90Minutes by Patrice Lovelace

90Minutes the inaugural issue

The Worst Premiership Managers Of All Time WAGS Lyrical

no.

Quoteth The Raving Time To Get Over The Beckham Bashing

Who Killed Joe Cole? Football Ethics

and much much more ... 1

editorial Welcome to the inaugural issue of

90Minutes www.90minutesonline.com

90Minutes

Editor David Moftakhar d_moftakhar@hotmail.com

Much like the football itself, sports writing in England is often pretty turgid fare. Whether it’s the hackneyed rants of ex-pros like Stan Collymore and Steve Claridge, or the axe-grinding diatribes of a ‘proper writer’ such as Martin Samuel, there’s a lot of pious, self-righteous tripe.

Art Director Patrice Lovelace panjea23@yahoo.com

We’re hoping to avoid this. Perhaps it’s best to give an analogy: If this magazine was a football team it’d probably be Brian Robson’s Middlesbrough - Gascoigne, Merson, Ravanelli, Juninho, Robbie Mustoe et al. A rag-tag mob of fading stars, journeymen and expensive foreign imports. Sure, substance abuse and weight-gain may have robbed us of our best days. But the occasional moment of brilliance is coupled with the kind of dressing room atmosphere in which shaving foam-based pranks abound.

Contributors Ian Shine Stephen “The” Rome Darren Douglas Benjamin Cullen Tom Osborne Nathan “Gino the Double” Jeans

We hope you enjoy it. DM

90Minutes

Web Development Daniel Mercer

contents 4

Football News

The Footballing Lexicon

Sex, Drugs & Lots Of Goals

Worst Value Transfers Of All Time

Time To Get Over The Beckham Bashing

Who Killed Joe Cole?

The Worst Premiership Managers Of All Time

An Ode To A Fatty

If Englandâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Midfield Were A Cocktail...

Quoteth The Raving!

WAGS Lyrical

The Heavy Soul Of Ashley Cole

Online Game Review

Football Ethics

Premiership Pansies

Football Is Soaper

More For Money Than For Substance How To Write A Football Chant

Just so you know...

This month’s news in brief

A former Gulf War pilot has been sacked after letting Robbie Savage join him in the cockpit. Captain Pablo Mason lost his job on MyTravel airlines for contravening anti-terror laws. AFC Telford United striker Terry Fearns has been suspended by the club for two weeks after missing a match whilst under arrest. Fearns, the team’s top scorer with 17 goals this term, was arrested on suspicion of possessing a controlled substance with the intention to supply. An 85-year-old woman was shot in the leg as violence erupted between Boca Juniors fans earlier this month. The woman, not a follower of the club, and a 55-year old man were hit as the club’s rival factions clashed. A ‘Blue Card’ was trialed in the Clericus Cup, played at the Vatican City between priests and trainee clergy. Players were ‘sin binned’ for 5 minutes whenever the card was shown. President of Spanish second division side Xerez, Joaquin Bilbao, was arrested following a shootout at a Brothel. Bilbao and his driver were detained for allegedly firing shots at the house of ill repute during the early hours. 4

A tribunal in Spain has ordered Ronaldinho to pay architect Maria Cristina Gardolinski £10,000. The court ruled in favour of Gardolinski after the Brazilian refused to pay for the lighting work done on his Porto Alegre pad. Potty-mouthed cook Gordon Ramsey has been outed as not quite the footballing talent he has made out. Rangers historian Robert McElroy has refuted the Scot’s claims that he turned out at Ibrox three or four time as “complete and utter nonsense”. Theo Walcott’s girlfriend, Mel Slade, has landed a role in the next Harry Potter film. Nepotism has been mooted as the reason for this as Theo’s aunt Yvonne is the partner of the film’s director David Yates. Police in Spain have arrested 11 people, including professional footballers and agents after seizing 600kg of cocaine. Spanish authorities believe the suspects were using their football connections as a cover for drugs trafficking. Real Madrid have snapped up Arsenal’s groundsman, Paul Burgess. The award winning lawn-tender has left the Emirates for the Bernabau on a 1-year contract.

because i'm worth it...

David Moftakhar

The footballing lexicon

Football as a sport isn’t synonymous with a wide and varied diction. Unlike cricket with its articulate commentators and university educated players, football doesn’t lend itself quite so readily to eloquence. The consequence of such a stunted vocabulary is that the few words in common parlance have a greater depth of meaning. Here are a few terms used to describe players and their deeper connotations.

* PlaymakeR (noun):

Doesn’t defend but doesn’t score many either.

* Typically English (adjective):

(1. He’s a typically English centre-forward): Lacking in technical and tactical know-how.

* No-nonsense (adjective):

No skill. Probably good in the air.

* Good in the air (idiom):

Bad on the deck.

* Hard-working (adjective):

See no-nonsense.

* Battler (noun):

Defensively minded; violent tendencies.

* Flair-player (noun):

All show, no go.

* Electric (adjective):

Poor first touch.

* Utility player (noun):

Jack of all trades, master of none.

* Veteran (noun):

Too old. Time to retire.

Sex, drugs and lots of goals!

David Moftakhar What’s not to like about Holland? The country has a liberal stance on everything from the sex-trade through to recreational drugs, and even defending. With teams’ ramshackle backlines and their attacking ethos, even an average striker can score a hatful of goals in the Eredivisie. Unfortunately, therefore, buying a striker from Holland is like choosing a hooker after eating a bag of magic mushrooms. You could get lucky and pick well – i.e. Romario, Ronaldo or Ruud Van Nistelrooy - but your skewed sense of perception may well lead to a clanger.

Mateja Kezman PSV Eindhoven:

122 apps/105gls

Chelsea:

25 apps/ 4gls

I still have a Chelsea shirt with ‘Kezman 9’ on the back. Testament to a naïve attempt to be a smart-ass. “You wait, this guy will be better than Van Nistelrooy”, I arrogantly proclaimed, wearing said shirt, just after he’d signed. Sometimes I still wear it in public to remind me never make such a rash decision again.

Dirk Kuyt

Alfonso Alves

Feyenoord:

SC Heerenveen:

Liverpool:

Middlesbrough: 36 apps/ 10 gls

England: ...

Lumbering and hardworking aren’t adjectives you’d usually associate with a striker. Then again, Dirk Kuyt isn’t your run-of-the-mill front man: he doesn’t score goals. A testament to how far hardwork can get you.

More goals than games in the Dutch top-flight. Currently fighting a losing battle against Jeremie Aliadiare and Marlon King for a place in the Boro starting eleven.

Schteve is schertainly schettling in well in the low-lands. He has won over Dutch critics by steering his side to second in the league and the semi-final of the domestic cup. Lap it up Steve because your name’s still mud over here.

101 apps/ 71 gls 99 apps/21 gls

39 apps/ 45 gls

Steve Maclaren FC Twente:

Mounting a serious title challenge

What a waste of money...

worst value transfers

The

David Moftakhar

of all time

‘Value for money’, that’s how Hull chairman Paul Duffen desbribed Jimmy Bullard following the announcement that the midfielder will miss rest the season, having played just 37 minutes for the club. After spending a club record £5m on the 30-year-old – plus £40,000-a-week in wages – Hull are now left tallying up that ‘value’ as they battle to stave off relegation. Knee-knack prone Jimmy is, however, not the only player to provide such a poor return on investment.

Per Kroldrup

Massimo Taibi

Everton Who’s Per Kroldrup? Good question. For all the plaudits lauding David Moyes’ achievements on a shoestring budget, there has been little mention of the Danish defender. Everton paid £5m for Kroldrup in 2005. He left a year later after only one appearance. Cost per game: £5m*

Manchester United United splashed out £4.5m on the Italian stopper in the hope of finding the next Peter Schmeichel. Instead, Taibi set the standard for a succession of second-rate keepers at the club. He made just four appearances during four months at the club. Cost per game: £1,125,000*

Bosko Balaban

Florin Raducioiu

Marco Boogers

Aston Villa Villa fans deserve their little bit of cheer of late, lest we all forget the dark years of Deadly Doug and a succession of calamitous managers. The £6m signing of Balaban was the brainchild of John Gregory. The Croatian forward didn’t start a league game in two and a half years at the club. Cost per game: £1,075,000

West Ham Raduicaio was a definite ‘miss’ by wheeler-dealer Harry Redknapp. Having played for Milan and represented his country at the previous two World Cups, West Ham paid £2.4m to bring the Romanian striker to Upton Park. A torrid time came to a head after just 11 appearances, when Florin skipped training to go shopping with his wife. Cost per game: £218,182*

West Ham There’s a theme developing here. Boogers joined ‘Arry’s West Ham for £750,000 in 1995. On as a substitute in his second game, the striker was sent-off within seconds for a two footed tackle on Gary Neville. He never returned to Upton Park, instead seeking solace at a Dutch caravan park. Cost per game: £375,000*

Joey Beauchamp West Ham United Another fine piece of business by the indomitable Redknapp (who ever questioned the probity of his financial dealings?). Following his £1m move from Oxford, Beauchamp became so homesick that he left after two months without ever playing a competitive game; retuning closer to his Oxfordshire roots with a move to Swindon. £1,000,000. No games*

Marcelino Newcastle United Just another in a long line of Hispanic players to find the going tough in northeast England. Following his £5m transfer, Marcellino played 17 Premier League games in three and a half years at St James’ Park. Cost per game: £508,235

Pierluigi Casiraghi Chelsea A slow start saw the £5.4 striker find the net just once in his opening 9 games. And then he suffered a horrific knee injury in his 10th. 4 years and 10 operations later, Casiraghi retired having seen out his £35,000-a-week contract. Cost per game: £1,268,000

*Excluding wages.

football

by [phil h] sourced at www.flickr.com

Time to get over the

g n i h s a b m Beckha

Some of the most quotable criticisms of Beckham have revolved around his level of fame and have regularly been linked to his wife Victoria (or Posh if you prefer). 10

Darren Douglas Out of the many facets of modern football there has almost always been a particular constant over the last ten years, and that is the regularity and on occasion ferocity of contempt aimed at a certain David Beckham. Criticism and all round ‘stick’ has forever been linked with team sports, this is a part of what supporters bring to a live game. We can be very fickle at times, though, and as much as is taken in criticism by players and managers, it will usually be counter-balanced by encouragement and adulation. With Beckham there have been many highs and lows over the course of his career so far, but unlike most players he has always had more than his fair share of detractors. There are, of course, many other professional footballers who fans universally love to hate, Robbie Savage is probably at the top of that list for a significant number and likewise Craig Bellamy is not often well received outside of the City of Manchester stadium. The difference in the case of Beckham is that he has had only one real incident where he fell victim to widespread derision. The World Cup of 1998 when Beckham was sent off against Argentina in the second round,

led to vicious and, when put in context, unacceptable abuse towards him. Fans were justifiably upset with how he had needlessly put himself into a position where the referee had to give him the red card - but burning effigies was a bit much! In fairness this is a relatively isolated incident when measured against the rest of Beckham’s career, he has never really been a player who would play dirty or rile up supporters. Likewise he has managed to be remarkably dignified when considering some episodes of his career. Imagine, for example, how Cristiano Ronaldo would h ave reacted in the press if Ferguson had kicked a football boot at his face. There is no denying that Beckham has had disciplinary problems at times. At Real Madrid he was sent off on several occasions and of ten booked, but overall he is regarded as a fair and honest player. Perhaps too honest if you remember his ‘deliberate’ and ‘tactical’ yellow card for England during the Euro 2004 qualifiers, which left him suspended whilst injured. What is it then generally that has often made him a bone of contention and the source of many a football argument? Some of the mo st quotable criticisms of Beckham have revolved around his level of fame and have regular ly been linked

to his wife Victoria (or Posh if you prefer). I understand that she can come across as an unlikable sort on occasion, and yes at his height the couple were constantly in the papers for reasons other than footballing ones. It has been entertaining for the public at large to comment on sarongs and extra-marital affairs, but when soaking up these reports and images people would do well to remember that the press chase such expose. To this day Beckham has suffered attacks that are linked to the profile of his wife and the gossip columns. That isn’t to belittle the times when like all players he has rightly had his performances questioned on the field of play, but if detail is given to how his career has panned out, he deserves more when you look at it. Clearly statistics aren’t the be all and end all, but he has carved out an impressive career to date. At Manchester United he won all the major trophies on offer; six Premiership, two FA Cup and of course the Champions League. In that final at the Nou Camp he set up both goals for Manchester Utd, as they miraculously snatched victory from Bayern Munich. It is less noted because the goal scorers gain the glory, that is how it works, but it is an example of how Beckham has been throughout his career. One of 11

the admirable things has been his level of consistency, during his earlier England captaincy, there were times when his effort and commitment dragged the team onwards. The free kick he scored against Greece in the final 2002 World Cup qualifier is the best remembered. It was a great moment even if it only got England to the tournament, but there were many other England internationals of that era too, when Beckham ran around like a man possessed for the good of the cause. At Real Madrid he managed what too few British players have over the years - playing well for a great team in another major European league. He was a part of one of the club’s more barren periods, but he still delivered, literally as he set up countless goals. Outlasting all the other Galacticos at the club he managed to overcome adversity and play a part in the title triumph of Fabio Capello’s team. The way that he reacted to being dropped at Real Madrid by the future England manager, was certainly commendable and ultimately very rewarding. It appears that he has made a lasting impression on Capello too, as the announcement of his squad for Wednesday has yielded another recall to England duty. Surely with his recent form 12

on loan at AC Milan there can be few who disagree that Beckham has earned his recent recall on merit. Still I have seen comments that excuse Beckham’s return of two goals and assists in six games at Milan. Some people would have you believe that his form is due to a diminished standard in Serie A, or because of the quality of his team-mates, both of these are quite unfair in reality. Serie A is far from its heyday in the nineties but it still attracts some of the world’s most glamorous players and managers. Almost all of Italy’s 2006 World Cup winning team were based in Serie A, so the league must be of a high standard. As for Beckham being carried by his new team mates, that is an unjustified remark. If anything, since his loan started a month ago the Milan team have played with more buoyancy. I for one am pleased for Beckham, he seems invigorated playing in Italy, the slower pace of the games give him time to pick his passes and so far he’s had a positive effect. It is difficult to tell if he will end up in Serie A on a permanent basis, but there are already many denouncing his time at LA Galaxy. It is especially relevant based on recent form to wonder why Beckham didn’t go straight to somewhere like AC Milan, after he left Real Madrid. Indeed, there were such offers being mooted at the time he decided to sign for LA Galaxy.

A lot of the blame for the decision has been attributed to Mrs Beckham and her own career pursuits, personally I just think it’s all endlessly tiresome after a short while of hearing it. When Beckham married a Spice Girl the couple’s cult of celebrity intensified to huge proportions, but it has also led to much unwarranted sniping about his abilities. The mill stone for Beckham is the lack of success for England, and he was the obvious major scapegoat at the end of the Eriksson era after the 2006 World Cup. In reality Beckham had scored or set up a majority of all of England’s goals in the tournament. He resigned his captaincy but was soon to lose his place in the squad too. It was a bold move by McClaren but most people realised that Beckham was just the figurehead for a team of under-performers, and McClaren would later recall the midfielder just as Capello had done. Whilst it is still some way off, the chances of Beckham making Capello’s squad, for an expected trip to South Africa in 2010, are now looking like a real crowning possibility. For now we should just appreciate how consistently well David Beckham has played for three of the world’s biggest clubs in the last fifteen years, that is an achievement. After all, he may be a little annoying sometimes, but at least it’s not been Robbie Savage on TV all these years!

football dreams by kurush umrigar sourced at www.flickr.com

Joe Cole?

Who killed

David Moftakhar

or Chelsea, Cole has been primarily deployed in a wide role as part of a three-pronged attack. But he is by no mean a natural winger. When have you ever seen him beat a full-back and deliver a cross from the bye-line? Never.

lthough widely admired domestically, not everyone would agree that Joe Cole is amongst the top bracket of English players. However, ask a continental observer which English player they most admire and amongst the Wayne Rooneys, John Terrys, Rio Ferdinands and Steven Gerrards, there are a surprisingly large number of Joe Coles. n England, Cole is seen as somewhat of a luxury. Someone who can add a little bit of magic, but whose importance and effectiveness pale in comparison to that of a hard-working midfielder.

owever, whereas Cole is often undervalued in his homeland, elsewhere on the continent players in his mould are revered by aficionados more appreciative of the subtler arts of the game.

hen he broke onto the youth scene the word was that West Ham had unearthed the greatest talent of a generation. In one youth international Cole scored 7 of England’s 8 goals in an 8-1 drubbing of Spain, and his first forays into West Ham’s first team confirmed the notoriety.

en years later and Cole has achieved as much as anyone can hope to in the game. At Chelsea he has won two Premier League crowns, an FA Cup medal, two League Cups and has played in a Champions League final. He has 53 Caps and 10 international goals.

nother problem for Cole is that he doesn’t have a set position. These days the Premiership, and football as a whole, doesn’t often allow for two strikers - let alone a freeroaming attacking midfielder.

ut neither is he suited to a central midfield berth, having not the strength, determination or discipline to be relied upon in the role.

nd although he is a good finisher, Cole also lacks the attributes – primarily physical prowess and pace – to compete as a forward.

uring his time at West Ham, Cole was indulged. He was given a free role with license to float in the final third and drop deep to collect the ball, bring it forward and make things happen. It was during this time that his reputation was cemented.

nfortunately the prime of Joes Cole’s career has coincided with the evolution of a scientific approach to football. Particularly at Chelsea thanks to its main proponent, Jose Mourinho, success has been achieved by strict adherence to rigid tactical stratagems that still is emphasise a team’s shape and structure over the et, in spite of these undoubted successes, there never expression of individual talent. the impression that the diminutive Londoner has truly fulfilled his early promise. ltimately, Cole is a romanticised notion of what most born was footballers aspire to be - a creative and visionary player erhaps Cole’s greatest problem is that he thrust with impeccable technique. But in spite of making it to in the wrong country; that the physicality, cut and and ed the top, what we have learnt is that the traditional English of English football aren’t suited to his more measur virtues of grit and determination are still held in the highest technical game. esteem in the Premier League. an lthough Cole isn’t lacking in pace, and he has erhaps the opportunity to play abroad would give Cole excellent burst of acceleration, he isn’t fast enough to what the opportunity to flourish. Given the confidence, belief and readily beat players with the ball at his feet. That’s the in freedom to play as he so desires, it is possible he can still separates him from the most successful flair players realise his full potential. After all he has just turned 27. Premiership.

his is indicative of the frenetic counter-attacking style of English football - you need to be very fast - and is in contrast to elsewhere on the continent, where patient build up play and probing forays are used to break teams down. In an environment in which there is more time on the ball and the quality of possession is of greater importance, Cole’s craft and guile would be more effective.

nfortunately for Cole, and for English football, perhaps the greatest English talent of a generation has been stymied by the contemporary game.

Steve Wigley

Egil Olsen

football Ghana style by tobyadamson.co.uk sourced at www.flickr.com

Iain Dowie

worst Premiership managers of all time

Ian Shine

The

On the back of Paul Ince’s sacking and the possibly looming departure of Mark Hughes, we should take on some festive spirit and give these two unfortunates something to be cheerful about. So, for Ince, Hughes and terrible managers everywhere, here are the three worst Premiership managers of all time.

Booted out the door at Southampton after only one win in 14 games, Wigley was just one of Rupert Lowe’s many masterstrokes as Saints chairman. Wigley was put in temporary charge of the club after Gordon Strachan’s departure in 2004, yet his discomfort in the position became

evident so quickly that Paul Sturrock was ushered in to replace him after only two games. Sturrock went on to last just 13 games before Wigley was pushed back into the hot seat, some say against his will. He has since been appointed head coach at Bolton by Gary Megson,

a move which was against the wills of some of the Bolton faithful, as the ever-brilliant forum on boltonbanter.com revealed: “I think he’s just w**k and his record would prove as much. But then again who the fuck wants to work with Gary Megson other than somebody on the dole?”

Wigley is just one in a long line of coaches who haven’t been able to cut it as managers. And while the likes of Brian Kidd and Sammy Lee stake strong claims to be included in this collection of the Premiership’s worst, there are a couple of men who save them from such infamy.

A man who started his managerial career at a team called Frigg and now finds himself at the reigns of Iraq’s national team is clearly one for wacky choices. His vigil at Wimbledon proved just that, as he put his notorious

football philosophy into place to send the Dons crashing out of the Premiership in 2000. Olsen’s scientific approach to football has made him somewhat obsessed with what players do away from the ball, so much so that he

asked his players to be “å være best uten ball”, which literally translates as “to be best without the ball”. Unfortunately for him this approach led to the Dons losing eight games in a row and him being sacked. His final contribution to the

Wimbledon cause was a 3-0 mauling by Bradford. The Dons went on to be relegated in 18th place while Bradford finished three points above them in 17th.

Dowie may be one of the few premiership managers who can claim to have made a genuine contribution to the English language. His use of “bouncebackability” to describe his Crystal Palace team led to the word’s inclusion in the Collins dictionary in 2005 with the definition:

“The ability of a person or team to bounce back, that is, to return to good form after a period of not performing well.” Unluckily for Dowie his etymological prowess failed to translate into Premiership management prowess as he led Palace to relegation via seven wins in 38 games.

Charlton foolishly let him return to the Premiership in 2006, and even more foolishly gave him more money than they’d ever given any manager in their history. He promptly pissed £4m of it away on Djimi Traore and went on to be sacked after managing only two wins in 12 Premiership

games. The Addicks went on to appoint the marginally better Alan Pardew, but Dowie had already done enough to propel a solid mid-table team towards the end of their seven-year spell in the top flight.

An ode to a fatty

Sadly, the days of grossly overweight barrels gracing the Premier League may be nearing an end, but I for one shall never forget…

Le Tissier you burley gay Your belly’s off the hook It’s crystal clear When you are near You must have quite a cook Oh Andy Reid You hefty steed Your midriff is divine And if I’m out You lager lout Your chubby arse is mine Rooney poor Wayne Rooney They say u look like Shrek But in my eyes you’re gorgeous I’d love to see your kecks Your ball skills are frenetic Your demeanour hardly meek But if you weighed anymore They’d call you flabby chic Live on big guys, much respect.

Gino the Double

If England's midfield were a cocktail...

David Moftakhar

The interminable Gerrard-Lampard continues to drag on and on. Even Fabio Capello doesn’t seem to be able to get the mix right. But has the Italian got the secret ingredient? Will he shake or stir his charges? If England’s central midfield were a cocktail what would it be?

Gin and Tonic

Lampard

Barry

A classic mixture, but only for certain occasions. You wouldn’t drink it every day when there’s so much else on offer. Works well but leaves you feeling deflated the next day.

cubre libre A drink for all occasions. The dark rum gets you fired up and is complimented by the caffeine in the cola. Add a twist of lime it tastes good too. Gets you going, but goes flat after a while.

Gerrard

Barry

long island iced tea Very strong but it leaves a sour taste in your mouth. No one drinks it on a regular basis; but if you’re looking for something with a real whack then it’ll do the job. Generally an unpopular mix.

Hargreaves

Barry

Tom and Jerry

Gerrard

Lampard

On paper it should be good. Brandy and Rum - two dark spirits with their own, not too dissimilar, virtues. However, with the flavour of each vying for prominence on the pallet, it descends into an offish mix of neither one nor the other.

Quoteth the raving! The stereotype of footballers is that they are thick as shit, an image not helped by the seemingly continuous stream of verbal cack that they spew forth. Here is a small collection of some of the more infamous football clangers. I’m sure there are a veritable glut of ridiculous remarks missing from the list, so if there are any glaring omissions, please feel free to add them in at the bottom of the article. “My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7” “I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don’t know into what religion yet” “Alex Ferguson is the best manager I’ve ever had at this level. Well, he’s the only manager I’ve actually had at this level. But he’s the best manager I’ve ever had” David Beckham “And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds” Peter Jones “It was the perfect penalty - apart from he missed it” Glenn Hoddle

“You’ve got to believe that you’re going to win, and I believe we’ll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we’re knocked out” Peter Shilton

The crowd think that Todd handled the ball.... they must have seen something that nobody else did” “And I honestly believe we can go Barry Davies all the way to Wembley...unless somebody knocks us out” Dave Bassett “If you don’t believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day” Neville Southall

“One accusation you can’t throw at me is that I’ve always done my best” “I’ve never wanted to leave. I’m here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well” Alan Shearer

“We are playing sexy football in fact it is an orgy of football the other team know they are going to get it, but they don’t know when or where from” Sam Hammam “Well Roy, do you think that you’ll have to finish above Manchester United to win the league?” “You have to finish above everyone to win the league, Richard” Roy Evans to Richard Keys

The Rome

“I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league” Mark Viduka

“Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins” Brian Moore

“I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area, for goalies is between their legs”

“I’ve had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable” Paul Gascoigne

“In Manchester you are either Blue or Red... there’s no two ways about it” Andy Gray

“I’d like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona” Mark Draper

“I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don’t want to leave Leicester” Stan Collymore “I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham .. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing” Ade Akinbiyi

“There is only one word to describe football and that is ‘if only’” Bobby Robson

“If you can’t stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen” Terry Venables

“Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I’m sure today’s won’t be any different” Trevor Brooking

“Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead” Tom Ferrie

“Don’t sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through?” “I think it’s fifty - fifty” Terry Venables to Jimmy Hill

“Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.” Ian Wright “The offside flag went up immediately, if not before” Graeme LeSaux

“That’s great, tell him he’s Pele and get him back on” John Lambie (Partick Thistle manager, when told a concussed striker did not know who he was)

“I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel” Stuart Pearce “Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer” Ian Darke “I’m as happy as I can be - but I have been happier” Ugo Ehiogu “Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today” Steve Lomas

“I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right” Lee Hendrie

“If we played like that every week we wouldn’t be so inconsistent” Bryan Robson

“Leeds is a great club and it’s been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough” Jonathan Woodgate “I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock” Barry Venison

“It’s now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday” (Radio 5 Live)

“What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?” Stuart Hall

“Football today, it’s like a game of chess It’s all about money” (Newcastle Utd fan, Radio 5 Live) “All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed” Mitchell Thomas “Tell the Kraut to get his ass up front. We don’t pay a million for a guy to hang around in defence” NY Cosmos executive, on Beckenbauer’s positioning

“I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest just squandered” George Best

“The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European” Phil Neville “I’d rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd” Johnny Giles “I don’t believe in luck... but I do believe you need it” Alan Ball

“What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio” Gerry Francis

The Rome “Sometimes in football you have to score goals” Thierry Henry

Shadows of Glory a football celebration

“I couldn’t settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country” Ian Rush “I’ve told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones” Chris Turner (Peterborough manager, before a League Cup Quarter Final) “If there weren’t such a thing as football, we’d all be frustrated footballers” Mick Lyons

“He’s one of those footballers whose brains are in his head” Derek Johnstone

“In terms of the Richter scale this defeat was a force eight gale” David Pleat

by miguel valle de figueiredo sourced at www.flickr.com

“In a sense it’s a oneman show... except there are two men involved, Hartson and Berkovic, and a third man, the goalkeeper” Kevin Keegan

l a c i r y l S G A W

David Moftakhar

Footballers’ ugly wives If there’s one thing WAGs are good for it’s looking good. All tits and handbags a’ flailing, they brighten up gossip columns and the pages of low-grade magazines. But for every Peter Crouch, punching well above his admittedly meager weight, there are those who are clearly not putting their money and fame to good use.

Gary Neville

Ok, so you’re Gary Neville. With a face and personality like that you’d be happy get whatever you can, right? Wrong. Look around Gary, you don’t have to marry a buck-toothed Trollope like Emma Hadfield. Take a leaf out of Phil’s book. He’s married a stunner and he’s even uglier than you.

Rio Ferdinand

Other a flailing upper-lip, Rio’s a fairly good looking guy. He earns a lot of money and has captained his club to domestic, European and World championships in the past year. There’s absolutely no need for him to be married to the dowdy little chubster that is Rebecca Lorenz.

Sol Cambell

Sol has done little to quell certain rumours by dating a succession of unattractive women. His old flame, Kelly Hoppen, was 10 years his senior and hadn’t aged well. Current girlfriend, Fiona Barratt, may only be 27 but she also lacks a certain aesthetic allure.

Thierry Henry

Thierry Henry is a handsome man, and for two or three years he was perhaps the best footballer in the world. Therefore you’d expect him to have an attractive wife. But no, Thierry used his good looks and success to woo the plain Claire Merry, who also took him to the cleaners in a messy divorce settlement.

David Beckham

Thick ‘n’ Thin have eeked out an incredible career for themselves considering neither one of them has a great deal of natural talent. Everything comes at a cost though, and poor, handsome David has been waking up to Posh’s piggy face for the past 10 years.

Tom Osborne

The heavy soul of

Ashley Cole

Scrawling through the internet I became enrag ed. It was Ashley Cole. If there is a more deplorable character in the world of football then I do not know who it is. It is not that he has done anything recently to aggravate , just a long standing line of selfish, stupid things. The only joy I got out of reading about him was that his autobiography, My Defence, released in 2006, sold only 4,000 copies in the first six months! That is truly embarrassing and not shocking. In his book he said he almost swerved off the road in fright when he was ‘only’ offered £60,000 PER WEEK to stay at Arsenal. Talk about distancing yourself from your intended audience. Who did he think was going to read the book? Maybe Mr Abramovich could sympathise but not the average season ticket holder. In the very same magnum opus, Cole calls Cesc Fabregas an ‘unproven featherweight’ when citing the reasons for leaving Arsenal. Well done Ashley. It is hard for an 18-year-old to be much else. Mr J.A Stein writes on Amazon review: “This book dosen’t enhance his already tattered reputation and for once I dont envy a footballer, he should be left to wallow in his own self pity because this is a pathetic tale of a young man deluded with life in the world.” Its hard to disagree.

Want to live the life of a footballer?

Online game review:

your agent as you look for a big money transfer to a higher division. You can buy cars and property to lure in the babes, and in turn a better bit of totty on your arm increases your media rating which will help you get attention from the bigger clubs.

Football is a game rich in tradition. It began somewhere, possibly a pub car park, possibly somewhere involving grass and roots. Somewhere along the line someone coined the phrase jumpers for goalposts. In homage to that and in the second of what could possibly become a regular feature on internet football games, let us this week examine Jumpers for Goalposts 2. Forget Sensible Soccer, or Pro Evolution Soccer 5. Jumpers for Goalposts 2 might just be the best football game ever invented, on any platform. The essential idea behind the game is that you’ve got 10 years to go from booting the

ball around in your back yard to the Premiership and the World Cup. It usually takes you a couple of years to land a League 1 contract, and as long as you don’t get relegated you’ll get an offer from The Championship within a couple of years. During the games you’ll get a range of chances, including the fairly straight forward headers, vollies and penalties, to the trickier snap shots. If you can net enough chances you’ll get three points and a win bonus, all of which help you live the life of a real life footballer. Between games you get to go out on the lash with your team mates, pick up honeys, gamble on the team bus and deal with

However, the dilemma comes when your offers come in. All teams are rated out of 100 and there’s usually a big money offer from a shite team, along with a lower offer from a better side. Unlike a real life footballer you have to weigh up taking the money and probable relegation, or the slightly more humble wages and a chance of promotion. I quickly learned that if you want to get anywhere with this game you take the lower wages. When playing with a higher rated team you get a lot more chances and usually end up a lot higher up the table, thus increasing your eventual chances of progression to the megabucks of the Premiership. As you progress up the leagues you’ll get scouts from bigger sides coming to check you out, along with hotter and more demanding wenches coming for a slice of your pie.

Ian Shine

But here comes another dilemma. You’ve got to balance up satisfying your bitch with keeping your manager happy. You can keep your manager happy by staying in every night, whereas your latest bit of poontang is only happy if you take her out of an evening and get into fights along the way. If either of their approval ratings drops below 50/100, you could be for the chop. It’s up to you to maintain the delicate balance that that so many real life footballers have failed with over the years. Another pitfall for many players past and present has been a flutter on a game of cards, and life’s no different for you. After every game the Queens and

Kings come out on the team bus and you can stake your wages on coming out victorious. If you win you’re rewarded handsomely with ten times your pay packet. If you lose, the temptation of another flutter is hard to resist. If there’s any criticism of this game is that is takes a good three hours to complete a season. This tends to result in one getting to bed at around 4am as you desperately push for a transfer away from Sheffield United. It took me three careers to finally make it to the promised land, after Liverpool noticed my sterling work with Birmingham City and offered me £8000 a week. The old card games become even more tempting now, with each one

providing enough to fund a property upgrade or some serious nights on the town. Eventually my career draws to a close with a 7th place finish in the Premiership, but my performances have still been enough to merit an England call up for the World Cup. The crowning achievement of my career comes when I put away a 119th minute volley to win the England-Germany final, earning a £1m win bonus in the process. As I reel around my living room am I imagining the toilet paper thrown from the crowds, or is that just my wife urging me to clean up the shit I’ve left all over the place after refusing to move from the computer for four solid days?

Rating: 9/10 Best feature: Gambling on the team bus Best score: 764410, with a 10 star girlfriend, 10 star car and £1,000,000 property Play Jumpers for Goalpost 2 for free at: www.mousebreaker.com

ethics

football

This may be sneered at by virtue of combining football and ethics in the same sentence but the beautiful game is still beautiful, if a little bloated in its older age. Many complaints are aimed at the current state of football with regards to its greed and lack of decorum amongst those who play the game professionally. Inevitably a lot of this is over-hyped, the game has evolved from the darker days of the 1970â&#x20AC;&#x2122;s and 80â&#x20AC;&#x2122;s when crowd attendances were low and the atmosphere could be intimidating. The onset of the Premier League in 1992-93 has been like a double-edged sword though. Astronomical amounts of money have been poured into the game and new fanbases have developed. With this has come a more universal enjoyment of football than ever before, yet also an increasingly cynical and perhaps detached fanbase.

This is related to that which has invigorated football: money. Vast stockpiles of cash has been invested from TV revenue which has along with the Bosman ruling helped to drive up the wages of players and hence the prices for those wanting to watch the game. This domino effect has naturally led to the professionals that we support having become ever more detached from what actually keeps the game running in the end- the supporters. Even more importantly the great revenue that is developed by the modern game is criminally top-heavy with regards to the finances of the top four divisions in the English league. Naturally the Premiership and Championship create greater revenue but the gulf is so far that development through the game to itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s grassroots are stifled. The only realistic way for a club to ascend through the

Darren Douglas

divisions now is usually through the aid of yet more money from an investor, for example with the rise of Wigan. In order to help level the playing fields there should be a compulsory wage cap. There can be no realistic way of explaining the need for a player to earn more than ÂŁ80,000 per week. This figure would still be quite outrageous but then expecting uniform acceptance of such a wage structure without compromise would be naive. Likewise the game needs to find ways of spreading TV revenue through the leagues in a fairer way in an attempt to develop the game from the grassroots up. The big clubs would not be disadvantaged as they would still have their own massive revenues from merchandising and competitions such as the Champions League. What football will ultimately not be able to afford is the pricing out of their own fans. People can be as cynical as they want when it comes to money in sport and football, but ultimately the last word is still with us as supporters, particularly when considering the current financial climate. In decades gone by football was an indulgence that could be maintained when times were hard, if prices continue to rise then the modern day equivalent could be forced to vote with their feet and stay at home.

BULGARIAN FOOTBALL PLAYER by Iva Baialtzalieva sourced at www.flickr.com

Premiership pansies FA Cup third round, Deepdale and the chant of “Steve Gerrard Gerrard, he scores them from 40 yards, he’s big and his fookin ‘ard, Steve Gerrard Gerrard” greeted the disgraced captain as he appeared for the first time since his arrest for attacking a DJ. The Liverpool fans, as well as manager Rafa Benitez, have definetly done a Dolly Parton since the Southport incident amid the public furor over another Premiership idol falling from grace and setting a bad example to legions of young fans. Obviously I don’t condone assault, but I can’t help but feel that all the righteous hyperbole that surrounds such an episode is a bit much. I don’t believe that kids are so impressionable that we’ll see a swathe of DJ beatings across the nation, with cherubic youngsters with wobbling lips and a tear in their eye explaining to the police “but officer, Stevey G did it and I thought it was ok....”. The Gerrard debacle all seemed a bit tame compared to a story I saw recently about an NFL star with the unlikely name of Plaxico Burress. Burress, a Superbowl winner with the New York Giants managed to shoot himself in the leg in a Big Apple nightclub and could now face a jail term for unlawful posession of a firearm. The likes of Barton, Bellamy, Bowyer and a slew of other Premiership stars over the years are often rightly castigated for their actions, but just how bad are they? The Burress story made me do some research to see if the yanks had some equivalent bad boys and as ever, everything in the US has to be bigger. I couldn’t believe what I discovered, it seems

The

NFL Bad Boy starting eleven

OJ Simpson - Well, you can’t get much badder

can you? Non-American readers can be forgiven for thinking that old Orenthal James was only famous for his role as the crappy sidekick to Leslie Nielsen in the Naked Gun films, but Simpson rose to prominence as a top NFL player for the Buffalo Bills during the 70’s. Somehow acquitted of the double murder of his wife Nicole and her friend Ronald Goldman in 1995, OJ would go on to write a book describing the incident with the title “If I did It”. After sensationally escaping a double murder rap, you’d think he would keep his nose clean, but in September 2007, “The Juice” and some of his associates broke into a Las Vegas hotel room and stole sports memorabilia at gun point. He was charged with several offences including kidnapping & armed robbery and has been sent down for 15 years.

Michael Vick - This Atlanta Falcon caused a

huge stir in the animal loving US during 2007 when it was discovered that he had been running a six-year interstate dog fighting venture under the title “Bad Newz Kennels” and was subsequently sentenced to 23 months imprisonment.

Pacman Jones - The quintessential NFL bad boy, Jones had numerous scrapes with the law before an altercation with a stripper in a Vegas nightclub in February 2007 led to a fracas that resulted in a member of his entourage firing a gun and hitting three people. For his part in this calamity, Jones was suspended for the entire 2007 season. More recently, Pacman scuffled with a man that his new team the Dallas Cowboys hired as a bodyguard to keep Jones from getting involved in any strife and he has landed himself another suspension. Lawrence Phillips - A notorious woman beater who has duffed in several girlfriends as well as doing a Marlon King in a nightclub during his stint with the Miami Dolphins. In 2005, classy Phillips ploughed into three teenagers with a car after a dispute and has been sentenced to 10 years in the slammer. Barret Robbins - The bi-polar Oakland Raider went on a drinking binge and failed to appear for his team’s Superbowl match against Tampa Bay. He was later released by the Raiders following steroid allegations. In January 2005, Robbins was shot three times during a brawl with police in Miami, yet

The Rome he is alleged to have scuffled on despite his wounds. Currently wanted for parole violation in Florida, the manically depressed star has gone MIA.

Alonzo Spellman - This unhinged star, a

former Chicago Bear, has a rap sheet that includes arrests for breaking into the home of his brother and threatening to kill him as well as forcing the emergency landing of a plane after terrorising the passengers onboard.

Ray Lewis - Still playing for the Baltimore Ravens, Lewis was arrested for murder in January 2000 following a double stabbing at a Superbowl party. The murder charge was eventually replaced by an obstruction of justice charge, but for his part in the incident, Lewis would go on to make undisclosed settlements with the victims families before civil proceedings were brought.

Gene Atkins - Another reasonable chap, he

Lawrence Taylor - A former New York Giant

James Dunaway - Coincidentally a former

and NFL hall of famer, this legend of the game was a complete drug fiend. Early in his career, he tested positive for cocaine twice, so proceeded to submit his teammates urine to avoid further punishment. As his time in the sport came to an end, he upped the ante, getting arrested and going through spells in rehab, covering the windows of his home in white sheets and describing the atmosphere as being â&#x20AC;&#x153;like a crackhouse.â&#x20AC;? His whoring exploits include sending hookers to the rooms of rival players to knacker them out and turning up for a team meeting still wearing handcuffs that he no longer had the keys to.

has been arrested for firebombing the house of a business associate and more recently scuffled with police and barricaded himself in his home after clubbing his wife with a remote control.

colleague of OJ, Dunaway is the white version of Simpson. In 1998 his ex-wife was found dead in a swimming pool and seeing as she had won a sizable amount of the NFL starâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s assets in a recent divorce, Dunaway was arrested and charged with her murder - but not indicted by a grand jury. Despite this, his own children filed a wrongful death lawsuit against him and won.

Rae Carruth - A wide receiver for the Carolina

Panthers and the most evil shamed NFL player of the lot, this scumbag was found guilty of organising the execution style murder of his pregnant girlfriend following a date, because she refused to have an abortion.

Football is Soap-er Last Christmas, a Leicester City fan shouted to Nigel Pearson at half time “Oi Pearson, what’s going on, it’s like pantomime season out there,” to which the Foxes manager drolly retorted “Oh no it isn’t!” The Leicester performance that day may have been a bit Widow Twankey, but over the course of the season thus far, they have bossed the third tier of English football and deserve to be taken seriously. A far cry from the Premier League where the sheer amount of teams in danger of crashing through the trap-door reflect just how many clubs are in disarray. The dramatic and desperate daily shenanigans of some of the country’s most famous clubs are like something out of a terrible soap opera. Newcastle are a classic example of a side who lurch from one comically grave scenario to another with monotonous regularity. I’m sure that if you’d told a Geordie at the beginning of the season that by February his team might be appointing Bryan Robson to replace Joe Kinnear, he would’ve leapt down his coal scuttle, dashed to his outside toilet and expelled the Newcy Brown & 17 pies that had been stewing in his guts, so sick would he have been at the thought. To celebrate the League’s farcical nature, I’ve come up with the following comparisons:

Man City vs Malhacao Like a Brazilian Telenovella, highly dramatic, massively over the top, incredible looking on paper, but ultimately unrealistic.

newcastle vs dynasty Once rich and powerful, now in danger of becoming extinct. With casualties at boardroom, managerial and player level, St.James Park resembles the famously absurd ‘Moldavian Massacre’ scene.

bolton vs the bill Plods along in a dour and understated way. The main protaganist, Megson, resembles the Chief of Police in that everybody hates him, even his own.

The Rome

tottenham vs eastenders â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Arry tries to put a brave veneer over things, but itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s hard to talk tough when your hair resembles Dot Cottons. Unfortunately the reality is his teams underbelly is as soft as Phil Mitchells gut. Loves resurecting old characters for unlikely comebacks.

portsmouth vs dallas The club is in free-fall and all memories of money and prestige seem to be fast evaporating. Was the 07-08 season just a dream?

stoke vs emmerdale farm Ooo Arr, have you heard Pulis talk?! Dirty and basic, you wonder how it got to where it is in the first place.

blackburn vs neighbours Pretty awful. A few major stars around, but theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re using this as a vehicle towards higher levels of fame and fortune.

middlesbrough vs family affairs Absolutely dire. So poor in fact, that nobody watches it.

west brom vs hollyoaks Neat and attractive, but generally sub-standard with the aesthetics masking a woeful production.

More for

money

Uefa have confirmed the expansion of the European Championships format from the 2016 tournament onwards. The change involves expanding the number of competing nations from sixteen to twenty-four, and as a part of this expansion the number of nations who will be eligible to host the tournament will be limited.

These proposals have to be seriously questioned from the outset and I have to say that they are surely being made for all the wrong reasons. Franz Beckenbauer sat in on the meeting in a non-voting capacity as a European Fifa Executive member, surely a phrase that goes some way to describing the often muddled politics of football’s governing body! Beckenbauer’s opinion on the change to the competition was that “The European Championships will not lose any quality by that.” Unfortunately, as great a player, manager and advocate of the game as he is, I have to question where Beckenbauer’s assurance on this matter comes from. In terms of why Uefa have decided they need to expand a competition that is currently popular and successful, I can see no real justification beyond the need to ensure that popular nations definitely qualify. This should in theory spare England any future embarrassment but surely this shouldn’t be the point, instead UEFA are deliberately starting to erode the competitive nature of the European Championships in favour of a widening commercial market.

than for

substance

In simple monetary terms Uefa and Fifa will gain enormously from T.V. and merchandising revenue generated by the eight extra nations who qualify for the tournament proper. Of course it could be argued that this increased capacity will help generate even more interest for the game of football, which can only be a good thing. This though is quite frankly, a sham of an argument. Football has widened it’s appeal massively over the decades and especially since the early nineties, any suggestion that it requires larger tournaments to entice the interest of even larger audiences world wide, is nothing better than a red herring to the real reasoning behind the decision. I’m afraid that the change in format to the European Championship is instead rather clearly motivated by money and business, and once again this shows how too much of modern football is being dictated by commercial values rather than sporting ones. If we look at the European Championships themselves, it is striking in how it differs to the World Cup. Obviously the World Cup is viewed as the premier international tournament, and in many ways it is, there is the history and glamour, and most importantly the title of being the best international team in the world. Alternatively the European Championships offer a simple, more elitist competition, qualification is tough and as England realised, far from guaranteed. With the current format there are four teams of four, and this leaves the system of seeding teams as a rather token gesture. With this streamlined format there is always an assured quality to the level of competition between teams, and although there is an established higher order of nations that consistently qualify, the European Championships have been as prone as any other competition to diverse/shock results. However often the World Cup delivers salivating football, it rarely presents us with “groups of death” that really deserve the name. With the recent European Championship, every neutral observer

Darren Douglas

was enthralled by the draw that placed the likes of Italy, Holland and France in the same group stage. With the impending format change it is far less likely that these so-called big nations will face such staunch tests in future, in fact the irony is that by expanding the capacity of the Euros, Uefa are not only diluting the quality of the competition but also making life for the larger nations that bit easier. Pardon me for not seeing the global picture, but Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d rather England fail to qualify for the European Championships, as was deserved, rather than flattering to deceive against opponents who had likewise failed to meet expectations.

THE FOOTBALL TEAM by rougerouge sourced at www.flickr.com

AD 35

How to...

Ian Shine

Write a football chant

What’s football without a good sing song? Absolutely nothing.

According to the media, footballers live like kings, cashing salary cheques the size of Neville Southall’s gut. But the real kings of the football ground are the terrace overlords who write the anthems that echo off the advertising hoardings like hymns off cathedral walls. Now why should you sit there like a pauper when you know you’ve got blue blood coursing through your veins? Don’t you deserve to hear the home faithful repeating your every word as they beat each other senseless to touch the hem of your away shirt and scramble around your feet for the flakey manna from your pasty? Of course you do. Well, it’s a good job for you that having studied the excellent fanchants.com and attained a BA (Hons) in chanting from The Open University, I am suitably equipped to provide you with a simple guide to writing your own football chant, isn’t it?

I hope that this helps with your quest for glory and that it’ll soon be your inane patter that we hear coming through the TV microphones.

Include plenty of repetition The last thing a bunch of pissed up fat guys on a Saturday want to do is use their brains, so make your chant as repetitive as possible. This Derby County chant is almost as close to repetitive perfection as is humanly possible, although in Heaven’s football matches against Hell, they apparently have chants consisting of only two words:

Could be worse, We could be Leeds, Could be worse, We could be Leeds… Did you know? Repetition has actually been clinically proven to reduce your IQ.

4.Tell

a story

While every bestseller has a pageturning plot, only about 52.67% of chants have one. If you choose to incorporate one into your chant, make sure it has a sting in the tail and has at least two characters in it that we can empathise with. Both techniques are exhibited in this Manchester United number:

I saw my mate the other day, He said to me he saw the white Pele, So I asked, who is he? He goes by the name of Wayne Rooney, Wayne Rooney, Wayne Rooney, He goes by the name of Wayne Rooney.

A simple rhyme is not only necessary but compulsory

Forget all those Nobel Prize winning poets with their half-rhyme, free verse and even terza rima. What we want is a straight AABB rhyme scheme, or even AAAA, as the Walsall massive demonstrate to deadly effect:

Fight, fight, whoever you may be, Because we are the boys from the black country. And we will fight you all, whoever you may be, Because we are the boys from the black country…

5.Harness

the power of animosity There’s no easier way to rile up the terrace monkeys than by playing to their bigoted views. Barnsley do it like this:

Stand up if you hate Wednesday, Stand up if you hate Wednesday... Whereas Liverpool do it like this: F*ck Off Chelsea FC, You ain’t got no history, Five European Cup’s and 18 leagues, That’s what we call history...

3 Use

words that aren’t actually words If you can’t find a word to rhyme with useless, substitute or wanker, then just invent one. Or, if you’re a Middlesbrough fan and don’t know any words at all, just invent loads of little words and stick them all together. Southgate’s boys always feel inspired when they hear this piece, entitled Pigbag, at three o’clock on a Saturday:

De de de de, de de de der, De de de de, de de de der, De de de de, de de de der, De de de de, de de de der...

6 Or

just say something totally random

If you’re too stupid to follow the five piss-easy steps above, then this sixth step is for you, if you’ve figured out how to scroll down this far. Don’t worry that you’ve got nothing to say because you never went to school and lost most of your brain cells when someone drove a forklift truck over your skull as a practical joke. Just say the first thing that comes into your head. That’s what the Wolves fans do, to the tune of “Always look on the bright side of life” no less:

Always s**t on a Tesco carrier bag, Always s**t on a Tesco carrier bag…

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