; the days are long. I can’t give up; I have to be strong. Though some days I want to just walk away Others are grand and we laugh and we play. And I have to hold on to those good feels Because I never know what tomorrow yields. It’s hard, this job I now have for life, Of being a mum and being a wife.

But you don’t give me advice or make me feel shame For speaking my truth and expressing my pain. Being a child can be tough, too. We’ll do this together, and we’ll make it through.

I open my heart to you, even though it’s hard. Each day I must choose to let down my guard. Some days you treat it with such tender care. Other days you tear it apart, unaware.

My conflicting feelings are part of the deal If I want to give you a love that is real. I hope you know that I’m doing my best. That’s all I can do; I’ll leave God to the rest.