Let it happen

I was eleven when Paramore’s Self-Titled album came out. Of course, I knew Paramore before then. I listened to Miracle religiously and I loved Brand New Eyes with every fiber of my being.

I didn’t know about fandom yet (a place where I would come to find people whom I love & adore so dearly I wish I could bathe them in their own light forever, but that’s for another day). Nor did I fully understand that I was at the precipice of something new. Something that would take me far away from my brain and catapult me into a world where you could feel your pain with no frills. To eleven year old me this album was a lifesaver.

Being incredibly sad at the prospect of growing up, being an “adult” and just feeling completely isolated from everyone around me. The feeling of being held back had always made me feel like a failure.

I was always standing on the edge of the water but never allowed to jump in. Like someone had glued my feet there and told me to try to reach out and touch what the future had in store. I couldn’t see it, I couldn’t feel it and it was hard to imagine a world where I existed not just as someone but as someone happy.

Now that I’m twenty-one songs like Last Hope & Part II, still resonate with me, it’s just much different. Like a light switch that had miraculously turned on I soon would come to realize that this was a different kind of cliff. This was the part where I decided to turn around and climb back down, this is where it ends. Not my childhood, or the ultimate sadness that has been strung throughout my bones like a piece in an art gallery; this is where I begin to heal even in the midst of chaos.

When Hayley Williams sweetly sang “A dream is all I have“ I knew I had found my place. A place where dreamers go.

Where we were going? No one really knew. That was the scary part but, Paramore had faced a lot of the unknown. If Hayley Williams was capable of fighting tooth and nail for a “silly” dream, it made me feel like I had a shot.

Still, this band makes me feel like I can really get through it and with two albums (as a band) since that 2013 release and another lineup change, Paramore continues to spit in the face of people who try to bury them; even when they become their own worst enemy.

As for me, I know that kid is still inside of me, I know that because I know her. I have a lot of questions, trying to untangle them sometimes feels like a chore.

That eleven year old girl who understood that Writing The Future was a feeling; It felt like the long car ride home when your mom picked you up from your cousins house and you want to fall asleep but you also want to keep this moment alive. The moment where you’re both calm happy and in tune with one another. A moment you want to crystallize and keep buried under your bed to take out when you’re having a bad day.

I think she was right, I think now I have the strength and understanding to stand up for her. Like Paramore, in “ Now “, I might’ve lost the battle but i’m winning the war.

I’m still alive and Paramore is still a band.

CREATE A WORK THAT REFLECTS ON WHAT IT MEANS TO WRITE THE FUTURE