three: Passion Project Spring 2019 by PassionProjectOnline

spring 2019 edition

t h r e e

To our readers, This zine represents the pieces, projects and ongoing podcasts that defined the hard work and heart that went into the 2019 Spring semester for Passion Project. These past four months have been focused around important issues such as stress, love, relationships, health, and identity. As students ourselves, we think it’s important to highlight stories of care within our community, celebrating the multiplicity of ways in which getting to know and take care of yourself can benefit other areas of your life. We are better off when we all spend our time talking about the things we love and why, rather than when we mull over the things we hate. As a student-organization, Passion Project is in a good position to do both of these things, but rather than put its focus on highlighting and exposing all of the ugliness, this publication has boosted and championed beauty. We see the uniqueness and value in our differences, but more specifically, in our individual passions. Passion is a word that you will see a lot on our website and in our magazine but it isn’t just a brand. It is a mission statement that has justified and validated all of the work we do. We hope this publication lives on long after we’re gone, and that it continues to shape the way the Ithaca College Community strives to listen and make space for the voices and stories that need to be out in the world. There is so much more to say, create and share, and it has been an honor being able to provide a platform that can do just that. Have a wonderful summer & keep on creating!

Sincerely, Your E-Board 1

CO- FOUNDER & DIGITAL DIRECTOR Kylee Roberts

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Nicki Diacik

EDITORIAL DIRECTOR Mila Phelps-Friedl

SENIOR PODCAST PRODUCER Edward Willshire

VISUAL EDITOR Curtis Hosang

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Rachel Warren

ASSISTANT EDITOR Kyle Dandrea

EVENTS COORDINATOR Cara Harbinger

ASSISTANT WEBSITE MANAGER Noa Covell

table of contents 4

The Skin You’re In: Textured Love // 4

Mind Your Body

Never That: Makeup Inclusivity// 8

10 12

April Feature: Stress Awareness

The Privilege of Mental Health Everything, Everything

The Skin You’re In: Life with Patches

18 19

Guided

Drinks with Twinks

Choking on Flowers

Self-Care is Not

KINKS

Loosely Defined: Bo(nus) levels | It’s a Good Time to be a Nerd

Bless This Mess

Whole Hearted: Oatmeal, A Love Story

38 40 42 43

February Feature: On The Topic Of Love PART I : In Celebration of Loving Love PART II: The Problem with Cinematic Love PART III : Becoming Better For Love PART IV: The Possibility of Self-Love

Birds and Black Girls

Climate TBD

The Life of Things

ITHACONversations

The Beauty in Being Alone

THE SKIN YOU’RE IN: TEXTURED LOVE Written by Kyle Dandrea

As I stare into the mirror, I hear a symphony of insults It’s not pimples. echoing from the villages that lie between the mountains It’s acne. standing tall upon my face. Acne is more than a random pimple or two that sprouts You look disgusting. when you are stressed out. It’s not just “part of being a You can’t go out like that. teenager” and it is most certainly not easy to get rid of. People won’t want to look at you. That’s not beautiful. Acne is waking up every morning and immediately stepping in front of the mirror to see how bad your face The only landscape I’ve never been infatuated by is the looks that day. It’s feeling your face throb without being only one I can really call my own. I’ve spent years fertilizing able to ease the pain. It’s making that pain worse by my blooming cheeks with chemicals, creams, and makeup picking and squeezing the living shit out of each and just to spare the rest of the world from seeing my true every zit (whether it’s ready to be popped or not). It’s a colors as they bloom across my face. nagging voice that interrupts your every conversation. It’s a cock block that will catch the eyes which were supposed Which is red. Always red. to lock with yours. I thought wearing red was supposed to make you feel powerful. It’s such an intense color that holds romance and passion within every hue, yet I feel the opposite when I look into every pore, every blemish, and every bump that has found its home on my cheeks. When my face is red it becomes a reflection of my spirit- irritated, angry, and stressed. My insecurities make my mind spin and spin and spin until suddenly have a new cluster of pimples. Not just one but four or five, which makes me feel even worse about everything. And anything.

If acne were a person it would definitely be the whitest and douchiest boy in the frat. Or Donald Trump. No, acne is better than Donald Trump. And that says a lot. Acne makes me believe I’m undeserving of love. It makes me feel like I’m not pretty enough to be looked at. It makes me flinch when I want to be touched and hide when I want to shine. How paralyzing it is to feel like you don’t even look like yourself. Photography by Nicki Diacik | 5

been telling myself I’m beautiful the exact way I would tell To not feel safe inside your own skin. my best friend, “shut up...look at yourself. You are fucking To feel as though your own flesh is a parasite on your soul. hot.” I hate when she can’t see her true beauty. To be detached from the beauty of your own being. I’ve been steering away from saying yes to things I don’t Conversations about acne with people who are fortunate want to do, and becoming unapologetic for letting go of enough to not understand it is one of the hardest things toxic people that drain my energy. about dealing with it. That’s when I began to notice how interconnected my “Have you been washing your face?” mind is with my body. No, my skin didn’t become clear by looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, you look You’ve got to be kidding me. good. But it definitely helped. When you send out an energy, it manifests. And your body reflects that. “Are you eating unhealthy?” No, and even if I was I’d still want to punch you. These days I have been loving myself like I love the moon and all its craters. I feel the bumpy textures under my “Stop putting on makeup, it’s bad for your skin.” fingertips and remind myself that even the most beautiful Actually my skin is bad for my skin. flowers must bloom before they blossom. That a volcano must erupt for there to be paradise. “Don’t touch it!” I can’t stop and I won’t. If I can constantly admire the perplexing imperfections of nature, why can’t I do the same when I look in the mirror? Some people have flawless skin. Perfect, almost. And I’ve spent years of my life comparing myself to them, looking up skin care routines trying to follow after someone else because whatever I’ve done hasn’t worked one fucking bit. I’ve worn makeup to go to the dentist. I’ve photoshopped pictures of myself. I’ve made my friends delete pictures of me in fear that the face behind the made-up mask would be exposed. I have actually cried just from looking in the mirror. But I haven’t given up. I could probably open my own shop with the amount of cleansers, creams, and medications I’ve tried over the years, none of which really helped. Because the thing about acne is … It always comes back. Maybe these insecurities started when I was called pizza face in middle school. Or when my ex-boyfriend told me I needed to use Proactive (one single pimple lasted longer than that relationship). Maybe I’m insecure because all I see on Instagram is models with perfect skin and influencers who never happen to look all-natural. I’ve endured a long, ten-year journey with acne and I have all the scars to show for it. Honestly, I have let it define me. I have let it dictate my actions, my words, and the way I talk to myself more than I would like to admit. Hours have been spent in front of the mirror, touching and picking and wishing I could just rip my entire flesh off of my body. 6

But lately I’ve been talking to myself differently. I’ve

Most people come across a problem in life and deal with it on their own or with the support of their closest friends, but I’m not like most people. I made a podcast about it.

ultrasound technology. Now everytime I put on a bra, take a shower, or apply deodorant, I clearly feel one of these move inside of me. Obviously, as a young person, this has affected many aspects of my life. It’s made me honestly despise my body more than ever. I have always felt insecure about my body. I have And, in result, I feel even worse. always been the tallest, skinniest girl in school. If there was a superlative for “Class String Bean” in My first episode is just about that experience. I felt the high school yearbook I would have actually won it would be unfair to have intimate conversations something. Other than my lankiness, I have always felt with my guests about their bodies and mental health unattractive because of the cohort of skin conditions without having shared the personal details of my own I have. My vitiligo, my acne, my psoriasis, and my journey. eczema have made me feel disgusted by my skin. My friend asked me to list my favorite physical features, Since I’m new to the Passion Project podcast scene, I I said my nose and my eyes, and then I could not list can’t quite tell you what I have learned from working anything else. I tried to say my legs but they are too on this podcast yet. What I can tell you though, is long and thin. I tried to say my stomach but then I my goal. For Mind Your Body my goal is to share the remembered how my vitiligo has spread onto it. I wish stories of people who don’t see and hear about their I could say that as I have gotten older I have learned bodies, and the histories of their bodies, outside of to love my body for what it is, but I just haven’t been their own narrative. And, like the title alludes to, I want able to. young people to start taking care of both their bodies and their minds. In my opinion, a way to do this is to To make things worse, a health condition arose in a have these difficult conversations so we can learn to part of my body that I have always been unhappy with love our bodies together. - my boobs. My boobs have always been made fun of because they basically sit flat on my chest. Ironically, Mind Your Body is a place where we can all come they finally started to grow within the last year or so, together and understand that we are complex but and then I found a lump in my left breast. I went to one deserving of self love above all else. doctor who then found six lumps, three in each breast. I went to another doctor who found about eight using - Bridget Bright Design by Bridget Bright | 7

NEVER THAT: MAKEUP INCLUSIVITY by Alexis Morillo and Alyssa Curtis

As the last two ready for the pregame because we’re baking our faces, we figured we’d start with a topic we know… makeup. We have some pretty strong opinions. When it comes to not being inclusive in the industry — never that.

The unwanted opinions don’t just come from men, and we acknowledge that. Women who judge other women for their makeup choices are just as bad. The people who speak negatively about individuals that choose to wear a lot makeup can inadvertently undermine and discourage the self expression and confidence that some receive TELLING SOMEONE THEY’RE WEARING TOO MUCH from wearing makeup. MAKEUP? NEVER THAT. TELLING SOMEONE THEY’RE NOT WEARING ENOUGH First of all, no one should ever tell anyone that they’re MAKEUP? NEVER THAT. wearing too much makeup. If a person wants to wear natural makeup, no makeup at all, or a full face beat then While a full beat face with a chiseled contour has become that’s their prerogative. Saying, “you look just as good a new standard for beauty, it’s still not for everyone, and without makeup!” as a compliment rubs us the wrong there’s no problem with that. Some people don’t feel way. When we go in on our face, we don’t want people the urge to wake up an hour early to powder their face. to think we look the same as we do when we roll out People have different comfort levels with cosmetics, and of bed for our 8ams. Women don’t do their makeup to the industry is taking note of this. impress men who wouldn’t know the difference between a warm and cool undertone if they tried. A 2017 study The popularity of brands like Glossier and Milk Makeup by cosmetic brand Sally Hansen and Ipsos found that “84 that advertise a “no makeup,” look, has skyrocketed. percent of women say beauty can be empowering, which These companies pride themselves on their ability to challenges the notion that women don’t genuinely enjoy give customers a natural look and feel, enhancing certain makeup.” features rather than totally concealing them with more product. And on the off-chance we do want to do something to Glossier has reached cult-favorite status over the last impress people we’ve got other ways to do so — like, two years because of their brand identity and online maybe, our dazzling personalities? marketing, according to Business Insider. In an interview with The Cut, Glossier CEO Emily Weiss said that their 8 | Photo courtesy of Alexis Morillo, Logo by Nicki Diacik sixth floor, New York City showroom, generates more

sales revenue per square foot than the average Apple like Manny MUA, James Charles, Bretman Rock, and store. Jeffree Star have found celebrity on their beauty Youtube channels. All of these men either have their own makeup It’s nobody’s business how much makeup one decides lines or have collaborated with some of the biggest to wear, but with the industry now capitalizing off the names in the makeup industry like Covergirl and Morphe. “natural look,” it’s clear that how people choose to use The dispelling of gendered norms in cosmetics isn’t a their cosmetics is being noticed. The choice is in the new phenomenon. hands of the individual and there are enough products out there for everyone to achieve their preferred look. Too often people forget that just because something isn’t at the forefront of society doesn’t mean people aren’t THINKING MAKEUP IS JUST FOR GIRLS? NEVER THAT. doing it. Male figures in the beauty industry have been around long before James Charles started opening his Recently, antiquated definitions of femininity and videos by saying “hey sisters.” There’s more male celebrity masculinity are being questioned. Now, femininity doesn’t makeup artists than people recognize, and they don’t just have to be a cherubic, natural face or a completely made do drag like many assume because of their preconceived up mug. Reported by OxfordStudent.com, in ancient notions. Beyoncé’s makeup artist, Sir John, has been in Egypt and China, makeup was a symbol across genders the industry since about 2009. Before Sir John there was of high social status. Kevin Aucoin and before Aucoin was Way Bandy. Bandy began in the 70’s and has paved the way for the males in Over the last few years, we’ve seen gender ideologies makeup who rack up millions of subscribers today. completely turned on their head. According to Mintel, beauty launches targeted at men have increased 70% Despite the recent strides toward inclusivity in beauty, between 2007 and 2012. As avid watchers of the Youtube there is still a long way to go. There is a lot of work to beauty community, we’ve seen the figureheads that be done about shade range inclusivity and the way big test the belief that makeup is only for girls. For a more brands in the industry monopolize on different products, localized example, if you’ve been to the basement of and those are really just scratching the surface. What it Park while they film for ICTV, you’ve definitely seen boys comes down to is this question: wearing makeup as they’re required to have foundation to make their faces camera ready. How can we expect makeup business models to respect us when some people are still out here judging others But boys wearing makeup has become an act of for their use or lack thereof when it comes to cosmetics? enjoyment and not just employment. Many individuals Honestly… Never That. 9

THE PRIVILEDGE OF MENTAL HEALTH by Segaro “Bo” Bozart

“Mental health” wasn’t something I took seriously until I Time passed, I started working in the Center for the hit my lowest point. Study of Race, Culture and Ethnicity, I was exposed to more discussion surrounding mental health pertaining I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about it, so obviously I specifically to minority groups. I already knew that being went to the internet for answers. Overtime, I found solace a minority in America was stressful. It’s a country built for in the fact that I wasn’t the only one who felt helpless, but white faces off of the backs of colored bodies. I also wondered why I wasn’t exposed to the conversation prior to my “rock bottom” moment. Today, there are major systems still in place that make it hard for anyone but those white faces to succeed. But we I honestly didn’t feel the words “depressed” or “anxious” already knew that. What I hadn’t considered was the toll it applied to me until the symptoms were listed to me at took on the collective minority well-being and the mental college orientation and even then, I had no idea what to health of colored individuals. do about it.

Racial privilege restricts opportunity from minority groups in almost every aspect of American life, and it is especially and unfortunately true regarding mental health treatment. 10 | Illustration by Nicki Diacik

I was born in Inglewood, CA, but I was raised in Santa Clarita, a relatively-wealthy white suburb north of LA. I experienced racism growing up, but frankly I didn’t pick up on most of it until I got to college and realized a lot of what I considered “funny” back then was at the expense of my sense of self.

parents worked their asses off to move me out of the ghetto at a young age. I realize there are a lot of people who look like me without being born into economic privilege, and I also realize without my privilege, I wouldn’t be nearly as stable as I am now.

Dr. Courtney Ferrell Aklin, the Chief of Staff at the National Institute on Minority Health and Health Disparities has Whenever I would try to open up about my headspace discussed the impact of the “stigma” surrounding mental with my parents, they would feel guilty for having failed health in minority communities. According to Aklin, “... mental illness carries the highest disease burden among their son. They worked hard to move their black boy out all diseases, with devastating effects on daily functioning; of the ghetto, only for him to feel alienated by the lack of personal, social, and occupational impairment; and a black community in his new neighborhood. premature death if left untreated.” Entirely to my parent’s credit, I have yet to experience any relative hardship. I was exposed to and walked through the signs of depression at an over-priced, private, liberal arts college. I’ve been told how to cope with my depression and I have access to resources to help me along the way. Over time, I’ve developed a stable emotional support system through new and healthy friendships. I say all of this as a college educated man coming from suburbanass southern California. Sure, I’m still “depressed” but I am privileged as fuck to even know I’m depressed in the first place.

In other words, if your family is trying to work their way into a new neighborhood, your “feelings” shouldn’t take up valuable work time. And even if you were able to take the time to focus on helping yourself, it’s not as easy as saying, “I want to be better.” When it comes to actually getting help, minority groups have trouble getting access to adequate mental health resources, finding the time to go and making sure they have transportation to get there.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) explains The only reason I feel so comfortable and open talking that even with access to adequate mental health resources, about my mental health is because I was provided there is still the possibility of experiencing racism or bias tremendous amounts of opportunities growing up. The while trying to receive treatment. only reason I had those opportunities is because my

Getting through the door is one thing, making sure you’re in the right place is another, and having the strength to continue the self-healing process sounds near impossible. Now imagine all of that without speaking English as a first language. Taking down “systemic depression” would probably involve some kind of marxist overthrow. I’m down, I just don’t see it happening anytime soon. In the meantime though, I believe the first step is being open, honest and accepting of our own mental health and the mental health of others.

It shouldn’t be taboo to say you’re upset and if you “don’t get why someone’s upset” or “don’t understand depression”, then try. Make sure they feel heard instead of telling them “You’re crazy” or “You’re fine” because neither of those things are true. It’s okay to get help, it’s okay to tell other people you need help, and if someone tries to tell you “you don’t need help,” tell them to go fuck themselves (respectfully).

EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING by Kyle Dandrea

3:02 am the whole city is breathing peacefully to the sound of the rain tapping on the windows yet my thoughts are the loudest storm. there is no clock on the wall but I can still hear it ticking, a constant echo warning me that there isn’t enough time. not enough time to do all of the things I need to do. or want to do. instead, I do nothing at all. instead, I run through every conversation I had today and criticize myself for all the things I said. or didn’t say. I run through tomorrow’s schedule about five times, with each adding one more task I probably won’t get to anyway. I create crazy scenarios and what-ifs and I toss and I turn and I count numbers and sheep and I turn on white noise just so something can distract my brain from itself. for once. but the voices in my head never shut off. it’s afternoon now. I am sitting quietly but the world feels so loud. I’m sweating through my shirt and my palms are I wake up in the morning exhausted from my short nights clammy and my leg hasn’t stopped shaking, not even sleep but my mind is still restless. I might put on three once. I just picked my fingernail until it bled and now it’s different shirts before I pick one because somehow there bleeding is a right and wrong decision. I check my phone. what was only a minute felt like an hour. I run back and forth from my and I hope no one is looking at it. they might find it gross. bedroom to the kitchen to the bathroom in constant worry I have forgotten something. I take my medicine. sometimes I smile at my friends so they know that I’m okay. because I don’t because I convince myself they don’t help me. that I am okay, I think. this is what it’s always been like. but maybe those pills are just slowly killing me a little more maybe they just don’t get it. to be honest, they probably each day. I think about what I’m going to eat for so long don’t. they don’t always understand why I cancelled the that all I have time for now is to grab a granola bar and go. plans I was beyond excited for. or why the assignment wait, where are my keys? I worked on for three hours still isn’t finished. or why I didn’t text them back for two days. or why I spent too long I frantically pick up everything off of my dresser and rip worrying about my appearance when they know I don’t clothes out of my drawers and the covers off of my already care to impress anyone. unmade bed because if I can’t find my keys my life is over. oh. never mind. my mind was moving so fast I didn’t even I get home and I tiptoe around the clothes scattered across realize I had already put them in my jacket pocket. two the wood floor. I find a space on my messy dresser and fill minutes ago. it with my keys, my phone, pocket change, and wrappers. as I head out the door I look at the clothes scattered across It’s too messy for me to clean so instead i ignore it. I plop the floor. the messy bed. the unopened envelope I haven’t myself down on my bed. I unravel the balled-up covers had the courage to tear apart because I already know I that are now kissing the floor and throw them on myself, have a bill to pay with money I don’t have. the light blue enough to drown my entire face. there is still so much I shirt I still have to return to my dear friend who was kind need to do, but the only thing I can get myself to do right enough to let me borrow it, a month ago. now is lay here. and feel everything at once my safe space is too cluttered to even feel like a space at while feeling nothing at all. all. this is my anxiety. 12 | Photo courtesy of Kyle Dandrea

LEARY E K A J , T S O BY H I revere Ralph Breaks the Internet. It’s a movie that affected me so powerfully I had an emotional breakdown on public transport. A movie I spent hours espousing to anyone misfortunate enough to come near me. And a movie that came and went; one that most viewers liked but few loved. And yet it wrecked me. I sat in the dark theater — the credits rolling, the kids bouncing towards the exits, the tears rolling down my cheeks — unmoored, inconsolable, a little freaked out. Somehow a movie, a commercial, big budget, children’s adventure perfectly encapsulated a long running anxiety. Though largely an internet parody, the film also tackles toxic relationships which I summed up towards the end of my review. “For all the other crucial messages featured in Ralph Breaks the Internet, the idea of love being a choice — not something owed or deserved — is the film’s most potent. In the end, Vanellope forgives Ralph (it’s still a Disney movie) because she loves him, but she doesn’t have to. The viewer knows it; characters remark upon it. Like a real relationship, Ralph and Vanellope’s is complicated and imperfect.” On its face, the film concludes with the power of friendship — shocker, I know. In another story, absorbed at another time, I would’ve found the message trite, insufferable and easy. But the cosmic cocktail of neuroses and self doubt conspired to kick me in the emotional pants. The material, though hashed out elsewhere, often, expressed the perfect idea in a perfect way for me at the time. Watching a messy, misguided relationship fracture, break, reform and forever change resonated clicked: I was seven months into my first serious

relationship and feared obsession or jealousy or shitty early 20-year-old manness. I saw in Ralph a worst case scenario: a manifestation of everything I feared to be. I saw all that in a movie about an ape man and his candy friend. *** Over the last few months, I’ve thought a lot about Ralph Breaks the Internet. And Peter Rabbit. And Mama Mia! Here We Go Again. And all the other awful, terrible, shallow movies I loved in 2018 alone. I think about why I care about them and how much I have to say about each (and all three together). Then I think about the similar (if slightly less maudlin) stories I’ve heard since starting Overlooked: an excited kaiju enthusiasts schlepping hundreds of miles to see the newest godzilla, or a student so entranced by Trolls (2016) she dedicated a birthday party to them. So often I’ll a guest will camp out on a seemingly innocuous moment, charging it with individual significance. I love those unexpected moments — it’s what I hoped Overlooked could be. Yes, it’s an excuse to watch more movies, but it’s also a chance to talk to someone about a low stakes passion; they don’t have to own its creation, just celebrate its accomplishments. The show is also a chance to bring on an exceedingly knowledgeable group of people who could speak to movies left out of film boi circles (I could die a happy death without hearing more smug praise of Tarantino). And frankly, why would you want to hear regurgitated praise of lauded films when myriad marvelous and undiscovered stories wait await discovery. Everyone has a Ralph Breaks the Internet.

THE SKIN YOU’RE IN: LIFE WITH PATCHES by Bridget Bright

I stand in my bathroom hidden inside the fog-like steam. Droplets of water drip down my back and my thighs. My hair clings to my neck and my shoulders. I stare at the hazy reflection where the only detail I can make out is the shape of my body. It is fair in color, with dusty rose highlights where my shoulders and chest remained warm from the hot water. My broad shoulders extend past the length of my hips. My arms and legs are long and pointed. As I have grown, my body has retained these traits. The dimensions are familiar, that is me. The pit of my stomach turns as I stand with my hair dripping onto the bath mat. What I will see in the reflection is unknown to me. I have a couple of surgical scars under my breasts that I angle my head in a way so that I avoid seeing them. The mist fades off of the mirror from top to bottom. I check my face to see if my acne calmed in the shower. It didn’t. I check my breasts to see if my scars disappeared. They didn’t. I check my neck to see if my psoriasis healed. It didn’t. I check my elbow to see if my eczema patches cleared. They didn’t. These are just nuisances on my body. I have been treating my acne, eczema, and psoriasis for about eight years or so. They never fully go away. I have tried countless medications for my eczema and psoriasis but it always resurfaces to sometimes painfully itchy patches that I am embarrassed to have seen by others. I say that I am an open book, but these are daily struggles I have that only my mother and my doctor have fully heard about. This has just become a part of my life that I have learned to accept. What I can’t accept is the part of my skin that takes up 25% of my skin’s surface. It is my Vitiligo.

14 | Illustrated by Bridget Bright

Vitiligo is a skin condition where a person’s skin loses When I went to a local dermatologist. She inspected my partial pigment on their skin and hair. This makes it more arm for a while and then she brought out what looks like visible on people with dark completions and hair, but it a handheld blacklight. affects people of all races and ethnicities. “What could this be for?” I thought. It was spring when I first discovered my vitiligo. I was about fourteen. I noticed that the entire forearm of my left She told me that there were two potential diagnoses. arm was a stark white color in comparison to the pinkybeige skin that swirled around it. “There is one that would be okay, and I will only explain the second possibility if your skin glows,” she said. I am in an extremely privileged position when it comes to having vitiligo. I am white and embarrassingly pale, I chuckled and thought to myself, “I think I would know if so my patches are easily missed in the winter months I had a superpower of glowing in the dark.” when I haven’t been exposed to the sun. People of darker complexions don’t have that luxury. I have read too The dermatologist then flicked the lights off and the many accounts of women in South Asia particularly, but black light flickered on. She ran it over her arm and hand unfortunately this likely happens across many different to show me that it wouldn’t hurt and to show me how her communities throughout the world, where women with healthy skin would look under the light. vitiligo are abused and discriminated against for these uncontrollable changes in their pigmentation. “I’m going to put it over your arm now, ready?” she said. I nodded. 15

swim shorts instead of bikini bottoms because I was afraid people would be disgusted or confused by the way my skin broke out into patches of white. I never posted a picture on social media where my vitiligo is identifiable before this past summer, five years after my diagnosis. With the first two people I dated, I refused to take off my shirt and my pants when I was around them. They obviously both knew about it because it was visible on my arms and shoulders, but in my head, it made me less attractive, especially on my chest, hips and butt. To this day I am still not fully comfortable with it, as it spreads on my body every single day. When I think about my vitiligo or see it while I’m showering, it consumes my thoughts.

She moved the light to hover over my arm and it became bright and reflective. My arm was glowing.

So, I get out of the shower and stand in front of the mirror. Water dripping off of my body. I wait for the haze to melt off of the mirror and I look at the white patches. I have mental notes of where I saw the lines last. I think I have my body memorized. I think I know where the white lines end. But I never really do. They are always growing, spreading through my body.

She explained that this was vitiligo, asking if I had noticed a lack of pigment on other parts of my skin and on my hair. At the time, I was only aware of the singular, large white patch on my forearm. She explained that it will likely grow, that there is no known cause and therefore there is no known cure. She said “be sure to use extra sunscreen this summer” and then sent me out the door with a brochure titled “Vitiligo”. The initial diagnosis didn’t phase me. It was just another thing added to my list of skin ailments and that was it. Now looking back through my “vitiligo journey,” it hasn’t been easy. Vitiligo typically starts in one small area and then spreads to other parts of a person’s body. Mine started on my left forearm, but it has now stretched all the way through my left arm, shoulders, chest, torso, waist, and other random patches (it typically spreads to where I have had patches of eczema). For a while, I hid it behind bracelets and long sleeves. 16 Throughout high school, I would wear high waisted

The Signs that Guide Us: Pisces Photography by Brielle Cruz

GUIDED By Sarah Kane and Sierra Baker What started out as a pun has now developed into an awesome series! Sarah and Sierra were hopeful and naive sophomores when they started their Passion Project podcast, Guided. Both being Park Communications students, they were intrigued by the new platforms in which people can communicate, especially podcasts. Their tour guide endeavors had inspired them to change the medium in which they reached prospective students. So they thought, why not make the information on tours more accessible, personal, and fun? This past year, they’ve been able to feature members of the faculty, staff, and student body. While they covered topics encompassing student life, they were able to answer common questions, share experiences, and even spark conversations that more often than not lead them on tangents about the overall Ithaca experience. Their episodes range in topics from the admission process and what college admissions counselors look for, all the way to seniors and their ambiguous questions leading up to graduation. As podcast rookies, they learned so much. Each episode has given them the opportunity to find their voices, slowly becoming more and more comfortable speaking to their audience. They’ve learned not to get embarrassed when a train of thought was lost and tangents had no clear conclusion. Becoming more comfortable conversing as their genuine selves to their listeners, not holding back or concealing their true responses. Given the podcast’s episodes are heavily based on 18 addressing college processes that they’re curious

about, the two weren’t afraid to be as open and accepting to the unique perspectives that walk Ithaca’s campus. One of their favorite interviews was with a young admissions counselor, named Trevor, where they talked about the social development that college provides for students. Questioning whether or not college is more of an intellectual growth period or social growth; if students learn more academically in class or when exposed to residential communities and the youngadult culture. Trevor concluded that he learned more about consequences, limits, and expectations through the interactions he had as a leader of his fraternity, more than he ever had in class lectures. Claiming that college is way more than the classes and organizations you’re a part of but instead more about the people you interact and socialize with within those activities. Unfortunately, the episode was lost due to technical difficulties, but the two were thankful for the discussion they had. Listening to Trevor’s college process and experience was insightful but an even important lesson was learning to doublecheck that the batteries of their Tascam are fully charged, before starting a recording session. According to Trevor, every podcast needs a “lost episode” and he is grateful to be ours. Now nearing the end of the year the girls can confidently say they’ve made wonderful memories and have grasped a better understanding of all the different perspectives and knowledge higher education can introduce students to. Sarah and Sierra also want to thank Passion Project for the resources and opportunity to help enhance their own college experience through the production of Guided. With absolutely no set agenda, join them as they discuss more of the essence of being a college student and conceptualize the overall college experience next semester.

THE BEAUTY IN BEING ALONE by Mila Phelps-Friedl

There is a difference between being lonely and being alone. Loneliness can creep in at strange moments. Stagnant silence when you wish someone else was speaking. A kind of hollowness or projected feeling when you remember something or one that used to be. Loneliness can be a point of comparison while aloneness is a state of being. As human beings, we strive for community. The feeling of belonging is something we psychologically crave. And by no means is this a bad thing — if you’re happiest in a crowd of people, more power to you. However, that doesn’t mean that those who are alone, are doing something wrong. The great writer Susan Orleans once wrote a piece centered around Saturday nights. What we do during them, why they’re important to us, and, perhaps most significantly, why we feel the need to be social on Saturdays out of all the days of the week. Since she wrote it impeccably better than I could ever paraphrase, “Saturday night is when you do what you want to do and not what you have to do. In the extreme, this leads to what I think of as the Fun Imperative: the sensation that a Saturday night not devoted to having a good time is a major human failure and possible evidence of a character flaw.” Photo courtesy of Mila Phelps-Friedl | 19

Orleans is perfectly highlighting the very human flaw of comparison, hammered into us since we were birthed as social beings. *** While I lived in Paris, I tried desperately not to compare. But I also faced not belonging to the culture, not always understanding the language, and being a continent away from those I loved the most. I lived in a tiny, one room apartment with ceiling-high windows and whispery curtains that breathed in French air. I lived on Boulevard de Reuilly, took the Métro line 8 to my classes each day, and despite being constantly surrounded by people — I spent a majority of my time, in varying states of aloneness. At first it was out of circumstance, and for a while I was both alone and lonely — a combination that’s somehow dreadfully poetic with the cloudy skies and stoic landmarks in the city of lights and love. However, what started out as circumstantial, slowly became preferential. Eventually, I reveled in the adventures I could savor on my own. With a mask of anonymity and only conversational French as my backup — I found myself in a place that didn’t judge me for taking the time to just be with myself. I made a game of getting off at a different Métro stop each day. Once I found a castle at the end of a garden, the Seine lapping at my heels across the prettiest bridges. I went to dinners alone and took myself out to the movies, a familiar kind of solo-activity. Art museums in Paris provided hours of self-reflection, within inches of Degas’ oil pastels — I consider myself incredibly lucky. There was a moment, as I watched the rain trickle down a statue in the Jardin des Tuileries, that I realized I’d never really given myself the space to find out what I actually enjoyed about my life. I’d always had stirrings of individuality, but I’d gotten used to feigning excitement over things I didn’t actually care about. And in those moments, I was lonely. In a crowd of people, with someone I’d loved, even with the closest of friends. I was unhappy in places I might’ve 20 been happy, if I’d just taken a breath, stepped back

and looked to see if any of that was where or who I really We’ve overly associated being alone with being lonely, wanted to be. and learned to count both of them as negative and shameful things. Based on the work of University of Chicago social neuroscientist, John T. Cacioppo and his ghost-writer I’ve come to consider loneliness as an indicator that William Patrick, there are three major factors contributing something may not be right with where I am, rather to how lonely we actually may feel. First, the level of than that there’s something wrong with me. Because I’m vulnerability we are already feeling, coupled with how comfortable in the moments I’m alone, I know that if I’m socially connected, or disconnected we are from our unhappy and I leave — it is unlikely I will be lonely. I trust peers. myself to know what makes me feel like me. And in those moments, I am truly all I need. The second aspect hinges on our ability to regulate and control our emotions surrounding the response to A heart is still a heart when it’s not attached to someone feeling lonely. If we are sad because we’re alone, do we else. A person is still whole when they don’t always share find something that makes us happy? Or do we choose to themselves with others. wallow, allowing the feeling of rejection or hurt to cloud all impressions of the people or situations around us? We need to talk about the fact that being alone and being lonely are incredibly different things and we The third is a question of how we are able to reason need to recognize that not everyone draws their joy from or come to terms with whatever is making us feel so the constancy of others. goddamn lonely in the first place. Being alone with yourself and accepting whatever you’ve According to Ph.D Karyn Hall of Psychology Today, got, is one of the the most powerful things that you can “Feeling lonely does not mean you have deficient do — especially in a world that defines social interaction as social skills, but apparently feeling lonely makes people a measure of maturity, likability and societal significance. less likely or able to use the skills they have.” And so Orlean’s “Fun Imperative,” resurfaces in the form of a selfdestructive cycle. 21

Drinks with Twinks is a concept that we have had for a while. We came to college still not 100% comfortable with our sexuality, but through meeting each other, we have both been able to grow and learn to love ourselves unconditionally. We have been roommates since freshman year. We do everything together, and the two of us have so much in common, and are both so passionate about a lot of the same issues, so we felt it was necessary to share our voices at Ithaca College. This podcast has not only allowed us to talk about these passions, but it has given us the chance to be our most authentic selves, completely unapologetically. We want to use the privilege of this platform to make a difference not only to the students of Ithaca but with everyone who listens to our show. Although we are not where we were as a society 10 years ago, we are certainly still not where we need to be. We want to do our part in the progression of our country, no matter how small a contribution. The original purpose of this project was comedic. We wanted to make people laugh by being completely raw and having no boundaries. While we still want to entertain, it has become much more than that. We are able to educate our peers on subjects they haven’t ever thought about. It’s also

been a process where we both have been able to grow and learn as well. We have had the chance to meet some amazing new people who have taught us so much. Not to mention being able to check straight people on their internalized homophobia, which is always fun. The main thing we’ve taken away from hosting this podcast is a certain level of self-confidence. What we talk about and say on our show are things we constantly think about and discuss with our friends, but to be able to secure a platform to share our experiences has given us a newfound sense of pride. We have had people we don’t know come up to us at 1AM in the Commons to tell us how much they love our show. We don’t think we are doing anything really special, just being 100% ourselves, and we’ve learned that that is something people appreciate. We are so lucky to live somewhere where most people don’t think twice about sexuality, because we know not everyone can say they feel as comfortable as us. We want to acknowledge the privilege we’ve been given to be able to speak so publicly. We do this show in honor and solidarity of our fellow queer identities all over the world who are not as fortunate.

DRINKS WITH TWINKS

The Signs that Guide Us: Cancer Photography by Brielle Cruz

CHOKING ON FLOWERS

CHOKING ON FLOWERS by Olivia Acuña

Sometimes you long for the feeling of being back with your ex, remembering all the beautiful moments you had together while forgetting the reasons you broke up. I hope to convey the nostalgic emotions you get when you look back on your old relationships through this series. The bittersweet memories you relive when you look through old keepsakes and objects you just can’t seem to let go of. This photo series came to me when I was cleaning my room, 2 months after my break up. I had found the photos, love letters and the gifts he had given me. These objects didn’t hurt me the way I thought they would. I expected that it would be soul crushing to find these items again. I sat with them for a while, I remember smiling and thinking back to the old memories. I read the letters and a part of me got very sad and longed for those moments again. I longed to be loved and thought to myself, maybe we could work it out, maybe the bad stuff wasn’t as bad as I thought. I put the letters and photos back in the bottom of my drawer and reality hit. I realized that we weren’t together for a reason but I am still allowed to appreciate the times we had. I wanted to capture these strong and complex feelings and so this project was born. I figured it would be healthy for me and might help me to move on from my breakup. I wanted to capture these feelings in a beautiful and delicate way, I didn’t want to make it seem like angry or resentful, but appreciative, sad and nostalgic. I decided to use the old photos of us that I had, but I didn’t want to show his face out of consideration so I drew over them with paint markers. I made him into a ghost in two of the photos, which is kind of symbolic of the way our relationship vanished. I based the color scheme around a sheet of fabric from the vintage store, and found a vintage postcard and orange flower to go with it. The post card says “sweet memories link past and present” which I felt like was fitting for the nostalgia theme. While I took these photos I blasted the Call Me By Your Name soundtrack and really got into my feelings. This series was very personal to me and making it was therapeutic, it made me come to terms with my break up and see it in a positive light. It made it into something beautiful. 26

SELF CARE IS NOT By Alexis Morillo

For Starters, self-care is NOT:

It’s keeping some secrets all for you, knowing when it’s best to share secrets with others.

1. Texting that boy back after midnight to tell him “wya” because you want the instant gratification. Self care is going to bed early, not caring what everyone at the bar is posting on their Snapchat story. 2. Skipping dinner so you look extra skinny in the It’s deleting them from social media so you don’t have to photos you take on Friday night. see their name or face. 3. Depending on that extra drink just because you had It’s the sweat beading down your face at the gym not a rough week. caring who else is there to see you. 4. Holding in your tears because you don’t want to mess up your makeup or wake up your roommates.

Self care is looking in the mirror at all the curves and edges of your body — even the extra ones — and thanking 5. Posting that photo of the candle you lit, or the diary them all for getting you to the places you need to go and you’re writing in, just so people on the internet know doing the things that you need to do. you’re doing it. Self care is breakfast and lunch and dinner and maybe Self care is saying “no” to an obligation that you know even dessert. would be too much. It’s acknowledging when you’re not It’s the playlist full of songs that you scream even though okay and doing something about it. you can’t hit a single note of the chorus. Self care is taking a selfie on your phone for no one to see but yourself. It’s calling your mom in between classes just to hear her voice. It’s wearing what you wore to bed to class so you can get those few extra moments of sleep if you want them.

28 | Photo courtesy of Alexis Morillo

Self care is not performative or competitive. It’s not about views or likes or having other people know. Self care is knowing some things need to change and not setting a time limit for when that change happens. Self care is a process, not linear nor sensical, but necessary all the same. care is for you, so make sure that you’re the one you’re doing it for.

KINKS

In the last episode of KINKS, April, Candace and Kylee say goodbye to the podcast that connected them to each other and to other black women who felt unheard at Ithaca College. Through a series of trials and tribulations, the KINKS host did what they could to keep the show going past their graduation. Sadly, this isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t meant to be. However, in a bittersweet way KINKS will always be a part of their college experience, how they grew their senior year and how they will further see predominantly white institutions outside of this private college. So thank you for listening and as always, stay kinky.

Photography by Bailey Becher | 29

LOOSELY DEFINED BO(NUS) LEVELS: IT’S A GOOD TIME TO BE A NERD by Segaro Bozart

It’s hard to think about “This day and age” without being bombarded with bad news. Even I’ve never considered myself a particularly optimistic person and I often have trouble appreciating the present for what it is. That said, when The Avengers release in 2012, I remember walking out of the theater repeating, “God. It is such a great time to be a nerd”, and I genuinely feel like I’ve said that every year since. For those of you who still aren’t comfortable identifying

Thanks in no small part to the fantastic directors, effects specialists, screenwriters and obviously the actors, the Marvel Cinematic Universe (so far) has provided some of the most visually spectacular and emotionally fulfilling films since the original Iron Man back in 2008. They aren’t just movies anymore, they’re global events. With the release of Avengers: Endgame marking the end of the recently-dubbed “Infinity Saga”, fans can expect a new direction, a new team, and a new overarching narrative to take down bad guys in the years to come.

as a “nerd”, here are a few reasons why I think you should If superheroes aren’t your thing, why not try some good jump into nerd culture now more than ever. old fashioned Sci-Fi? Movies like Annihilation, Arrival, and Blade Runner 2049 are incredible entry points to scienceMarvel movies are every bit as good as people hype fiction film. They ask deep questions about humanity and them up to be. Avengers: Infinity War is this generation’s the existence of the soul and the sanctity of self and just Empire Strikes Back, and I feel completely confident please, please watch them. making this statement on the internet and I welcome opposition because I know they’re wrong. As a DC “God. It is such a great time to be a nerd” fanboy, I personally never thought I’d see the day where the movies about Ant-Man are consistently better than If you’re looking for something to binge, check out shows like Netflix’s Altered Carbon, Maniac, or Stranger Things. the movies about Batman and Superman, but here we CBS Access has shows like Star Trek Discovery and Jordan are. Peele’s Twilight Zone reboot. There are so many options to choose from, you just have to find the right show/ Kevin Feige, the president of Marvel Studios, has kept setting/concept that works for you. nerds around the world on the edge of their seats for 30 | Illustration by Nicki Diacik over a decade now.

The best sci-fi (in my opinion) can take the audience to a every year since 2015. new and exciting setting while evoking extremely personal questions about identity and society and I feel like these films and shows explore those themes extremely well. And those are just this year’s games. For all of my beautiful nerds of color, we’re finally being represented with actual care! I know I gushed about Marvel already, but holy shit Black Panther was genuinely great. Not just a great Marvel movie, or a great “black” movie, just a great movie that has me tearing up just thinking about it.

Last year’s God of War (2018) and Red Dead Redemption 2 are technical masterpieces and the epitome of compelling interactive storytelling. They pushed the medium forward and have changed how I look at games and art in general. Without mentioning the release of the Nintendo Switch in 2017 or the potential Google’s Stadia holds for the future of gaming, I can safely say that now is Captain Marvel and Wonder Woman finally provided the best time to be a gamer. good films for two of the most badass women in comic book history (no, Cat Woman doesn’t count). Games Nerds have been blessed with both the quantity and like Apex Legends and Overwatch are regularly adding the quality of nerdy content. As high concept fantasy characters from all kinds of racial, gender, and sexual and science-fiction become more normalized and identities. popularized, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t be able These days, nerd culture is more inclusive than ever and to find something you love. I believe everyone is a nerd it will only get better with time. Regardless of how you in some regard, they just have to find what makes them identify, it’s getting easier to find a game, movie, with nerd out. characters that actually reflect who you are instead of “generic white guy with gun.” In 2019, I genuinely think it’s easier than ever to find something that makes you nerd out, so venture forth and Finally, and I know this is going to sound like a start geeking! contradiction, but it has been the “Best Year For Games” - The Witcher 3 - Overwatch - Metal Gear Solid V - Grand Theft Auto V - Fortnite - Uncharted 4

- Bloodborne - Horizon: Zero Dawn - Persona 5 - Super Mario Odyssey - The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

OLIVIA ACUNAâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S PRODUCTION OF

BLESS THIS MESS By

KYLEE ROBERTS

When our Editorial Director asked me to write about my stress management, it came from the assumption that I am so busy, there’s probably a secret to keeping my insanity. The reality is that “me time” is my favorite time. Between Passion Project, working a part-time job, being a student and a loved one, it’s hard to remember that I matter. So through the running around and inability to catch my breath, I know that if my room is a mess my brain is probably a wreck. When I clean and organize my space, I can start compartmentalizing the things that matter. I rediscover objects that had or have value to me. I salvage beauty products that didn’t work for me in the summer with hopes of warmer weather and my Vitamin D intake. I find developed film photos that spark happy memories and laughs. This piece entitled Bless This Mess was created with the idea in mind that although it is a bitch to stop and clean, taking time to do so reminds me that I have needs and I need to be taken care of too.

WHOLE HEARTED: OATMEAL, A LOVE STORY by Micol Wajskol

I am a creature of habit, especially when it comes to my eating habits. I eat oatmeal every day for breakfast. It’s the perfect solution for a high protein, filling, delicious morning nosh that keeps me satiated until lunch. I love how creative one can get when adding the toppings, or “decorating the bowl” so to speak. For me, making my oatmeal bowls in the morning is a creative outlet- it is my art form. Oatmeal has been gaining more traction and attention recently, but it still suffers from the bad rap of being “that plain, boring food” that is suitable for elderly people only. Contrary to this belief, I believe oatmeal is just a fiber and antioxidant filled, heart healthy, energy boosting blank canvas that can be painted any way you choose! And, it’s gluten free for all of our gluten intolerant peeps! I always add chia seeds when I make my oatmeal base, because of how plump and gooey they get when mixed with the oats. It also helps make the oats themselves creamier. Some of the benefits of chia seeds is that they are extremely high in protein, so you get a little protein boost to your oats. Chia seeds do wonders for digestion and detox, and help fight heart disease and lower cholesterol. A MASTER LIST OF TOPPINGS Try out a Meeky bowl! This recipe is so easy, and it can be made on the stove top or in the microwave! A MEEKY BOWL: BASE:

/3 cup of oats (I love the Bob’s Red Mill Oat Bran)

-Berries

-Mango

-Bananas

-Apple

-Nut or seed butter

-Walnuts

-Cacao nibs

-Slivered almonds

-Coconut flakes

-Goji berries

-Hemp seeds

-Honey

1 cup of liquid, usually I use a mix of water and plant -Raisins based milk 1 tbsp chia seeds Dash of cinnamon Dash of salt

-Maple Syrup

Follow my oatmeal instagram @meekybowls to keep up with my bowl lifestyle! Photography by Bailey Becher | 37

FEBRUARY FEATURE: ON THE TOPIC OF LOVE

We wanted a piece that would highlight all sides to love, the result of interviews with people with all kinds of backgrounds and opinions, written by four very separate people who were willing to take a hard look at what lies beyond the rose-filtered lenses of Valentine’s Day. We are proud of the multi-directional ways that this piece came into being, and As humans we have loved and been loved, and consider hugely grateful to everyone who worked so hard to make it ourselves lucky to say that. While romantic love and self love a publishable reality. are the most marketed forms, everyday love can take on drastically different and occasionally dangerous faces. These To push past the stone-cold defiance of romantic tropes for can be much harder to define, understand or openly talk a moment — we believe that love is something we should about. always be able to talk about, write about, relate to and When we sat down to brainstorm the feature piece for February, what kept coming up was the concept of love. Yes, Valentine’s Day tends to commercially remind us if we are, or are not, involved romantically — but love is a lot more than just that.

Platonic love, familiar love, heat-of-the-moment love, abusive, obsessive, toxic love, turned vulnerable and tarnished — burn the photos, change the feed. Love is an absolutely undefinable noun, verb and simultaneous adjective that has the ability to change you in so many ways, both the good and the bad.

perhaps most importantly, to learn from.

So here’s to that, and thank you for reading. x Mila Phelps-Friedl, Editorial Director Kyle Dandrea, Assistant Editor

PART I : IN CELEBRATION OF LOVING LOVE Written by Amanda Behnken Another Valentine’s Day has come and gone and no “Do you eat ass?” matter how you celebrated — if you celebrated, we were all forced to acknowledge the holiday in some capacity. I normally wouldn’t write a piece about love. Personally, I got texts from my dad and brothers, a card from my mom, and a message from some dude on Tinder Firstly because I don’t consider myself to be a “writer.” saying, “Happy Valentine’s Day beautiful,” followed up by: 38 | Illustration by Nicki Diacik

Secondly because I am chronically single. And I don’t just mean I’m in a lull in the dating game right now and I’m

n aiting to find the right person to get me back on my feet w — I mean I’ve never had a boyfriend. Unless you count the one in fifth grade. Which, Ian, if you’re reading this, we could’ve lasted way longer than a week if we tried harder. Other than that, it’s just been me. So you can imagine how the last thing I needed to add to my plate right now was spending hours listening to people talk about love. It seemed kind of like an annoying topic. You and your girlfriend have been madly in love for five years? Tell me more. Please don’t. Don’t get me wrong, I’m by no means a cynic. Actually, I’m quite the opposite. I love a good romantic comedy. But what I love more than a good rom-com, are the really, really bad ones. Also anything with Jennifer Lopez in it. So like I was saying, that “rom-com type” love wasn’t, and isn’t, really on my mind. But I’m trying to step out of my comfort zone this semester, so when asked who wanted to help write the feature piece for the month of February, I shot my hand in the air before I had time to talk myself out of it. I found some people to interview and before we get in too deep, I’ll just tell you right now that I didn’t have any big revelations after talking to them. No one opened my eyes to the love that’s been in front of me all along, and I didn’t fall in love with one of my interviewees after we found out that we have a lot in common. This isn’t a Nicholas Sparks story. But I mean, c’mon, I’m not going to act like I would hate it if it were.

if they have that in their life, they also recognize that love can and does take many forms. Now this idea of love is important to me: the idea that love can come from anything and everything, not just a significant other. This is something I’ve known for a while. It is something I was forced to learn. In middle school and even in high school, it seemed like everyone was having their first kiss and holding hands in the hallway. Not that any of this was necessarily love — but I still wanted it. Maybe boys weren’t into me because I towered over them and could probably embarrass the shit out of them in a game of basketball. Whatever the reason, I got over it and found love in other things. Thank god I did because I probably would’ve turned into a cold, heartless, unhappy person if I didn’t. We all need love in our lives. And here I am, years later, still tall as fuck, still single as fuck, but with so much love. I love books and movies and shows. I love finding that one amazing song and then obviously listening to it so much that I eventually hate it. I love the way the sky looks in the minutes after the sun has set. I love buying new underwear. I love thinking about the oatmeal I’m going to eat in the morning. I love the candle my roommate lit last night. I LOVE DANCING. But enough about what I love, let’s see who, and what, other people love.

What I did find is that most people don’t confine Meet Burke. He’s been in love twice, but when asked to themselves to the “boy meets girl” version of love. Even describe someone he loves, he talked about his mother.

“My mother is literally the hardest-working woman I have ever met. She has an overwhelming amount of love for her family and friends, and she’s honestly one of my greatest role models. She has so much kindness in her heart, and I see it everyday. If anyone taught me how to love, it was my mother.”

“I love my roommate with all of my heart. Her name is Izzy and she is the greatest roomie that anyone could ever ask for. We were complete strangers our freshman year, but now I can confidently say that she is one of my best friends in the entire world. We would both do anything for each other, and if we are both single by 40, we have made a pact to marry each other and move somewhere with a beach. She has shown me the importance of friendship, and I will always be thankful for her. “

Mom, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry I don’t call you as Amelia, if you’re reading this, thanks for putting up with all my shit. Especially my sleep talking. And thanks for all often as I should, but you’ll always be my #1. the much needed, late night dance parties to Lizzo. Meet Alyssa. She loves her roommate. PART II : THE PROBLEM WITH CINEMATIC LOVE Written by Bridget Bright It seems like every movie I saw from the ages of six to sixteen all followed a similar plot-line. It’s the same old story — boy meets girl, they fall in love, life rips them apart and they almost always somehow end up living happily ever after.

structure that conforms to antiquated relationship norms. Also, why does everyone on every rom-com poster somehow look like they’re related to their lovers?

And, of course, all of the female leads have one main goal: to fall in love. Out of all my goals and ambitions, Throughout my life, it seemed like everyone was dreaming falling in love has never been at the top of the list. Finding about what romance film cliché their next relationship some overrated and under-qualified man to fall in love would mimic. with just isn’t worth top ten. In elementary school, my best friend made me hear all As I’ve grown up, all I really want to see in a film is a about her fictional boyfriend who just so happened to be character, or two, that have more relatable perspectives a basketball player named Troy Bolton. Sound familiar? on love. To me, love is when people are fully themselves and I have never seen myself in any of the typical In high school, a friend of mine swooned over the idea of characters in a romantic comedy. All I want is a movie that having a wedding the to scale and ridiculousness of the breaks the boundaries that have been set around white, one in My Big Fat Greek Wedding. heteronormative couples being at the center of almost every rom-com. Realizing that everyone had a Troy to In college, almost everyone I know has changed their their Gabriella, an Ian to their Toula, or a Noah to their dream man from Bradley Cooper to Noah Centineo, and Allie, I wondered why I never found mine? then back to Bradley Cooper as soon as they watched A Star is Born. I spoke to a Marc and Dylan about their real life love story, and I asked if they have ever seen themselves represented Even my family falls into the trap of conventional models on the big-screen. of romance. My sister has forced every guy she’s been with watch The Notebook as a test of compatibility. Worse, my Dylan told me about how when they first met. He and dad always talks about how he would have done anything Marc didn’t feel the movie-esque connection right away. to date Molly Ringwald’s character in Sixteen Candles They waited months after knowing each other to officially when he was in high school. Until he met my mom who start dating. coincidentally was a tall and freckled redhead. Growing up, I couldn’t relate to any of this. I found it difficult to fantasize about the relationships I saw on screen because I simply didn’t think like the characters did. Almost every romance plot-line follows the same 40

Their love occurred organically and has been a comfort to both of them for the 2 years they have been together.

“I was in love before but it was nothing like this,” Marc explained, “I was finally able to be myself, so then I was Marc didn’t seem to really have a film that spoke to him able to show the love that I actually wanted to and not in that way. Although he made a joke that he’s been have to hide it.” watching Brokeback Mountain since he was 14, he told me about how he grew up seeing rom-coms and getting While talking to Dylan, I realized that he had a romance angry at the end of them. He wondered about why he film that spoke to him the way that A Star Is Born and The didn’t feel the way those people do. Notebook resonates with my straight friends. Finally, I met someone who understood my feelings. Dylan loves Call Me By Your Name, a novel which was adapted into the award winning film directed by Luca “When I was growing up, I used to get frustrated Guadagnino. Call Me By Your Name is a lustful and and confused because there were not homosexual tender love story of two men. Their love took almost relationships happening,” Marc said. “So when I was a kid the full film to develop into anything, and (spoiler alert) I was [like] ‘keep it to yourself’ because even TV doesn’t ends in a heartbreak that is not just devastating, but also show it.” enlightening for the main character. Dylan read the book while he and Marc were dating long distance, and it made And what Marc said next really hit home. him miss Marc. “I get frustrated because these people are so madly in Dylan adores it so much that that he listens to the love and it doesn’t feel right to me, so what’s wrong? soundtrack regularly. What’s wrong with me?” Marc and I had the same question growing up, and Dylan “There is one song in particular called Mystery of Love. agreed as well, but we all understand it now. Films just It’s by Sufjan Stevens. I think that song is quite honestly didn’t represent us. the most beautiful thing I have ever heard,” Dylan said turning to Marc. “To me it just emphasizes [our] kind of In reality, queer relationships and diverse characters love.” just haven’t been written into mainstream films all 41

that much. While this is slowly changing, it’s refreshing to know that some of us will still be watching every new romance movie in the hope that we finally see ourselves in some kind of movie love.

their diverse cultural and societal backgrounds do not create a wedge between them. Instead, they value how different they are. I think their love story is an important one, especially in a time of so much societal division.

Here’s to Dylan and Marc for making me realize that love Hana is from New Jersey, but her parents are Japanese isn’t always what we see on the big screen — and that’s immigrants. She is the first person in her family to attend okay. university, so she is always working very hard. Ryan is from a very conservative town in upstate New York. He PART III : BECOMING BETTER FOR LOVE described this as living in a “white bubble.” When Hana and Ryan hold hands in public, they know some people Written by Madeline Lester might judge them for their differences but that hasn’t stopped them from expressing their affection. I’ve never been in love. I don’t know how that feels, but I do know what being in love looks like. I know because the When it comes to fears, Ryan was worried about bringing couple I interviewed was able to cut through the chaotic Hana to meet his family, scared about what ignorant dating discord and find each other. comments might come from a rural area of New York State. There’s a powerful quote from Paulo Coelho’s novel The Alchemist, “I had to learn I can’t protect her from everything [...] as sad as that is.” “When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, Before Hana met Ryan, she was afraid to get into a everything around us becomes better too.” relationship with someone. Her grandfather was very abusive and her friends didn’t paint modern love in a To me, this couple embodies this quote: they bring out positive light, the best in each other, and life is happier because of their close bond. They are in an interracial relationship, yet “ — and then this guy comes around and changes all of 42

that. Now I think there’s [at least] one guy in the world I couldn’t help but see the irony in both their fears: Hana that’s pretty okay.” was afraid of being in a relationship with a jerk, and Ryan was afraid he was that jerk she would fall in love with. Ryan was also afraid because he didn’t know if he really Ultimately, his desire to make Hana happy outweighed deserved her. the emotional baggage he’s been carrying since his previous relationship. And it shows. “Why would this super nice person want to be with me? I don’t want to bring my past issues into her life — she Here’s to letting go of our fears, and being better to and doesn’t deserve them at all, she deserves a fresh start, a for the people that we love. clean slate and [she] deserves to be loved.”

PART IV: THE POSSIBILITY OF SELF-LOVE Written by Stephanie Philo Learning to love yourself hasn’t always been regarded as a necessary thing to do. Think to the story of Narcissus: according to Greek mythology, it was his self love that ultimately brought his death. Until 1956, when Erich Fromm introduced a more positive version of self-love, the concept was associated with arrogance and egotism. Fromm was a psychologist best known for his work regarding love, introducing the idea that one needs to love themself before they can love other people. Since this reshaping of self-love as a positive concept, having the ability to say “I love myself” no longer immediately means you’re a narcissist — it means you’re doing something right.

The trouble with self-love, though, is how uncommon it actually is. Though it is powerful and exciting to reclaim self-love as something to take pride in rather than something to be shameful of, not everyone is able to hop on the self-love train that easily. When I asked three of my female friends whether or not they love themselves, I did not receive a single yes. While some were slightly more confident than others in their self love, all their answers were varying degrees of no. I don’t blame them. I would answer no, too.

When I asked my friend, Acacia, that question—the question of if she loves herself or not—she began to laugh. To her, the idea of loving herself was an absurd concept. It’s a question I knew she’d laugh at. I laughed along with her, but it still saddens me to think that someone I love so deeply doesn’t love herself practically at all. We often say to each other that we wish we’d love ourselves like we love each other. We say it like a joke, but it is painfully true. Maybe that’s what self love is. Seeing ourselves the way our loved ones do.

place. Corporations like Dove, with their “Real Beauty” campaign, tell the general public that learning to love yourself is of the utmost importance, while still pushing the use of their beauty products.

Essentially, the importance of self-love is taught to every woman, yet not enough has changed at a societal level to make self-love more possible. Beauty standards are still there. Fat shaming is still there. Calling outspoken women bossy is still there. Loving yourself is your job, even when institutions with power in our society do little to make I know that I’m supposed to love myself. The message of loving yourself a more feasible task. self-love is plastered across the Internet, from inspirational typography on motivational Instagrams, to self-care Being able to confidently say you love yourself is a threads on Twitter with thousands of retweets. true accomplishment and should be regarded as such. However, we should not chalk up the difficulty of true selfPut yourself first. love to individual failure. Instead of seeing as a failure, why not work towards lowering societal standards so You’re perfect the way you are. that self-love isn’t a battle that is borderline impossible to win? Individual work is absolutely necessary in achieving You are enough. self love. No one else can do self love for you (obviously) but a little more support can never hurt. These messages are often helpful in bolstering the self-confidence of women who are expected to reach I don’t want to speak on behalf of all women by saying unreasonably high standards in both beauty and self-love is too hard. However, in my own experience, it temperament. However, loving oneself is something far has been extremely difficult. When I look in the mirror, easier said than done. I’m sometimes able to say I love myself. Sometimes it’s because I have a killer outfit on. Sometimes it’s because I asked do you love yourself?” They answered, my skin has cleared up. Sometimes I love myself for no reason at all. But sooner or later, no matter how beautiful I “I’m working really hard on being able to do that, and I initially thought I looked, my insecurities get the better of think I’m getting closer, but not entirely, no.” me. In speaking to my friends about this, I’ve learned that this is not an uncommon occurrence. “Working on it. Almost. Some days. I don’t want to say almost, that makes it seem like I’m closer than I am. Some As much as I wish positive affirmations and self-talk could days.” do all the work, I’m not sure that’s the case. I want all my friends to love themselves as much as I love them. I want The reality of self-love is that it does not come easy, even to love myself as much as my friends love me. It’s going to if you desperately want it to. Those with histories of self take more work than you might think. esteem issues have to put intense amounts of mental and emotional energy into teaching themselves self-love. This We cannot just be working on our self love from within. self-love work is almost always done by the individual To work on self love, we must work on beauty standards, with the occasional help of some sort of support system, too. Self-love should not be just be about rejecting these meaning that the act of self-love is one’s personal standards as it suits you, but working towards challenging responsibility. It is a process of rejecting the negative these standards head on. We feel the repercussions of self-talk that is so often ingrained in our vocabulary and beauty standards no matter how hard we work on our replacing it with positivity instead. own self-confidence; it only makes sense that we include wider issues in our emphasis on self-love. In my own experience, I have worked hard to build my self esteem, and I’ve grown to love myself way more than Here’s to myself. middle school Stephanie could have ever imagined. Selflove is not about outside validation, but about validation And to you. from within. However, we neglect to address why 44 unequivocal self love is so hard to come by in the first Here’s to love.

If you had told me a few years ago, I would have had my own podcast, I’d laugh in your face. I used to cry while my dad listened to NPR because it was so boring. Then I’d fall asleep. I didn’t care about podcasts until 2016 when I listened to one episode of This American Life and got hooked. I didn’t realize that podcasts could cover such intense topics, and I listened to true crime stories, narratives, and sometimes daily news. I listened to them while working out, doing homework, and right before I went to bed. As a storyteller, the podcast medium immediately grabbed my attention. I’ve always been interested in women’s health and sex education because I had to. Aside from my grandmother, I was raised in all male, all Caribbean household where my needs weren’t met. My grandmother’s understanding of sexuality was old-fashioned and traditional. Her strict Catholic views taught her that suppression was key. Not only did I have to grew up fast due to other devasting circumstances, I felt out of the loop compared to my friends. I remember one of my friends getting her period in 3rd grade, and I was humiliated by my female peers for not knowing what that was. When I finally did get mine in 5th grade, my father’s only response was “congratulations, you’re a woman now”. But I didn’t feel like a woman, I felt disgusted. No one told me what to do or how to move forward. Puberty is a nightmare if you grew up in a male dominated and conservative household. While my friends got to skip school because of their period, I suffered in silence. While my friends got to explore their fashion sense, I was forced to cover up. Female sexuality is often repressed. Sexual shame can stem from religion, culture, and society. This repression leads to many women’s physical and emotional needs being ignored. In the patriarchy, it’s not just women that are silenced, but minorities and the LGBTQIA community.

Learning about sex education through social media is what created Birds and Black Girls. Before I pitched this podcast, I made an extensive and personal outline of the type of episodes I wanted and what their summaries would be. I sent myself articles and academic journals I enjoyed and related to the topics I wanted to discuss. Creating this podcast was a learning experience for me, and it has shaped my personal journey. While my major is designed for me to pursue jobs in the film and television industry, I’m interested in what other fields my passions for women’s health can lead me to. I want to empower marginalized groups to speak up about their minds and bodies. The podcast hasn’t changed my world view, but it’s encouraged me to be aware of the health politics regarding my body. What would happen if my insurance refused to cover my birth control? Why do white men get to make decisions regarding reproductive rights? How can women of color combat implicit bias? So many questions keep me up at night so it’s important for people like me to be aware of what’s going on and how it will affect minorities. Since I’ve been to Ithaca, I’ve encountered people who identify with different gender identities, have similar or vastly different sexual experiences from my own, and had my peers redefine what sex means. College is a place for people to create new experiences, and sex is a common activity for college students, whether it’s hooking up or entering new relationships. My podcast is from the perspective and voices of college students. While college students aren’t sex educators, it’s a large aspect of our lives. Will I become a sex educator? Will my films and tv shows revolve around sexology? In five years, will I be as engaged and passionate about this topic as I am now? I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I know that without Passion Project, I wouldn’t have a platform to explore education. - Minah St-Cyr

Illustration by Nicki Diacik | 45

We each joined this podcast with different motivations and goals whether they are career oriented or not. Although Climate: TBD is new to the podcast game and is unprecedented on IC’s campus, creating this sustainability platform has enriched our lives both individually and collectively. “Climate: TBD has changed my outlook on the world because it keeps the intersectionality between climate change and important topics like social justice and fair trade at the top of my mind. Through interviewing experts in these fields, I get better informed on these relevant and prevalent issues in our society today.” - Jess Gallagher “As an Eco Rep and Vermonter, helping to create this podcast has helped me have a more global understanding of injustices happening. Climate: TBD has brought me into a focus of asking quizzical questions about what causes everything around us and how can these things be bad for some people but beneficial for others. These process of making these episodes has been a driving influence for other things in my life and help me have a unique understanding of other topics discussed in classes. This has been a growing experience and I can’t wait to continue with the podcast next year.“- Wesley Smith “As Eco Reps’ Project Coordinator, podcast producer and host, and dog mother, this podcast has made me think about all the different perspectives to sustainability issues, especially those that I do not hold. Most times, the approaches that receive the most attention are environmental science based. The discussions we’ve had so far have made me think more about the world systems approach to sustainability, rather than a more individualistic approach, which looks different for everyone.” - Tessie Devlin “As Eco Reps’ Program Manager, farmer, Master Composter, podcast host, and cat momma, Climate: TBD has expanded my awareness of the immense amount of work required for media production...the equipment, the skills, training, editing, and marketing are extensive. My appreciation and respect for this field is ever-growing. Through this creative extension of sustainability, I’ve realized that communicating climate justice often requires the power of media - in this podcast’s case, Passion Project, Spotify, Apple Music. Without this interplay, the environmental justice voice falls on deaf ears.” - Marissa Lansing “As a filmmaker and Eco Reps’ Social Media Manager, Climate: TBD has helped me become more confident in what I want to do with my future as a whole. As a cinema production student with a religious studies minor, my ideal future would be spent creating accessible entertainment that either through context or subtext addresses issues of social justice especially within the scope of environmentalism. The research aspect of this podcast has educated me not only on environmentalism, but also the community around me through the people we have interviewed and local topics we have discussed. As the co-editor, I have the privilege of listening to absolutely everything that gets recorded. This gives me a sweet inside scoop on not only the bits of conversations that don’t make the cut, but also the personalities of everyone and how they blend together which is quite sweet.” - Gemma Gallucci

Even though it is early on in this podcast and we all have different career goals and aspirations, we have already realized how wide the reach is of sustainability and how it affects different aspects of life. We hope to continue to raise awareness about different sustainability topics in the future. Photography by Bailey Becher, Logo by Amanda Stearsman | 47

THE LIFE OF THINGS by Mae McDermott

After my grandfather died we kept everything, each of his ninety-one years of life and each decade of his travels. He had grown up poor in the Czech Republic, and been educated only through the eighth grade. Still, he wrote his way into employment for Radio Free Europe and into the path of Communist Russia, whose enmity forced him out of the country and away from his first-born son. It was in the US he learned English by rereading a single copy of The New York Times. It was here he continued his work for Radio Free Europe and began working for the United Nations. And it was here he raised my mother on 54 Maple Avenue in Pelham, New York, a place where the sky feels a penetrating blue, and the sun is searing and bright regardless of the season. But then maybethat is the nature of memory which, being such a vivid song, throws certain notes so clearly and resonantly into the present.

the unexpected places life had taken that boy. And so his house lived and breathed, elastic in how it filled with all the relics and stories contained within its walls. My mom brought my brother and I up to visit when we were very young.

We felt even without understanding the weight of the space in which UN representatives had mingled together, and in which my mom with her short curls and striped jumpers had played waitress. The house felt big, even stately, imposing. And yet, painted and carved people, frozen into motion, cast their looks and hues gently upon us; and there Poppy sat in his leather armchair in the corner of the living room, always minding us as well. With this watchfulness, the house was unmistakably warm and loving. Once his chair was empty the house became a shadow of itself. Slighter. Colder. Looking back, I think it had started moving toward emptiness long before we had begun the harrowing process of turning it inside out. And we did.

He traveled to every continent except Antarctica with my grandmother Elsa. As a man who arrived to the U.S. with so little and yielded so much, he was frugal; but on every trip he carefully selected a relic, usually a painting or sculpture, to bring back home. My Poppy was a quiet and collected man, but enwrapped in his quietude was deep pride, sentimentality, and a never-waning excitement for the journeys open to him, because he was always, always aware of the boy that he had been. He was keenly aware that mere years before he had showered in a communal We removed the deep red and burnt orange oil paintings bathroom down the street from his small, gray, concrete and the dark brown wooden African masks from above apartment in Prague, and he was thrilled and moved by the silk green living room couch. 48 | Photos courtesy of Mae McDermott, Collage by Nicki Diacik

his things. My grandfather does not live in the items he We unfastened the smaller mixed media works that hung left behind... and I am not sure that by holding onto his above every other stair, the portraits of women who things we were keeping him. But I do think that we were watched over the house like silent guardians. keeping the things he imbuedwith meaning, and indeed the things that felt alive in their own right. We uprooted the black glistening dining room table and its matching amber chairs, the rugs from the floor, The tension comes from how alive everything feels. Even and my grandmother’s cream-colored, and burnt- before Poppy’s things took up residence on our floor, orange striped dishware, which ranged from well-used there were stacks of Thomas VCRs taller than myself, to untouched except for her long-absent fingertips. We closets packed full of board games never played but unmoored everything, even took the colors from the walls never discarded. We keep these confusing closets closed —the deep salmon of the dining room, the tan of the living off, because how could we possibly let go of the way that room —and painted the house that had once breathed iridescent Candyland box speaks to us, or the Would You his warmth a taut, crisp, unfeeling white. We cleared the Rather set we riotously played once without following any house andemptied it into a single moving truck. of the rules.

My mom, my brother, and I watched, numb, as the universe was packed into a rumbling metal suitcase. The only thing we left behind was his mattress. It sat on a floor suddenly free of carpet, in a bedroom harshly lit by windows now devoid of curtains. We got back to Maryland and unloaded his house into our own. It was like emptying a treasure chest into a rustic toy box. Our 180-year-old farm house sits in a sea of swaying corn and soy; its white wood is eternally chipping away, and inside plaster ceilings curve in wayward shapes of the builder’s choice. A collection of rusted tools, dug up from our yard, grows on our kitchen ceiling; there is faded and stained wood, homemade concrete planters with adorned with mosaic tiles, maroon checkered curtains, and occasionally animal droppings. For weeks we watched TV through a tangle of polished umber bed frames, and stepped over stacks of valuable paintings and contradictorily labeled brown boxes, with our dinner plates in hand. On our dog-hair covered brown couches, we gathered our limbs to ourselves... they felt extraneous and intrusive poking around territory that was no longer purely ours. For what we had was a shocking collision. My house was disoriented and small with Poppy’s regal, cultured house crowded inside of it... and I also felt breathless and shrunken, surrounded by the hefty things of his home that had been inelegantly uprooted and sent tumbling in a truck to a Maryland farm. I looked over the boxes and heard their silence and wondered if we could house these jewels appropriately. And I thought on the now-vacant, painted-over spaces on walls we would never see again and felt remorsefully that these living, breathing items were wondering the same.

I am the worst in the household. Things stick to me. I look on almost any inanimate thing —a bead that catches and throws the light, a particularly declarative ribbon, a snipped tag with a meaningful design —and tuck it away with a pangof sympathy, unable to drop something so charming in the trash. What fascinates me even for a fleeting moment, whatever feels important, finds an empty place on one of the surfaces surrounding me and makes a forever home there.But there is no way to house it all. Streams of small beauties are diverted into dark drawers, the undersides of beds and dressers, and precarious heaps, and always I feel overheated and guilty at the mass of pretty, locked-away, forgotten things. This is no life for the things whose lives I profess to feel so deeply.

Sentimentality and nest-building dances into the territory of mess-building.

And because I am the curator, the mess is mobile. It followed me out of Maryland to school, where I hoard bottle caps and cookie tins and pensthat overflow into desk drawers and mingle with spare papers, notes, drawings that never find a way home. I sit guiltily amongst the filth I have created for the things that, at some point, called out to me, and I question as always whether I am a worthy custodian, and whether this is any better for them than being thrown in the trash. The life of objects is as transitory as the life of man. Material things are meant to decay and die and disappear. And yet here I am utterly surrounded. When I hold on to bottle caps, what am I holding on to? Because really this practice must be selfserving. I must be holding onto things not for their sake but because I cannot bring myself to drop a glimmering something into the garbage. What in the silver of the Poppy was not, and would never be, there amongst bottle capam I trying to prolong? When I hold onto 49

things with the vague notion of preserving or recycling or creating or rebuilding, what does the garbage I retain When we framed it front and center in our own living say about me? room and it fell within a week, frame shattered, we all silently agreed not to see the crash as an omen. It was And yet when I excavate from the precarious piles printed only this year that my mom brought the painting to be reemails long forgotten from friendships no longer mined framed, warning the employees at Michaels repeatedly but once golden, and when I find silly drawings from my that she was doing so against her better judgment, and best friend from second grade on torn loose leaf scraps, to guard the flying horses with their lives. The delicate the things that one day will be trashed or recycled or will paper came back to her massaged into place under a otherwise break up and spiral into the air in particles... too-small frame, the page now replete with ridges and they don’t feel like garbage to me. They never could. So I valleys. Across the middle was a thick fold like a fissure am overwhelmed by the mess, by the mass, by maximum in dry ground, fracturing the watering hole in half, and capacity. Because whether this retention is charged by introducing to the flying horses a rigidity they had never fierce love or soft nostalgia or neurosis, it is still retention, known. I have not asked for updates. and I am still finitewithin it, gathering my legs to myself in order to fit within the framework hoarded items place Lamps broken, rugs ruined, paintings stained and upon my life. I am as finite as the walls of our barn, where crumpled and frames shattered. These were the things much of my grandfather’s things have sat piled on top of that were pushed to the very corners of our space, pushed each other since 2013. My mom is often afraid to examine against hard walls until they broke.Sometimes no matter them, knowing how the rugs she sat on as a child will have how much we preen, the things we keep will decay and grown moldy, knowing how the paintings he procured die... because there is only so much space. They are living from every country he ever visited will have grown water- not only in storage, not only in a barn, not only on the damaged and warped, their delicate frames juxtaposed shelves of an overwhelmed room, but inside of us. We oddly against the scraped concrete floor of our barn. inhabit each other, give each other life. Everything that we keep not only surrounds but floods, and here we are, as finite as any building we could use to try to store it all, We want to guard it all. filled to capacity with memory of love and loss, completely We love every single thing that filled 54 Maple Avenue, and utterly full. So when we are both full, both pushed to the relics that have found stately, delightfully peculiar the corners of a limited space, both the vessel and what perches in the cold sunlit wooden corners of a humble sits contained within are pushed to the point of breaking. farmhouse. We want to be good custodians of everything he cared for, kept alive, treasured, and saw life in... though they may be inanimate, how could we deny the objects in his home bursting with life, with the lives of their artists and creators, and with the life imbued in every scratch and every discoloration? How could we give that away? How could we cut that life short.

And so the question becomes, how can we share this life? How can we share this space, and how can we live in rather than overwhelm each other? I think on the horses, on their broken watering hole, and what I could have done to keep their lives free and untethered... what I could have done to deliver them to the flight they seek, their bodies blowing like dark gusts across a now-fractured page. And then, sometimes, the reservoir we have built up I wonder if they, at once still and in constant, wisping overflows. There is only so much that can fit into a desk motion, will forgive me. drawer or underneath a dresser or inside a barn, and sometimes we cannot guard as we hope to. My grandfather was very proud of a painting called “The Long Drive” by Chinese general Yeh Sui-pai, who inscribed a note in dark strokes about Poppy’s efforts to help fight the communist regime on the Chinese mainland. It is a brush painting of horses running around a watering hole. The horses are like dark wind, black with notes of brown, their legs and manes and tales wisps across the plain white page, their untethered bodies curving toward movement. It hung above the smaller couch in his living room. He would gaze at it from his chair and say, “Ah... look at the horsies.” It reminded him of everything. 50

How can we share this life? How can we share this space, and how can we live in rather than overwhelm each other?

At the end of the fall 2018 semester, my podcast Loosely Defined came to a close. My co-host and best friend Segaro Bozart selfishly graduated early. As happy as I was for him, I was left with a void in my heart. Working on a weekly podcast was difficult but it kept me busy and the ability to share my passions with a loyal and engaged audience made me feel more confident and secure in who I was.

Thanos, The Mad Titan, 2018 With the idea fully formed I begun production. Ithacon 44 was on March 23 and 24, and with the show starting four weeks before, that meant half of the season would take place after the convention. Formatted as an interview show, ITHACONversations would be malleable enough to work both before and after the convention.

Fast-forward to January of 2019, I knew I wanted to start a new show. At the same time I was in a course called, “Ithacon: Promoting and Managing Conventions.” This class was co-taught by Katherine Kittredge of the English dept. and Ed Catto of the Business school. As a student in this class I became a part of the Ithacon team.

The conversations before Ithacon 44 were all about the history, relevance, and anticipation for Ithacon. The episodes after Ithacon were a thrill to make, as I was able to score interviews with some of the legendary guests that attended Ithacon 44, including Walter and Louise Simonson, two of the biggest names in the world of comic art.

It was a privilege and honor to be involved in running the 44th annual Ithacon. As I learned, Ithacon is the second longest-running comic book convention in the United States. There is an impressive history to the convention and the Comic Book Club of Ithaca that founded and still runs it. I knew if I was going to be involved that I needed to do something that can contribute to its legacy while also honoring the work that’s been done over the last 44 years.

Creating this show was not only important to me as a contribution to Ithacon’s legacy, but it also gave me a new sense of purpose. Talking to people like Steve Ellis, a local resident and comic book artist, and Bill Turner, the co-founder of Ithacon and the Comic Book Club of Ithaca, showed me how a passion for science fiction and nerd culture can not only lead to a career but also to a community.

So, with a desire to start a new podcast and a foot already in the Ithacon world, I knew what I had to do. I pitched the idea of starting a new show revolving around the history and impact of Ithacon to my class. I was grateful to receive so much encouragement from my classmates and from Professors Kittredge and Catto. I enlisted the support of Eden Dodge, one of the other students in the class, to make the cover art for the show, and took advantage of the connections we had to Ithacon contributors to find potential guests.

My experience interviewing comic book celebrities like the Simonson’s and Jamal Igle of Ahoy Comics introduced me to the thrill of interviewing icons. I was nearly speechless simply being in the same room as most of these people, and to have to turn that into a full conversation to be recorded and released for all to hear was a fantastic challenge.

Randomly one day while walking to my car from the Park school, the name jumped into my head: ITHACONversations. Both a pun and an accurate representation of the show’s format.

As the season, and my tenure as Senior Podcast Producer, comes to a close, I am so grateful to have had this opportunity. I hope I can take the lessons I’ve learned and the friendships I’ve made to continue to make content like this until the day I die. Comic books are more than an artform, they’re a unifier. They bring together artists, fans, academics, and businesses, and have given myself and so many other people a platform to thrive on.

“Perfectly balanced, as all things should be.”

- Edward Willshire

Logo by Eden Dodge | 51

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