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How does one discipline during the 'Terrible Twos?' What happened? You wake up one day and discover that the sweet little angel that you were raising has suddenly turned into a hell raiser, a being who seems bent on defying you at every turn and has assigned himself or herself a task of destroying most of the items in your house. The child refuses to listen, go to bed, or eat at times. He/she commits acts of violence against siblings and says hurtful things to you. In deed it's like they have undergone a character transformation almost overnight. Well, you didn't think it would happen, but it did. The 'terrible twos' are upon you. So what next? You need to decide on the best course of action to ensure everyone's sane survival through the stage while at the same time positively molding your child's character. Q: What are 'terrible twos?' A: This is a developmental stage in toddlers characterized by defiance and temper tantrums Q: At what age do they start and how long do they last? A: Although called 'Terrible Twos' because the behavioral changes described usually occur at the age of two years, they can start earlier or even later. In some cases children as young as fifteen months or less have been known to exhibit behavior consistent with terrible twos. Q: What is a typical 'terrible twos' scenario? A: The hallmark of this stage is oppositional behaviour. The setting may be at home or in a public place, for example a shopping mall or a supermarket. The toddler might demand to be given something or refuse to do something they've been asked to do. The oppositional behavior may be accompanied by loud protest/demands, wailing, rolling on the ground or even banging the head on the floor or against a wall demanding that their demand be met. The wailing may get louder and more persistent regardless of the parent's efforts to calm the child or talk some sense into them. The child might also be bent on destruction of items in the house at such a time or saying hurting words to the parent. This scenario can go on for quite some time. Q: Why do these tantrums occur? A: It is an outward manifestation of a developmental stage. A child who is undergoing the behavioral transformations of the 'terrible twos' is actually expressing a greater awareness of both himself/herself and those around than he/she may have realized existed previously. This, combined with a lack of verbal communication skills may cause the child to become frustrated. He/ she will then act out this frustration in acts of defiance that appear to be merely selfish behavior. In
some cases it may be true that the child is exhibiting selfish behavior, since they're learning to stretch their boundaries and push their limits. Q: Do all children behave in this manner when they reach this stage? A: Individual variations occur. Some children go through this period with less drama than others. Apart from the degree of expression the time of onset also varies: while for many children the behavioral changes occur at about two years of age, for others they may occur earlier or later than this age. Q: Any tips on how to manage the child during this period? A: Since the behavior is basically due to the child wishing to make his/her own choices, this is exactly the way that you should work through this awkward stage. Offer your child limited choices whenever you can, including what he/she would like to wear, what he/she would like to eat, which book to read and so on. The key however is limited choice - usually no more than two options. Once your child has made his/her choice, you must also enforce it. This, unfortunately, does not mean the child will not change his/her mind! It may happen quite often because at this young age they are still trying to figure out personal preferences, but this does not mean that temper tantrums are acceptable alternatives. If you have offered your child a choice and negative behaviour still occurs, consistent discipline should result. The key to managing the 'terrible twos' is structure. You should set a schedule for your toddler, as difficult as this may be with your busy life. This is really the only stage in your child's development where a schedule needs to be adhered to, for the simple reason of maintaining the sanity of the entire family. Set strict limits, and do not stray from them when your child tries to stretch them. When it is needed, apply discipline in a consistent manner and pattern, so that the child does not receive a mixed message. It is also important that both parents give the same reinforcement to maintain consistency. Do not make threats that you will simply never back up. You can be sure that your child will stop falling for these once they sense that you are not going to carry through. For example, a supermarket scenario where the parent says,"Well, I guess we'll just leave you here in aisle three then!" Obviously this threat cannot be followed through. The key to discipline at any age, including the 'terrible twos,' is to understand why your child's behavior has undergone a change. So, instead of losing your cool, work with your child to offer him/her choices whenever possible. However, you must not allow their preferences to run your life. As a parent, you must still provide structure and support for your child, so do not be afraid to do just that. Though it may take years, the final outcome will have made the effort worthwhile. When you have to discipline the child, make sure you explain why you are doing so. Never give in to their tantrums. Sometimes nothing works and you just have to try your hardest to relax and not get stressed out over nothing working. They do outgrow the terrible twos, sometimes quickly and other times not until they go to school. It is important to bear in mind that your toddler is learning every day and your reactions will impact on how they will react to things as well. And remember to tell that toddler that you love them very much even when punishing them with a time out. Effective discipline during the 'terrible twos' starts with the parent. In truth, it may start long before the terrible twos do. If you spend enough time with your child, developing their communication
skills and abilities, chances are that you will not experience some of the more terrible aspects that 'terrible twos' can bring. The 'terrible twos' can be a trying time for any family, and even parents who understand this difficult developmental stage lose their patience with the constant negativity that toddlers often show. It will be very hard to remain calm when your child is outright defying you or throwing a screaming fit. However, it is imperative that you focus on the issue and push aside your frustration and anger. It is important to remember that punishing the child in anger may worsen the situation. This is the age at which the needs to start incorporating discipline techniques such as time outs and the taking away of privileges, in other words, things that a child will understand. The best discipline tool you will have at this developmental stage will be your own self-discipline. Many parents might cling to the idea that physical punishment is necessary at this stage, but the fact is that when this is applied it can make the situation much worse. More often than not, physical punishment is a sign of the parents' own frustration. Effective discipline during the 'terrible twos' starts with the parent. In fact it may start long before the terrible twos do. If you spend enough time with your child, developing their communication skills and abilities, it is likely that you will not experience some of the more terrible aspects that the terrible twos can bring.
Author: Mary S. Limbe For more articles on child health and development please visit the website: http://www.slessoronline.com Contact: info@slessoronline.com
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