04 ON THE COVER 06 LETTER FROM THE EDITOR 08 HOMETOWN HEROES 12 MUSIC FEATURE - BIG MONSTA 18 MUSIC ARTICLE -GATHER YOUR TORCHES 20 MUSIC REVIEWS 26 COVER FEATURE - MEITAL DOHAN 38 BEAUTY ARTICLE - THAT GROOMING MENTALITY 40 BEAUTY ARTICLE- VALENTINE HOW-TO 42 FASHION SPECIAL FEATURE -HEY LADY 58 FASHION EDITORIAL - SHADOW PLAY WITH THE ... 78 FASHION ARTICLE -THAT OXBLOOD LOOK 80 FASHION EDITORIAL - THE SUNLIT AND ASCENDING 94 FASHION EDITORIAL -PANDORA’S LAPTOP 102 FASHION EDITORIAL - RED WHITE & BLONDE 112 HOROSCOPES 114 IN THE NEXT ISSUE...
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MEITAL DOHAN PHOTOGRAPHY BY PAULIFORNIA STYLED BY SASHA GOLD HAIR AND MAKEUP BY MAREN GALINDO STYLIST ASSISTANT CARINNA GAUDRY (AND SOME PHOTO HELP TOO!) SHOT AT MEITAL’S HOME IN LOS ANGELES
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Hey Everyone, HOLY MOSES. Somehow this months issue ended up being our largest one yet! wow! we didn’t intend to be so large but who cares right? We have a lot of love to share! This month we went a little sexier and did things a little differently than we normally do. We figured might as well right? I’m consistently being blown away by the talent we end up with in this magazine. From the bands, to the photographers who submit editorials, from the tutorials in the beauty section and our cover models! Not to mention that our staff is amazing. Jackie is a lifesaver to me. She’s the ultimate man. So stoked to have her. Also stoked on Sasha’s job this month she slayed not only the editorial she was involved with but also the cover model Meital’s shoot. Sasha was on point and made for a quick and easy shoot! At that same shoot I finally got to work with Maren Galindo who’s officially one of our beauty editors!!! She did hair and makeup for Meital and it came out amazing! So yes I didn’t just mention that we have a new beauty editor on board but it gets better!!! we got two! Rickie Bocanegra and Maren Galindo are going to be revamping and making the beauty section something good for the guys and girls to both read for tutorials and tips! We’s so glad to have them aboard and look forward to seeing what they bring! Also it’s nice to see our regulars Like Corey Manske and his articles, and Ben Matsuya and his Illustrations and Ayla Henderson and her spot on accurate (and irreverent) horoscopes! We here at Pastorale have an amazing team!
publisher PAULIFORNIA
editor in chief PAUL RIVERA
managing editor JACKIE SUEHR
fashion director SASHA GOLDENBERGER
beauty editors MAREN GALINDO & RICKIE BOCANEGRA
music director PAUL RIVERA
creative director PAULIFORNIA CREATIVE AGENCY
illustration contributors BEN MATSUYA
editorial contributors COREY MANSKE, AYLA HENDERSON, PAUL RIVERA, MAREN GALINDO,
So about our cover! You guys! Meital Dohan rocks! She is beyond multitalented!!! She’s borderline genius! It was so much fun shooting her and hanging out with her and her assistants. Huge huge huge things in this woman’s future!
RICKIE BOCANEGRA, MICHAEL CLIFFORD
Well thanks again for another awesome month. We hope you love this issue as much as we do!
JERAMIE LU, HEATHER DANIELLE JAROSZ ,
Love and Emo, Editor - in - Chief Paul Rivera
WRITERS! WHAT’S UP? LOOKING FOR WRITERS AND PEOPLE INTERESTED IN INTERVIEWING! EMAIL US! INFO@PASTORALEMAGAZINE.COM
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photographic contributors HASEEB OMAR, MICHAEL CLIFFORD, PAULIFORNIA, RICKIE BOCANEGRA, MAREN GALINDO
Pastorale is an online-only magazine, produced with the intent to unify music, fashion and lifestyle into a congruent publication. As individuals, we all possess a variety of diverse tastes; it is our purpose to mirror these variances and to incite reflection and intellect. We are not a men’s magazine. We are not a women’s magazine. We are a human magazine. Our articles are not fluff. We aspire to produce an experience for our readers, to compel thought provoking opinions and to inspire creativity in all. Collaboration is what makes this special. We are you.
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/ T RY C O L O R E D G E @T RY C O L O R E D G E
T A K I N G
T H E
N O R M A L
A N D
T H R O W I N G
I N
T H E
A B N O R M A L
W I T H
THE MAD PROFESSOR W O R D S
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P H O T O
This month’s Hometown hero is Harri Koski owner of Mad Professor Effects, Pedals and Amps in Turenki, Finland. This month is for the guitarist nerd or those curious about guitar effects, etc. Harri, is behind some of the best gear for guitarist around the world. His pedals and amps are designed to take the tone and quality of the player through the signal chain. From day one of this magazine we knew when Harri was in town we wanted to sit with him and have him as one of our Hometown Heroes. Which he truly is. Below we talk about some of his new and upcoming effects pedals which are unique and different from what everybody else is doing. He also talks about a new product that will be a huge game changer for guitarists. I met with Harri at his Airbnb rental in Anaheim and as always he was great to talk to.
Pastorale Magazine: You know, it’s funny when I first heard of you, I had just read the reviews and I was really kind of curious to try out one of your effects pedals. There is this company called the ProGuitarShop in Oregon that was the only ones at the time that sold your stuff. I wanted to try your pedal, I wanted to hear it. I was looking at your ‘Sweet Honey Overdrive’, and then I was looking at the ‘Rockbox Boiling Point’, another hand-wired pedal with just as great of reviews, but I went to try yours (trying them side by side) and oh my gosh! You blew it away, and there was even a cost savings too! Harri (Mad Professor): Thank you, nice to hear that.
Pastorale Magazine: For people who don’t know all about you and your company, how did you get started? Harri (Mad Professor): Amps were actually what we started making first. We started ... I think it was 2002, we started building the amplifiers. At the time, I owned an import company in Finland, so I use to import all kinds of high quality boutique guitar stuff from all over the world. Mostly from U.S.A. to Finland, and it was boutique amps, boutique pedals, pickups, cables, everything guitar related. Then I had a good relationship with this guy who was designing some pedals and saw his pedals, and we went talking about the ultimate amplifier. He told me he knows how to design but, he really didn’t like to build them because he’s not an amp builder. I told him, “I don’t, but I can organize it if you decide an amp, I’ll find a builder and we can get things rolling.” That’s what happened. He did the design, and I had my friend who has done a lot of amplifiers service for me, so he built it. We did a lot of work. It was very new in Finland. Nobody had done that before. So we had to kind of find a way to make it, and find people to build the chassis, and the boxes, and then upholster and everything. 8 | PASTORALE | FEBRUARY2015
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Pastorale Magazine: On a side note, the boxes and the upholsteriesthey’re different than anyone else’s. A lot of builders go to the vintage standards. You guys kind of have a cool unique look which is rare. Harri (Mad Professor): Yeah, that’s right. Because it should be different, it should have a timeless look, so it can look good now and it would look great after 20 years.
Pastorale Magazine: Exactly. Harri (Mad Professor): It will be not like 2010, but then. So it should look good now and forever. We put a lot of energy into that. That’s when it started and we started marketing ... I think in Finland, it’s a very small country, I think like 5.4 million people. You can’t make a business selling amplifiers or pedals only there. I told them let’s make this international. I went to the shows mostly in U.S.A. The first show was the Dallas Guitar Show, and then we start to make the NAMM shows, and New York Amp shows, and then Chicago Amp Show. That’s how we got started, and the amplifier got very well ... we sold a lot mostly in the U.S.A. After a while, it came to pedals and now they are the big thing for us. We started at a good time and ...just in add the time and the pedal ... the pedal craze started. People started buying pedals maybe partly because of the economy went down, people couldn’t afford to buy expensive boutique amps anymore.
Pastorale Magazine: Exactly. Harri (Mad Professor): Then they had the money to buy a boutique pedal. A great sounding pedal, but it gave them a new exciting tone.
Pastorale Magazine: A lot of companies what they’ll do is like, “Okay we want a distortion pedal,” and they just take it and they crank the distortion, and there’s no soul to it. Same thing with delay, “Oh, okay we can make it 1,000 milliseconds and it’ll be the perfect pedal”. I think what you guys do, is you guys blend the natural tones of whatever is coming through with your tones and you make this perfect harmony. Harri (Mad Professor): Yes.
Pastorale Magazine: You can tell that there is a lot of care in the design process. Harri (Mad Professor): Yes. Our idea is, we are not deciding how you should sound. We are building pedals that everybody’s able to find their own tone. That’s why continued on page 10 WWW.PASTORALEMAGAZINE.COM
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they’re very touch sensitive, so they can sound “you.” In a lot of ways, if you’re a really bad player, you know you sound really bad, but if you’re a wonderful player, every little nuance, every dynamic pluck, every little thing you play comes through. That was one of our ideas, that’s why we haven’t made any pedals for any player, because we don’t want our pedals to sound like certain players. We want you to find your tone. The one thing you want in a pedal is that it has to sound musical. That’s a key thing, it’s not just distortion it has to be musical distortion, beautiful overtones, and harmonies, and have to react to the way you play.
Pastorale Magazine: You can dial it in too. Going back to your amps, how would you describe the front and back end? How do you have it voiced? Do you have it voiced after a certain amp? Or do you keep it kind of just what you guys feel? Harri (Mad Professor): Yes, it is not voiced after a certain amplifier. It’s kind of a mixture of a lot things. For example, our first amplifier it works a little bit like a Hiwatt amplifier that has the best power amp ever. Then preamp was not happening, so you couldn’t get the sweet distortion out of a Hiwatt, but if you get a lot solid power it was like super-fast and tight, which it was supposed to do. Most amplifiers, Fenders, Marshalls, Vox, they were designed in the ‘40s and ‘50s, and Hiwatt amplifiers and all this stuff. At the time, that designer’s enemy was distortion. They just wanted to get rid of the distortion, and one thing that can get rid of distortion is that you cap the means a little bit. That’s why all the amplifiers had a mid-notch, because at the time they wanted to build a designer amplifier that did not distort that much. That was a time when before the love of rock ‘n roll, distortion was not needed. Well, pickups got better and stronger, and the amps distorted even though the designers didn’t want them to distort, and people loved the tone. There is no such thing as a nice totally clean guitar tone, because the best clean tones they have a little bit of distortion. The distortion that you hear, the overtones you hear that the tone is richer. We just plugged a guitar on a Hi- Fi amp, and you get a clean tone and that’s not beautiful. All these beautiful clean guitar tones, they have this little distortion that you hear, it’s a richness.
Pastorale Magazine: I’m thinking of John Mayer right now. He has a clean sound that is kind of dirty, but it’s beautiful, it’s a clean tone. I love that. Going back to pedals now. Harri (Mad Professor): Yes.
Pastorale Magazine: You’ve been doing some new stuff lately. What’s the new thing this year? Harri (Mad Professor): The new thing we have out, we have 2 new pedals this year. One is called a Pre-drive and that’s a pedal that has a little bit of boost, a little bit of distortion, some built-in compression. You put it on, it’s a kind of pedal that you have on for a while and then you take it off, you want it back. It makes your tone a little bigger, a little richer, and this built-in compression makes it nicer to play and it cleans really well.
6, you get this nice distortion. Then it starts to distort, but then you turn it down, and the guitar volume and the tone get a little muddy, and you kind of loose ... you notice this nice shimmer it has. With this underdrive, you can cut the mids, and that’s where the distortion is mostly happening, so it cleans the tone. It has also a bass knob, and a treble knob, and the volume. You can adjust the kind of a clean tone you want, warm, or bright and shiny, or a lot of fatness or bass.
Pastorale Magazine: It’s kind of like an EQ pedal but more focused on mids? Harri (Mad Professor): Yeah more focused on cutting the mid tones. The mids are placed just where the most distortion happens.
Pastorale Magazine: That way you can play with your guitar on with your volume up higher? Harri (Mad Professor): Yeah.
Pastorale Magazine: That’s really cool. Harri (Mad Professor): As with the EQ pedal you can also boost mids. If you have an amplifier that has a scoop and mix. You can use also for boost, but the main idea was you’re able to clean up ... you get a great clean out of your vintage amplifier.
Pastorale Magazine: That is a pedal that I think people need. It’s kind of something that a lot of times you’ll hear the sound guys, “You got to turn it down a little man”. That’s great! Harri (Mad Professor): That’s innovative thinking. We are the Mad Professors and we come up with all kinds of mad creations.
Pastorale Magazine: The name’s fitting right? Harri (Mad Professor): Yeah. Haha.
Pastorale Magazine: You were just at NAMM. How many times have you been out for that? Harri (Mad Professor): This was our 10th time.
Pastorale Magazine: Is there anything new or upcoming that you’d like to share with the readers?
Harri (Mad Professor): You can get that kind of a tone, even though you have to go to the gig with a Fender Twin and small Champ you can’t crank it up, but it’s just depending on if you have that kind of tone on low level that you will have the amp ...
Harri (Mad Professor): I think we have something really special... we’re coming out with a cable that’s very interesting. We call it the Red Cable, it’s a short cable with female end and male tip. It goes after your guitar cable and before the cable that goes to your pedalboard or amplifier. That has a new technology, it’s called SPIN Technology. It’s a Finnish company that has been working for I think 14 years on this. The cable builds a magnetic field that makes the electrons spin in the cable and they line up, and the result is that there’s a lot less energy lost than in a normal cable. This electron spin, it doesn’t just stay in the cable, but it goes backward and forward on your system. It makes just a louder ... Actually on a normal cable, you lose some of the quality, so this helps you not to lose that much. You are hearing more how your pickup on the guitar actually sounds.
Pastorale Magazine: Which I think needs to kind of ... a lot of people are searching for it, because a lot of the clubs now have these great PA systems, and then it’s kind of hard to play a half stack nowadays.
Pastorale Magazine: Cables are some of the most neglected piece of gear people forget about, just as important as good strings, good wiring in your guitar, and good tubes.
Harri (Mad Professor): Yes.
Harri (Mad Professor): All the cables they sound different, the reason why some are different is because each cable line cuts in on some frequencies, some are dark and others are brighter. With our cable, the Red Cable, you’re able to hear the real true tone of your guitar.
Pastorale Magazine: That’s really interesting.
Pastorale Magazine: My last amp I had was a boutique 100 watt top boost, which is just over kill. You can’t use that anywhere, you get everyone playing on Champs now and Princetons. What’s the other pedal that came out this year?
Pastorale Magazine: When is that coming out?
Harri (Mad Professor): The other pedal is called Evolution Origins Underdrive. So we have been making overdrives, I think we have had a new overdrive in every NAMM show, but this year we brought an underdrive.
Harri (Mad Professor): It should come out in May. It is something totally, totally new and a lot of people don’t even believe it when we tell, it’s like voodoo or something. Haha.
Pastorale Magazine: Underdrive, I’ve never even heard the term.
Pastorale Magazine: Thank you so much for taking the time to hang out and chat Harri.
Harri (Mad Professor): That’s the thing that you clean your distorted tone.
Pastorale Magazine: Oh. Harri (Mad Professor): Why would you do that? The reason is that ... as you told it, people have this idea with amps that they’ve taken to Princeton and Champ, and/or a Deluxe Reverb. They sound great when you turn it up to about anything from 4 to 10 | PASTORALE | FEBRUARY2015
Harri (Mad Professor): No problem, happy to do that.
Check out MAD PROFESSOR at http://www.mpamp.com and see why he’s totally earned the name!
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Orange County’s soul revival can be attributed to several bands. Almost like embers floating in air during a huge fire. Little sparks here and there. Some mini flames here and there. You always hear about the stuff Orange County bands are doing. With Big Monsta, they’re kinda like a huge fire truck putting out all those embers and doing their own thing. Trekking into an area where the rhythm and blues, old country, and garage rock vibe all blend into one another. These dudes are just here for one reason and that’s to rock. I have a lot of appreciation for bands that almost don’t care about the results of their performance but that regardless of what the night brings they have to play, play a full set, and basically get their fix. I caught up with them on a Monday night show in Costa Mesa, and even on a Monday night the house was packed and people were there for the music. We sat outside in a light drizzle of rare Southern California rain and talked about Jimmy Hendrix, vinyl records, and the start of a rap war beef.
comes in and goes, “Hey, let’s play this song”. It’s kind of a free-flowing thing every night.
Pastorale Magazine: So tonight you guys sounded really good. I dug everything I heard. I heard some cool little mini covers. Short versions of ‘Rape Me’ by Nirvana, ‘Respect’ by Aretha Franklin, and then all of ‘Red House’ by Jimi Hendrix. It sounded really cool and you definitely have the chops for it which is good. Sometimes when you see people trying to do covers, especially Jimi covers, they can’t really pull it off.
Pastorale Magazine: One thing you’ll hear from a lot of touring bands is California, especially like Californians, we’re so saturated with good music that touring out here is really hard to do.
Jimmy Hua: It’s scary though, because you can get borderline, like too much Dad rock, you soloing. I don’t know. I try to find the balance. Pastorale Magazine: Nothing wrong with that. Jimmy: I like to play laid back as much as I can, let some notes swing. Pastorale Magazine: That’s kind of how Jimi played. He was a shredder, a little sloppy, but there was a lot of soul to his playing rather than just perfected scales or whatever. Jimmy: Yup. Pastorale Magazine: You have Mike Willson in your band on drums. He’s in a couple other local Southern California bands, Gardener’s Logic and Shape Pitaki. Then you have Adrian Sanchez. He also plays guitar for Fellow Bohemian. What about you? Any other bands? Jimmy: I met you at my last Gardener’s Logic show. Since then it’s just been Big Monsta. Pastorale Magazine: You just came out with your second release? Jimmy: This is our first EP, I guess, you can say, after our first record. Pastorale Magazine: Yeah, because I remember when I met you, you had just finished your first full length record. You guys are playing a lot, making the rounds, and it seems like as of lately, people are really getting into it. Jimmy: I only hope so. Big Monsta’s already a ridiculous name as it is. Pastorale Magazine: Which is great! Which kind of helps. It’s memorable. Jimmy: I hope so too, because then there’s something that I don’t often think about, but some of our friends do remind me. It’s like Vietnamese American playing this. That doesn’t happen. I like that the Big Monsta can distract them first and foremost. Pastorale Magazine: Yeah. Jimmy: It’s a ridiculous name. It sounds like a hip-hop dude or DJ guy doing this dubstep. I don’t know. Pastorale Magazine: Hahaha. What’s cool is that is you do like, race aside, you have this soul thing going. It’s natural. It’s fun. I think that’s what’s kind of cool about the whole blues rock. There’s a way to tell a story. I think a lot of your songs tend to go in that direction. Jimmy: It also helps ... this is actually a big, huge thank you to Jack White. We don’t play with a set list. We never do. It’s all how we feel, we feed off each other, first and foremost. Secondary, we go to the audience. I call the shots even 80% of the time. Sometimes Adrian
Pastorale Magazine: That’s really cool. How often do you guys like playing out? Jimmy: Orange County, right now, it’s been like two months tops. Right now, we’re slowly trying to venture off to LA. Because I think we’ve done enough of the leg work in Orange County. It’s about time now we try different markets. We try to balance more than one market. Pastorale Magazine: Any tours or anything like that? Jimmy: No, tours scare the crap out of me, because I want to make sure that we either break even, or make a little more. I don’t want to go on tour unless there’s some sort of market that’s already there.
Jimmy: I’m not surprised. Pastorale Magazine: If you guys do go out I think you’d be surprised. I think a lot of people would dig what you guys are doing. You’ll probably get a pretty warm welcome. I think the fact that Orange County is welcoming you, and being cool about it, and loving what you guys are doing, and being supportive…tonight people were rocking out. It was totally cool. I have to admit, huge smile on my face when you started playing Nirvana because, that’s huge. It’s funny that that song, particularly how that fit into your set. It’s like, “Yeah, it kind of worked.” Jimmy: The reason why I played it is because I felt they were rushing me and I didn’t like that. Pastorale Magazine: Who? Oh, just the venue and the show, in general? Jimmy: I understand the logistics of all that. It’s cool. Pastorale Magazine: (Big Monsta members Mike Willson and Adrian Sanchez join the invterview) you guys have a new EP out titled ‘Volume 1’. Volume 1 of how many? Mike Willson: 2. Pastorale Magazine: And that EP is on Creme Tangerine Records? Jimmy: We have the cassettes released on Creme Tangerine with digital downloads, and then we also have our digital. We cover that side as well. We’re getting CDs later down the line, hopefully. Pastorale Magazine: Yeah, so let’s talk about CDs, vinyl and cassettes. You guys are one of the bands that are doing the cassette thing. Jimmy: I think it’s really funny, because CDs ... we did that for our first record. The cost was too much. Just for 150 (copies), it wasn’t worth it. Then digital was kind of taking over on CDs. I don’t see CDs being so prevalent now. We want to do vinyl but that’s super expensive. Mike: Cassette in Orange County, there’s an interesting market. Pastorale Magazine: It’s not just Orange County though. It’s nationally. It’s so weird. You’re just starting to see some of these rare releases. Like there’s this band This Will Destroy You that did a really cool release on cassette. It’s just interesting to see how what’s old is new again. Vinyl sales are as high as they’ve been. Vinyl sales are gigantic. Mike: It’s a big comeback. Pastorale Magazine: I, myself, I collect records. I collect vinyl. I’m sure a couple of you guys do or dabble in it. Jimmy: Definitely. I just got him (pointing to Adrian) a Buddy Guy and Junior Wills ‘1964 Chicago Blues Festival’. Pastorale Magazine: There you go. That’s cool. continued on page 16 FEBRUARY 2015 | PASTORALE | 15
Pastorale Magazine: So you guys are a power trio, like Jimi Hendrix. Adrian Sanchez: Like Cream. Pastorale Magazine: Is that what you guys intend on doing, or do you intend on adding, or keeping it as is? Jimmy: The arrangements right now are getting a little more and more. I do see, eventually, down the line, a larger group, but until it gets there, we’re not going to worry about that. The trio, it’s just been so fun. So distinct, you know? Mike: I’m a huge fan of the trio. I think it’s really organic. There’s no personality involved, like vocally. It’s all just kind of like, “Hey” and then we just play. As they say the only way we can communicate really is just by playing, and then afterwards go likePastorale Magazine: I think that’s why those like Cream and The Jimi Hendrix Experience were successful, because it was kind of minimal to a point. I hate to say the word minimal but it challenged each individual player to do what they do best. Jimmy: It’s like that saying, opportunity does kill creativity at some times. So if we restrict that enough, we get some really interesting results. Drum, vocal, bass, guitars. Adrian: Also as a team, also in terms of form, some of our songs are really short so me and Mike will be like, “How can we make this not just the same?” Mike: Yeah, how can we just completely fuck up this second part? Pastorale Magazine: That is what’s fun about song writing too because you hear the rules and it’s a lot like writing. There’s the way you should write on paper versus songwriting as well it’s like “yeah there’s rules but it’s almost more of a guideline”. It’s probably better for you guys to just kind of like, “Okay I appreciate the guideline but this is what we’re going to do”. Jimmy: That’s what a shorter form kind of allows for. This song’s only this big so let’s see what we can kind of do with it instead of just making it a standard pop song or a standard form. Pastorale Magazine: Do you guys ever just improv stuff? Adrian: That’s all we do. Mike: It is just a big interpretation of the record constantly. Adrian: I guess we record the parts, then we have to relearn the parts. Like, “Oh shit, I played that?” Jimmy: There’s definitely a lot of room for improvisation and that comes with a three piece. You can’t do that with anything else. If we got a keyboard it’d be like… um. Pastorale Magazine: All right so when’s the next record coming out? What’s the plan? What do you guys want to do? Jimmy: Right now I’m all about getting content out because we were in a 2 year lull and that’s freaky for a band especially when you start on that kind of first step. So that was a big learning curve. Right now we have singles lined up, and then a bunch of covers. I want to do a red series and a blue series. Red series is going to be country songs that I’ve liked and it’s free. So we just release that, singles, and then our blue series are going to be all blues. Pastorale Magazine: There you go. Jimmy: But we do fun. Keep it fun. Arrangements. Keep it simple.
Because they got a lot of very interesting sounds going through there. A lot of numbers, they’re playing the quantity card. I really hope that whatever scene we’re part of, if we’re going to, be the perfect counterpoint to that. Pastorale Magazine: My problem with Burger Records is, and it’s not Burger Records themselves, it’s not that, it’s actually a lot of their fans and a lot of their musicians. Some of their musicians... Jimmy: They’re assholes. Pastorale Magazine: There’s a band that I’m familiar with, I’m not going to name their name, but I have history with them. There’s a certain person in this certain band that’s extremely popular on Burger Records that I will never support. Ever. They’ll never be in the magazine ever. There was you know some stuff from back in the old days when I was playing my emo stuff. I think there’s this circle of people that gravitate towards this guy and his bands…I can only think of a toilet full of shit circling the bowl. Mike: You have a way with words my friend. Jimmy: The same pile of shit. Pastorale Magazine: The problem is it’s not all the bands and it’s not even the label. It’s the fans and their followers. I want to say if I were a magazine I’d want to be exactly the counterpart to Burger Records as well. Like I said it’s not Burger Records themselves, but kinda the movement they represent. (Speaking to Big Monsta) Some of your music would totally fit in with their roster. The reason why I say that is some of your music would definitely be considered psychedelic rhythm and blues... Jimmy: The running gag right now we have because Mike and I love production. I like to envision as a Burger song as, maybe a microphone and it’s going through the board and they have two buttons, more verb and then the boost around 3 to 400/500. Then it goes into poop, and then right out into cassette and it just sounds so bad. I don’t know why they go... Pastorale Magazine: Aaaaannnnd we have an official beef starter right here. You know what’s scary though they’re (Burger Records bands, fans, etc.) like the motorcycle gang where there’s like thousands of them soooo we’re all kind of fucked. Jimmy: But it’d be fun. Wouldn’t it be fun? A thousand guys against us? Adrian: Might as well die in an interesting way right? Mike: I can see how the fight would go down…we’d just throw effects pedals around. Jimmy: How did those guys disappear? Aw those Burger fuckers ate them. They stole their glasses, couldn’t see shit coming. Pastorale Magazine: (Little side note, all three guys wear glasses) you guys could actually pull that, “You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses would you?” Jimmy: Exactly. Pastorale Magazine: Okay, so where can people hear about you and see about you and catch up with what’s going on and punch you down if you’re a Burger Records fan? Jimmy: We are on Facebook. Then it’s Big Monsta band something for Instagram. We like to do little photos for our simple lives. Whatever our grind is. We’re on cremetangerinerecords.com if you want to get their cassettes or pick up a copy at The Lab.
Pastorale Magazine: Here at Pastorale we love beef. Especially of the mid ‘90s to mid-‘2000s beef. If you guys want to you could start a rap war beef right now with another band. Any bands you guys want to call out (all said jokingly of course)?
Pastorale Magazine: Awesome. Any last words?
Jimmy: I don’t want to call out anything, but I’d like to finally vocalize this because I’m comfortable enough. The only scene I see in Orange County right now is the Burger Records “thing” that’s pretty big.
Pastorale Magazine: Oh, dear. (I have no idea how and why I said “oh dear” especially out loud but apparently it’s the 1950s and I’m a house wife. Haha)
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Big Monsta: Three, two, one ... fuck Burger. (They literally said it all together… wondering if this is a thing)
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GATHER YOUR TORCHES W R I T T E N
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An alarming percentage of parents aren’t doing their job. That’s right. I said it. Fans of Kanye West that thought Paul McCartney was a brand new artist prove my point. Sure, those kids are asleep at the wheel but their numbskull parents should certainly share the blame. While educating your children on basic music history, there are dozens of bands you could reasonably forget to mention. NEWSFLASH: The Beatles are not a band you could ever skip! Even if you’re not a fan, it’s preposterous to leave them out. That’s like covering the magic of baseball and not talking about the Yankees. Hi. This is Planet Earth and that is never, ever allowed. Get with the program. Some people thought the posts online were hilarious. Twitter blew up. The topic was #trending and then I realized it wasn’t a social networking hoax. Suddenly, I was mortified. With instant access to so much information through hyperlinks and hashtags I couldn’t figure out how so many music fans missed the boat. Wait…so, you’re telling me the singer for the Foo Fighters was the drummer for Nirvana, Sting was IN the Police and Ozzy Osbourne was the singer for Black Sabbath? No way! Uhm…yes way. Thinking about the glaring missteps first by the parents, and then by their kids I shuddered to think what else they inexplicably left out. Somewhere there’s a teenager discovering the color blue for the first time. Yikes! Anyway, whether the parents screwed up or their kids didn’t follow through, the end result is the same. That’s what seems horrific to me. At some point our youth – the future of this planet – will completely miss out on the truly quintessential stuff…music in particular! Of course iPads and a strong Wi-Fi signal are magical things but spending all your time watching Grumpy Cat videos or Snapchatting (shit… is that now an actual verb?) will nearly force you to MISS OUT on some really important stuff. The impact of that, at least musically, would seem to grow exponentially from generation to generation. Imagine if musical knowledge of the Beatles was gone. What would we be left with?
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work. Afternoons regularly felt like hunting for treasure as I carefully looked through all their albums. I sat there, fascinated and sometimes frightened by album covers that sparked the need to HEAR what they sounded like. [insert dated reference here] Discovering the Eagles, Queen, Fleetwood Mac, Styx, Billy Joel, Elton John, Doobie Brothers, ELO and on and on was something that literally shaped who I am today as a music lover…as a musician. The flame of curiosity had been lit partially because of the fact that my folks almost always had music playing in our house and partially because I relentlessly tested the limits of my dad’s huge stereo speakers without his knowledge. As you might imagine, he eventually found out, but it was because I had questions about the bands I was listening to. Both of my parents played along, answering all my questions realizing I had been putting in some overtime. They never really busted me, but I never actually came out and said I was jamming tunes to the point where the speakers distorted a bit. Eventually they loosened up those rules because I was a pretty responsible kid and because it was pretty clear to them that my thirst for musical exploration wouldn’t be quenched anytime soon. Did my parents do the right thing? Maybe, but that’s not why I shared my personal anecdote as the example. The reason is because I wanted to illustrate a glorious experience that I believe is slowly evaporating. Let that sink in for a few seconds. If discovery and exploration are fading I am afraid for future generations. That’s disturbing and disappointing to me. What if the Kanye/McCartney collaboration ends-up being the tipping point for a gigantic surge in album sales for the Beatles? Is that the new version of the childhood discovery experience I cherish so much? Are your children really supposed to learn about the Beatles from the dude famous for cancelling shows and being married to Kim Kardashian? Does anyone else need an airsick bag?
“I don’t know who Paul Mccartney is, but Kanye is going to give this man a career w/ this new song!!” ~ @OVOJosh “Who is this Paul McCartney???!??? He Boutta blow up thanks to Kanye!!! - @PercyBlackson
“Who tf is paul mccartney???!??! this is why i love kanye for shining light on unknown artists” - @CurvedDaily
As parents, teachers, friends, aunts, uncles or whatever it is our responsibility to inform the youngsters around us. Beyond that, we can only hope their curiosity persists into their future long enough to unlock new information and experiences along the way. Losing touch with the ancient tradition of ‘passing the torch’ is a critical error. How do you expect anything to survive from one generation to the next? When I was a kid I wasn’t allowed to touch my dad’s record player. Good thing I got home from school a few hours before my parents got home from 18 | PASTORALE | FEBRUARY2015
I have a penchant for making it all about music. After all, this is technically a music article. But in this case, it’s just the tip of the iceberg. We all know that curiosity in kids is tough to quell and that an iPad can also be a boundless resource for that – in a good way. Harnessing the power of that as a parent, teacher, friend, aunt, uncle or whatever comes from sharing our experiences and dropping a few breadcrumbs for the kids to follow. When I close my eyes, I see my dad showing me how to throw a football and how to tie a necktie. I also see my mom showing me how to sit at the piano and how to decorate Christmas cookies. I could learn all those things and a zillion other things by watching how-to videos on YouTube. My experience wouldn’t be the same. And that’s not how it’s supposed to be. Gather your torches and pass them along. WWW.PASTORALEMAGAZINE.COM
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SO MUSIC REVIEWS ARE A HUGE HIT!!! THANK YOU to all those that gave us the input and honest opinions! Here we continue our new regular column!!! SO incase you’re new or missed the last issue. Here’s how it works! Rather than having just one judge we want a handful of judges so you get a variety of people’s reviews so it’s not just one grumpy music snob. We also wanted to do something different, fun, that wouldn’t take up too much of your time (and the reviewer’s time) to read. So the task at hand for the reviewer is to give a 5-words-or-less description of the record they just listened to. It could be mean, could be funny, and could be anything they want. Just honest, quick and to the point. This month we have 9 releases. Some are larger signed bands some are unsigned. Remember send us your music if you want to be reviewed! Joel Poe - Drowkid
Copper the Bet - Champange EP
Omaha - Chapters EP
Copper The Bet is a 4 piece indie pop band hailing from Los Angeles, California. Formed in 2013 and inspired by the burgeoning global electro pop music scene, CTB blends meaningful lyrics with driving beats and 80’s synths to create a sound that is sure to appeal to fans of Duran Duran, Fitz and The Tantrums, Passion Pit, and Foster The People.
This Leicester 5-piece are starting to make waves in the music industry right now. Recently signed by We Are Triumphant, managed by Monument Music and fresh off a small UK run, Omaha are proving to be serious contenders in the British music scene.
YOLI RAMAZZINA NEW-WAVEY. DANCY. POPPY. SMOOTH. ENJOYABLE.
YOLI RAMAZZINA LOUD. HARD. CRUNCHY. WAILING. EMO-CORE.
YOLI RAMAZZINA PIANO. HEARTFELT. LONGING. MELLOW. ENJOYABLE.
RAY HARKINS SLICK. POPPY, SYNTH-Y. AND HOOKY.
RAY HARKINS POST-HARDCORE, SUBTLE YET INTRICATE.
RAY HARKINS MELODRAMATIC, MINIMAL, ANDREW MCMAHON-ESQUE.
SAM FLOYD NEW. WAVE. SYNTH. POP. #ROQ OF THE 80’S
SAM FLOYD ANGSTY. PURPOSEFUL. STRONG SOUND. PARAMOREMAHA.
SAM FLOYD COFFEE HOUSE PIANO. VERY DASHBOARD.
JASON JAMES WELSHER VACATION. PCH. FEEL-GOOD.
JASON JAMES WELSHER BIG-DEAL. CLEAN-PRODUCTION.
JASON JAMES WELSHER SLOW MOVER. POTENTIAL. SAME, SAME.
BRIAN ADLER POP. CHEESY. 80’S. DANCY. FUN.
BRIAN ADLER AIRY. SPACEY. BRIGHT. TALENTED. INTROSPECTIVE.
BRIAN ADLER SAD. SLICK. LYRICS NEED WORK.
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Singer Songwriter, Emo Youtube sensation.
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Nothing - Guilty of Everything
Palisades - Mind Games
Nothing was formed in 2011 by Domenic Palermo. Previously Palermo was the brains behind the early 2000’s hardcore/punk act Horror Show. in 2002 Horror Show was put on hold after Palermo was incarcerated for a stabbing that eventually led to a 2 year prison sentence.
By teaming up with producer Cameron Mizell at Chango Studios (Sleeping With Sirens, Memphis May Fire, Woe Is Me), PALISADES has taken full advantage of the solid foundation built with the EP and used it as a launch pad to take it to the next level. The band were also joined in the studio by Andy from Crown The Empire, Chris from Like Moths To Flames and Tyler Carter of Issues who lent guest vocals to the new album! Armed with the strength of their new album “Outcasts”, PALISADES will be unstoppable.
YOLI RAMAZZINA WHIMSY. LOUD. DRUMS! SLOW-BUILDS. DRONE-Y.
YOLI RAMAZZINA AGGRESSIVE. HEAVY. ABRASIVE. NU-METAL. MEH.
YOLI RAMAZZINA GROOVY. POPPY. LACKLUSTER. BIT WANKY.
RAY HARKINS INCREDIBLE, SHOE-GAZE, TOP 10, LOUD.
RAY HARKINS EDM INFLUENCED HARDCORE. AGGRESSIVE. WARPED-TOUR.
RAY HARKINS POP, THE RENTALS-ESQUE, MIDWEST VIBE.
SAM FLOYD BIG SOUND. BREATHY LYRICS. ETHEREAL.
SAM FLOYD DISTINCT SOUND. THINK-THE USED.
SAM FLOYD FAIR VOCALS. SCATTERED SOUND. DECENT.
JASON JAMES WELSHER DIG. BACKGROUND. SOOTHE.
JASON JAMES WELSHER LOST-VEGAS.
JASON JAMES WELSHER GROWING. STICKY. SWEET.
BRIAN ADLER GUITARS. LOUD. DARK. GREAT. SHOEGAZY.
BRIAN ADLER HEAVY. ELECTRONIC. CATCHY. RADIO-READY. SLICK.
BRIAN ADLER POWER POP. CATCHY. JANGLY. SWEET.
Shape Pitaki - Lonley This is
Sad music for happy people
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Spotlight Floodlight - Oceana
The Awesome Welles - Self Titled
Peter Adams is a keyboardist, composer, arThe Awesome Welles is alternative rock with a ranger living in Los Angeles. Originally from Lex- heavy heart and darkness as the canvas. They comington MA, Peter grew up listening to the British bine literary inspiration with haunting choruses and pop music of the 1980s. Peter has released several bellowing drums. albums of original instrumental music under the moniker Spotlight, Floodlight.
The Bots - Pink Palms
Los angeles brothers and bandmates Mikaiah Lei (lead vocal, guitar, bass), and Anaiah Lei (drums & percussions, backing vocal), recorded their first album together when they were just 15 and 12. Their distinctive sound brings together the veracity of garage/punk while paying homage to the american blues and ballad tradition. While The Bots are deeply intertwined in the american music narrative, they are simultaneously carving out a wholly new, powerful, uniquely personal storyline that is truly The Bots sound.
YOLI RAMAZZINA SOOTHING. INSTRUMENTAL. STRINGS. PLEASANT. PRETTY.
YOLI RAMAZZINA LOUD. INTENSE. PASSIONATE. UNIQUE. MELODIC.
YOLI RAMAZZINA QUIRKY. ROCKIN’. NON-COHESIVE
RAY HARKINS PIANO, STRINGS, CINEMATIC, CHILL, GREAT!
RAY HARKINS ROCK, TOKYO POLICE CLUB-ESQUE, RAD.
RAY HARKINS STRAIGHT UP BOOGIE ROCK. SOLID.
SAM FLOYD MELLOW. INTROSPECTIVE. TELLS A STORY.
SAM FLOYD GOOD SOUND. FAIR LYRICS. PASSIONATE.
SAM FLOYD FUN. SPUNKY. CATCHY. GOOD COMPOSITION.
JASON JAMES WELSHER WORK-JAMS. ALL-DAY.
JASON JAMES WELSHER REPEAT. LOVE. MORE-PLEASE.
JASON JAMES WELSHER GOOD-TONE. DIFFERENT. THUMBS-UP.
BRIAN ADLER SAPPY. SAD. THOUGHTFUL. BITTERSWEET. DARK.
BRIAN ADLER POLISHED. DANCEY. GOTH-ISH. CRISP-SOUNDING. CLEAN.
BRIAN ADLER FUN. HOOKY. LOUD. EDGY. EIGHTIES.
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ATTN: BANDS AND MUSICIANS IF YOU’D LIKE TO BE REVIEWED, SEND TO INFO@PASTORALEMAGAZINE.COM
REVIEWER BIOS YOLI RAMAZZINA - Yoli is a music lover and a retired KXLU deejay. She is also a certified yoga instructor and a columnist for elephantjournal. com. In her free time she enjoys practicing yoga, reading, writing, gardening, listening to music, drinking good beer (especially sour ales), and most of all spending time with her family and their two rescued pups. RAY HARKINS - Ray Harkins lives for music. He has worked with record labels like Century Media Records, No Sleep Records & 6131 Records. He currently works with peta2, heading up their partnership department as well as the host of 100 Words Or Less: The Podcast. He previously sang for the hardcore bands Taken & Mikoto as well as ran a successful independent music festival called Sound and Fury in Santa Barbara, CA. His music reviews have also been nationally published in Alternative Press and Outburn. SAM FLOYD - LATE thirties from Orange County CA. I cut my teeth on Depeche Mode, The Cure, Duran Duran, Oingo Boingo, INXS, U2, and the like. Still enjoy my 80’s New Wave flashbacks. These days, Indie rock and Alternative rock is what makes my ears happy. Current “must haves” are Nine Inch Nails, The Black Keys, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Delta Spirit, J Roddy Walston & The Business. JASON JAMES WELSHER -Born in 1977. Founder & Co-Owner of To Die For Clothing. Member of the Gentlemen’s Supper Club. I’ve Got Straight Edge. Friends & Family 1st. 100% Skateboarder. Vegan Power. Music Lover. PMA! BRIAN ADLER -Brian is an accomplished live sound engineer from San Francisco with credits that include bands such as The Stone Foxes and Dan Croll. He has toured the nation countless of times and has recorded and mixed bands for several years. He’s also is an album reviewer for mxdwn.com where he reviews brand new releases for the online magazine. FEBRUARY 2015 | PASTORALE | 23
Come together.
TRAVELER ACOUSTIC AG-105 EQ Full 25 ½” Scale ■ 3/4-size body ■ Proprietary Streamline™ Tuning System Built-in Headphone Amp & Tuner ■ Comes with Deluxe Gig Bag Includes Aux-in for jamming with tracks from your mobile device ©2014 TRAVELER GUITAR. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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There are talented people in this business and then there are people who fake it. Hollywood is filled with wannabes and posers wearing masks. I can assure you that’s not the case with Meital Dohan. In preparation for this interview and shoot I was blown away with how many things she’s currently involved in or has worked on in the past. Her success is a testament to her hard work ethic and warm personality. In this brief interview we feel like we just scratched the surface. For an artist who hasn’t even officially released her full length record, her three singles are killing it across the globe. Her song “Give Us Back Love” is hit No.1 on the iTunes Dance Chart in Italy, No.7 on the Billboard Club Chart, 33 on the Billboard Electronic Dance Chart, and continues to gain momentum on several other charts in this genre. She has accomplished all of this on her own as an independent artist with the collaboration of some heavy hitters like DJ Reflex, Sean Kingston, Rami Afuni (LMFAO), and her album’s producer Che Pope (Eminem, Dr. Dre, and Lauryn Hill). A lot of you might remember her from her unforgettable role on the TV show ‘Weeds’ as Yael Hoffman, or the book she wrote titled ‘Love & Other Bad Habits’. Or maybe it’s her feature film ‘Monogamy’, co-starring Rashida Jones and Chris Messina? Or even her radio show ‘Loud Miracles’. If you don’t know her yet, I can assure you that you will hear of her soon in one way or another. In our interview with her we talk about these things, her pets, and her personal prayer for the world to return to the values of love.
Pastorale: So you seem to have a lot of talents and seem to be so multi-faceted, kind of like a diamond…. basically you do a lot of stuff! I don’t know how you do it, but you’re an actress, a singer, songwriter, author, comedian, radio host… what else am I missing? Meital Dohan: Fine artist (said with a big smile).
Pastorale: Yes! A fine artist (one of the first things I noticed and complimented her on when we first met). I love your fine art, definitely going to have to get some for the house! So in addition to all that, I read you were in the Israeli army too, right?
Pastorale: That’s creative. I can’t think of anyone that’s ever done that. Meital Dohan: So I’m very excited about it and the whole singing thing. I was an actor my whole life and I was an actor in Israel, and I was an actor here, and the singing thing really took me by surprise. It wasn’t something I was planning at all.
Pastorale: Yeah, I think I remember reading something about a friend just saying, “You should do it,” and it was kind of out of the blue? And you were like… ”yeah”? Meital Dohan: Yeah, I was working. I met this woman, she was like a spiritual guide to me. I don’t know, you could say like a mentor. She was pretty significant in my life in Israel, I met her probably as a teenager and she was influential - so I met her when I was 17 and then I haven’t seen her for years, and years later I was just kind of thinking back and I realized, “Oh, this woman was kind of interesting,” and everything she said was kind of happening as she said. So I went back to her, and then we got really close and she was the one who said to sing. I was doing ‘Dancing With the Stars’ in Israel, so I was spending some time over there after being here for a while doing ‘Weeds’ (TV show), and all the other movie projects and stuff, ‘Monogamy’ and ‘Foreclosure’ (feature films), so she just said, “I think now you just have to become a singer,” so I was just like, “What the hell are you talking about?” So I argued with her but then she says, “No no, it’s all going to happen really fast,” so it was a really nice new thing, it was almost like a door to the magic world, like when Harry Potter goes in and goes into the castle, because the music is really like magic energy, and the people in the music industry are so great. So I’m thankful that I only have three songs out. Which were the only songs I’ve ever put out in my life which was kind of cool, but now I really want to dive in more and kind of bring the whole music collection to what it can be, what I can really do in music.
“There’s not like a button you have to press to be nice. You can just be a
Meital Dohan: I know. That was a full time job.
nice person.”
Pastorale: Being super multi-faceted and doing so much at once, what are you working on right now? What’s currently got your attention?
Meital Dohan: Right now I’m working on a project that’s probably going to combine different things I like to do that I’m passionate about, which is basically a TV project. So I’m very, very excited. Then I’m also going to probably finally launch my first album with it.
Pastorale: Releasing the album and the show together? Meital Dohan: Yeah.
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Pastorale: So what’s so inspiring is that you did do this all yourself. This is kind of a new thing for you and it’s really hard for a lot of artists to come out and not only release something on their own, but to release something that’s got substance to it. With your music, lyrically speaking. There’s a substance to it, it’s not just like the next pop hit; there’s something that’s fun, that’s exciting and fresh, and I think the world is definitely grabbing onto that and gravitating towards that, which is really cool.
Meital Dohan: Thanks! I’ve never looked at a song as a song, although it’s of course music that you can listen to. That’s what music is. But I just see it more as a bigger project; it’s part of the video, it’s part of the art, it’s part of the message, and even though it looks sometimes kind of silly or stupid or funny or over the top, usually I’m just trying to make a point of something.
Pastorale: I think that’s another thing I’ve noticed and love about you too; you kind of have this irreverence, this joking, fun attitude towards a lot of things which I think is such a healthy way to take things, instead of taking something too serious. Meital Dohan: Yeah, because as I said, I was never really a singer. This whole thing happened so fast. I just put out the first video just to see what it is, it’s not like I spent
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Bodysuit- Rebecca Ryan Turban- vintage Heels- Dolce and Gabanna Necklace- Giant Lion
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Neck Cuff- Species By The Thousand Bracelet- Models own Kimono- Lucy b Bra and Panty- Lucy b Shoe- Alepel Nylons- Marte
Swim- Lucy b Shirt- Morris Janks Shoe- Alepel Neck collar-Aoko Su Cuff- Aoko Su
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Cuff- Earthling Jewelry Double Focal Chain Bracelet- Alibi Heels- Chanel Dress- Val Stefani
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five years leading to it preparing to pick up a song.
Pastorale: It’s obvious that you’re having fun with it. It’s not just your next gig. It’s something that you’re enjoying and you seem to love. Meital Dohan: Yeah, I think of it as me kind of as an actor more to it and not feeling like I have to prove myself as a singer.
Pastorale: I can see that. That’s really, really cool. It shows that you’re having fun which makes it fun for the rest of us. So speaking of this new album, you’re still in the progress of working on that…when are you releasing it? Or is it just going to be released when it naturally happens? Meital Dohan: Probably the next half of year you should expect the next single.
Pastorale: For the full album… is it kind of like a painting… when it’s done it’s done? Meital Dohan: Yeah, when it’s ready. Exactly.
Pastorale: And the world’s waiting, you know? Every single, so another single’s going to be good. Meital Dohan: I think it’ll be a single and then an album. That would be probably the last single leading to the album or with the album, and it’s also going to come with the show.
Pastorale: Oh yeah, the show. Okay Cool!
Meital Dohan: Well, I think, overall, in the world, there’s some challenging times and a lot of people stress out, and there is war going on and a lot of violence, and my last song was ‘Give Us Back Love’ which was all about the message of the prayer for the coming back of the love. I do feel like there is also opening for more love and humanity, but I just think that we really need to make an effort to just be nice to one another. It doesn’t matter where we’re going to. If we’re just going to the shop, just be nice. Try to care just because... I feel like, especially, for young kids, in times when there’s so much violence, the kids need to be gravitating to the light and the joy and to the love, and not so much to war and guns. I kind of want to talk to the parents and the kids and say, “Let’s take that path of thinking about others.” Of love and peace and calmness.
“The artists that I’ve always admired and the artists that I like are artists that I feel like are passionate to either make a change or just motivate people for real.”
Meital Dohan: The TV show, yeah.
Pastorale: Where’s Charlie (her full grown pet tiger)? Meital Dohan: We didn’t want to have Charlie here today, because we just can’t take the liability, unfortunately, to have strangers around. He doesn’t always react very well.
Pastorale: That makes sense. I mean he’s a beast! I’m sure. So does he really hang out in here in your house? Meital Dohan: Yeah, he has his own little private area over there.
Pastorale: You are seriously so badass. You also have a pig right? Meital Dohan: Right.
Pastorale: What’s your pig’s name? Meital Dohan: Nathan.
Pastorale: Nathan the pig. Meital Dohan: Yeah.
Pastorale: That is so much fun. Meital Dohan: He is a Jewish pig (said with a big smile).
Pastorale: (Ok this is so embarrassing but I just now as while formatting this text for the article got her joke hahaha Jewish pig haha wow I’m slow… back to the interview) Charlie is a vegan right? Or he was trying to be a vegan? Meital Dohan: Yeah, we had him on a vegan diet for a while but he went bananas. Haha.
Pastorale: It didn’t take? He turned into Tigger?! Meital Dohan: Haha yeah.
Pastorale: So a lot of people will be reading this… is there a message or something you’d like to get out to your fans and our readers?
Pastorale: I think you make a great point. Just your everyday going to the shopwe’re all in our own worlds sometimes and we forget that we do have to start even in our homes. Meital Dohan: Yeah, tt It wears off on people when other people are treating each other brutally. It starts with everyday kinds of things. You go to the shop and the woman who works as a cashier, she’s angry and bitter and she’s not nice to you. I’m just saying it’s like a cycle, we just need to kind of care more.
Pastorale: That’s awesome. I LOVE that message. Is there anything else you’d like to say besides all that good stuff? Meital Dohan: Not really, anything you want to ask? I feel like this was a short interview, but it’s good, because the photo shoot was so fast.
Pastorale: I know, today felt like a whirlwind. I feel like I personally want to stress to you; when you’re doing this type of stuff, you do research on people, and I think I really value your personality that comes across. That life isn’t so serious, that life is supposed to be exciting and full of love and full of smiles and joy. Meital Dohan: Awe… thank you. For me I always see it, because for me the artists that I’ve always admired and the artists that I like are artists that I feel like are passionate to either make a change or just motivate people for real. You can just look at them and like their personality, because when people are like, with your personality, if you think you’re bigger than your fans because you’re the artist, that’s wrong, because you do your art for the fans. You’re not bigger, you’re not better. It’s like the whole idea about fame; it’s just fame is part of your profession. When you’re a surgeon, you need to take your sensibility for people’s lives, and when you’re a performing artist, you need to take responsibility to be a role model or just to be that person. What’s the point of taking it the wrong way? That’s kind of ridiculous. That’s part of the description of the job.
Pastorale: Yeah, and I think you do it well. Even today, you made all of us feel really welcome and warm. Meital Dohan: Don’t mention the massage I gave you and all that stuff. Don’t mention that in the interview (said with a big adorable smile).
Pastorale: Haha we won’t. We’ll edit that out (wink wink). That’s a really awesome calculator too, by the way (she had this novelty calculator that was almost the size of a cookie sheet on her couch). Meital Dohan: When you’re dealing with big numbers.
Pastorale: Hahaha really big numbers! In all seriousness thank again for hanging out with us! Meital Dohan: Absolutely.
Speaking for myself I didn’t know what to expect when meeting Meital. A couple things I left with was how real and down to earth she is, and her sincere desire for the world to give back love and just be kind to one another. For more information on Meital Dohan and what she’s up to make sure to take a look at her website at www.meitaldohan.com, and I’m sure you’ll become an official “shrak” which is a pet name she’s given to her fans and followers. FEBRUARY 2015 | PASTORALE | 33
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Cuff- Earthling Jewelry Double Focal Chain Bracelet- Alibi Heels- Chanel Dress- Val Stefani FEBRUARY 2015 | PASTORALE | 35
Jacket- chaser Swim- Lucy b Shoe- Marion Ayonote Rings- Alibi Bracelets- Earthling Jewelry, Braided
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Necklace- Alibi Rings- Alibi Shoe- Chanel Jacket- Chaser Swim bottom- L Space
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beauty
My opinions toward men’s grooming fall into two categories: Ideas based on my knowledge and experience as a licensed professional cosmetologist, and the extremely forthright, yet completely necessary “I am a girl, duh.” Duh. The first thing I want to tell you guys before you hit the Axe heavier than my 11 year old son is this: I know there’s a substantial percentage of men that have been rockin’ (yeah, I said rockin’) the same grooming routine since they hit puberty and are confident that there’s no need for change. Don’t get defensive, I assure you we are on the same team. I just think you owe it to yourself to be educated in areas like grooming, hygiene, and maybe a little style if you’re into it.
Hair. Cut it. Not once in my entire lifetime as a female, have I looked at a man and thought, “Damn that multitextured jungle growing on the back of that guy’s neck is hot”. It is never hot. Not speaking for every female, but I can’t imagine many would stand against me. If you are going on a first date, make some arrangements for a haircut. The ladies notice these types of efforts...and 38 | PASTORALE | FEBRUARY 2015
very often said efforts will not go unrewarded. ;) Even if you have long hair and a beard to the likes of ZZ Top, get that face up in the mirror and take a close look. If you don’t want to get that personal, what makes you think we do?! If you are in between haircuts and maybe paychecks, ask for a neck trim. Many will be complimentary, just tip a few bucks coupled with a thank you and you’ll be feeling so fresh [and so clean]! Beards, moustaches, and other various forms of facial hair. Style is subjective but a grown-out, scraggly, and possibly even patchy bush on your face is not. You can’t trip over a Pinterest board or Etsy Shop without seeing something related to men’s skincare. Beard oils and conditioners, herbal handcrafted moustache wax, if you need it, someone is making it. I’ve been telling my male friends for the last four years what a gold mine these platforms are for men and your never-ending odyssey to try to figure out just what the hell we want (Reference the Ryan Gosling GIF from the Notebook). Grooming says “I care about me. And maybe even you too.” Not all facial hair is created equal. If you have been growing out your beard for the past few months and can fit your fingertip on a bare patch of skin, it’s just not in your cards. Don’t be sad, there are plenty of other ways to exude your masculinity. Unfortunately I believe there’s a lot of men out there that see a beard simply as an excuse to not shave. How can we get you guys to unlearn this? On the contrary, if you’re looking for the lazy way out, you’re better off shaving every day or so versus giving up the razor altogether. Fingernails and toenails have found their place in the category of women’s beauty because we are known to accessorize the hell out of those things! I believe that between the connection to fingernails and fashion, and the ability for men to view their appendages as sheer functionality, for every man that just simply clips and cleans underneath their nails on a regular basis, there are two that don’t own a pair of clippers. I’m not saying go get a mani/pedi, just be aware that we are aware. WWW.PASTORALEMAGAZINE.COM
I am a passionate advocate of being the best you possible. It’s an extremely personal journey that is subjective to each individual. That being said, I’m not going to tell you what to wear, where to get it, or how to wear it. That’s all you, man. What I believe is worth reading though is this: Don’t show up to a date with wrinkled clothes. If you decide on a t-shirt and jeans approach, and you’re thinking those jeans you wore the last few days are still holding up, throw that shit in the dryer with a damp dryer sheet! Get those wrinkles out! No need to bust out the iron unless you’re wearing a collared shirt that hasn’t already come from the cleaners. Call me old-fashioned but for me that implies self-respect, and that is some sexy stuff. Guys, women can tell when your jeans are dirty. Maybe you have a partner and they don’t care. Great. But for those first dates, first few dates, new relationships and the like, women know when your clothes aren’t clean. We can see it, we can smell it, and it’s not the type of impression that’s gonna keep someone coming back. The other half of the clothing coin is the condition of clothing you boys like to wear. You are a simple man who likes simple things. You don’t buy clothes until you need them. I appreciate the frugal approach, but crotch holes and armpit holes are not attractive. I think the human race is a pretty visual bunch and many appreciate a nicely wrapped package. Odds are pretty good that you know someone that can sew holes and buttons, if not yourself. Back in the day, men were regularly visiting tailors, peddlers, etc. to keep their Steez Game strong. Where’d that go?! I dig progression and change, but I am a sucker for tradition. With all your grooming details in order, on to planning the evening. You guys are on your own with that one, but if you need a little ear candy to set the mood, here’s a playlist you’re both sure to enjoy. Good Luck! ‘Polish Girl’ - Neon Indian ‘Beta Love’ - Ra Ra Riot ‘Old & Gray’ - Maps & Atlases ‘Beards’ - The Dodos ‘Time Stands Still’ - Cut Copy ‘The High Road’ - Broken Bells ‘No One’s Gonna Love You’ - Band of Horses ‘Colours: Captain Cuts Remix’ - Grouplove ‘Big Jet Plane’ - Angus & Julia Stone ‘When I’m Small’ - Phantogram ‘I Believe In You’ - YACHT ‘After The Moment’ - Craft Spells ‘Living Room’ - Tegan and Sara ‘Wild Ones’ - Bahari ‘Feel It All Around’ - Washed Out ‘Pendulum’ - Pure Bathing Culture ‘The Girl’ - City and Colour ‘October’ - The Helio Sequence ‘Shadow’ - Wild Nothing ‘Satellite’ - Guster ‘No Diggity’ - Chet Faker ‘Wild’ - Royal Teeth ‘Tiger Striped Sky’ - Roo Panes ‘I Need My Girl’ - The National ‘Two Weeks’ - Grizzly Bear ‘Fall In Love’ - Phantogram ‘Amsterdam’ - Peter, Bjorn & John
FYI This list can be found on Spotify as ‘Hipster’s Guide to Valentine’s Day’.
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It’s Valentine’s Day and you are thinking about what to wear, what to buy, and what to write in the V-Day card, but are you thinking about what to do with that beautiful face? We all have our everyday go-to look, but how about taking that fresh face from day to night with just a few easy steps? Follow this easy guide and you’ll be set for the perfect camera ready date night look. Daytime makeup for most is simple and chic, but when we think of getting ready for an event or date we always want something flirty and fun. My absolute favorite go-to look has to be a bronzy, smokey eye. It is easy, and suits every eye shape and skin tone. A new found favorite product to achieve this look is IT Cosmetics CC+™ Radiance Ombre Bronzer. Yes, I said bronzer! It has the perfect balance of shimmer and bronze in one great package. Using a dense, dome brush, pat and press a matte bronzer onto the eyelid. Do several layers for a dense amount of color.
With the same brush, lightly pick up your shimmer tone, and dust at the highest point of your smile, this is the “apples of your cheek”. Last but not least, those sexy red lips… a Valentine’s Day must! I love reds that are universal for all skin tones. I call them the “sisterhood of the traveling pants” reds. It’s that red that works for anyone who wears it. I love colors like ‘Lions Heart’ from Poise Makeup Professional, ‘Pretty Woman’ from IT Cosmetics, or ‘Little Red Dress’ from City Colors. To make the red lip color of your choice last, try prepping your lips first by: Lightly dusting your lips with face powder. Then, apply a thin layer of lip color.
Then, using a soft blending brush, dip into a shimmer “champagne” tone of eye shadow and blend into the crease of your eye using “windshield wiper” type strokes.
Repeat the above steps while blotting in between each step with a tissue. Lastly, apply one last coat of lipstick for cocktail-proof lips! Lastly, using that same shimmer, dab your brush into the inner corner of your eye, creating a beautiful bright-eyed effect.
Valentine’s Day isn’t just about showing love to someone else, remember to love yourself first. Confidence is the best accessory a gal can wear! Now look in that mirror and smile cause you’re beautiful inside and out!
There is nothing I love more than a product that lets me do several things. It’s cost effective and makes sprucing up your look a cinch! Using the same bronzer and shimmer color, it’s time to add some glow to that beautiful skin! With a fluffy blush brush take your bronzer and pat and press it right below the apples of your cheeks. (To find that area simply flash your best smile and the area right below the highest point is where we are talking). FEBRUARY 2015 | PASTORALE | 41
Cody, Evan, and Cameron Jeans - Neuw denim Shaelen Dress, Shoes, Jacket- www.lulus.com Rings, Necklace, Earrings- Paradigm Design
Dress, Shoes, Jacket- www.lulus.com Rings, Necklace, Earrings- Paradigm Design
Dress, Shoes - www.Lulus.com Rings, Necklace, Earrings- Paradigm Design
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I initially started this project thinking I was going to explore gender roles in the local DJ scene. I’ve been to the shows, the festivals, the roof-top pools, warehouse parties … I know… I’m pretty cool (wink wink). All that being said, I’ve noticed that the majority of DJs I see up there, dosing the crowd with their magical musical glitter, have mostly been dudes. When and if there was ever the moment that a chick got on stage to supply the taste making, it was as if she was a new breed of awesomeness I was more than stoked to experience. “The ideas of males dominating the DJ scene is garbage.” Shaelen Burroughs says with a smile. She continues, “Girls are entirely welcome to become DJs. Men love women! So guess what? Men love female DJs too! In fact, girls with talent often steal the show from the men. People are very taken when a lady DJ pulls up to the scene and just blows everyone’s minds! I love girl DJs (said with a smile). I could watch them all day.” I could watch them all day too! I met Shaelen in San Diego, CA after her set at Bang Bang and was totally mesmerized. While completely getting down to her set, I thought, girls must work that much harder to hold a place up there. I was curious about her experience and wanted to get her take on it, so I thought I’d pitch her for this issue and see what’s up. In sitting down and talking with her during the shoot, it sounds like it’s more about perseverance; working smarter not harder. Shaelen continues, “It’s important to look for any opportunities that will help you achieve your dreams. You have to put in the work. Network. Become the master of your craft, and most importantly, put all of your thoughts into action.” Complacency is one of my biggest fears. My life is fueled by my creative passion and I believe Shaelen’s is too. Her need to get her work out there seems like second nature. Her Stripped-Down Mixes are super legit, her Barbie on the pole album artwork is rad, and she 100% kills it live. She’s totally right. Anyone, especially creative, must be proactive in their pursuit of success. Male or female, you must create and seize opportunities for yourself. I found myself with three male models and one hot chick DJ at the gorgeous Cactus Cube Studio in West Hollywood thinking I was going to create images playing up this oppressive male dominated DJ world. After taking in what Shaelen had to say on that subject I thought I would switch gears, keep it simple, play dress up and have a little fun!
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Jacket- Chaser Dress- www.lulus.com Rings, Cuff, and Earrings- Paradigm Design
M P H O T O M A K E U H A I R
O D E L I S N I N A S W A G R A P H Y B Y P A U L I F P B Y R I C K I E B O C A B Y A M A N D A A R R E D
N O R N I A N E G R A O N D O
Black Tennis Sweater - American Apparel
Bra and Panty with Garter - LUCY B.
Bra and Panty with Garter - LUCY B.
Flannel - Patagonia Pink Body Suit - Forever 21
Flannel - Patagonia Pink Body Suit - Forever 21
Baby Doll - Lucy B Panty - Victoria’s Secret Fox Ears - Etsy
White Button up - Charlotte Russe High Waste Panty - Lucy B
White Button up - Charlotte Russe High Waste Panty - Lucy B Leopard Bra - H&M
Black Bra- Lucy B. Black High Waste Panty & Garter - Lucy B Stockings -Lucy B
Black Bra- Victoria’s Secret Black Panty - Victoria’s Secret Black Garder & Stockings - Victoria’s Secret
Front Lace Up Bustier - Victoria’s Secret Black Panty, Garter and Nylons - Victoria’s Secret
Front Lace Up Bustier - Victoria’s Secret Black Panty, Garter and Nylons - Victoria’s Secret 74 | PASTORALE | FEBRUARY 2015
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Black lace robe - H&M Bunny Ears - Etsy
Luxury Femininity for Iconic Women ! Los Angeles, CA www.briseeley.com
Marsala, oxblood, burgundy, or wine, whatever you choose to call it, is officially Pantone’s Color of the Year. Unlike the past bright or vibrant color of the year choices, marsala is a deep and rich red with brown undertones. What makes marsala so versatile and rad is its ability to be worn by both men and women. With a plethora of marsala colored cosmetics, clothing, accessories, and shoes, there is literally something for everyone. For those of you who always rock an all black ensemble, a little touch of marsala will elevate your look to a new level. Meanwhile, you color lovers can incorporate it into your wardrobe to add some edge. I myself do not usually stray from an assortment of black, grey, or neutrals (with the exception of a crazy printed bell bottom or two), but lately I have been on a dark-red buying craze. I can assure you that adding in some marsala will definitely add some kickass appeal to your style. Marsala’s dark and dramatic nature makes for a confident, cool, and slightly mysterious look. There is a bit of disagreement as to what variations of deep red can be specifically classified as maroon, oxblood, wine, or burgundy. Both marsala and burgundy are named after the hue of their same named wines. While some variations have more undertones of brown, others have blue or grey tones. Nonetheless, the names are pretty much used interchangeably and any variation you choose, that suits you best, will create the same effect. How to incorporate marsala into your next outfit really depends on how adventurous and risk-taking you are in your style choices. Below is the break down of how to add marsala into your cosmetics and wardrobe at a novice, intermediate, and advanced level of risk.
Cosmetics Novice: You probably are a die-hard enthusiast of neutrals, neutrals, neutrals, especially when it comes to your makeup arsenal. Don’t worry, I’m not asking you to change up your whole routine or apply a crazy dark-red smoky eye. Instead, try a tinted lip balm in a berry or burgundy tone that just slightly darkens your natural lip color and is a switch-up from your typical nude or pink lipstick. Intermediate: You have occasionally ventured out of your comfort zone and donned a pair of printed paints or metallic tattoos, but you’re not entirely sure you would ever do it again. There are two ways you can take on marsala makeup. One, apply a matching mani/pedi in the hue. Or, take a bit more risk and apply a marsala colored matte cream lipstick. A cream matte formula tends to de-intensify the color slightly and is a bit less “in your face” then its shinier counterparts. Advanced: That last part about “in your face” sounds right up your alley. You have tried it all. Grey-pink ombre hair, check. A septum piercing on a whim, check. Psychedelic prints and orange lipstick, you bet. You aren’t afraid to test the limits and break boundaries, so why not dye those locks, apply that intense lipstick, or create a runway-inspired metallic eye shadow look in marsala.
Wardrobe Novice: My advice, don’t overwhelm yourself. Start by adding a small amount of marsala. Girls, try complementing your neutral outfit with a necklace, purse, or even shoes that showcase marsala. Guys, try adding a tie or, if you are feeling adventurous, a marsala bow tie. Intermediate: Girls, try a solid marsala colored piece in a classic silhouette, like a simple shift dress or a basic tee. Guys, keep to the same sentiment and try out a solid marsala dress shirt or a casual flannel with marsala accents. Advanced: This is your time to really go crazy. Try those marsala print bell-bottoms, a leather jacket, suede loafers, or even a head-totoe marsala ensemble.
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Romper : Nasty gal Coat - faux fur : Arzu Arkay Tights : Club Kixies Shoes : Sole Society Jewelry : D’Mimi by Ali Levine FEBRUARY 2015 | PASTORALE | 81
Romper : Nasty gal Coat - faux fur : Arzu Arkay Tights : Club Kixies Shoes : Sole Society Jewelry : D’Mimi by Ali Levine 82 | PASTORALE | FEBRUARY 2015
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Faux fur : Stella McCartney Vintage Shorts : Willow and Clay Body suit: Forever 21 Jewelry D'Mimi by Ali Levine Spiked necklace - Y-Clad Boots : Steve Madden FEBRUARY 2015 | PASTORALE | 83
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Faux fur : Stella McCartney Vintage Body Suit : Forever21 Shorts : willow & clay Jewelry - D’Mimi by Ali Levine Spiked necklace -Y- Clad
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Faux fur : Stella McCartney Vintage Body Suit : Forever21 Shorts : willow & clay Jewelry - D’Mimi by Ali Levine Spiked necklace -Y- Clad
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Faux fur : Stella McCartney Vintage Body Suit : Forever21 Shorts : willow & clay Jewelry - D’Mimi by Ali Levine Spiked necklace -Y- Clad FEBRUARY 2015 | PASTORALE | 87
Top : Foreign Exchange Jeans : Hidden Denim Jeans Boots : Steve Madden Jewelry : D’Mimi by Ali Levine
Top : Foreign Exchange Jeans : Hidden Denim Jeans Boots : Steve Madden Jewelry : D’Mimi by Ali Levine
Top : Foreign Exchange Jeans : Hidden Denim Jeans Boots : Steve Madden Jewelry : D’Mimi by Ali Levine
Vest : Jeantrix Jeans : Sonas Denim Cuff : Boera Necklace D’Mimi by Ali Levine
Vest : Jeantrix Jeans : Sonas Denim Cuff : Boera Necklace D’Mimi by Ali Levine
Designer &
p h o t o g r a p h er : H e at h er D a n i el l e J a r o sz | M O D EL / M U A / H A I R : S H I ED A M O O R E
Tank - James Perse Jeans - BDG Heels - Aldo
Jean - American Apparel Heel - Aldo Crop - American Apparel
Denim Jacket - Gap Bodysuit - Nasty Gal Earrings - Vintage Heels - Aldo
Denim Jacket - Gap Bodysuit - Nasty Gal Earrings - Vintage Heels - Aldo
Denim Jacket - Gap Bodysuit - Nasty Gal Earrings - Vintage Heels - Aldo
Denim Jacket - Gap Bodysuit - Nasty Gal Earrings - Vintage Heels - Aldo
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
LADIES: Have you been hanging out with that scary Sag girlfriend again? Please, you guys have the same MO right now. We know you’re bummedout because you didn’t get the calendar of scarcely dressed Australian surfers holding puppies in casual settings, but something’s gotta give. We talked about it and we will all chip in for a cleaning… I mean, a spa day :) GUYS: Next time someone asks you “How are you doing?” try NOT to reply with “I got some issues but nothing $10 couldn’t fix”. You have been watching too much Bob’s Burgers. GO OUTSIDE!
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
LADIES: So you’re telling me that the dude your roommate introduced you to went on a “business trip” coincidentally right after you guys hooked up? Then, also coincidentally came back with a girlfriend? Ok, ok, ok... let’s be logical...either he was already talking to her, or you resemble a star-shaped creature between the sheets and he wasn’t having it...but since his chick looks like she just blew in from the Amazon we’re going to advise you to seek “position-phobia” counseling. GUYS: We think you’re crazy, like certifiably... you thought taking your boss’s daughter to Applebee’s on “Senior Saturday” was a great idea? Ya, we know you thought it was “Señor Saturday” but oh were you wrong. Senior as in SENIOR CITIZEN! So how’s the job search coming?
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
LADIES: Remember when you were trying to eat healthy and you went to a not-so-fresh place, and grabbed some precut veggies and a light salad? Boy were you sorry about 20 minutes after when you met the new President of your company by puking on his shoes and farting louder than a fog horn in a horror movie. You and Pisces up there should job search together. Best of luck. GUYS: You think you are being sly but we saw that, actually we always see it. The floss pick dude. You gotta stop doing that WHILE we are eating at the table or bar. Sometimes you miss and things fly, no kidding, like they launch.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Tequila and Tinder for a while. GUYS: So when you decided to take that hot girl from the gym to the hole in the wall pizza place down the street for your first date what were you thinking? What about a greasy, hobo-infested pizza joint where every table smells like it’s by the bathroom sounded like a sure way to get laid? Unless you plan on rescuing her from you, we think you should take a hint and call it a night.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
LADIES: So your straightener burnt your extensions, you burnt your breakfast, your car won’t start AND you stepped in dog poop walking into work? I don’t think it’s your day, why don’t you pretend to throw up (that usually works) go home, pop open a bottle of wine and some Murder She Wrote because the universe is not your friend today. GUYS: So you got an eviction notice huh? Well now maybe you won’t smoke weed on your patio naked when said patio faces the main entrance to your complex, which is next to that Catholic preschool... the kids are starting to ask questions that teachers aren’t ready to answer so get to packin’. Mamma’s basement awaits!
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
LADIES: BUHAHAHAHHA…can you believe that dude? Who the hell told him that he should talk, dress, and LIMP like a character from the FICTIONAL show SOA? Please tell me he didn’t really almost sideswipe 30 cars during rush hour, nick the mirror of a Camaro, and then, to top it off-his freakin’ pants caught on fire whilst doing all of this... I mean you can’t make this shit up. NEXT! GUYS: I think it’s safe to say that you will be single, no, better yet, alone for the rest of your life. Your room smells like a dirty sock marinating in stale whiskey, your facial hair looks like a nest of god knows what, and is that egg in your beard? Jesus Christ dude. You need to move back into your mom’s basement and figure your shit ooouuuttt.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)
LADIES: PUT DOWN THE BEN & JERRY’S AND STEP AWAY FROM THE GREY’S ANATOMY BOX SET! I know this really sucks but was it really love? You knew the guy for 2 months then he dumped you after you slept with him for “unrelated” reasons of course. How about you stop desperately trying to make these online matchmaking mistakes work. Get that booty out of the house and just be you for a bit. NO Tinder OR Coffee Meets Bagel (ya we know about that one too). GUYS: Well Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither was your body, so why don’t you give it a rest pal. Your face has been puffy for the last week from beer, Jagerbombs, and shame. We aren’t going to say it’s a bad look, but when your roommates start leaving the room because of your scent I think it’s time for a change.
CANCER (June 22 – July 22)
LADIES: We really didn’t want to have to be the ones to tell you but you’ve been looking real scary lately. Not sure if it’s the sweat pants or the hair sticking to your face but we would recommend a shower. Just because you ain’t got nobody to love doesn’t mean you have to make an excuse for people not to love you. Dove, Pantene, and some Crest will fix you right up. GUY: We are loving this new sense of empowerment you have going on there in your fancy new job. But do you really need to drive like an asshole? If the car in front of you isn’t moving that probably means that there is a car in front of them doing the same... so on and so forth. If you are so short for time why don’t you browse PornHub before bed instead of before work...you might actually be early.
LADIES: We are going to throw this out there but we think you should check out your auto-pay account. It was frozen 3 weeks ago due to suspicious purchases. Apparently they thought ordering pizza & buffet style Chinese food every night for a month straight didn’t sound like the routine of someone who usually auto-paid for “Clean Living” & “Vegan for All Seasons”.. but they’ve never seen you dumped... ouch. GUYS: Step off that high horse and sit your effin’ ass down! Just because your tattooed buddy at work promoted you to daytime manager doesn’t mean you get to play your shitty music all day. It doesn’t matter that you’re from another country, NO ONE HERE LIKES NICKLEBACK!! LADIES: We see you clinching your fists and steam coming out of your ears. Is it the drummer you’ve been dating? Ya, I mean we thought you saw the red flags when he told you he was practicing late, but then you saw him getting a lap dance in the Boom Boom Room by that glitter hooch Jessica…why were YOU there in the first place? Oh right, he’s on your “Find My Friends” app on your phone. So you actually followed him there? Ya, um…no comment. GUYS: Let’s talk about that breath, it could be the copious amount of coffee you drink or the fact that you think flossing is for “sissies”. Let me drop some knowledge on ya, no girl is interested in anything that you are saying with that dragon breath, so go crawl back in that cave of yours for the winter and come out after a deep cleaning and some Altoids. LADIES: You bought a selfie stick!?! Can I see it for a second? Ok, now that it’s in the trash, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? You look like a gangly tourist that blocks the way even more now when you stop to take a picture in front of the Hollywood sign… ALONE. You grew up here, you’ve been to the sign like 40 times…we get it, you’re cool. GUYS: Is it that time of the month? Oh right, we forgot you’re a dude. So why are you pouting like a high school girl sitting by herself at lunch because your roommate asked you to stop tickling her? 1: Why the hell are you tickling a grown woman? 2: YOU were the one that thought it was hilarious because she had to pee? All she said was stop, which turned you into the Grinch who stole the life out of the room, get up, grow up, and get over it.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 –December 21)
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
LADIES: You know he’s a grown man right? You sure? Because last time we checked you followed him to work like it was his first day walking to school. Let him out of the nest mamma bird, and we shouldn’t ever have to say that shit because he’s your boyfriend not your baby boy. GUYS: Talk about awkward-town, stop trying to impress that girl, she’s clearly not into you but you keep pokin’ that dead horse (that came out wrong but you get it). Do you want to know how we know? As soon as you left her house that one night she invited some dude over from Tinder so she didn’t feel like she wasted her night. I mean COME ON!!
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
LADIES: Bravo, you gave it a valiant effort. Sometimes shit like that works…and sometimes you are left with a $300 bar tab, no shoes, and you’re sleeping in in a carport 2 houses away from yours...Let’s go with lay-off the
BY AYLA HENDERSON THUG LIFE.
112 | PASTORALE | FEBRUARY 2015
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IN THE NEXT ISSUE... TBD ;)
114 | PASTORALE | FEBRUARY2015
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